Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox n' Crendor: Thursday, October 30th 2014

Episode Date: October 30, 2014

Jesse and Crendor find common ground in hating 1 specific type of person. Jesse is then scolded for his choice of coffee and proceeds to confess his love for a mysterious shark. It's madness.

Hello everybody, it's time for Cox and Crendor in the morning. In the morning. Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live. In 4 hour recording studio. Recording. Wake your ass up, it's Cox and Crendor in the morning. Cox and Crendor in the morning! Coo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo! Crandor in the morning! Hello there, everybody, and welcome back to Cox and Crandor in the morning.

It is... Uh-huh. Good day. Ooh, I thought you were going to actually give a day. And then I would have to chastise you for, in fact, giving a day. I know. And annoying everyone at home. But you didn't do it.

You just said, today is a thing that exists in time. I did. Well. Which, as we discussed, we're all time travelers. We are all time travelers. And if there's one thing I know about time, it's that time traveling Thursday is a day. God damn it. You can't just egg me on and then make me not eggs.

I guess, yeah. I guess I had to give you an omelet on that one. Yeah. Sometimes you got to scramble your omelets. Sometimes you got to over-easy the sun. Speaking of omelet, when you come out next week, you need to... By the way, by come out, I'm referring to the fact that Crandor is coming out of the closet next week. Yes.

It's pretty stuffy in here. That's where he records. That's where he records from. I'm not sure what you guys are talking about. He was getting a studio made in his apartment. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what the hell they think we were talking about. Yeah, seriously.

But when you come out to L.A., the fact that you mentioned Omelette, I want to go back to that breakfast place. I have no reason to go there except for you you're the only reason i go there i go there no other time and it's like my little treat to myself it's just breakfast yeah i never i never go anywhere like i feel i feel bad because i could go there anytime i wanted to i could invite people to. I could invite people to go. I could invite friends to go. But I know no one would appreciate it as much as you. They wouldn't or judge it as harshly. Yeah, like you're there to keep me grounded.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I'm really the grounding and you're the electricity. Yeah, that's true. I'm the ACDC. You're the socket. Yeah, I'm the socket. Yeah. I'm ACDC. You're the socket. Yeah, I'm the socket. Yeah. I'm the power. You're the ground.

I'm the gravy. You're the mashed potato. Mm-hmm. I'm the meat. You're the bread. I'm the honey. You're the cereal. Okay, all right. That's kind of a stretch. I'm the nougat. You're the wafer Okay. All right. That's kind of a stretch. I'm the nougat. You're the wafer. I am the... No, wait.

No, wait. You have to be the nougat. Wait. No. No, the wafer is the solid foundation to the nougat. Oh, yeah. That's a good point. Yeah.

Yeah. Which means you would be the cereal and I would be the honey. Oh, yeah. We got our own thing screwed up, Crandor. Whoa. Wait. What kind of cereal? grape nuts obviously you are obviously grape nuts i mean gotta go grape nuts crendor if there's one thing you are it's you know what you're more kashi i'll give you that. Okay, I have more. You're Kashi cereal. Kashi.

Yeah. Great. Yeah, Kashi. Yeah, Kashi. That's the one. I ate that for a while. And then you stopped. And then I stopped.

Yeah, I remember when I was on the health kick. That stopped quickly. Now I'm going to die alone. No. Oh, my God. There was a Nutribullet commercial, right, on yesterday. Nutribullet commercial, right? On yesterday. And they were talking about the Nutribullet's Nutriblast and how this system is curing people of cancer and stuff.

They had this cancer lady on. She was like, I was cured of cancer thanks to the Nutribullet. And they had this as an infomercial. So this guy. What is it? It's not a bullet, obviously. It's like one of those blender things. Oh, all right.

I thought you were like the Nutribullet shoot yourself in the head it's on uh it's on like discovery channel hgtv in the morning 2 a.m yeah yeah of course and this guy he's in a studio but it's like a classroom but it's like a kitchen and all these people are around all those people who are definitely not paid actors are there with him. They have like notepads and they're writing down notes. And he's like, here's the thing. When you use the Nutribullet, you're enriching your juice. Can we just talk about how that is the worst name for a product?

The Nutribullet. Shoot yourself. I don't think that's the actual slogan though. It should be. Call me nutribullet call me but they're talking like the nutriblast saved my life the nutribullet is i'm like it's just a blender like they're doing all it's just a blender the blender yeah the blender did nothing the actual vegetables and fruits did that you're putting in your body and even that suspect like we don't know what saved your life exactly.

Maybe you're one of those few lucky people who beats cancer without having to have help. You never know. Like most people, that's not the case. You are an outlier lady. Who's like eating vegetables saved my life. Yes.

It's probably good to eat fruits and vegetables more than any other thing. True. But you probably didn't like that might not have been what saved you. But you know what? Whatever. There's always the, like, cases of people that just things shouldn't happen. Like, there's always the super healthy person that's, like, super healthy and then they just die. Yeah, they fall over dead.

There's always the old fat ass who lives to be, like, 103. It's like the old German woman who's just like, what's your secret to living? She's just, like like smoking and eating fat. I think I mentioned this on a previous podcast. There was like the oldest man in the world for a while was this guy in like South Carolina or something. And they asked him what he ate. And he's like six pack of beer and fat back every day. It was like, well, you know, that's that happens happens a lot of it's just the genetics it's really

it comes down to is your genetics and then obviously you should eat healthier because you feel better and everything but that's true that's true i i will fully admit that there's moments where i eat something i'm like yep i'm done like i just ate what might have been the worst and then the next day i purposefully have to go out and get a salad like the mcrib i why are you still pushing this why are you still pushing i've seen at least three mcdonald's with mcrib ribs now so tomorrow you have to do no no we have to wait till you come out here i go out there next but i don't want to get out there unless you don't want you don't want an la mcriRib out there. Unless we vlog it. You don't want an LA McRib?

I mean, like, vlog the McRib eating. Yeah, but there's so many better restaurants near BlizzCon. That's what I'm saying. I don't want to do it then. Yeah, I don't want to do that. Just eat it live on air. Then people don't even know we're eating it. That's true.

That's true. You just take a bite and throw it away if you want. Nobody's going to see. That's the power of internet radio. Ugh. All right. Well, we have to plan. You know what we should. That's the power of internet radio. Ugh. All right. Well, we have to plan. You know what we should do?

That should be our Halloween episode. Yeah, exactly. The spookiest episode. It's disguised as real food, but it's not. It is certainly not. That's the Halloween. That means I have to find one, though. Like we discussed, finding a McRib location around here is impossible.

They had a checkmark near the Culver City one. That's pretty close. That's not close at all. That's 20 minutes away. We'll just go there after a thing. We are progressively giving... I might as well just be like, this is where I live. Guys.

Triangulate, triangulate where I live. I'm sitting in a dumpster outside of a 7-Eleven. Crazy stalkers. Triangulate where I live. Come visit me. Dumpster outside of a 7-Eleven. Crazy stalkers! Try and get it where I live. Come visit me. Dumpster outside of a 7-Eleven. By which I mean, please don't. Please don't do that.

I don't want to die. Either way, McRib Halloween has to happen. Okay. What was I talking about again? I don't think we were talking about anything. Oh, you're talking about the bullet. Oh, yeah, the NutriBullet. Was that story going anywhere?

Really, it was just funny because all these people are writing down stuff like, wow, I'm learning new things. Vegetables help you feel good and are healthy. It's like, wow, no way. It's just math. It's a pain in the ass knowing what it takes to be physically fit and then completely ignoring it. It's obvious math. You expend more fuel than you take in.

That's it. Right? That's how it works. And then if you want to be, like, even better fit, you take in only really good for you things and not shit. Yeah. And then you expend more fuel and what you're expending is good for you stuff, and it makes you better. That's literally, it's not that difficult to figure out. The problem is, oh, everything's so delicious.

It's so good. It really is. It's all, like, fatty and salty, and your body's, like, full. Right? Everything's so good. Right, everything's so good. I had to, oh, oh. I had to cancel because I'm perpetually confronted because I'm on, we're on the internet, in case people were wondering. And every so often, I'll do, like, live action stuff, and I'm confronted by the fact that, like, who is that giant fat ass in the camera?

I'm like, oh, God. So I then go on, like, a weird diet kick, which I'm currently on again. So I'm just like, back to the gym I go. So yeah, I'm shaming myself back to the gym. You gotta shame yourself. Yeah, I did two miles today, so I feel pretty good about that. But it's not a lot, but I was like, I gotta go back. Did your mommy mail you too?

No. Jesse? Looks like you got a little bigger there. She'll probably go back to the gym. She doesn't do that anymore. They've given up. My parents have got a little bigger there. She'll probably go back to the gym. She doesn't do that anymore. They've given up. My parents have literally given up on that. Except A-Lay's story. Yeah, they don't.

Unless they're here. But the thing is, I think it's funny because every time that they are about to come out, I end up going back to the gym. I think it might be subconscious. Probably. Because every time that they come out here, they're coming out at the end of November Thanksgiving. Every time they come out here, I end up losing weight again. And they're like, wow, you're looking good.

And then they leave and I'm like, oh, I could use a freaking hamburger. And I'm like, oh, well, whatever. But, yeah, no, I was looking through Amazon Prime, right? Or Fresh. Amazon Prime, right? Or Fresh. So my continuation of the story of Amazon Fresh is that I had to cancel it because after looking through everything,

I decided 99% of it I can buy at a grocery store and know it's fresh. Yeah. And then most of the stuff on there that I want to buy is like from bakeries and like delicious looking things, but I know are like, here's your 14 billion calorie,

like delicious cupcake. Yeah. And I was like, Oh God, I want that so badly, but I don't need that. So I was like, all right,

well I have to cancel this thing. And so I, I canceled it and they gave me a full refund, which is great. Thank God for, for 30 day trials. But, um,

I, yeah, the stuff I got was okay. It wasn't bad, but it was, you know, it was stuff I could get anywhere. Yeah. And it's kind of like, well, I don't necessarily know that I would ever pay for, like, a service like this. I don't know. I don't know. I can't recommend it, but whatever.

Not recommended, but if you want to try it, go ahead. Yeah, you get 30 days. If you live in NorCal, SoCal, or Seattle, go ahead and try it and see what kind of crazy stuff you can get. But I will tell you, 90% of the stuff on it is essentially just baked goods. Baked goods and coffees and oils and cheeses. Those are easy to transport. Yeah, yeah. It's basically the easiest stuff you can transport. And then stuff you can get on Amazon anyway. Yeah.

Like, yeah, no, I definitely need more toilet paper. Like, what kind? Look. Look. Look. Look. Look. You can just go to the grocery. You don't have to The toilet paper you're going to get on Amazon just go to the Just take five minutes. Just take five minutes of your life. Leave the house.

You know what? That's some of the most fun I have during the day. I I get to go to the – look, I go to the grocery store three times a week because I only buy certain things that I'm going to need for the next few days. Right? And then I use all those up and I go out because I like fresh stuff. I do too. I'm like a big creep because I'm like, well, I don't want a normal person would buy five bananas, right? Yeah. I buy two bananas because I don't want to have to eat a banana on the third day that's not in its prime. Like that's the kind of crazy level I'm at.

It's not a prime banana. And so I'm like, well, if I go back on day three and get a banana, it's a brand new fresher banana and it tastes better. That's where I'm at in life. And then every time I'm at in life So And then I get Every time I'm there I get coffee And the lady who runs the coffee thing Her Her boyfriend

Dare I say fiance If not fiance you should Basically be her fiance bro Listens to this podcast And so She gives me a hard time about saying Ask me to see the Fedadin All the time

All the time And I'm like You number, friend. All the time. And I'm like, you are a fan. And so I go there like three times a week to go get coffee. And then I shop. Today I got free coffee. Oh, yeah. Although I'm not supposed to say nothing. Oh, I mean.

I definitely didn't get free coffee today. Yeah, every once in a while I'll get some free coffee. And I'm like, yeah, thank you. Yeah. It's great. I love it. Today, I got a, they didn't have the coffee that I wanted because their espresso machine was broken, so they just gave me an even bigger coffee. Well, what'd you get?

Just coffee. What do you normally get? A vanilla latte. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah? You gotta get a salted caramel mocha. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Yeah? You gotta get a salted caramel mocha. No, no, no. Pass.

Grande vanilla latte. You gotta get a salted caramel mocha. Simple. I don't want all that in me. Look, I want the taste of coffee and I want the taste of vanilla. And I want it to be a little creamy. I don't want all that in me. Stop.

Wait. No, you stop. You stop. This is going to be a 35-minute podcast about coffee. I'm just saying, it's the salted caramel mocha. If you like the smell of coffee, it tastes like the smell of coffee. But that's not what I want. That's what everybody wants.

That's not what I want. I only have two levels of coffee. Coffee, plain coffee, and then vanilla latte. Any any other coffee i'm just not a fan of you can keep your cappuccinos oh you can you can keep your uh your whip sloppy loppy i was just saying the other day how like speaking starbucks is like speaking a different language just like i want a mocha three shot double frap no whip. It's just like, what? I think I tweeted the other day. I'm going to look this up because it was amazing.

This is an actual order. Okay. I overheard this in front of me. I want a sugar-free vanilla latte, 104 degrees, double half shot, whole milk. 104 degrees? 104 degrees. This is legitimately what I heard someone say And all I can tell you is First off

Sugar free vanilla latte I can accept that I don't know why you would get a sugar free vanilla latte Just get coffee and put cream in it Whatever Sugar free vanilla latte 104 degrees Which I think someone said

Is just below the boiling point of milk. Interesting. But I don't know that that's true, but apparently that's a thing. But then, so already it's super douchey, but then it goes double half shot whole milk. Double half shot. Whole milk. Whole milk. So think about this.

Sugar-free vanilla latte, right? So you imagine this person's trying to be sort of like health conscious, right? Then whole milk, you screw that up. It makes no sense. Then double half shot. So basically, that is two half shots of, I guess, espresso, which essentially is a whole shot? Yeah. Like, what?

Yeah. Just take a moment. Take a moment to think about that. That was a real order. I tweeted it. That's from the 18th of October 2014. On my tweetster. Double half shot. Not a double

shot. A double shot I get. Yeah, double shot. Two espresso shots. Double half shot? Is that like a special type of espresso? Like half caffeine espresso? I looked it up. It was half and half. No, but a double half shot. Maybe it is.

Maybe they're referring to double. Why are we looking into this? What the fuck is going on? I don't know. I don't even care. I don't even care. It just blew my mind. That's the kind of stuff you can expect at Starbucks.

People just have stupid Starbucks order. I was behind one lady. She's on the phone. She's like, Jerry, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want do you want and she like said like three times and the person's just like can you just please order and then she's like do you have do you have flower tea and they're just like we have some herbal teas and she's like they have herbal teas um no no i was just like oh my god and she's like fine he's not gonna get anything and she hangs up and she's like can i get a venti uh double frappe latte soy hold the something four

shots and because it gets kind of that's not strong enough when you do it that way. And I was like, oh, my God. And then I went up and I was like, can I have coffee? I honestly don't. I don't think it's necessarily Starbucks people, although I believe most of them go to Starbucks. The people that anger me the most in the world are people who are oblivious to their surroundings. Yeah. People who are oblivious to their surroundings. Yeah. People who are so obsessed with their own.

Like, if I had to make a top ten list of things I hated, this would be number one. People who are so obsessed with their own world. Like, that shit just revolves around them and everyone just needs to get out of the way or, like, they just don't care. Right? Those people drive me nuts. People bring their kids everywhere. Like best, best example ever is while at the grocery store, I'm walking through like trying to get stuff. So I like I'm like, oh, I'll make a sandwich.

This will be them. So I'm picking stuff out. And I and so I go to get down the aisle and in the middle of the aisle, this woman has left her grocery cart in the middle of the aisle and is looking at her phone while standing in the one place that I can get past to look at, uh, this,

like, she's, I don't even know what's going on. She's looking at her phone, but staring at this wall of various goods and cheeses and stuff, right? Mm-hmm. I'm like, excuse me. Nothing.

I'm like, excuse me. And she's just tapping away at her phone. I'm like, excuse me. And then another older lady comes up, and she's like, excuse us, dear. Nothing. And so I literally Just start to squeeze by And then the girl goes oh god I'm so sorry And like moves her stuff and I'm like

Really? You were so in your text That you couldn't Acknowledge that there was not one But two people now trying to get by you And you didn't like in my mind Everywhere I go I might just be bred this way.

It might be because, and I think this might be, it might be like a multi-tiered thing, right? But I think being a bigger dude, you're always aware of, like, your space. And you don't want to be the guy who's just like, I'm going to take up everything. And so, like, you want to be accommodating for other people and so one of the things that drives me crazy is seeing people who don't do that who just don't give a shit that there are other people in their space and are just focused on themselves

and it drives me nuts because if I have a shopping cart I'll move it to the side I won't leave it in the middle of the aisle if I'm looking at something I will stand as close as humanly possible to that thing so that I'm not just walking around in the aisle like it's all I'm doing is being considerate because I know there are other people around me who are living their lives who don't want to have to deal with the hassle of some idiot on their phone, like, I've got to leave a personal

message to a friend because, ooh, this beer on sale, ooh, I should get this. You know what? I'm going to break that damn bottle over your head. Yeah. Kill you. Yeah, kill. I swear to God, if you see me go to, if I ever go to jail one day, and you ask me why I did it, I will tell you, because some idiot was just standing in the middle of the road,

like, oh my God. Oh my God. Wait, are the people in parking lots? The other day I was driving. They just walk down the middle? Oh, yes. Walk down the side. Why are you walking down the middle of the parking lot?

Yeah. It makes no sense. The other day, I'm driving down the road, and I'm going to go turn, a left-hand turn, right? Mm-hmm. But, you know, in order to go left-hand, you have to wait for the crosswalk to pass, and so I'm just waiting patiently, and the crosswalk blinks, and it's done, right? Yeah.

And the crosswalk blinks and it's done, right? Yeah. Just as I'm about to turn, two people on bikes come racing across the crosswalk. And then the guy goes across, but the girl stops in the middle of the road to adjust a strap on her bike. As I'm waiting there, as the traffic is coming at me, waiting to go, and I'm like, hello? And then her boyfriend rides his bike back in front of my car and gives me this death glare like, don't you run over my girlfriend. What? Why would you yell at me?

Go to your girlfriend and say, lady, move it. Yeah. Here's the difference. Here's the difference. If I had said girlfriend who was there, right, I would say to her, move it. I wouldn't be like, oh, hold on, baby. This asshole wants to run you over. I'd be like, that asshole's going to run you over if you don't move.

Like, get the hell out of the road. Like, what are you doing in the middle of the road? Like, that level of inconsiderate drives me crazy. I hate people like that. Hate them. And if I do go on a murder spree, that will be why. Someone will have done something so inconsiderate and rude that I will literally

just kill them. And it won't be that pussy way out of like, I have a gun, I'm gonna shoot people. No. It would be with my bare hands. I would choke the life out of them so I could watch them die. I would jump out of that car and choke that man in the street

and then choke his girlfriend. I'd make the girlfriend watch me choke the man for defending her then I'd choke her and then I'd get back in the car and drive away. I feel like you've thought about this a lot. Oh my god. Every damn day. People would be people would be like people on the street would applaud

me for that murder. That's what I feel like is going to happen. But it's like these people, like most people, they might be doing something, but there's always that part of them that's still aware of things. Like if you're walking down an aisle and they're in the way, they step out of the way,

even though they're still looking at something. Cause it's like, there's still that part of them that's like, all right, someone's coming by, but I'm looking at this thing. Right? Yes.

But it's like, there's some people just like, so into thing like i can't do that maybe that's my ability to like not generate enthusiasm very often but i can't get that focused on something i'm just too distracted i'm just like there's somebody else coming over here there's something here oh this person's coming around i'm just like that's because you're considerate of other people and you don't want to be a hassle and a pain in the ass. And some people enjoy that. Some people love to

be that person. Like, oh, am I in your way? Didn't mean to get your attention. I will strangle the light on you. Oh, the other day when I was driving, I saw this lady wearing a sign that was like one of those prophet signs and it was like, Obama is Satan. Kill him or something. And I was like, I saw this lady wearing a sign that was like one of those prophet signs. And it was like, Obama is Satan. Kill him or something.

And I was like, what? Those people annoy me too. Crazy people. You annoy me. I was like, and there was another guy walking. And he had one that was like Obama bin Laden. And there was a third guy. And his was like, Obama is a rat.

And he had Obama with whiskers and a rat tail and they were trying to hand out pamphlets and I was like, yes, they're crazy. That's just as crazy as when people had Bush dressed like Hitler and stuff. That's crazy. You're a crazy person. No normal person does that. Normal people have jobs they do. I gotta go to work

today. I can't sit out in the street with my, I made this picture of Barack Obama look like a rat. And pamphlets. Yeah, no one does that. You're a crazy person. Alright, we need to actually do our show now. Oh yeah, we do. Alright, let's go to the

traffic episode of the Sky with Grendor. How's that traffic out there? Traffic today is not bad for a time travel on Thursday. We got Samuli down there and he's chilling with Jason Cochran and Karen Foecke. They're having a blast. They're also looking for McRibs. They can't seem to find any, though, but I'm sure they'll find one eventually.

There's also NerdBurglar. He's stealing some nerds out of the bank. Damn it, Nerd Burglar. Back to you. Thanks, Crendor. Now let's go over to Crendor at the weather desk. Well, since we're talking about rude people today, I thought we'd head on down to Rude Croatia.

I don't know that that's how it's pronounced, but okay. It is. R-U-D-E. Rude. All right. Man, those Croat creation sure are rude i mean there's actually a lot of rudes there's rude sweden germany croatia denmark bosnia and what does it mean there i don't think it means impolite it probably means like town of happy

people it probably does uh well today's going to be 55 degrees sunny. You got mostly sunny tomorrow. You got that Saturday clouds moving out. And then you got more sun moving in on Sunday. Going to be about 60 degrees pretty much for the next forever. Great. Also, Weather Channel says, is weed dating the new thing? Weed dating?

Weed dating. What? I don't know. That's the Weather Channel. What are you talking about? Last time I saw a Weather Channel thing, it was like, this lady died. I was like, what? Weather Channel, you should not be giving us news.

No. Or advice. Or anything, really. Just the weather. I mean, they also recommend mysterious giant sharks may be everywhere. Mysterious giant sharks? Great. Well, that just settles the fact

that I'll never go in the ocean again. Yep, and that's the weather. Mysterious giant sharks? Mysterious. They're so mysterious. Like, even I am not afraid of that. That's stupid. Mysterious giant sharks.

Ooh, they can be everywhere. And guess what? They carry Ebola, too. Ooh, and illegal immigrants coming to take your jobs. That's, yeah, giant sharks that spit Ebola-infested illegal immigrants come to take your jobs. Hey, you know what? They could probably do it better than a lot of the people here. How did that happen, Grendel?

It's a mystery. Mysterious giant sharks also probably do the jobs a lot better than a lot of people here. They're probably also very considerate. Yes, mysterious giant sharks, pretty considerate. You notice they aren't the ones attacking humans. They're probably also very considerate. Yes. Mysterious giant sharks? Pretty considerate. You notice they aren't the ones attacking humans. It's those little asshole tiny sharks. Exactly.

Giant sharks don't do it. Yeah. No one's ever been attacked by a giant mysterious shark. You know why they're mysterious? Because they're not assholes like every other shark. They're the nice sharks of the sea. They're the socially awkward sharks. They're just like,

I hope I'm not doing anything wrong. I don't want people to hate me. I'm gonna hang out really deep in the water so no one finds me. Yep. Thanks, mysterious giant sharks. Yeah, thanks, mysterious giant sharks. You're cool. You're cool. And let's go over to sports. Alright.

Sports. We got some baseball news. The San Francisco Janes have won the World Series. Yeah, I know because every asshole from San Francisco on my Twitter account was like, Yeah, we did it, boys. You did nothing. You did nothing. You did nothing.

Your sports team won. You did nothing. Yeah, you didn't do it. You just helped them by cheering, and that didn't help at all. You just helped them by cheering, and that didn't help at all. You just now started to care about sports when a team in your city got to the World Series. Don't pretend otherwise. On the bright side for the Cubs, though, they've hired ex-Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon, who's better than every manager the Cubs have ever had.

Still pretty bad, though. But they're on the rise. Cubs are on the rise they might get back to that game before the world series again that'd be exciting cubbies are on the rise yep one day one day they'll do it one day yep that's sports all right what's our big news story of the day so uh first first we have to do break-in suspect dresses as Teletubby, allegedly steals Chinese food and man purse. Are you sure it wasn't a Teletubby? And are you sure it just didn't steal its purse back and get hungry for Chinese? I don't know.

Maybe the real story there is Teletubby finds man who stole purse, steals back, steals Chinese food as well. Well, this happened in Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania police arrested a break-in suspect dressed in a yellow Teletubby costume over the weekend. Oh, well, that's the problem. The yellow Tubby didn't have a purse. Yeah, he didn't have the purse. That's why.

Yeah, that's why. The man who is not identified reportedly broke into his friend's house after a Halloween party and stole Chinese food. A Bethlehem police report obtained by the smoking gun states the man raided the fridge, dumped the food in his man purse, and fled. Cops. What? He just went in to get food? Is that it?

Yeah. He went in to get food, took the food, and then he left. All right. Can I ask a question then he recollected. All right. Can I ask a question? Uh-huh. Good question. Even if you're from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, is it still cool to dress as a Teletubby for a Halloween party?

I don't think so. I feel like we're past that. I feel... There's no way you're going to go to a Halloween party dressed as a Teletubby and people are going to be like, awesome costume. They're going to be like, oh,ressed as a Teletubby And people are going to be like awesome costume They're going to be like oh it's a Teletubby It's not even Halloween yet That's those weird people who are like

Man we celebrate Halloween early Because that's the only time we can have a party Then don't celebrate Halloween You can't do it on Halloween On all Hallows Eve like the rest of us In worship of Satan Then why do it? Why do it?

My favorite thing is there's a show here in LA that is like basically they answer Christian questions. And I heard an ad for it and it was literally like, is it okay to celebrate Halloween? I was like, in what world is there really someone who's... You know what? Of course there are. I should shut up. Of course there are people who are like, this is the devil's day. And the devil will rise.

Of course there are those weirdos. But for... No. It's a time when your kids get to dress up and have fun and go around. And people get to give candy to your kids. And everyone's like, yay, it's a fun time. It's a celebration of being scared and spooky crap. And like, ooh, it's the last, like, fun release of energy you get to have before you spend two months dealing with your damn family because you have Thanksgiving and Christmas.

And they're like, I'm going to tell you about my problems. Did I tell you why Obama's the worst? You know what's even more worse? That Bill O'Reilly Obama's the worst? You know what's even more worse? That Bill O'Reilly, I hate you. You know what's even more worse? And they just compound on each other. And your asshole in-laws and your asshole relatives and all those old people come over and you have to deal with all of them. And then you just lose your mind.

You lose your mind. You lose it. And this is the last little bit of fun we get to have. Before that happens. This is the last little bit of fun we get to have. Before that happens. Before we have to spend two months in a cave with your family that you never see the rest of the year. This is the last thing.

And then January comes around, and then you have a bunch of months of snow, and then you might as well just be dead. Might as well just be dead, really. Like hibernation month. This is the last. No one goes like, oh, we can't celebrate St. Patrick's Day in America because alcohol is a sin. No. No. People get wasted on St. Patrick's Day because they're like, it's St. Patrick. He's a saint.

No devil's there. We can't celebrate Thanksgiving because glutton's a sin. Right? None of that. None of that. We're giving thanks to the Indians that we killed. Like, no, no one has a problem with that. They gave us corn.

We gave them graves. We gave them graves. We didn't even give them graves. It was killed. Yeah, that's true. We gave them blankets and let them die. Thank you for saving us. Thank you.

Let me tell you the story of Thanksgiving. Our ancestors, well, actually, not really ours, but some very rich white folks' ancestors, they came over and they were like, oh, we're going to freeze to death in this cold winter. If only we hadn't taken the Mayflower and come to this nation that is yet to be founded. And before they died, some wonderful Native Americans showed up and were like, Hey, white guys, you want some food to learn how to actually live here? And we were like, that would be quaint. Thank you so much. And then we shared a feast together in brotherly love.

Years later, we murdered all of them. Well, that's why Tinky Winky steals their food. And they're like, Tinky Winky, why are you stealing our corn and maize? He's like, because you invited me to your party. And I figured if you invited me to your party, I might as well screw you. It's the American way. It is the American way. I was going to do this Halloween story

but I figured I'll just save that for Halloween also people tweet us if you're from like a crazy European country tweet us if you do anything crazy for Halloween or if there's like those don't be that guy who's like I worship Satan cause then everything I said will have been for nothing

he'll be like I am the devil and he is inside of me. Don't do that. Don't be that guy. Don't be that weirdo who's like, yes, the dark one speaks to me. Give us like funny things. Like those little elf, dwarf elf midget people on Christmas. Like the 12 Swedish.

Like we want some of that. Oh, are you thinking there's like 12 demons of Halloween? Yeah, there's got to be something in like Germany. Like Germany has some of that. Oh, are you thinking there's like 12 demons of Halloween? Yeah, there's got to be something in Germany. Like Germany has some demon stuff. Griselgroth the Slayer. Morgoth the Impaler. Zugheimer. Zugheimer the Pencil Licker.

Mummo the Mummifier. Right? There's always one that has the... Like all of them have pretty scary things. Then there's the one that's like Gr Grigelnagel, the spoon kicker. Kicking those spoons. Kicking these spoons. You hear the spoons clack down the hallway.

You know Grigelnagel is coming to get you. There's like Candy Swiper. Swipes your candy. Right? Oh, yeah. But his name has to be like candy swiper. Swipes your candy. Right? Oh, yeah, but his name has to be like Brigginsfroggen. The candy swiper.

He swipes your candy. Oh, I want your three musketeers. Oh, yep. That's it. We're done. We're done. Send us real stuff. Yeah, not fake stuff, though.

Not real. We want real stuff. All, not fake stuff, though. Not real. We want real stuff. All right, guys. That's it. Thank you for watching. And as always, to be continued.