Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox n' Crendor: Monday, October 13th 2014

Episode Date: October 13, 2014

In this episode, the boys discover the wonder that is amazon reviews, Crendor "explains" the David Lynch movie Eraserhead, and the RETURN OF FLORIDA MAN!!!

Hello everybody and welcome back to Cox and Crandor in the morning. Morning. Wow, you were too excited for that. Good morning. Either that or you're having a stroke? Is that a cry for help? A little bit. It's a Morse code for

bring back the whales. Uh-huh. I was going to say this entire podcast is a cry for help, but you've proved my point. It is. You've proved my point quite well, thank you very much. So, can I just

say, for the record... That it's Monday. Everybody's going home. Or wait, no, they're going too away from their home. No, maybe you were just trying to be deep. Maybe you were creme deep. You were so deep, you were creme deep, where you were like,

everybody's going home, man. Back to their real homes. Because that's where they spend all their time. More of their lives spent in the cubicle than with their families, man. That's you. You're that guy. That's me. That's what I was.

I knew it. I was creme deep. That was my subconscious. You're so creme deep. All right, continue. I was going to say, I love cookie butter. You love cookie butter. You don't even have a clue.

Before we started this podcast, it was probably a bad decision because now my mouth is all buttery with the cookie butter taste. But, oh, guys. Guys, I went out and I got a loaf of bread. What kind of bread? Cinnamon bread. Oh, yeah. It has a cinnamon swirl in it. That's a good choice. Yeah, I like that kind.

It was a very good choice. I bought it from a real bakery, too. Oh, man. I know. And then, you ready for this? I'm ready. And then, it's a whole loaf, so you have to cut it. Whoa.

So I cut like a big old thick slice. But do you have like a bread knife? Yeah, I have a bread knife with little serrated things and everything. Perfect for cutting bread. It's unlike those, you see those ads in the middle of the night. They're like, can you cut your bread? And it's like a woman mashing a loaf of bread. And like, it doesn't work.

Go watch any infomercial about knives. Like throw it against the wall. Yeah, they're like, I can't figure this bread out. And then they're like, try this new knife. And it like cuts it like a normal person would cut bread. Well, maybe if they can't figure the bread out, they should take the bread to psychology or get to know it better. They could do that, yeah. That's a joke I made.

Oh, I was aware. You tried to. You definitely tried. No, so I cut a big slice of cinnamon swirl bread and toasted it and put Speculus cookie butter on it. Speculus. Still the best thing I've ever had. Shout out to my friend Alex for giving me a jar of it. I assume I could go buy more, but it was free,

and I'm not going to do that. And it's so good. Oh my God. That's from Trader Joe's. I've never had anything quite like this. It is... I've never... I haven't had it melted. It didn't sample it first.

I was told... Uh-huh. Toast some bread. Put it on the bread. It'll blow your mind. It tastes like, I don't know, like a snickerdoodle combined with a cinnamon kiss from your sweetest love. It is so good. There's maybe, like, a hint of apple in there.

I don't even know what. Like, it's so. It's like a splash. It's a splash of syphilis. even know what, like, it's so. Just like a splash. Just a splash of syphilis. You know what? If it's syphilis that I'm eating, syphilis tastes delicious. That's why it's number two in California. It was so good.

I just sat here and was just like, oh, Crandor can verify. I was like, oh, God. It's just so good. It's just so good. You wasn't even forming coherent thoughts. I was just like, oh. Just like, wow. It is liquid crack.

It is so good. Find a Trader Joe's near you. Go there. Buy it. I'm telling you. I'm going to try it now. And you'll come back and you'll say, damn! Why didn't I have that sooner? You can even get it on Amazon, people.

I don't know why you would buy it on Amazon. I wouldn't go that far. I wouldn't do that. But if you have a Trader Joe's... It's not like revolutionary. It's just cookie butter. Someone disagrees with you. What kind of asshole disagrees with me? Who is it? It has a billion five stars and then there's Nick A

who says overrated. My wife and I live just outside Orlando. We were in Sarasota and decided to stop by Trader Joe's as that's the nearest Overrated. we either discovered the purpose of life or found the Fountain of Youth or the Ark of the Covenant. When we got home, she cracked open the jar and immediately stated that our second jar shall remain with us as it was now a rare commodity. I tried a bit on a spoon. It basically tastes like graham crackers.

Mash graham crackers, add water, and use classic-looking fonts. That's it. I really, truly expected to be transported to some other dimension. Uh, to find my inner child laying in a meadow near a brook, spoon in hand, enjoying a jar of cookie butter.

Instead, I was slapped in the face yet again by an Amazon reviewer hyperbole. Cookie butter isn't bad, but if you insist on buying a jar, you're better off getting it from Trader Joe's for a reasonable price. Okay, first off, that guy's an asshole and an idiot. Yeah.

Because cookie butter, everyone who has had cookie butter has told me, don't eat it out of the jar. It's pointless. Put it on something. Let it melt like you would normal peanut butter. Peanut butter out of a jar, I've never – look, people who like – I put peanut butter on my celery sticks. I'm not a fan of – I want my peanut butter melted and nasty. Like, stick to your tongue. Like, roof of your mouth.

Like, oh, it's so good. That's so good. That's how you eat it. That's how you eat cookie butter, too. And this clown, he's like, I opened the jar and immediately stuffed it in my mouth. Slow down. Slow down, Poindexter. Take your time with it.

Cookie butter is like a woman. Cookie Butter is like you got to get her nice and hot, get her ready, then you spread her, and then you go to town. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. That guy's like, I saw it and went straight for it. No, that's not how it's done, man. That's not how it's done.

No wonder it was bad. It always ends up bad that way. I'm still talking about innuendos here that's why you know the jesse cox dating service will be opening soon to help you all that need love if anything if anything i'm here to help guys you get a free jar of cookie butter when you sign up i'm here to help i'm here to help you all because I love you. Mm-hmm. Speaking of help, Amazon,

Amazon Reviews. Yeah. I have been following a Twitter that I think everyone in the world should follow. What? It's called

Amazon Movie Reviews at A-M-Z-N Movie R-E-V-W-S. Ah, yes. Okay. It is

the best. It's basically all the, like, awful reviews on Amazon for movies, just, you know, put in one place for you to read. And, uh, this person says, The Wizard of Oz. Not

happy. Nowhere on the listing did it state that this was a black and white only. I was disappointed that it wasn't in color. For anyone who has seen The Wizard of Oz, you know it eventually becomes color. The whole point is that it's in black and white in the beginning. Yeah, alright. There's

so many good ones. This is my favorite. Five stars for The Nutty Professor 2. It should be for matured adults only. I was very scared when I saw grandma's big tits. You know, it's true and realistic. You actually going to get that if you don't wear a bra to bed

because bra help modeling breasts keep up. Keeping it from getting aged and sagging. But be sure bra is a good bra at your own size. That's that. Why I quickly run and grab my bra. When I saw her saggy breasts, LOL, I ain't lying.

It can be big like that. Ask your doctor or ma old saying from ma always wear a bra to bed. I laugh choking when grandma always talks about sexual jokes. Oh my, how'd she know all that? Was she a nasty like that? Ooh. I wouldn't want to know the answer.

That's why A. Jones. Oh my God. These are amazing. I like the X-Men Days of Future Past. He gave it one star and said, when will I receive the DVD? Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is extremely offensive. I do not understand why this bigoted movie became so popular.

I find it to be extremely offensive. The suggestion that Willy Wonka has midgets as his own personal slaves is horrible. This is a clear exploitation of a genetic disorder and it is disgusting. Not only are they midgets, but they are also orange. This leads me to believe that Wonka would favor the days of slavery when non-whites were put to work on plantations. I have heard that this is a very popular movie among the KKK. What? You sheep are blind and have allowed this racist, bigoted piece of filth to enter your children's minds and make them believe in a world of white supremacy.

Consider yourself warned. This is my... Humberto M. says, on the movie Heaven is for Real, his reply is, more religious than I expected. Who would have thought? In a movie called Evan is Real. Oh, some of these are so good. There's Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. The review is, if I know the film recorded black and white style, I didn't bay it.

I didn't bay it. He didn't bay it. I didn't bay it. He didn't bay it. I didn't bay it. Brave. Here's a review for Brave. One star. This was thrown together and put out to catch it on the popular of the Hunger Games. You can tell because the girl has a bow and arrow.

No thanks. Just kidding. She has a bow and arrow. Amazing. Tangled. I hate it. This is all caps, by the way i hated tangled my son love it i hated it did not stay to the story was about great hair not magic hair hated stories i remember her

love of the prince made him see again disney is flopped to me this might be my favorite one on this entire on this entire tour paul blart mall cop five stars kevin james is a hoot by gene e or 12 feet. Paul Blart Mall Cop. Five stars. Kevin James is a Hoot by Gene E. Leonhard. I like the movie. It just goes to show that fat person can accomplish his goal in life.

That's it. That's it. That's the message I took away from that movie. I mean, that's what I got when I watched it. That's it. That's the message I took away from that movie. I mean, that's what I got when I watched it. Like, wow, fat people really can do things in life. Who would have thought? Who would have thought?

I like this one. Requiem for a Dream, one star poop. Ha! Actually, I didn't see it. The Simpsons came on. How many of these do you think are just troll people? And how many do you think are like actual movies?

From so long ago. There's another podcast. I'll hype them forever. How did this get made? At the end of their podcast when they review bad movies, they go in and they look for the Amazon second opinion reviews. So they'll say this movie sucked, you know, and they'll say whether you should watch it because it sucked or stay away because it really, really sucked.

But at the end they go through and they do the five-star Amazon reviews. And people have asked them, are you sure you're not being trolled? Like people are specifically posting crazy things. And they're like, oh, no, we go back to the oldest ones we can find, ones before our podcast even existed. Oh, wow. And so I feel like that's what, so some of these are from, like, 2010, right? Yeah. It's like, I feel like there are those people that are just, I mean, we've read and seen many crazy people.

So, I mean, to say that there's some crazy people commenting, it's not that far off. Right? I bet a couple of them, you know, are those people we saw in the mall. Like that weird mom with her son. And that one little girl probably wrote a review. That was probably the Tangled review. It was probably the little girl and her mom writing that review. Mm-hmm.

It's possible. I mean, really. It's possible. I mean, really. It's entirely possible. Here's Gravity. Having worked in aerospace for over 45 hours, I just can't live with so many errors in the movie. He has a solid 45 hours. A solid 45 hours. This one for Up says, two stars.

It was very well done, but with the way things are in the world today, I just can't get too excited about a fantasy story. My attention is being drawn to the eternal subjects and my savior, Jesus Christ. Yep. There we go. Oh, by the way, speaking of these movies,

I saw Eraserhead by David Lynch. You have to tell me about it. Speak. Speak on it. Speak on it. Go. First thing is black and white. For everybody that doesn't know, one of David Lynch's first movies, it's black and white, and it's this guy

with this weird hair. It almost looks like him. An eraser head. He has a head of an eraser. He's going through life, and then he so the premise of the movie is there's his girlfriend. You're doing a really awful job telling this story.

So there's this guy and he's going through life and he has a girlfriend. This movie's batshit insane. You can't just say that. You can't start the story with yes, there's this guy and he's going through life. And yes, the girlfriend and then go.

Well, I mean, it's not my fault. The story's insane. That's not you're out here. Tell us the story. Okay, so there's a racer head and you see him and you're like, okay, he's a racer head. And he's just walking around. He's going around the city and's a racer head and he's just walking around he's going around the city and he steps in puddles and he's just going around and then he goes to his girlfriend's house and she's like hey what are you doing and he's like i've been around here

a while and then she's like come on in and her parents are there and they all just like sit around the room and he's just like how are? That's just silent for like 15 seconds. Then the mother of the girl is just like, did you sleep with my daughter? And then Eraserhead just like looks around. He's like, excuse me. And it like keeps pausing for like 10 seconds, making it really awkward. And then all of a sudden the daughter just starts being like, and you're just like, what the shit is going on?

Wait, what? The daughter starts going, ma, ma? Yeah, she starts like coughing or like being like, and she like, like she freaks out when he says something, like for no reason. And she's like, what did you do? And so then the daughter's dad comes in and he's like, oh, how you doing there?

And he starts like just rambling about stuff. And he's like, come help me cut the chickens. And you're just like, OK. And they all like sit around the dinner table and it starts getting like really like sexual references where like he pokes the chicken and the chicken starts, the legs start squirming and blood runs out of it. And then they're just like, you slept with our daughter. And then the mother of the daughter starts making out with him and he's like, please stop, this is uncomfortable.

And then they end up having a baby, but it's a cow baby! And they have to take care of this little calf cow baby. And it keeps crying and his girlfriend who he now married and is his wife she's like i can't handle this and she leaves the apartment and the calf like cow baby thing keeps crying and all this is happening it's just like random things start happening like he sees into the vent like his vent system and there's like a stage and

this woman with big cheeks comes out and starts singing. And like these sperm things start falling from the ceiling and she steps on them. What? Yeah. Have you ever seen Eraserhead? No. I'm literally looking up what does Eraserhead mean right now. The weird part is that it's also, like, it's not a silent film, but it's, for the most part, like, not a lot of talking.

And it's really weird. Apparently, I looked up the meaning of it and everything. David Lynch based it off his life when he was in his late 20s in Philadelphia. Of course he did. Of course he did. And apparently his daughter and ex-wife were not very happy about it. Because

his daughter was like, he thought of me as a cow baby. And his ex-wife was like, he wanted to have an affair. And the like, weird woman on the stage resembled his fantasies. And the cow baby resembled what he despised he

didn't want to have a kid he didn't feel like it was his but it was also his kid and it was attached to him and so when the baby cried he was actually crying inside himself and then it was like his affair they end up it's like they step in a pool and like it's like all tied together. It's just like it's pretty much like his life. Just watch the movie. Just watch it. Apparently people are saying that it is

a crazy dreamscape of David Lynch dealing with his fears of parenthood. Yeah. And everything in it is basically interpretive, I guess, thoughts on being a parent, essentially.

Yeah, a little bit. But it's like everybody has their theories about it, but it's like you have to just see it. You have to just experience the craziness of it. And then they asked Davidid lynch they're like has anybody been right about what it's about he's like i have heard all the theories and none of them were correct and then can we just can we just take a moment to appreciate this is the man who literally says things like brain ideas come from mind fish that pluck the seeds of the tree of knowledge.

Like electric lightning bolts, ideas form in brain TVs that the mind fish watch and lay their eggs of knowledge. Like crazy shit comes out of this man's mouth. I just want people to be aware. Grendor's trying to justify everything in this. He's a crazy person. Okay. He may be a crazy person. But he's a smart crazy person.

I don't know that that's true. I watched a video where a bunch of rabbits were in a room and it was making like ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's a laugh track portraying the sitcom television shows and some

other stuff. But with rabbits. With rabbits. In a blood red room. That makes no sense. He had a thing where they were like David Lynch how do you come up with your ideas? And this time, instead of the brain fish, he was like, I like to think in my mind there are rooms all around me. And sometimes I'll open the door to a room and just listen. Just listen to what go in that in our brain, these rooms will lead to other rooms. And some of them require deeper thought on a meditative state so that if we're in a deeper train of thought, we get deeper ideas in the knowledge pool in our mind.

And the guy was like, whoa, that is so cool. And he's like, so what do you think about that? And he was like, what do you think about that? And everyone was like, whoa. Yep, that sounds about right. He also made the clown music video. Remember that one? I do.

Clown, crazy clown party or whatever. Just look up David Lynch Crazy Clown. Insane Clown Posse? Insane Clown. No, Crazy Clown Party. And then he's just like, Jenny has a red shirt. Billy plays football.

And it's a song. Just go look it up. Yep. That is what it is. David Lynch. Master genius of our time. Yep. That is what it is. David Lynch. David Lynch. Master genius of our time. I'm just still looking at all these things online,

and they make just as little sense as me saying, let's go to Crandor on this day. I'm trapped down in something. Crandor, how's that traffic out there? Oh, I don't even know how the traffic is today because I've been so busy in a meditative state Thinking of new ideas for the chapter captor up here It's getting kind of old and rusty

I'm going to have to, you know, maybe upgrade the chapter captor at some point I've been thinking about it And it seems like the best point of action Also, down on the street I see David Lynch has given a speech to Jason Goat says And, uh, and Emma. Emma, no last name. Also, I see Rise Happily Wire down there.

I think they're all getting inspired by David Lynch. I'll go back to you. Thanks, Crendor. Now let's go over to Crendor at the sports desk. Actually, maybe it's weather. Look, I don't freaking know. I'm at both desks right now. A desk. How is that possible, Crendor. Now let's go to Crendor at the sports desk. Actually, maybe it's weather. Look, I don't freaking know. I'm at both desks right now. How's that possible, Crendor?

Let's go to Crendor at the weather desk. How's that weather? It's crazy right now. It's raining at the Miami Dolphins game. I mean, uh... What? Oh, no, I was trying to be like I'm at both desks, you know? You know? You know what? I liked you better when you didn't try.

That's true. I should stop trying. I'm already breaking my own rule. Uh-huh. I feel ashamed in that. I'm gonna make you break your one rule. What was that? I forgot what the Joker sounded like in Dark Knight.

So I just went with the voice that sounded in my brain similar, but I forgot what he sounded like. Oh. So I just went with the voice that sounded in my brain similar, but I forgot what he sounded like. Oh. So I just... That was you trying as well. You need to stop trying. We've learned valuable lessons here today. Alright, let's head to David, Kentucky

in honor of David Lynch. David, Kentucky. Today in David, Kentucky, it's gonna be 62 degrees Fahrenheit. Locations nearby are reporting rain. Winds at south by southwest at 5 miles per hour, 98% humidity. UV index is going to be low. And over the next six hours, we have some widespread showers and thunderstorms developing by mid-morning.

Don't worry, though. If you're trying to get to your school or work location, you're going to get there fine. Because it's going to be mostly cloudy with temperatures slowly falling to near 61 degrees. For all you people, go ahead and head out to the sports festival or the rock show. Then the winds are going to get light and variable. 90% chance

of rain. Back to you. The sports festival? Sports festival. Is that a real thing in David, Kentucky right now? Yeah, it's in David, Kentucky. I can't talk either. See, I just stopped trying. That's what it's all about.

That's why I was able to do that weather so well. That works. That works. Speaking of weather, so people probably have been wondering, Jesse, what have you been doing the last couple weeks? I've been making a show, a show on Geek & Sundry, and it's going to be great, but it's a lot of hard work and a lot of hours.

And then today, I just, well, I guess yesterday now, just filmed another episode of Tabletop, which is coming shortly to Geek and Sundry. But anyway, getting to the weather, while I was there, there was like, I guess, a cook of some sort, like, you know, catering dude. Yeah. And he was cooking, but I didn't know he was cooking. Like, he was grilling something. And so the entire time we were filming,

I kept hearing what sounded like rain, and it freaked me out. And I was just like, what? Oh, my God, is it raining in LA? Oh, this is insane. Cool. No, it was just some guy grilling something that was sizzling. That's it.

That's my story. Wait. It sounded. It sounded like rain? Yes, it sounded like rain. How does a grill sound like rain? Because I guess it was greasy. It was like, yes.

And imagine that. Imagine that down a hallway sounding like it was pattering on the window. But a grill's not going to patter on the window. But a grill's not gonna patter on the window. It sounded, look! You weren't there! You don't know what it sounded like or didn't sound like, so you're gonna trust me on this. It sounded like it was raining. I mean, if I was there, I would've been like,

you know what, that sounds like a grill. You know what, shut up. Let's go to sports. Hey, welcome to sports. How you doing? I'm doing great. How's sports doing? Good. Sports is doing pretty well.

You know what? I'm pretty interested in the croquet league again. Uh-huh. Are we going to look up croquet and find nothing again? You never know. Today in croquet news, Southport win Northwest Short Croquet League. Whoa, Southport won? Oh, my God.

There's this old lady playing croquet. You're so excited. Like, old people doing something. That's crazy. Oh, my God. Look at these old people. I'm going to send you these two pictures. Look at these old people.

Southport 10, Chester 6. In their last league match of the season, Victoria Park on Saturday, Southport's short croquet team ended a sparkling season by snatching the league title from last year's champions, Chester, in a tense series

of games. Short croquet is played by teams of four. All play on a half-sized lawn last year was a disaster for southport who finished seventh in the league but following a season of careful training and selection they enjoyed a successful summer beating every team in the northwest league they're all like 85 they are i just picture like they really turn the team around. Like, they have a draft and everything. Like, once you hit 80, you can enter the croquet league. The draft, the reason why they could draft this year is because three of their team members died.

We got a few open slots. Let's go get them. They have the, like, they have the draft at, like, a buffet. At Cracker Barrel. Cracker Barrel. Cracker Barrel. At 5 Barrel. Cracker Barrel. At 5am on a Sunday. And with the first pick in the Croquet League

draft, we select Old Man Jenkins. Oh! I'm so excited! Oh, I'm gonna get it in whatever the objective of this sport is, because I don't know! And that will conclude this year's draft of the Croquet League. I'm going to get it in whatever the objective of this sport is because I don't know.

And that will conclude this year's draft of the croquet league. There's one guy. And they got a buffet. Listen, I'd join the croquet league. You know how intense that must have been? It says last year was a disaster. To accept his position? What if they have, like, legit positions

in croquet? I don't know. I have no clue. Uh, ignore it. Let's see. Hold on, I gotta read this. With Southport leading 9-3, it was something of an anti-climax when Southport gained yet another win, but Chester was allowed to salvage some pride and give the match

to Southport with a score of 10-6. Then, gracious in defeat, Chester helped Southport celebrate in the traditional manner. Southport's non-playing team captain, Carol Lewis, summed it up. I am so delighted for this team, who have played well all season and really deserved the win today. That's, uh... So basically, even when you're 85, you say the exact same thing every coach ever says. You do. It's like, you know, we went out there, we got some points, we made some plays, big-time plays.

We avoided giving the other team the opportunity on the turnovers. I'm so thankful. I thank my Savior, Jesus Christ, for helping me through this. I thank my mom and dad for raising me to have the skills. I thank them all. I definitely got to have the skills. thank them all. Definitely gotta thank my trainers. They're the ones

who helped me through this through the dark times when my knee was busted. And, gotta thank my kids because without their, you know, coming home

and seeing them every day, seeing their smiley faces, I wouldn't be able to pull through this. Yeah. And, most of all, you know, I gotta thank my teammates for just helping me, you know,

it's emotional out there, man. It's all good, dog. It's all good. Let's hug, bro. Hug, bro. Just want to thank everyone, all the fans out there. We love you. Without your support, we wouldn't have happened.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much. And that is every sporting event and or, dare I say, music award show ever. It is. It's almost like they're saying it because they feel like people want to hear that. Yes. It's almost like they're saying it because that's the thing everyone else says. Spoiler.

Look, I'm going to go on a limb. Actually, you know what? This is a hope. It's not really on a limb. going to go out on a limb. Actually, you know what? This is a hope. It's not really out on a limb. You're not even out on a limb. My hope is that if there is an omnipotent God looking down upon all of us, watching us, all of our triumphs and defeats, he gives zero shits about you scoring the winning touchdown. And instead, like, have you seen Africa? I got to handle that.

I don't have time to deal with you. That's what I always thought. Like, if there was a God, why would he be like, oh, man, my team won the Super Bowl. Like, wouldn't he be like, look, the people I created to help other people and do stuff are, like, hitting each other like idiots or, like, running people I created to help other people and do stuff are, like, hitting each other like idiots. Or, like, running around with a ball.

Plus, they chose Sunday. Unless you're Jewish, in which case it's Saturday. But they still play football on Saturday. They still play football on Saturday. Oh, religion got screwed. Sorry, religion. Football is in charge now. Yep, football is in charge now. Football is back. Ball's in charge now.

Football's back. Speaking of which, Packers won final play of the game, beat the Miami Dolphins. Take that, Florida. All right. That's sports. All right, let's get on to our big news story of the day. All right, speaking of Florida, we're going back to Florida. Oh, yeah We got some crazy. It's been a while since we've done, Florida. Let's go back. Yes, so are we doing a reading a visit from?

Florida man we are all right. Let's do it here. We go up this uh this is just an arrest Oh here. We go, New Hampshire man has Patriots helmet tattooed on head, moves to Florida, is soon arrested. New Hampshire man thought he could go to Florida? This is Florida man's territory. Go back whence thou came. Look how crazy this guy is. Hold on, I gotta show you that. Look how crazy he is. His eyes are like bulging out of his head.

this guy is. Hold on, I gotta show you that. Look how crazy he is. His eyes are like bulging out of his head. And he's got the Patriots tattooed on the side. And then the Super Bowl trophy on the top. He's bald. Look at it. I think even he's shocked he got that put on his head.

I think he is. He's like, I can't believe I did that. Here's my question. What tattoo artist would have, you know what, never mind. No tattoo artist did this. Look at the trophy on his head. It is so crooked. It is so crooked.

I feel like he got that while in jail. I don't understand. He has signatures on his head and then NFL logo. I on what i don't know what i don't get it i don't i don't get it i don't get it either uh that's so weird the best part is it's like he is that his hair or is that did he try to dye his head blue did the man try to dye his head blue i Did the man try to dye his head blue? I mean, he's committed. He's committed to the Patriots.

Well, the rest of his head has blue in it. So why is the rest not blue? The logo is blue, right? So he has a full... Oh my god. I just realized that he has the Patriot... Or not the Patriot, but the helmet logo on the front of his head. What? Oh my god, he does.

Not even, like, it has nothing to do with it. It's just, that's what's on the front of a helmet, so that's what he put on the front of his head. That, he belongs in Florida. I'm glad he moved from New Hampshire. I'm glad he moved from New Hampshire. I'm willing to question whether he was actually from Florida from the beginning. I imagine he went to New Hampshire, but he was born in Florida. He screams of a Florida birth. He really does.

I don't know what to use for the image for this episode. There's clearly a precedent to use the old people because it's very funny looking. But this guy may win. This guy may win may win i mean this guy you can't imagine old people you can imagine like old people like i'm playing a game right you can imagine that yeah this guy you can't imagine this as a human being if you want to imagine someone who is croquet just go to like old country buffet yeah just go watch old people swing sticks that That's pretty much what you're going to get. This guy tattooed a helmet on his head

and then moved to Florida and got, what did he get arrested for? He was arrested for, wait, oh yeah, did it say? Hold on, let me see here. Football fan

with a Tom Brady helmet tattooed across his head is locked up in a Florida jail following his arrest on a narcotics charge. Of course. A possession of synthetic marijuana.

Of course. And when questioned by police, Thompson said that he purchased the Master Kush Spice from a black male for $15 at a downtown park. I'm sorry, what was that called? Master Kush? Master Kush Spice. downtown park i'm sorry what was that called master kush master kush spites master kush i laughed so hard i farted Master Kush. It sounds like... There's a guy here I've never seen. If I ever heard one, they call me Master Kush. It's like the trainer of all the people learning karate.

I am a Master Kush. Master Kush. That's what it is. He has a full name. Master Kush. That's what it is. He has a full name. Master Kush Spice. Master Kush Spice. Master Kush Spice. Master Kush Spice.

That's his name. Master Kush. Who names their, who gives their drug a title? It's like this is Master kush you know who does the guy who thinks he's tom brady that's who does who gives who gives their drug a title seriously duane Dwayne Wright in the comments says, what a shocker. People with tattoos on their head are usually such an upstanding member of society. Master Kush.

Oh, my God. Let's do one more Florida story. What else we got? I don't know if anything can top that. I don't know if anything can top that. Really, there's just some more basic ones florida man says he only survived axe attack by drunk stripper because her coordination was terrible wait wait wait uh-huh what so wait a man why does the stripper have an axe that's a good

question uh all right that's a good one then A drunk stripper attacked her boyfriend with an axe at a hotel before the man managed to get the weapon away and call the police. Tammy Heiser, 34, was busted at a Days Inn in Daytona Beach early Monday. Look, I don't want to have to point this out, but if your name is Tammy and you live in Florida, the chances of you being a stripper are very high. Very high. Like, I'd put it at least 95%.

Oh, 99%. If you're a Tammy and you live anywhere near Florida, especially in the panhandle, you are probably a stripper. Most likely. I don't... Obviously, there are some cases where you're not, and you're one of the lucky ones. But the majority of the people living in Florida

named Tammy are strippers, hands down. And your name probably is now Cinnamon or Snow or Ice or Diamond or Jade. Yeah, something like that. But your real name is Tammy and we all know it. So keep up the good work, Tammy. Yeah, keep up the good work. Uh, let's

see. She tried to hack Andrew Whitaker, 28, to death during a fight over her drinking. Don't tell me what to do. I'll drink if I want to. Where's my ex? My ex. I'll kill you.

Baby, you should probably stop. It makes the demons go away. I'll kill you. I will. I'll do it. I don't really think. I like how in this scenario, I'm making the guy who was probably just as drunk. Really, the conversation would be like, baby, give me that last beer, bitch.

I'll kill you. I'll kill you. I hate you, Andrew Whitaker. Did you? You just call me. You just call me a dimwit. That's what I said. I said you're dumb.

I said you're a Whitaker dummy. That's what I said. Where'd my beer go? I drank your beer. Don't make me get my ax. Hey, you better not get that. You get my beer. I'm getting it.

Get my beer instead. I don't want no ax. I'm going to get it. I don't want no ax unless you get me some body spray. I'll kill you. That ain't no ax body spray. I'll kill you. I'll kill you. Hey, don't touch me. I'll kill you. Body spray. I'll kill you. That ain't no eggs body spray. I'll kill you. I'll kill you.

Hey, don't touch me. I'll do it. Don't touch me. I'll do it. Don't do it. It's my beer. I drank it. Screw you.

What? Whoa. Here I go. I'm getting you. I'm getting you. I'm getting you. I'll teach you to attack me. You're attacking me 10 feet away.

That's not even close. You're attacking my life feet away. That's not even close. You're attacking my life. I hate you. You're hitting the wall. I hate you. You're attacking the wall with the axe. I hate you. I hate this motel.

This is a shitty motel. We should have stayed at Motel 6. I'm going to go buy some beer. Watch the Jaguars. Okay, bring me back some. I'm going to need to drink after watching them Jaguars. Okay, bring me back some. I'm going to need to drink after watching them Jaguars, their own six, you know what I'm saying? And scene. That's what happened.

That's what happened. We cracked the case. We're like Sherlock where we see it in our mind's eye. We know what happened. Actual Andrew Whitaker said she's an entertainer, a dancer, and that is where the problem is because she drinks and drinks at work. There it is. I mean, yeah, no, that's definitely the problem. Not the years before that that caused her to become one.

Yeah, that wasn't. That didn't do it. No, and definitely choosing a man who she gets so violent against, she has to wield an axe. Yeah, no, definitely everything is working out real great in that relationship. You two should stay together. Wait. Who wrote in the New York Daily News, Whitaker had picked up

Heiser from Biggins, a Daytona Beach Shore's jiggle joint? A jiggle joint? Oh, man. Now, why isn't there a place called the jiggle joint? I don't know. It should be the jiggle joint a place called the Jiggle Joint? I don't know. It should be.

It should be the Jiggle Joint. Welcome to the Jiggle Joint. Oh, man. I like how you're just like, I don't even know. You're becoming like me, where you're just like, I don't even care anymore. I don't even care anymore. We're going to hell. We're all, society is screwed.

Society is screwed. Uh-huh. She swung an ax. She missed. He said her coordination was terrible, so she was just slushing around, he told the Orlando Sentinel. Just slushing around. That's like our podcast, just slushing around. We just slush around.

Oh, just slushing. Anyway, guys, that's it. Thank you for listening. We will be back tomorrow with another episode. And, as always, to be continued.