Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox n' Crendor: LA Nonsense Special

Episode Date: September 18, 2014

It's a very special Cox n' Crendor! Crendor is in town and the boys talk about all the crazy LA things they saw in the span of 24 hours. Strangely it all revolves around food....

Hello everybody and welcome to Cox and Crendog's It's the special morning. It's the special morning. Hello everybody and welcome to Cox and Crandor in the special morning. The special morning. Or it's just the night time. Yeah, it's the night time. I mean it's like late. It's late night, but we owe you a podcast this week, mostly because we've been really busy. But we felt you deserved at least

to know what was going on in our lives. This isn't really going to be a normal podcast. It's going to be a funcast. Yeah. The Cox and Crandor Funcast. Because I'm in LA. Yeah, he's sitting right next to me. I'm right here. It's a little creepy. I can touch you. That's a little creepy too.

It is. But we are just chilling and thrilling. And we have some funny stories to tell you about LA. And so we figured we would share. Yeah. There's some great stories. So tell us some stories. Alright.

So today. Oh yes. So Crandor got here last night. Yeah. And what did we do last night? We went to the mall. Was that yesterday? Yeah, that was yesterday.

It's like two old men. Like, what did we do? Where did we even go? Oh, yes. We did go to the mall yesterday. This is a very good story. We went to the mall yesterday, and this girl was walking around. When we first got to the mall, we noticed her immediately because she was wearing a baseball jersey, but I don't think any pants.

No pants. Pretty sure no pants. No pants. She was like a big, thick-butted Nubian princess. She was walking around looking all sexy and dark, and I noticed her. And apparently this group of maybe like nine or ten black dudes, she walked right through them. Yeah. Like very like sultry walk through them.

And all of them did like that head turn like, damn. All of them. Not one of them didn't. And as she walked by, we waited for her to walk through this huge group. And then we walked through because apparently they decided to stand right in the middle of the mall, whatever. Yeah. and then we walked through because apparently they decided to stand right in the middle of the mall, whatever. And so as we're walking by, one of the guys says, she ain't all that bad or whatever he said,

but Krendor, for some reason, what did you think you heard? I thought he said, wow, she's a goober. I swear I heard goober. I heard she's a goober. So, Crandor just assumed that was new slang. Yeah. And when I heard this,

I was like, I kind of wish that was. So if everyone could just agree to start calling people goobers who are hot, like, damn, that girl's a goober. That's one hot goober over there. That's a hot goober.

It applies to guys too. Yeah. Ooh, I'd like to get me some of that goober. I feel like that would help our story make a lot more sense. It would. So we've seen a lot of goobers. We've seen a lot.

LA is filled with goobers. Filled with goobers. So many goobers. Lots of smoking hot goobers. Oh, yeah. We were also at Best Buy, and our customerers. Oh, yeah. We were also at Best Buy, and our customer specialist. Oh, my God. Was the worst?

Worst customer specialist. So I went there originally with the plan of getting an adapter. I should have just gone to Amazon. In the end, I ended up going to Amazon. That's the end of this story but how we get there is uh we had a adapter that would connect my wii u to the internet wired because wireless my wii u is broken and so we went there and i politely asked if they had anything they didn't no and then we decided what the hell let's pick up destiny i don't know the game destiny yet everyone their brother has it And they're just like it's so good

And I'm part of a text message chain That is filled with 8 assholes just tweeting about how much they're enjoying the game So you're just like I want to get that game I like how I combine text messaging Look I don't have social media I don't even care anymore I'm old I don't care And so I just desperately wanted this thing

Desperately wanted to get Destiny And I figured I'll pick up a controller too But Destiny wasn't in the CD I just desperately wanted this thing. Desperately wanted to get Destiny. And I figured, yeah, I'll pick up a controller too. But Destiny wasn't in the CD. It was just like a box. And the guy was like, hold on. I've got to go get Destiny for you in the back. So he goes back to Destiny.

Well, we asked him why. We said, why do you need to go get Destiny in the back? He's like, people could steal it. People could steal it. So he goes in the back. Meanwhile, I have a $45 controller in my hand. No one is worried about that being stolen. Oh yeah, they can just walk. If anyone wants to take that, they can.

So apparently Destiny is more valuable than a video game controller. And so we go look around a little bit and he's like, oh yeah, when you're done looking around, I'll be right over here. We look around, we come back, he is gone. He's gone. The man has vanished. Like, we looked for him.

He is gone. We searched. He's gone. So basically, what ends up happening is, we just, I just, screw it, I put down the controller, and we just leave. We left. I'd rather, sorry, went online and just ordered everything on Amazon. That was our customer specialist. That was our customer specialist. That was our customer specialist.

He was like, I'm going to go get you. I think he went back to Destiny and might have been mugged or killed. Possibly. Possibly. But, I mean, walking out, I tried to make it like a sitcom show where I was like, best buy, better best be buy a new customer specialist. All I needed was a laugh track. All you needed was like, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.

That's really all I needed. Yeah, that's another old man Jesse and Crandall story for you. Yep. The young kids today didn't give us any respect. Back in my day, they were just called sales associates. And they actually did their jobs. Yeah. The only thing special about that was the fact that it took him 45 minutes.

I think we sold it short. We were there a good 35 minutes. It wasn't like we waited for a minute and then left. We're not over-exaggerating. We were there so long, and that guy just vanished. Vanished. I wanted to stress this to you because I'm sure you're just like, well, that happens all the time.

People are busy. I think he went on break. I think the man went on break. At least give us another customer specialist. And there was none. Everyone was, the entire section of this, there were like three dudes in this Best Buy. Three. And if

you've been to a Best Buy, they're huge. There's like three dudes and they're all like with dads trying to figure out what to buy their daughter as a computer before she goes off to college. They're like, I don't even know how this works ma ma ma ma ma it's like oh my god don't be here yo give your daughter a notepad and say write a journal that's literally it buy that off Amazon where you should buy everything yeah let's be clear at this point best buy how are you still

open yeah failure failure failure failure all right so then we went i'm gonna take a drink of my drink okay i'm gonna sip my drink then we went to the food court and we saw some great people at the food court as well my drink's dribbling down my chin i opened it it fizzed it exploded on my hand i was dribbling down my chin everywhere now i'm licking the rim stop it you're making're making everything dirty. What happened to the food court? I don't remember. The food court we just people watched. Was there anything interesting there?

There was an anime girl. Oh, yeah. No, there's this very attractive Asian girl there, but she looked like an anime character. It was really... Her hair was like that weird purple silver. Yeah. She was dressed like she was about to go fight dragon ninjas. It was great.

She was legit. She was awesome. There's a certain level of like It looks great and then you cross a line where it becomes like Why are you doing that She had that looks great thing She did There was what looked like a very old Mother and son

We thought we were together That was so weird There was an old lady With her arm wrapped around a young, like, man. Like, not like, oh, like, oh, yeah. Like, sensually massaging his shoulder as they're walking down the little food court hallway. Yeah. And we were like, is that a mother and son?

Are they doing it? And I can't give you an answer to that. I cannot give you an answer because it was weird. Yeah. It was very weird. And right after they passed by, this little girl just runs by like, woo! Oh, there was like a random little girl by herself. She was like banging on all the different food court restaurants.

There's no parents around her anymore. No one around. She may have just been on her own. Someone was doing a very bad job of parenting. Yep. Good job, Culver City, USA. Yeah, good job. I mean, I'm sure there's some other people, but there's so much crazy that you can't take it all in.

Damn, so many goobers. All these goobers were walking by. So after the mall last night, we end up going to The Counter, which is a very good hamburger restaurant nearby. And we're hanging out with the Warp Zone guys and Gerard the Completionist and our friend Will. We're all just eating burgers and having actually we're all douches and we all have like salad burgers I didn't well all of us LA douches had salad burgers which is

basically just a salad with a hamburger on top but I got like four sides of sauce that I never you did you did order french fries with five different sauces you never know which one you want to eat so I like to order in the end there was still four sauce containers completely untouched. You went with the first one you had, and you were like, oh, okay, this is good.

That was a good sauce. You didn't even try the others. It was like a horseradish aioli. You didn't even try the others. You were just like, meh. I didn't need to try them. You didn't. The top layer had filmed over.

It was like a hard crust of mayonnaise-like sauce. Very thin, hard crust. Kind of like a lightly breaded chicken sandwich. Oh, that sounds so good. Anyway. And if they put that horseradish aioli on that chicken sandwich, it would be delicious. I'm just saying. You got it.

You got those taste buds, man. So we're at dinner. We're just talking and having a good time. And the waitress is being very polite because we're just boisterous a-holes. And the waitress is trying to get the we're just boisterous a-holes. And the waitress is trying to get the attention of everyone down at mine to the table. I'm looking at her, listening to what she's talking about

because as always, everywhere we go, I'd like to give the waitress my full attention. I'm not flirting with her. You're not aiming for that goal, but if it happens, you're fine with it. I'm fine with it.

Anyway, I'm focusing on the other end of the table and we're joking about how they have an alcoholic milkshake, and we all think it's really funny. And so she asks Arne at the table, hey, what do you guys want? And no one responds. And I turn to look. I'm like, what do you guys want? And it hits me why no one's responding like a brick. I know what you're talking about now.

A girl walks in with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is dressed like what you think dressing up looks like in seventh grade. Yeah. This weird striped two-button sweater shirt with khaki shorts. I look like that in my eighth grade graduation. Yes, everyone has a photo of them looking like this at some point in their life. With khaki shorts and just really high Reeboks. And he comes in, and then she's dressed.

Like model clothing. One speed bump away from just boobs everywhere. Like a weird dress you'd wear if you were... I don't even know where you'd wear this dress. In fact, Gerard claimed that a boob fell out. I mean, Gerard claims a lot of things. But I'm just saying, it was a very weird moment where there were three dumbfounded men at the end of the table. Just like, brrrr.

And then Davis got really mad. He's like, I've never been more mad in my life. Because, you know, it was like seeing, it's what I imagine everyone who sees me with an attractive woman might think. Yeah. This is why I will always be perpetually alone in life. Because everyone would agree, like, no, he deserves no woman. Yeah. He needs to die alone, this guy.

I agree. Convinced of it. I'm convinced of it. It's good for you. I'll be Yoda to millions of people on the internet. No getting it good for you. I'll be Yoda to millions of people on the internet. No getting it done for you. That's what the hell voice was that. Look, it's midnight here, guys.

Yeah. So I assumed that we were witnessing some sort of weird science experiment where this guy created a woman in a laboratory. That would not have surprised me. I'm not saying I'm jealous, but I was very jealous. I'm not going to lie. I was really, really jealous of this guy. I just didn't. They didn't even look like they had the same interest.

I mean, they might. They might have the same exact interest. No, here's the thing. Here's the thing. When they left, they were all over each other. Yeah. Like, that was love. That was true.

Like, they were in love. Or lust. I'm not going to judge. But they were, like, on each other. Yeah. Like that was love. That was true. Like they were in love. Or lust. I'm not gonna judge. But they were like on each other and everyone at the table was just like what is... Then again, it is LA. He may be a very good computer programmer. He's like a boy genius.

And they met at a... She's a booth babe. And then he was like hello. By the way, any booth babes out there, call me. Booth babe. Call me. I'm a boy genius. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And please date me.

And she was the one. Eventually it has to work, right? So where's a fancy place for you? And he was like, the counter is very fancy. Here's the thing. That alcoholic milkshake I had last night was pretty damn fancy. That was the highlight of my entire week. That was so good.

You have no clue. No clue. So that was our little moment. Anyway, today we went out to breakfast. We went out to breakfast. It was our top secret breakfast place. It was... Annual breakfast.

Semi-annual. Semi-annual. Semi-sort of every other month annual breakfast. And we go to this place that's close to me, and they serve, semi-annual. Semi-annual. Semi, sort of, every other month annual breakfast. And we go to this place that's close to me, and they serve, like, crazy stuff. Like, today, Crandor got what? It was hot fudge sundae French toast. There you go. I can't even, my mouth won't even speak it.

It's like the Voldemort of food. That which shall not be named. The side of egg whites. He did get egg whites. He ate maybe three bites of the egg whites. And he was like, I'm totally fooled. I ate about 23% of them. I imagine you did calculate that.

But I also imagine you calculated it completely wrong. I didn't expect the hot fudge sundae thing, French toast, to be that much hot fudge sundae. It had, like, ice cream on it. Like, legit. What did you think you were getting? I was just like, French toast with hot fudge on it. Maybe like some whipped cream. That was wrong.

Nope. So we went there. There's a picture I think it's up on Twitter. You can go look at it if you want. We went there to just have our coffee and breakfast before we went on our epic trip to Blizzard today. Yep. And while we were there, this young lady walks in. She sits down by herself.

And some other placemats are with her. You know, everyone just assumes, oh, she's waiting for somebody else. About halfway through our wonderful breakfast, a dude walks in. Mm-hmm. In full white. Imagine someone walking out of Miami Vice. Like, he looked like a white version of what I imagine a Cuban drug kingpin looks like. He really did.

Yeah. Like, he had the white sports coat, but, like, a white shirt with no undershirt, but, like, just a white shirt that was unbuttoned, like, all the way down to, like, his belly button. And he had shades, like, on his head. Like, he could have walked in and been like, how you all doing today? I'm here. No. No. I don't think so. So he walks in and he like stumbles through all

these chairs over to this girl and is like, alright! And everyone, I think, everyone in the restaurant who was there in like the outdoor area with us, I imagine had the same reaction like, oh dear God, please don't let that guy be in this area.

I know. He's like, okay. He stumbles over. Stumbled to this girl sitting alone. Yeah. He shouts to someone. Yeah. I don't know who.

Someone. Is this my blind date? And the girl looks at him with the face of a person who's just like, I don't know what's going on. Everybody had that face as well. He starts shouting things. Like, one of the waiters is like, sir, sir, are you okay? Do you need to go? He's like, Poppy, you set me up with this girl?

It's my blind date. It's my blind date. And he's just hammered out of his mind. This is like 1038. Yeah, maybe 1030. Maybe 1030. He's just super bummed, stumbling. And Woggy's like, this is great.

And then some guy comes in off the street in like a t-shirt and shorts. He's like, dude, come on, let's go. And he's like, you set me up with this girl? What is going on? And everyone's like, you set me up with this girl? What is going on? And everyone's just horrified. And then finally they usher him out. Yep. And at the same time, everyone cracks up.

Everyone. It was like this collective sigh of just like, what happened right here? I still don't know what happened. I wish I had recorded it. There's no way you could I can't even describe to you how weird and awkward it was. Yeah, like take what we just said and multiply it by like at least

50. It was so strange and everyone's like, do you know him? And the girl's like I don't know what that was That may have been one of the weirdest restaurant experiences I've ever had. Oh no, it gets weirder because then, in the same restaurant, at the same time, maybe minutes after he left, an old lady, maybe 70, 80, sits down. But she's had about 40 plastic surgeries. Oh, yeah, she's that L.A. old lady.

So take off 20 years and add some, like, plastic. She sits down at the table next to us, and she's like, I've never been here before. Do you serve Bloody Marys? And the waiter's like i've never been here before do you do serve uh bloody mary's and the waiter's like uh yeah we do she's like what kind of vodka do you use and he's like um it's it's not strong vodka it's kind of vodka that can let the flavor of the bloody mary get through and she's like um could i try your vodka and he's like okay So then he goes And brings her like A little shot of vodka She drinks it And she's like

Can I taste that In a Bloody Mary So he brings her like A little mini Bloody Mary And she drinks that She's like It's so spicy She coughed too

She was like And then He goes And like makes her But it was 10.39 Maybe 10.40 and she was already four drinks in. Yeah, and she didn't pay anything. She had paid nothing at this point.

This lady was the most baller. I want to be that awesome. She was just like, I've never been here before. Can I have alcohol? And the guy's like, okay. It's like a person, if you go to, like, an ice cream place and, like, sample everything and then just leave. That's what it was. And she was like, do. It's like a person, if you go to an ice cream place and sample everything and then just leave. That's what it was. And she was like, do you serve dinner here?

And he's like, yeah, no, we're open at 8 a.m. and we go until dinner time. And she's like, do you have a dinner menu? He's like, well, this is the menu for everything. She's like, could I have another drink? She's like, I never heard of this place before. It's wonderful. That's probably all she does. That's a great scam. That's a great scam.

That's a big scam. That's what it is. I want to be with her. I want to date this old woman. That's what I'm saying. She's going to get me a lot of free drinks. She'll get you a lot. One of my prerequisites for dating any woman is if she can get me free drinks.

Okay. Fact. If you're too timid to come up with a way to scam men out of drinks, then you're not the woman for me. Like you wait at the bar and watch them, and then you go up to them and be like, nice scam you got there. Oh, I mean, that's what I do. I need a woman who is willing to use her feminineness to get me free drinks. The fact, look, if you need to flirt with the bartender to get me a free beer, that's hot.

You just made a man feel good about, let's say, his hygiene. I don't know what the hell you flirted with him with. I don't care. But you got me a free beer. That's at least sloppy Jesse kisses. Everybody, you're learning the way to jesse's heart right now all i'm saying is no just like at bars and clubs that are crowded waiting's for suckers yeah same with conventions waiting's for suckers you scam them yeah you scam like i was here earlier and

my friend you know got a t-shirt but there wasn't one for me and they'd say come back later none of them care they're just like whatever boom boom you gotta fake it till you make it that's my tip for the internet fake it till you make it put it on the t-shirt put on t-shirt make it till you make it let's see what else is what's all we've done oh this is this is even real podcast you're you're like 20 minutes in this isn't even a real podcast Not even a real podcast I'm not even wearing a real shirt right now It's made out of aluminum Yeah, I mean, he's dressed like a robot I am a robot

I'm not even a real human This is one of those machines That just does voice track things This isn't a coffee cup, it's filled with oil Delicious petroleum oil. What are we talking about? I don't know. Okay, so.

I just started rolling with it. You definitely rolled it right off a cliff. Right off a cliff. So, what else happened to us? What other fantastical adventures did we have? I mean, we went to Blizzard, like we said. We did go to Blizzard. That was fun. We went to their office like we said. We did go to Blizzard. That was fun. We went to their office area and

hung out with all the community peeps. Bashyuk and Zaheem and just a bunch of idiots. Yeah, big nerds. Really big nerds. Bashyuk is the tree man. He has free candy. I had one of his green candy Jolly Ranchers.

We also hung out with Rigarius. Yep. But I don't count that as hanging out because he still continued to work. Yeah. Even though we were present and everyone stopped working, like Lore stopped working and pretty much everyone. Yeah. All of them.

Rigarius kept working. He just kept working. And I'm not a fan of that. I'm not a fan of that. He just kept typing away and doing nothing. Yeah, big nerd. Big nerd. Big nerd.

Who actually does their job? Internet celebrities, Jesse Cox and Eric Crandor, were there. And he did not give us the proper internet greeting of a handshake and butt slap. We're solid D plus celebrities. At least. We are, I would say C minus. We're at least passing grade. Yeah.

We've at least passed into like. I know I'm no Michelle Morrow. Yeah. I get that. Or Brad Pitt. I mean, I assume they're both on the same level. I guess that's where we're going with this. But what I am is lovable.

Yeah. A lovable scamp who just needs a girl to get him free drinks. Scamp people. Scamp people. You can't have a scamp without a scam. I bet if she was there, she would have got Rigarius to get you a free drink. My future wife? Yeah, your future ex-wife.

Man. That's all I want. And I wife? Yeah, your future ex-wife. Man. That's all I want. Basically, I want to date Catwoman. Is it wrong that I just want to date Catwoman? I think a lot of people would want to date Catwoman. Yeah, just Catwoman. Catwoman, call me. Batman's too good for you. He really is.

You know what? Batman's too good for you. Settle for Jesse Cox. He's really pretentious. You gotta settle for someone, baby. You might as well go as low as you can go. Go to the bottom of the barrel. That's where I'm at. I'm down at the bottom with all the rotten apples. Yep.

Why do the rotten apples go to the bottom? Look, I don't know physics. Is it because everyone eats from the top? You just blew my mind. I didn't even think of that. You just blew the look on your face. I think we had a revelation here that was like, holy shit. It's like with dry cleaning.

Like, you know, like dry cleaning? It's called dry cleaning because it's like dry cleaning. Like they clean it without using water. I didn't know that until I like, you know. There's so many things where it's so obvious, but you don't realize it. Why? No, I knew that. I knew that because I am not an idiot.

Oh. The other one was much better. Yeah. You should have shut up. You should have shut up while you were ahead and not sound like a crazy person. I never stop when I'm ahead. I go all the way. I was waiting for that to mean something.

Still didn't. And then what else happened? I mean, really, we can't talk about the other Blizzard stuff because they make them. We can't talk about it. It's too cool. When you walk in there, they give you a thing. It's like, sign this and talk about nothing. And it's like, okay.

Yeah. I mean, I'm not going to argue with them. And now we're going to go watch Divergent. Yes, we're going to watch Divergent. The guys at Blizzard hyped this movie up to us as the best bad movie ever. Yeah. And then tonight we learned

Dodger loved it, which means it's gotta be shit. It's terrible. It's gotta be awful. Really bad. It's gotta be the worst movie ever. And so we rented it, and we're gonna watch it tonight, and that's our that's what we're doing Friday night in LA. Yeah. Watching Divergent. Don't judge us. Or listening to that's our, that's what we're doing Friday night in LA. Yeah. Watching Divergent. Don't judge us.

Or listening to Coast to Coast AM. But what we're going to do is we're going to come back. Yep. Our next podcast will be our thoughts on the movie Divergent. Yes.

And expect them to be fantastic. Also, we also rented a movie called Rage starring Nicolas Cage. And I feel like that would be a good topic too. Yeah.

So, next time you join us, when it's not just us rambling, it'd probably be us rambling, but focused rambling. Yeah. I won't be sitting here. I'll be at home. He won't.

Yeah. And I want to look at his beautiful face. Don't rub yourself. And, uh, yeah, so that's what we're going to do now. I won't be touching your table.

My table is now touched. Touching his monitor. You know what? You know what? If you weren't such a goober, I would kick you out of my house right now. Wow. That's pretty rude. I don't even have a bell to ring here.

What a goober. What a goober.