Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox N' Crendor: Wednesday(Tuesday), March 6th 2013

Episode Date: March 6, 2013

After a well deserved break, Jesse and Crendor return with stories of their time in LA. From the rich people mall, to watching bad movies, to....watching more bad movies.... ALSO, we learn the legend of Molasses Mike! Finally Jesse tries to teach the world a lesson about "being the cool kid", but Crendor craps all over it.

Hello everybody, it's time for Ghost on Trending! This is Trending in the morning. In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour recording studios. Recording! Wake your ass up! It's Ghost on Trending in the morning! Hello everybody, it is Tuesday. It's the next friend of the morning! Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy That was horrible. My New York cabbie. What are you doing? I don't know what you're talking about.

There's some guy listening like, Hey, he's trying to impersonate you, the New York cabbie. What an idiot. That reminded me of Stolen. Is that the Nick Cage movie? The new Nick Cage movie that came out. And there's a taxi cab driver. No, the taxi cab dispatcher. He's like, hey, are you

sneeching my dough? And I want to use that in my daily vocab now. Are you sneeching my dough? Are you sneeching my dough? What you doing over there? Anyway, since that is entirely pointless, over the weekend,

Crendor was out here in LA And we hung out and did absolutely nothing So if you're wondering what happened to the podcast That's what happened to it And in that absolute nothing We watched the last half Of that Jamie Foxx Movie Where he's a cabbie

And I was going to say Outbreak But I know that's not the name of it It's Outbreak. Jamie Foxx, Tom Cruise. What is that called? Collateral. Collateral. And Tom Cruise is a hit, man.

It's a mediocre movie. But at one point in the movie, like the melodic music comes on and they see coyotes or wolves in the streets of L.A. And Crandor and I were like, that is the most profound thing ever. I didn't get what it meant. I just thought it was a coyote in the street. And they were just like, oh my god. But everyone, the best part was, the best part was, is we were like, why is there a coyote in the street?

Meanwhile, they were both like, oh damn. There's a coyote in the street. And they just like went into a trance. Yeah, Jamie Foxx like realized that like he wasn't getting out alive, man. He was like, I'm not, I'm not getting out. And Tom Cruise was likex realized that he wasn't getting out alive, man. He was like, I'm not getting out. And Tom Cruise was like, he knows he's not getting out alive. And it clicked with both of them because they saw a coyote.

And they're... I don't... I guess it was supposed to symbolize like the society can even be savage. I don't know. Look, we're stretching on this one. I don't know. My mind is way not hip enough. To understand what was going on in that movie.

90% of that movie was like callbacks to earlier in the movie that were like we're too hip to even be making this movie for you. So just deal with it. And then the ending. The ending where he told the story in the beginning about the guy on the train that dies and then nobody notices

because they think he's asleep on the train. And then Tom Cruise at the end he guy on the train that dies and then nobody notices because they think he's asleep on the train. And then Tom Cruise at the end, he dies on the train. And it looks like he's sleeping. By the way, if you haven't seen this movie, you're not missing anything. And then he's like, before he dies, he goes, do you think anyone will notice?

No, dude. No one cares. I mean, they won't. There's an old lady on the thing reading a book. There's a gunfight and this old lady's like, are you fighting with guns over there? I can't hear myself think. My nephew has one of the video games machines too. They are playing the video games in real life. The kids these days with their violent PlayStations.

Back in my day, all we had were three ounces of milk and a ball. I did not think you were going to say milk. It's like three ounces of what? Granny? What else did we do this weekend? We went to the Rich People Mall. Oh, my goodness. So we went to the Rich People Mall, and if you saw our Twitter account,

you know that we found a vending machine that sells caviar, but only for cash. Look, we were going to spend $500 on caviar, but when it said cash only, we were like, whoa, hold up. Yeah, that just, I was like, who carries cash? Apparently, rich people do. Apparently. And if you're filthy rich, what about you is going to be like, you know what? I could go to the filthy rich caviar store, but I'd rather go to the vending machine.

Yeah, you just need it right now. You're just like, oh, man, I'm craving craving this caviar And what else did we do there? We saw a bunch of stores We saw Little Si Oh yeah, we did Oh my god And we saw that guy with the french fries It's complimentary

Oh yeah, no, that was Si, Little Si Okay, so there was this kid there And we're gonna call him Little Si Because he looked like a preteen version of Psy. And he was dressed just like him too. So you know at his school he's the hippest, coolest kid there. Yeah. Is what we'd have said like four months ago.

Anyway. So he's walking around with like this other girl. And they go to this place called Take a Bow, which is an Asian restaurant. B-A-O. Anyway. And they go to this place called Take a Bow, which is an Asian restaurant. B-A-O. Anyway, so, and this kid has to wait, I guess, like five minutes extra. So they give him a free thing of fries. Like, hey, you know, these are complimentary on the house. And he takes a bite of it and throws it down and goes like,

it would be a compliment if they were any good. I was like, damn, kid. Take the fries, you asshole. It was amazing. I was like, these are rich people. What a dick. It was wonderful. That was.

Yeah. I did buy something at the Rich People Mall, though. I will admit. I bought a $9 copy of Shadows of the Colossus at the Sony store, which was on sale. Because I guess no one goes to the Sony store at all. And they're like, is that the sale section? Like, yeah. And they're like, uh.

Sorry. Look, it was $9. That's a steal. It is a steal. Oh, we also saw a booty pant. So we're walking through the mall and we see, I don't know if it was the Gap or some store, maybe a fitness store? Booty pants.

It was just some random store. They don't have the Gap at this mall. Basically this mall is like all the upscale places, more upscale, and then a bunch of weird things thrown in, like a Subway. We saw a dude eating a giant Sub just walking like, Hey, I'm eating a Sub. What you gonna do about it?

He was really enjoying it. He wasn't, like, two-handing it. He had it one-handed. Like, holding it like it was a baseball bat. Just chomping off the top like, I'm in a hurry. I'm gonna eat this Sub. What you gonna do about it? I mean, I wouldn't want to fight about it. It was a meatball Sub, too, which made it even better. You gonna fight me about my sub?

And he was just strutting up and down the mall like I don't care I'll eat my sub. What you gonna do about it? He just picks a random person like you looking at me? You looking at my sub? Well you know what? Of course it would be one of the little old Asian ladies there. They're like I don't know what you're talking about. Of course it would be one of the little old Asian ladies there Who are like I don't know what you're talking about You're looking at my sub Here you eat this sub

I don't want to eat this sub You eat this sub And speaking of which All the Asian women If you're an Asian woman you're either 12 or 40 You look the exact same It's all in the face It's unbearable

how, like, Asian women age. I would love to be an Asian woman. I'm letting you know right now. I would too. I would live forever. Holy crap. They do not age at all. There was a woman and her daughter, and they looked

the same age. I was like, this is not a thing. And the only way you could tell the difference was they turned around, and one had like, wrinkle, like slight wrinklage in her face. Slight, very slight. And you have to like, use a magnifying glass. This is like, whoa, hold on. You need

to stop this. And then there was plastic surgery people, there was the woman with like the freaky lips. Oh yeah, the lip woman. Like the giant freak lips. She was scary, the lip woman. Like, the giant freak lips. She was scary. She just looked like... Wait, what happened with the booty pant? Oh, yeah, we were talking about booty...

Sorry, we got off topic. So, booty pants comes by. And so we're at the mall, and we see a sign at this one store for booty pants. And it hit us two things. One, how do they work? And two, are they comfortable? Actually, I have a picture of it. It says, let the compliments begin.

Try the new perfect booty pant. And on the pictures, those were some perfect booties. So the questions we had were those. I mean, one, how do they work? I assume they push the butt cheeks up. But then, if that's the case, Aren't they like yoga pants? But, is it constricting?

In your butt area? If you're a woman, does it make your butt, like, hard as metal back there? What is going on? How does that work? Look, we need women to tell us about your butts, is what we're saying. If you want to write in and describe your butts to us,

and if you have any pictures, any evidence to back this up, we would gladly accept it. It's for science is what it is. It's a Jesse Cox tombstone quote right there. It's for science. At the end, it's going to be like, everything I did was for science. Look, ladies, if you want flying cars, I need to know how you keep your butts up, okay?

Butts being held up, defying gravity, is the same thing as cars defying gravity. There were also the pigeons. Oh, that's true. There were pigeons inside the indoor cafeteria area. And they were just, like, chilling. They're like, hey, man. They're probably trying to get away from the guy with the sub he's like i'm gonna eat the sub you want to fight about it the pigeon's like i really would like that sub oh i really he's like oh you ain't getting it i'm gonna eat this up before you pigeon pigeon you don't even know someone sent me two more

squishables oh stop sending him squishables, people. Now I've been sent a Cthulhu, a Yeti, and a red dragon. Squishables are the worst thing since spirit hoods. Stop it. No, they're not. They're much better. You don't wear them on your head. Send him a squishables with a spirit hood on it.

No, I don't want spirit hoods. That's him saying he wants it. I just want squishables. If you're a Crendor fan, you will send him a lot of spirit hoods. That's him saying he wants it. I just want squishables. If you're a Crendor fan, you will send him a lot of spirit hoods. Good thing I have no fans, and I just have people that want to send me squishables. Just Squishable Corporation. Like, wow, that Crendor guy, he certainly loves squishables. Let's send him some.

Squishables Corporation, if you're listening, just send me all of them. SquishCorp. It's their brand. SquishCorp. Squishables Corporation, if you're listening, just send me all of them. Squish Corp. It's their brand. Squish Corp. What else fun do we have? What else fun did we have? Yes. We have all fun we had.

We got breakfast. That's true. We did get breakfast at a wonderful place, and the guy brought you coffee. Lots of coffee. He brought me coffee. He kept refilling the coffee. And when he had his final moment, the final stretch, he failed. He just didn't show up.

He just didn't show up. He didn't show up. We sat down. He poured us coffee like two seconds later he was back, like pouring more coffee. And then breakfast arrives, and he pours more coffee. And we're like, wow, this is wonderful. And then he goes back again. like, wow, this is wonderful. And then he goes back again. We're like, this is great.

But the minute we were done with our plate, he was nowhere to be seen. He was like, get out. I don't, I don't, hey, hey, I ain't got no more coffee for you. You want to fight about it? He's in the back eating his sub. He's like, I'm eating my sub.

You want to fight about it? We should have retaliated. We should have been like, I'm not leaving until my coffee is filled. I wanted to leave because they sat us in the area with a giant fly that was like, I'm just going to sit here buzzing. He was like, I see food down there. But it was weird because he wouldn't come near the food.

He would just stay in this one square area and fly in a circle. He just didn't know what was going on. He's like, there's so much food here. I don't know where to land! It was the happiest day of that fly's life. It was like a dog who had finally caught a car. He was just freaking. And he didn't know what to do

about it. Yeah, he's like, there's so much food I don't know what to do! Then it was gone. I learned one thing about our fanbase. They're all sick. Sick bastards. Why? So apparently in Florida over the weekend, there was a sinkhole, and a Florida dude got, like, killed by a sinkhole. Like, he was in his house, and a sinkhole opened up and swallowed up his house and killed him.

And everyone sent me messages that was like, Oh my god, Florida man got killed by a sinkhole. I was like, this is sick. What's the matter with you people? That's not funny at all. That is horrible. Yeah. Someone just died.

It's only funny if it's really weird. Right? Like jumping off a roof and being naked. We need to establish the rules of Florida man. Like when I get articles that are like Florida man kills 12. Like that's not necessarily good. Yeah. It's not an article I want to use.

We just set the ground rules. If a man gets killed by nature in not a hilarious way, like, I don't know, a meteor falls on his face. And if he somehow lives, that's hilarious. If he dies, it's tragic. Yeah. If someone gets killed normally or through some type of tragedy, that's horrible. But if a dog kills someone normally or through a tragedy, that's hilarious. Mm-hmm.

Okay? In fact, if any animals kill anyone through hilarious means. Like, if a man gets killed by a shark, that's tragic. If a man gets killed by a shark who happens to be driving a motorboat, that's hilarious. Can I just say? Ground rules, people. driving a motorboat. That's hilarious. Um, can I just say... Ground rules, people. Now I think it's a perfect time to move on to

Chopped Cops Over the Sky with Grendor. Grendor, how's that traffic out there? Traffic today is kind of slick. Except for over there where there's a fast chase. There goes the guy. He's driving really fast. I don't know. He's probably going like 400, maybe 500 easy uh and here comes the helicopter out of the sky he's charging down and he's gonna pick up the car and drop it into the ocean and he has been taken out and now the people in the

helicopter are high-fiving i think that was a drug war uh because they're now flying back to their job. I can only make so many helicopter sounds. And, nope, they're gone. The other helicopter is gone now. The drug copter has achieved its mission of taking out the drug car. Back to you. My question is, why is the drug copter trying to take out the drug car? Is that a rival cartel? It is.

Wow. Meanwhile, the police are nowhere to be seen. Well, the police are just tired of dealing with it. They're like, dude, they have a drug copter. We can barely afford sirens anymore. Speaking of chases, today I was texted. I signed up for a texting service that this radio station near me has. It's totally free, so if you live in LA, you get it.

It tells you every time there's a chase in LA and where you can watch it. It's wonderful. So there was a guy tonight driving around like 30 miles per hour just driving really slow with like 80 police cars after him. I was like, God bless

Los Angeles police force. Keep it up, guys. LAPD. Please, slow down or speed up, sir. I'm gonna choose to speed up. Holy crap, I hope it was an old man. Like, I

robbed that liquor store for five dollars. You can't stop me. That'd be amazing. The cops, like, shooting at him. He's like, take your time, pigs. You'll never get me.

He's going, like, five miles down the road. The police are walking alongside of him. Oh, my God. He's got like a cane. He sticks out the window to poke him away. He's like, back off. He's like, back off!

His wife is using her walker as, like, a machine gun, just, like, hitting four cops at once. They go flying away, like... And that is traffic. That is traffic. All right, now let's go to Crendor at the weather desk. Crendor, how's that weather? Weather today is going to be from Ira. Ira, Iowa.

And it's snowing. Oh, good, good. Got some four mile an hour winds. 91% humidity, 29.9% for three percent inches or pressure you got there. And where is Ira? Ira is by Baxter. Of course. Because if you didn't know, Baxter is by. It's by.

Okay. It's almost by Des Moines. Why did they remove Twitter from the sides? Because they realized we were using it for devious purposes. Way to go, Weather Channel. Weather Channel, you suck. You used to be cool. No, you didn't.

You were never cool. I used to... Listen, the Weather Channel is the number one watch channel by people over, like, 50. I need to know what the weather is going to be like for the police chase later. Oh, I can see local tweets. Uh-oh, here we go. Hold on, it just randomly popped up. Good.

It was loading. The Weather Channel site is overloaded right now. It is always overloaded. With people trying to figure out where those old people are headed. Where the snowstorm at? Ah, okay, ha ha. What? That's from Wolfgang.

They are literally the worst people in America. They are. All right, now let's move on to sports. Grendor, how's that sports looking? Sports is looking pretty good today. We got some crazy stuff happening. Like, Schefter Goldson's gone from San Francisco. Good?

Yep, he's gone. Vikings cut ties with Molasses Mike Jenkins. Is that his nickname? Molasses Mike. Why would you want your name to be Molasses Mike? Because... He's so slow. Molasses Mike Jenkins. He's so slow. Molasses Mike

Jenkins. He's so slow. He's my new favorite player now. Molasses Mike, you need to go to a good team. Fuck me! His name is Molasses Mike! Molasses Mike Jenkins.

What kind of sports player has the nickname Molasses Mike? He's played since 2004. And he's played with the Atlanta Falcons most of those years. I literally laughed so hard I got a cramp. His best year was 06 when he had seven touchdowns with the Falcons. Molasses Mike that year. Wait, why is his name Molasses Mike? We need an origin story for this guy. Why would a sports star want to be named after the slowest moving thing possible?

Because maybe it's like his sticky hands, molasses. Oh, that's a good point. I didn't think about that. I was not thinking about stick, I was thinking about speed. Which is weird, because we're talking about syrup. Maple syrupy. He's the fastest of all this

things. I'm sick. Molasses, Mike. It's a lot slower than Coach Ditka. He does not... He does not have the speed. That's called... They call him Maple Syrup Mike Ditka. Oh, my gosh.

I was watching the Saturday Night Live clips of the, like, Chicago people. Duh, bears. And I watched the one where he's like, now, who would win in a fight? Uh, Ditka? And they're like, Ditka. And he's like, no, wait. Or a hurricane.

And they're like, Ditka. And he's like, no, hold on. The hurricane is named Ditka. And they're just like, oh my god. I love when they have heart attacks. He's just like, hold on. He's punching his chest. He's just like, this is a baker's dozen.

It's like the doctor said that I got a piece of Polish sausage lodged in my arteries. Oh, shit. This is great. I don't know how we got there from Molasses Mike. God bless you, Molasses Mike. You are an American treasure. American treasure.

And the Packers opt against tagging Greg Jennings, so he's out on the market now. Greg Jennings. Greg Jennings. Someone pick him up. He should be Molasses Greg Jennings. No. It has to be Goulash Greg Jennings. Oh.

I like how that's the only thing I can think of. Goulash. Who's Goulash? Goulash Greg Jennings. Oh. I like how that's the only thing I can think of. Goulash. What is goulash? Goulash Greg. All right, now let's move on to the big story of the day. And I got a big one. So we were talking about the rich people, Mal. Yes.

Now I have an article on the top billionaires. Can we find out what they do? Do you have that? Yes. Good. Good, because I want to get into whatever they're doing mm-hmm number one is Carlos slim helu and family if he does not run a drug cartel I don't know what he runs uh ironically he is worth 73 billion billion. Oh, my God. His source is telecom. And his citizenship is Mexico. Oh, no. I heard about this dude.

Like, he is filthy rich. Like, he basically runs all of Mexico's communications. Oh. Yeah. Oh, man. I would want to be that guy. Never mind. Yeah.

He's the world's richest man for be that guy. Never mind. Yeah. He's the world's richest man for the fourth year in a row. God. Net worth up to $4 billion versus 2012, but still $1 billion shy of his all-time record. Boost came from surging stock prices at his financial arm, Grupo Financiero Imbursa. And he bought a majority of struggling Spanish soccer team. Real Oviedo? Oviedo.

We just need to stop. Okay, moving on. Before we get letters like you are butchering our culture. Number two is Bill Gates. 67 billion, Microsoft. Bill Gates. Still going. He's the world's biggest philanthropist and has given away $28 billion. That is pretty impressive.

That is pretty impressive. You know what Bill Gates? I don't hate you. And... You're a good guy. Net worth up to $6 billion versus March 2012 due to gains in his investment portfolio. Holdings include tech hygiene firm Ecolab and mexican coke bottler femsa holy shit bill gates is what's keeping mexican coke afloat in the united states he is someone why are we not

building shrines to this guy everyone's kissing steve jobs ass like oh he was so wonderful no bill gates is the one doing all the work. Seriously, I feel like I appreciate him now more as a man and a human being. I do too. Thank you. He's saving the world through Coca-Cola. Number three, Amancio Ortega. He's worth $57 billion. Is he from South America?

He's from Spain. Oh, all right. I like how I went to everywhere but where that name would actually make sense. Yeah. Where's he from? South America? Duh. Alright. Yes? You were a teacher. What? He could have been from South America.

Oh, he runs Zara. I don't know what that is. Year's biggest gainer, 19.5 billion, moves up to number three. Oh, come on. That's insulting to the rest of the world. Yeah, it is. But what did he do?

Because I feel like so far, the people who are the richest, correct me if I'm wrong. Yeah. The first guy is in telecom. The second guy is in computer products. This guy, what is Zahara? Zara? Oh, Zara is apparently fashion. Well, he's a fashion designer then,

so he's sort of like artsy, possibly gay, fashion world. I went there, and it is clothes that are too stylish for me. What I'm trying to get at here before people are like, you're insulting, Jesse. That's not what I'm trying to do. What I'm trying to get at is that the three people that are the three richest people in the world are total nerds or probably people who were outcasts in high school.

That's what I'm getting at. And that's why I think this article is very important. Because the people who are the ones who are making billions and have the best lives right now are not the ones who have the best lives when they're younger. Keep that in mind. It's true. It's true. It's quite true.

You have to have passion and drive, and you can achieve anything. And the people who are the smartest usually succeed more than the people who are dumb as doornails. You know what being cool is going to get you? Nothing. Except possible contracts in professional sports. Not even that. Not even that. You have more chance of being successful with an education than you have getting in professional sports i wouldn't say that i would say that i wouldn't

i would i would not what i would say is that because then they might lose their hope and then what if you got the next lebron james what if he added the next le LeBron James and you just told him to study? Yeah, but LeBron James, pretty much like everyone when they were younger, knew they were kind of like amazing at basketball. That's true. What about Muggsy Bogues? You convinced me.

Muggsy Bogues defies all odds. Let's just take a look at Muggsy Bogues. Why are you? He's now 48 years old And he was a 5 foot 3 Basketball player 5 foot 3 You know what people told Mugsy Bogues You should study and get an education

Cause you're not gonna get to the NBA Are you stupid And you know what You're right There's a picture of Mugsy Bogues Guarding Michael Jordan You're not going to get to the NBA. Are you stupid? And you know what? You're right. You're right. And you know what? There's a picture of Muggsy Bogues guarding Michael Jordan.

And he only comes up to his waistline. But. Here's the best part of that story. Michael Jordan owned his ass. It's true. But you know what? Have you ever guarded Michael Jordan? You have a point. I can't argue that. You know what? Have you ever guarded Michael Jordan? You have a point.

I can't argue that. You know what? He's right, kids. Be what you want to be. Who am I to tell you? Yeah. And you know what? Who am I to tell you?

I was completely wrong. He averaged one and a half steals. You know how? Because nobody could see him on the court. And he just, like, snuck up under there. It was like, got ya. I imagine it's like in The Hobbit. All the dwarves are attacking the giants.

And Bilbo Baggins is running between their legs. It is. Holy crap. And he averaged seven assists and seven points a game. So take that, education. You know what? He's right. You might as well screw your education.

And in about 40 years, you too can be made fun of on a podcast by two completely idiotic people. So, yeah. I mean, isn't that everyone's dream? I think so. All right, that's it, guys. We tried to teach you a lesson. We failed. Like always.

Like always. We'll be back, and we will see you then. Thank you for listening, and as always, to be continued.