Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox n' Crendor: Monday, October 6th 2014

Episode Date: October 6, 2014

Crendor analyzes Jesse's dreams and they learn about a friends fear of bananas. Also Crendor breaks out his funniest Ditka yet, and the boys learn about swingin' sexy christian body builders.

Hello everybody and welcome back to Cox and Crandall's Up and up, next Crendor in the morning! Up and up, next Crendor in the morning! Hello everybody and welcome back to Cox and Crendor in the morning. It's morning. It's Crendor. It's Cox. It's time. For what? I don't know. I just wanted to see how long you were going to go. That's, that's a rhyme. We rhymed at the beginning there. We're very good at rhymes. I learned that from Saints Row. That's all I know.

To the rodeo. I know. That sweet, sweet flow. So sit down for the show. And before you go. Say hello. To us tomorrow. Bye, everybody.

That's it. We're done. We're done. We did it. Faux show. Yeah, we did it. That's all there is to it. We're done. We did it. Faux show. Yeah, we did it. That's all there is to it. I would rank that start at least like a 7 out of 15.

Oh, it got a 20. 7 out of 20. That is a solid 3.5 out of 10. Yeah. That was a pretty 3.5 out of 10 intro. I didn't think it was too bad, but if we're going to start reviewing our intros, I'd say that was a solid 3.5 out of 10 intro. I didn't think it was too bad, but if we're going to start reviewing our intros, I'd say that was a solid 3.5. Let's not ever review any of these things that we do.

I feel like we shouldn't look back on them. Never. Never look back. Always stay looking straight ahead. Don't question anything, and listen to your parents. Speaking of back, my butt itches so badly unless your parents are evil why is your why is that i don't know i don't know my butt just itches

i think you might have uh syphilis no i think it's this new underwear i got new underwear why just it's just because i needed it because i my other underwear, I was like, I want new underwear. Whoa. And then you just went and got some? Yes. That's how adults work. When you want something or need something, you go get it. I notice I get really excited over adult things now.

I'm going to buy a vacuum. Not like adult. Like adult.'m gonna buy a vacuum not like adult like adult like adult that's where I thought you were going I get really assaulted I get really assaulted I get really assaulted over adult things

what apparently I meant to say excited but assaulted came out Oh you get really assaulted I don't know what's happening My throat is My voice is gone I spent all weekend recording stuff

I can't even I don't know what's going on right now You can't even create sentences I'm so just done I'm just done with life at the moment If I could take a break, I would. Except this week is so freaking bonkers, you have no clue. I don't know

what I'm... I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do. I have so much stuff happening. Yeah, you have so much stuff happening that if you were to eat at Subway, you wouldn't be able to order. I wish I could. I would love to eat at Subway.

Yeah. Today, let me tell you what I Eat at Subway. I wish I could. I would love to eat at Subway. Yeah. It is today. Let me tell you what I had today. I woke up. I got coffee. Then I went and I made a quesadilla. Quesadilla?

Look, I'm on a quesadilla kick. I haven't eaten these things for like a month. I made a quesadilla. Quesadilla? Because, look, I'm on a quesadilla kick. I've been eating these things for like a month. So I made a quesadilla for lunch. It had cheese and hot sauce in it, and that was literally it. It was so good. That sounds pretty good. And then later in the day I had a piece of toast with Speculoos cookie butter on it, which was delicious. Oh, yeah, the cookie butter. The cookie butter is so good.

And then I went and got a Rockstar Energy, because I thought, you know, God, I gotta work. I gotta work so hard. And my plan was to get dinner. And then the next thing I know, I looked at the clock, and it was like 10.35 at night.

And I was like, well, eating now seems kind of dumb. So I am very hungry, but I'm just going to go to bed and then wake up in the morning and eat. That's where I'm at in life. That sounds like something I wouldn't do. Look, I understand, but I just... If I eat and then go to bed, I will just have to wake up and poop or something, or I'll get sick.

Look, every time I eat before I go to bed, I have a wild dream, and I'm not in the mood. Well, what if you had a wild dream, then couldn't you tell everyone about it? It'd be good entertainment. No, no, no. It's not. Last time I ate before I went to bed, I had a dream about

a guy running around ripping people's faces off. Ripping their faces off. What does that mean? Usually dreams have a meaning. This was about a man ripping faces off. That means he played too much Outlast. Like, he would run around and just

rip faces off it was like oh okay this is a dream i'm having definitely not weird is that around the same time you had the air horn dream i have a lot i don't know i don't remember any of my dreams i'll remember bits and pieces dream what was the air on the podcast what do you remember i don't remember what you're talking about the air horn dream was like i don't remember that dream how do you not remember that dream this is a dream how do i remember your dream and you don't remember your dream you're very invested in my life i'm very invested in dreams you had the air horn dream it was like and you're like the only thing happening in the dream was air horns and that's all you were doing the one day was air horn sounds.

I don't remember that. But then again, I don't remember most. The only dreams I remember are the ones that are really, really weird or shocking. I remember one time when I was in high school. I think I mentioned this before. I had a dream where I was walking down the street and I had a jacket on, a new jacket, and these gang members came out of nowhere. Mind you, there were no gang members in

my town. None. But apparently in my mind, there were hardcore gang members, and so they were like, give us that cool jacket. And I was like, no, it's my jacket. And they pulled out knives, because, you know, they walk around with switchblades, apparently, and they start stabbing me in the gut to take my jacket.

And I woke up with a stomachache. It blew my mind. I was like, what? So, yeah. There's two theories. Either the stomachache caused your dream or the dream caused your stomachache. Caused the stomachache. Yeah, one of the two.

And I don't – I think it has to do with my my i think a lot of people have this when i eat pizza before i go to bed i have really vivid dreams interesting so if i eat pizza late at night i get vivid dreams but if i eat during the day time i'm fine well is there like and and that's not i mean like any food late at night gives me crazy dreams, but pizza, the dreams are like insane dreams. Like one time, I remember I had a pepperoni pizza. The dream I had was of myself and my friends at a mall, except none of them had faces, and an alien with the head of an alien in the body of Britney Spears. Mind you, this was a few years back.

alien in the body of Britney Spears. Mind you, this was a few years back. The body of Britney Spears kidnapped me and tried to torture me by having sex with me. And I didn't want to because it had an alien face and it weirded me out. And then my friends with no faces came in and held me down and

made me. That's the dream. That's the dream that I have. Yes, I don't want dreams like that. That's so weird Now I know why you are the way you are What? I don't know, I was just saying that Because I thought it would be funny

99% of the time I don't dream at all Like I'll go to bed and just wake up Or at least I don't remember it But every time I eat before I go to bed Always Always I know I dreamt. Dreamt. While we were talking about this, I found an article called,

Does Sleeping Before Bed Cause Dreams? Or eating. Sleeping obviously causes dreams. Eating before bed does, fact. Yes. It says, while you sleep, your brain continues to be active. Your sleep cycles have a total of five stages. Sleep is influenced by neurotransmitters signals in your brain, so anything that affects your brain chemistry,

including food, medication, substances, etc. can affect your sleep and dreaming. So sleep and food. According to Medicine Plus, eating right before bed can increase your metabolism and increase your brain's overnight activity, leading to dreams and nightmares. Sub-substances such as alcohol and nicotine cause a lighter sleep and prevent REM sleep, which decreases dreaming. However, some foods may increase REM sleep, which increase dreaming.

Unfortunately, the exact cause of dreaming during REM sleep is unknown. It originates from signals in your cerebral cortex. Wait, question. Question. Mm-hmm. Did that article just say eating before bed increases your metabolism?

Yes What? That doesn't make any sense I Did not think that was true either I don't, like isn't that the whole Bears hibernate And they sleep through the winter to keep their fat Right? Yeah, cause then when your body

Is asleep and it's not digesting So it just kind of turns to fat, right? I thought that's how it worked. Like, don't, when people are trying to lose weight, don't they say, like, don't eat after six? Like, that kind of stuff? That article does, I don't know, but I believe anything that article said now. It flies in the face of everything I've ever heard.

I do know that eating before you sleep can cause heartburn and stuff, though. So that's kind of bad. I think that's because you, like, lay down or whatever, so there's stomach acids and whatnot. Oh, but Fox News says eating these 10 foods before bed can be bad. Ice cream, celery, pasta, pizza, candy bars, cereal, garlic, dark chocolate, alcohol, and red meat. So what's it say for pizza? That's literally all I eat! Well, this is why you're having bad dreams!

Damn it! If you want to give your stomach a good workout before bed, feed it some greasy, salty pizza. Your stomach, like the rest of your body, would love to relax, and most of the other organs are chilling too, but pizza isn't exactly a light meal. Your tummy will have to get busy. A layer of tomato sauce has high levels of acidity,

which is just another catalyst for acid reflux, but in general, fatty, greasy toppings, especially high-fat meats and cheeses, do a good enough job on their own of stirring up heartburn. That's not the wake-up call you want at night if you're going to do it. One slice isn't... That didn't talk about dreams at all. Screw you, Fox News.

Whatever. I'm not sure what we've learned here today. I think just that don't eat food before bed, which is what I'm not doing. Unless you want to have dreams where Britney Spears ties you down. Then go for it. She didn't tie me down. My friends with no faces tied me down.

Oh, yeah, they tied you down. Okay, so what's that mean? We have to analyze this because we analyzed my dreams a long time ago. My friends, we were in a mall. Okay, you're in a mall, so you're shopping for new things. You're looking for a new life. Okay, so we were in a mall, and I was there with my friends. But when I turned around to see what they wanted to do, none of them had any faces.

So they didn't have faces. But when I turned around to see what they wanted to do None of them had any faces So they didn't have faces. Okay dream index no faces Okay, so to dream of a face blah blah blah when trying to decode see your own face to dream of left side to dream The right side this doesn't even have a faceless the dream of a faceless person represents an aspect of your personality that is undefined or undecided. Beliefs or wishes that keep changing, going in new directions, or never stay the same. You're having trouble knowing what you want or making final decisions. What? Which means...

No, all that means is that my dream was I went to the mall, asked my friends what they wanted to do, and the answer was, I don't know. So that's all that says says alternatively a faceless person may reflect your feelings about an unknown future situation so it says example a woman dreamed of having sex with a faceless lover in real life she was enjoying being single and trying new things she felt a sense of freedom and not knowing what she really wanted in life so what does that mean for me at the mall like i I can buy whatever I want. I'm at the mall. No, it means you're shopping for a new life. You were looking at what I'm looking for and you don't know what you're looking for. Okay. Well then what does it mean?

Britney Spears, naked Britney Spears with the head of an alien abducts me and takes me into the security locker area of the mall. She is representing your future. Uh-huh. And she's trying to show you your future, which is a foreign thing, which is why she's an alien. It's unidentified. It's unidentified to you. As Britney Spears is an identifiable person in your life,

and so it took the form of her. Only in her body. Here's the thing, though. I, to this day, do not know why in the dream it was Britney Spears' body because it was just a body. But you knew it was Britney Spears' body. Oh, I knew it was Britney Spears' body. How was just a body. But you knew it was Britney Spears' body. Oh, I knew it was Britney Spears' body. How do you tell that?

How would you know? I don't know. I've had that too where I've dreamt of somebody and been like, I knew it was that person, but it wasn't that person. It was a completely different person, yet I knew it was the person I was thinking of. Right, exactly. Oh, my God. David Lynch, get on this.

What? Just a movie where someone's at the mall, and they're like, hey. They turn around, and it's just all their friends have no faces. And he's just like, what? And it's like, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. And then in the background, there's clapping like, yay. And then he's just like, I got to get out of here. I got to get out of here. And everyone's like, yay! And then he's just like, I gotta get out of here. I gotta get out of here. And everyone's like, boo.

Boo. And he's trying to run through the mall and all the malls, like stores, are different aspects of his life. Whoa. I didn't think about the mall stores. I don't remember the mall stores in my dream. Alright, and then my faceless friends held me down

while Space Britney Spears got it on with me. Because they knew what was best for your future. Which is just doing it with alien Britney Spears apparently. Yeah, or like this says,

faceless, in real life she was enjoying being single and trying new things. She felt a sense of freedom and not knowing what she really wanted in life, which means the friends are reflecting your feelings and not knowing what to expect from them. So now you know they're just, they're mean people. I bet you're not even friends with any of them anymore. I mean, that's true. I don't like people. I don't like anyone. Yep, exactly. That's why they were faceless. Your body, your mind knew. My mind knew that I shouldn't trust anyone, especially Space Britney Spears.

And faceless people. Because that girl will not take no for an answer. How did we even get here? Oh yeah, the dreams and pizza. I once had a friend, and I'm going to give him a shout out. I had a friend once. Shout out to Brad. The dreams and pizza. I once had a friend, and I'm going to give him a shout out. I had a friend once. Shout out to Brad.

He once told all of us, he's like, yeah, I had this dream where this guy named the Banana Man was chasing me around. And he drove a truck, and he kept stalking me. He was the Banana Man. We were like, go on. What else happened in it a man named the banana man who had bananas was chasing him and it was like a reoccurring dream he kept having and we were like oh okay so what's the okay here's some questions i have was the man an actual banana like was he banana man no he was a man who was a man who had bananas who wanted to give him bananas he's like the ice cream man but the banana man yes oh man

that should be a movie the banana man he just drives around and he plays the like song like and like the ice cream music and then people go they're like hey the ice cream music. And then people go and they're like, hey, the ice cream man's here. But they look and it's the banana man. And then he gives them bananas. And the bananas are made of rabies. And they die. Made of rabies. What does rabies even look like?

Foamy mouth. It's made of foam. They take a bite and they start to foam at the mouth. They're like, blah, blah, blah. It's Banana Man. Banana Man. Speaking of Banana Man, I wonder how the traffic is going out there for him.

Let's go to Shopping.com. Let's have a look at this guy, the Quendor. Quendor, how's that traffic out there? What's up, everybody? It's having a good morning today. I know i'm having one because we're tracking down the banana man right now he's driving down 485 south uh looks like he's on his way to brad house and brad is uh running away now he is running away i see him getting out of his house but the banana man is good is right on his tail uh this is gonna be one heck of a chase tune in to uh our next podcast to hear what happens to Banana Man.

Hold on. Hold on. It appears that Hagen Kuhl has also ran out onto the road. He's chasing after the Banana Man. Oh, man, this is getting intense. Back to you. Thanks, Crendor. Wow.

Stay tuned for details. I'm sure the Banana Man will eventually catch him. That'll be exciting. I'm sure the banana man will eventually catch him. I'm sure as well. I can't wait. It looks like Britney Spears is in the car with him. Now let's see what is going on. I don't even know. Now let's go over to Crandor at the weather desk.

Crandor, how's that weather? Well, I think we're going to have to go to Bananas Brazil. There's a place called Bananas Brazil? Yeah. That's awesome. I know, and it's raining today. Oh, that's a shame. 79 degrees. We got some thunderstorms happening in Bananas. We got a 90% chance

of rain. Not Wayne. And we got some humidity. Humidity right now is 88%. And 61 dew point. I don't even know what a dew point is. What's a dew point? They all have a question mark. Humidity becomes more noticeable as the dew point rises above 60 degrees Fahrenheit.

Readings above 75 can feel stifling. So, like, you're all, like, covered in stick. Yeah, you're just covered in metal. You're covered in the humidity. It permeates your body. Yeah, it permeates. That's like the beginning of a hot romance novel set in Florida. Like, the dew point rose.

Hot. On the coals of desire. What was that? That was the bongos. Oh, I didn't know what that was. I was a little worried. Does this sound more bongo-y? Yes, it does.

All right. All right. It was late in the day, and the dew point was rising, rising high as the tide on the ocean shore. Diane slowly unbuttoned her blouse as she stared down at Raul Sanchez, the dark Latin lover who lay before her. Then she removed her mask

and it was an alien head. And it was Britney Spears the entire time. That's the weather. That's the weather. Alright, Crandor, what's going on at the sports desk? Derek Rogers from the Indianapolis Colts has been

released for drunk driving. Way to ruin your career, dum-dum. Yep. It's the NFL. I finally made it to the NFL. I'm gonna be an idiot. You did it. Oh. You definitely did it. Also, the Raiders fired their coach, Dennis Allen, after

Charles Woodson of the Oakland Raiders said we suck. They are 0-4 right now. Wait, why would they fire the coach? Because a player Raiders said, we suck. They are 0-4 right now. Wait, why would they fire the coach? Because a player would be like, we suck. Fire the player. He's 8-28 after two seasons. So not the greatest.

No one ever takes the Raiders seriously. It's true. No one. They've never been good. They have not had a winning season since their trip to the Super Bowl back in like 2002. They have never been good. They have not had a winning season since their trip to the Super Bowl back in, like, 2002. They have never been good. Never. They were good in, like, 1965.

And that one Super Bowl year. When your fan base is more exciting than your football team. I would go to a game and just see the fans in, like, their weird Raider outfits. I know. They're very excited to watch a terrible team. Yeah, I wouldn't go there for anything but the fans the team's awful and uh oh and baseball speaking of awful teams thanks thanks stealers for continuing to suck oh yeah the stealers are very bad so they're that's a thing

and then uh the packers beat the bears all of them were very sad. I saw a sign while I was driving. There was this one place and it said Ditka's Halloween Party. Someone's having a Ditka themed Halloween party. Someone sent us a picture of the crowd and there was a dude dressed like Ditka. It might have been Ditka. I'm not sure. It might have been

in the crowd like, oh no! Oh yeah, the Packer Bear game. first game since like 1960 something that there was no punt in a football game they had no punts because all they did was score touchdowns that's how bad both defenses were and it was very exciting though what was the final score like 106 to 94 well it's like 17 14 at the end of the first quarter because the bears just controlled the ball and then they like got three points out of a nine minute possession it was like well that's dumb and then green bay just got touchdowns every

time they got the ball so it's 38 17 packers jake cutler threw two picks he fell apart i turned on chicago radio today and some guy was like, Jake Cutler, let me tell you something about Jake Cutler. He doesn't know what he's doing back there. We got to get a real quarterback. We got the offensive line. We got Forte. We got Alshon Jeffries. When you got a 6'3 football player, you get him the ball up high and you show him that.

We paid Jake Cutler all this money. Put Ditka back there. Let's get Ditka. They're just like Uh Alright uh Yeah that's a good point you got there It's just like Alright

First time Collar I'll hang up and wait for your answer Thank you I imagine All it is Is guys Demanding Ditka Just all the time.

Now, if we had Ditka at wide receiver and quarterback, he could throw the ball to himself. We'd be in the Super Bowl again just like 85. Like, all they care about here is that year the Bears won the Super Bowl. That's the only time they ever won it. So they're just like, remember when Ditka won the Super Bowl? Oh, that was a great year. Holy shit. I say we just make this podcast. You're talking

like you're from Chicago for the next I don't know, 45 minutes. And I'll just sit here and laugh. That's how people talk. Like, not all the people, obviously, but there's like the hardcore Chicago and people and that that's how they talk we were at the blackhawks game because everybody likes the blackhawks now and these four like giant big like fat chicago guys like they call them meatballs they sit down and they got their beer and he's like they they do. They call people. You can tell they just came from like working downtown.

They got their like $10 beers from the Blackhawks game. And he's like, let me tell you something about hockey. It's just like football. You hit them below the belt and they fall down. And I was like, what's that guy even talking about? Don't hit people below the belt in hockey. You have a stick and you hit them like in the shoulders. I think he's just drunk.

I call them meatballs. Because they're like, they're round and like short and stubby and like, I'm a meatball. I call them meatballs. They do. That's what I know. They're like a short, stout guy with a big gut. They're called meatballs. Oh, my God.

I'm just saying. Yeah, that's sports. That's sports. All right, Crandor, what is our big news story of the day? Hold on. First, here's all the stories I found. I't want to met like pass up the ones i already got so we got bodybuilding christian swingers from florida start spouse swapping website what yeah okay all right we got drunk moose terrorizing sweden probably not even drunk all right let's go to the moose one. We really believed in you drunk moose.

The American media has bombarded the tales of moose throughout Sweden becoming hilariously intoxicated from eating the apples that have fallen on the ground and become rotten and fermented. These antlered creatures have been known to get tangled in swing sets, stuck in trees, and become generally fearless. But moose can't use being drunk as an excuse anymore because Professor Peter Kjander, expert on

wild animals at Swedish University of Agricultural Sciences, told Swedish Radio Science News that moose, which typically weigh between 450 and 1200 pounds, are just way too big to actually get drunk on fermented apples. Damn.

Way to rain on our parade, man. Yeah, way to rain on the parade. I just want to watch some drunk moose. So what would it take to get a moose drunk? And can we make that happen? How many apples? Probably at least five fermented vodka-covered apples. Thanks, Count Crandor.

At least five. Five fermented apples. One, two, three, four, five. Five. Five. Fermented apples. And I don't know. Either way, let's go to the bodybuilding Christian swingers.

Uh-huh. So they're from Florida, as you might have guessed. They say, love thy neighbor as yourself. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Do not covet thy neighbor's ass. These are ethical foundations of any good swinger's lifestyle. If you like Jesus pumping iron and pumping getting pumped by acquaintances what well this is the huffington post by the way it's called fitness swingers

it's the brainchild of christy parave and her husband dean who dreamed up the site oh no we need to see what they look like. Oh yeah. How do you spell their name? Christy. It's Christy. C-R-I-S-T-Y Parave. P-A-R-A-V-E. Oh my god. Whoa. Oh my god.

Whoa. That's them with the other people they're with. The women in this photo look better. Look like better men than the men. They're with. The women in this photo look better look like better men than the men. They really do. The men that one guy looks like he's Donald Trump. God

almighty. These women are so buff. They it's it's it's scary how buff they are. Like she could she could probably fight Vin Diesel. I can't figure out. God, this is horrible. That is, there's a photo.

All right, there is one photo of Christy with her like, she's naked, but you can see her back. That is a man. That is, you have gone too far in the muscles. You have gone Superman. You've gone so. That makes me feel bad about myself. Yeah. Like, yeah, her whole upper body looks like it could be Superman.

Like, if she wanted to apply to be Superman, I would be like, all right, you beat out, like, all these guys. She's got muscles upon muscles, which is okay. But even on guys, like, it's too much. It's pretty crazy. Like, it's one of those things where it's, like, over-the-top muscles, like competition competitor muscles. And then there's just pictures of them and their other couples just, like, eh, don't even. You know what? You know what? You know what?

I'm done. I'm literally done. I got to say a thing. It says, the Florida couple who met at the bodybuilding competition are interested in sharing their beliefs. They said, so far today, God hasn't told me, Dean, stop that. It's a sin. I don't want you to do that. Until he does that, I'm going to keep trying to help as many people as I can.

What does that mean? I want to help you by doing you. Praise Jesus. I don't know. I don't know. He said, God put people on Earth to breed and enjoy each other. I feel God is always with me, and he has put me here for a reason. And then their daughter told the outlet that she thinks that helping run her parents' website is definitely, quote, different.

Yeah. No, no. She's right. We know which one of them is not the insane one. Yep. Daughter definitely is the most sane in that family. I also would like to point out their philosophy. Shit, I could use that.

I could use that philosophy. Be like, yeah, no, God says that you should sleep with me. Until he says otherwise, I guess we just should do it. Praise Jesus. It makes sense. Let me just throw that at you too for halloween you can be the three-breasted woman just jasmine tri-devil that is a horrible costume that's a legitimately horrible costume but so is the three boobs woman's boobs that's just horrible just is just horrible. Just horrible. Alright everybody, that's it.

That's it, we're done. We're done. We're done. That's it for today. Thank you everybody. And as always... I was a wild child, look.