Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox N' Crendor Beta: Monday, February 18th 2013

Episode Date: February 18, 2013

You've heard of Guy Hero. You're witnessed the power of The Grey Storm. But now, we introduce a new hero! FLORIDA MAAAAAAN! With the power of twitter and stupidity! Jesse and Crendor follow Florida Man's wild antics from the Atlantic to the gulf of Mexico. Speaking of Mexico, Crendor finally gets Mexican coke! Also we give love advice, cause we're so good at it.

Hello everybody, it's time for Ghost on Trendog! This is Trendog in the morning. In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour recording studios. Recording! Hit me! Wake your ass up! It's the next Trendog in the morning!

Hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me! Trendog in the morning! Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy weekend. A lot. Oh, yeah. A lot? I want to know what you're about to say, because you're like, oh, yeah. And I'm like, I don't think you know what I'm talking about. What happened to you? I bought a Mexican Coke. Oh, by the way, those are the best, right?

I need to open it. Wait, you saved it for this very moment? I did, but I can't get it open. Wow, your Monday is starting off wonderful. You got a Coke. Bright and early. Good for you. Should I use...

Let's see. What's unsafe that I can use to open this? Your teeth. That'll go well. I can't go. Right to that day, it's like you at the dentist. We need just a cut, like a wipe. We need to be able to do that, like in the movies.

He's like, why are your teeth broken? And I'm like, I'm trying to open a Mexican Coke. He's like, Mexican Coke, I knew it. It's always the Mexican Coke. It's always the Mexican Coke. Yep. Trying to cross the border. Into your mouth.

The border between your lips and your mouth. What's that called? Mouthy old lip cavity. That's what I thought. Scientific term. Look it up. Look it up. All right, I'll look it up later.

Please don't. I probably won't. I'm too lazy. Good. Just perfect. No, what I was going to say while you tried to open your Coke is that over the weekend, I'm not sure if you're aware of this. Ah, shit.

Don't use a nail, kids. Why would you use a nail? Well, listen, I may be bleeding now. Oh, my God. But it's not that bad of a bleeding. Uh-huh. Well, it's worth it. It's worth it for Mexican Coke. It is.

I think we both can agree on that. I just can't touch this cut to the bottle or I'll get AIDS. Wow. Well, send your angry letters to... Wow Crendor. Oh yeah, I got a P.O. box. Send me squishables. Uh huh. Okay. I mean if you want to send a squishable with an angry letter, I don't care. I'll, like, throw the letter.

I mean, I'll read the letter and then throw it out. Also this weekend, we were informed of an amazing Twitter. I guess I knew about it before, but I just never actually looked. But for those of you who want more up-to-date Florida action, Florida Man on Twitter. Oh, yeah, I saw Man on Twitter is the best. I just want to read you some of the headlines from the last 24 hours. Seven hours ago, Florida Man too fat for jail. Nine hours ago, Florida Man accused a beating girlfriend with her own dog.

Florida. Hold on. A dude beat his girlfriend with her own dog? How's that even possible? Holy crap. Look at this guy. Oh, my God. Oh, if there's anyone who's going to beat anyone with a dog, it'd be this guy. He looks like the bad guy from Robocop.

I like how his ponytail's just like over his shoulder. I wouldn't expect it any other way. He's so balding up front, he just combs it back into a ponytail. I imagine those front hairs are what make up the ponytail. Look at his eyes. Oh, my God. It's like he's just like, he's about to go to sleep all the time. Oh, dear.

Okay. A Sanford, Florida man was booked into this Seminole County jail on charges of domestic battery by strangulation, criminal mischief, and animal cruelty after he was accused of attacking his girlfriend with her own dog 40 year old Michael Jones was arrested last Thursday after his live-in girlfriend accused him of violently attacking her according to the Sanford police in the midst of the argument Jones grabbed his girlfriend's dog and used the canine as a weapon Jones is also accused of trying to strangle the woman what kind of dog did does she have oh my god? Jones tried to be the scene on bicycle Jones tried to believe the scene on a bicycle with the battered dog in tow was the dog Like I imagine his dogs like running down after him as he's trying to take away

The clue below dog and it's just like biting down after him as he's trying to bike away. He's like, leave me alone, dog. And it's just like biting on his butt as he's going down. Yep, yep, yep, yep. It's like there's music playing too. It's like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Oh my God.

Or he tried to take the dog. I don't know. Maybe he tried to take the dog with him. Like, this is my new weapon. I'm going to beat people's dogs. That's what he sounds like. I don't know.

That's an interesting story. I feel like this should be a TV show. Like, Florida Man. Right? So it's like, in this episode of Florida Man, Florida Man, too fat for jail. Florida Man. It's like him breaking through the jail. And then Grey Storm's just like, I mean, you should probably go on a diet, but like, you know.

I could stop you, but you'll probably stop yourself. Yeah, I mean, why is it even worth moving anyway? It's just like, I'm going to use up my energy. Might as well just save it. With an attitude like that, I feel like there's gonna be a very special episode where the Grey Storm becomes Florida Man too fat for jail. And then he just stops

talking and uses, like, signs and writes on them. He does it. Best thing he can do is just grunt. It's like Tim Allen. See, and then the next episode's like, Florida Man accused of beating girlfriend with her own dog. It's like Tim Allen. See, then the next episode's like, Florida man accused of beating girlfriend with her own dog. It's just Florida man with his cape and cow, wielding a dog, just smacking women. Florida man.

The next episode, he calls 911 and requests the female deputy for sexual favors because Florida man's lonely. It's making sense. If you do it episodically, it makes sense. Who would see this guy and be like, oh, I want him as a boyfriend. He's Florida man. He's making sense. If you do it episodically, it makes sense. Who would see this guy and be like, oh, I want him as a boyfriend? He's Florida Man. He's a superhero. He's the Superman of Florida. He's Florida Man.

You make a valid point. Can I get a bottle of... Hold on! You do have a PO Box now. Someone can send it to you. But, hold on. Florida Man has topped himself. Florida Man, the man accused of stealing and snorting human and dog ashes. That's how he gets his superpowers.

Florida Man. Trying to cash Forge's check is confronted by police. Attempts to escape through a locked door. Florida Man. Coming this summer. Florida Man. Florida man. Coming this summer. Florida man. Florida man blames DUI on pet squirrel he keeps in his shirt.

Oh my god, that's a sidekick. Florida man's sidekick is Squirrely. Squirrely the squirrel. He has a little cape and cowl on. And his symbol is a nut. It's an acorn. He has the power of giving rabies.

And starring for the winter, Florida Man and Squirrely. I think we've come up with NBC's new hit sitcom. It's better than Whitney. Oh, my God. No. Florida man needs to stop beating people with with animals florida man assaults quadriplegic with a fish how is that a real thing that is sick i mean it's florida man florida man hits boyfriend. Apparently, he's moved on to boyfriends now.

This is later in the season. He's experimenting. Florida Man hits boyfriend with plate for listening to too much Alanis Morissette. Makes sense. She's got one hand in her pocket, and the other one's trying to block a plate That her boyfriend's hitting her with I mean it makes a lot of sense I'm not gonna lie

Here's the last episode though Florida man hit on Coca-Cola delivery man While masturbating at 7-Eleven This is the single best Twitter ever. The fact that these link directly to the articles, these are amazing. That may be the greatest thing ever created by mankind. Oh, my God. No, this might be the last episode.

Florida man accused of waving Klingon sword at Fort Lauderdale intersection. Can you imagine him? He's just standing. I can picture that. Holy crap. I picture him making noises too, like, ya, ya, ya. No, dude, he's totally speaking Klingon.

He's like, ka-pla, get, pla, get, pla. He's like swinging. He needs a mask, like a wrestler mask. I want to know what this character looks like now, because apparently he has a cape, a wrestler's mask. He wields a Klingon sword. He also wields animals. So he has a bag filled with animals that he has.

It's like Santa Claus. Yes, except it's filled with animals, not presents. Yeah. And then sometimes what he does is he straps the animals to the Klingon sword and swings them with the sword. But only sometimes. It's on special occasions. I mean, you know, it takes time.

Like when he's beating quadriplegics. Oh, God. Oh god Florida man punches Domino's delivery boy Forgotten garlic knots I mean he forgot the garlic knots Can I open this Mexican coke You can try I like how we started this episode with

A lot of talk about a Florida man And then you're still trying to open a Coke 15 minutes later. It won't open. The Mexicans know how to bottle these caps. If anything, it's more sanitary than an American Coke. That's true. And it says,

Also, it's glass. Envase Exclusivo Para Refresco 2002. It's exclusive. It's exclusive refreshment 2002. Is this from 2002? I don't know. Maybe it's like a fine wine. Yeah, just let it age.

Yeah, okay, hold on. I gotta open this. Okay. I'm gonna use a bottle opener. All right, then. I'll be right here. A grand old time is what it will be. He'll open his drink for you and me.

And now he is back. And when we hit refreshment will be at his fingertips. Alright, I got it now. That was my song for you. Oh man. Drink it. Drink it. Taste it. Tell everyone. I want you to sip it. And I want you to tell everyone

how good it is compared to regular Coke. Oh wow. Oh, wow. Right? Oh, wow. Right? Mmm. Mmm. It doesn't have that weird Coke aftertaste.

I hate Coke. It doesn't. I hate Coke for that reason. I'm telling you, the Mexicans know their food. I'm not even going to joke. It's that Latin heat, man. Yeah, that aftertaste. It's not there. Listen, everyone. There's no aftertaste.

It's not. It's because America is poisoning you. America corporations are poisoning you. In Mexico, they, look, the water poisons you there, so everything else has to be good. Yeah, exactly. It makes sense. Take that Montezuma. Take that Montezuma and

shove it. Somewhere the spirit of Montezuma's like, Oh... No one likes my water. Or my video games. Yep. Alright, well, that brings us to Chapter 5, The Seven of the Sky with Quinto. Quinto, how's that traffic out there? Today's traffic's pretty crazy. There's a man and he's running of the sky with Crandor. Crandor, how's that traffic out there? Today's traffic is pretty crazy.

There's a man and he's running down the street with a fish. He just ran across traffic. It's kind of holding up traffic. Now a guy's getting out of his car and he's got his own fish and they're getting into a fish battle. Oh, man, who's going to win? One guy's a swordfish. The other guy just has a catfish.

And it looks like he has been punctured by the swordfish. And that's a GG KO. Back to you. Thanks, Grendor. That sounds pretty exciting out there today. So watch for that on the side of the road and all those licky-loos. Now let's go to the weather desk with Grendor. How's that weather?

We're going to go to Mexico. Oh, in honor of Coke. Good. Is there a place in Mexico that has the word cola or Coke in it? I think you got it wrong. We're going to Mexico, Missouri. You son of a... Wait, there's not a place named Mexico, Missouri. There is. There's actually many places named Mexico.

A few weeks ago, I got an email from a fan who was like, Hey, guys, I've been listening to your podcast recently, and every time you talk about some place in America, every time you name a city, it's always the name of a city or a place that already exists. Americans are really lazy at naming cities. And I wanted to respond with,

well actually it's because our country's like one of the newer countries, and so because we're a melting pot of people from all over the world, everyone brings their own cultures here, and so we name stuff after what reminds us of our home countries, right? Like, you figure that's why. No, no, he's right. We are lazy as shit.

When you're naming it Mexico, Missouri, you have just stopped trying. Well, there's also Mexico, Pennsylvania, New York. There's not a Mexico, New York. There is. And Indiana. And M-E. I forget what M-E is. That is the one we just...

Look, M-E, you don't exist. And Mexico, New York. Let's just go to Mexico, New York. No, what? Look, it really doesn't matter, does it? 13 degrees Fahrenheit. Feels like negative three, though, with that wind chill. It, my visibility. 30.1 pressure, 64% humidity. Let's take a look at some tweets.

AmGilb, he says retweet seer problems. Yeah, know what? Syracuse hasn't had snow in a while. Mother nature hashtag Syracuse problems. What? Yeah, yeah, good use of a tweet. Great use of a tweet. Thanks, Amgilb. Michael Lerner says, just found out projections of 40 degrees for next weekend, and I actually

yelled, oh yeah, I've been in Ithaca too long. Hashtag perspective. I know that. I know that feeling. Living in Buffalo, man, I feel yous. I know. Yeah. I feel that way here, too. Oh, that's right. You're still way up north. I am. It's a shy city.

You're by the water. Yeah, I don't mess with that. All right. And finally, we got Jalen Arndt retweeting Lifebucket. Before I die, I would like to dance in the rain with someone I love. Thanks, Life Bucket. Can it be a dog? Does it have to be a person? I mean, it could be.

It could be a bottle of Mexican Coke. What if it's myself? Can I dance in the rain with myself? Dancing with myself. That's just how we should end the show. We should just stop right here. You know what? We're done.

The show is done. All right. We need to do our big... No, wait. We have to do sports still. Oh, yeah. Sports. Teammate blast Steelers Lamar Woodley. What?

Why? What? Quote, he's awful, the teammate said. He tells us he works out, but we didn't see it. He wasn't in shape. That has to be a reason why he was always hurt. Wow. Steelers, coming apart at the seams.

When Ben's not around with rape charges. Damn it, Ben. You're a quarterback. You should be out there sexually harassing women. What's the matter with you? God. Jesse Cox, 2013. It's funny because he's a horrible person.

He's a good sports star, so we let him slide. Can I just point that out? That's something that is wrong with our society. Sports stars can be horrible, horrible people. I'm not saying that the Super Bowl idolized the man who murdered people, but it did. I mean, he used deer antler spray, okay? He murdered people. The man murdered people, and then when they asked him, like, did you have anything to do with those murders? And he's like, look, God doesn't punish those

who are his servants. What does that even mean? Just yes or no, sir. Yes or no. He's a very scary person. Look, Ray, we just want a yes or no. He's like, I'm just going to take some more deer antler spray. Oh, yeah, that's the stuff. Kobe, I mean, everyone.

LeBron, they're all horrible human beings. I don't know if it comes to the fact that in order to be a professional player, you have to have have a massive ego. You know who's not? Who? Greg Jennings. Yeah, but he's getting progressively worse. That's true.

He has starred in many Old Spice commercials now. That's gotten to him. Greg Jennings, his ego is growing. So just saying. Just saying. And it's probably because of us. I am worried about RG4. I'm really worried about Jacoby Jones. We might have ruined his ego.

Oh, that's right. RG4 is a robot, though, so he has no ego. He doesn't understand human emotions. RG3 is still alive. Well, yeah, but... He just broke his leg and they repaired it. Yeah, but we've moved on from RG3. Yeah, but RG3's sad because he's going to come back next year and we're not going to care about him.

Next year? I don't care about him now. Whoa. Whoa. RG4 agrees. Old model is outdated. Upgrade your software. That's right. Thank you. Thank you, RG4. RG3 will go eat ice cream and cry. Our G3 will go eat ice cream and cry.

All right, now let's move on to our big story of the day. Stuck in the friend zone. We're on it. This is useful for a lot of people on the internet. So number one is prevention is key. The second you figure out that you like a guy, ask him to hang in a way that's more dainty. Oh, these are for the ladies. Oh, all right. Well, this is okay.

We did cover friend zone before, but that was like guys. Well, here's the thing. We'll rehash it real quick. If you're a guy and you're in the friend zone with a girl, before you get in there, if you don't want to be in the friend zone, like if you're cool being a friend with a girl, then you're cool with it. But if you're one of those guys who's like, I'm going to develop feelings for her, immediately when that happens, you have to tell her. If you don't, you'll hate yourself forever. And if she's like, no, I don't like you, you just walk away, dude.

You stand up, you hold your head high, and you say, all right, that's cool, and you walk away. Yeah. Now for the ladies. Okay. As men, we can verify if these are correct. Go. Prevention is key.

The second you figure out that you like a guy, ask him to hang in a way that's more date-y than what you'd typically do with a friend. Think dinner at a cool restaurant versus going to a game together. Shy people tend to slowly get to know the other person, even if the attraction is instant. But this is exactly how people get stuck in the friend zone. That's true. It works for guys as well. If you're shy, that's why you have to just say, you know what? I know I'm shy, but if I likes you, I have to do this. You have to man the balls up. You got to do it. And you have to accept rejection. Rejection is part of life. Everyone gets rejected. Everyone. There isn't one person, even if it's like the super most gorgerous guy. The hottest guy in the world at some point has been rejected, most likely by Taylor Swift.

The hottest guy in the world at some point has been rejected, most likely by Taylor Swift. But it's true. So don't, especially ladies, even super attractive women get rejected too. You're just preaching to everyone today. It's life, man. I see life through an unfiltered lens. Just go talk to people and stuff. What would your advice be for a young lady who is shy and she wants to talk to you? She needs to take a sip of Coke before, like, hold on.

I need to drink my Coke before I dispense this knowledge. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. What I would do is I would stand up. I would walk over to the other human being. Mm-hmm. And I would tell them, greetings.

I really enjoy the way your body appears perceptually to me. And I would like to get to know the personality within that body that I believe to be there.

And if you would grant me the opportunity to allow this to happen, I'd be quite grateful. So basically, you're telling people to go up to another person and go like, I want to get inside your body. I want to get inside your personality. Look, look, I just want to get inside your body. I've been watching you for a while, and I just really want to get inside you. I've been watching you from the corner. I really want to get

inside your body. I don't know if you should listen to our advice. Alright, next. Next on our list. Play hard to get. Don't be too available to him with your time or your emotions. Give a guy the option of dating you or don't spend too much one-on-one time with him at all. We tend to assume that if we hang around a guy enough, he'll realize that he's actually in love with us. That's true.

I can attest to that. That also works for guys, especially for guys. Guys think that if they are seen with a girl or they hang out with a girl a lot, that somehow she'll fall in love with them. No, you'll be the emotional support while she goes off to find some dude to like stick it to her. She'll be like

such a nice guy. I can't wait till I find someone like you. Oh yes. Don't do it. Yup. Get physical. Start small. Put your hand on his back. Rest your head on his shoulder. Give him a kiss on the cheek to say hello or goodbye.

If he returns the gesture or puts his arm around you, you're getting somewhere. That's a good tip. That's a really good tip. I know for a fact that a lot of guys, especially, because I think what's happening here is, like, if a guy isn't directly hitting on a girl and a girl isn't directly hitting on a guy, but they both have that, like, feeling, right? It's usually because the guy isn't sure. if the guy doesn't have like harassment yeah if the guy like puts a hand on you or a lot of guys especially in today's society are really wary about

touching women or getting too flirtatious because they don't want to have their ass thrown in jail so if you got to give him a little peck on the cheek, or you have to put your hand like on his knee or shoulder or back, by all means do it. And then, then it'll click with him, and then you're on romance street. Boom. You're good. Boom. Advice is flowing today. It is.

Get more guy friends. If you're busy with other pals he might be eager to get time with you. It might take losing you a little bit for him to realize he wants out of the friend zone. Also, it might make a guy who is really shy just shrink away and never talk to you again. Yeah. So good luck with that, if that's your strategy. I feel like most guys will get super jealous, write an emo poem on Tumblr, and then just never talk to you again. So, yeah.

Most likely. I don't know if that's the best strategy. I think that is a woman's advice for women that don't know what shy guys are like. So, if you have a guy who's not actively trying to get you and you love him and you want to get with him, the previous advice is a lot better

than find other guys because he'll just give up. Shy guy will be like the low self-esteem person. Yeah. He'll just be like, oh, she doesn't like me. That's great. Right?

You don't want that. So if you like this guy, you need to go after him. Mm-hmm. And finally, ask for it. Ask him to do little favors for you, like walking your dog when you're out of town and return them. Doing boyfriend-girlfriend things for each other will make him feel more protective and

affectionate towards you. That's also super friend zoney. So basically, yeah, she's saying, don't be in the friend zone with this guy, but make him in your friend zone. That makes no sense. Like, that's one of the things, if I had to tell a guy who was like, I like this girl, but we're

kind of friends, if I had to tell him what to do, I would say, don't do it. If she asks you, don't do it. Look, I'm gonna give you the lowdown, guys. I'm gonna give you the story. Shit's getting on the lowdown. Two things you need to do. One, if she asks you something, you have two replies.

One, I can't. I'm sorry. I have plans. I really want to, and it breaks my heart that I can't help you, but I'm sorry. Right? Two, you pull the, well, I have stuff to do, but you know what? Like, if it's something really important to her, be like, look, I can do this for you. Right?

So you make it seem like you're sacrificing something for her. Ladies, this works too. And so you're giving something else up for this person, but you switch those off from time to time. But based on certain things. So if she's like, you walk my dog, you're like, no, I can't. But if she's like, my parents are coming to town, my car's broke down, I need help.

I'm at work right now, but I'll be there as soon as I can. I promise I'll help you out. Makes them feel special. Boom, yeah. But if it's something simple, don't do it. She can find someone else to help. Don't be there all the time. Be the white knight.

Don't be the squire. Boom. Jesse Cox, 2013. That's a tombstone quote right there. That's going all the time. Be the white knight. Don't be the squire. Boom! Jesse Cox, 2014. That's a tombstone quote right there. That's going on the top. That's going on top in a scroll. In a scroll with little cherub babies on it. Like, woohoo!

That's how that works. Be a white knight, not a squire. Damn! That might go on a shirt by the end of the week. I'm just saying. I felt really good about that. That would be a pretty good shirt. God, where'd that come from?

That was a gift from heaven. That's what that was. From my mouth to your ears. Yeah. Thank you. thank you. Yeah. Thank you. It's just the Dr. Oz show. Thank you, thank you.

Doesn't look like that, does. Thank you. I would have accepted that more if it was the booing and just had the one guy who was really excited. All the clapping I think is overkill. I just need that one guy. I did that for that one guy who's like, that makes so much sense, Jesse. You've done it. Everyone else is like, boo!

And there's the one like, yeah! You are so smart! At the end, man, he's the one guy who's like, I'm with you. He's like, you're my dog. That dude's my dog. You got to protect your dog from Florida man. You might use him to beat up people. And that's the show. Thank you, everybody.

We will be back tomorrow for Impersonation Tuesday. Wow. And until then, that's it. To be continued. That's it. We're done.