Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox N' Crendor Beta: Monday, December 17th

Episode Date: December 17, 2012

On today's episode, Jesse and Crendor discuss the hobbit, Robot co-hosts, and of course a discerning look into the new Cosmo article about S&M. This one's for YOU, ladies.

Hello everybody, it's time for Ghost on Trendog! This is Trendog in the morning. In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour recording studios! Recording! Hit me! Wake your ass up! It's the next Trendog in the morning!

Hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me! Trendog in the morning! Crendor in the morning! Hello there, everybody! It's Monday. And you know what that means. It's time for another exciting episode of Cox and Crendor in the morning. We missed Friday. We did. But we have good reason. Well, I have good reason. Yeah. I was ready to do it. I went to The Hobbit, and it was midnight.

I was ready to do it. I went to The Hobbit, and it was midnight, and then I came home, and then I had a big, like, live stream internet event Friday, and so I made the judgment call that I just didn't, I wasn't gonna do it. Yeah. Hate me all you want, I decided not to. It wasn't really a judgment call, it was I went to bed. Didn't really think about it much. It wasn't really a judgment call. It was I went to bed. Didn't really think about it much.

We were going to try and do it before The Hobbit, but I had filming and stuff to do, so I was just like, you know what? Balls to y'alls. I'm going to go do my thing. That's what I did. My thing. I'm not going to judge you. Thank you.

You're welcome. This is the last time I'll ever say that to you, so cherish it. I will. I've already processed that audio clip and stored it away in my Z drive. Is that your brain? My Z drive? That's my super secure drive. Wow.

I'm honored. Yes. So that's pretty much what happened Friday. By the way, saw The Hobbit, loved it. You did not agree with the bad reviews on Rotten Tomatoes that the 48 FPS ruins it and that it's slow. You know what? It was not slow. I was, here's the thing, I was sitting in the theater waiting for it to be slow. It was over before, I was like, all right, when does this get slow? And it was over. And I was like, whoa, hold up.

What did they think was slow? I guess maybe they thought the beginning, where there's maybe like a 15, 20-minute period where Bilbo tells the backstory of like the intro. And then it does this little bit with, I guess you would say like present-day Bilbo, which makes no sense. But it's a scene that takes place, I would say, roughly five minutes before the start of the very first Lord of the Rings movie. And it has Frodo and all the characters. And that, that maybe is where they said it's slow, and then there's a bit where the dwarves show up. But that's all like, so you can get to know the characters

and stuff like that. I don't, I loved it. I was like, these dwarves, they're comical Jesus. So, it's mainly just people complaining to complain. I think it is. The one complaint that people had that I could kind of see and agree with is a lot of people felt that it felt like the first Lord of the Rings movie, where it's just, we're on a quest,

and we're going to go walk across various New Zealand vistas, and there are scenes like that. But I like that, so I... Is it just one movie, or is it a trilogy? It's a trilogy. Oh, okay. So I Is it just one movie or is it a trilogy? It's a trilogy Oh okay And they're setting it up so it sort of flows into the Lord of the Rings films Because they're adding stuff from I think it's the Similarian I don't know if that's the pronunciation I'm sure someone will have a better one

But it's the other book that has it's sort of the backstory and the lore of the entire Middle Earth universe And so they're adding parts of that in. So they're adding things that weren't in The Hobbit into this to sort of fill out the gaps because there are parts of The Hobbit, the actual book, which unlike The Lord of the Rings, I've actually read The Hobbit. I did too. Right? I think everyone as a child read The Hobbit.

I don't know about Lord of the Rings because that was a lot of words, a lot of words. Gandalf leaves every once in a while, and they don't really say why he does what he does. Like why he leaves the group and where he goes. But in this one, they explain what happens. And that's stuff I love. That why Gandalf does what he does. Why he is, why they're starting this whole mission.

Why all of it is taking place. That I think is great. So, yes. I thought it was wonderful. And to the reviewers who didn't like it, why don't you regain your sense of wonder, douchebags? Yeah. That's why I got all the extended Lord of the Rings, because then once I watched them, I was like,

whoa, it fills in lots of parts that they cut out for time. Right? Like in the last Lord of the Rings movie, where Gandalf meets the Witch King, the Witch King of Angmar. They meet each other, and then the horn blows, right? And then they cut that scene. Well, in the Extended Edition, they are, like, battling,

and the Witch King blows up his staff. That's why in the next scene he doesn't have a staff anymore. In the movie, you're like, wait, didn't that dude just have a staff? Yeah. But they cut that scene out. And then the sword he uses, in this movie they show how he gets the sword he uses. So it all, like, full circle, man. Or even with, like, the ghost mountain.

Like, they go inside the ghost mountain and convince the ghost people to, like, fight with him. And, like, in the original thing, they just, like, cut that all out. And then there's, like, random ghosts that are like, hey, we'll fight for you now. I mean, there's so much, and that's what I like about it. In a movie like that, where there's so much detail, if you're going to make a three-hour movie, three hours and 30 minutes doesn't make much of a difference to me. Like, this movie's two hours and 46 minutes,

and I'm like, I could have gone longer. I was enjoying myself. And it was midnight, we got out of there at 3 a.m., and I was still awake and like, I love this movie. I had a great time. I can't wait to get all the Hobbit extended versions and then go on like a 24-hour watch-everything marathon. The one thing that I did love is that they had Hobbit 3D glasses,

and they have like the Hobbit logo on the side. I was like, I'm keeping these. I'm taking them to every single one. I'm so excited. Oh, and the scene with Gollum and Bilbo is worth the price of a mission alone. Like that 25-minute chunk of the movie is pretty stellar. Andy Serkis should just play that character forever. In fact, we should design a surgical procedure in order to transform Andy Serkis into Gollum permanently.

I see. And just have him live in a cave and become a tourist attraction. The man, that's all he should be doing. Daddy, look at the strange man in the cage. That's Prasad. I want that so badly. Yeah, but we actually, speaking of dangerous journeys and perilous treks, today, coming home, we're getting ready to record this,

and it's at an hour where not many people are up and around and doing stuff, and so I tried to get into my parking garage from my apartment, and the gate would not open, and I had no clue how to get inside. I was just like, okay, there's no street parking.

There's nowhere to park around here. What am I supposed to do? So I had to call the management, and they had to call a dude to come out and manually open the garage. And all that's fine and dandy. That's wonderful. It hit me. With all this talk of the end of the world on the 21st, which is total bubkis, not real. But if the world were to end or power were to go out or anything, right?

Even if I had a full tank of gas and was prepared to leave and evacuate the city, I still couldn't because my garage door wouldn't open. And it's a giant metal gate thing that goes down, and it's super heavy. So there's no way you can just lift it up. So basically, I would be stuck here. I would die. I found this out very early in the morning, and I was like, well, that's not very comforting, but can't do anything about it,

so I guess I'm screwed well you could run and i would the wolves i assume once the world ends the wolves would would eat me if the angry minds didn't give me first no that's true the robot minds the robot mayans are just they're just waiting they're waiting in the pyramids as we learned last week oh we get to do the podcast for them. That's entirely assuming we know which time zone the world ends in. Oh, that's a good point. Because does it end for the Australians first, and then we get to watch the world slowly vaporize one time zone at a time as it hits midnight?

The robot minds start in Australia. They just work their way outward. They slowly take their time. They're like, is it midnight in the next place? They just wait on the border of the time zone. We must wait. Calculating procedures. If they destroy everyone at midnight on the 21st,

then that's unfair to people where it's still the 20th. Those are some good hours we could still be using. Those are a lot of good hours we could be being productive. Just saying, I don't think it would be very nice of them. I'm not saying that I would fight against them, because as you know, I for one welcome our new overlords. I do as well. I will.

Wait, don't we do this like every episode? We have to, because then we won't die. Cox and Crandor and Blorknock in the morning. Blorknock is the best robot Mayan name I can come up with. Blorknock.

Blorknock. Cox and Crandor and Blorknock in the morning. There's a guy named Joe Breknock. That's not even close to Blorknock. Wait, that's a woman. I learned something today. I learned absolutely nothing. All right, now let's go. Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on. Yeah? Did you know that only stupid people claim to be abducted by aliens because the aliens keep the smart ones? What? It makes sense. Where did you hear this? On the internet. It makes a weird amount of sense. Where did you hear this? On the internet.

It makes a weird amount of sense. It does. Right? The aliens abduct you, test you, and if you're stupid, they send you back. George, I done went out in the fields looking for Bigfoot. Then I got abducted by aliens. How do you know that Bigfoot wasn't the aliens? Whoa.

Whoa, indeed. It's like Bigfeet are the alien dogs. What? All right, all right, no. No, we are not going down this one. I was ready to. Some guy's like, it all makes sense now, Mom. He's going to write a book.

Bigfoot, the Dogs of Aliens. By Cox and Crandor. And Blortnut. Cox and Crandor and Blortnut in the morning. Anyway, now it's time to go to chapter seven of the sky. Crandor, how is that traffic out there? Well, since it's Monday, the traffic is really slow since everyone's depressed and going back to work or school. So what you can do is you can hop into your hover car and take that to where your destination is,

unless you don't want to get there fast. Then you can just go slow like all the other people. And, uh... Touchdown. You really made me do that fapping noise for an extra, like, five seconds. That hurts my hand. Well, I had to say something. Thanks.

Now let's go over to Crendor at the weather desk to see how that weather's looking. Crendor. We're going to go to UK and Ireland today. To UK and Ireland. That actually sounds like the name of a city in the UK. UK over Ireland, Shia! Well, we're gonna go

to Coleraine UK. Coleraine. Sounds like a toothpaste. It sounds like a type of soda. Coleraine. I think it sounds like a toothpaste. I think it sounds like the best gangster style drink ever. They call that Col like the best gangsta-style drink ever. They call that cola rain?

They call that cola rain? There's more to that rap, but we need to move on. Okay. Today in cola rain, it is 4 degrees Celsius. And today's forecast is a high of 6 degrees Celsius with a 40% chance of am showers uh the pollen index is out of season uv index low aches and pains index is a three and the temperature change is steady with a visibility of 16.1 kilometers with 990.86 mbs of pressure i think it means megabytes. It's the damn Matrix robots. It is.

Here's the best part. Most morning shows, when the new day starts, they talk about new subjects. We keep referring back to things that happened a week ago. That's because we are extremely high quality around here. High quality non-content. All right. Now let's go over to Kretnor at the sports desk. All right, exciting sports news today because people played football in America. Jacoby Jones lost, but he had three catches for 51 yards.

It's not bad, Jacoby. Not bad at all, Jacoby. I don't know if he had any kick returns, though. I don't think he did because they lost so i imagine if he doesn't do that they lose i imagine the same yes and on the greg jennings report uh the packers won so that's partially because greg jennings played he also had four catches for 50 yards how many catches did jacobi have he had three catches so basically jacobi j catches did Jacoby have? He had three catches.

So basically, Jacoby Jones is a better player. He is, but Greg Jennings put the team on his back to victory. But Jacoby Jones didn't even need to do that. Oh, wait, no, he didn't. That's why they lost. Okay, never mind. Yep. Jacoby gets the stats.

Greg Jennings puts the team on his back. If the two of them were together and Greg Jennings put Jacoby Jones on his back, That may be the greatest combination in history. If Jacoby Jones somehow could ride on a little Greg Jennings saddle, we would have the best team ever. Best team. They would just be called the Greg Jones. That's our great sports news coverage.

Sports! The Greg Jones. That's our great sports news coverage. Sports! Now it's time for our number one best story of the day. Crandor, hit me with that story. Well, this is a pretty cool story, which is I couldn't find any cool stories. So, I just found Mad Libs. What? Mad Libs!

Remember Mad Libs? This? Mad Libs. Remember Mad Libs? This isn't news at all. But I couldn't find any good news stories. So give me a male name. What the hell? This isn't news at all. We don't. There's plenty of news shows like Good Morning America that don't.

Actually, most news shows don't report the news at all. They just have on little stupid things. They're like, oh, today we're going to play hopscotch with Jimmy and co. And then they have Jimmy on. He's like, I'm from over here in the UK core line. And then they're like, oh. And then they play hopscotch on Good Morning America. I like how I can't find a news story.

The next best thing I can do is Mad Libs. Alright, well give me a male name. I'm gonna try to make this as news appropriate as possible. How about Uncle? No. Uncle Mark. No. We're going with Uncle Mark. No, I'm the one who has to give you the names.

I'm going to try and save this. Barack Obama. I don't want to use Barack Obama. Barack Obama. We're making this newsworthy. Barack Obama. City or town? Moscow.

Moscow. Moscow. Adjective. This is like a descriptor yeah So Is coldly I'll accept it Coldly

Singular noun Papers Paper Female Newsworthy female Kate Middleton Kate Middleton. Kate Middleton. Singular noun.

Baby blankie. Baby blankie. Exclamation. Shouting something? Like, wow! Oh, uh, shaboozy. Shaboozy. Male.

Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton. And a present tense verb is the last thing we need. A present tense verb? Uh, sit. That would be sitting. Sitting? Is it?

Because it's present tense. Like, I am sitting. Well, what about I sit? Is that what you're going to tell someone? Like, what are you doing, Bob? I sit. I sit. Thank you, American education system.

Me sit. All right. Here's our wacky Mad Lib. Is this really all you created today? It's called the Hanukkah party. Oh, no. Uh-huh. So, I may have replaced Barack Obama with Uncle Mark.

No, it's not. Last week, my whole family went to a Hanukkah party at my Uncle Mark's house in Moscow. No, at Barack Obama's house. At Barack Obama's house. In Moscow. The first thing we did when we got there was open presents. Uncle Mark always gives us coldly presents. Barack Obama.

This year, he gave me a paper and my little sister Kate Middleton a baby blankie. Shaboosie, Uncle Mark, I said. Barack Obama. How did you know I wanted a paper and my little sister Kate Middleton a baby blankie. Shaboosie, Uncle Mark, I said. Barack Obama? How did you know I wanted a paper? Then Kate Middleton, my cousins, and I played the dreidel game. My cousin Bill Clinton put an empty bowl in the center of the table and gave us each our own pile of candy for the game. Kate Middleton went first, spun a shin, and had to put a piece of her candy in the bowl.

I could tell she was wanting to sit, but she knew she had to behave. The bowl continued to fill with candy, the most of us spinning shin. Then I spun a gimel. I got the whole bowl of candy. On the way home, I whispered to Kate Middleton that I would share my candy with her, but she had fallen fast asleep. She's pregnant, so, you know, she's tired. Plus, all that candy is for two now. It's a good thing that Barack Obama did that and not your Uncle Mark.

And I don't think Uncle Mark is Jewish. Oh my god, well that was a giant waste of time. I think it was the opposite of a waste of time. I'm pretty sure it was. I'm pretty sure the only things we learned is that you couldn't find a new story, I'm horrible at grammar, and that was a giant waste of time. Well, actually, I think sitting, I think sit actually fit in. It said I could tell she wanted to sit. So actually, I think you were right.

I am sit. I am sit. I am sit. That's all you need to know. All right, let's just go to Cosmo this is gonna be our new backup plan get your 50 shades on girl uh-huh like it or not 50 shades of Grey is taking S&M mainstream a few years ago, we couldn't have spoken so openly about nipple clamps. Yes!

Oh, God, yes. It's going to be good. Go on. So, here's the guide to S&M for beginners. Holy shit. Wait, this is in Cosmo? This is on Cosmo's website. Here's the best part. Because it's Cosmo, you know they'll do it wrong.

So I can't wait to see what they're going to teach women that is completely inaccurate. I saw a what-do-you-call-it meme that said Cosmo's strategy is to give women terrible advice so they become single and then buy Cosmo. It makes sense. It does. It makes sense. All right, continue. I'd love to hear this. Number one is talk dirty to him. Bringing

up S&M with your partner can be shocking and awkward. A great way to test the fantasy is to incorporate it into dirty talk. Here's the thing. No, it's not. No, it's not. There's not one guy in the world who, if you are intimate with him and you start talking dirty, there's not one guy who's gonna be like

shh, shh, don't do that. Don't be exactly like the porn that I watch on the internet. Don't do that. You're ruining the mood. No guy's going to say that. Trust me, ladies. You can never not talk enough. Just keep going.

Free flow of information. Just go. Talk about your day. Whatever. Just keep going. Just keep talking. There's no way that it could be awkward I'm pretty sure it wouldn't I'm pretty sure the guy would be like

You might be the one marry me Pretty sure he wouldn't care by that point Safety first is number two Physically and emotionally kink can be heavy So it's great for long term couples Who already have built up trust still there's going to be bondage and a little struggle have a safe word other than no there's still gonna be bondage and a little struggle this isn't civil rights

have a safe word other than no it can can be red, banana, something you normally wouldn't say. Banana. Banana. Banana. Banana. Number three, see no more. S&M is about seating control, so a good entry point is bringing a blindfold to bed and seeing how you like it. One night, one of you can be the boss.

The next night, you switch it up. Oh my god. Single best. You know what? This may be our best episode. It may be. This may have turned it around. We went from Hanukkah parties to blindfolds.

Number four, cuff love. We're all about working up to things gently. Handcuffs are familiar, and most people know how to use them. No, handcuffs should not be a familiar part of your life. If handcuffs are a familiar part of your life, you are doing it wrong. You are having way too many runs with the law. If that's a thing you're doing all the time, you have a problem. Who doesn't know how to get out of handcuffs, like, by yourselves?

Like, don't you just do that in the back of police cars? There's nothing more erotic than being handcuffed. And criminals should know. Like, that's what they're saying. Oh, my God. Number five, dress the part. There's a whole style to kink. Bring in textures like leather, latex, garters, and high heels.

Anything you wouldn't normally wear in bed. So wear clothes is what they're saying? Yeah. Just keep your clothes on. It'll make it more difficult. Sort of like bondage. It's good enough. It feels like this is just like the hipster thing to do.

Dude. I keep my clothes on. If they make like, the hipster thing to do. Dude. I keep my clothes on. If they make bondage a hipster thing, that is amazing. S&M needs to become a hipster thing. I was in S&M before. It was cool. Was it S&M before Fifty Shades of Grey? You know there's someone out there just like that, too.

Like, ugh. Now that all these soccer moms are dressing up like s&m hoes now i have to do something even more kinky i'm gonna dress up like a soccer mom and then the world just comes full circle yep and that's just in time for the mind apocalypse exactly when the robots take over there's no more time for kink sex is all about ones and zeros and pleasing the robot overlords number six i don't even want to know what that means i don't either light biting when you're really turned on pain can feel a lot like pleasure you don't have to get a punishing spanking from christian gray to get a kick out of pain. Well, it has a link to Christian Gray. Oh, boy.

I hope it's a Wikipedia page, and it's like, Christian Gray, like this fake character who is actually a fan fiction of Edward from Twilight. It is nine guys who should play Christian Gray. You know what? Funny story, no one cares. No one should play Christian Gray

because that is awful. Except for the 41 people that shared it on Facebook. 41 people, I'm going to say Except for the 41 people that shared it on Facebook. 41 people, I'm going to say 39 of those 41 are over the age of 40. Most likely. I've been married for 22 years and this finally made me experience life. Spoiler, you've been doing it wrong. Number seven. The sound of music.

Music helps drown out the world around you and lets you focus on the pleasure at hand. Try Nine Inch Nails, Muse, Radiohead. What? What? What? What? Yes, nothing says hot eroticism like listening to the song Hurt, sung by Nine Inch Nails. Muse, you can listen to Resistance by Muse. That will definitely get you in the banging mood.

There's like three songs from each of the bands you listed out of their catalog of like almost 50 songs, probably more. Only three that I can think of will be appropriate for an S&M session. Or it recommends Marilyn Manson or Prince. Yes, yes. Because I definitely want to be... Like that. I want that.

I want that happening when I'm doing you. Yeah. That's very erotic. Very. He might as well play songs like, I'm like a bird, I want to fly away. Like that. Same effect.

Just embarrassing yourself. Number eight. Put a ring on it. 150 shades of play tells you about all sorts of us and them, including... No. Tamagotchi! No. The Japanese fetish of getting...

No, I'm sorry. What was that? What was that? Tamagotchi! What is that? The Japanese fetish of getting kicked in the balls. I'm sorry, what? The Japanese fetish of getting kicked in the balls. I'm sorry, what? The Japanese fetish of getting kicked in the balls.

That is only a fetish the Japanese could love. I don't understand how that works. I like how they have to specifically say the Japanese fetish. This is Japan? If they said the fetish of getting kicked in the balls, I would have been like, first off, that is no one's fetish. And it says, of course, if your partner wants you to kick him in the balls, I would have been like, first off, that is no one's fetish. And it says, of course, if your partner wants you to kick him in the balls, that's probably not the best first step.

Thank you, Cosmo. You're making life so much better. So much better. Number nine, light my candle. BDSM temperature play is a scale from ice to candle wax. Be careful to use only plain white candles. Scented candles burn too hot. Jesus Christ.

Unbelievable. Here's the best part. If you were in college, you probably experienced 90% of this. I'm not going to lie. At some point in your young life, you've probably experimented or seen enough, especially with the internet now, to know that this stuff is, you've seen every one of this. Like, none of this is new.

None of it. And if you do it, you've chosen to do it. And if you don't do it, it's because you've chosen not to do it. This is for people who are living in an Amish community somewhere, who have never experienced life outside their small town. That's a great quote by you. If they did it, they did it. And if they didn't do it, they didn't do it.

Jesse Cox, 2012. I want that on my tombstone. Right next to my robot wife. Knock, knock. And number 10 is toys and girls. Handing over the controls of your toy to your partner suddenly seems a lot more kinky than doing it on your own. That doesn't make any sense. Why would me giving her the controls to my RC racer be kinkier?

I don't understand. Yeah, I mean, I'm not going to give her my GI Joes. That's just stupid. It is. I'm not sharing. Yeah, that's dumb. This one's stupid. It doesn't even make sense, Cosmo.

Extremely stupid, Cosmo. You saved your best for last and you want me to give away my Ninja Turtles? Screw you, lady. I have a very close relationship with my Ninja Turtles. Yep. Okay? Yep. I can't see that they'd be talking about anything else. What would they be talking about?

I don't know. I grew up in a strict Amish community by the way. If they were talking about anything else you'd think they would just come out and say it and not beat around the bush because that'd be stupid. When I grew up in my Amish school all we had was toy little straw men that we played stickball with.

And pretended to farm. Uh-huh. Yeah, well. And then we went and gathered the crops. Who here has never been Amish? I saw Amish people once in my life. It was in Indiana. They seem pretty content, I'm not gonna lie.

They do. I've met a lot of Amish people, and they always seem pretty okay with being Amish. I'm like, that's good for you. Yeah. Yeah, when you don't have to read Cosmo every day, and be told how much you suck at everything. You know, you turn out pretty great. Anyway guys, that's it. That's all the time we have for today. Thank you

for listening, and we will be back tomorrow with another exciting episode of Cox and Creditor in the morning. And as always, ding, ding, to be continued.