Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox N' Crendor: Monday, March 11th 2013

Episode Date: March 12, 2013

So, Jesse and Crendor saw a movie. And they want to share it with you. And it might take up nearly the entire podcast. But trust us, it's totally worth it and not something stupid like a movie about a talking cat who helps an old crazy man and a retired pron star fall in love.

Hello everybody, it's time for Ghost on Trending! Ghost on Trending in the morning! In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour recording studios! Recording! Hit me! Wake your ass up! It's Ghost on Trending in the morning!

Hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me! Ghost on Trending in the morning! Hello everybody,, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy. Oh, well, that's a horrible intro. It's like normal Mondays. Well, that's what people do at the store all the time. They're like, how are you? You're like, good. How are you? Good.

When people say, how's your day going? I'm like, it's going. And they just don't know how to react. I'm like, perfect. Thank you. Or when they expect you to say, how about you, back? And they're like, good. Sometimes they're in such a zombie robot mode. They'll be like, how are you? Thank you come again and you reply like you too yeah right because i'm used to being like have a good day or whatever and i'm like you too and we're so programmed but when they say something different i walk away and i'm like that made no sense what i said oh my god did i say that we forgot to talk

about that movie with a talking cat on our last podcast. I don't remember if we did. I don't remember if we did. I don't because I don't know if we did either. But like. Look, let's just talk about it again because it's wonderful. It's wonderful. So there's a movie on Netflix called A Talking Cat, question mark, exclamation point, question mark.

And it may be the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life it is so wonderful in every way it is basically I want to say it's made in Windows Movie Maker but that would be giving Windows Movie Maker too much credit or too little credit I'm not sure which so it's about this cat he can talk that's really the premise of the movie. For some reason, he's decided to get this family, these two families together. Hold on. You are missing a big plot point.

He can only talk to human beings one time. Once a human being hears his voice, he can never talk to them again. Yeah, he can only talk to one human being one time. So he can talk to, like, everybody on the planet once. That's it. But, but, apparently, when he talks, it sounds like an old drunk using a really cheap USB microphone. It does. And it's the guy from The Dark Knight.

It is. It's the guy who plays the gangster that gets dropped off the building and breaks his leg in the dark night. It's him. Yeah, and they were like, listen, we have, like, a $400,000 budget. Let's get that guy, because he'd probably do this for, like, $395,000. And then they spent the $5,000 left on whatever the hell movie this was. Yes. It's so good.

The guy recording it, you can tell they just like paid him this money and they're like you could record it from your house like after you've woken up and you can tell he's just like hello everyone my name's dude i forget i'm a talking cat and i'm gonna go around today the syncing of the voices don't even match 90% of the time. So when people are talking to the cat, the cat will there's one great scene where the guy's like what's your name? And he looks at his collar Yeah, he's like, what's your name?

And he's like, I'm from the planet Zolar. Just like some random shit. And then he's just like oh, where are you from? And he's like my name is Duffy. It's amazing. It's amazing.

And then there's that kid who's like, it's this like crazy guy and his son. Hold on, yeah, we have to break down the plot points here, okay? One family, which consists of an old crazy man who apparently was kicked out of his company. He's a genius

computer whiz who apparently can't function in real life. And he has hair like David Lynch. He has the craziest hair. And his son, I don't know where the wife is. I guess she's dead. But his son is a very insecure guy who wants to go on a date with his girl Franny who loves him. But he tutors her and he doesn't know how to talk to her yet

he is played by the single gayest actor in Hollywood he really is I like I've showed this trailer to like three people and I'm like do you think he's gay and they're like yeah and I'm like well he's not his character is very straight in real life I've never seen like a

more gay person and yet he's playing this guy who's like dad what's it like to ask out a girl it's like dude no one in this family knows it's like well son I just met your mother one night after I was drinking she was too and then you happened. Plus, the house they live in is so bonkers.

It is. And they have a chair that's a car. Listen, I'm just saying, they film porn there. It looks like a porn house. They have a chair that's a car, like a car chair. No, easily, it was. Like, there's no denying it. They have a branch statue that looks like legs with, like, a tree vagina, and then it, like, explodes out. And it has, like, cowboy boots on.

It's amazing. It has red giant cowboy boots. You're right. And then, I can't even explain it, because then, when they, like, do close-ups of stuff around the house, there's, like, cobwebs and shit everywhere. And it's like, who lives here here it is the creepiest house ever it is and that of course is where that dad and son live i mean it makes sense yeah and franny like when she first calls him to like get tutoring he's the girl he's in love with but please continue yeah she calls him she doesn't even say her name she's just just like, hey, do you know me?

I sat behind you. And he's like, oh, yeah, I know you. It's like she didn't even tell you who she is. The best part is he's like, it's in a class that he had like years ago. So it's not like a current situation where they're in a room together. He's like, oh, of course I know who sits behind me. It's like, hi, I sat behind you. And he's like, oh, of course I know who sits behind me. It's like, hi, I sat behind you. And he's like, yeah, of course.

I remember you. Yep. And so she comes over and she has like a bow tie necklace later in the movie. Not yet. Throughout most of the movie Franny seems

like a bad person. Likeanny seems like a bad person like she seems like a bad guy trying to like get this kid to cheat for her but apparently that's her way of saying I love you cause when they first show up she's there to be tutored and yet she's like hey why don't we go in the pool

rip off clothes bathing suit and the kid's like I don't know if I should. And then he, like, runs away and has, like, the best gay freakout I've ever seen. Like, I've been in a theater department. I know a lot of homosexual dudes.

I've never seen a freakout this good. It was amazing. And it was like, hold up. There's no way this kid's straight. And I thought that was the twist in the movie. Like, at the end, when the cat came and, like, fixed all their lives way this kid's straight. And I thought that was going to be like the twist in the movie. Like, at the end when the cat came and fixed all their lives, this kid was going to admit that he was gay. I thought that was going to be it. And I was like, that's a

really great story. Nope. Nope. They didn't dare go that deep. It was like, look, the kid just can't be around women. It was like he actually expected to tutor her. Right? And then she's like, I don't want tutoring. I want a different kind of tutoring.

He's just like, what do you mean? He's like, can we go in the pool? And I was like, damn. Turns out the entire time she, I guess, knew all the material and just wanted to hang out with the kid. I guess that was her like. Yeah. She wanted to go swimming. Yeah.

Really, she just wanted his pool. But up until that point, he is just freaking out about dealing with this girl. And she seems like the bad guy who's like, you know what? You can read all that stuff for me. I don't need to know it. She has a line where they're like, do you know, have you read Hamlet? And she's like, is that about ham? Do you know, have you read Hamlet?

And she's like, is that about ham? Right? She's pretending to be dumb by going full retard. And so, I, God. So, I don't want to, we're going to end up spoiling it anyway. But after the cat works his magic, the big payoff at the end is that. There's no big plot to spoil, really. Well, Well at the end for Franny and this other kid I don't know his name really we don't know any character names except for Franny

Because that's the only what we cared about because we were like who is this girl? So Franny this boy the boy finally because at one point the other family has a son who's really good at swimming Right and the boy you find out can't swim and so of course The one really buff macho Dude from the other family teaches This boy how to swim and at that point When they're swimming together and like playing I was like This is it this is when we find out that he's gay and they Love each other wonderful

Good story arc right no not at all The boy like teaches him how to swim And then he gets in the water with Franny They just like cheer and then he like goes away Yeah and so He teaches him how to swim And then he gets in the water with Franny. They just, like, cheer, and then he, like, goes away. Yeah. And so he teaches him how to swim, and the kid's like, all right, I'm going to swim with you, Franny. And they get in the pool, and then it's literally, like, a minute-long montage of them splashing each other and Franny twirling in her bikini. And we're like, kiss!

Just kiss her! Where's the payoff? Kiss her! And nothing happens. They just keep twirling in the pool like we're in the pool, yay! Like, the entire room of people is freaking out. Like, where's the payoff?

And so that's that family. The other family, mind you, there's a talking cat in all of this. That's what ties it all together. Of course. There's a talking cat in all of this. That's what ties it all together. Of course.

The other family is a mom who I believe is a former porn star. Like, it is a fact. She was in, like, a movie called Alice in, like, XXX Wonderland or something. Great role model. And her kids are an incredibly bitchy daughter who is unnecessarily mean to her brother. And a brother who is really moody for being an incredibly good looking handyman sports star. It makes no sense. The daughter is like really into computers. And yet she uses a MacBook that's held together by a piece of tape.

Yeah. But the tape is to cover up the Apple logo. Of course, of course. And so she's sitting there, like, the entire time, and she's made, like, algorithms and programs and things like that. And so she doesn't want to help the family, and the brother's always helping the family because he's a really good guy. And so the sister's like, you're a dummy. And the brother's like, well, I just want to help out. And she's like,

shut up, idiot. And he's like, you're the idiot. It's very good dialogue. And then she's just like, shut up, loser. And she walks away, and the mother's like, why don't you go talk to your sister? The best part is, there's literally scenes where they wake up, and the brother's eating breakfast, and the sister walks by

and just goes like, hey, idiot. And just walks away. And it's like, why are you so mean to him? And the brother, like, the brother's eating breakfast, and the sister walks by and just goes, like, hey, idiot, and just walks away. And it's like, why are you so mean to him? And the brother, meanwhile, instead of doing anything, I don't know if they ever go to school or what they do. But it's clearly during school time. But the brother spends, because, you know, the tutor situation in the other house. But the brother spends all of his time outside fixing their fence. Like, he doesn't do anything. She's like, the fence needs fixing.

Or I need to go bake. And the brother's like, the fence needs fixing or I need to go bake. And the brother's like, I'll help you load stuff in the car. It's like, does this kid do anything? I don't know. So this whole family's like dysfunctional and the mom wants to be a chef or like a caterer or something. And so she's trying to finagle her way into like the catering world and she makes really great cheese puffs. That was one thing about this movie that you needed to understand. She makes the best

effing cheese puffs in the world. But they're like the cheese puffs. They're not like Cheetos or something. They're like these actual things. Yeah. And then she tells the daughter to make them. And the daughter, everyone in the family can make them. Everyone knows how.

They're her famous secret cheese puffs that everyone knows how to make. So, of course, this family ties into the other family because they need the other family. Apparently, the super rich family can help this family. I guess that's the moral of the story. I don't know what, again, I don't know what's happening. But the dad They bond. They bond over like, uh, what's that guy's

name? Some like singer. Oh, um He's like, uh Oh my god, was it Sinatra? Was it Sinatra? No It was more random than that. Was it Bing Crosby? It was some old school movie television, but

singer as well. And so, they loved his movies, and so the dad from the other family, he decides, I'm gonna do something with my life. Today is the start of a new day, because Duffy tells him to get off his ass and, like, go for a walk. And so, rather than thinking he's

crazy because he talked to a cat, he's like, cat and he goes he goes like going to walk and of course while on his walk in what may be the most mysterious locale ever because the one family lives in the middle of a forest and the other family lives on like a tropical island yet somehow they're all connected and so the dad goes for a walk. He's like, oh my goodness. And he goes and he meets this woman and they like fall in love because they're like the same song guy, song guy. And that's how they get connected. Well, the daughter finds out that this guy is that rich media mogul guy who knows all about computers. And she's like, I can present to him my formula or whatever. Program.

Turns out the program, by the way, is basically something that if you scan all your articles of clothing, it'll tell you what best matches and what to wear. That's what she's wasted all her time and energy on. A program where if you scan it with, by the way, the barcode scanner that they found is basically like one of those reading lights.

And every time they just move it over something, the background's like, beep. That girl's probably a genius. She didn't have anything, so she took her book light and she turned it into a scanner. The entire time. Like, all of it fits together. Like, they use that scanner at the end

to get the kid all dressed up so he can go meet Franny and pressure. So the girl meets the dad guy and they're like, oh yeah, we'll totally help you. And the brother, of course, the cat tells him, you know, like, you're destined for better things. His better thing was helping the one boy learn how to

swim. So the cat talks to everyone except for the mom who ends up yelling at all of them. And then the cat gets run over by a car. Which they foreshadowed. Yes, because the car almost hit the old man while he was walking down the road. Brilliant writing.

And they're like, oh, that crazy man in his car. And the cat is injured. And when they go to see the cat who's injured, because the vet's like, we've done all we can for him. The cat is literally laying there with just, like, a bandage wrapped around his head. It's not hurt at all. They took the, like, gauze wrap or whatever it is.

They literally just, like, laid a strand of it over his head. And he's, like, playing with it. And they just filmed that. It's amazing. It's not even wrapped. You're right. It's just laying on his head. And the cat's just, like like rolling around on the bed and the drunk guy doing the voiceover is like

This is the best scene And then they're all like, oh my god Duffy you look so bad It's like no he doesn't look like he's playing with a bandage He's like a cat And so then the only way they can save him is to go get a magical collar sitting in a rock in the middle of the woods. And so, of course, they're like, we've got to work together, family. So the entire family works together. Meanwhile, remember, this is an 88-minute long movie.

It is not that long, and it feels like it goes on for an eternity. There were moments where we said, look, we're going to give it five more minutes. And then something insane happens. We're like, we're gonna give it five more minutes, and then something insane happens We're like we're in we're in yeah like we were gonna shut it off after a little bit And then we were like oh my god the cat started talking and then After like a little bit more it was like down to a minute We're like we give it we're giving this one more minute And then the cat's mouth started moving and that's what he started talking to the people were like holy shit

And then that just kept getting better and better and better. New things would happen and at one point I swear to god there were people in the room who were like, just turn it off! We should walk away! Just turn it off! And we're like, no, no. We're in too deep now. We have 15 minutes left of this movie. We need to see how it ends.

We passed the halfway point. We're just like you're in it now. There's no going back. It is horrible. And so they go off into the woods on this scavenger hunt to find this magical collar that looks like just some hemp-weaved collar they bought down on Venice Beach. And they place it on Duffy, and he magically grows, and the bandage disappears. And he's like, I'm good now. And he thanks them and then i guess he decides to live with them and he's like everything worked out okay

oh by the way you can see the laser pointer they used to move the cat around the production values were amazing it most of the scenes there were cat treats left behind from where the cat was standing or when the cat had to move the laser pointer would always move ahead of him. And all the cut scenes in between, like the transition scenes were the same. Oh my god. Occasionally flipped. You know it's a great movie. It's on Birdemic levels of amazing because I swear to god there's a 10minute scene of a car driving through mountains for no reason.

It just keeps going. You even joked about it. You're like, we just need a scene where the car is driving for 10 minutes. And they show the car, and it's just driving. I was like, this isn't a great movie until there's a scene where the car is just driving and just wasting screen time. Because they had to make it feature length. And so they just had to run out the clock. And they're like, what can we do?

Have them drive somewhere. So there's just a scene of a car driving through the mountains for like 10 minutes. It's just like the beginning of Birdemic where there's a car driving for no reason. It's amazing. This film is a masterpiece. You can go watch it on Netflix if you want. The best part is when you

watch it, you'll be like, this had to have been made like 10 years ago. It came out this year. It came out this year. Like a month ago. Came out like a month ago. It's amazing. Look, it's on Netflix. Just go watch it if you have it.

It is the best thing you will see. Get your friends, get some beers, and watch this thing. You will have the best night. We tried. We tried tweeting Franny. We did. She's... I don't know what happened to her. We made hashtag team Franny. We love you, Franny. You're the best. Everyone else in that movie,

we don't care about. Although the other girl, much more attractive than Franny, I'll say, but it was her first time acting, so we can't give her a fan club yet. Yeah, exactly. Franny, though, has been in magazines and feature films. So she's pretty impressive. She's going places. We love Franny.

Franny is the best. Yeah. So Team Franny. Hashtag Team Franny. Her name is Allison Seeky. Allison Seeky. Come on our podcast. Is her name, like, Sneaky Seeky?

Is that her Twitter name? Her Twitter is Sneaky Seeky like Sneaky Seeky? Is that her Twitter name? Her Twitter is Sneaky Seeky. Sneaky Seeky. She hasn't tweeted since January 2nd, but when she comes back, she's going to be like, what? Yeah. I'm pretty sure she's never coming back. She watched that movie and then threw herself from a cliff. And as she fell, the cat was like,

Oh, you shouldn't have done that. Duffy little cat. I'm Duffy. I'm a cat. The best part is at the beginning of the movie, he's like, There's a lot of things you know about humans. This is a story about me not understanding them. For some reason, I've decided I got those families together.

It's amazing. We've literally wasted almost this entire episode talking about that movie. Time well wasted. Time well wasted. Time well wasted. Not wasted at all. Oh, my God. All right, well, let's go to Chopped. It's time for the Sky with Grendor.

Grendor, how's that traffic out there? Today the traffic is looking, I don't really know, because I've just been watching a talking cat up in my helicopter. This movie truly is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I think you should all go watch it. Back to you. Thanks, Crandor. Now let's go over to Crandor to the weather desk.

Crandor, how's that weather? This week's weather pattern looks like an eye. Oh, my God. Illuminati, man, Illuminati. It is. They're watching. They're taking over the weather. The Weatherati.

The Weatherati. The weather-ati. Let's go to, I'm going to type in Duffy. There's got to be a Duffy somewhere. Duffy's Golf Center, Florida. That's right. Perfect. There it is. In Duffy's Golf Center, Florida, it feels like 74 degrees, 59% humidity.

The golf index is a 10, which is excellent. I don't know what that means exactly. How can you qualify that as excellent? It just means that the weather there is so amazing that it can't be any better for golf. And if you want to play today, it's $28. 18 holes, 59 pars. There's 15 tee holes, 59 pars, there's 15 T stations. 59 pars!

Yep, yep, that sounds about right. 59 pars. Go on. And it's located at Port Charlotte. So, if you want to golf with me. If you like golfing with a drunk cat, head on down

to Duffy's. Where, uh, there's a storm coming in, apparently. If you like golfing with a drunk cat, head on down to Duffy's. Mm-hmm. Where there's a storm coming in, apparently. So you got to get your golf in quickly. Yes. Hurry. That's what I learned today. Hurry up and do that.

Yeah. That's the weather. All right. Now let's talk about sports. All right. We got some cool sports news today. It involves the Cubs, my team that likes to lose, that I stopped caring about. So we're going to talk about them.

Yeah. A Chicago Cubs video assistant takes second to David DeJesus in team bunting contest. So they had a bunting contest. Wait. Did a non-professional baseball player come in second in a bunting? The video assistant of the Chicago Cubs beat everyone on the team except for one guy in a bunting contest. For people who aren't aware, everyone should know what bunting is, but can you give a brief explanation for those who don't quite get what that is? So bunting is instead of swinging the bat to hit the ball, you just hold the bat out and then you hit the ball as it comes in.

So it just kind of like hits off the bat and then just like bounces forward a few feet. Right. So you're basically lining up your bat. Think of it like as human pong kind of. The ball's coming at you and you're trying to just hit it, just nudge the ball a little bit. Most of the time, it's a sacrifice. Yeah. And so they say, that's a real headline.

Now, wait a second. Cubs manager Dale Sveum says, simply because his team's video assistant and not an actual player reached the final of the Cubs' 64-person bunting tournament Sunday doesn't mean the team should be embarrassed. I mean, a guy in the Cubs' front office named Nate Holm should be just as skilled of a bunter as anyone invited to play that spring training. That's how he tried to spin it for Paul Sullivan of the Chicago Tribune. Oh, come on, Sviam protested. Whoa, we're really worried about that.

He's a professional player. He played overseas and in college. So pretty much, he's like, this guy played in college, so that's why he beat us. Funny thing is, is that guy sounds much more professional than anyone else on the team. Like, why is that guy in the front office and not actually out on the field? Sign his ass. I don't know. In the front office and not actually out on the field.

Sign his ass. I don't know. And the only guy to beat him was DeJesus, who won the inaugural bunting tournament of 2012. I feel like they don't know what they're doing. It's the Cubs. Welcome to Chicago Cub baseball, where everything that can go wrong goes wrong. Sammy Sosa! Listen, their best chance was with Sammy Sosa back when he was pumping the steroids.

They should have rode it to the World Series. They didn't. It's just sad. That was when that guy, he stuck his hand out to catch the foul ball, and he caught it instead of the Cubs player And the Cubs player's like Look at the guy in the stands He took the ball from me

And everyone's like oh my god Sammy Sosa And then right after that It was literally like 5 outs away from the World Series And then the guy On the Cubs dropped the ball, and then they just fell apart. I feel like this is still deep-seated within you. Like, you're still harboring anger.

Well, from that point, they just, like, went down. That was, like, their best opportunity. That was, like, I waited my whole childhood to, like, witness this. And then it was just disappointment. And there was, like, an old... They showed, like, on the front page of the paper was just disappointment and there's like an old they showed like on the front page of the paper the next day it's just this old lady like that you knew waited her whole life for this moment just crying like on the dugout thing and now she's dead i mean this was like what was this this was like uh it's like nine years ago so she's dead

oh she missed her opportunity. Thanks, cubs. You killed an old lady. I mean, I still have an opportunity to see them win in my lifetime. Oh my god. That might be where we end it. We don't even need a new story. We're already over time.

Out of me. Oh my god. That works for me. All right, guys. That might be where we end it. We don't even need a new story. We're already over time. Oh my God. That works for me. Alright guys, that's it. We wasted all of your time today, but I felt like it was for a good reason. It was. Describe a movie so you don't have to see it, but then ask you to go see it. Yeah. And we learned that Cubs killed an old woman.

They did And are really bad at playing baseball Thanks to Sammy Sosa He does a little heart thing You know He touches his fingers to his lips And then his heart and then his lips again And then his heart and then his lips

And then he does the peace symbol That was his thing We will be back tomorrow Thank you for listening And as always To be continued See ya