Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox n' Crendor: Thursday, September 4th 2014

Episode Date: September 5, 2014

In this episode, Jesse receives a mysterious package in the mail, Crendor proves once again why you should stay in school, and a woman marries a dog. All this and more!!!!

Hello everybody and welcome back to Cox and It's time to be back in the sack. I'm not sure it is, actually. I'm not sure that's what I signed up for today. I'm going to say no. Well, I'm not sure that's what I signed up for today. I'm going to say no. Well, I love sack racing. Oh, oh, double sack racing? Double sack racing. I don't race when I'm in the sack, Crandor.

Hey-o. Hey-o. I don't get it. To get nice and slow. Is this like, are we back in business now? Like, hardcore? Are we just like medium core? Are we like dubstep? Oh, we are full medium core.

We are medium core. Oh, speaking of core, I got the craziest email today. What was it? So, I actually have to turn on my emails here. Alright, turn on the email. So, apparently, a company sent me something, right? And they said it's coming in the mail today, at some point today. So tomorrow I might be dead.

I'm not sure. Because this is what it says. Hold on. Where is it? Wait, is this the Yakuza again? It's not the Yakuza. You would think it would be the Yakuza. It is not. I can't. You would think it would be the Yakuza. It is not.

I can't find it now. All right. I might have gone insane. Hold on. All right, yeah. So it is sent from a company that I don't want to name yet because I'm not sure if it's a real company or not. I have to look it up first. But it said you should be receiving two boxes in the mail shortly.

The first box is something I think you'll really enjoy. The second box has yet to ship, but when it does, I'll give you more information. Please do not open box one. This is from a legit company. Like, all right, it's a company that works with Amazon, Dell, Adobe, Nike. Like, it's definitely like a promotions company, right? Yeah. I don't know what they're promoting right now,

but apparently I'm on a list to get something from them. All right. So I get this email today that says, Hi, Jesse. The second box of components is coming very soon. I really would like you to make an unboxing video of this. So it might be on the internet. You should be receiving the package of the next 24 hours hence sometime today yes there are written instructions within the box itself

please read these thoroughly before completing the unboxing video additionally we'd like you to take note of the following one the container inside the box is interactive. To operate the container, yes, to operate the container, you must plug it in. The plug is included on the box and the connection is located in the back of the unit near the reset button. Prior to activating the container, please remove the tabs on top they say pull and they are used to hold the core in place for shipping the core the core once the container has been activated and the sequence is complete lower the

core into the tower core into the tower are you like creating a nuclear like or make sure the clasps are clear to prevent crashing in the event your unit should bind up please pull the power cord if all goes wrong hit the emergency button and that's it it's like thank you and that's that's it. That's the, that's the, I'm horrified of this. I don't know what this is. They said they sent two packages, though. Yes. What was the first one?

It said don't open it yet. Oh, yeah. Well, we don't know. But I'm, I'm very, I'm, I don't know what it is. Oh, I'm making a video. It's going to be on the internet. I'm just very worried about what's in this thing because i imagine it i will blow myself up i think what if what if it's a test and the person who opens the box when they say

don't open it actually gets a million dollars well i'd still have the box i mean it wouldn't matter i'd still have the box with a million dollars yeah but it's a's a, these are some high-tech people. They're sending you, like, nuclear cores. So there's a thing in there. I mean, in what world do you get an email where it's like, pull back the tabs on the core before lowering it into the tower? That's horrifying. No, it makes sense. The first box has the original core.

You pull the tabs on the core before the timer runs out. When they say open the box, the timer's out. Your time to get that million dollars is gone. You gotta pull the tab and then you earn the million dollars. I feel like that's not the case. But I am eager to see what the hell is in this thing. Oh man. I can't wait.

I can't wait. I'm very excited. I hope it's something cool and not actually a bomb. Wait, so they've worked with Nike and Amazon, Alienware, Dell, a few other things, a few other logos I don't recognize on this thing.

So it could be some sort of sporting computer. Maybe. I don't know what it is. Oh, man, that'd be awesome if it was a computer, but it sounds like it's a nuclear bomb. It does. It sounds like it's a nuclear bomb. A sports. And not a nuclear, a nuclear bomb.

Nuclear. Like the family. Like the nuclear family. Nuclear. Nuclear. Isn't that from The Simpsons? It's from America is what it is. Speaking of America, last episode we brought up America

and we asked you guys, what are some things that Americans find offensive when people from overseas come to America? And I think the best response was from Weeboo, which was not being American is pretty offensive to Americans. I mean, that's

pretty accurate. That's pretty accurate. We're doing our damnedest to make you all Americans. We are giving you everything we can to complete your Americanization. You guys need to just get with it. And then, when you become an American, we can complain that you're now an American that wasn't born in America. Oh, that's the best part. Go home. Go home, foreigner.

Yeah, go back home. Go back home. Go home. Wow. They should have stayed in America. Oh, that's the best part. Go home. Go home, foreigner. Yeah, go back home. When you go home, you're like, wow, they should have stayed in America. Got a lot of opportunity here. Also, also, we called New Zealanders Zoolanders and Zealies and whatever.

They're called Kiwis. Like the fruit? I don't know. I like Kiwis. What about fruit? I don't know. I like kiwis. What about kiwi? I thought kiwis were like those little flightless birds. I bought one at the local market by you once and ate it. Did you? Usually I buy them at my local market. Well, you spotted one at mine one day.

Yeah, I did. So that's a thing. I was trying to remember if I left it there for you to eat because I forgot or if I ate it, but I remember eating it. Every time you come to visit visit that is something that happens. You frequently buy more food than necessary for a human being and then just leave it. Like eh Jesse will eat it.

You need food. You run out. You might be the only human being on earth to be like you know what Cox you need food. You really need food. You probably should eat something. I tonight ate a hot dog at a movie theater i'm not feeling too well about that mentally and physically i just i

was hungry i wanted dinner and i was late for a movie and i uh well i guess last night sorry tonight i can't have it's not the future it I can't have... It's not the future. It's not the future, but it's the past. But it's not the past. We're in the present. I was stumbling over myself because I realized that that doesn't make any sense, what I said. So last night, went to the movies, didn't get a chance to eat, and so I ate at the theater and got a hot dog. And it was a $4 hot dog that tasted like garbage.

And I was like, mmm. But I was so hungry it didn't matter. And now my stomach hurts and I'm like burping up what I think is pepper. I don't know. Okay, here's the thing. Number one, tell me the texture of the hot dog. I don't quite remember it because I remember the doughiness of the bun more. Okay, was it a small hot dog, a big hot dog?

Oh, it was definitely a small hot dog because they had a $5 super big hot dog that was like the XL beef hot dog. But when we asked if they had those, the guy was like, we don't even make those. So it definitely wasn't that. Okay. What's this?

I didn't want to get a hot dog. I wanted to get my watermelon Sour Patch Kids, but they don't have those there. They don't have watermelon Sour Patch Kids? I wanted to get my watermelon Sour Patch Kids, but they don't have those there. They don't have watermelon Sour Patch Kids? I was going to have watermelon Sour Patch Kids for dinner. And instead, they're like, sorry, we don't have any. They're all out. So I got – I wanted to get a – because, you know, I'm healthy.

I wanted to get a Diet Coke, like a gallon Diet Coke and a hot dog. And so I went to go get a – you know, I had the hot dog and I went to go get a Coke and all the Coke machines were broken. So I had to go, yeah, I had to go to like the next floor to go to the vending machines there or like, you know, the things and go get Coke there. And they didn't have any Diet Coke. So I had to settle for Pepsi Max. Who drinks Pepsi Max? Nobody. Nobody likes Pepsi Max.

I didn't even know they made Pepsi Max. It's like caffeinated, like super caffeinated with ginseng Pepsi. It's disgusting. Pepsi in general, they're like, try Pepsi with real ingredients in it. It's like lost. Wow, great. Not even. So that's what I had.

So all in all tonight, I've had it. Wait, I'm not done with the hot dog questions. Oh, okay, sorry. So, was it like a 7-Eleven hot dog where it's on those little like rails? Oh, no, no, no. This was a preformed hot dog. It was in a box. The box was lined with tinfoil, and in the tinfoil wrapped in it was a hot dog already in a bun, and it was sitting in one of those like warmer things.

God knows how long. I know what you're talking about. Yes. I know what you're talking about. Yes. I know what you're talking about. So it was like a ballpark dog. That was like when they go around, like get your hot dogs here and they throw a hot dog at your face. It was like that kind of rap.

And there was, I went to look for toppings. There were no toppings. You ate, you got your meat and you got your bread deal with it. That's it. I was like, well,

this is fun. So that's, that's what I had for dinner. Any other fascinating questions? No, that pretty much explained everything. We did go see the 30th anniversary of Ghostbusters last

night. That's why we went to the theater. It was awesome. It was really good? Well, Ghostbusters is a great movie. It was interesting to see. We sat in the middle of the theater And it's very grainy Because it's a 30 year old movie Because we saw it on the huge XD

Extreme cinema screen Which is like, maybe it's too extreme for a 30 year old movie It takes a little while to get used to But it was fun And I realized something that only happens in 80s movies Music tells you what's happening in the scene. That's true. So in Ghostbusters, for example, there's a song as they go to the final confrontation with Gozer.

It's like, saving the day. Boo, boo, boo. Saving the day. Right? And there's other songs in there. And I realized most movies should have that stuff now. That's true. And I realized most movies should have that stuff now. That's true.

All movies should have songs that depict what's happening in the scene to let the audience know what they should feel. I know they have music that relates to the scenes, but are you saying, like, if you're flying through the danger zone, you play flying through the danger zone. Right, right, right, right, right, right. Like Top Gun. Flying highway to the danger zone. Right, right, right, right, right, right. Like Top Gun. Flying highway to the danger zone. You're like, damn, that is the danger zone, right? Yeah, exactly. That's what we need in movies now. We need songs that describe what you should feel in the scene.

So, like, you know, they have to be very descriptive. So if, like, a guy's on a date with a girl, it's like, he's kissing her hand and now her neck, and then they're going to do it. It's called they're gonna do it right and they start kissing no hold on there's a flaw in the system here's the flaw zero flaws no okay all right now when we do this to new movies are we gonna use modern music are we gonna use 80 use 80s music? Oh, 80s music. Are you kidding me? Well, then do you need new 80s music? Well, that's what I'm saying.

We bring back all the 80s acts, and we get them to just re-record new songs. So maybe a movie starts out, and it's about a down-on-his-luck guy, and it's like, He's working at a diner, nine to five, struggling just to stay alive. And it's him scrubbing a table at a diner, right? And then it's like, the guys in the corner, they hate him. And there's like two guys like, we don't like you. And he's like, but he's got to do it. So that's the story.

And it's him just scrubbing. Right? And then there's like a scene where he's like, you know, a guy's like, driving down the road. That's what I do. Going real fast. Going to see my boo. Honey boo boo. Right? And then there's also. There's what I do. Going real fast, gonna see my boo. Honey boo boo. Right?

And there's all sorts of great things that happen in movies that need the voice of song. 80s song. Yes. So like Jurassic Park. Like, watch out. There's a dinosaur. He's gonna eat your face off, Ian Malcolm. Images appear closer in the mirror.

So, you're saying we need a new category of music called modern 80s. Modern 80s movie music. Yes, that's what I'm saying. I like it. That's exactly what I'm saying. I like it. You got what was going on in Titanic, because it was about her heart going on. Yeah.

Right? It described the emotions that you should feel. Even though that wasn't an 80s song, it would have been better if it was an 80s song. But I'm saying, like, because Celine Dion lived in the 80s and she knows the secret. Oh, that's right. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. Will Smith knew the secret.

Wicked, wicked, wow, wicked, wow, wow, Wes, Jim, Wes, Desperado, right? He had that song. We are the men in black, right? He had that song. Oh, my God, you're right. He got it. The music showed you what you should feel. I know.

It's like you've cracked the code. I've cracked the code. I've cracked the movie code. I've cracked the movie code. You've cracked the movie code. All these movies that just have, like, symphony music and stuff, wrong. The new Star Wars movie, it should be like, Jedi! Jedi are awesome! They use the powers of the Force!

Walking through the Jedi Temple and he spots Anakin, but he is dead. How is he a ghost? Nobody knows it's Anakin. Ghost Obi-Wan appears and talks to Anakin. Now there's two ghosts talking, and then Han Solo sees those ghosts, and it's just like Han Solo looking at ghosts. From my perspective, this is an amazing idea for movies. It is. It is a very good idea.

For once, I agree with Anakin. I think it's a very good idea. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. Yep. I like it. Another good idea is to go to Chopper 7 and scout the Crandor. How's that traffic out there? Whoa, traffic right now is insane. There are people

flying off the roads there, driving their cars off I don't know why oh it's because there's a crazed man with a chainsaw and he's dancing in the middle of the street and people are afraid of them except for that kid that kid is running up to him who is that kid that kid is take your time okay we gotta get a close-up here i'm gonna shift the camera over to john john you gotta close up it's vicky morgan vicky morgan is dancing with the crazed chainsaw man what's the crazed chainsaw man's name uh his name is nathan corwin some people call him nate

but uh we're gonna call him nathan I think it's more of a nice name. And he's putting down the chainsaw. The police are starting to dance with him, too. It's just a big party going on down there. You can skip school or work today to go chill out at that black party on the top of the Golden Gate Bridge. Back to you. Thanks, Crandor. Now let's go to weather.

How's that weather looking? I feel like whenever I do the weather, I'm like, well, there's some great weather over in. I'm not going to say the weather is great. I'm just going to say today in the weather, we're going to Java. Uh-huh. Java, Virginia. What? I did not expect that.

Nope. So today in Java, there's going to be one guy. Who's like, Java? I bet it's Joe Akeem Persone. He lives in Java, Virginia. I don't think so. He's like, oh, man. Well, luckily for you, Joe Akeem.

I don't think that's his name either. That's the whitest pronunciation. Joe Akeem? Is there a Joe Akeem here? Bulls have Joe Akeem Noah I'm just saying if there's anyone who knows how to say the name Joe Akeem it's me

I watch the Chicago Bulls sometimes You got it figured out Today it's going to be scattered storms, 84 degrees. A little bit humid out there in the, I almost said Joaquin, Virginia. It's Java, Virginia. Would be better if it was Joaquin. Close enough. Really, it's just going to be hot and wet.

Yeah, Virginia. That's the weather. And what's happening in the park? Hold on. There's a story. And what's happening? Hold on. There's a story about someone trying to climb their way out. Wait, what? The Weather Channel says there's a story of someone who climbed their way out. Of what?

Her kayak flipped over a canyon wall and she radiated love. What? That's what you get for looking at a news article on weather.com. Wait, and she died? What? What? She tried to climb her way out of a kayak and died? What?

Why is this a story on weather.com? Why is this a story on weather.com? We are right now way too confused over the death of someone that we, I don't understand. This is all weather.com's fault. I told you, don't go to weather.com for your news. God. Assholes. Now, sports.

All right, I think we're gonna need some intense uh sports today so we're gonna look for professional croquet news oh oh is that a thing i hope so williams hits golf ball out of bounds of humor what wait wait it's just a comment from someone i think croquet sports news is literally just comments from random like twitter people wait someone said here's my idea for a f dash sport i knock the ball in a gopher hole. Wait, you mean like what is happening? This doesn't make any sense. Alright.

There's gotta be some croquet news. Come on. Come on, croquet news. Kazi Mansion begins Croquet League. There we go. That's what I was looking for. Give us the dish. Starting in the month of September, owners of the Corsi Mansion

in downtown Milford, Joe Phillips and Jan Brolik will be introducing Milford's first Croquet League. Croquet is a sport that originated in the 19th century, involves hitting wooden or plastic balls with a mallet through wickets

that are placed on the pitch. The league in Milford will consist of 10 adult mixed threesome teams that will play each other this fall. Are we really? Is our national, actually world sporting news, basically a group of like middle-aged white housewives and husbands playing croquet in the backyard. Don't worry, we got some quotes from them. Croquet is a very special sport, and the league will be a great reason for people to come downtown, said Phillips. Anyone can play at any age, and you do not have to be physically fit to participate.

At this point, we hope that the league is more social than competitive. It may be a little late this year to have a larger league but it will be fun for the people to learn how to play the game, said Bruleck. Players will also be giving back to the beautification of Milford. Where is Milford? I have no

idea. Milford what? I don't really know. Milford, Delaware. Great, great. It's in Delaware. Milford what? I don't really know. Milford. Delaware. Great. Great. It's in Delaware. Where is Delaware? Oh, my God.

I know it's on the East Coast. That's all I know. I mean, I know it's over there somewhere. Oh, there. It's by the ocean? I didn't know that. I thought it was, like, way up there, you know? Yup, like, you know, crammed up there with all them states.

Crammed up there. Like, by Boston. I thought it was by Boston. Technically, it's pretty close. Well, it's by New Jersey. Technically, it's pretty close. Well, it's by New Jersey. Technically, that's pretty close to Boston. It's not that close to Boston. Mass?

Yeah, they're all crammed up there. They're all crammed up next to Maine. How long does it take to go from Baltimore to Boston? Those are tiny-ass states. It takes six hours. That's like, wow. That's what I'm saying. They really tiny-ass states. Boston. It takes six hours. That's like, wow. That's what I'm saying. They really are crammed together.

Yeah, by car, it's six hours, 30 minutes. In current traffic, six hours, 44 minutes. Yeah, okay. So you got Delaware, you got Washington. You got Philadelphia, you got New York. Then you go up to New Haven. Through Connecticut, right? And then into Mass.

Boston. Yeah. And then New Hampshire. They're all crammed up in there. Wow. I don't know anything about the East Coast. Those are the original colonies. The 13. Oh, that explains why they're crammed together then.

This is what I would have learned if I paid attention in school. You're welcome, Internet and Crandor. I know about the Midwest. There's really nothing to know. That's why you know so much. That's about it. I know about Chicago. Because there's some people that are like, Chicago?

I know about that. I don't know about the other things. And I'm like, I know about the other things. Not, no. No, not really. You're lying to those poor idiots in Chicago. Wait, does this? Oh, yeah, this started with croquet.

This is sports still. Okay, then let's move on to our big news story of the day. Okay. I got two. Which one do you want? Give me the headlines. Go. We got Mangly Munda, 18, marries dog to ward off curse.

That's pretty good. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Mexican woman Leandra Becerra Lumbreras becomes world's oldest person. Let's go with the woman who married a dog. Mangly Munda. I'm sorry, what's her name? Mangly Munda. Mangly?

Mangly Munda. Like man-glee. Okay, Mangly Munda. Mangly? Mangly Munda. Like man-glee. Okay, Mangly Munda. That is a great name. If that's not a person who subscribed on our Patreon, I don't know who is. Oh my god, and her dog's face is like painted for the marriage. Alright. Many women don't find out their husband's a dog until after they get married.

Ah! Mangly Munda doesn't have that problem. Many women don't find out their husband's a dog until after they get married. Ah ha ha! Manglymunda doesn't have that problem. The 18-year-old, who lives in a small village in the state of Jharkland, India, recently married a stray pooch in order to ward off a curse that her fellow villagers feared would cause the death of any man who married her. Munda's dad, Sri Amunda, said he didn't want to be dogged by the curse any longer than necessary. God, can you stop with the puns article? The village elder told us

that we should organize the wedding as soon as we can, he told Barcroft TV. We had to make sure that the evil spell is destroyed. Amunda found a stray pooch named Shuru and made him the groom in a traditional and elaborate Hindu wedding, even driving him to the ceremony in a chauffeured limousine.

Munda is honest about her feelings about the whole thing. I am not happy with this marriage, she said, according to the Metro. You don't say! There's good news. The dog wedding is only ceremonial. Since it's not legally binding, Mundo will be free to marry a human male who hopefully won't cat around on her.

Jeez. Who wrote that article? Who wrote that? Did that person have a Twitter so we can all shame that person? It was written by David Moy. David M-O-Y-E. You are having too much fun with the news, my friend. He is.

You need to cut it out. The news is about facts, not about cat jokes and dog jokes. Here's the thing, though. Here's the thing. I don't know too much about Indian religion, but I know in most Western cultures, marriage is only biblically official after doing it. Whoa. I'm not sure that's true at all.

But I'm going to say, for the sake of this argument, does she have to do that dog? I mean, you got a valid point there. It's like Game of Thrones. What? What? what what what i mean where they got like they like uh they get married and then they're like go to the bed oh i thought i missed an episode where someone banged a dog i was like what is happening on that show on this episode tarion decides to experiment all right what was that why didn't they talk about the curse she had That's a good question

That's a very good question What was the curse on her Yeah and who put it on her This article was horrible It's a horrible article Who put the curse on the dog We need to find this Who put the curse

On the dog girl Put the curse On the dog girl apparently parks the Caribbean ride did that it's always the I put in, who put the curse on a dog girl? It's always the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. They'll just put curses on you. You gotta marry dogs. Oh, God. Who put the curse on a dog girl?

Dog girl curse India. Girl 18 marries... Okay, this is a Metro UK article. Oh, this has some quotes, too. Oh, my God. India girl 18 Mary okay. This is a Metro UK UK article Well this has some quotes too. Oh my god. They have puns in the barking mad ceremony screw you Write a real news article Metro UK this one has pictures Everything was carried out in proper form for a formal Hindu wedding with Shen new Sitting patiently at the side of his new bride throughout, although it was not legally binding, allowing Mangli to find a suitable partner.

She said, yes, I will marry a man one day. Every girl dreams of marrying a prince. This article says, a teen girl in India was forced to marry a stray dog to pass along a curse to the animal, according to reports. Whoa! The only way she could get rid of it was not to destroy the curse, but in fact, pass the evil spell along to the pooch.

So basically, she just gave the dog a curse. Wow. So in order to save herself, she cursed the dog. A stray dog at that. His name was Shirru. I don't even know that dog. How'd they find it? How'd they know his name? That poor dog. don't even know that dog how'd they find it how did they know that poor dog that dog did nothing to know but he doesn't even have a home yeah that's a stray

street dog and they painted him up and they married him off to a girl he doesn't even know yeah she could be mean she is mean she gave him a curse in his mind he's like all right i'm gonna get married my life's gonna improve this is great she gave him a curse in fact they say villagers have done this to many girls to get rid of evil spirits so there's a bunch of cursed dogs running around in India here's the thing are they gonna like follow this dog around to see if the curse does affect him ah you know what I'm more interested in the dog now I know is the dog really cursed now whoa okay this should be either a book or a movie the cursed dog

it's about a dog who marries a woman but she betrays him passing on her curse the dog is now cursed he has to go out into the world and fend for himself. He can't find love. And every dog girl that he meets dies. That's the curse. Oh, my God. Then, ready for this? Yes. In his last desperate moments, he sees the happy couple,

the woman he loved who gave him the curse, and her new husband at their marriage. And he, in a furious fit of rage, runs up and pees on them. Whoa. And that urine passes the curse onto both of them and they both die. By plague. By urine plague. By urine plague.

That's how the movie ends. And then the dog. No, then it is like a pan around of the dog. The whole wedding is shocked. All people at the wedding are just like, what is happening? But they're all not saying anything. And it just pans around to the dog's face and zooms in. And he's just like, woof, woof, motherfucker.

There you go. That's our movie. That's a great movie. That's a great film. That's it. That's it. That is's a great film That's it That's it That is it That is all we have time for today everybody Thank you for watching

Listening Whatever the hell you're doing right now And As always To be continued