Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox N' Crendor Beta: Friday, December 7th

Episode Date: December 7, 2012

Jesse's day goes from bad to delicious to worse to hilarious. Also Crendor and Jesse discover the history of "French" Fries, and how it's possible to release so many bad Resident Evil games.

Hello everybody, it's time for Ghost on Trending! This is Trending in the morning. In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour recording studios! Recording! Wake your ass up! It's the next Trending in the morning! Hello there everybody, it's Friday. It's the next Crendor in the morning! Crendor in the morning!

Hello there everybody, it's Friday. Yeah. It's Cox and Crendor. In the morning. I am so just beat down with life at the moment. Hooray. So yesterday was a long one. That's what she said.

About yesterday? What? My time certainly has a giant penis that's what you implied by the time you got it going on is what i'm saying so um basically yesterday was like meetings all day and then when i was like i'm done i just want to go and not think about the world right now and i went and decided you know what what, I'm going to go to Five Guys. Balls to it. I'm going to get a big old Five Guys burger, some big old Five Guys fries, and sit there, buy my lonesome, and not even care. And just be like, you know what, I don't care.

And as I sat there eating, I was in a happy place. The world was good. I looked at my life and said, you know what, even though today was a long one, you got it pretty good, pal. Went out to my car and it wouldn't start. Life was just like, oh, so you're getting happy now, huh?

It's time to end that. And so my key wouldn't turn in the ignition. It wouldn't even move. Did you try turning it? Yes, I tried turning it. I even tried

doing the wheel jiggle. I even tried doing the pump the brake thingamabob. I tried everything. I even went online on my phone and started looking up ways that you could possibly fix this. I did everything for like an hour. I sat out there frustrated. Couldn't get it to work. Did you go back

and get another Five Guys burger? No. I should have. At that point, I should have just gone in and been like, give me another. So, luckily, I have AAA. It's one of those things that, like, you know what? I'm glad I have it. So I called the guys and was like, can you come out here and fix this? And they're like, sure, we'll be there in 30

minutes. So I wait another 30 minutes. I'm like, great. Then they get there, and this guy pulls up in the most giant ass truck in the world but because i'm in a parking lot for a mall he has to keep moving it every five minutes so he can't even really focus on fixing my car because people are like honking at him to move finally the parking spot next to me opens up and the guy's gonna move his car or move his like truck into that spot so he doesn't have to right a dude in like a sports coat like the most douchey looking character ever drives around his car as he's backing up to get in the spot and drives into the parking spot this guy in his in his bends just drives and looks at me looks at him gets out of his car and then just gives like

a what and walks in. And we looked at each other like this dude. We were just like, I could not believe that happened. LA. I was like, what an asshole. He was backing in as this guy pulled into it. But anyway, so he found a place like off to the side, and he came back and started working on my car,

and we're fiddling with everything. He put it in like neutral, like we're unlocking things. There's compartments I don't even know exist in this car that he's like opening panels to and we're trying to fix it. And he's like, you know, here's the deal. You may have to replace the cylinder and that's like 300 bucks. I was like, are you kidding me?

And he's like, we're going to need to tow it. I'm like, okay. And he's like, but since going to need to tow it. I'm like, okay. And he's like, but since your wheels are locked because they're turned and we can't move the steering wheel, I need a specialized tow truck to go. I was like, oh, my God. So he left and called another guy. Meanwhile, three hours in, he calls another guy. The guy comes and he's like, all right, well, I can do this.

And then he says, but first, because it's going to be such a process, I just want to check and see if you can, you know, if we can fix this. He spends another 20 minutes trying. Nothing happens. I'm just like, just tow it, okay? Just tow it. I will pay the money. I've had it. I'm done.

I'm done fighting, world. You win today. World, however many days I've been alive, Jesse Zero. I'm like, you win. You win, world. I was like, just go. Take it. So he gets all this, like, equipment out.

And he's doing, like, the most intensive manual labor. And I was like, you know what? This guy is a boss. I was like, I'm glad people like him exist. He knows what he's doing. So we get the car up. Everything's good. And as we're on up, everything's good, and he's and as we're on the road, he goes, where do you want me

to take it? I'm like, wait, you don't you aren't gonna take it? He's like, usually people tell me to take it someplace. He's like, I don't know where to take this thing. A Toyota dealer? And he's like, that's gonna be really expensive. I was like, I don't know any mechanics who are open at, you know, 9 o'clock

at night. And so we get there and the Toyota dealer's like, we close in an hour. I don't know any mechanics who are open at, you know, 9 o'clock at night. And so we get there and the toy dealer's like, we close in an hour. I don't know if we'll have time to look at it. I was like, can you just look and see if there's anything wrong? And I'll leave it there tomorrow. You know, I'll pick it up tomorrow. I don't even care. Just help me.

Just help me. And then because I am – I feel this. I feel I'm like the yin and yang of humanity That's the most douchey thing I'm the yin and yang of humanity I like balanced life And I know someone's gonna send us a message It's not yin and yang stupid It's yin and yang

But every time that I have something bad happen to me I immediately have something good happen to me And I can't explain it It's just the way life is And that's why I'm I think that's why I'm way too humble because I know if anything good happens, immediately something bad is waiting. Like, I'm going to get you, Jesse. So I get there and I'm just like, please, can you just – he's like, sure, okay.

We'll take a look. So I wait in the waiting room and it's me and like this woman with like five little kids. And they're the loudest, most obnoxious kids on the planet. I'm like, just someone, someone help me. Someone help me. The guy comes in, sits down, and goes, I have some good news. It's not the cylinder.

I'm like, okay. And here's where I think I got mad. Okay. For a wrong reason. I got mad. I was just like, you know, screw it. But I got mad for a wrong reason I got mad I was just like You know Screw it But I got mad

For a wrong reason And I think the reason why Is because he goes Your key's worn down So we just Got you a new key It'll be seven dollars And a normal person

Would have been like This is This is great effing news This is amazing. Me, my initial reaction was, are you kidding me? I just went through five hours for $7? Anyone else would be like, you know what? You saved me a lot of money.

Thank you, sir. I was so livid. I was like, I can't even fathom the amount of pain I went through for something so trivial. That was the yang. Right? I'm like, the key was the problem the key he's like yeah you know the key was the problem everything was cool the keys just worn down so we gave you a new key that was my night i didn't get home till 11 i got i got to the mall i got to the mall at 5 30 and didn't get to my house until 11

and i was just like I don't I don't even know What to say Were the five little kids Just like You did it mister You fixed your car And that was my day

And And Again This goes back To that yin yang thing I Felt bad And then I felt good

And then I felt mad That I felt good because it was something so stupid and trivial right i came in the door and the first thing that i see when i get in gordon ramsay chef gordon ramsay our favorite chef gordon ramsay's dwarf porn double wait for it wait for it this Wait for it. This is what made the day all worth it. All this trouble became worth it. Gordon Ramsay's dwarf porn double found dead in a badger den.

Let me repeat that headline. Chef Gordon Ramsay's dwarf porn double found dead in a badger den. I wonder if he was good at cooking. And it was our case that would have given even CSI's top investigators trouble. A dwarf porn star who was Gordon Ramsay's doppelganger has been found dead in a badger set in the UK. I guess that's Badger Den. Badger Den in the UK. Percy Foster, star of X-rated movie, Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Up Your Arse We Go, was about to rocket to the ranks of celebrity porn lookalikes due to his resemblance to Hell's Kitchen host when his partially eaten body was discovered in a badger's den.

He got eaten by a badger? Yes. You feel bad because he died. Here's the thing. It gets even crazier. According to the report in the UK tabloid The Sunday Sport, the 3-foot-6-inch actor was found deep in an underground chamber by a ministry of agriculture experts ahead of a planned badger gassing program near Trigaran, west of Wales.

Expert CSI teams had to use fingertip technology to remove his body from the six-foot-deep burrow, and investigators have not yet ruled out the possibility of suicide? Did he throw himself in a dadger pen? Wait, a dadger pen? The dadger pen. Dadger pen. Dadger pen.

That sounds like, if there was a badger and I was a badger, I'd be named Dadger Ben. That makes the thing where the guy's head popped off look like nothing. Man, commit suicide by badger. Really? Percy was a little guy with big problems, said adult film producer Dexter Yamunka. He was doing well well but was under pressure like everyone else in this god damn industry.

This is the best story I've ever heard. That's amazing. I love how he's like can you imagine this guy In my mind He's sitting there being interviewed with a giant cigar And they're like Can you tell us about Percy

And he's like Percy was a little guy with big problems He was doing well but Was under pressure And there's a pause and he stares out the window and goes Like everyone else in this goddamn industry. It just plays like the classical music fade out. It's like...

In a recent interview, 35-year-old Percy revealed his delight at being compared to Ramsay. Porn lookalikes get more money than normal actors. Dwarf lookalikes are as rare as hen's teeth, so you can command top dollar. I already ordered a new BMW and a diamond-encrusted soda stream. Yep. And then here's the best part. There's a link that you can click on, and it says, This dwarf was more of a man than Gordon Ramsay will ever be, claims Hell's Kitchen's host ex-mistress.

As the details of the bizarre death of Gordon Ramsay's dwarf porn... This must be a thing over in the UK, because this is amazing. Amazing. As the details of the bizarre death of Gordon Ramsay's dwarf porn double emerged on Monday, the Hell's Kitchen former host's mistress gave her reaction to this strange case. Even at his vertically challenged height, I'm sure this dwarf was more of a man than Gordon Ramsay will ever be, says Sarah Simmons, who claims she had an on-again, off-again fling with Ramsay for seven years.

Oh my god, I just looked up the article and he does look like Gordon Ramsay. He does. This may be the reason for having Friday shows. It may be. This is amazing. It makes the day better. It makes everyone's day better. I think so.

Which is why I think it's the perfect time to go to the sky in Chapter 7. Krendor, how's that traffic looking? Right now, I don't really know because I'm looking at internet articles instead of looking at traffic. So, uh, figure it out on your own. Alright, well, that happened. What's going on over at the weather desk? Uh, at the weather desk, we're gonna go, uh, to France today. Ooh, haven't we been to France before?

No. You just don't care about France, because they're not listing us on the top ten. What? They're not what? Well, we're gonna get on the top ten of France. Let's do this thing. Let's go to Dijon, because I like their mustard. I don't actually like their mustard. I do. Does Dijon mustard I like their mustard. I don't actually like their mustard. I do. Does Dijon

mustard actually come from there? Like French fries don't come from France and I don't think French toast does either but French fries are pommes frites which are not from France. Why do we call them French fries? This is an entire subject that relates back to me going to stupid five guys in my car getting towed. French fries. We're going to learn something today. Belgium. They were made in Belgium, apparently, by Joe Gallard. I know. So why French?

Hold on. I'm reading. Eating potatoes was promoted in France by Parmentier, but he did not mention fried potatoes in particular. Many Americans attribute the dish to France and offer, as evidence, a notation by U.S. President Thomas Jefferson. Pommes de terre frites. Pommes frites. Pommes frites. Petites trincées.

Nice, Jefferson. In a manuscript in Thomas Jefferson's hand, and the recipe almost certainly comes from his French chef, Henri Julien, in addition, from 1813. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So you're saying Thomas Jefferson, known womanizer, known genius, known badass American, known womanizer, also was known French fry eater?

Yes. Wait, and recipe almost certainly comes from his French chef, In addition, from 1813 on, recipes for what can be described as French fries occur in popular American cookbooks. So, it's all Thomas Jefferson. The more you know. All right, well, we were doing weather, right? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Dijon, we were doing weather, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Dijon, how's your weather today? Negative one degrees Celsius. Wow. Shizzle. And the vent is 24 kilometers an hour. Is it? Okay.

And the humidity is 95%. La humidity? And the point de Rosé is negative 2 degrees Celsius. None. And the visibility is 1.9

kilometers. You can't just say visibility and then add a douchey end to it. Visibility. That's all it says. There's a little hyphen thing then add a douchey end to it. Visibilité. It says there's a little hyphen thingy over the E, so I have to. Visibilité. Alright, okay.

And your indice de Pologne is horse saison. And now France loves us We're number one in France now If anything The French love when you make fun of their language At least I didn't make surrender jokes

Now we're off the top ten Alright so What's going on with sports? They want to get rid of Kickoffs in the NFL But that's where you can have onside kicks and fun I know and they said it's because What's going on with sports? They want to get rid of kickoffs in the NFL. But that's where you can have onside kicks and fun. I know, and they said it's because, oh, players are running at each other at high speeds,

and that's where injuries happen and things like concussions happen, and it's dangerous. Shut up, shut up, NFL, shut up. That's why these guys are getting paid the way they do, so that they can run at each other. What's even worse is that for years they encouraged that type of behavior and said run at each other as hard as you can because it's good for the fans. And now because people are like, you know, they are hurting themselves. Now they're like,

oh, we're going to have to extremely cut back on that. No, you caused it. You deal with it. Yeah. Suck it, NFL. You're stupid. Yeah, screw you. Yeah, screw you. Yeah.

See you Sunday. Yep. Yep. So what is our big news story of the day? Well, I felt like we could roll with a video game story. Oh. Oh, it is Friday. So what's our story the top 10 most disappointing

games of 2012 wow okay what were the top 10 most disappointing games of 2012 number 10 is call of duty black ops declassified this guy's rolling with the metacritic scores as well oh wow what was the metacritic metacritic What was the Metaquitic of that? 31. I never played that game. In fact, I didn't even know that was a thing. It's apparently for the PS Vita. Anything for the Vita usually is garbage.

Yes. I don't know if I want to make any friends over at PlayStation, but the Vita didn't do so well. It was mostly because the games were not very good. I don't want to make friends anyway because you made the Vita, and it sucks. All right. What's the next one on our list?

I've never heard of that game, so I can't really comment on it. Family Guy, Back to the Multiverse. Holy crap. I haven't played it. I saw it at E3. But I know people who have played it and they're like it is Horrible mostly because it's the voices of the characters the voices are great like the voice acting is funny the story is kind of funny, but the animation and

The way things look and the way things play is just garbage like It looks like you know that that South Korean company that does those really bad animatronics. Yeah, it looks like, you know that South Korean company that does those really bad animatronics? Yeah. It looks like that. So it's one of those games where they made it to make a game. Yes. What's our next game?

Next is Steel Battalion Heavy Armor. Again, a game I did not play. Oh, wow. I like how I'm good. I haven't played most of these games. What? Look at what you get to do in this game. heavy armor again a game I did not play well I like I'm good and my god games what you look at look at what you get to do in this game look at that screenshot you can fist bump your comrade

wow how is this not good is that like an in mission thing like fist bump me. Yeah, bro. I want to play this game now just to fist bump him. Fist bump. And the guy's like, Sarge. I like his face, too.

He's very happy that you get to fist bump each other. He's like, yes, I've been waiting for this moment for so long. I haven't touched another human in years. Just fist bump me! Well what did they say about it? They said the original Steel Battalion with its ridiculous control scheme was too much for most gamers so the idea of a voice and motion controlled follow up had people excited but massive Kinect problems ruin everything here. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. They relied on the Kinect as their platform? That's why you gotta fist bump

them. Can I just... Because it's on the Kinect. The Kinect is like one of the single worst pieces of hardware ever designed. I know they think it's great, but it's awful. We need to Kickstarter a Kinect game where all you do is fist bump people. Fist bump people. You fist bump the queen. You fist bump the queen.

You fist bump LeBron James. You fist bump. And then LeBron James betrays you in some way. You're playing basketball with LeBron James and you fist bump him and then he joins the other team. That would be an amazing game. 007 Legends. I heard that that was actually, people were playing it and they said it was actually kind of good. But I think the main concern people have is that it's old Bond games except with new Bond.

Mm-hmm. So I don't know. Nothing can beat Goldeneye. Goldeneye was an amazing video game. Yeah, I think that's, they probably were just like, hey, can we try to remake Goldeneye to, like, get money? That's probably their thought process. Yeah, I heard you do the stories of the other. Each mission is one of the past movies, except you play as Daniel Craig in all of them.

So, I don't know. That's all I heard. I didn't play that either. So far, I've played none of these games. It makes me feel good about my choices. played none of these games it makes me feel good about my choices it's uh i feel like the original golden eye was almost revolutionary while trying to remake it is kind of like it's the same we're like like when golden eye came out nobody had really played an awesome like multiplayer shooter game that was like the first big one and people were just like, whoa.

I vividly remember playing Oddjob and just wrecking people. I remember we, like, banned Oddjob. Because it was so cheap. It was so cheap. I would throw mines and hide and just set them off as people would run by. It was an amazing game. All right, what's the next one on our list? Resident Evil Operation Raccoon City.

Holy crap, I only heard bad things. I was going to buy that, too, because I like Resident Evil. With that said, though, I haven't bought one since 4. 5 I skipped because I just wasn't into it. Although I did hear, if you're a racist, it's the game to buy. And then Raccoon City I heard was garbage. Next is Medal of Honor

Warfighter. Didn't play that one either. EA's first attempt to reboot the once proud Medal of Honor series was flawed, but sadly this year's Warfighter falls even further short of the goal with shallow, uninspired gameplay. Clumsy execution torpedoes the game's clever idea for an emotional hook. Okay, I don't even know what that means.

That's just Yahoo speak where they try to throw a bunch of fancy words together to be like, This game, you may even think it was a war non-fighter. And then look up something in the thesaurus to confuse you. They high-five each other. War non-fighter. High-five. Moving on. Connect Star Wars.

Balls to it. That game's amazing. I don't care what anyone says. That game is amazing. If you've never played it, your options of playing is you can play as a Jedi trainee, in which case you and a bunch of Jedi run around a forest. And since it's a Kinect game, you flail your arms about and jump across the room like a crazy person, and you kill things.

It's amazing. Or your other option is you become a Rancor and you run around towns and you destroy the towns by jumping around the room and flailing your arms. And then the other option is Star Wars dancing. And you dance as a Star Wars character to spoofs of popular songs. And it's so good. So good. It's like Drive Angry levels. If you've never seen the movie Drive Angry, go watch it. It's so bad, it's good. This is that game. I refuse to

accept this is a bad game. It's so bad, it's good. Next is Ninja Gaiden 3. Didn't play it. The Ninja Gaiden franchise is beloved by many gamers for its steep steep challenge and tight action the latest entry might look the part but that tasty eye candy is cut down by bland repetitive gameplay instead of challenging you it's little more than a button mashing boar isn't that a like a trend i mean, recently all games have been like, how can we make it as button mashy as possible

and eye candy? And that's it. Other than that, like, I really get mad when I beat a game and I'm like, wait,

there was no story, the music was garbage. Like, I'll give credit to Black Ops 2. That story was solid, even though it was really fast,

like ADD levels of fast, where it's maybe four or five hours long, it was really tight. I was like, all right, this is good. And the music was amazing and all of it was good. But there's other games that try to have that same vein of like, let's pound out a story in five hours that suck. A lot of games have bad music when music is like one of the best parts. Music makes things.

Music makes – most scenes in movies wouldn't be as powerful and as emotional if it wasn't for the music. And that's just the way it is. The music sells the scene. And so music sells games as well. And a lot of music is just background noise now, which is garbage. Yep. Even in WoW, I remember, like, songs from just the zones. Yep.

And now it's sort of like, cricket, cricket, cricket. Yep. Next is number two, Disney's epic Mickey 2, The Power of Two. You know what? That doesn't come as a surprise to me. Why? The premise of two. You know what? That doesn't come as a surprise to me. The premise seems weird. Disney's great and all, but the premise of their game is Mickey needs help of another guy who's kind of like Mickey, but he's a rabbit.

And you go around and you play together and paint crap. I don't even understand it. The premise, it doesn't seem like the kind of game gamers would be into. I don't even understand it. The premise, it doesn't seem like the kind of game gamers would be into. I don't know. I mean, I never played Epic Mickey 1 because to me when you have to call something Epic Mickey I'm like, I'm out. I'm out. I've never played it either

so I can't really say anything but judging from the picture, it looks like him and the rabbit Mickey get along really well because they're shaking hands. That's good. At least he found a friend. Yeah. That's all that matters. And the worst game ever this year is Resident Evil 6.

Called that. What a letdown that game is. Like, I got to play some of it at E3. And E3, no joke, they went all out uh for people who who first off don't know what e3 is it's like a big gaming um show where all the big companies come and show off their games industry press all the people are there and what they do is they try to generate the most buzz possible it's kind of like comic-con where you're going there with your tv show or your comic book or whatever or movie and you're trying to generate buzz same with e3 with games. And so Resident Evil 6 put up posters.

Like, there was a booth you could go to, and it was like, get your photo taken for Resident Evil 6. It was this big, you know, thing. But then day two, they took everyone's photos and made them into these amazing, like, have you seen this person? Like, these people were taken by zombie kind of shit. It was great. And so you walk around and see them everywhere.

Like, their ad campaign was stellar. And the gameplay you got to play was great. However, what they didn't tell you is that the gameplay and everything that they let you play was the only good part of the game. Apparently, there's four stories. And the two good stories are really short, and the two other ones are really long and really awful. And people were just like, it's no. No.

And so I'm glad that the internet bashed. Usually reviews on the internet take, if it's bad review, it takes time to get out. But because everyone was giving it a bad review, I knew before I even had a chance to buy it that it sucked. And I was like, thank you, internet. You know what it needed? More button mashing? Fist bump scene.

More games need to use connect fist bump scene. They do. That would make them easily jump 10 points in the ratings. Well, speaking of jumping 10 points in the rating, I'm going to epic fist bump everyone out there because it's time to get out of here. I don't even know what transition that was. That was the ying. Yeah, we're going full circle again.

Anyway, yeah, we're done. Thank you all for listening. Thank you all for watching. And we will see you Monday. Have a great weekend. And as always to be continued. Woo!