Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox N' Crendor Beta: Thursday, February 14th 2013

Episode Date: February 14, 2013

Happy Valentines Day! In honor of the special day, they start the podcast off by talking about Doritos.... don't ask. Then Jesse tries to see if Crendor and you the listener can tell the "differences" between RPGs and Florida. Then we wrap up with stories of people complaining about Valentines Day - because no one every seems to have a good one.

Hello everybody, it's time for Ghost on Trending! This is Trending in the morning. In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour recording studios. Recording! Hit me! Wake your ass up! It's the next Trending in the morning!

Hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me! Trending in the morning! It's the next friend of the morning! Hello everybody, welcome to the Wednesday show! You got a little confused there. Well, it's both. It's both, is what it is. It is both. Look, look, look. I have a lot of work to do. And this podcast, unless someone wants to pay us, we're doing it on the freezies.

So you got to deal with it sometimes when we don't do it every day. But if you really want us to do it every day. Get someone to pay us. I think that's going to work. I think we would be willing to take your money is what we're saying. Red Baron, I will take your money and your pizzas that are very good. And Squishables. Squishables Corporation, if you want to get with us. Squishables? Squishables Corporation?

If you want to get with us? Squishables, purple Doritos, or just Doritos in general. I like the purple one. Speaking of Doritos, I know which kind you're talking about. Those are the ones that are like the sweet and spicy kind, right? As you eat them right now. Good work, buddy.

Aren't they good? Those are a little too sweet for me. They're good, but it tastes like they're coated in sugar And I can't handle those However, because I'm so close to the Mexican border When you come out here next time We need to go to like a 7-Eleven or something And just buy one of each of the millions Of types of Doritos

That you've never seen before There are Doritos here That have like, there are 12 different kinds That are each of the different hot sauces on the Doritos. There's Doritos that are like special combinations of flavors I've never seen before. And the best part is, is the Dorito packaging. It's like Tapitos, Doritos, Chimichangas. I'm like, what is this? And so I was like, I'll try this one.

And I'll try this one. And they're all really good. Really good. I really want those Mexican Doritos now. I'm telling you, it's delicious. They have so many different kinds. So that's Doritos. Doritos, we'll take your sponsorship. We will. And I'll do it. I'll do it, I'll do it. I was at Whole Foods the other day, and I was checking out a guy that was bagging my groceries. I was checking out some guy, yeah. So the guy who was bagging my groceries, he was, like, on a rant about something, and the checkout girl was laughing.

And I was, like, listening, and he was like, and that's when I was like, man, I'm just so broke from working at PetSmart PetSmart and he was just like that's why I just kept eating dog biscuits and I was like did I just hear him say he ate dog biscuits and then she was laughing he's like but I mean they're like they they're filling and like they don't make you sick or anything. And, like, I was, yeah, man, I was living on no money. Here's the sad thing. I might have explained this before, but once again, putting my dad on hot street. That man, my father, has been known to eat dog biscuits. And here's the thing.

Knowing that that sounded crazy, I thought to myself, I have to try dog biscuit. So I've eaten a dog biscuit as well. I'm gonna let you know, they aren't really disgusting, they just don't taste like anything. I guess they assume dogs don't have taste buds? Because even the ones that are labeled like, delicious peanut butter flavor, tastes like nothing. It has zero taste to it.

Maybe. The dogs have superior taste buds and are able to taste what we cannot. I would assume so, but I just think that they lie to us because they don't expect humans to eat it. And they're like, hey, your stupid dog will taste peanut butter. That's true. I mean, that is, I've actually had a dog biscuit. I learned it from my father.

Dad, I learned it from you. And so, best drug commercial ever, by the way. If you ever see that commercial where the kid's like, where'd you, the dad's like, where'd you learn to smoke this pot? And he's like, I learned it from you. That's, same thing with dog biscuits. So, yeah, they have no taste. So, if you want to try one, go ahead.

It isn't going to kill you. It's literally just, I guess guess carbs and protein i don't even know what's in dog biscuits but it's that actually i know people that that i i knew this guy in college that ate canned cat food because he was he was on he was in track and he said it was more nutrient rich than legit people food oh so he So he ate that fancy feast crap that they give the cats, right? He ate that. And he's like, look, it tastes just like every other canned food in the world, except it's like nutrient rich.

I was like, that is creepy. Now I'm wondering if maybe he was onto something. He could have become a super famous track star. I don't know. He could have. He's probably running marathons right now. Probably. He probably ran across the country Forrest Gump style,

driven insane by all the fancy PC8. I just realized I missed the Tombstone quote where he said, if you want to try dog biscuits, just go for it or whatever. Hey, you know what? That's not necessarily a Tombstone quote as it is just a life quote. Yeah. Just do it. Just do it.

That's what Nike was talking about. Just do it. Yeah. Yeah. Speaking of drugged out people. Yes. I was at the donut shop the other day buying donuts. This lady in front of me, I'm pretty sure she was, like, drugged out on all the drugs.

She's just standing there. On all the drugs. She's talking on the phone, taking up like the doorway. And she's just like, uh-huh. Yeah, it's okay. And then when she went to order, she's like, now you sell the pastries. Pastries are okay. I had one and it was just really dry.

It was bad. I don't want that one. I want a donut. That's how she talked. I was like, this woman is scaring me. Well, it is a donut shop. When did you go there? What time?

I went there at, like, one in the afternoon. Okay, so that's different. Way back last year, last June, July, whenever our dear friends Trish and Sarah were out here for VidCon, I don't know what time it was. We were over at a friend's house partying. And on the way back,'re like hey let's get Some donuts At this donut place So we pull into the

It's like right up the street but there's also like a 7-11 right next to it So they went in to go get drinks or whatever it is That women do in 7-11's I don't even know And I went over to the donut shop As I turn the corner to go To the donut shop Inside there's no one in there except for one woman. And the woman looks at me and gives me this wink.

And mind you, she's mildly attractive. She's not ugly. Right? And she gives me this wink. And then I look at her and I just sort of nod, just politely. Like, hey, how's it going? And she stands up and looks like she's about to approach me. And then I walk to the counter and talk to the person.

I see her still standing there, like, looking at me. And then I get the donuts and I say hi and walk by her and leave. And then I see her just sit back down. And it hit me. I wonder if she was a prostitute and thought that I was trying to, like, pick her up. And, like, she picks up dudes in the donut shop. I've always wondered that because it doesn't make sense that she would stand up like like she would acknowledge my presence as i'm walking in

look at me be like hi stand up like i'm supposed to go talk to her don't talk maybe she's a drug dealer that's possibly that's possibly too it is la're right. She could just be from L.A. and crazy. But at the time, I was like, I don't know what is happening here. That's just the thing she does. She goes to the donut shop. She's like, time to say hi to people today. But I was at the time, I was like, I wonder if she was a prostitute. Because it was really weird.

What was she wearing? Was she wearing just like a hoodie? Was she wearing drug dealer clothes? No she was just wearing A normal outfit a woman would wear At 1am on a Saturday night So she wasn't wearing Like a hoodie

No she wasn't wearing I'm a drug dealer outfit Nor was she wearing I'm a dirty whore outfit She was just wearing like normal clothes Which is why it was so confusing to me like look i need i need specific signals wear your costume if you're gonna be a thing i remember when i first moved here there was uh a woman who was covered in bubble wrap like she was a bubble wrap woman she's walking down the street you know what you're getting out of that i'm just saying i'm just saying. I remember there was the one guy The one guy took his shoes off

put them by the street. Then he walked away and then he ran back and grabbed them like someone was going to steal them. Yes. Right? There's crazy people. I live near Venice Beach for those wondering. Venice Beach is very near Santa Monica which is basically the homeless capital

of California. Santa Monica, which is basically the homeless capital of California. And Santa Monica is filled with crazy people. They should just rename it Hoboville. It is. There's actually a really funny episode of South Park where they get all of the homeless people in Colorado to go to Santa Monica. People always ask me why I love L.A. It has the highest per capita rate of crazy people in the entire world. So in the smallest space, it has the most crazy people.

I love that. I like being able to see crazy people every day because they're all wonderful. It's like watching TV but without turning on the TV. You can just look out your window and see something funny happening. Speaking of crazy people, we got sent an amazing, amazing quiz that I wanted to give you. Okay. It is, I guess it's from a magazine. I don't know which magazine it is, but I guess it's a gaming magazine.

And it's, is this an RPG or Florida quiz? So it's going to give you a headline, and you have to determine if that's from an RPG, a role-playing game. For those, role-playing games encompass a lot of things, but in this case, they're talking about video role-playing games. Is it one of those? Is it the plot of that? Or is it a Florida headline?

This is exciting. This was sent by Caden. And so I have the answers, and I want to test your knowledge. Thank you, Caden. Thank you. Are you ready for this? I'm ready.

Number one, fans can do this at home as well. Number one, RPG. No, you can't. You can't do this at home. You can't. You can't. Don't even try. You'll fail.

Nerds. Says us. All right. Number one rpg or florida man steals sweet roll hides it in pants is that from an rpg or is that from florida it has to be florida the answer florida of course no video game we cut dead although although i will say it's possible uh the video game would be cut dead. Although, although I will say it's possible the video game Skyrim could fulfill that now. Oh, that's true. This seems like it might be an old, because it has the game Chrono Trigger as its, like, cover. So this could be old. I feel like Skyrim was inspired by Florida.

So Elder Scrolls fans, your game is very similar to Florida. All right. Number two. Man and dog find bronze gorilla statue in the woods. Florida or RPG? I bet that's RPG. Florida! Damn.

I want to know the story behind that. A man and his dog find bronze gorilla statue in the woods? It's just like walking through the woods, just like, wait, hold on. Is that a gorilla statue? Like, dude, that's made of bronze. Knowing

Florida, that guy tried to melt it down and sell it for crack. You know what? I done find a gorilla statue out in the woods. Now I can melt it down and make my teeth with it. And he did. He did.

And that's the end of that story. Okay. Number three. Man and his dog uncover abandoned laboratory. That's an RPG. Of course that's an RPG. Yeah. There's no, like, people in Florida that are, like, man and dog both walking around together that are smart enough.

Well, yeah, no, I mean, the fact that laboratory, even an abandoned one, doesn't exist in Florida. They don't. Science doesn't exist there. Yeah. Science. Science. Okay, number four. Arbiter, Florida.

Teacher attacked by airborne fish. You know what? That's Florida. Yes, that is Florida. Had to be Florida. Of course. Number five. Love triangle between two sisters and adopted brother leaves one dead.

I'm going to go with RPG. Yes, that is in fact an RPG, although I don't know what RPG that is. It seems weird where there are two sisters and an adopted brother and they're just all banging, I guess. I don't know. Sounds like a game. All right.

RPG or Florida. A woman refuses to leave launch pad, delays space shuttle launch. That sounds like someone's crazy enough to do that in Florida. Someone say Florida. No, it's an RPG. Damn. Apparently Florida has its rocket launches down. That's one thing they're good at.

It's launching rockets. And keeping crazy people off the launch pad. Yes. Number seven. Alleged stabber claims he was possessed by cat spirit. I want to say RPG, but then I'm like, who would make a game where that happened? Then I think of Florida. And then I'm like, it has to be Florida because I could imagine that happening.

Is that your final answer, Florida? Yes. No, it's an RPG. Damn it. Again, that sounds like something, Florida? Yes. No, it's an RPG. Damn it. Again, that sounds like something I should know about. That sounds like a game we should know about. All right, number eight. Woman attacks lover after disappointing sexual performance.

That was Florida. Of course it is. In a video game, you always Excellently in the sex department Even if your guy's like I'm nerdy nerdington He's still got like a 10 foot wang That's how video games work They know their audience

They aren't stupid Alright number 9 Late night television blamed for increase in teen murders Hmm RPG Ah that is in fact an RPG. Mm-hmm. I don't know what late night television is in that RPG.

It's probably the infomercials. I assume they're talking about Carson Daly if that was real life. I know I want to murder people after I watch his show. I know on Discovery Channel, they have that guy that heals people, and he's like, you'll be healed! And they're like, oh, thank you, Jesus.

And apparently he got caught 10 years ago for fraud and everything, and he went to jail or something. And now he's back doing it, yet people still go to him. Of course. Of course. He's probably in Florida. Of course he is. All right, number 10. Woman driving vehicle 100 miles per hour claims when pulled over,

divine forces made her do it. I think that's RPG. No. It was Florida. Only in Florida could someone claim divine forces made them do anything. It's true. They did go to that guy's thing. All right, well, we're getting towards the end here.

I am a reincarnated space traveler, says a robot enthusiast. Florida or RPG? RG4 wannabe. Florida. No, that's an RPG. Damn it. I wanted it to be Florida. I like how Florida and RPGs are very similar.

Apparently, role-playing games are just like living in Florida. They are. Maybe we should go to Florida, and then we'll be like learning a game. We should do a live week of podcasts from Florida. Or give us green screen. Yeah, one of the two. All right. The next one.

Adult woman adopted by wealthy boyfriend. I would say RPG. No, Florida. That's a real thing. I would say RPG. No, Florida. That's a real thing. Apparently, when you date a woman, making her your kid makes it sexier.

I guess. In Florida, it does. Large beehive, thousands of bees, residential area. That has to be Florida. Of course it is. I imagine it's one of the retirement communities like, oh no! The beasts are everywhere, Harold! I told them the beasts

were gonna come one day and here they are! You thought I was crazy? They're at the Semitic Beasts! They're only attacking the Jews! Okay, number 14. Someone just make, like, a 10-second animation of that, please. Just the bees attacking old people. Number 14, this one I know the answer to immediately.

Man offers to shoot children out of cannon. I'm not too sure about that. You have to assume it's both, right? You do. Because I know for a fact the game Secret of Mana way back when, when I was like 11 had that. Where that's how you travel, the dude shot you out of a cannon. But with that said

you have to assume in Florida a man is offered to shoot children out of a cannon. It's like some guy spent his life savings on like a cannon from a circus. He's just like, Bill and Bob, you getting that cannon? You get extra supper tonight. He's just like, Jay Wellikers. Sure thing, Paul.

I jump in a gun. Now, I'm going to blast you off, boy. I'm going to shoot you in that there swamp. You're going to find me some of them bow constrictors, you hear me? Okay, boy. I'm going to shoot you in that there swamp. You're going to find me some of them bow constrictors, you hear me? Okay, pal. I'll take that knife in your mouth, like, and you go get me some of them smokes.

And find me that bronze gorilla statue I heard about. We can sell that on the pawn stars. Alright. Number 15. Sexual assault at wrestling tournament under investigation. Florida.

No. It's an RPG. What? What? What RPG is that? That has to be Florida too. That has to be Florida 2. That has to be a both. You know there's lots of sexual assault going on at Florida wrestling tournaments.

I'm sorry. I like the way you mount that other boy. And? And, like, there's naked people that jump off roofs. That's what I'm saying. Like, half of these, I feel like this is so old that at this point every one of these has happened in both things. Yeah, that's obviously the case. I feel like that's the case. All right.

Number 16, father assaults son's romantic rival. RPG. Florida. What? I figure that's happened in RPGs too. See? See? Again, that's a both thing.

All right. Number 17, The final one. Man uses samurai sword mop as weapons during altercation. That's Florida. It is in fact both. It's the first both one they have. So,

you can imagine a man wielding a samurai sword and holding a mop assaulting the shit out of people. It's like, hey, you. You want me to cut you up or you want me to mop your face? He'll do both. He'll do both.

All right, now it's time to go to chapter chapter seven of the sky with Grendor. Grendor, how's that traffic out there? Traffic today is crazy. I'm going to talk into this cup because I like talking into cups. It makes me sound like I'm doing my job, but I'm not. I'm just sitting here on the ground Thanks guy Crandor hires every once in a while Alright now let's go to Crandor at the weather desk. How's that weather? I think we're gonna take a trip down to

Bowlesburg, Pennsylvania Why do you find places no one lives? I type in three letters and see what comes up. That's what I do. There's people that look, there's somebody in Bowlesburg right now. It's just like, they picked me for the weather today. And then you're like, what do you find these shitty places? He's just like, oh, it's 27 degrees Fahrenheit, 3 mile per hour, west-southwest winds, 96% humidity, 26 degree dew point, 29.78 inches of pressure, and a zero low on the UV index. It's always good. Here's a question I have. We've been doing this for a while, and you've been saying pressure readings for a while.

The highest we've gotten was like 30-something. What happens if you get over 50 pressure? Do your faces melt in? What happens? What about if you get one? What if you have one? Do you expand to the point of infinity? What happens?

Why is it always around 20-something or 30-something? It is. People, figure that out. What is going on here? See, that's the real thing that we need to be focusing on. It's true. That should be an investigative report. This Friday, an investigative report.

By the fans. Why pressure? Do your own investigation. Look, you do the research, and we'll talk about it or something. We take the credit. We might not talk about it. We'll take all the credit. Yes.

There are tweets from here. There's Rish Like Fish. the credit we might not we might not talk about it we'll take all the credit yes uh there's there are tweets from here there's rish like fish he says thanks at jwork14 for teaching me how to walk in the snow hashtag penguin walker no more what yes all right i guess that's a skill i guess he didn't know how to walk in the snow even Even if you were from, like, Puerto Rico and you'd never seen snow before, I imagine you would figure it out in, like, a day. I would imagine. Just like, oh, no, how do I walk on snow? Right?

And then you put one foot in front of the other, and suddenly you're walking on snow. And Shadowstorm9119 said, wow, just two real tweets today. That's a record low. So I made a third one to comment on it. Good job, Shadowstorm. And the other one is Daya Dancer, soon as the ground clears, there is more snow on it.

Very profound. These are some great tweets. That's a summary of life. As soon as the ground clears, there's more summary of life. As soon as the ground clears, there's more snow on it. As soon as the ground clears, you'll see another layer below it. And that's when you know

life continues to put layers. When you think you've cleared the top layer, it's like an iceberg. Or an onion. One of the two. Or a cake. Life is like a onion one of the two or a cake life is like a cake

it is not like a cake because a cake is rich in sugars but sugars the sugars of life are friends and family and when you're rich in those you taste delicious I guess is what I'm saying I want to eat you

listener I want to eat you I am very hungry for sweets listener Jesse Cox 2013 That's what I'm saying. I want to eat you. I'm saying, listener, I want to eat you. I am very hungry for sweets, listener. Jesse Cox, 2013. Keep listening. All right, and now to sports. What's going on in sports? Sports pitcher C.C. Sabathia of the Yankees confessed that he has a cereal eating problem again.

So he just likes to eat cereal? Whoa, God, that sounds horrible for you. He says, no cap and crunch, he told reporters. Same thing I did last offseason, just worked out and watched the diet. I worked out every day, just made sure I watched what I ate. The 6'7", 290-pound Sabathia has struggled to rid himself of that evil Captain Crunch. Around this time two years ago, Sabathia admitted that he used to eat the sugary breakfast cereal by the box. That's 15 times the recommended serving size, and it amounts to an extra 2,000 calories. Damn.

Here's the thing, though. Of all the cereals he could pick, he picked the one. I bet his gums were cut up. Probably. Captain Crunch, like, ruins your mouth. Of all the cereals he could pick, he picked the one, I bet his gums were cut up. Captain Crunch, like, ruins your mouth. That is the hardest cereal in the world. It doesn't even get soggy in milk. You still bite into it.

It's like, well, I just cut the roof of my mouth again. Great. And apparently when he got rid of the Captain Crunch from his diet, he dropped 25 pounds. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Captain Crunch. Captain Crunch. Captain Crunch. He packs on that weight. The reason why, though, is because the long sea voyages.

The sea voyages are always the worst. That's what the captain told me, at least. Right? Before he went out on another sea voyage. Yeah, to Florida, and he never returned. That's because he's there looking for the bronze monkey statue. He is.

I'm telling you, boys! The bronze monkey statue... That's Captain Crunch, by the way. The bronze monkey statue is here! I don't know, Captain. Shut up, you! He's lost it, man. He's lost it.

Game over, man! I assume aliens are after Captain Crunch now. Obviously. Obviously. They protect the bronze monkey statue. They do. The aliens. Okay.

And now for a big news story of the day. Well, it's Valentine's Day. So I figured why not read this article saying my most memorable Valentine's Day. Okay. First one, their expensive evening left a bad taste in her mouth. Boyfriend and I made reservations months in advance to spend Valentine's Day in a famous restaurant. Since it was special, we decided to splurge on the tasting menu. It was filled with bizarre stuff like cow intestines and raw fish. Naturally, we had to wash our food down

with a bottle of wine. Afterward, we went back to his place. He had just started kissing me, and all of a sudden I felt sick. Then he felt sick. We both ended up in his tiny bathroom, taking turns vomiting up our $150 dinners. Well, lesson learned then.

Plus, you got a funny story to share with each other for the rest of your lives. Like, that's a cute story. So shut up, you whiner. Look, you can even get to share it with the internet. It was so horrible, but now I have a great story. Shut up. Seriously. Number two, his bold move at the mall really paid off. My best Valentine's

Day was the one where I met my husband. I was working part-time at the mall and was out on my lunch break wandering around. I wasn't looking to meet someone. He found me. He asked me out and I turned him down. But can you blame me? I had no idea who he was, just some total stranger. Then I agreed to meet him what the following week at a restaurant there in the mall during my dinner break. Nearly 30 years and three kids later, we're still together. But she turned him down. Was he just persistent? He was like, no.

No, you listen here. You'll go out with me next week on your break. Okay, I guess I will. I don't know. That's probably what happened. When the right flowers sent the wrong message. Without a doubt, my worst Valentine's Day was the one where I found out my husband was having an affair. He sent us both flowers for the occasion and then told me so afterwards.

Divorced shortly afterwards. Okay. Oh. Sure is funny. From enraged to engaged. After dating for a year and a half my boyfriend teased me all holiday season long that I was gonna be receiving a big rock for Christmas. Imagine my disappointment when I didn't get an engagement ring from him that year. So when Valentine's Day came around, I genuinely wasn't expecting anything. That day, I went to work as usual, and once again, I was

disappointed when no flowers arrived. He didn't call me. Blah, blah, blah. Nope, I was so annoyed when he told me stuff. The restaurant was fabulous, and then he proposed. I was hoping he gave her a big rock. Yeah, wait, so what did he give her for Christmas, then? I'm gonna give you a big rock. Yeah, wait. So what did he give her for Christmas then? I'm going to give you a big rock for Christmas.

What did she get? Like a rock and roll CD or some type of stone? Like what did she get for Christmas? Or was he just a dick? Like, yeah, I'm going to get you a big rock, and then she got flowers. I was hoping it would be like a rock in a box. Yeah, right? Like it was a rock.

Like, I'm going to get you a car, and then it's like a little matchbox car or something, right? I don't know. Actually, a really funny story, and one day we need to actually have him on to tell these stories. A good friend of mine, Gerard, his dad is the funny...

If there wasn't already a Twitter account that's like, shit my dad says, his dad would be that Twitter. Like, his dad for years, he's like, dad, can I get an Xbox for Christmas? And his dad was like, oh, yes, sure, Gerard. I get you Xbox. I get you Xbox. I get you the best thing.

And so then when he opened his present the first year, it was shoes. And his dad, like, laughed at him. And so the next year for his birthday he's like dad can i please have an xbox and it's that's like yes oh yes i'll get you xbox the opposite it's the exact same pair of shoes and then so that next christmas he's like he's like dad look i know you're not gonna get me and he's like why you say that to the heart why you say no no of course he's like here here take you know open say? No, no, of course. He's like, here, here, take, you know, open this, it's your present.

And of course, it's a pair of shoes. So finally, his next year, the birthday rolls around. He's like, look, I don't want anything from your dad.

I just don't want anything. His dad's like, oh, Gerard. And so he finally, you know, his birthday comes around, there's a box there and he opens it

and it's an Xbox, like, I guess a normal one. Yeah. It's, you know, the first Xbox. And he opens it and he's like, oh my God, Dad, thank you so much. He gives him a hug and everything. He opens the box, and inside the box are shoes.

I was like, oh, my God. Your father's the best. He has about a million and a half stories of his dad. It is the best. That man needs his own TV show. That is genius. He is a total dick. He's amazing.

He's amazing. So, yes, that's, like, if I, that's, I feel like, yeah, lady, I'm going to get you a nice rock. I'm going to get you a big old diamond ring, and it's just, like, one of those lollipop rings. A lollipop? Oh, yeah. Blow pops. No, not blow pops. Ring pops.

Ring pops. Yeah. I like how we couldn't figure out the name of a ring pop. It's like a ring blow. It's like a ring popsicle thing Yeah, we need ring pops. I haven't seen those I feel like people choked and died on them, and that's fine They don't sell them anymore. Are they on Amazon? I'm gonna find out because if so I want you to say like we should make a video where we all have like a million Ring pops on like what up haters we got that YouTube money now cuz if so I want like a bunch

of ring pops original ring pop assorted flavors and individually wrapped oh my god 24 pieces display unit you could put that in your house here's the thing though you can get 24 ring pops for $9. I don't know if that's a deal or not. I can't get that out. They had push pops, too. Oh, my God. My childhood.

Blow pops. 100 blow pops for $16. Again, I don't know if that's good or not. I don't know if these are good things, but. Probably not. Remember Warheads? Oh, I do. Oh, youthful candy.

Youthful candy. Are there any more of these amazing stories? Oh yeah, there's Have a Not-So-Happy Birthday. My birthday's on February 14th, and if you're single on that day, trust me, it means having both a bad Valentine's Day and a bad birthday. Wow, your life is horrible. What about the people who were born near Christmas? They get one gift. They get screwed.

Seriously. What if you were Jesus? Then you get no gifts and then killed. Jesse Cox, 2013. What if you were Jesus? How two best friends led to double the heartbreak. In college, my roommate Laura and I dated two men who were best friends. I'll call them Nick and Rick.

The night before Valentine's Day, Rick broke up with me. I thought that was the worst move ever, until the next day when Nick broke up with Laura 15 minutes before they were supposed to go out. It was horrible, but in true college student style, Laura and I drowned our sorrows in pizza and beer. Look, Laura, if you need a new... Let's call ourselves Dick and Penis.

If you need a Dick and Penis, give us a call. So many quotes today. Look, I gotta make up for it. I'm just saying. Small gestures can have the biggest impact on someone. I'm not overly romantic, so my best V-Day was when my boyfriend at the time surprised me with a gift of sea monkeys

and tickets to see the Harlem Globetrotters. I'm not even going to lie. That may be the guy who won Valentine's Day. Maybe. That guy won the game who won Valentine's Day. Maybe. That guy won. He won the game. He has officially. That's my.

That's going to be my move now. From now on, I want to be like, look, I love you, girl. So I bought you a ticket. It's tickets to the Harlem Globetrotters and sea monkeys. Sea monkeys. Are they like. They're not even like. Sea monkeys aren't even a thing.

They're always in that little packet and you put it in water. They're like even, like, sea monkeys aren't even a thing. They're always in that little packet, and you put it in water. They're like little... People, what are sea monkeys? They're not a thing. Sea monkeys aren't even... They're not monkeys, I can tell you that. I just want to know what they are. They aren't little people, like, on the packaging.

Like, little happy people. We're having a sea monkey party! Oh, wait, sea monkeys is a brand name for brine shrimp Yeah, okay, so they are shrimp But they're little tiny shrimp Well, they don't look like shrimp Yeah, they don't look like shrimp They look like monkeys

They don't look like monkeys either But that one guy did win All of Valentine's Day He did I'm sorry, there's nothing you, guy out there, can possibly do for your girlfriend that can beat that. Yeah.

I bet he got super laid that night. She's like, Oh! Harlem Globetrotters! It's like at the end of every commercial for a jewelry company or jewelry store, you know the implied sexual implications of those commercials because it's like

there's one that's out now where they're in a kissing booth. He's like, make sure you look at the camera. And then he pulls out the diamond. She's like, oh! And then she's like, now make sure. And then they kiss. She's like, better say cheese or the hell she says. And they kiss. And like the camera thing comes down

and then it shows like the camera's still going off in there and i'm like the implied implication is they are banging in that booth i don't think i need to be the person to say it but every jewelry store commercial has the implied implication that buying jewelry gets you laid what if you're allergic to jewelry well then you are never having sex again. After you're 40, really, jewelry is the only way you're getting any. Yeah. So you might as well just accept it. There's the quote of the day. That tombstone's filling up, man.

I could literally die a happy person now knowing that I've left so much to the world. And there's this set guy who has to put all the quotes on. I imagine he looks like Wilford Brimley. He does. He's like, my diabetes is acting up, and I'm over here hammering on this damn tombstone, chiseling away. He's got, like, an insulin pen. In fact, I just say we reanimate Wilford Brimley. We should.

I don't think he's dead, though. Maybe he is. I don't know. Wilford Brimley, if you're alive, I'm offering to pay you to create my tombstone. If you're dead, well, we don't need your permission. We'll just reanimate you and get you to work. Hello, everyone. My name's Wilford Brimley.

I am Tom Beatus. Today, I'm going to be working on Jesse Cox's tombstone. You may be saying, who the hell is Jesse Cox? I don't even know. I'm going to be working on Jesse Cox's tombstone. You may be saying, who the hell is Jesse Cox? I don't even know. He's going to be working on his tombstone today. Wolfer Brimley. Out.

Wolfer Brimley. Out. All right, everybody. That's it. We will be back tomorrow for our Friday show. Thank you for listening and as always,

to be continued.