Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox N' Crendor Beta: Thursday, December 20th

Episode Date: December 20, 2012

Today on the show, Jesse and Crendor discover the Mayan Robots one weakness - breast fondling. Also, do you know what a "fupa" is? We don't either, but we talk about it. And lots of rapping. LOTS OF IT.

Hello everybody, it's time for Ghost on Trendog! This is Trendog in the morning. In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour recording studio. Recording! Wake your ass up! It's the next Trendog in the morning!

Hello everybody, it's Thursday. This is the next friend of the morning. Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy that we're going to create a series of informative rap videos that tell you to do the right thing. They do. They'll teach you about crossing the street. They'll teach you about helping the elderly and respecting your elders. Eating fruits and vegetables? Yes. You got to have so many a day. I don't know how many you're supposed to have a day.

You got to have eight fruits a day and vegetables. Well, that's the way, because you gotta eat six of those things. And then you help your grandpa cross the street. Yeah, help your grandpa cross the street, yo. You gotta help your grandpa cross the street, yo. That's a wrap. And then we'll get little kids in the background and be like, Hey!

Ho! Like that. And then the one guy's just like, Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh. And the video will be us in the studio,

and the dude mixing will be losing his mind. Like, this is the best thing I've ever heard. And I gotta have one earphone off my ever heard and i gotta have one one earphone off my ear so i can like hear the beat well but still hear like the other things happening around me and i'm just like oh and i'm like bobbing my head just like oh this beat yeah the whole video will be about being healthy and helping your grandpa and i'll be i'll be that dude in the corner smoking pot like just listening like yeah yeah. Yeah, that's good. That's good. People, like, run over to you and start hitting you with, like, cucumbers.

What? And then the grandpa runs over and starts hitting you with, like, a carrot. By the end of the video, I've changed my ways. Yeah. You just have to be abusive with vegetables, and that's how you solve all of life's problems. All problems. That's the name of our album, by the way. Abusive with Vegetables.

That's how we start our podcasts. Hi, it's Jesse. I don't know about Chris Hardwick. Yeah, Chris Hardwick. How he starts his. Have you ever rapped about beating a man to death with a cucumber? No. No, you haven't.

Hi, it's Jesse. That's Crendor. Go to iTunes and give us five stars. You should. We like to beg for things. Because begging is what we do. We like to beg. Uh.

We like to beg. Uh. We like to beg because we got one leg. That don't make sense? How about our knees? We are very, very eager to please. See? Rappers is what we are.

I gathered all my rapping abilities from Saints Row. Saints Row. Oh, sad news. The company that makes Saints Row went bankrupt today. Our favorite video game ever. Here's hoping they still make a Saints Row 4, but they may not make Saints Row 4. Which is very depressing.

It's a sad, dark day. Truly, the end of the world is coming. That's true. Today's the last day. No, tomorrow. That's right. We really don't know what time tomorrow the world ends. Yeah, it's one of the midnights.

Yeah. One of the midnights is all over. Yeah. And of course. Robot minds rise. Of course, I would see an article like this right before the world ends. Of course,

they'd save this for the last day before the world ends. Are you ready for this? Yes. Scientists say squeezing breasts could prevent cancer. Getting to second base. The Holy grail for hormonal boys and two podcast hosts is now science. New research has shown that squeezing breasts could prevent malignant breast cells from causing cancer. Whoa.

This doesn't give pervy dudes license to grope in the subway, ladies, but it does mean boob grabbing should be a regular part of your self care routine says Dr. Anderson you had to listen to yesterday to get that so go back and listen to that one too it says you can try to do it yourself

style but nothing's quite as good as having someone else do it they may hit spaces you would have missed experts found that physical pressure as good as having someone else do it, they may hit spaces you would have missed. Hmm. Experts found that physical pressure led cells back to normal growth patterns and that even after compression was no longer applied, the malignant

cells stopped growing. So spread the word, squeezing boobs could help save the world. So it's like squeezing them is anti-cancer. Yes. That's what it is. I think what it's saying is letting us, Crandor and I, go around and squeeze your boobs. That is something that should happen. That may be one of the greatest scientific studies.

Ever. For years I've questioned science. And now I see it all led to this one moment. On the final day, it's regained interest. Notice what this says. Hold on. Hold on. It says, spread the word,

squeezing boobs could save the world. Release the day before the world ends? Are they trying to tell us that the only way to stop the Mayan robots is to squeeze boobs? That sounds like what I'm getting from this. Oh my god. We have got to squeeze as many breasts as we can

between now and tomorrow. The only way to save the world, if the world doesn't end tomorrow, it's because we managed to squeeze enough breasts. Crandor. That's true. We have a mission. A mission from God.

And let's say this article that I found on MSN. We have got to do this. The MSN butterfly. Oh my god, it is a butterfly! It's all coming together.

Whoa. For people who don't know, I'm a big follower of the Great Space Butterfly. Dreamer of reality. And it's all coming together. All coming together. coming together this is like we've constructed a well-built mayan pyramid except instead of destroying the world we're

gonna save it it's like reverse psychology on the world on the world i'm gonna end no you aren't yes i am no you aren't yes i am yes you are No, you aren't. Yes, I am. Yes, you are. Okay, I won't do it. Mother Nature's going to not even know what happened. She'll be like, who's been squeezing so many breasts? And when we stand proudly and say we have, she'll know she was defeated. Yes. And then Father Nature will be like, why are you touching Mother Nature's breasts? Look, science said we could. Science said we could. Science said we could.

Science said we could. Well, science. That's how I want to open this today. I don't know about you. Do you have any better way to open today? I mean, rapping about vegetables and saving the world with boobs, squeezings. It is a pretty great way to open the last show before the world ends. It is.

I'm just saying. We can also talk about snow. It's very fluffy. Although there's many types of snow. That's true. Like fluffy snow, and then like hard snow, and then like compacting snow. It depends on where you live. Oh, there's also snow who sings the song Informer.

Informer, you know, I let you boom boom down. Remember that guy? No, I am not 50 years old. I'll never forget as Long As I Live, that song Informer came out, and no one knew What he was talking about, but everyone loved that song Yet, his career died Very quickly

I think he might have sang One song in the second Ninja Turtles movie Maybe But, after that he sort of vanished. Here's the best part. Senior year of high school, I was going through this girl's CD collection, and I found her Snow CD, and I was like, oh my god.

Can I borrow this? I want to listen to Snow. I haven't heard him in forever. And she's like, sure, okay. Just remember to give it back to me. Ten years later, I still have the CD. So I sent her a message, and she's like, I thought you just kept to give it back to me. Ten years later, I still have the CD. And so I sent her a message. She's like, I thought you just kept it and stole it from me.

I was like, technically I did. But really, I just lost it because it was so awful. I listened to it once and, like, threw it in a pile. And it just sort of got shuffled with all my stuff. And I was like, I promise I'll get it back to you. Never have. Somewhere in this apartment right now i have the informer cd so really you just borrowed it for a really long time you're still gonna give it back

yes yes well the world's gonna end so no but i will gladly in her in her honor i will gladly rub the breasts of many women listening to informer that'd be the single That would be the single Creepiest experience Like alright ladies Let's do this Snap on gloves Like Informer You know so I'm just like

Rubbing boobs Is it working? Do you feel cancer free now? Cause I'm feeling something I don't know what It's like the miracle healings On TV It's like the miracle healings on TV. It's like, you are healed.

Holy crap. That's what's going to happen when the world gets saved. You're going to start up a miracle healing televangelist show. Look, I'm just saying if the world doesn't end tomorrow, I may have caused a miracle. Through sheer boob touching. Mm-hmm. I'm just saying. All right, all right, enough of that.

Let's get on to the traffic. With chapter copter seven in the sky, Krendor, Krendor. How's that traffic looking out there on the last day before the end? The world's gonna end! Is that it? I brought in the replacement guy for the final day because I didn't really want to work. And apparently, he may have died. Well, the helicopter was still going, so that's good.

I mean, he probably had a stroke. And we were hearing the remnants of the helicopter's last breaths. Oh, so the helicopter guy is also the helicopter. That's awkward. It's like Thomas the Train. He's like Inspector Gadget when his little head propeller flies him around. No wonder it sounds like fapping, because technically it's like brain fapping. Another quote for the tombstone.

Technically, it's like brain fapping. That's what I'll tell women when they're like, why are you trying to touch my boobs? Technically, it's like brain fapping, dear. Don't even worry about it. Makes no sense. None. None. None.

All right, now let's go over to Krendor at the weather desk. Krendor, how's that weather? Well, today I feel like we need to go to where the Mayans were. Mexico City weather. 55 degrees with haze. Why is it hazy, you ask? The impending doom. The world's coming in.

Yeah. It's just a sign. There's five-mile visibility, 88% humidity in Mexico City, and the 52-degree dew point is just going to keep going up until we hit 100, and that's when the robots have perfect weather. And they rain down upon us. Makes sense. Yep.

Any tweets from Mexico? Mexico has, they don't see any tweets. I mean, they are probably already being taken over by the robots. I would assume that's the first place they would go. I mean, it's their ancestral home. Yeah, it makes sense. It all makes sense. The Twitter blackout clearly isn't because you're lazy and can't find tweets,

but because robot Mayans riding asteroids have returned. Exactly. Of course, of course. You realize that's been an ongoing joke this entire week? It has. It's really not gotten old for me. I'm sure there's someone out there who's like, I'm done with this podcast. They raise the same joke over and over again.

You know what? Screw you. It's still funny. Yeah, screw you. Pull your pants up. Pull your pants up. Eat some carrots. Go to school and brush your teeth and do your homework.

That's a rap I just wrote. That is our second big hit. Do your homework. A list of things you should do. Yo, algebra, it's going to make you smart. History, it's going to make you smart. All algebra, it's gonna make you smart. History, it's gonna make you smart. All the school is gonna make you smart.

And that is what is gonna get you money. That would actually connect with the kids. It's like, I got chains around my neck, diamonds on my wrist, everywhere I go, I show them my fist of money, right? Well, well, ours is like, I went to school. I went to school.

And now I run a Fortune 500 company, fool. That's our rap. We're very good at this. Like I said, it's our Saints Row training. Yep. We've mastered a lot. That's why, THQ, you need to not go bankrupt. You need to give us this game.

We will sell you 500,000 copies of that game. We will sell so many copies. Do you need that? We'll sell those for you. Do you need voice actors? We'll do all the voices for free. All for free. All for free.

We can't guarantee quality. They may all sound the exact same, but damn it, we will do it. We will do it with the best of our ability, which is not very well, but it will get done. We need all of you out there to contact the Saints Row people, the guys who make it. And be like, Cox and Crandor, they will sell it. They will. After they grab all your boobs. All of them.

All right, and now over to the sports desk. How is sports looking this fine Thursday? Oh, I almost fell asleep there because that weather segment took about 10 minutes. Sorry, other Crandor. Yeah, thanks. Well, tonight Carmelo Anthony returned and scored 31. He's kind of good. Paul Pierce broke out with 40 points and six trays.

As we learned before, trays means three-pointers. Wow. Also, Mark Sanchez will be traded likely in the offseason at sports. All right. Now let's go to Crandor at the news desk. Whatever. Hold on. I'm typing on my typewriter.

All right, Crandor. How are we looking for the big news story of the day? We got a couple options here. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I don't like when we have options. But. This usually ends very badly.

I feel like. Okay. All right. Read me the options. We'll go from there. What are our options? We have potentially habitable planet detected around nearby star. I saw that.

I saw that on Reddit today, and they were saying it's like Earth 2, so what should we name it? And the number one option was Earth 2 Electric Boogaloo. I was like, done. Our search is over. Well, what else is search is over. Well. What else is there? I found it. We have the most U.S. states unprepared report, best and worst states for disaster readiness,

which is the states that are most ready for a storm or bomb or plague. So pretty much for tomorrow. Oh. Oh, this is good then. Yeah. Because I figure the Mayans will only go state by state. And the states that are ready, they'll just clearly skip over. They're going to be like, did you vote for Romney?

The robot Mayans are all Mormon. Who knew? It all makes sense Mormon. Who knew? It all makes sense now. Who knew? All right, let's hear it. Who will be prepared tomorrow? I assume the rest of the world is doomed, which is why this is only focusing on the 50 states. Well, New York rooters, if you're someone who worries about how first responders and hospitals in your town would perform after a hurricane like Sandy, a Joplin tornado, an anthrax mailing, an outbreak of bird flu, or other health threat, a new study has some pointers.

Stay away from Kansas and Montana. People are doing that anyway, but okay. It's going to be like, do I really want to go Kansas? Don't go to places you wouldn't have gone anyway. Thank you, scientists. I won't. You might want to consider moving to Maryland, Mississippi, North Carolina, Vermont, or Wisconsin. Huh.

That's because the cheese, all the poison goes into the cheese. It's true. And it makes it into delicious blue cheese. The cows also absorb the poison. And it makes it into delicious blue cheese. The cows also absorb the poison. Two non-profit groups released Ready or Not, a 79-page analysis of public health preparedness. That is the ability of hospitals, health departments, and others to prevent and respond to emergencies ranging from bioterrorism to influenza outbreaks to catastrophic weather.

Oh my god. Oh my robots. It's a grim reckoning. Oh my god. By robots. By Mayan robots. It makes sense. Labs can work overtime to identify a mystery disease. By Mayan robots. Yep. They're going to release the Mayan smallpox in revenge. It makes sense. This year, 35 states met fewer than 7 of the 10 benchmarks. Only 5 met 8 of 10.

In 2010, a contrast. More states made the grade. 17 met at least 9 benchmarks and 25 met 7 or 8. No state met fewer than 5. Here's the thing. Doesn't an article like this only serve as like a manual to terrorists? Like, you want to know where to attack? These people are the ones who aren't ready for it.

Yeah. Right? It does. You would think that something like this would be kept private. But okay, whatever. Welcome to the media. You would think that something like this would be kept private. But okay, whatever. Welcome to the media. Somewhere there's a terrorist who's like, perfect.

Now I know that Montana and Kansas are the worst. That was my terrorist accent. I don't know what guy that was. It was very movie quality, though. Call me Hollywood. In the new report, Maryland, Mississippi, North Carolina, Vermont, and Wisconsin scored highest, meeting 8 out of the 10 prepared benchmarks. Kansas, Montana brought up the rear, meeting 3. Wait, so no one got 10 out of 10?

What are those two that no one can do? I don't know. Laser defense grid. Like, what are they missing? What is the 9th and 10th? Those seem very important. Yeah, but the defense robots would betray us when the mind robots came. Oh, yeah, that's true.

So I'd rather, okay, so that's one of them. But still, it has to be like that laser defense grid in the first Resident Evil movie that cut that dude into little tiny pieces. That's my hope, at least. Or we need some form of anti-robot weapon. Like Mila Jovovich. Alabama, Arkansas, California, Delaware, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New Mexico, New York, North Dakota, and Virginia met seven of the ten. Nice. Very nice.

We have not paid sufficient attention to the everyday threats, such as influenza and food poisoning and extreme weather, said Dr. Jeffrey Levi, president of the Trust for America's Health, which produced the report with the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. There's reason for that, say, experts on preparedness. After the September 11th attacks and the anthrax mailings of 2001, public health preparedness became synonymous with being ready for bioterrorism. Starting in 2002, states began receiving upwards of $1 billion a year from the federal government, $13.6 billion so far,

to prevent and respond to public health emergencies. But it was all about anthrax and other bioterrorism instead of other things that might come over the transom, such as bird flu. Mine robots. Said health policy analyst Art Kellerman of RAND, Transom. Mine robots. Mine robots. Said health policy analyst Art Kellerman of RAND, a Santa Monica, California-based think tank who was not involved in the report. Because the federal money came with the tight restrictions, a state health employee working on, say, early detection systems for a bioterror attack was prohibited from working on anything else.

You had a shifting of attention and resource away from preparing for all the hazards to biodefense only, Kellerman said. It was like we built a biodefense skyscraper at the same time that we took the concrete out of the foundation. That's just stupid. And that's that. All right, is there anything else? Any other articles you have?

Because you said you had a plethora of articles. Oh, it's just got a Cosmo again. What? Leave any other articles you have considered a plethora of articles. Oh Go Cosmo again So you have a fupa what the hell does that mean? Why would you have an article you don't even know what it means I don know. It's on the front page. So you have a fupa. What is a fupa? I need to know this now. You can't just rattle off a stupid article you found and then not tell me

what it is. Well, I don't even know what it is. Can we massage it? Even though, it's something that usually you, wait, even though it's something that usually only you notice loads of women obsess over their fupa. What is a fupa?

Fat upper pubic area. Oh, so like a muffin top? I don't know, I guess. Is that a muffin top or is that like a gut that hangs over? Interesting. Interesting. If you want to make yours smaller, here are some exercise tips from this person. Uh-huh.

Ladies, pay attention. You don't need big pupas. Here are some exercise tips from this person. Uh-huh. Ladies, pay attention. You don't need big fupas. Say, um. Um, what does that do? Stress is a big fupa trigger. When you're anxious, fat... Stress is a big fupa trigger. I imagine there's some woman who's like,

oh, so stressed, so stressed. Fupa. Oh, the fupa just keeps popping out now. That's the fupa sound effect. Fupa. When you're anxious, fat collects in your midsection to deliver nutrients to your vital organs more easily. Take up yoga or meditation or spend time doing whatever helps you relax. Your V-Zone will thank you.

Your V-Zone. Holy shit. Your V-Zone will thank you. Your V-Zone! Holy shit! Your V-Zone. Your V-Zone! Your V-Zone! Oh, are all articles for women this amazing? Like, I like how they just can't come out and say what they're talking about, so they have to come up with great names like,

The V-Zone. You're just going to go up to all the women in your life now and just be like, how's the V-Zone doing? How's that V-Zone doing? Oh, my God. The V-Zone. That is going to be hashtagged immediately. Hashtag V-Zone.

Hashtag V-Zone. Hashtag V-Zone. Go ham on it. Go ham on that V-Zone, fellas. Number two, lose fat by eating fat. Omega-3 fatty acids found in foods like fish, walnuts, flax seeds, and chia seeds have been proven to reduce stress hormone levels in your system, so add it to your diet to deflate a pubic pooch. A pooch. I hate journalistic writing.

That is amazing. So we have a fupa, the V-zone, and a pubic pooch. Mm-hmm. Nice. Number three is score some C. Research shows that food rich in vitamin C brings elevated stress hormones back to normal faster. Have two servings a day of things like bell peppers, oranges, or strawberries. Nice, nice.

No funny terminology for vagina on there? No. We'll call it the strawberry sack. You can. That's what I'm going to do. How's that strawberry sack going? Another quote for the tombstone. Throw it on.

Throw it on the rest of them. I still picture that guy. He's just got to do that. I pay him. I pay him for my large fortune. I assume because I have calendars with quotes on them. Quote a day calendars. That needs to be a thing as well. The Jesse Cox quote a day calendar. People are like, what does this quote have to do with anything?

It'll happen if we don't die to the mind robots. We need to make that a thing. We need to make that a thing. We need to make that a thing. We do. Number four is get yourself to the Greek. A cup of Greek yogurt packs a triple fupa whammy. Does it? Not only have studies found that calcium helps your body break down fat,

but the amino acid arginine in yogurt promotes fat loss and improves muscle tone. Wow, that's a thing. Yeah. That's pretty wonderful. Five is heat things up. Grab some cayenne and start sprinkling. The hot chili contains capsaicin. Capsin?

Capsaicin. Which hinders fat storage and revs up your metabolism. Yeah, girl. Let me see that capsaicin. Give me some of that capsaicin. Give me some of that capsaicin, girl. That's what we'll be like after we become rap stars. Number six is be spicy, though. Wait, wasn't that just heat?

Well, yeah. But. Okay, yeah. But number six is also heat. But this says cinnamon. Oh, so like spice. Okay. So you're, so.

Ladies, do the cinnamon challenge. That'll fix it. Cinnamon regulates blood. Did you rewind? I did. Good. Cinnamon regulates blood sugar and reduces puffiness. Do you rewind? I did. Cinnamon regulates blood sugar and reduces puffiness. Your fupa gets flatter and leaner.

Jesus. Are we done with this? No, we have a few more. What? Start feeling blue. Research suggests that blueberries... Blueberries, great. Okay, next. Ditch these fupa frenemies.

Unless they have funny names, I don't want to hear it. What about ditch these fupa frenemies? Fupa frenemies is pretty great. But I need other names for the fupa. Okay, number nine is pour the pinot. So that's drink wine. Okay, okay. Number nine's pour the pin-pin-o. So that's drink wine. Okay, great. Wait, it says we can't believe we're saying this,

but put down that Cosmo sugar-remixed drinks trigger inflammation. A fupa no-no. On the upside, red wine contains resveratrol, which decreases estrogen, a tummy fat cause, so order a glass of Malbec instead. There's two more. Damn it! Remix your workout.

If you're trying to torch your fupa up for half an hour of high interval training at least three times a week. I'm sorry, what? If you're trying to do what to your fupa? Torch it. Torch it up! You gotta torch your fupa. You gotta torch that fupa, man. I feel like I'm in the exercise clique now. Have you torched your fupa. You gotta torch that fupa, man. I feel like I'm in the exercise click now. Have you torched your fupa today?

Oh, man, I've been torching up my bones. I've been torching up my muscles. I'm torched up. I feel like I'm with the in crowd now. I can go to the gym tomorrow and be a part of something big. It shows a girl jogging on the treadmill in this one. She's burning up that fupa. She's torched it.

She has torched that thing. Number 11 is get a leg up. So do some floor crunches. How come almost all of these sound like euphemisms for sex yet none of them are? What is Cosmo? None of them.

Cosmo is a giant, like, tease. You assume every article is about getting some, but no, they throw stuff in, but then make it seem like you're about to get some from it. Yeah, like what your hair says about you. And it's always like your hair says you're feisty. You're like a Hello Kitty from the gates of hell hell looking to ride a giant man steed. Anyway, try the chairlift. It might help your fupa. And the final one is just breathe.

Breathing incorrectly can exacerbate a fupa. Who knew? Make sure your belly button is always pulled in towards your spine Even when you're exhaling Otherwise the constant pushing movement can puff out your upper V-zone Oh shut up Remember to make sure to breathe correctly If you're alive you're doing it right Make sure to breathe correctly

Go F yourself Alright that's it for the show guys We will be back tomorrow Pending any world dooms. We might even be recording while it's happening. And if we somehow manage to save it, it's because we rubbed enough breasts. I feel like we should have breasts in studio tomorrow. Because we're in a studio.

Yes. We're definitely not in apartments. Oh. Yeah. That's we're definitely not in apartments. Oh. Yeah. That's that. All right, guys. We'll see you tomorrow.

Thank you for listening. And as always. Ding. To be continued.