Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox N' Crendor Beta: Wednesday, February 6th 2013

Episode Date: February 6, 2013

ALOAP BE PRAISED! On this episode of Cox n' Crendor the guy discuss their old favorite from way back when "Mike Diamond" as well as update you on an important breaking news story, Then they proceed to offend everyone.

Hello everybody, it's time for Ghost on Trend Dog! This is Trend Dog in the morning. In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour recording studios! Recording! Wake your ass up! It's the next Trend Dog in the morning! Hello there everybody! Up and up, next friend in the morning! Up and up, next friend in the morning!

Hello there, everybody! It is Wednesday. What day is it? I don't even know. I don't even know. It's a day. This is supposed to be our best day. Which is why I think today we need to start with an amazing special news bulletin. Amazing special news bulletin. That! What you said, yes. Yeah. I special news bullets. That.

What you said, yes. I'm eating a Snickers. Snickers give us free Snickers. As you know, last we heard, the groomer monster had taken a golden cookie from the Balson Corporation. And he refused to return it unless they gave cookies or something. I don't remember what he was after. He wanted cookies for, like, the children. The hospital, yeah, like the children or something.

And they were like, no, we aren't going to do that. Well, breaking news tonight, today, this morning, whatever time it is, the Krumer Monster has returned the golden cookie. And Bolton has promised to donate 52,000 packages of cookies to the hospital. Oh! That's amazing. Krumel Monster, you did it. Krumel Monster did it.

Here's the best part. I don't think he's going to jail. I don't think they know who the Krumel Monster is. They probably don't. The Krumel Monster is truly, truly. He's a vigilante hero, is what he is. He is. I want the Kurumo Monster to steal other things.

Other cookie-shaped objects. Kurumo Monster, you can steal my cookies any day. That sounds very dirty. Steal my cookies any day, Kurumo Monster. I guarantee you are maybe the third person to say that to him. There are at least two people ahead of you who are like, ooh, Kuruma Monster. At least.

That's amazing. I think that's an amazing story. Here's the thing, though. I only have the headline. I don't have the article. So I don't know what happened. I assume the Kuruma Monster, this is how I imagined it in my head. I'm just going to make up the story.

The Kuruma Monster, he shows up in a giant blue car, furry car, right? And all the guys in the Ballston Cookie Company are, like, standing at the entrance to their giant corporate headquarters. They're, like, get ready. They all have shotguns and badass sniper rifles and stuff. And the Cookie Monster opens the door, and it plays that song from Kill Bill, like, sniper rifles and stuff. And the cookie monster opens the door and it plays that song from Kill Bill like, Bow, bow, bow.

Right? Bow, bow, bow. And then he starts walking slow-mo towards the door holding a suitcase filled with the cookie. And they're like, How big is the cookie? Giant. It's a sign. It's basically a sign. So it's one of those like artist briefcase things. It's like, bow, bow,

bow. And they're getting ready to shoot him and he opens the case sign. So it's one of those artist briefcase things. It's like, bow, bow, bow. And they're getting ready to shoot him and he opens the case and there's nothing in it. And they're like, oh, don't shoot. He's like, you want to know where the cookie is? You've got to give those kids their cookies. And they're like, fine, we'll do it. And then he pops up a thing.

There's another flap within the thing and it like pops out. And then he jumps in his car and drives away and they're like, Krumer Monster! And there's like some guy watching him There's another flap within the thing, and it, like, pops out. And then he jumps in his car and drives away, and they're like, Krumel Monster! And there's, like, some guy, like, watching him drive away with, like, glasses on, and then he just takes his glasses off, and he's just like, Krumel Monster, we'll meet again.

He's the detective who's always on the case, trying to catch the Krumel Monster. That needs to be animated. Bounce, bounce, bounce! If anything needs to be animated. If anything needs to be animated, it has to be that. Ah, yes, Krumer Monster, we meet again. Although he's German,

so it's like, ah, yes, Krumer Monster, we meet again. Oh, I guess you could go that way, too, with your accent. I mean, I thought mine was just as good.

Yours sounds more like Austria. Maybe he's Austrian. What are you doing, Keeva Monster? I'll break you. Pow, pow, pow. I think this is a good

time to open a fortune cookie. Wait, why do you have... Because... Why do you... This is... All right, this podcast has become you just torturing me. Just torturing me. I got three fortune cookies from the Chinese food place I ordered from.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. And I didn't open two of them. So, here's our fortune. Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you. Aww. I'm looking next to me and I don't see it. That's not very helpful.

I mean, I do have ramen and I have Snickers and that makes me pretty happy. I have my phone, but the only thing on there is misery. Pain and misery. Oh. Well, we'll open another one in a little while. Maybe it will counteract the previous. It probably will. Although most fortune cookies I get aren't really fortunes.

They're like, when you believe in yourself, yourself is what you believe in. Like, what does that mean? I really want to get a fortune cookie. It's just like, your life sucks. There's some guy somewhere who's like, I'm going to put that in there. It's just like your life sucks. There's some guy somewhere who's like, I'm going to put that in there. It's going to blow people's minds. There has to be. Just one. Just one guy opens it and it's like

your life, it sucks. Your lucky numbers are you have none. Okay, so today, speaking of food, today I was out driving around getting groceries. Oh, great. Bringing stuff back.

And while I was driving around, I heard another commercial for our dear friend Mike Diamond, the smell-good plumber. Now, if you remember when we first started this podcast, way back when, I talked about this guy Mike Diamond here in L.A. He was like, he's the smell-good plumber. Like, that's his thing. And every time he shows up, it goes, like, that's his harp noise sounds. Wait, wait. Yeah?

Was that on the podcast, or was that in a Let's Play? I don't know. It was a long, I think it was in the podcast. If you listen to us, you've likely heard it. You've likely heard this story. Well, so it's this guy, Mike Diamond, and he does these really awful commercials. And one of the commercials he's done features this guy named Jose, right?

So there's Bubba and Jose, and these are the characters. It's amazing. So there's Mike Diamond who's like, hello, ma'am. I'm Mike Diamond, the smell good plumber. And so there are these characters, Bubba, who's Bubba the butt crack plumber, and he's like, I gotta watch out for that Mike Diamond, cause he's taking all my business. And that's not an exaggeration, that's the exact voice they use. And then, his cousin, Bubba's cousin, Jose.

And Jose's voice is like, hello there, Uncle Bubba. Why is one of them, like, from Texas and the other is like. I don't know. I don't know. And so in order to make Jose non-offensive, they say he just got back from the military. So he's been in Iraq serving. And so that's why. So he's a real American.

He's a patriot. Right. And so he's like, I just got back from serving in Iraq as a plumber's apprentice. I can't wait to go work for Mike Diamond. And then he's like, ain't no nephew of mine going to work for no Mike Diamond. I hear that ain't even his real name. So those two guys are in all these commercials. I'm surprised they don't.

I know on YouTube they have one of the commercials Where it's just Mike Diamond by himself And they have a bunch of old commercials So he's been around a while but this is like a new thing That just started up I guess And so every time it's on you just have to appreciate How nuts it is And so what happens is In the newest set of commercials

Jose goes to apply for Mike Diamond And so he shows up And his Mike Diamond's mom, Rosie or whatever her name is, she's there and she's like, hi, welcome. You know, and it's, it's his mom. It's like his real mother. Right. And she's not a good actress. She's clearly just reading stuff off a script, but it's, it's kind of, you know, it's quaint, right? It's his mom. Well, that ran for most of the end of last year. Today I get in the car and that commercial is on. I'm like, oh boy, turn up the volume

and get ready to laugh. They replaced his mother. What? I don't know who told him to do this, but now in the commercials, it's the exact same commercial. It's Jose, like, I think I'll go apply to the Mike Diamond. And he's like, I don't know, cousin of mine or nephew, you're going to go apply to Mike Diamond.

And so he, like, sneaks off to Mike Diamond's. And he shows up and he's like, hey, I'm here to apply to be a Mike Diamond smell good plumber. And the woman who before was like, hi, my name's Goldie. That was her name, Goldie. Hi, my name's Goldie. I'm his mother. Is now, hello, my name's Goldie. That was her name, Goldie. Hi, my name's Goldie. I'm his mother. Is now, hello,

my name's Goldie. I'm his mother. And I was like, they got a voice actress to do the voice of Mike Diamond's mother. His real mother they replaced. I can just imagine that.

She's just like, I did good. And they're like, listen, you did great, but we're gonna have to like change some things. But it's not even remotely close.

It's not even the same. It's a completely different sounding voice. It's like, oh, hello. My name's Goldie. It was like they did not just replace his mother. And the entire time, all of his commercials about how about how like good and noble and nice this guy is and how he's the smell good plumber he would never rip you off and he'll treat you with kindness and respect unlike bubba who just wants to get inside your house and then they can't get rid of

you like that's a literal line from the thing like once we're inside the house then we got him right where we want him like is he gonna rape you what is this about and so this guy's supposed to be the hero plumber he replaced his mother in a commercial mike diamond kind of sick bastard are you stand up guy it's like look ma you ain't cutting it get out but i thought i was good shut it old lady we replaced you with this 25 year old actress hello i'm an old lady it's amazing i couldn't believe it the guy i'm sure to the rest of the world that doesn't matter but to me this is a major event this is this is up there with like replacing this is like an iron man 2 when they replaced uh the guy who played friend. They replaced one black guy with another black guy

and thought we wouldn't notice. I noticed. I noticed that was Don Cheadle. I saw that. We noticed. I noticed that. We noticed. I noticed. I just went to the I just typed in the YouTube The Smell Good Plumber. The video that was uploaded like the only one on the internet.

It has 4900 views. It says Jesse Cox brought me here and mother of God, he's real. Mike Diamond. And the guy who uploaded it said, this is hilarious. I put this video up a year ago to show my nieces

and then forgot all about it. Now because of Jesse Cox and the user Wildcrendor, a ton of other people are watching it. Gotta love the internet. Yep, good. Here we go. Fixing the internets. Yep. Good. Here we go. Fixing the internet one video

at a time. So yeah, that is important to me. That's it. That's all I have. That's what's important to you today. Yeah. Happy Wednesday. Oh wait, we didn't get to do impression Tuesday. We should just do like an impression. Oh, well I figure I did some impressions there.

Oh, that's true. Who should I do an impression of you can be hose you be jose and i'll be and i'll be i'll be bubba okay we'll do we'll do a bit hey jose i hear you're going to mike diamond plumbing but uncle bubba i want to go to the Diamond. Ain't no nephew of mine gonna go to no Mike Diamond. I hear that ain't even his real name. But, Uncle, I'm pretty sure he has a real name and his name is Mike Diamond. I am really hungry as well and want to go to Taco Bell. Holmes? Hello!

It's me, Goldie! His mother! Did you know that he's a real person? Oh, hello Mrs. Diamond. I'm looking for your son, Mike Diamond, the smell good plumber. How does he smell good? Why? Because he came out of my incredibly nice smelling vagina! Oh, it smells wonderful. Because he came out of my incredibly nice smelling vagina.

Oh, it smells. There was a line there that I crossed. I'm okay with it. But I just want to let everyone know that I crossed it knowing that I crossed it. You crossed that line. You were proud of it. Look, Goldie smells good down there. He sure smells good in here, Mrs. Diamond. Then smell down there, sweetie.

Oh, Mrs. Diamond, I don't know if I can do that. I'll pay you extra. Oh, I'm going to go back to Mexico, Mrs. Diamond. That's right, Jose. Come back with me. Once we're inside the house, they can't do anything. I was about to say something really racist, then I stopped myself. I'm proud of that.

We have taken a dark turn here today. Have we or have we just continued on our path? Really, this is the inevitability of the show. Eventually we'd get here. Yes Mm-hmm now we all right all right. You know what let's go to chapter copter seven the scouts Crandor Crandor How's that traffic out there? Oh well the traffic out here is pretty great. Everything's going pretty smoothly. There's some snow There's some wind there's some fire. There's some rain. There's some hail. There's some sleep I can smell mrs. Diamond's vagina from up here. It is really strong.

And there's some waterfalls as well. Back to you. I don't want to know where those waterfalls are at. I don't either. But to quote TLC, do not go chasing them. Don't go chasing them. All right, now let's head over to the weather desk with Crendor. How's that weather?

Hey, how's it going? I'm at the weather desk right now. It's pretty nice. The weather here is pretty great. I mean, we got the air conditioning going. So we're going to head on down to a fun place that I call Paola, Kansas. Paola? Paola.

Most exciting places around. A place that belongs in Florida, not in Florida. Paola? Most exciting places around. A place that belongs in Florida. Not in Florida. Paola. Paola. What an amazing name. Hey, Paola. 35 degrees Fahrenheit. We got some east-southeast wind. What's that even mean? East-southeast winds?

I guess they're east-headed southeast, or they are east and then moving between southeast and east? Does that mean they blow that way, or they are east and then moving between southeast and east? Does that mean they blow that way, or they come from that way? I don't know. I don't know either. Okay. We'll get messages about it.

We will. Okay. Imagine you're the wind, okay? I am. You're just like, hey, I'm the wind. Then there's the east. The smell good wind. Yeah, do you start in the east, and you go south and then you go back east?

I think that's where the wind heads. The wind heads in a southeast direction. That's where it's blowing towards. So it's like in between southeast and east. So it's like a... So really the wind's coming from the northwest, headed to the southeast. It's like a parallelogram. Yeah, sure.

I learned that in math class. I'm not sure you did. I learned that word in math class. Well, we can confirm that. That's correct. 72% humidity. 30.09 inches of pressure. 10 miles of visibility.

Some trending keywords are rain, wind, and snow. Some local tweets from the payola area. We got weather bots. We got weather bots. We got more weather bots. Payola is just a bunch of robots. And, yeah, more weather bots. It is just a bunch of robots And Yeah more weather bots

It's just That's where the robots live That's probably one of those things Like it's spelled backwards It means like robot take over Aloap Aloap That's what it means

Aloap is robot for Rise Rise up You're just gonna see robots all over Just like Aloap Aloap Aloap

Aloap I'm like what are they talking about It's like, Aloap, Aloap. They're like, Aloap, Aloap. I'm like, what are they talking about? They know. Rise, brothers. Aloap. That was probably the name of the first robot ever created that was murdered by man. And they, his name was Aloap. His name was Aloap.

Why does RG4 keep saying Aloap when he scores a touchdown? Aloap, Aloap, Aloap, RG4 keep saying aloe app when he scores a touchdown? Aloe app. Aloe app. Aloe app. RG4. RG4 points to the sky. RG4 points to the sky. He's like, aloe app, I did it for you.

Aloe app. Yep. Makes sense now. You don't mess with RG4 and his aloe app. Aloe app is just another name for God. Aloap. It's true. That's weather.

That's weather. Every time I say that, we're like off on some tangent. All right. Well, let's talk sports then. Sports. Really? What is happening right now? Probably nothing.

Lack of halftime show could be just one of many problems with a cold weather Super Bowl that they might have. That's why they never have the Super Bowl in the cold area, though. But apparently, they're going to have a New York Super Bowl, I think. Don't they have domes in New York? No, they don't. Yeah, it's going to be at the New York Jets Stadium. I'm sure they can find a couple thousand heaters and throw those on the field. I mean, they play football in the snow.

Get Kanye West out there in one of his many parkas. He'll be just fine. Yeah. I mean, if anything, it makes it more fun, because they're always like, oh, we're in a dome, whatever. But now, when you got, like, an outdoor Super Bowl, you can have more awesome Super Bowls where it's like the ice ball returns. Right? We need stuff

like that. Dome Bowls are for wimps. Yeah. Wimps. You saw those players, wimps. They got a 45 minute break after they had a break, wimps. Seriously. RG4 takes no breaks. LOAP will play in the snow. RG4 shut down those lights

to teach them a lesson. He did. He was sitting there munching on a circuit just like, nah, nah, nah. RG-4 shut down those lights to teach them a lesson. He did. That's what happened. He was sitting there munching on a circuit. Just like, nah, nah, nah, nah. RG-4 should be in Super Bowl. But, yeah, why is the halftime show not able to do it? I don't know, because people are so whiny. We've become soft. We've become soft.

There may not be a halftime show next year, as Josh Margolin of the New York Post reports. One source close to the situation believes that the logistics of setting up a stage and pulling a show off in a short space of time would be nearly impossible under inclement conditions. It's not only the acts and the singers, but also the

crews that have to put the stage together. Oh, boo-hoo! Oh, I'm making a ton of money to be at the Super Bowl! Oh bowl oh no i have to sing in the cold what if my voice is not prepped perhaps i have to spend extra money buying some tea before i go on die mike diamond suck just okay next year's super bowl halftime show just has to be mike diamond the smell good plumber in the middle of the field, just like talking with Jose and Bubba, and Mrs. Diamond. And then there has to be Jacoby Jones just dancing.

And that's the entire halftime show. They all parachute out of her vagina. Look out for the Uncle Bubba I don't know where we just came from I went to bed last night And I woke up here and there And Jacoby Jones is just like flying like a raven It's like go, go, go

We are gonna get letters today. Letters of happiness. Or from Snickers, the best chocolate candy around. Snickers. How many Snickers do you have? I just had the same one. Oh, I was about to say. I'm a little jealous.

But now it's gone. All right. Well, now let's move on to say. I'm a little jealous. But now it's gone. Alright, well now let's move on to the big news story of the day. Another survivalist development in Idaho? Oh god. What? What kind of wacko is in Idaho now?

A group of survivalists wants to build a giant walled fortress in the woods of Idaho's panhandle. To do what? Oh. Because Obama, probably. A medieval style city where residents would be required to own weapons and stand ready to defend the compound if society collapses. Oh my god, what is with people?

A black guy becomes president and suddenly society is about to collapse. Oh. The proposal is called the Citadel. Oh, my God. These people are nuts. Are you kidding me? It has created a buzz. These are the kind of guys who are like, I put all my money into gold and silver.

Ain't nothing going to happen when Obama destroys the country. They're the guys when we listen to Coast to Coast and it's like, be sure to get your extra supplies of seeds for when the world ends. These are those crazy people. I bought all of the seeds. I will control all of the crops. These are the ones who are like, no, I know I'm gonna

take our guns and then we're gonna have to go in there and shoot them all to death. God. Well, the project would more than double the population of Benelaw County, home to 9,000 people. No, it wouldn't. It wouldn't double anything. No one's going to go there.

I don't know how they can project that number. Yes, we'd like to build a citadel fortress, and it's going to double the population by another 9,000. How are 9,000 people going to fit in a fortress? Locals have many questions, but organizers so far are pointing only to a website billing the Citadel as a community of liberty. There is no leader, Christian Kerodin says, a convicted felon who is a promoter of the project.

There's a significant group of equals involved, each bringing their own professional skills and life experiences to the group. Oh, no. Can I just say two things? One, how come every time the people who are like, go America, I support true Americanism, right? They're the ones who, when they get to make their own towns, make it as communist and socialist as possible. Like, there's no leader? What kind of society is that? That's not America. That's not

a capitalist, democratic society where all equals. That is straight up communism, dude. And then if it's just, like, everyone living, it's not a society. It's just... I guess it's socialism. Look, it's one of the two. It doesn't even matter. It's not democracy. And then here's one of the two. It doesn't even matter. It's not democracy. And then here's the thing.

And then they do that weird sort of like Atlas Shrugged slash... I can't remember the name of the city, but it's the game Bioshock. And that underwater city where everyone, all the scientists, same with Atlas Shrugged, all the scientists get together and all the business tycoons and all the smart, well-to-do people, they get together and everyone is equals and we won't have to work for the people who don't take care of themselves. And then, of course, in reality,

they would all turn on each other. Even in situations where everyone's really smart and intelligent, some people are just going to choose not to do as much as others and the people who do more are going to be pissed at the people who do less. And eventually, someone's going to become the leader and boss everyone around. Their ideal society is a non-existent one.

That's why even way back when, when man was like, we hunt elk or whatever the hell we hunt, that even then there were leaders. Like a chieftain would rise up and boss people around. Because no one can just be like, oh, we all agree on stuff. No one does. That's society. They're stupid. They're stupid.

They're idiots. It is. It's like when people are like, we want just a free society of no rules. It's like, you need some rules. Right? You can't just have some guy that walks around murdering people. The 99% people, the protesters, they tried to make it so like, no one's really in charge. We have a council of elders.

Like, nothing got done then that's why like there were a lot of people there for a long time but it was really ineffective at getting things done like the sentiment and what they were there for everyone supported like almost the entire country was like yeah we're with you but they didn't get jacked done because they were like raise your fingers and wiggle them if you agree. And people are like, yay. No, that's a no-no vote. And nothing happened. Mark Potok, a spokesman for the Southern Poverty Law Center, says, the people behind the Citadel are like 12-year-old boys talking about the treehouse or secret underground city they're going to build someday.

Yep, that's pretty much what it sounds like. Yeah. city they're going to build someday. Yep, that's pretty much what it sounds like. Yeah. These are the guys who in their minds, they're waiting for something to happen. I'm gonna go out on a limb.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here. None of these young gentlemen, or old gentlemen, I'm not gonna assume very many women. I assume the women who are with them are wives who are just going along with it, because they're like eh, it's my husband. I would assume women are too smart for something like this, but Women who are with them are like wives who are just going along with it because they're like, it's my husband. Because there's I would assume women are too smart for something like this.

But this it sounds like something where they want to play soldier, but are too much of a coward to go off and join the army. That's what I feel. These are those kind of guys like, oh, we're going to fight against tyranny. But we are going to join the army because that's dangerous. Let's just build a big-ass castle. So instead we're gonna sit in the woods with our guns and threaten people and be real big about it. Like, you do that, guys.

They're just gonna sit in their castle with, like, lawn chairs at the top of it, just like, hey, you, where you going? Just like, uh, walking by. Alright, keep walking. I'm sorry, mister. Please don't hurt me. Yeah, that's right, you are sorry. I'm sorry, mister. Please don't hurt me. Yeah, that's right. You are sorry. Pathetic.

Pathetic. That's what's going to happen. All right. That's it. Hold on. I'm going to open my final fortune cookie. We did promise. That's right.

And it is... It's kind of a crappy fortune cookie. It's all, like, weird looking. I can hear it fall apart. It's just like, I am a shitty fortune cookie. It's all like weird looking. I can hear it fall apart. It's just like, I am a shitty fortune cookie. You are soon going to change your present line of work.

Hopefully that's for you, buddy. I don't want that. I mean, maybe it means I'm going to go from doing really bad quality things to good quality. Probably not. Probably not. I'm going gonna end up working at the castle.

You're the PR guy for the castle? Yeah. Our castle is very unique. We do not have any socialist things even though we run a very socialist-like society. We are not socialists, though. By law. No. Not at all.

Our lawyers have confirmed this. They work for free, though, for law. No, not at all. Our lawyers have confirmed this. They work for free, though, for the benefit of the society. They do. Yeah. Nothing socialist about that. All right, that's it. We will see you guys tomorrow with another exciting episode. Until then, woo!

Aloha. Hello app.