Cox n' Crendor Show - Episode 102 - Every Voice Is From South Park

Episode Date: May 11, 2015

In this episode the boys unleash more awful voices upon the world than anyone would think possible. Also they talk about poop in your beard!

Hello everybody, it's time for Cox and Crendor in the morning. In the morning. Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live. In 4 hour recording studio. Recording. Wake your ass up, it's Cox and Crendor in the morning. Cox and Crendor in the morning. Hello, everybody.

Welcome back to Cox and Crandor in the morning. Welcome back. What was that? That felt like doing a hand movement. I was doing a hand. A Honda. A Honda. Oh, I went to a restaurant. So this past weekend I went to the team house for my Heroes of the Storm team.

Oh, yeah. I'm not going to say anything about where it's at and stuff like that because that's creepy. I know where it's at because you said you flew to that place. Yeah, it's in the Midwest because the Midwest is cheap and it's wonderful there. And so I went to a place and and apparently they have the, you know, like, local Midwestern Western... Mid... Mid... Mid-Western.

Mid-Western restaurants. Uh-huh. And one of them was this place called, like, Coney Island. Do you know this? Uh... I've never heard of it before. I've heard of Coney Island. Well, I've heard of the Coney Island.

I've been to the Coney Island, but I haven't... This is, like, super Coney Island. No, I have not.oney Island, but I haven't. This is like super Coney Island. No, I have not. It's like a Denny's kind of place. Oh. And so, of course, we had to go there because it's local. Yeah. And the wraps they have there are called Hannies.

Although everyone kept calling them Hannies. But I was like, why? Hannie makes more sense because you hold them in your hands. Yeah, like a, yeah, I get what you're saying. But everyone's like, can I have a honey? And I was like, what the hell does that mean? Yeah. H-A-N-I.

That's how it was spelled. And I got a buffalo hanny wrap. I'm saying hanny from now on. Screw you, Coney Island. And then they had chili and stuff, so I got chili. Oh, I've seen chili things in the Midwest. Well, chili's everywhere, but it's always that Midwestern chili. Now, you see, world, Midwest chili is different than the rest of the world chili.

Like, there's Southern chili, and there's, like, chili in the, you know, those cold states. You know, the ones, the cold states. Yeah, the cold states. You know, those eastern cold states. You know, the ones that are still frozen over. And then there's, like, West Coast chili. But in the Midwest, there's a chili that is essentially like meat paste. I mean, how do you describe it?

It is basically super, the meat is ground so finely that it's basically a slurry of meat. And they put it on chili, or they put the chili on noodles. They put it on hot dogs, but it's all the same thing. Isn't that like the Skyline chili? Yeah, it's like Skyline or Gold Star. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so that's pretty much what it was. It was okay.

It was good. But, you know, it's one of those things that if you're from the Midwest, you've had it before. I hadn't had it until I went to Ohio. Yeah, well, that's because you're like, you're almost Canada. That's true. You're very close to Canada. You're in a big city. You're very close to Canada. You're in a big city. You're very close to Canada.

We can't hold that against you. You're not really the Midwest. I'm like a fake Midwest. Yeah, you're the Midwest. We're like the LA of the Midwest. Yeah, when people from LA or New York say we're going to the Midwest and they go to Chicago, that's what they do. Yeah. They're not going to like Corn Town Illinois

or whatever. You're in the Midwest when there's more grass than houses. That's when you're in the Midwest. But it was fun. I had a good time, but I will say every time I go out of town, I'm very vexed by this, Crandor. I'm vexed and agitated.

That's a nice vocabulary word lesson. Every time I leave town, when my car is sitting in the parking garage of my apartment for more than a day. Yeah. Someone, some clown, and I'm going to find out who and I don't know how, takes their bubble gum and sticks it on my bumper. Every time, without fail. They started doing it where they stick it between the circles and the eight on my license plate. Yeah. And so I don't notice it right away because it circles and the 8 on my license plate. Yeah. And so I don't notice it right away because it's white gum on a

white license plate. It's starting to piss me off. So they've like strategized this. Every time I go out of town, I come back last time when I went to Poland I was gone so long that they left two pieces of bubble gum in between the two 8s. This past weekend I was gone for two days. They come back, there's

a piece of bubble gum there. Stuck on it. So I'm sitting there scraping the damn thing off, and I'm like, I don't know who it is. I'm going to find asses. I don't know if I'm going to. Today, I was going to write a note and leave it there. It'd be like, stop it, you dumb butt-tard. I feel like that wouldn't stop them.

No, if anything, it would just empower them to do it more. So I was thinking of getting a camera and sticking a little camera and sticking it in there and watching just in case. But then even then, what's that going to do? So that's a lot of time and effort. So I don't know. I don't know. I'm vexed by the whole situation. Vexed, Crandor.

Vexed. Vexed. I'm going to find this person. Here's the thing. I imagine it's going to be, I feel like deep down it can either go one of two ways. It'll be some dumb girl who thinks it's cute, right? Because I'm trying to imagine bubblegum chewers. It'll be some dumb ditzy girl who's like, I'm too lazy to walk 12 feet over to the trash can. There's literally a trash can behind a door.

No, no, actually, there's a dumpster not three feet down the way, too. Yeah, it's about like, I'd say more like a solid like 10 feet. Yeah, this is very spiteful. This is a spiteful action. So it's either some dumb ditz who I probably wronged by being so damn sexy. She was like, I'll never be able to have what he has yeah or or the polar opposite it is the infamous black dude who lives next to me that's what i think i guess the black dude who finally heard about the stories i've been telling about him chucking beer everywhere and yeah so you just go out there and see him do it you're like hey sir can you can

you not do that and he's like do what i want you'd be like okay all right then let me let me reiterate this man is muscle bound he's like those of you who've never heard the story krendor seen him he is like yeah basically a superhero he's the rock his arm is like the size of me. He's, he's, he's like, he's the dude who had the kid that was like, hey, what up? Like, yeah. Even the kid was like the fluffiest kid ever. So, I'm, I'm

worried that that's who it is and I've somehow offended him and he's just gonna come after me. Yeah. So if I go, if I say like, stop doing that, he's gonna be like, I will kill you while you sleep. Like, all right, then. Now, is it like normal gum, like a pack of five gum, or is it like big league chew? I could not tell you because it's white.

It's a white piece of gum. A little tiny. It looks like a, you know, a breathy, fresh gum. That sounds like. You know what it sounds like? It sounds like there's a group of young ladies moved into my apartment complex, and there's like three of them staying in a single-bedroom apartment. So you know it's a party house. And they're a mess.

Like, they're trouble. They're super trouble. And I have a feeling it's one of them because it didn't start until they moved in. That – However, however, with that said with that said i've been known to always be wrong and it probably is here's what i hope here's what i hope there is a dog this woman has a dog right it is the fat i think i mentioned this oh yeah you did it is so it's like it's the fattest dog,

and she has to wait, like, five minutes for it to walk up to the elevator. It's like... She's like, come on, come on. He's like... He just... It's so sad. But anyway, the dog always looks like

it's chewing on something, and I imagine it's gum. And it's the dog who's just like, F you, man. That'd be great. That'd be great if the dog was just done. He F you, man. That'd be great. He's mad that you're shaming his body. Yeah, he's mad. He heard the podcast.

The dog listens to the podcast, and he was like, stop shaming me. Oh, man. Now we've solved the case. We've solved it. We've solved it? Oh, God. We've solved it. We've solved it.

Better call Saul. I like that show. I've watched that entire show, God. We've solved it. We've solved it. Better call Saul. I like that show. I've watched that entire show so far. It's good. I haven't. I heard people say it was good and some said it was bad. Well, those other people are idiots because they didn't watch the end of it when it was like, damn, that's cool.

Yeah, if you like Breaking Bad, you'll love that. I don't like Breaking Bad. Oh, then you'll hate it. Oh, okay. So, I'm trying to think of anything else that happened. I can't really think of anything that happened too much. I still hate plane flying. Yeah.

I sat next to a woman who I think looked like the girl from Pitch Perfect. Oh, the Anna Kendrick? Yeah, Anna Kendrick. I sat next to a woman, but it looked like 50-year-old Anna Kendrick. Oh, my God. I was like, I kept looking over because I wasn't sure. You know, because sometimes it could have been her mom. She was looking smoking hot.

I was like, hey, you. How are you? She slept the entire flight. Going to the Midwest, eh? Going to the Midwest, eh? No, it was on the way back to L.A., so it was a thing. And then I watched about 12 Jillian movies again I'm officially out of movies

I can't fly anymore I've seen every movie Every movie there is to see I've watched movies I've seen before I watched Godzilla again I can't believe I watched that movie again Because I'm so mad That the best actor

The person who acts the circles around everyone else in the movie, is gone in like half an hour. I know. So dumb. It's so aggravating. It's like, he's so good. Like, I'm enthralled with what this actor's doing. And then it's like, and now he's dead. Like, what?

Yeah. Why did you do that? I hated that movie because of that. And it just was, ugh. Although I did laugh after all those memes of fat-shaming Godzilla. Every time I saw Godzilla on the screen, I would laugh because of all those GIFs of, like, crying Godzilla. It was just like, why are you making fun of me? Well, what else?

What else? Oh, man. I finally completed Fury. I never got a chance to see the end of that. I saw the end of Fury, I was like well that happened. What else man? All sorts of movies. I don't remember. They all blend together.

They all blend together. Yeah they just kind of start melding together after a while. I'm done with movies. I can't do it anymore. I need to start watching TV shows. The problem is all the TV shows they offer I've seen all those shows. And most of them I don't want to watch anyway. Look I just need to start watching TV shows. The problem is all the TV shows they offer, I've seen all those shows. And most of them I don't want to watch anyway.

Look, I just need to stop traveling. I'm at the point where I've traveled so much. You have traveled a lot. The last three months, man, have been rough. You've traveled, like, at least. You've, like, went to Europe, like, three times or something. I'm about to go back. No, number three is about to come up here at the end of May.

Oh, my God. I know. I can't handle it anymore. No, number three is about to come up here at the end of May. Oh, my God. I know. I can't handle it anymore. You're a crazy person. I got to stop. That's another 11-hour flight. Take a note from the Crandor's Book of Advice. Stop doing things.

I want to, definitely. Trust me. But I can't. Can't stop, won't stop. Got to keep going. There's your problem. Oh, my God. that is my problem. So, what have you been up to?

What are you doing? Paul Blart Mall Cop? What? That's what I'm gonna say. Got 6% on Rotten Tomatoes. And you saw that? No. Why would I do that? You say I should be Paul Blart Mall Cop. Yeah, you should be Paul Blart. Yeah, but mall copping takes a lot of work.

It's true. Much more than I do now. I wouldn't mall copping takes a lot of work. It's true. Much more than I do now. I wouldn't do that. It'd save my life. That's a good point. Yeah, thank you. All right. What have you done?

All right, what have I done? What is your bubblegum problem? All right, let me think here. Let's see. Where did I go? What did I do? What did I do? What did I even do today? What did I do? What did I do? What did I even do today?

What did I do? You were out. You said you were out doing something. I don't remember what though. Uh, I went to the mall. Uh-huh. Oh, I saw some interesting people at the mall. There's this one lady.

She stands by the massage place at the mall, which is like this place where they're like, massage, and then you go over there, and they just give you like a random massage in front of everyone at the mall. Oh, is this like in the middle of the mall? Yeah. Where they have those weird massage tables? Yeah, like the kiosk things. Is this like the people who also are like, this mineral comes from the Dead Sea, and if you rub it on your skin, there's always that woman in the mall. Yeah.

It's like, this is Dead Sea materials. If you rub it on your body, your skin will sparkle. It's like, this is Dead Sea materials. If you rub it on your body, your skin will sparkle. It's like, no one wants that. Nobody wants that. From the melons of France. Then there's also the guy who sells the shoe cleaner. The shoe cleaner guy in the mall is like,

yeah, I clean shoes. He's like, no. No. I don't want your weird spray, sir. There's also a lot of hair people. They're like, sit down. We'll do your hair. And you're just like, uh-uh. I mean, they don't say it to me because they always go for women. Is there an L.A. thing where they have teeth whitening services in the mall?

Yeah, that's an L.A. thing. Yeah, I imagine. I've never seen that anywhere else, but every time I go to the mall, there's always a little boutique. It's like, we'll whiten your teeth for you. I'm like, should there be a dentist or someone certified? No, it's real easy, silly. I'm like, okay. There's, uh, yeah, who else is there?

There's the little guy who always flies the helicopter. Yeah, so there's a dude with the t-shirts that you can get on Redbubble. Yeah. Especially in California, they all have the, like, California shirts with the bear. Or they just got the, like, I'm with stupid ones. Yeah, the one that's like, I'm his and I'm hers. Yeah, those ones. What else do they got? They got the people trying to sell you a vacation.

Like, go travel to Brazil or something. We don't have that because no one's trying to get out of here. Everyone wants to come to LA. They always were like, come on, go travel. We have a lot of army recruiters. Oh, really? Our mall has like three army

recruitment locations. Look, if you want to join the military, go to the mall. Have you given up on your acting career yet? That's literally... I feel like if I was in charge of the military, that's the last place I would be is the mall. Yeah. The type of person we'd get to join the military,

I'd be like, nope. Nope. You are not welcome. Oh, come on, brah. I just got on Hot Topic, and I figured I'd join the military. Piss my parents off. Speaking of Hot Topic, did you see the new cast photo for Suicide Squad? No. Everyone's like, they look like Hot Topic rejects. I don't care.

They look awesome. Suicide Squad. Dude, Suicide Squad's awesome. Do you not know what Suicide Squad is, Crandall? No. It's basically, without giving away too many spoils, because I don't know what the movie's actually going to be about. Imagine the low-tier

Batman villains, not like his arch-rivals, but like, you know. Like Two-Face. Less than Two-Face. Two-Face is like an arch-villain. We're talking like Harley Quinn and Deadshot and the people who who are like the underlings. Like in the picture I see like the scarecrow man cheat a girl. So imagine them all – cheat a girl.

It's definitely not cheat a girl. So imagine them all being forced to work together in order to – because they're behind bars. In order to sort of alleviate their time in prison, they're forced to work together and do some crazy missions and stuff. And so that's pretty much what it is. Oh, that sounds cool. Yeah, it's cool. And so Batman, there's an animated movie that I think is really,

really a good example of what Suicide Squad is, and it's all these different characters. But in the animated movie, Batman, you know, it's Batman's universe. But he can't mess with them because the Joker has planted a nuclear bomb somewhere. And so this nuclear bomb is, I've said, I don't know if I said that correctly or not. Every time I say the word nuclear, everyone messes with me. I was just thinking of the Simpsons thing where he's like, it's pronounced nuclear. Nuclear?

Nuclear. Nuclear? Every time, look, look, I'm from America. F you, world. We say it how we say it. Anyway. Yeah. So, yeah, there's a bomb in the city, and so Batman's messing with the Joker in the

bomb, so all these other characters, the lesser criminals, are free to do what they do. But they all hate each other, so they all go nuts. It's a really cool concept. I think it's going to be a good movie. Oh. So I'm excited for that. Hopefully they won't screw it up. But yeah, that.

Anyway, hot topic. We were talking about hot topic. Yeah, hot topic. And the mall. And what's at your mall? Where did this start from? This started from me talking about Massage Lady. Okay, yeah, anyway, go.

Sorry. I was just going to be like, every every time someone walked by she'd just be like massage and just like yell at them like hey massage and they'd just be like no or they just ignore and she'd just be like massage like she would get frustrated like you should sit there and watch her i mean i just like look from, like, look from above, like, down. Wait, whoa, whoa, wait, what? Were you watching from the rafters? Yeah. I am Krendor, an Assassin's Creed character.

Watch from the upper level. And then... So was she so loud? She was like, massage! Yeah, it was really loud. And then I, like, uh, I went to get Panda Express, right? And there's some lady there, and she's like, Oh, my girlfriend's talking about that bitch.

Like, that was what I got out of it. But she was, like, talking so loud. I was like, what are you? I don't get those people when they talk so loud. They want to be heard. Yeah, they want to be heard. They say stuff like that because they want people to hear them. So they act like crazy people.

And they're like, oh, what a bitch. Come on. I hate her so much. Can you believe what Tiffany did? Yeah, exactly. Like, somehow everyone's going to know who Tiffany is. Like, oh, shit. Did everyone hear about Tiffany?

That's tough on her. Like, they're in the lunchroom at high school. Yeah, it's exactly like that. Yeah, so there it probably would matter, because everyone's like, oh my god, I can't believe Tiffany did that. In the real world, though, none of that matters. People are like, what a weirdo. Oh my god, and then there's this girl at the candy

store. She stands outside the candy store, right? Wait, okay. And she has gummy bears, and she just hands gummy bears out to people, but she's got her, like, her script thing down so well that if she gets rejected, she just moves on, like, so fast. She's like, want to try some gummy bears? Want to try some gummy bears? Have a nice day.

Want to try some gummy bears? Have a nice day. Like, she'll say that, like, a billion times in a matter of, like, five minutes. She's probably paid a lot. And by a lot, I mean minimum wage. She didn't do that. Yeah. But she's, like, amazing at it. She like amazing at it she's very good she's very

good at that very good uh i mean that's about it for what i great man you live the best life yeah you live you live la vida loca yeah my life's kind of cray. It is. I can't believe that's what you did. I mean, let's see. There's got to be something else going on. Come on. There's got to be something in your life. Come on. There's got to be something. Starbucks. Didn't go to Ikea today. Nope. God damn it. There's got to be something.

Grocery store. Anything? Nope. Got to be something. Got to be something better than the grocery store. Let's see. No. store or anything no gotta be something gotta be something better than the grocery store uh let's see uh no uh not no there's nothing oh yeah there was another guy in the grocery store who was like talking about the bulls game but he was talking just like that woman he's like a guy version of that woman or vice versa but he's just like yo bro like what oh you're breaking up must be the growth like the grocery store hello huh bro i can't hear you and he did that for like five minutes maybe that's when you hang up bro yeah i was like you should probably maybe that's when you hang up and then he's just like

uh oh do you know what the score is, dude? Dude, bro, like, I can't hear what you're saying, dude, bro. Maybe if I walk, no. Dude, do you know the score? All right, I can't hear you, dude. And I was just like, why? Why do you just look on your phone? I don't get it.

That was my only grocery store thing. I mean, it's got to, it's gotta be something else. It's gotta be something else. Nothing. You've got nothing. Uh, let's see. You know what you do have, Crandor? What do I have?

Chop the gaps over the sky with Crandor! Crandor, how's that traffic out there? Oh, uh, traffic out here is interesting because, I mean, I can't really think of what I was doing. I mean, I went to Starbucks, right? I went to the mall. Uh, I think I went to, uh, no, I didn't, I didn't go there. You know what, I didn't, yeah, I went to the other place today. And, oh, there's a, oh, there's a giant crash down there.

today and oh there's a oh there's a giant crash down there oh man john skinner uh just acquired superpowers because he got spilled radioactive waste onto him so uh john skinner is now uh one of the x-men back to you thanks crendor wow one of the first x-men that is yeah yeah actually important news. I'm surprised we let the weather guy cover that. Yeah, I'm too. That's kind of weird. All right, well, let's go over to the weather desk. Wait, yeah, that was traffic weather.

Look, it doesn't matter. Same thing. It's not the same thing. It is. It's not. It is. All right, let's type in a random zip code here. Uh-huh. Uh, two, four, six, eight, two, four, zero, four, five, six, six, five.

Alright, we're just typing in a letter. F-A, nothing? F-J, F-O, F-P, FOA. I'm pretty sure there's no F-P.F-O-F-P-F-O-N. I'm pretty sure there's no F-P. There it is. F-O-N-U-N-I-T-Y of South Sudan. What? All right.

What's happening in the Sudan today, Trendor? In the Sudan today, we'll kick it over to WAPI. WAPI activated. Phone South Sudan weather. We'll kick it over to Woppy. Woppy activated. Phone sounds too non-weather. Today, May 5th. What? What? What?

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What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? what?, the wind in the air, the wind in the air, the wind in the air, the wind in the air, the wind in the air, the wind in the air, the wind low 79 degrees partly cloudy skies 20 chance of precipitation wind south southeast eight miles per hour i like how the robot had to go it was just him activating oh was it yeah so activating robots make a slurping sound well it's because he's still like getting over being stuck in the rain. Oh, so it's a little wet in there. Yeah. Gotcha. Oh, that makes sense. He's still drying out. That makes perfect sense.

Why didn't you just say that? I forgot. Yes, you did. All right, so what is happening in the world of sports? Sports, big time news. Sports, always big time news. This time, we had the NFL draft over the weekend. We did. We did have that.

Some intense things happened. The teams that needed people got some of their players. Some of the teams that needed people didn't get their players. It all happened in Chicago for the first time, and usually it happens in New York City, but they were like, we're going to do it in Chicago for some reason. So that's a thing that finally happened here. That was a very good summary. Some people got who they wanted.

Yeah. Some people didn't. In the end, people were drafted. Yeah, and people will grade the draft and be like, these players are going to turn out great. Or like, these players are going to be awful. And then they'll come back three years from now and be like, so here's the mistakes I made in predicting things,

and I'll regrade it all. That's what they do. They fix their mistakes three years later and be like, so here's the mistakes I made in predicting things and I'll regrade it all. That's what they do. They fix their mistakes three years later and being like, I said this guy'd be good, but he was bad. That's an article I now wrote. Yes, that is pretty much what all sportscasting is. I'm going to make a few guesses

based on some knowledge I may or may not have. And a few years from now, I'll go back and say if I was right or not. If I was right, I'm a god. That's what I would want to do if I didn't do YouTube. I found my other job. You need a sportscaster? There's this one guy on NFL Network when I was watching it.

He's just this guy, and all he does is analyze the football people and then talk about who he'd pick every time. He's just like, well, the Cleveland Browns did a lot of positioning and uh you know a lot of holes to fill over there i think that's what he sounds like or is that what you'd sound like no that's what he sounds like oh i thought that's the voice like if i was gonna be a sportscaster that's the voice that's also what i'd sound like they need a lengthy wide receiver and that's fit in the slot, so when you push him out to the middle of the field, he's not going to get clobbered by the free safety.

Now, Ray L. Collins is on the board here. I think he's a nice fit to their scheme. I have to disagree. Crandor. Your name, by the way, would still be Crandor. But it'd be with a Q-U. Crandor. You'd be like, I have to disagree, Latavius Crandor.

You see, I believe that Jamarcus Jones is a far better player. No, here's where you're wrong. Jamarcus Jones back in college, he may have played well, but at the combine, he ran a 4-7. Really just terrible stats, you know. Yeah, but it's about the heart. I feel like all the other players this year are really in it for the money. But Jones, he's got something that they don't have,

and that's how you win Super Bowls. And, you know, that's why they got to pick him in Cleveland. You know, that team needs heart. They need something. And, you know, that's why they got to pick them in Cleveland. You know, that team needs heart. They need something. Otherwise, you know, a few years down the line, they're not going to have anything. They might have to hit the panic button down there. We pretty much are sportscasters.

Yeah, we are. We are pretty much sportscasters. Yeah, we just have to put on our douchey sports. That's right. I'm really excited to see what happens this year. Now, let me tell you about this sport. Why is that a sportscaster? That's right, Cregdor.

I'm so excited. Basically, that's my old drunk man voice. Basically, sportscasters are all old drunks is what I'm getting at. Yeah. I can't believe that this year's Super Bowl is being held in Alaska. What were they thinking? It's cold up there. Sure.

When you got Jim John playing up there, he can't even throw the ball in 40-degree weather. He's been throwing it in 10-degree weather. What do you think this is? Some sort of hockey game? They're going to call it the Frozen Ball Bowl for more than one reason. Am I right? Yes, Ben. Ba-ba-ba-ba.

Man, we should get hired by someone. We should be hired by everyone. We should do all the jobs. Yeah, we should just do everything. We should just do everything there is to do. I did know that when I was in England, there were these two guys who I guess used to be singer-songwriters and boy bands or whatever. Yeah. But they host pretty much every show there now. They're like these two guys who I guess used to be singer-songwriters and like boy bands or whatever. Yeah. But they host pretty much every show there now.

They're like these two dudes and everyone hates them. No one thinks they have any talent, but everyone, like, they're on every show. That's what we need. That's what we need. That's what I need in my life is to be just on everything. It's just like people changing their channel or looking up videos. It's just us again. It's just like, what's on the. But it's us in different outfits with different

voices. Alright, watch some basketball. It's like, and he shoots the three-pointer. Oh man, I haven't seen this many three-pointers since. Man, I'm just going to go watch some baseball instead. It's like, wait, are these the same guys? How are they doing two different live effects?

This is such a great game. I haven't seen gameplay like this since the great shootout of 1963. Hey, Tiger, look out there. I see a little girl. She's eating some ice cream. Bring your kids out to the ballpark today. Got a free ice cream with a coupon. You get an ice cream and a helmet.

Remember when we used to have ice cream and helmets? Yeah. Do they still do that? That was awesome that you get a helmet with ice cream in it. Only if you're one of the first 500 people under the door. You get ice cream helmets. Man, that was awesome that you take the little helmet home because you ate ice cream out of it. Yeah.

Man, I want an ice cream sundae and a helmet now. That's BS. I want that so badly. That'd be my favorite part of going to the ballgame. Watching baseball is boring as shit, but getting an ice cream sundae in a helmet? That is legit. I guarantee, like, almost all the announcers of sports are, like, alcoholic people. Or they're just, like, crazy.

Oh, well, yeah. They're all old, crazy. I think it's safe to say, if you're in sports, you're an old, crazy alcoholic. I think it's safe to say that. That's not offensive, right? They had old playoff games of the nfl right they have john madden and pat summerall pat summerall they were obviously old drunks well john madden wasn't even drunk he's just like all right here's the play coming out of the bell and then pat summerall just like and here's the play on third and goal.

Yeah, when John Madden was like, everything he said was old and perverted. He's got to hammer through. And when that man bends over, you go right up the tight end because that's the only way you can get in there. You got to hammer it home and you got to pound it hard because it's going to get messy down there. Sloppy and messy. And let me tell you, when a bunch of men are on top of you,

sloppy and messy is the only way it's going to end up. Like, that's every single one of his things. Great analysis, John, and back to the football field. That's literally every one of their broadcasts. If you don't know what we're talking about, look up John Madden and Pat Summerall. Just listen to them. That's exactly how they do it.

Best broadcast team of our generation. I've been broadcasting for 52 years. And every time the new season starts, I can't wait to see greased up men get into each other. It's like, what are you talking about, John? It's like, I love football. Football's great. By the way, these are the worst Pat Summerall and John Madden

impressions you will ever hear, by the way. Just so you're aware. She makes it great. Alright. That's sports. That's sports, yeah. So what is our big news story of the day? Big news story of the day. Psh, psh. Study shows beards are covered in poop.

I'm sorry, what? Yeah, it says study shows... No, no, no, I'm sorry, what? That beards are covered in poop. I'm sorry, what? Yeah, it says the study shows... No, no, no, I'm sorry, what? That beards are covered in poop. We need to do this story. I'm sorry. As a beard-haver, what? All right, it also shows a guy going crazy,

like, oh, my God. Yes, no, I'm about to. What is this study about? All right, hold on, I gotta click this ad. Stupid bro Bible? All right, hold on. I gotta click this ad. Stupid bro bible. All right. At some point, every bro will need to make this decision. Beard or poop face.

Wait, what? What? According to new research on the bacteria found in beards, apparently the hair found on your face is literally crawling in the same fecal bacteria found on toilets. That's right. What? The beard on your face is no cleaner than your toilet. What? This is according

to science, so it's not up for debate, says the bro bible. But shouldn't you just wash your beard like I do every day? Wouldn't that take care of that? You would think so. You would? The study. What kind of person, like, if you're an old homeless man who has a long-ass

beard with birds living in it, you may have shit in your beard. Like, well, yeah, of course. This had me worried. I was like, wait, there's shit in my beard? No. All right. So what is the real story here? The study was undertaken by KOAT News out of Albuquerque, New Mexico.

Oh, it's New Mexico. That's just meth heads and old people. Of course their beers are full of shit. That is a valid point. Yeah. Let's see. They say, a handful of brave men allowed Action 7 to swab their beards, and the results showed some beards are as dirty as toilets. So they didn't even say all beards.

They said some beards. Some weirdos beards. Some, again, either a meth head or an old man's beard. Here's my question. How do you get it that dirty? So basically what I imagine the case is you wipe your butt and then you scratch your beard. Yeah, they probably do that. Because like, man, that was such a good poo.

Now I'm going to scratch my beard. Oh, that's a good beard scratch. They say some. That's the biggest thing is some of them. That's like saying like some people smelled funny at the party like well yeah because there's always people that smell funny you just you know so what's the so do they even give you a number of how many people or is it just so just some this is horrible this is such a clickbait article here i thought i was gonna be

like every man's face is covered in poo like there there's been a study of 30,000 beards. Yeah, like every single one of them had fecal matter. Fecal matter. Fecal matter. That sounds like you'd be a villain. Fecal matter. Fecal matter. It's some sort of robot.

He was a robot named Matto. It's some sort of robot. He was a robot named Matto. I am Fecal Matto. The Fecal has to stand for something like Free Enterprising Calculating Automaton Locator. And he's like, I am Fecal Matto. Yes, he's an evil robot that fights against the powers of the Grey Storm and Guy Hero. Oh, dang. It makes sense. Fecalmato.

Fecalmato. It sounds like a laundromat. It does sound like a laundromat. Come on down to Fecalmato. We'll get the shit out your beard. You walk in, they just spray you down. Thanks a lot, my fecal mato. It's like,

oh yeah, I got that beard. That's it, clean. Fecal mato. That came out of my mouth. Yeah, this article's stupid. This is stupid. Yeah, that's a stupid article. That's a click-baity article.

There's got to be one more. One more chance, Crandor. All right, one more chance. Maybe Yahoo can redeem us. It always does. What is dad bod and is it healthy? Uh, I don't know. Oh, man, dad bod.

What is dad bod and is it healthy? Good question. Have you heard of dad bod yet? No. I didn't think so. It's a relatively new term used to describe not-so-new body types, and the internet is now a frenzy. Someone who has a dad bod is someone who was probably a pretty good athlete back in school,

but then maybe let himself go as he entered adulthood. No six-packs here. As Mackenzie Pearson of the Odysseysey who is responsible for the recent popularity of the term puts it the dad bod says i go to the gym occasionally but i also drink heavily on the weekends and enjoy eating eight slices of pizza at a time uh so it's just a beer belly it's pretty much like yeah like a person in good shape but they have like kind of a beer belly yeah god damn it you You know what, News? You're stupid.

Yeah, this is stupid. So basically, we can combine the articles and say that McKenzie Phillips, or whatever the hell her name is, is attracted to dad bods and loves shit beards. Hey, look at this. Look at that. That's what they're saying is a dad bod. He looks like a normal dude. What?

Yeah. It looks exactly like a normal guy. Yeah. It looks exactly like a normal guy. Yeah, he looks exactly like a normal guy. I think that's supposed to be, what's his face? Leonardo DiCaprio. It's supposed to be Leonardo DiCaprio? Doesn't it look like Leonardo DiCaprio? No, it doesn't.

Whatever. But it's just a man. It's literally just a man. Yeah, it's just a man. It's a man who, yeah, you can tell that at one point in his life he probably was super fit, but he hasn't worked out in, like, a year. So he isn't, like, super ripped, but he's, like, normal. Like, that's, all right, whatever.

So you know who Mackenzie Pearson is? Who? She's the author on The Odyssey who's going to be graduating Clemson University in 2017. And she writes articles such as, 20 songs you need on your study playlist, 7 Clemson professors you need to experience, 17 struggles of being pre-med. She's that person. Oh, I hate this person.

Yeah. She's... Oh, I hate her. She's an avid clickbait articler. Oh, I hate her so much. The honest truth about college. Like she would know. You're in the class of 2017.

You're not even done with it yet. You're not even done with it yet. The truth about college. I know everything there is to know about college because I went there for two years already. Get out. Get out, Mackenzie. Your name's Mackenzie. Get out of here.

Get out of here, Mackenzie. Get out of here. That's it for the podcast podcast NFL drafted by John Madden I'm telling you when there's 15 men piling on McKenzie it's gonna be a flop send your angry letters

get off John Madden Oh, God. Send your angry letters, Karev. John Madden. All right, that's how you wrap a show up. Yeah, that was the line we needed to cross. We crossed it. We shit on that line, too. Much like a beard, we shit all over that line. Yeah. Oh, man, all the segues

back to the things. Anyway, that's it. Thank you so much for watching, listening, whatever you're doing right now. And as always, to be continued.