Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox N' Crendor Beta: Wednesday, December 12th

Episode Date: December 12, 2012

12/12/12 It's an important date. That's why we won't discuss it. Also we learn just enough about Crendor's past to understand his inability to pronounce simple words. Oh, and did someone say "science rules"?! Well...besides Bill Nye...

Hello everybody, it's time for Ghost on Trend Dog! This is Trend Dog in the morning. In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour recording studios! Recorded! Wake your ass up! It's the next Trend Dog in the morning!

Hello there everybody, it's Wednesday. Wednesday. Hump Day. It's the Cocks of Crendor in the morning! Cocks of Crendor in the morning! Hello there everybody, it's Wednesday. Hump Day. Welcome back to Cocks of Crendor in the morning. I'm Jesse, that is Crendor. I think it should be called, uh, Scarce Day. That's Tuesday, the day of twos is Scarce Day. Oh, that's Tuesday. The day of twos is Scarce Day. Oh, that's true. Apparently, in Australia, they sometimes say Scarce. Sometimes. Yeah.

Not all the time, but sometimes. They say it. They mock each other when they do, but yes, they say it. So a lot has happened over the last 24 hours. I'm not sure if you're all aware of this out there, but last night some craziness went down. It's a battle between an evil corporation and a semi-famous celebrity butting heads over money and wrong treatment. You all, of course, know what I'm talking about.

Storage Wars, David Hester versus A&E. All, of course, know what I'm talking about. Storage Wars, David Hester versus A&E. Storage Wars, my absolute maybe favorite show on TV right now. I can't even explain to you why. I just love it. Apparently, David Hester, a.k.a. the bad guy, quit, or I guess he got fired. I don't know what happened.

But basically, here's the deal. He says, and it throws everything out of whack. Everything I guess he got fired. I don't know what happened. But basically, here's the deal. He says, and it throws everything out of whack. Everything I believe is ruined now. I don't. I'm in a bad place, Crando. I'm in a bad place. So check this out. Oh, you're in Albuquerque.

Albuquerque's not bad. The one time I've been to Albuquerque, I had the best Mexican food I've ever had in my life. Albuquerque, thumbs up from Jesse. But TV's lied to me. It's like TV isn't real now, man. I mean... It's crazy. I felt it wasn't real anyway. Like, you kind of...

After you become, like, a YouTube person and you get into, like, all the editing and all the, like, everything that goes into it, you look at TV shows and you're like, yeah, that's probably edited. Oh, they could have did that and, like, put that there, cut some of that out, do a little bit of spicing up there. Well, according to David Hester, who is the yup guy on Storage Wars, he says, and I quote, The producers have added BMW minis, newspapers chronicling Elvis Presley's death, and all sorts of other things into lockers to make the show have more drama and be like, you know, they actually find stuff inside of the lockers. Yeah. He seeks $750,000 for a wrongful termination because he says he brought this to their attention and all they did was not put stuff in his locker, but instead put more stuff in everyone else's locker. And if you've watched the last couple of seasons,

he does, in fact, get screwed more than everyone else. And he's not in some episodes and all sorts of things. He also goes on to say, the entire series is rigged. Nearly every aspect of the series is fake. And then he says, even down to the plastic surgery that one of the female cast members,

there's only one, underwent for more sex appeal. Hester claims that the producer stopped adding items to his unit after his initial complaints, but continued the practice for the other serious participants. Everything, I believe, is ruined. I love you, Storge Wars, and you broke my heart. Still doesn't surprise me.

Not at all. This really is a non-story. I'm convinced going into episodes of say Survivor or any reality show, you know the formula. There's always gonna be a villain and there's always gonna be

like a good guy you want people to root for and there's gonna be a bunch of other characters and each fulfills a stereotype. And if you don't fulfill that just by being yourself, they will edit the show to make you that person. The thing with reality shows is, like, if you watch one, it just feels like they set up so many things. Well, they do.

I mean, the fact that when you watch a show, it's them doing something live, right? But then they cut to them talking about what they're doing live. I've always wondered, do they do that afterwards and then frame the question so that they say, like, oh my god, I don't even know what I'm doing right now. And then just edit that in? Because it doesn't make any sense. It's a whole process I don't understand. Like Pawn Stars, for example.

It's not like Storage Wars because you don't find stuff but it's more like the people bring in the items like you can can't you just give someone a cool item and have them bring it in yes pretty much like I don't care like you still learn something like oh cool that was a revolutionary sword like you learn something

but it's like it's set up still there's a show on sci-fi now that's pretty much Pawn Stars but like crazy weird stuff so it's like, it's set up still. There's a show on Syfy now that's pretty much Pawn Stars, but like crazy weird stuff, so it's not nearly as good, but it's sort of strange stuff people bring in to sell, and the guys there, I think in one of the episodes

that I saw a commercial for, a guy brought in Jack the Ripper's knife, and I was like, pause. One, that can't be real, and two, uh, who would pawn off jack the ripper's knife i use this to kill people oh and it's possessed by the ghost of jack the ripper it's really freaking me out so i figured i'd sell it i mean it's gotta be worth something right right we'll give you six dollars sold you know? I got a friend that specializes specifically in Jack the Ripper knives.

I can call him in and have him take a look at this. None of it was set up, of course. Everyone has a friend. Yeah, I got a friend who knows all about this. And the guy just walks in and is just like, oh, yeah, this is a Jack the Ripper knife from 1922. This was actually owned by Jack the Ripper's great uncle, who then passed it down through the family, and then Jack the Ripper's son took this knife

and put it in a museum, in which he then later broke into the museum to take it and murder someone with. I'm not sure that's historically accurate, but... I was just rolling with it. It makes sense, yeah, yeah. Roll with it. Well, Speaking of rolling

We're gonna roll along To another story That's a fun story But this next one Dude Blew my mind Are you ready for this? Okay

Science I know I give you a hard time Pretty much all the time But you are the best thing ever Girl with cancer Cured by HIV virus Whoa Whoa A seven-old makes extraordinary recovery after u.s doctors rewire her immune system to destroy leukemia with hiv

that that's pretty crazy apparently they took hiv cells and whatever the hell it means that they, it says to do this, they gutted the HIV virus and made a new cell called the lentivirus, which would carry special receptors to the T cells that would then fix her other cells that were infected by the cancer. And so she has no risk of actual HIV infection. They just use the cells. Like, that is super science. That's like some future stuff right there We are so close to the future Oh we're right there We are so close to being awesome Keep it up science

Whenever people are like Keep looking at that computer screen You're gonna go blind I'm like listen When I'm old And if I go blind There'll be ways to make me see again I want super

I want robot eyes. I want Geordi LaForge eyes is what I want. I want Geordi LaForge eyes, Jack's arms, Million Dollar Man legs, Six Million Dollar Man legs. Just make me a robot. I want predator missiles. Actually, I want a predator mouth. That would be better.

We'd have the best podcast ever. You'd be like, hey, Jesse. I'd be like, who the hell are you? You could eat so many McRibs. That would be my predator voice. McRibs? No way. I would eat stranded marines in the middle of the jungle.

Only the best Schwarzeneggers. I mean, that's what McRibs are made out of. That's true. That's true. And I ate one yesterday. I have not had a McRib in years. I have my

McRib once a year. Because my colon can handle it. It stays in there just about that long as well. Yeah, exactly. I imagine you go to the bathroom one day and be like, oh, that McRib! Time to get another. That's where that was.

McRibs, get them at your local McDonald's today. It's meat formed to look like it has bones. McRib. It is kind of weird. It's like they took this weird mystery meat thing and just shaped it like it's a rib.

Like it has bones. And they dip it in barbecue sauce, put it on a bun with pickles and onions, and say it's a McRib sandwich. It is most likely the most unhealthy thing ever. I should just make my own McRib that isn't bad. You can. You could probably just take pork And dip it in barbecue sauce And stick it on a bun

And it'd be ten times healthier for you And probably taste better It probably would I'm gonna do that You'll have to let us know how it turns out Here's what's gonna happen You'll end up at McDonald's Look, I tried

I tried I went to the store it was closed so i went to another store and they had really bad quality like pork so i was like i'm just gonna go to mcdonald's to get to get quality pork that you don't know what it is but you know what at least you didn't have to make it exactly exactly your taste standards are very low you're like look if it tastes like barbecue and onions, I'll eat it. Well, why else would people eat it? It's like, oh, this McRib is going to taste or help my body so much after my jog.

You give people much more credit than in real life. There's no jogging to get that McRib. No, amazing story. Okay, yeah? So yesterday, I ate at this restaurant. There's this old lady behind me when I was checking out. And she's looking through her, like, change. And she's like, look at this!

It's a nickel! But it doesn't look like a nickel because it's so old! And then the other old lady with her was like, she was just like, hmm. Yeah, it does. And then she's like, well, someone else will get the old nickel now. Okay.

That's it. That is an amazing story. I told you. A story of triumph and inspiration. This is an old nickel. Yes, it is, Betty. But she said it didn't look like a nickel. What if it was? It was a dime.

She's just like, it doesn't look like any nickel I've ever seen. She showed her friend. Her friend's like, oh, she's losing her mind. Her friend just went along with it like, wow, that's an interesting nickel you have there, Betty. All right. Well, enough of that.

It's time for us to go to chapter 7. Up in the sky to look at traffic. Crendor, what's the traffic like out there? Traffic's crazy today. There's snow everywhere. It's gonna die. Did we let the crazy guy back up in the copter? We did, I needed a day off.

Now over to the weather desk. Crendor, how's the weather looking out there? Well, it looks like, according to the front page of weather.com, that there's 20 inches of snow in 30 seconds, where someone recorded and sped up footage of 20 inches of snow falling in 30 seconds in Minnesota. That's not a real thing though. That's sped up footage. It is. But since we already just talked about that, let's go to Italy. In Italy. There's a bunch of hairy Italian guys writing you very angry letters from yesterday. The Italy weather channel page is different. Is it in Italian?

It is. What is your problem right there? But it won't let me pick a city either, just there's a bunch of words. All right try to get there. Well today the 12th mayor is three degrees celsius, Gio will be one degrees Celsius. For all of Italy? Yes. For all of it. Wait, this is for Richevi il Matteo di Milano. Okay, Milan.

All right, Milan. That sounds like a soccer team, Milano. In Viaggio. Oh, wow, that just shows a bunch of lines. They didn't teach me this in weather school You probably should have stuck with Minnesota I would have believed the snow report Yeah

Hold on we're gonna go to Minnesota Sorry Italy Italy That's two days in a row That's two days in a row you've screwed with them They are not gonna be happy Minnesota. Minnesota. Sorry, Italy. Italy, your weather change. That's two days in a row. That's two days in a row you've screwed with them. They are not going to be happy. Why he got to screw with us?

All I want to do is meet the women and eat the pasta. Oh, that's the crendo. So the Minnesota weather, they're going to get a lot of snow. Really? Let's look at Awatonna, Minnesota. 23 degrees Fahrenheit. Fair skies. 80% humidity because it's snowing.

You're going to have mostly cloudy with a 40% chance of snow showers in the evening. Then mostly clear after midnight. Lows around 10 above. South winds 5 to 10 miles per hour. But it's going to be a high of 35 today. So it's not that warm. now to crendor at the sports desk crendor how's it looking in sports well in sports wednesday is always the day where nothing really happens so uh here's something that happened in baseball the reds have acquired Shinsu Chu.

I'm not laughing. I am smiling because I love the Reds. No laughter there. This is a surprise. He is Asian. Shut up. Listen, I'm just stating facts. Just like what's-her-name said in that Yelp review I'm just stating facts. Just like what's-her-name said in that Yelp review.

I'm stating facts. I'm stating... Well, well, well. If it isn't the Asians. And they also acquired Jason Donald and Cash, and the Indians acquired Trevor Bauer. Whoa, whoa, whoa. They got a guy and then Cash. They got Cash. And Cash. And the Indians acquired Trevor Bauer. Whoa, whoa, whoa. They got a guy and then cash. They got cash.

And cash. They were just like, we don't want these people so badly that we're going to give you cash as well. Just take our money, please. And so the Indians acquired Trevor Bauer, Brian Shaw, and Matt Albers. And the Diamondbacks acquired D.D. Gregorius. Holy crap. That guy's an amazing name. Gregorius. D.D. Gregorius, Tony Sip. Holy crap! That guy's an amazing name. Gregorius.

D.D. Gregorius. And Tony Sip and Lars Anderson in the three-team trade. D.D. Gregorius. And Lars Anderson sound like characters in an amazing sci-fi movie. They do. Hold on. I'm looking up D.D. Gregorius. Whoa, he looks really happy.

Well, he's apparently from the minor leagues, and he batted.284 with one home run, eight RBIs, and two stolen bases in the Peoria Javelinas. In the mean streets of Peoria, one man keeps crime at bay. D.D. Gregorius. Private Eye.

I need to show you his picture. Oh, do I need to see this? Yes. There it is. He looks way too happy. He does. That's what I was saying. He looks too happy to be a Gregorius.

He does. Although, although, that could be his ironic happy face. Because he has a bat. He's holding a bat very menacingly. Mm-hmm. He looks like a bat very menacingly. He looks like one of those cheesy, like, British gangs. Like, where are the bat boys? We are?

Eh, what we have here? Looks like they're out for a midnight stroll, eh, Gregorius? That's right. You don't have to teach him a lesson, will you, Will? As he smacks. You can't see me, but I'm i'm doing the like whacking my hand with a bat motion you can't see that but that's what i'm doing i'm like yes right we'll assume that's the case and is that it for the sports that is it for sports now it is time for our big story of the day crendor well i was gonna do the top educational systems because apparently the U.S. dropped down to 6th in 4th grade reading, 11th in 4th grade math, 8th in 8th grade math, and 10th in 8th grade science.

Did you know that the federal government builds prisons based on 3rd grade test scores? Really? Yep. builds prisons based on third grade test scores. Really? Yep. The more bad third grade test scores there are, the more prisons they build. Because it's implied that down the line, they'll need that prison space for those kids who failed in third grade.

Whoa. That is dark, man. That's like little third graders are like, you're going to be a future criminal, little Timmy. Oh, gee, I can't wait. Yeah. Just stop trying. You might as well just take a class in learning how to make shanks, little

Timmy. Oh, boy. I'm gonna make a good one out of a toothbrush, I am. I'm gonna be the best prisoner ever. Dental hygiene and murder, that's me. Here's the big story. Here are the most and least happy careers oh uh most happy the one where you don't do anything least happy uh i don't know walmart employee well you're close the most happy is singers. Of course.

Don't do anything. Yes. Yeah, all right. Municipal firefighters. Whoa, wait. Firefighters? I can see how you get, like, joy out of helping the community, but you are constantly under the threat of suffocating or being burnt alive. When you're not doing that,

you're just chilling at the firehouse. I guess, but still. But still. Watching Mari. And posing for calendars for women. With their rippling abs. The firehouse is you pose for calendars, you eat firehouse chili,

and you watch Mari. That's it. Sounds like the life. All right, you're right. That is a good number two. Yep. Number three is aircraft assemblers. I can see how you get a lot of satisfaction out of creating, like, something that amazing, something that flies. I can see that being very rewarding as a career.

Yeah. Number four, pediatricians. You deal with, oh oh i guess they they must like dealing with kids all day because people that become pediatricians probably really like being pediatricians they they thought being a kindergarten teacher was a little like too hands off yeah number five college professor communications That's true Communications degrees are real cheesy as is But college professors are

They have it pretty good I'm not gonna lie If I wasn't doing this I would actively be trying to get a PhD So I could be a college professor Because they live a life Tenure and all that and then they have students teach their classes and they write papers on on subjects like the happiest jobs wait what is communications

i know people that are like communications degrees yeah uh communications is so wide. It can be anything from being a public relations person for a company to being a radio person to a whole slew of things. But it runs that gambit. So it's one of those degrees where it's nice to say you have it, but it means nothing. I've learned how to communicate with people. Yeah, it's as bad as my double major in history and theater. It's totally people. Yeah, it's as bad as my double major in history and theater. It's totally useless. Yeah. Number six is educational, vocational, and school counselors.

I guess counselors because they like to help people, and so they feel like they're connecting. I remember counselors, and I remember disliking going to see them immensely. I did too. I would never go to see them on my own free will, but every so often we had to go see them, and they'd always say the exact same like, so, how you doing?

Give any thought to college? What are you going to do with your life? It's like, dude, I'm I want to go home. I want to hang out with a friend. I don't want to sit here and talk to you. Whenever I would go to the counselor, I would be like, so can I get, like, my last period class open? That's also what my counselor did was help with schedules.

And so I remember my senior year, I got my three favorite teachers to – because I had most of my credits already done. So I only had to take, like, the ones that you were required to take. And then so I got study halls and all my favorite teachers' classes. So first period was with Mrs. Pease. And I was like, Mrs. Pease, can I just not show up just like sure so i didn't i didn't have to be to school it's like 905 and then uh the one right after lunch so we'd go for like a two-hour lunch and we just leave campus and go places and then the last period of the day it was awesome it was

awesome that's the life of high school you have to schedule it so you don't stay there a lot well if anything it prepared me for college because college high school is way different schedule wise you're forced to take things you don't want to and college is you have to take like you have to fight to take the things you want to take because if you don't fight for it you'll end up forced into stuff you don't want to take. And they give you the option. You can either stay up all night and be up at 7am when stuff goes online, and you can register for classes, or you are very lazy and you get stuck with like World Civilization 1. Well, I would look up my professor. Like the best ones always got super filled up Like really fast and so the one time I had to take English 101 And I got the awesome professor and he was like an actual author

And it was so cool because he was just like he liked me too because I was not shitty at writing He's just like hey give you an A and so I got an A and then at English 102 I got this crazy lady that was like super, super into English, and she's like, here's the whatever of the class. And it was, like, 10 pages long. And she's like, we're going to have a lot of reading and a lot of work, but it'll be worth it. I was like, I'm dropping this right now. So I dropped it. I retook it the next semester with the best teacher ever.

He was, like, he was pretty much like a substitute teacher. He was like, listen guys, like I bartend on the weekends. I like how your qualification for best teacher ever is everyone else's worst teacher ever. Well, everybody else in the class was really happy as well because

they didn't want to try either. And so and so I bartend on the weekends. No, this was the best thing. He was like, and if you got a problem with me swearing in class, well, F you. And so he would just like swear in class. And he gave us the minimal amount of homework required to pass the class. I imagine on Mondays he came in drunk all the time.

to pass the class. I imagine on Mondays he came in drunk all the time. Well, there was one day where he said everyone in America is fat and we need to get activity in our lives. So for a class, he let us tip the desks over and play soccer.

Worst teacher in America. I got an A in that class. Did you? And it's the same credit as that woman who can let her students do all the work. Here's the best part. All of this is starting to explain the word scarce. Oh my god. In my English class, we played soccer.

Now the word scarce. I may English class, we played soccer. Now the word scars. I may not know how to say scars, but I am now skinny and have high immunity. Holy crap. That is amazing. We have learned so much today. Oh god. We have learned so much today. Oh, God. I'm just imagining up on the board. Before class started, he was about to give you a lecture on the word scarcity.

And he was like, F it. Let's play soccer. And you saw that. You saw that word on the board. And you were like, F it. Let's play soccer. And you saw that. You saw that word on the board and you were like, man, I wonder what scarcity means. You're like, balls to it. I need a gold 10. Never gonna say that word in life anyway.

What are the other things? There's criminal investigators and special agents, college instructors other, and therapists other. What are the worst? What are the worst things? The worst, the number one worst is male clerks and male machine operators.

I feel for them. There's a post office near me, and if I didn't know that they were constantly swamped, I would say they're the worst employees ever. The line is always out the door. All the time. They're open until 7pm. And from 8am when they open until 7, there's always a line. And there's always only two of them.

And I'd want to be like, you guys are horrible at your job. But having stood in that line so much, I realize they're just constantly swamped with people coming up with just boxes of letters. Yeah. It's like, email someone, you idiot. You idiot.

Number two. Program directors. What the hell? Just directors of programs? Yep. I guess because you have all the responsibility. Yeah. And if something happens, you get screwed.

Yeah, that makes make sense number three is municipal clerks so municipal firefighters awesome municipal clerks not so much not so awesome no uh number four food preparation and serving workers oh so wait so you're not even a food prep person in, say, a fast food place. You're a food prep person at an office place. So cafeteria lady. Yeah. Yeah, I can imagine that being awful. Oh my god, in my high school, we had the weirdest cafeteria lady.

She was like a gypsy. And she was like, I serve your food. I remember back in my elementary school, parents had to come in. Like, they had to sign up and every so often help the cafeteria people. And my dad used to do it all the time. And I vividly remember there was a time. This is a true story. There was a time when he had, like, he was bald.

But he was going through that period where I still want to be a badass young dude. So he had a ponytail, and he was bald. It was amazing. And so he'd sort of, like, serve up food at the cafeteria with his bald man ponytail. It was amazing. Maids and housekeeping. That, yeah, that I can imagine sucking. Number six, insurance I can imagine sucking. Number six,

insurance policy, processing clerks. So not the insurance policy like people who try to get you to buy insurance, just the clerks who every day have to fill out the crap. Yup, I can imagine. So it's pretty much like anything where you have to fill out stuff. Anything where you're the menial labor person, it seems like. Where you're the one

who does all the crap no one else wants to do. You hate your job. That sounds about right, actually. And there's hotel, motel, and resort desk clerks. Yup. Food preparation and serving workers, including fast food.

That is an awful job, I agree. Telemarketers. Horrible job. And finally, aircraft cargo handling supervisors. So the people who are responsible for if your luggage gets lost. So they're obviously not good at their jobs. It doesn't even matter.

They clearly hate it. So, wow. That told us a lot. I'm not sure what it told us, but it told us a lot. I'm not sure what it told us, but it told us a lot. I think it told us more about our personal lives. And I think that's it.

Which means we will see you tomorrow. Thank you all for listening. And as always... Yeah, see you tomorrow. Ding, ding goes the bell. Continued. the bell continued