Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox n' Crendor: Monday, September 29th 2014

Episode Date: September 29, 2014

Who knew talking about a man jackin' it on a plane would lead to a completely NSFW episode :P Also the boys talk about the insane fight Jesse saw, RG3, and porn stars without make-up. All this and more on today's episode!

Hello everybody, it's time for Cox and Crandon! Cox and Crandon in the morning! In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour recording studios! Recording! Wake your ass up! It's Cox and Crandon in the morning! Cox and Crand friend in the morning! Up and up, next friend in the morning!

Hello everybody and welcome back to Cox and Crandor in the morning. Hey, it's the morning maybe. It could be for you, maybe not for us. Somewhere around the world it's morning, right now it is morning. That should be our slogan, somewhere it's morning. Right? That's what alcoholics say when they drink at 10am. morning right now it is morning that should be our slogan somewhere it's morning right that's that's what alcoholics say when they drink at 10 a.m somewhere afternoon yeah somewhere it's time to drink yeah screw it so we're like if if you're a podcastaholic we're your jim beam for your alcohol we're your problem drink up kids we're the problem and the solution

so today i witnessed something amazing so i spent 99 of the day going around doing all sorts of stuff i guess it'd be yesterday guys we're definitely not recording this at 12 19 a.m the night before wink wink definitely not yesterday la la la uh i was doing a lot of like filming and stuff and driving around by the way every day i see my favorite billboard in the world and every day i I laugh. It's a giant billboard of the California state flag with the bear, except he's face palming. And it says, California, number two in syphilis. So that's my favorite billboard.

And I see it everywhere now, and I'm like, yeah, number two. I want to know what number one is. I remember he said you wear that as a T-shirt. I want that as a T-shirt. If anyone wants to send me That billboard I'm sure there are images online On a t-shirt

I will wear that everywhere It is hilarious I don't know what number one is though We need to look this up Yeah Who is New billboard tells Californians they're number two well i found a picture of the billboard that you can send me on a shirt i found that but it doesn't say who number one is

all right let's take similar similar std billboards have appeared in florida oklahoma alabama tennessee and georgia oh it's florida is there no doubt in my mind i would say it's florida too but i don't it doesn't say anything here number one in syphilis here's a 2012 surveillance study state by state uh oh which is easiest to catch stds oh i like this state by state chlamydia is is the most common reported STD in the U.S. for the past 20 years. Oh, whoa. There we go. Untreated chlamydia can cause pelvic inflammation disease.

That sounds awful. That does sound awful. Syphilis is less common. Oh, here we go. Best states for STDs. Wow. Virginia is definitely the place not to get an STD. Oh.

Virginia, Maine, Vermont, and Utah. Go there if you don't want to catch the STDs. Wait. Okay. Let's figure out why. Virginia, Maine, Vermont. Those are kind of all in the same area from what I've learned so far on this podcast. Not really.

Not really at all. West Virginia, not really. Utah, I think because no one lives in Utah. Well, there's a lot of very religious people in Utah. Maybe they don't believe in protection. Doing it? That's boring. They don't believe in protection.

No, no, no, no. These are places that have the least likelihood of getting it. Oh. Yeah. Oh, yeah, because they're boring then. Okay. Right? Meanwhile, the worst places for STDs, Louisiana.

It's that Mardi Gras, y'all. Yep. Mississippi, Georgia, Alabama, South Carolina. So basically the South. Arkansas, the South. The whole South. So basically the South. Arkansas, the South. The whole South. Basically the entire South. Here's the crazy thing.

By the way, Georgia is first for syphilis. Georgia, Atlanta, man. Georgia is first. Third is Louisiana. California, not even in the top. Here's what's crazy. California, not in the top ten worst. We are number two for syphilis, but not for anything. We're really low for everything else. That's crazy. California, not in the top ten worst. We are number two for syphilis, but not for anything.

We're really low for everything else. That's it. So apparently everything else we're really good on, but syphilis, we just inject it into people. Yep. Come to California and get your syphilis injection. I'll do it myself. I don't even. All right.

That is interesting. Anyway, the whole point of this, I was driving around after doing all this stuff, and it was like 6 o'clock or so. And I decided, you know what? I'm hungry. I want dinner. I have yet to eat anything today. I think I had a granola bar at like 8 a.m. I'm starving.

I want a chicken sandwich. So I stopped at Wingstop, which is like. Oh, I've eaten at Wingstop. Right? It's down the street. And I was like, I'll go to Wingstop. And they used to have a chicken sandwich there. Spoiler, they don't have a chicken sandwich anymore.

So instead, I got eight boneless wings and iced tea. How were they? I got spicy habanero. No, mango hab mango habanero that's a good choice it was very good it was very good so i sat there eating my boneless wings looking like an idiot just like boneless wing it tastes good i can't eat it up i was just by myself i feel like it's a disney movie it's just like boneless wings they're very good like a whole band like starts they're mining for boneless wings that's how wingstop gets their wings they mine the wings out of

the ground they mine the wings to that song boneless wings i mean they obviously aren't real chicken wings so they have to be made from something mines boneless wing mines the chicken wing mines so i was sitting there and you know it's around dinner time so people were walking in and walking out i'm just sitting there watching think, because we're on the West Coast. We were getting the Washington Redskins game. LOL, South Park destroyed the Redskins. South Park? In the season premiere of South Park that was on Wednesday, they basically destroyed the NFL and Kickstarter.

Oh, I thought you meant, like, in the game. Like, there's no NFL team named the South Park team. No, on South Park. But I mean, the Giants destroyed the Redskins if you want to get into sports early. Yes, the show South Park destroyed the Reds. Go watch the new season. It's really funny. So anyway, I was watching the game.

And these two dudes walk in. And they are just on something. Like, not like drugs, but, you know, just like hepped up on anger. And one dude's talking about, he's like, he's talking, keep in mind, he's talking about his mother while he's doing this. He's like, and then that beast said to me, where you going? Maybe I'm going to go get wings. How about that shit? What do you think I'm doing?

And I told that, and the guy's like, yeah, dude, yeah, yeah. She's like, what? You own me? I can go get wings wherever I want to go get wings. I was like, what is happening? And I kept listening, because they were very loud, and I kept listening, and I realized he's talking about his mom. He's like, I want to go out with my friends and go get wings.

What are you going to do about it? Nothing. Stay home. Watch a stupid show. This is what you're going to do. I was like, oh, okay, they are angry And so You know, they're two pretty

Diesel looking dudes How old are they? Oh, I would say maybe 18, 19 You know, that weird period where they just hate everything And so, they walk in They're all like, urgh I guess they pre-ordered, so they have their food waiting and they sit down there, they start eating and they still are very loud about the whole situation.

And then another diesel dude waiting in line goes, Hey, cut the chatter and treat whoever you're talking about with respect. Stop saying the B word. And then dude. And of course, because you shouldn't ever interrupt crazy people's conversations two huge diesel dudes stand up to the other huge diesel dude and go like what'd you say he goes stop using the b word there are kids here he's like i'll do what i want you ain't my mama and he goes if i was your mama i'd slap your face for being so disrespectful.

And then I proceeded to watch two men walk to the door and say, you want to handle this outside? And the guy's like, I'm waiting for my wings. I'll handle it after I'm done eating. So the two dudes go, okay. And then they sit back down and start eating the entire time. Like, let him say something. Let him say something. Let him say say something stupid I'll go get him Meanwhile

This other Diesel dude who looks just like Vin Diesel by the way Is like He orders his food sits down and just Crazy eyes them the entire time And he's eating like chicken wings So his face is getting all messy And he's just crazy eyeing these two guys At the other end of the restaurant

And so So they finish eating face is getting all messy and he's just crazy. It's two guys at the other end of the restaurant. So they finish eating and then they go outside and proceed to beat the shit out of each other in the parking lot. And like in the middle of like a shopping center, proceed to beat the crap out of each other. And this one dude takes on two guys And it's pretty much a fair fight Oh damn And they called the police And the police came and broke up the fight

Did the guys call the police or did someone else call the police The wing stop called the police The girl at the counter When they went outside the girl at the counter She goes ah hell no Pulls out her phone And is like Police

Some crazy ass She's going nuts It was amazing Meanwhile Just sitting there Eating my wings Just eating my Boneless wings

Sipping my iced tea Like yep I don't know what's going on But I'm watching this shit It was Amazing I wish I was there To see that Dude This is one of the few times It was amazing. I wish I was there to see that.

Dude, this is one of the few times that I've seen crazy things happen when you weren't here. So. That's true. It was a real treat for me. A real treat. Usually the crazy things happen when I'm there. Oh. Hell no.

I'll never forget the way she said that. It was so funny. It was like there was this weird pause of her just trying to get the hell out. It's like, ah, hell no. Ah, hell no. She was real pissed. And all the people in the back, all the guys working in the back were like, oh, it's going down. They stopped working. And I think she was the manager.

And so she was like, I'm going to have to call the cops so my guys get back to work. Let's go great. It was pretty wonderful. Anyway, while looking for topics and articles for today's episode, I found one about a woman who

had enough plastic surgery to make herself into, she says she wants to be a sex doll. Uh-huh. Now, my thought process was, like, why would you want to become a sex doll? And she goes, no, I just want to look like one. I don't want to. So, basically, she wants to look like one of those awful plastic-looking things with, like, the giant open mouths.

Right? Oh, yeah. Like the weird-ass. Yes. The things that, like, guys buy, like, their friends as a gag gift for their 21st birthday Like that kind of stuff Yeah Well, at the bottom of that

There was a giant link to an article called Porn Stars Without Makeup That was a mistake The illusion's been ruined The illusion's gone now It was like world famous porn stars without makeup Illusion's gone. I'm literally shattered.

It's almost as if that industry is entirely fake. You don't say. It's almost like everything in the porn industry is a lie. It was mind blowing. The next thing you're going to tell me is they do super editing to make it look more fluid than it actually is. I've never. super editing to make it look more fluid than it actually is i've never like it i guess it must have been like a uh instagram thing where all the different women involved decided to do like a this is me without makeup and me with makeup kind of thing because they're all very similar it's

three shots it's one without one in the process and one at the end and as you just go through it, it's like, holy crap, what happened? Whoever the makeup artists are are geniuses. I mean, it's mind-blowing. It is legitimately mind-blowing. You're like, that's not the same person. And then you realize, oh my god, it's all a lie. I had a friend, this girl told me once, this is one of those things that I think is really quite true,

but men will never realize it. Usually when guys tell women, like, baby, you look great without makeup. You don't need to do that. It's when they have, like, foundation on. Like, they have bare, they still have makeup, but it's like bare minimum makeup, right? It's not like you have no makeup. Like, but guys, we're oblivious, and we're just like, no, girl, you look fine as is. It took like an hour to get that way.

There's levels of makeup, right? And it's just really funny that seeing this, I was like, everything that I believed as a teenager is a lie. That's all your teenage dreams are gone. My teenage dreams. My Katy Perry's gone. Gone. Yeah, it's kind of like when they had that Katy Perry photo that was posted. Like Katy Perry minus makeup and everyone was like, oh my god. It was like, well, that's reality.

Yeah, they did that with a lot of celebrities and they're like, oh wow, they just look really normal. Yeah, they look like normal people. They don't, yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy. All I'm saying is stop looking normal, porn stars. Yeah, they look like normal people. They don't... Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy. All I'm saying is, stop looking normal, porn stars. Yeah. You need... Stop it. Get whatever that robot surgery

is that made that woman look like a cat. But you just look like you're in porn all the time. I have no idea what you're talking about. The robot surgery that made her look like a cat? What? That was poorly explained, but I stand by my statement. I stand by my statement.

Just get the robot surgery. It makes you look like a cat. Then you're going to be odd. I stand by my statement. I don't need to explain that. If you don't get it, you don't get it. I mean, there's like the ancient pharaohs that used to wear makeup, like guys that wear makeup. They like, I mean, they try.

There's a lot of guys, especially in Hollywood, who wear makeup. A lot of dudes wear foundation. Yeah. Fact. Because, you know, it's a weird city where everyone has to be perfect all the time. And perfect is a fake state of being. So everyone tries to be like that weird. So, oh, yeah, you can tell because their face has that weird different like shade compared to the rest of them.

Yeah. That's the way I look when I'm on camera. Because they only do like in order to cover up the fact that you'll be sweating like a pig. They put like makeup on you and dust you and stuff, right? And so if you ever looked at my arms compared to my face, you'd be like, what are those white bony things doing there? Like, greetings, boydles and ghouls. That's pretty much my everyday life.

Yeah, so, oh well. Let's go to Chapter 7 of The Sky of the Krendor. Krendor, how's that traffic out there well traffic today is going uh mediocre best there's a blockage on the i-45 there's another blockage on the 489 s52 that's a new highway opening up run by robots cat robots to be exact and uh there's a couple of cat robots running down the street right now. Looks like one is named Taylor Van Glider, and the other is named Jens Banning. They are running like cat robots like I've never seen before. This is one crazy world we're living in.

Back to you. Thanks, Crandor. It is a crazy world indeed. Now let's go over to the weather desk with Crandor. Crandor, how's that weather out there? Oh, weather today is, I don't know. I was going to search for plastic. Appears there's no place.

It's called plastic, however. There is, however, a robo-Sweden. Uh-huh. In robo-Sweden, we got 59 degrees and cloudy, which I mean, it's usually pretty cloudy in Sweden. Yeah, that's what you expect from Robo Sweden. Robo Sweden today. That's not even. And you're going to get on me for my robot cat, man?

You are. I am Robot Sweden. Actually, it's RG4. I'll bring back RG4 in the weather. I mean, the sports. I don't even. 99% humidity today? Whoa, Robo.

That's because it's raining. It's raining there. Oh, yeah, you're right. 99% humidity. It's going to rain. In fact, they should be underwater. They should be underwater right now. 99% humidity is like the beach.

Yeah. Water should be lapping over you. Mm-hmm. I think that's how that works. I don't know. Don't ask me. I'm not a scientist. Mm-hmm. I think that's how that works. I don't know. Don't ask me. I'm not a scientist. That's weather.

And sports. All right, sports news. RG4 is looking like he's going to get the start very soon because RG3 is just terrible. Oh, yeah, he is bad. RG3 is sucking this year. Yeah, he's gotten benched for Kirk Cousins, and it's just pretty bad. We need to get on it.

He needs to go to the shop. RG3 needs his upgrade. He's ready for the upgrade. He's ready for his upgrade. RG4. No AC tells here. Or AC tears. ACL tears

That's the word I'm looking for AC tears sounds like a kid from Saved by the Bell I'm AC tears Hey I'm AC tears They're the new DJ Yo DJ AC tears here Ripping up my new tracks

Yeah that's a good DJ's a good dj name ripping the new tracks i'm tearing the tracks up what ac tears wake up wake up wake up wake up jason derulo jason derulo be tearing up the beat no he's winning because in all of his songs it's he says his jason derulo says his name and and then whoever the DJ is is like in the background like, AC Taz. It's like, you don't need to announce everything you do. But they all do that. Every rapper does that and singer. You don't need to do that, though.

The pop, rap, hip-hop genre, you got to say your name. Oh, because people be sampling it? Yeah. So they're just like, yo, Lil Wayne on the track. It's almost like it's an ego thing. It's weird. It is an ego thing. That's strange.

Like even in J-Lo, J-Lo's just like, J-Lo here. No, J-Lo's like Jenny from the block. Don't judge me by the size of my rocks. Yeah, but she still says her name. I guess that's funny. I'm still Jenny from the block. It's all a big ego boost thing. I'm going to make a song called Jesse Cox rocks from the blocks.

I'm still Jesse from the blocks. Used to have a little, still got a little, not a lot. Don't Jesse run the size of my cocks. I'm still Jesse from the blocks. Jason Derulo. Jason Derulo. Jason Derulo. Mr. Worldwide. Sports.

I love how this always happens. All right. Some random tangent in the sections. Like, oh, yeah, we're doing that still. So what is our big news story of the day? Can you imagine if an actual news show did that? Like the sports guy just went on a big rant. They're like, oh, yeah, we're still in the sports section, guys.

I'd watch that news show. Are you kidding me? I'd watch that. So we got a couple choices here. Okay. Plane makes unscheduled landing due to alleged masturbator. We also have Alleged! Alleged

masturbator. There's also the new stormtroopers, how they'll look, but that's kind of like, eh, they just look like Darth Vader's, but with a weird defect. But they're white. No, they're not white anymore, they're silver. Metallic. What? Wait, the stormtroopers are silver?

Here, I'll link you. That's what they look like now. Cinema blend. Dude, that guy's badass looking. Yeah, I like them more. They look sweet. That guy's awesome. But again, why are there Stormtroopers?

That doesn't make any sense. I don't know. That doesn't make any sense. Look, it's been 40 years since the Empire was defeated. Why are there still Stormtroopers around? It can't be any worse than the previous three movies. It doesn't make sense, Crandor. It doesn't make sense.

It's been 40 years since the fall of the Empire. Sure, there could have been guys like, I'm going to bring it back. But the Jedi would have kicked their ass. All I'm saying is, it don't make sense. Don't make me get out my PowerPoint presentation and fight you over a pool of lava, because I will. I will do it. He will do it. Don't deny it. It will happen. They'll explain it. I'm sure they'll explain

it. Oh, I'm sure they will. I don't know if I like the answer. Yeah. And then there's also the world's hottest mugshot, Angela Coates speaks about being the female Jeremy Meeks. I saw that. I saw that. I find that debatable. I also found

male hottest mugshot debatable as well. Just cause they look like they just came from a night out and they were all gussied up when they got arrested. That doesn't mean they're hot. It just means that they happen to look very good at that moment. I know. Debatable.

Debatable. That's very debatable. moment. I know. Debatable. Debatable. That's very debatable. I think I would take a fabulous mugshot. I think you would, too. Thank you. Thank you. You'd just take a very, very swag mugshot. Oh, I'd pop my collar like, what up?

She also had some tweets. She said, please take advantage of their authority each and every day, and people assume that since I am attractive that my life is perfect. Well, it's not. I was wrongfully arrested by an officer who abused his authority. I designed shoes. My best friend was my dog who got killed. I love Disney World, and I am very family-oriented.

I put my pants on just like you, but since I'm beautiful, I'm just a horrible person. Okay, young world. Well, first off, agreed. As a beautiful human being, you're automatically horrible. If I can extrapolate, what she said was, don't hate me because I'm beautiful. And if anything, that's why I get to hate you. That's true. As someone who is beautiful, that's why I get to hate you

I mean it's hobgoblin law Come on that's hobgoblin That's how it works hashtag hobgoblin law Oh I'm so beautiful I can't help that my life is so hard You know what You got beauty on your side lady Imagine that life but ugly

And then tell me And then tell me how hard it is. Oh, my life's so hard, and then I'm beautiful? Be ugly, then imagine what it's like. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying is, next time a beautiful person says to you, oh, my life's so hard, you don't know, be like, try being ugly. Take your problems and then compound it with the fact that you are ugly.

Yeah, try being Doug Adams, who was 26 and removed from the Virgin Airlines flight when he was allegedly masturbating. Doug Adams is so ugly, he has to beat it on a Virgin's flight. And later tried to open an exit door. You know why? Why? Because he was so embarrassed, he'd rather jump out of a plane. Apparently, Los Angeles-based filmmakers Sam Slater and Paul Vernon,

who were sitting in the row in front of Adams, told CBS LA the suspect kept mumbling about not trying to be violent and how he didn't want to be a violent person. We're sitting in the front row and we're both a little concerned and watching what's happening, he said. Whoa, whoa, whoa, pause. Front row means first class. Yes. So he's a row behind, which means usually there's probably like two or three rows of first class, right?

Yeah. Dude's in first class. He's in first class. So I'm'm gonna go out on a limb and say let the man masturbate he paid a ton of money well look first class tickets are expensive he paid a ton of money for that flight let the man beat it that's all i'm saying it's probably from florida i mean look he's from florida yeah he knows, look, he's from Florida. He's very good in paradise. He knows what's up. This is his national anthem. This seat was $3,000.

Let me beat it. I'm going to be in the air for a few hours. I'll probably watch a movie or two. Who knows what's in that movie? It could be Gwyneth Paltrow. It could be Leonardo DiCaprio sorting coke off hookers. Yeah, he could be watching that movie in the air.

By the way, I've seen a few movies on planes that have weird sex scenes, and you're just sitting next to a stranger, and you're like, this is awkward. Yeah. It's like, I'll sit here and, yes, this is a human thing that happens. You sort of just hope the guy's asleep next to you, and you're like, this is weird. Or they're just like, ooh, this is weird. Or they're just like, oh, yeah, I've seen that too.

I'm on his side. I'm going to take the stand that I say if he's in first class, he can beat it. That's a lot of money. If you pay a lot of money, you should be able to do whatever you want. That's just the rules. If you pay a ton of money for something like a flight that's like full, if you pay $3,000 for like three hours in the air, that's a lot of money. That's a lot of damn. It is a lot of money. Dude should be able to beat it.

That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. So when he came out of the bathroom, he sat back down. He was arguing with the woman next to him, and he said he didn't want to sit next to her. He got back up, told the attendant he wanted her to move, and at that point they paged to see if there was a doctor on board. The doctor took his blood pressure and the flight crew cleared a row in the back of the plane and isolated him from everyone else. At that point, he was fidgeting and began to remove the plastic covering from the emergency exit door and tried to pull open the door. covering from the emergency exit door and tried to pull open the door.

Fortunately, there were a couple of Boston police officers on the flight that were there to help as well, and that's where we realized that we weren't going to make it to Los Angeles, and we had to land in Omaha. He wanted the steaks. He wanted the steaks. Look, the man beat off, and then

he wanted meat. That's primal urges. There's nothing wrong with that. They even gave him... he paid so much money, they even gave him his own row to do it. All I'm saying is this seems like miscommunication. I feel like people telling this story have it wrong. The way I see it, this man paid so much money and he wanted to beat it in private,

and this woman was not having any of it, which is in her own right. She shouldn't have to sit there and watch some weird to beat it in private. And this woman was not having any of it, which is in her own right. She shouldn't have to sit there and watch some weirdo beat it. But because he paid so much money, they said, you know what? Let's give him his own row. And then they went to the back and they gave him his own row. And the guy was doing just fine. And then, you know, he just wanted to get some fresh air

and tried to open the door. And they were like, sir, you can't do that. And he's like, well, look, I'm hungry and I'm a little spent and I just need some food. And they're like, let's land in Omaha. I feel like you're going way too in detail with this. We're going to have to put a special warning on this episode. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah yeah yeah we are definitely doing this podcast late at night right now can i say at the bottom of this article is some other people that have done similar things and there's a man

i'm just gonna read his shirt I'm out of my mind please leave a message now I'm gonna ask you to think what has this guy done this man has been arrested for allegedly having sex with a pool toy

three different times and another time for allegedly having sex with an inflatable decorative pumpkin. Yep. it just makes it better when you just to see his face and that shirt you just he's in his own world he's in his own crazy person world he's out of his mind why why an inflatable pumpkin? I don't know. There's a story there, and I'm not sure I want to know it.

I don't think I want to know it either. I don't think I want to know that story. We'll have to find out more about tomorrow because that's it. Thank you for watching, listening, whatever you're doing right now. And as always, to be continued.