Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox N' Crendor Beta: Monday, February 11th 2013

Episode Date: February 11, 2013

Helllooooo Monday! Cox n' Crendor are back from a short break to brighten your day and make all your sadness go away! ( Our lawyers advise us that this may not actually happen) Today Crendor discovers something called Squishables and falls in love with them. Jesse mocks him mercilessly. Also the boys talk about water for far too long and help YOU live longer so you can make up for time lost listening to this podcast.

Hello everybody, it's time for Cox and Crendor in the morning. In the morning. Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live. In 4 hour recording studios. Recorded. Wake your ass up, it's Cox and Crendor in the morning. Cox and Crendor in the morning. Hello everybody, it is Cox and Crendor in the morning! Crendor in the morning! Hello there everybody, it is Cox and Crendor in the morning.

Welcome back to the show. It's Monday and before we started today, Crendor proposed an amazing proposition. Yes. That he and I create a dance. Yes. And I don't know what kind of dance we'd create But I feel like no matter what kind of dance it is It must go along with The Funk Soul Brother song

Check it out now The Funk Soul Brother Right about now That's what I want I don't know, I guess no one could see me I was like, I don't know if you could see me But no one could see me, but I was doing like a jig Like, check it out now

I like how you're like, nobody can see me, but like, let me demonstrate it one more time. It's that good. My hands were a flailing. Because everybody gets these like popular dances, like there's the Dougie, and there's like the new one, and like

all these dances. We need our own dance. We need the CC. Yeah Amazing so it'll be called so it's called and you can only dance it to check it out We need to make a non copyright version of that song so somebody do that We can sell it well consider I don't know the lyrics that song I Plus one part where it keeps like skipping the lyric over and over again, and I swore for a long time we were saying,

Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin. I swore that's what he was saying. He's like, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin. Check it out now. You got that. I also want to propose something else. Uh-huh. What is that? I found want to propose something else. Uh-huh.

What is that? I found these things called squishables. The hell is a squishable? Okay, squishable. You know that big, like, fox thing Dodger has? Like the giant puffy fox? Um, yes. She actually, here's what's disturbing about that.

People keep sending her them, so she's got, like, eight. And they're all different sizes. And I'm like, look, you just need to tell people no sometimes. Well, okay. That's a squishable. And they have like a bunch of them. And I want all of them.

So, I want to make a Kickstarter. Get me all the squishables? Yes, I want all the squishables. There's so many. They just put up, and they keep putting up new ones. There's a squishable bat, a pterodactyl, a Utah raptor. Yeah, but all they have to do is make a big circle and then color it differently.

Like, hey, it's a freaking squishable. No, but they have different faces. There's a yeti. Hold on. What's the yeti look like? Hold on. I'm going to link this to you this is amazing the website we're talking about is squishable.com and I just like just would like to point out that everyone on here is a young girl don't judge me I am judging you. However, with that said, the squishable Cthulhu is amazing. Squishable Warable?

Warable. I don't even know what the hell that thing is. It's amazing. They have a giant one. If you go to the massive, there's a giant one. They have a squishable jellyfish. They have a squishable cupcake. I know.

I want them all. Although, although, they have a squishable earl gray tea which is amazing and they have a squishable yeti that you're right the yeti is hilarious it is still though still though this is retarded as shit okay if you go to massives they have giant ones. I don't know. The Squishable Warble is kind of adorable. I want the Massive Warble beanbag. Oh, my God. Here's the best part. The Warble beanbag, it's huge and wonderful looking.

The problem is that that girl, I would assume, is, you know, a shorter lady. She's also very, very thin, which means two things. I would be, like, 12 thin, which means two things. I would be like 12 feet tall compared to this thing. Well, but I'm thin. Still, but you're a man. That's true. And all this

goes against your manhood. Alright, there's a woman. I'm sorry. Look, there's a woman. This is the image we're using today. There's an image of a woman just mounting a T-Rex. I don't. Do you see it?

That's what we're using. This is it. It's a magical image. And I like his face as well. He's so excited. He's like, whoa. I wasn't expecting this today. Oh my!

He looks like he's had one too many cavemen to eat. It's been a long day. Let me tell ya, I cannot believe this is a thing! Oh god. Like I said, I want a Kickstarter

to get all of them. I feel like that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Then I could have a squishable floor. That is stupid. I'd just have an entire room. Nothing would happen. I would fill an entire room with them, and then I would take you all on a vlog through my squishable room.

But you can't get the cupcake or the corgi or the sloth those are those are sold or the walrus or the whale so much is sold out you're missing out right now once once I start this the kick there's the squishable people will see it and just be like you know what we'll give you all of them I don't think they'll see my determination to get into the squishables every single person here is like a woman. In every picture that's like a fan picture, it's like a young lady. I'm not judging you, but I am judging you.

No, but they have a... Wait, hold on. No, there's a picture of Kanye West with one. Or a man who looks like Kanye West with one. Yes. Yeah, see? So, all right. And they have a bunch of pictures of people hugging them

And there were some guys in there Uh, that is a relative term Listen, we all know I'm an old man So you just don't care anymore? Look, I'm beyond caring, I'm too old for this Just like, give me the friggin' squishables, alright? Speaking of being a man Everyone knows you're a man when you're defined by your weaponry.

And I now officially have weaponry. That samurai sword, that katana, right? The one I was like, oh, I'm going to take back. Well, my laziness paid off because I went to my PO box and there was another one. And it was from the same guy. Mark Chen, I believe his name is. I don't know if that's Racist as balls, but it's you got another one

So I got another one, but this one said give this one to your friend John Bain If you see me get so I was like oh, I was like so this guy is cool And so he gave and so now we have two swords But I'm gonna keep both screw TB Yeah, just need one right so that's exciting And so he gave, and so now we have two swords. But I'm going to keep both. Screw TB. Yeah. He doesn't need one. All right. So that's exciting.

That's so cool. So I have a sword now. And I feel special about that. I feel like a real strong brute man. So have you read that other note then? Um, no. What other note? Like, didn't you say the first one came with a note?

You didn't know what it said? Yeah. So what if it says something like, Jesse, you are the first one came with a note? You didn't know what it said? Yeah. So what if it says something like Jesse, you are the best, but it's like in Japanese. Well then, I'll, you know what? Write it in English next time. That's

your motto. Write it in English next time. Damn kids with their crazy languages. Learn you some English. Quit writing the scribbles. This is what I did in fifth grade. Oh, we fought World War II.

Yeah. Yeah. But, but, speaking of the post office, so then today, I went down to my mailbox and they have another package. Like, hey, we tried to deliver a package to you but rather than take it up to your actual apartment we just took it back to the post office where you have to go get it it should be there by 10 a.m so i drive at the post office at 11 waiting like the long line the most ineffective post office in the entire country and then i get there and she's like i can't find it i'm like what do you mean you can't find it? She's like, maybe the driver hasn't come back yet.

What do you mean? She's like, maybe you should come back at three. I'm like, okay. So after the podcast is over, the other one I do, come back and they're like, no, I'm still not here yet. Flip every table. I should have just burnt the place down. Unbelievable.

Good work, U.S. Postal Service. So now there's a rogue package out there that no one seems to know where it's at, but is important enough that it needs to... The reason why you wouldn't deliver it is because it needed to be signed for, and it needed to be scanned. So it's a package important enough that I need to have my signature on it, and it needs to be scanned to verify that it was delivered.

And they're like, we lost it. Good work, guys. USPS I Have fun post a story so yesterday I went to the post office cuz I was like I'm gonna get a p.o box So that why is that why you got those damn squishables now you have a p.o box and you're like yay Send me free crap. I didn't even think of that, but if you want to get me some squishables I'm just gonna get like a billion of them sent to me now Free crap. I didn't even think of that, but if you want to get me some squishables,

I'm just going to get like a billion of them sent to me now. I hope not. I hope people are smarter than that. I know you all aren't, and I approve. But, but, I went to the post office. I almost spit my water out there. I want to let you know that. Almost. Oh, yeah, I go to the post office, and they were closed by like 20 minutes and the guy's

sitting at the window and i was like hey i wanted to like register my po box i paid for it everything it's gotta like register and he was like oh they're out of here they left like 20 minutes ago don't go here it's a bunch of jerk offs what he made the jerk motion Wait the guy who works there? Yeah The guy who works there is like don't come here there's a bunch of jerk offs You're the guy who works here though At the welcome desk He made the jerk off motion

He's like bunch of jerk offs work here They get you in get you out it's a factory Go somewhere else I worked at some other places They're a lot better than this one. That makes no sense. I was like, oh, thanks for the advice. Oh my god. I also got more Kinder chocolate.

Why do you keep getting Kinder chocolate? Well, this isn't Happy Hippo. This is Bueno. Bueno. Wait, what? Bueno chocolate, so it's not kinder chocolate though. It is kinder chocolate wait I thought kinder chocolate was a brand not a type it is well. I'm gonna be kinder chocolate right now Well kinder is the brand and this thing is bueno. What is it? It's like little chocolate pieces, and they got a meleko or zeki inside.

I don't even know what that is. Well, on the front, it shows the chocolate, and then it shows like a little walnut and a glass of milk with a flower. It's from Germany. That is the least descriptive candy bar. On the front, it has a glass of milk with flour and a nut so does it have flowers and Nuts and milk hold on I'm gonna show you look at this so Kinder bueno I understand

Yeah, okay great so that does that that helps that helps no one watching But I now understand. Okay, so it looks like it has a milky, creamy center. Uh-huh. Now, is it creamy? What is the consistency? It tastes like the hippos. Okay, I have no clue what you're eating anymore. Kinder, if you would like to send me your buenos or your hippos, I will accept them.

I'll take all your buenos and your hippos, but no bueno hippos. It's so much better than American chocolate. That's because American chocolate is 9,909% sugar and very little actual chocolate. Isn't there milk chocolate just like melted down like chocolate bars and then like remade or something i don't know how it works i just know that if you look at the actual consistency on most foreign chocolate bars chocolate is the first ingredient and on most american chocolate bars it is not corn syrup good work america and water and glucose and extrosrose although it chocolate like last they use chocolate like substance

it's like the mcdonald's like we use meat like proud we create our meat in a factory oh I mean Snickers I don't care up with your chocolate and your deliciousness okay killing me here smalls I don't care up with your chocolate and your deliciousness Okay Killing me here Smalls. Sorry. I still haven't eaten the rest of those gingers so much They don't have souls. I'm sitting here drinking my water today unlike last time which was unknown water today

It's a bottle of Fiji water that was purchased for 99 cents. Oh, yeah. This water has, it's bottled in Yajara Vitu Levu, Fiji Islands. I assume that's a real place. I looked up that water that I was drinking, the New Zealand one. They got an F for environmental friendliness. Good work. Oh, but next to my Kinder chocolate, they had water from Poland.

Polish Springs? They had Polish... No, no, no. Hold on. I'm gonna get it. It's worth it. All right, I'll wait here. Okay, I got it.

Uh-huh. It is called Natekzowianka. What the fuck? It is natural mineral water. Started in 1817. Wait, they're bottling water in 1817 in Poland? Yes. Full patootie.

It is a product of Poland. Nestle Waters Polska. Yeah, okay. Bullshit. When Nestle is making it, you know that's not. They're probably like... No, but Nestle had the best rated water for environmental friendliness. Yeah, well, that's like recycling and crap.

That's not the water. Oh, so I should just go back to drinking New Zealand water? You probably should. Sorry, Poland. I'm looking at the back of this Fiji water and it says it has total dissolved solids 223. What does that mean exactly? There are 223 dissolved solids in here? What does that mean?

That's frightening. That's a horrific statistic. You got a lot of solids. Yeah, my solid ratio is very high. I don't even know what that means. All right, anyway, we need to move on. We need to move. This podcast has evolved into us talking about water.

And chocolate. And chocolate. Chocolate water. We'd be rich. chocolate. And chocolate. Chocolate water. We'd be rich. We'd be rich. Chocolate water. Actually, I think something like that existed and it tasted horrible. But we would make ours with real chocolate.

Yeah, and if it didn't taste good, we'd just start putting, like, sugar in it. Yeah, and then it would be a chocolate. It would basically be a Yoo-Hoo. We'd end up with a Yoo-Hoo. We would. We'd name it CC, and we'd do a dance for it. We'd make it. We'd end up with a Yoo-Hoo. We would. We'd name it CC. And we'd do a dance for it. Get yourself a CC!

It'd be like... Yes. That would be the beat. Sure. Yes. It sounded like you were trying to rev a motorcycle that just wasn't starting. Boing, boing.

Pretty much, yeah. All right, let's go to Crendor in the sky in chapter 7. Crendor, how's that driving out there? Oh, I was trying to rev my motorcycle earlier. It wasn't working. I finally got it up in the sky. Let's see. Looking down, I see there's a green car that just crashed into the side of a building. The guy is getting out of his car and yelling at the car. I think he's just really angry at the car.

Sometimes, you know, you just got to understand it's not the car's fault. It's your fault. And you just got to take responsibility. There's a dolphin jumping in the ocean I'd watch out for that dolphin. He may jump over the bridge. He might be a hazard for drivers over the bridge There's also a monster truck cruising down the street taking up four lanes That's kind of halting traffic so back to you. Hey, thanks, Crandor. All right now Let's go over to Crandor at the weather desk. Crendor, what kind of weather do we have today? Today's weather, as I drink my Polish water.

It's from Poland? It's from Poland. Wait, why did I have to think of that? We're going to go to Poland, Ohio. Oh, son of a bitch. Poland, Ohio, 12 degrees Fahrenheit with 90% humidity and a southeast 2 mile per hour wind with 30.27 inches of pressure. Wow. Wow.

That's a lot of pressure. The humidity is putting the pressure on them. Because 90%, that's like super snow. That's some super snow right there. That's a sheet of snow. That's just, you walk outside and you're frozen. It's like when they found those mammoths that were frozen while eating. Yeah, there's probably penguins all over there.

Flash froze. That's Poland, Ohio. It makes sense. And some trending keywords in the Poland area are snow, sunny, and rain. Wait, that's all over the place. That is kind of all over the place. Well, snow is the main one with 142. Let's check out these local tweets.

Wait, it says there's no tweets. It lied to me. Well, it's Poland, Ohio, so. Oh, I can click on this little thing and it pops up some tweets. There's like three guys there. This guy says, thank you, rain. Please come again. Save farmers.

That's the only tweet. That's it. His name was Ask Orange. Ask Orange? He probably thinks he's... And if you go to his page, another tweet he had was, Denison Mines Corp announces plan of arrangement with JNR.

Single most boring person on the planet. Right there. He's just going to start being like, Aloab, Aloab. No, no. Even robots are more entertaining than this guy. Oh, here you go. He had a tweet saying, Sanchez Jets clear number one quarterback for now.

He's also a conspiratorialist. So he signed up to go off to that citadel thing. That's probably where they're going to train all the Aloaps. At the citadel, now in Poland, Ohio. Poland, Ohio. Where's all... King of the Aloap cities. Aloap.

Aside from the actual Aloap place. Yes, wherever that is. Well, it's the place spelled Aloap backwards. Oh, of course it is. For now. Pa, wherever that is. Well, it's the place spelled Aloap backwards. Oh, of course it is. For now. Paola. I like how we started with Paola. Now we don't even care about them anymore.

We're like, Aloap. Aloap. All right, then. Let's move on to sports. Sports. Today in sports, we have some exciting news. Do we? Very exciting.

Lakers confirm Pau Gasol has partial tear. Holy crap. The whole league's going to hell. Let's look up tennis news. Rafael Nadal triumphs in singles return and Venus Williams pulls out of Qatar Open. I hate tennis. It's boring. Let's look up bobsledding news. Bobsledding? Bobsledding gold for the U.S. Lolo wins gold in bobsledding. Who's Lolo?

I don't know, but I'm excited now. Oh, man. Lolo. The United States team, including Olympic 100-meter hurdler Lolo Jones, won gold Sunday in the combined bobsled skeleton team event in the world championship. What? They let skeletons ride bobsleds?

Yeah! Dude, this is amazing. Lolo's a skeleton? Yeah, Lolo the skeleton. Lolo the skeleton rides bobsleds for America. She's a native of Des Moines, Iowa. Holy shit. And was a break woman for Alana Myers in the women's bobsled portion of an event that also added times in two-man bobsled plus men's and women's skeleton. Until she died that fateful day.

But only the wizards at Disney's Pixar could bring her back to life. Coming December. Using her magic. I need to show you a picture of Lolo. Damn! They got her with a derp face, though. That can't be... She is a fit lady.

She's a very fit lady. She has got muscles in places where women should not have muscles. Holy crap. We need to go to some more crazy sports like bobsledding in the future. Wow. All right, well, then let's go to our big news story of the day. Grendel, what you got? We got an amazing story called Ways You Shorten and Lengthen Your Life Every Day.

Oh, okay. This is interesting. Exercise 150 minutes a week, live 3.4 years longer. You've probably seen that headline from a recent Harvard study and many others like it all over the web. Hit the gym, eat more vegetables, or quit smoking and you'll be around a few more years.

In concept, it's a good tool for motivation. The problem? It's hard to conceptualize how something you do today might affect you in 30 or 40 years. David Spiegelter, PhD, a professor of biostatistics at the University of Cambridge, tells menshealth.com, and if you're already going to live to be 91, why bother trying to stretch those twilight years to the age of 94 and four months?

He's got a good point. If you hit 91, getting to 94 really doesn't matter. And less than those three years, they develop, like, a way to store your consciousness in a computer. But I feel like at that point, you would just be like, whatever. Right? Because you're 90. At that point, you're like, nothing left for me.

It's like you've done everything. Right? Like, look, I'm done. We had a good run world, but you are dumb as shit. I feel like that's, when you talk to old people, I feel like that's the lesson they learn. They live through life, and by the time they get really old, they're just like, look, it's not all it's cracked up to be. That should be their final tombstone quote. It's not all it's cracked up to be. No, the other one, like, we've've had fun world but you're stupid as shit

that's it I want that to be like in the future I see a video like hologram tombstones and I want me to appear and I want to just nod and bow to the world and then go we had fun world but you're stupid as shit it just loops over and over whenever someone

walks by they get to see that. There's somebody that's like walking to their other someone else's and they're just like, oh, I got to pass that assholes again. We had fun, Wild. And you could just like change the dial on your tombstone to like different quotes. But all my quotes are very snarky. Yeah. That's where Spiegelhalter's quirks of statistics comes in.

He thinks about the effect of specific activities on your longevity in terms of micro-lives. So, what Spiegelhalter has done is he's made a chart called Your Life in Minutes. And he's put the daily activities that add or subtract years

from your life into little micro bursts. So for example, drinking one alcoholic beverage increases your life by 30 minutes. Wow. But for every alcoholic drink after your first, it decreases by 15 minutes. So three drinks in your even. Exactly. Nice. Drinking two to three cups of coffee adds 30 minutes. So, three drinks in your even. Exactly. Nice.

Drinking two to three cups of coffee adds 30 minutes. But... Watching two hours of TV... No, wait, wait, where does he say drinking two... There was just a study that said drinking too much coffee can kill you. Well, he didn't put that down. Oh, so just drink a lot of coffee. Okay, great.

Just drink a lot of coffee. Just drink tons and tons of coffee. You'll be fine. Watching two hours of TV is minus 30 minutes. So if you're drinking coffee while you're watching TV, bam, you're evened it out. Right? Wow, this is easy math. I'm pretty sure this guy didn't think this through because we are scamming this system.

We are. Plus one hour for the first 20 minutes of cardio. But. And eating one portion of bread. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Plus one hour for the first 20 minutes of cardio. But? And eating one portion of bread. Whoa, plus one hour for the first 20 minutes of cardio. Okay, good. But is there like a but? Like what if you do two hours of cardio?

He has the next 40 minutes of cardio is plus 30 minutes. Wow. So if you do like a mega ton of cardio, you'll live forever. What about those people that run like marathons and just like pass out at the end? They will never die. According to this guy, they will live forever. Well, he's obviously right. Minus 30 minutes for eating one portion of red meat.

Here's the great one. Minus two hours just for being male. Yeah, that sounds about right. Plus two hours for eating five or more servings of fruits and vegetables. And minus five hours for smoking one pack of cigarettes. A day? Is that like a day

thing? Or is that just however many packs? So if you smoke like eight packs a day, you might as well just get in a grave. That probably is like a pack every pack you smoke i guarantee his oh wait his source is bmj what's that mean bio mass injections that's it biomass injections rg4 is leader of biomass injections. No, no injections, just Jexons. There's no injections, it's just Jexons.

Jexons. RG4 does not need injections. RG4 just Jex. The Jexons sounds like a really bad sci-fi series. It does. Hey, Mr. J! He's full. Don't get away from me, kid.

I'm ejection. I'm ejection. Where have we gone? I don't know. Apparently to the end of the episode. All right, everybody. We will be back tomorrow for our Imitation Tuesday show.

Until then, we will see you. And as always, to be continued. Buy me Squishables.