Cox n' Crendor Show - Episode 100 - How The Hell Did We Get This Far?

Episode Date: April 22, 2015

Jesse and Crendor celebrate 100 episodes by getting disturbingly topical and serious.... then proceed to ruin it by talking about alien dreams and other nonsense.

Hello everybody, it's time for Ghost on Trend Dog! Ghost on Trend Dog in the morning. In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour recording studio. Recorded! Wake your ass up! It's Ghost on Trend Dog in the morning! Ghost on Trend Dog in the morning! Welcome to the 100th episode of Cox and Crandor at the Boarded.

Oh yeah, it's the 100th one. Yeah, I knew you would have forgotten. I was aware you would have forgotten. In fact, I think most of the people listening right now were convinced we had forgot. I didn't forget. I just didn't do anything special for it. Yeah. I made no special plans for this because I want to let you know,

if this was really special, we would have had the 100th episode done for you maybe a year ago. Yeah. If anything, we should have. The fact that we're having it now is a disappointment. Really, we should have about 50,000 more episodes done. Really? But, you know, this could be a clip show.

You could have got a clip show is what you could have got. That's usually what happens. Yeah, we can just put in clips. Oh, this is what we should have done. We should have taken clips from previous episodes, put them together, and see if anyone noticed. Man. And not said a damn thing. Just made an intro that's like, welcome to the 100th episode.

Actually, that's what we're going to do. Hold on. Crandor, that's what we're going to do. We're going to put a clip show together. Wink. And we'll see if anyone notices. Wink. And now people are going to wonder, is the next 30 or so minutes from old episodes or a new episode?

Oh, man. That's brilliant. That's brilliant. We just figured it out. We just figured out how to blow your minds. You're going to listen more closely than you've ever listened before. Yeah. Even I'm confused. Isn't that right, Grendor? Today we're going to talk about things of a funny nature. Yule lads! Yule lads! Ha ha ha! Jokes! Ha ha!

Florida man! I don't Tuesday. Nailed it! Perfect. So, I discovered something about humanity last night. Uh huh. That made me realize humanity is stupid. Like, if aliens come to Earth, you figure we would try to be like, welcome to Earth.

We are just as intelligent as you are. I'd be like, nope, subjugate us. Make us into dog slaves because we don't deserve it. Dog slaves? Dog slaves. Why not normal slaves? Because we'd be dog slaves. We'd have collars, and they'd feed us out of bowls.

So last night, I'm like, I'm going to go to Chipotle. I want some Chipotle. It'll be fine. It's up the street. So I drive up the road, and it's literally just up the street. So I imagine this will be a five-minute in-and-out deal. I'm good. As I drive up there, I notice there are cars everywhere i'm like what the hell

apparently is the 50th anniversary of the city that i live in and so fireworks and cars and people walking around i was like are you kidding me yeah i was like fine whatever so i drive over the chipotle and in the chipotle parking lot, a giant sign reads, No Event Parking. As I pulled in, I guess the big party let out, and hundreds of people are walking. Where? Into the parking lot that says No Event Parking. Of course. And getting into their cars.

And I finally, after waiting ten minutes to even get in the parking lot, find a place to park, get out, go inside the Chipotle, in the Chipotle, maybe thirteen police officers. What? And they're all sitting there eating Chipotle, and I was like, I was about to tweet out, wow, I'm in a Chipotle with thirteen police officers, this is the safest I've ever felt, and then I did a dot dot

dot, and I was about to write, for being a white guy, around a bunch of police officers. And I was like, someone might take that the wrong way. Yeah, so just saying here, people can be like, hey. Well, they can hear my inflection in that I'm joking and that I find it rather ironic that as a white guy, I was about to tweet. Like, I feel really safe around all these police officers. But if I was a black dude, I'd be like, uh, this is, right?

It's the irony of the situation in America. I get it. Thank you. Thank you. So I didn't tweet that out because I was like, ugh, Twitter, 140 characters, someone's going to be like, that's fucking racist, Jesse. No, it's an observation that our system of judicial and policial function is disfunct. It's disfunct. Yeah, uptown funk.

Yeah, so that's, and you know, you can't be controversial on the Twitter, or else the kids will be all like, like today, I wrote a thing to, I think Hannah from the Oxcast about her fridge, and I to, I think, Hannah from the Oxcast about her fridge. And I said, I approved. I said, my borderline OCD personality approves your fridge or whatever I said. And I got like 13 messages from people that were like, OCD is a real problem.

That's not what OCD is, Jesse. You don't have it and you're offending me. And I'm like, whoa. So I guess what I'm saying, all that put together, I'd rather we all be slaves to aliens, so we don't put up with this shit. So the aliens just, if you talk back, the aliens kill you. That's what I'm saying. Oh, I didn't dream like that.

Did you? Yeah, I did. Oh, hold on. First off, when he said the 13 police officers story, I thought it was gonna be, like, one of the event people like, went into Chipotle and, like, punched someone, and now they're all there. No, no, no, no, no. They were literally all sitting there eating and just eating in Chipotle, and they all had different patches. Oh, this is what I thought was cool.

I actually was checking out the police officers. First off, there was a really hot police officer there. I was like, damn, police officer. She was looking fabulous. She was this little Hispanic girl. She was like, mm-mm. Anyway, but they all had different patches. She was looking fabulous. She was this little Hispanic girl. She was looking... Anyway. But they all had different patches.

And I guess each patch is like... It's like NASA. When you go up on a space mission, you have a different patch. Yeah. For each mission. So the two people in front of me in line had patches that had bike patrol on it. It was a bike. Yeah. And their police outfits literally could have been just like...

It was like a t-shirt And sweatpants, I swear to god I was like, you guys got shafted in the police force And then The people sitting down There was some like Ambulance police, they had like A green cross, but I guess it's LA So they could be the pot police

So there were two with crosses And then there was Two more with bikes And there was two more that had like A street sign Yeah. Even though I'm a white middle class male, I still am very afraid of the police. I don't want to ask them any questions. Who knows what they'll do to me. It's like, hey, guys, how's it going? It's like, what, you talking down to me? Is that what you're doing? I was a little scared.

You haven't paid your taxes in seven years, have you? I get that way around police. But then I do the opposite thing where, like, you know, people, they, like, if they're driving in the car and a police officer's behind them, they, like, either slow down or they try to look like, oh, everything's fine. I do the opposite where I'm like, I don't even care, you fucking cop. I'm cool. And I just, like, drive one-handed and sort of like like flip the dial look back like sup i do the complete opposite like i'm so cool it doesn't even matter you're a police officer

yeah i try to do that too i'm just like i don't even care like you know i'm going the speed limit you know i can do whatever i want unless my registration's expired, which it isn't, because I'm an upstanding citizen. Yep. Unless they pull you over. Yeah. Oh my goodness. I'm not saying my experience with police officers have been, I mean, for me they've been good. Like, it's weird seeing, like, actually seeing racism.

Yeah. Like, visually seeing, because for me, I've been pulled over maybe three times in my life, and two of the three times they were like, alright, we'll let you off with the warning, and one time, the only other time, it's the only time I've ever gotten a ticket, was because I was moving to New York

in a car, following my dad in a car, and my dad was going like 80 miles an hour, and I was trying to keep up with him, and the cop pulled me over. I was like, you know you were going 80 in an hour and I was trying to keep up with him and the cop pulled me over. I was like, you know you were going 80 in a 60. I'm like, well, I was trying to keep up with my dad. My dad, meanwhile, did not come back for me. He's like, meet me at this gas station up the road.

I'm not getting pulled over for you. I'm like, what? But the cop's been very nice to me. Meanwhile, even going back to when I lived in my old town of Oakwood in Ohio, one of my friends, Eric, was this, like, you know, maybe, I would say maybe the only Hispanic kid in my entire high school. And every time he drove in from Dayton into Oakwood at Far Hills Avenue, the cops pulled him over every time.

To the point where they were like, oh, hey, Eric. And then just turned around and got back into their car. Literally, I've never experienced anything like that. And I'm like, I, I don't imagine that I could tolerate it. Like, God bless people who have to tolerate that shit. Cause that is unbearable. Which going, which going back. That'd be shitty.

Oh, um, Gerard, our good friend Gerard, shaves every time he gets on a plane. So he's like, when I shave, I look like I'm Greek. When I don't, I look like I'm a terrorist. And they always stop me. I'm like, that must suck. He and I are the exact same gene

pool, except I got the Irish side and he got, like, the Middle Eastern side. So for me me they're like oh go on through bucko i'm like thanks damn mister and for him it's like we're gonna have to full body search you i guess so so like going back to earlier it's kind of like i wanted to tweet out and make a joke like you know being a white guy with all these police it's pretty okay but if i wasn't i'd be a little like the more you think about it, the more you're like, holy shit. I've read two articles about it recently.

And one article said that in a study, the results of the study felt like police officers had this almost looking down attitude at various minorities. Especially young black men. Like, looking down at them as like lesser than human. But then another study said that most police officers, if anything, fear young black men and that pushes their angst around them. But I don't see why it can't be a combination of both. Plus it probably comes down to like each individual. combination of both like like probably comes down to like each individual a lot of police and stuff already get a power trip because like they did that psychological experiment like back in the 70s or whatever where like they took a bunch of college kids and made half of them police officers

and half of them criminals and they like put them in a room for a week and i was like the police officers like started abusing their power like yeah we can do whatever we want after a few days. And it showed that any human is susceptible to going on a power trip when they have power. Well, I think it's that who watches the Watchmen thing. Yeah, that's for my Watchmen fans out there. It's the people who have the power, who watches them. And now that there are cameras and there are camera phones and things everywhere, I guess now we are watching them again. And so it'll be interesting to see what happens.

But I feel like it's a situation where it needs to be less police state-y, like dudes in camo and, like, body armor and shit, and more Mayberry. Like, you know, old school, like, the cop is in the town and everyone like you know the old timey like 1950s everyone knows the police officer yeah like that's joe the police man he's like oh that's sheriff joe oh boy right and we don't have that like there's in most cities the people who are the cops there don't live in that neighborhood and i think that's wrong i think like everyone shouldn't if i'm a police officer I should live down the street from the people I police. So like they know me. I know them.

And we have like this bond. And so I'm there to help them not to constantly be out to arrest people and be suspicious of other people. But then there's like Chicago where on the north side everyone lives because they don't want to die. And on the south side nobody lives there because then you'll die. Well, I mean, that's the thing though, is the police of the south side should come up from young men and women in the south side.

Like, the people who live there should create the police force for that area. Yeah. That's a good idea. It doesn't make any sense if the people in the north go to the south and they already have this belief like, oh, it's rough down there and I'll be killed. They're going to go in as hard as hell and be mean and nasty to everyone. And no one needs that.

So if you had people who lived in the area actually police the people who – like their own friends and family like that'd be so much that'd be so much better infinitely better and i don't think they'll ever do that no because that's because that's that's work that would take that would take a lot of work and a lot of money and we that's not how we roll just look at the education system we are 14 minutes into episode 100 and we are super topical I had a dream About aliens Alright So this is what happened to my dream I was in this dream and we knew the aliens were coming down And I was like assembling

Apparently I was like the assembler Of the alien defense And so we got all these people together And we were like here we go And then the aliens came down and they started killing everyone And I was like don don't kill me. So you completely failed your job. Yeah.

But I was like, don't kill me. So they didn't kill me. And then I got to go with them. And they were like, just don't go out of line. And they took me to a big shopping mall that was like their spaceship. There was a few other people I saw there. And they were just like, as long as you don't talk back to us, the humans could live. And so, like, even though all the people over my human defense squad died,

I got to live and it was in a big shopping mall and then I woke up. I see your shopping mall dream and I raise you a dream I had the other night where I was watching TV but every TV channel was the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles except they're all licking each other's heads. It was a bunch of turtles just like, like just licking their foreheads. And I couldn't not watch it. I was like, I don't want to watch this anymore. And it was on every channel.

Why didn't you turn it off? Because it was a dream. I don't know. Then I woke up and was like, what the hell was that? I don't know what any of that means. Analyze that dream. So you're you're flipping through channels like you're flipping through chapters of life. Uh huh.

And the Ninja Turtles represent a simpler time in your life. The childhood where the Ninja Turtles were your heroes, like your your government. They governed your life. So by them looking each other on the head, they're kind of, you know, they're licking each other on the head. And that really makes no sense. That's pretty dumb.

Here's how I would interpret it. Okay. No matter what I do, right? Flipping the channels. No matter what I do, I am focused on the youth involved with licking head. And because all dreams are sexual, we know what we're talking about. Right.

I don't know. I don't know. Your dream's super sexual. You are supposed to lead a defense force. So you've been put in a dominant position. But you fail as a dominant. And then a being of higher power forces you to submit. And then makes you go shopping with it.

Basically, we learn Krendor is submissive. See? It's all sexual. It all makes sense. Dreams are all sexual. Wow. I want to point out that we quickly went from culturally relevant topic to sexual dreams like that.

And now we're back on track, baby. 100 episodes. That's what we do. We take the serious and then we quickly divert away from it. Yeah, so once we realize we're getting too serious, we run. We just run. Yeah, especially if there's aliens. Oh, especially if there's aliens.

Sexually dominant aliens. What's your dream mean then? I said what my dream meant. You like young turtles licking each other? Where were you for that entire first half of the conversation? I don't know. Were you on board the alien ship? Yeah, I was shopping.

Oh, God. All right. Well, I think we should go to chapter 7 of the Sky of the sky, the crendor, crendor. How's that traffic out there? Oh, man, traffic today is not too bad. You'd think it'd be worse, but it appears that Martin Docks is down on the docks fishing. That's cool.

You fish there, Martin. And Terry Dunyon is also down there. Looks like she's on her speedboat. Oh, God! The aliens are invading! Thanks, Crandor. Can I just tell you, the beginning of that alien speech sounded like they're like, Mamba humba boheo, like that one song.

What? It sounded like he was singing a song. What song? Mamba humba boheo. I don't know what song that is. It's a song from like the 80s, I think, or 90s. Mumba Humbo. They used to use it in Carnival Cruise commercials. Carnival Cruise.

Mumba Humbo. Oh, hell. I swear to God that's true. All right. It's true I don't think I've ever heard that song Or maybe I've heard it You have but that's not the lyrics

Obviously but that's the tune And they say stuff like that You know it's gibberish They're saying gibberish Yeah that's something You know, it's gibberish. They're saying gibberish. Yeah, that's something. Look up Carvel Cruise Lines at some point. All right.

Not right now. We're in the middle of a podcast. Oh, all right. Speaking of cruises, what's the weather like? Is it cruise weather? Oh, no. Maybe we'll have to search for cruise. CruiseTown, Louth, Ireland. CruiseTown? Really? CruiseTown. Maybe we'll have to search for cruise. Cruise Town, Louth, Ireland.

Cruise Town? Really? Cruise Town. Cruise Town. Of course it's in Ireland. Of course. Today in Cruise Town, Ireland, we got 43 degrees Fahrenheit. Feels like 36, however. Probably they also don't use Fahrenheit, but too bad this is an American podcast. Mm-hmm.

Take that, cruise town. Yeah, and I learned nothing else in my schooling. Wind, southwest 13 miles per hour. Humidity, 78%. You could go on a cruise in 40-degree weather. Yeah. If it's 36, you'd probably be cold, but you can still go on a cruise. People take Arctic cruises all the time.

Yeah, like the Arctic swimming people, the polar bear swimmers. I love the polar bear people because they're always like 80 years old and old fat men, and they're just like, I'm going to go jump in this water. It's going to keep me young. Done nothing else with my life. There's a certain collection of old people facts that I am starting to adopt as I get older. One.

Smelling a baby's head will keep you younger. It will give you the baby's powers. Every time old people smell a baby's head, they go, oh, smells like youth. Why are they smelling

that baby's head? Because they're stealing his youth. That's why children age. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Time doesn't even exist, right? So, old people, in order to live longer, sniff the heads of babies. I just blew it wide open.

That's some Illuminati shit. Second, hot food, spicy food will keep you young. Eat spicy food. It'll keep you young. I agree. Third, cold, cold water, jumping in cold water will keep you young. All this stuff is to keep themselves young. That's why if you take cold showers, which nobody wants to because it's cold, you'll probably live longer.

It's probably true. It's probably true. I take hot showers. I'm probably melting my skin away. Yep. I'm probably killing my – Your cells. My cells.

Yeah. They're probably overheating and dying. Yep. Look, I'm no scientist, but I'm pretty sure that's how it works. I'm no scientist, but. We just cracked the code. That's weather. Yeah, that's weather.

And sports. All right, we got some big sports news. So baseball started again. Uh-huh. So that's a thing everyone everyone said meh like i guess i'll go to a game or two hey the cubs won a game so now this really is the end yep it is aliens really are on their way they might make it back to uh mediocrity this year instead of just being really bad uh and then the nfl has hired their first female referee

and there's a lot of buzz about that why like i never understand the buzz about that crap because she's like the first one and then there's always people like first time woman doing it like there was there was a uh thing that on the TV, the old TV box. I am getting old. Give me children to sniff. There was a documentary that was on TV. It was like one of those, you know, either MSNBC or CNN news profile shows. It was about Hillary Clinton.

And it was about Hillary Clinton running for Senate in New York. And while she was running for Senate, she was still the first lady in the White House, right? And this was like 1999. And so everyone was like, oh, she's going to be the first woman senator from New York, and this is the first first lady to run for Senate, and she's the first first lady to do anything but be first, all that stuff. But it never focused on the fact that she never lived a day of her life in New York

and then went to New York, ran to become a senator from New York, and won. Like, that's the story. This human being who had no relation to a place moved in, said, I'm going to win here, went up against Rudy Giuliani, the mayor of New York, beat him, and was like, well, thanks, I win. Like, that's the story. It has nothing to do with her being a woman. I was like, that's ballsy as shit.

She's like, I don't even know what the hell's going on here. Man, isn't Rudy Giuliani like a typical old white guy with glasses that's like, I run this place? Yeah, well, he's, you know, he was, he's really famous for being like the mayor on 9-11, the guy who sort of like rallied the city. Oh, yeah. He's that guy. And, you know, it's interesting that the story that they told was about this wonderful woman who was like, what about this great human being who just destroyed everyone? That's the story.

That drives me crazy when it's like, there's a woman who's going to be a referee. It's like, if it was a dog, there's a dog who's going to be a referee. It's like, if it was a dog, there's a dog who's going to be a referee. That's a story, right? This chihuahua is going to be the first ever chihuahua referee. That's a story. Yeah, that's a story. There have been women refs forever, just not in the NFL. Well, that's your problem, NFL.

Yeah, I know there's some in the NBA. There are women refs everywhere. Just, this is, if anything, the NFL is late to the party. Yeah. Yeah, the NFL is always late to the party. I've said it again many times. Because there's young women in high school and junior high who play football. Yeah.

So it's just a matter of time before they play pro. Yeah. And with that said, I still stand by my firm belief we should let them do all the drugs they want. Yes. And make them into giant superhuman freaks. I agree. I stand by this, and I will continue to stand by it. I want giant spikes coming out of their backs and fangs and robo arms.

It doesn't matter if you're a man or woman at that point because you are a cyborg death machine. Yeah. And they just pound into each other and they rip their flesh off. That's what I want. It's all about entertainment. Yeah, it's just they know what they're in for. Yeah, they know what they're in for.

If they're going to use steroids, let them use steroids. If they want to do that, fine. Great. Anything you need to do to get ahead in the game, you can do it. Literally anything. You want to bring a gun on the field? Go for it. You got to shoot that giant humanoid who's trying to kill you. That's fun.

Down goes Big Joe. The stadium rocked when he fell. Literally. I can just imagine the rock. Oh, I was about to give a moment from Furious 8 or 7 or whatever the damn movie's called.

Have you seen that yet? No, not yet. Oh, Crandor, you need to. You need to see the new Fast and Furious movie. Basically, basically the rock becomes the Incredible Hulk. Whoa.

There's even a scene in the movie in which they go see The Rock, and on the TV in the background is the old Incredible Hulk show. Yeah. And by the end of the movie, The Rock's basically that character. To the Avengers, in this world, he's the Incredible Hulk. He shows up in the movie, and whenever he shows up, he steals the scene, and he does something incredibly silly when he does it. It's amazing.

The rest of the movie, okay. It's a solidly okay movie, but The Rock, when he ever shows up, you're applauding and you're cheering. This is amazing. Yeah, Rock. But, yeah, in my football, The Rock would be a player, but he'd have the machine gun that he has in the movie, this giant airplane turret machine gun.

And he's the linebacker, and he's just gunning down, like, Big Joe. He's like, That's my football. My football would be amazing. Yeah. That's what I thought the XFL was going to be. Oh, yeah, the XFL. Man, I thought that was going to be just like that.

Like, XFL. It's going to be no rules, whatever we want. And it was boring. Did that even last like a year? It lasted one year. Yeah, they had a 5.4 out of 10 on TV.com and a 3.8 on DB. It was very bad. And it was 3.8 on IMDb. It was very bad.

And it was supposed to be the wrestling of football. So, like, it was going to have stories and it was going to be like, I'm calling you out, like that kind of stuff. But it was awful. It was awful. If they want to make it extreme football, inject everyone with hormones, make them into, like, gene therapy, make them into, like, half cat, half man. The running him into like half cat, half man. The running back is half cheetah,

half man. Oh, that'd be so good. That would be pretty great. That'd be so good. I know that. I think everyone would just to see it once. And then once you watch it once you're hooked.

Sure. Some people would be like, you should, this is wrong. We shouldn't experiment on people. That's why we make clones. There's there. We just make clones and robots. So we have clones fight robots. Star Wars did it.

That seemed okay. Yeah. Oh, wait. The XFL apparently had a Birmingham team. Yeah, man. I forgot. They had the Orlando Rage, the Chicago Enforcers, the New York, New Jersey Hitmen. They're just one city combined.

The New York, New Jersey hitmen They're just one city combined Can I also point out the amazingness of naming everything After like the seediest side of the city So you have the New York hitmen from the mob The enforcers from the mob of Chicago Like let's name everything after the mob The Los Angeles Xtreme with an X The San Francisco Demons

Mm-hmm The Memphis Maniacs with an X at the end for maniacs Of course, of course And the Las Vegas Outlaws The Outlaws are, I think they still play I think they're a, like, double-A team Or I don't know what the different leagues are Like the Arena League

Yeah, I think they're an Arena League team now Because I know they exist Because I've seen some of the stuff when I go to Vegas. I see, like, posters and things. Yeah. Well, man, I want to look up. I will say they're creative. They're creative in the XFL because they didn't name anything after animals.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point. Jaguars and Panthers and 49ers. 49ers were like animals. They were wild men. Yeah. Yeah, really. Wild, crazy men.

Those 49ers. You gotta keep them in check. Gotta keep those 49ers in check, man. Because they wanted that gourd. God. And then, I'm like, hold on. I'm just looking through this XFL thing. Uh-huh. It's the one guy that was named He Hate Me. Yeah. That was the dude. And then I'm like Hold on I'm just looking through This XFL thing Uh huh

It's the The one guy was named He hate me Yeah That was the dude And he had it on his Jersey Yeah

On his jersey And people were like Who's he Who hate you Yeah I remember all I remember all of that I watched the first season Of the XFL

And it was horrible But I watched it I remember I remember watching The first episode of it And Like seeing them all. He's like, there's the oxen. And then they all ran for the ball in the middle.

That's how the kickoff was. They just ran at the ball. Oh, there was no kickoff? I don't remember that. Yeah, there wasn't any kickoff. They just ran for the ball in the middle of the field. I think the idea was everyone was supposed to fight. It was supposed to be more in your face.

Yeah. Which is, it's a great idea, but they didn't do it right. They didn't do it right. There should have been, it should be like wrestling. Brass knuckles, chairs, dudes using the bench. Yeah, it should have been like wrestling. It should have been like wrestling. Referees tackling people.

That'd be amazing. And the referee's got a bet on this game so he takes down jimmy in the back rail they'd have uh like corn swoggle and all the different like paul bear all the different guys each coach would actually be like the hype man yeah that'd be so much why aren't we in charge of everything yeah i don't know why either that's because we're submissive to aliens we're submissive to aliens. We're submissive to aliens. Yep. We need to be dominant to the aliens. And then, we can take over.

Yeah, then we'll just take over at that point. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's sports. That's sports. Alright, what's our big news story of 100 episodes? Alright, so the big news story of 100 episodes. I was gonna do big new story of 100 episodes. I was going to do

Russia Outlaws Celebrity Memes, but now we already know what it's about. It really does tell you everything. That headline is the perfect headline. It gives you everything you need to know. They're not happy with the memes. Okay.

This one might be fitting. It's about cruises. What? The seven secrets of cruise ships. I like this. This could help if you're going to go on a cruise. Summer's almost here. Yeah. Alright, so. Why do I have a feeling this was a paid for article? By Yahoo Travel? No.

Did you know that if you go on cruises you can have the best experience of your life? I did not, Yahoo Travel. I did not. Well, Yahoo Travel says, whether you've taken a dozen cruises or never stepped foot on a gangway, you may be surprised by some of the secrets hidden on board. Have you ever been on a cruise? No.

I've never been on a cruise either. I don't like water. Agreed. Sh water. Agreed. Sharks. Agreed. I don't like just being on a ship for a long time. I feel like I'd just get bored or I'd be like, I don't know what to do or I want to go on the internet. Agreed.

Agreed. Yeah. And it just seems like you're stuck with just a bunch of annoying people. So if you want to escape them, you can't. They're just around you. bunch of annoying people so if you want to escape them you can't they're just around you also lately everything i've seen about cruise ships usually ends in and then the ship sank or then everyone got sick yeah yeah i haven't seen any good cruise things lately or and then the ship disappeared like the somali pirate yeah like i'm not i'm not sorry cruises but maybe this article will change

our mind yeah uh so here's some secrets. Number one, there's a whole other world you can't see. You're really only going to see half of your cruise ship. Many of the things you have access to on a cruise, a cabin, dining hall, bars, sun decks, gyms, have separate versions on a lower deck for the crew to use. These are off limits to guests. Whoa. Wait, yeah, but how does that help me when I get on a...

There's a bunch of awesome stuff you'll never see. Yeah. There's a Morgon ship. Oh, yeah, of course. Because if someone dies, they gotta put them somewhere. Yeah. So, yeah, they got body bags. Prepared to hold bodies.

That's so morbid. Number three. Crew members don't just work hard. Wait, that was number two? Yeah, that was number two. So far, not convinced. Number three, crew members don't just work hard. They work every day. Many crew members work seven days a week during the time they're on board,

and for more hours a day than typical American workers, or workers, then they get off shifts. The result, they're traveling around the world, but they don't get to see the ports. Well, I've had friends who have worked cruise ships as, like, the entertainers. Yeah. And they would, I guess the entertainers do it differently than the rest. Because as far as I'm

aware, my friends who are entertainers are like, I go on, do two or three hours, and then I go, like, find the hot chick on board and bang her. And then I wake up the next day and lounge around for a couple hours, and people come up and say how good of a job I did. I was like, wow, that's interesting. He's like, I get to see the world. Sounds like the entertainer typical life where they have it a lot easier

than all the other people doing it. Yeah, everyone else on board is doing all the work, and he's like, ba-da-boom, ba-da-bing! I sing a few songs, I flirt with a few broads, and then I take one or two of the old ones home and bang them. Like, all right, well, good on you. And he's like, I never have to see them again, because then they go home after the cruise.

Well, number four. Uh-huh. Crew members live on board, but not year-round. Cruise lines hire officers and crews for typical four to six-month stints, depending on the position. Then they go home and come back on board or get on another ship after a two- or three-month break. Yeah.

So they get paid a bunch, and then they get time off, and then, yeah. Interesting. Woo! Woo! Interesting. Woo! Woo! Woo! Season. The crew may know a lot about you. Like, really a lot.

Surprised when a crew member knows your name right away or how you take your tea? Don't be. On luxury ships, the crew's lines collect information about your likes, dislikes, and store it in a central database. Then, if you return on a later sailing, the information is shared with the crew along with your photo. If it's your first sailing, your cabin steward will get your photo and be told if you're a first-time passenger so basically they stalk you they stalk you for information this is worse

than facebook yeah it was worse than facebook at least facebook tells you that they're stealing your information and and selling it to coke but on cru cruises, they're like, welcome aboard. Let's take your photo. Then we can serve you tea because we'll know you like tea. And then we'll stick you in the database. Sell you to companies. The captain doesn't really stand behind a wheel all day. Well, yeah, because it's computerized.

It's autopilot. What? Thanks, Yahoo. Good job, Yahoo. You're doing it. There's never been, there hasn't been like a wheel on a cruise. That's right, folks. I bet you didn't know there's not a wheel on a boat.

Well, back in 1948, I used to drive the wheel. Well, back in 1948, I used to drive the wheel. It's a disappointing era we live in because the wheel was the number one thing I enjoyed on the cruise ships. Kids have it easy these days. Without the wheel there, there's nothing to do. I just stare longingly at the ocean and hope a tidal wave will take us all. It's like got a room. It's housemaid.

It's just like the ship, but it's got a wheel in it. It's like stands there, like operating the wheel. Like's housemaid. It's just like the ship, but it's got a wheel in it. He just like stands there like operating the wheel like these were the days. Shouting commands at people who aren't there. His wife comes in. She's like, do you want some teas? Like, damn it, I'm sailing the ship, Gladys.

He's like, aye, aye, commander. At least. It's like a lap track. Number seven. The crew may party harder than the passengers. Below the decks where the passengers live, the crew bars may stay open later and serve revelers more alcohol per person than in passenger areas.

Depending on the ship, the average age could be lower, but even if it is, chances are the celebrations are more intense. While some types of crew members, officers, and other employees, such as captains and stage show headliners, are allowed to have a drink in the same bar as passengers go to. Told ya. Most humble imbibe in the off-limit areas. Remember the old adage, work hard and play harder.

I'm sorry, what? The old adage? Adage. Adage. Work hard and play harder I'm sorry what? The old adage? Adage It says

What does the word adage mean? I don't know It's the first time I've even seen that Adage The word adage Sounds like it could be a cruise ship The adage First off

That's not how that's pronounced. What it says is pronounced. From now on, it's pronounced Adage. Let's see. Dictionary.com. Hold on. Plugin. Allow plugin. Play. Uh-huh. Edage.

The old Adage. I'm gonna drive my 1958 Adage. I'm going to drive my 1958 Adage. Camaro. Buick. Skylark Sable. Yeah. Ram 450.

Yeah. Down the street. I bet. Whoa, they have adult coloring books? God damn it. All right, that's it. That's 100 episodes. Yay.

We'll be back again with another soon. And as always... That was the weakest. That was the weakest. I've never heard a man miss more clearly over the radio. We're not on the radio. We should be. Yeah, we should.

Hire us, radio. We've done 100 episodes. That's a lot. To be continued.