Cox n' Crendor Show - Episode 112 - Cracker Barrel Pizza

Episode Date: October 28, 2015

The bubble gum bandit returns! Crendor helps Jesse solve the case, but then their investigation quickly devolves into a talk about a new wacky movie Jesse saw. Also a guy gets stuck in a cracker barrel pizza.

Hello everybody, it's time for Cox and Crendor in the morning. In the morning. Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live. In 4-hour recording studio. Recording. Wake your ass up, it's Cox and Crendor in the morning. Hello everybody, welcome back to Cox and Crandor in the morning! Up and up, Cox and Crandor in the morning! Hello everybody, welcome back to Cox and Crandor in the morning.

Hey, give me an M. M? Yeah, like the cheer, like give me an M. M? Give me an O. O? What's that spell? Mo?

Yeah. What? What? I was going to spell out morning, but that seemed like too much work once I started. You gave up? Yeah. So you're like, what's that spell? Everyone in the crowd's like, is that a name?

Are you giving us the title to Mo Money Mo Problems? What are you doing? Mo Money Mo Problems. Yeah, man. That was a thing back in the 90s. It used to be on shirts and stuff. That was probably too little. Mo Money Mo Problems. That's what it was all about. Oh.

Yeah. So, I want to start out this episode with telling you that a crime has been committed against me. Alright. The Bubblegum Bandit has returned. The Bubblegum? Oh, the Bubblegum Bandit. I am so mad. So, the other day I go out to my car, bubblegum on the license plate again. I'm like, who does, who's doing this? Who is doing this?

So then I have to go get like a tissue or something. In this case, I got, I had letters in my hand. And so I had one that was like, get a free credit card. It was like, I'm not going to use this. So I use that to get the bubblegum off. Yeah. And it keeps happening. and I don't know why. And here's the thing.

When you think about the possible culprits, I don't know that I'll ever be able to solve this case. What happened with the girls that we thought did it last time? Well, they don't live there. Oh, shit. They were just guests of someone else. So,

so, here's who lives in my apartment complex with me that I'm aware of. All right. There is possible foreign lady who has an accent that sounds foreign but is fake. Okay. And her French husband. Okay. It could very well be them, but they're very nice to me. Yeah.

Right? They're very nice and they usually keep to themselves. Yeah. There's muscle-bound black dude. Okay. But we're cool. We get along real well. Yeah. Unless he heard the podcast where I was like, he did destroy our neighborhood.

Yeah, except for that part. In a freak out. But, I mean, he didn't destroy anything of your values. Yeah, yeah. Then there's creepy old lady who looks like, if you've seen the show Gotham, it looks like Penguin's mom. Okay. And she's just like, Speaks in tongues.

Yes. She does this weird waddle when she walks. And she looks like, I don't even know how to describe her. She looks crazy. Her hair is fake dye red but she's like maybe 80 so i i can't even describe this person to you i want to point out there's nothing sillier than seeing like when you're young and you want to dye your hair that's cool you're you're wild you're crazy i get that when you're older you just don't give shits anymore and so you're like i'm

gonna dye my hair crazy colors her hair isn't dyed a crazy color. Her hair is like. Literally dead. Like a normal shade of color, but it looks abnormal on her. Does that make any sense? Yeah, I get what you mean. It's like if you see. You are so old, there's no way you have that color hair.

It's like if you see like a, let's see, what's a good animal to pick here? Like a cheetah, but the cheetah's green. And you're like, that cheetah's not supposed to be green. Yes, exactly. This woman is like a green cheetah. We're going to call her the green cheetah. The green cheetah, and she's like, whenever I see her walk by, she's like, I'm like, all right, sure, sure.

Then I'm trying to go floor by floor so I can imagine. So then there's also next to me is a very attractive young Asian girl and her, I think, 50-year-old boyfriend. All right. Who looks like, you know that, he looks like Kim Jong-un, really. Okay. So basically, she's dating the leader of North Korea, and they have these little tiny yippy dogs, and we've never had a problem. Their dog did bite me once, and I literally was about to kick that little shit. But that's nothing.

We were in the elevator, and the dog was like, and he bit into my jeans, so nothing happened. And she was like, I'm so sorry. I was like, don't worry about it. Dogs are dogs. She's like, oh. But I would kick it if I could. Yeah, if I could, I would kick that little shit.

And so then there's them, and then there's two Indian frat boys who are like drunk as hell, but I don't know if drunk as hell equates to stick bubble gum on someone's license plate. Then there is a little old Hispanic lady, right? Are you following me here so far? No one seems like the obvious culprit. No one. I feel like the Indian frat boys might do it, though. But then, why?

Like, why would they target mine? It doesn't make sense. It's not a prank. It's just cereal gum placing. It makes no sense. Then there's a woman who has that big fat dog that I was talking about. And I love that dog. And I think that woman's silly as hell.

And that dog's like, oh, oh, oh, oh. And he can barely move. And maybe the dog takes so long, she needs to find a place to put her gum. Yeah. So she just like puts it there. But even then, there's a million places to put the gum. So it's someone who has something against me. If I was the detective and this was Law & Order SVU, we would say, this person has it in for you.

Yeah. Because it's targeting you. So why are they after me? What did I do to this person? I don't interact with anyone in my apartment complex. Ever. What about the gate guy? Ever.

What? The gate guy. The gate guy. Guy that's like, hey, you could let your car in. Sits out there. Well, but the gate guy? What? The gate guy. Guy that's like, hey, you could let your car in. It sits out there. Well, but the gate guy's cool. The gate guy actually helped me move my bookshelf from my apartment to the office. Oh.

He was like, hey, you're not going to fit that in there. Come here. I got a truck. Give me 30 bucks for gas. I'll drive it down there. I was like, what? All right, sure. What if he only did that so that he would he could stick his gum on your car he's allowed to stick his gum that was really helpful that was that helped me out when he knew what i needed help he was there all right gate guy helped me but i don't like and then there's

one other guy and he's sort of like a bro dude and he parks next to me but he and I are real like cordial. He's like, what up dude? I'm like, hey, how's it going? He's like, that's cool. He's like PC Principal. Oh, I see. I've been watching all the new South Parks.

They're pretty great. Oh my god, the new South Parks are amazing. They are really great. Amazing. You see the latest one? Overlooking Historic Kenny's house. Oh, the Yelp one? No, they just did the latest one? Historic Kenny's house. Oh, the Yelp one? No, they just did the new one.

It's about people on Twitter and stuff. Oh, no. The last episode I saw was Yelp, which was legit the truest thing I've ever seen. They're just all at the end just all talking. It's like, I am so happy that my voice is not lost in the crowd. I love when South Park does those moments of just like, here's what the point of this episode was. And I was like, oh, it's so good.

That might still to this day, one of the truest, most on-point social critique shows ever. You love the latest one. It's like they're sad that they get mean comments on the internet and so they have butters filter out all the mean comments and everyone hires him and he's just like i don't want to do it anymore and he's like we're gonna get detention because you're doing a good deed and if you stop that's you're gonna get detention he's like i can't get detention i'll get grounded and he's like good keep doing it and then cartman's just like, wow, I love reading all these comments.

He's like, dude, he filtered through all the bad ones. And he's like, I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, I'll have to watch that. No, I didn't see that one. That was really good. That was Yelp. Yeah, I love that they're doing what they did last season, which was continuing a story about the entire thing.

I like that, too. That's pretty great. Oh, my God. They do Whole Foods. That's the other part of it. It's all about, like, shaming. And so he so he's like hey would you like to give a dollar to hungry kids he's like no i'm fine he's like because you know the hungry kids sure could use food and he's like no no i'm fine he's like all right well your change will be in the uh the change

dispenser you have to pull the sandwich out of the hungry girl's mouth and then it'll reveal the change and then he like keeps trying to pull it he's like oh you got to pull hard harder than that she's really hungry i i am a victim of that i'm gonna say a victim i'm a victim of being guilted every time i go somewhere every time yeah if there's a line of people and they say hey uh would you like to donate i'm like yeah sure but if there's no line of people i'm no. I just don't want to be judged by the assholes behind me. It's LA. Everyone behind you is like, well, that young man, I can't believe he didn't donate $1. Unfathomable.

Although I will say shout out to, oh, did I go back there and use it? Yeah, I did. Sorry, I had a brain fart. The Habit, which is a burger restaurant for one dollar if you donate a charity they gave you a coupon for one burger that burger four dollars what so i was like you're damn right i'm donating here take three dollars oh yeah they're like have three coupons i was like later in the episode he finally gives a dollar and he's like all right well thanks he's like

you know only giving a dollar he like puts his name on the one dollar board there's like people giving like 10 and 20s like you could give more you know it's because a dollar is really not going to do much that's all it's how oh my god that's all that's happening right now so i am a big nerd that listens to npr right on the way into work. And they're doing their membership drive right now. They seem to do more and more every year. It used to be like every season we do a new one, but now it seems like every three weeks there's another one. But I swear to God, on the drive, they're like, did you know?

By the way, by the way, I want to say that I feel like names in LA are made up. All right. They were like, we just, tangent for a moment. They were like, we just got a $25 contribution from Linda Chinese. And I'm like, what? Linda Chinese? That's not a name. She just calls up and she's like a Swedish person.

Yeah. Like, what? Chinese is a last name? And then there's another person was named Sabra Humas. I was like, wait, did Sabra Humas just come to me? Did someone named Sabra Hummus just donate to you? Did someone named Sabra Hummus just donate to you? We have another donation from Chip Swaggler. The old Chip Swaggler is calling up his third donation.

We have another donation from a Chip Sahoy. Anyway, they keep asking for money, but when they ask for money in donations, they're like, well, John and Melinda McCarthy are offering us $25,000, but only if you donate.

$100,000 if you donate in the next 25 seconds. And you're like, what? Oh, we're getting it we're getting close but we're not there yet we're getting real close we need we need by next hour we need 500 more donors or else we lose this 26 000 and a child in africa dies like save little timmy condition that's horrible i know uh i like how we got on this subject from some dude putting gum on my car. Oh, yeah.

I still don't know what's going to happen with that. Good news is I move November 1st, so I'll never have to worry about it again unless it happens. Oh, shit, man. What if, like, on the final day, like, you're getting ready to leave, and they're just standing by the car and they just put the gum on. They're just like, that one's for safekeeping. I don't know. And they blow me a kiss and walk away. Yeah.

I kind of wish it was the old lady. The green cheetah. The green cheetah. What if she's like summoning her like green cheetah. What if she's summoning her green cheetah powers? She could morph into a green cheetah. Like run off into the distance to the LA desert. Everyone knows cheetahs can't chew gum. So she's got to put her gum somewhere.

She transforms into a cheetah. She's speaking cheetah. She's speaking cheetah. I watched Mr. Robot. Did you finally watch it all? Yeah, that was really good. It's such a good show. I love the fact that, kind of spoilers, that it takes the premise of what you knew in like episode one, like what everyone thought in episode one,

and then once they reveal it, it's like they break the fourth wall and he's like, you all knew this was going to happen, didn't you? I was like, oh, the writing's so good. They have a lot of the really good writing where you can go back and watch it again and see all the little subtle hints about stuff. Yeah, I liked the one episode where he like has his

drug flip out where he has that crazy dream and he goes to his house and says 404 not found I was like what does that mean and then by the last episode you're like oh my god it's so good like it all fits together perfectly and there's so much crap in there where you're like

what what i know i mean i like i can't wait to see what happens next season yeah i want to see the next season now too i like bill i yeah man i like i like bill's just a normal guy he probably browses imgur he has his cat you know he's just bill i i love that show it's fantastic Oh speaking of stuff that I watched So I was on The plane back from England And I had cause on the way out there I slept the entire time so I didn't watch anything

But on the way back it was during the day I was like well I ain't gonna sleep let's watch some movies I watched so many movies Crendor I watched San Andreas Which upon looking back is a silly movie to watch because it involves the rock flying treacherously

and then LA and San Francisco being destroyed, which is where I was headed. So, all of it ill omens. And that was a mediocre movie at best. It was very silly. I think the girl who... Who was the girl in that movie? Was it Kylie Minogue?

Whoever the girl was, was, like, too gorgeous. I felt bad because every scene she was in, I wasn't like, oh, she's in peril. This is awful. I was like, damn, she is too effing hot. Like, this is – and then the guy who was with her and her little brother – or his little brother were like – I was like, man, that guy is so effing lucky. My God, this girl is ridiculous. And then the guy who was with her and her little brother, or his little brother, were like, I was like, man, that guy's so effing lucky. My God, this girl is gorgeous. Like, this is ridiculous. I was always taken out of the moment.

I was like, holy shit, she is hot. Damn, dude. Like, I can't even, I'm sitting there like, my God. And because you're on a plane, you can't really go anywhere, So you just literally have to focus on what's happening on the screen. You're like, God almighty. Like, wow. If this was the apocalypse, I'd love to be stuck with her. Holy shit.

It was that kind of level of discussion in my head. Then after that ended, I watched a movie called True Story. A movie called True Story that is an independent film starring James Franco and, oh my god, who's the guy from Superbad that wasn't McLovin? The fat guy? Yeah. Yeah, what was his name? Oh my god, what is his damn name? I don't remember. Not Seth Rogen, the other guy. Yeah, I know who name? Oh my god, what is his damn name? I don't remember.

Not Seth Rogen, the other guy. I know who you're talking about. You know, the other one. Help me out here. Help me out here. The internet will save you. Someone right now listening to this is losing their mind. Like, oh my god. It's, uh, where is he?

Where is he? Jonah Hill. Jonah Hill, that's right. Yeah. So it's, Jonah Hill is a writer for Time magazine and he goes to Africa and ends up making up a story. Like he takes this life story of several African boys who are being tortured and combines them into one kid so he can sell this story better. And he gets caught and disgraced and he has to go back to i guess live with his wife who lives in like a different state which is really weird but it's like

he is kind of ruined no one wants to work with him anymore meanwhile james franco is playing a guy who is a wanted killer who killed his family and he's picked up in Mexico, and when they pick him up, he's using this dude's name, right? So a reporter calls him and is like, hey, did you know this guy who killed his family was caught in Mexico using your name? And Jonah Hill's like, what?

And so he goes out to find the details, and he realizes, like, oh shit, this could be my new story. This could get me back in with people yeah and so he goes to talk to to james franco and the entire movie is like this weird cat and mouse thing between because james franco's stuck in prison and he offers to give jonah hill the story like the scoop of what happened because he's like it's not what you think that happened it's not what you think that happened. It's not what you think.

And Jonah Hill's like, all right, well, if you give me the scoop, I'll teach you how to write. Because this dude loves to write, but he's horrible at it. And he's like, I'll teach you how to write. And so it's the relationship between the two of them, and it's apparently based on a true story, but it's like, and the people involved are totally real, and it's really twisted. It's kind of spooky, but at the same, and the people involved are totally real, and it's really twisted.

It's kind of spooky, but at the same time kind of campy and weird. It's a very strange movie, and at the end you're like, what just happened? Those are my kind of movies. Yeah, it's maybe an hour and a half long. It's not even that long of a movie.

It's like Paddington. Yeah. It's exactly like paddington and that um and that a crazy person is accused of killing his family just like what would happen if you let a bear in your house i mean that one lady killed paddington's family that is true yeah murdered great movie paddington not uh and then paddington actually beat out mad max on rotten tomatoes it's all i'm saying. Are you ready for this? Then the creme de la creme movie. A movie that I didn't think would be possible.

Remember how I told you about that movie that featured Hayden Christensen and Nick Cage in Ancient China as Templar Knights? I do. On the plane, I watched another movie, and I think it was called Dragon Warrior or The Last Dragon Warrior. Some BS like that.

Starring Jackie Chan as a Hun warrior who led a group called the Silk Road Protection Force in ancient Roman times where John Cusack

plays a Roman having his unit hunted down by another Roman unit. What? Who is led by Adrian Brody. Wait, and what's this called? It's something all I know is it is

literally one of the worst things I've ever seen. It is amazing. It's so bad it's amazing. It is like the plot is so convoluted and so silly, it's definitely made for Chinese audiences, because there's no way an American audience could follow this movie. Like, it has all the tropes of a Chinese movie, but, like, it's just so effing ridiculous. I can't even, here's a perfect example. I can't even, here's a perfect example. There's a, the opening of the movie is these two armies meet, and one, it appears, is like Indian, and one, it appears, is, I think it's the Huns.

Yeah. And they meet in the Silk Road, and they're like, this is our part of the road. No, this is our part of the road. But it's all done in, like, subtitles, right? And then Jackie Chan's protection squad shows up, and they're like, everyone, stop fighting. We've got to work this out. And one of the hung girls is like, no,

I'll never. And they start fighting. It's like cheesy karate action film stuff. Right. And then he pulls off her mask and he realizes that he knows her. And then, and then she's like, Oh,

and then cut to all the protection squad riding horses, laughing like, like what the shit? And then it cuts to Jackie at the girl's house. And she's like, she's like, you've taken off my mask. And then she pulls off all of her clothes. And Jackie's like, oh, no. It turns his head.

He's like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And leaves. And then it cuts back to the guys going, ah, all right. I want to see this now. And the plot is John Cusack's Roman soldiers have a young, I'm going to say prince, but I know that's not what he is. But he's like the heir to one of the big Roman families. And he's been blinded by his brother, and his brother killed his father.

And now his brother is using his army to track down John Cusack's army. And so John Cusack has made it to the Silk Road, to China, to the something geese, wild goose gate, or whatever the hell it's called, and it's this crumbling ruin, and it turns out they have 15 days to repair this thing, or else everyone there gets killed, so Jackie Chan uses his like now established rapport because they fought, right? So because they fought now they're best friends to, he uses his rapport with John Cusack to rebuild the thing.

And so it's like this, the whole overarching theme is like, why do we need race and division? And like, it's, it's a weird, it's a weird story to come out of china because it's like every one of the world should just get together and be peaceful why why is there so

much hate the white people and us we can be cool just help us build like that's that's like the premise of the movie it's a very weird movie and then the last hour or not even that, like the last 45 minutes, Adrian Brody finally shows up and is like, I'm going to kill you. And he's super overacting. He's like, let me tell you what I intend to do. You're like, all right, great. My God, I just looked it up on Rotten Tomatoes. It is so awful and silly. The top critic comment is,

Just about everyone seems to get slash carved up or skewered, and vengeance rains down upon all, except, of course, the one villain who truly deserved it, the filmmaker. Yep. Everyone in this movie, by the end of the movie, literally everyone is either half dead or it's just super...

And it's not even violent. It's just ridiculous violence. Because it's... They do that thing where if a guy gets slashed, he does that spin to camera and then falls over. That happens numerous times. There's never any blood. And when there is blood, it's only on John Cusack.

Poor John Cusack is constantly just covered in blood jackie chan pretty much makes it out i'm not gonna spoil it just watch this movie find this movie and watch it and be like the shit did i just watch it is it is definitely a better watch than the hayden christensen movie. Alright. Because it is so... The Hayden Christensen movie is wacky. This one is so bad, it's enjoyable bad. Okay. You're like, what is happening right now? This is awful.

Yeah. Well, that's good to know. I'll definitely watch that then. I know... What's it called? So people who are listening can watch it? It is the Dragon Blade or Tian Jiang Zhong Shi. Wait, pause. Yeah.

The movie's called Dragon Blade, but there's not even a Dragon Blade within the movie. Yeah, Dragon Blade. The only focus of the movie is, like, weapon-wise, there's not... The only thing that is of importance is there's a suit of armor,

but the suit of armor has no dragons on it. There's nothing dragon-related. It takes place at Wild Geese Gate. It has Romans, and the Romans were eagles. It has... The main character is a Hun who runs the Silk Road Protection Force, so he has no association with dragons. I don't... Well, it's called Dragon Ball.

I don't understand. That doesn't even make any sense. That's a Nick Cage Chinese movie. Great. I saw The Martian. That was really good. Oh, I saw The Martian too. That was great. Yeah. It's great because there's no real villain. The villain is like Mars. Yes i i man i wish i know it won't happen but i would like this seems like

the kind of movie that could get you an oscar yeah right because it's literally just like him on mars for 90 of the movie and i was like that's great like this is this is a great movie he is like matt damon is like an awesome actor for being alone on mars he's just like i'm matt damon i make funny punch lines and you're like hey matt yeah you're like you're doing it matt yeah after a while you're just like oh this is the matt damon on mars movie, it was great. I really liked... What is the... Oh, God. Sean Bean. I loved that they let him in this movie

and that he got to make a joke about Lord of the Rings. Oh, yeah, Sean Bean. Yeah, he made the Lord of the Rings joke. I thought that. I was like, hey! And he didn't die. Is that why you were cast? I was so thrilled.

I'm not going to spoil the ending, but I was so thrilled with the ending. I was like, thank you, movie. You're so uplifting. I'm not going to spoil the ending, but I was so thrilled with the ending. I was like, thank you, movie. You're so uplifting. I know. It felt good to have, like, an uplifting movie. Don't spoil nothing. No spoils.

Oh, yeah. The other thing I wanted to mention was a tweet you tweeted about someone at Starbucks talking about alien mind control. Oh, my God. There's a Starbucks near about alien mind control. Oh, my God. There's a man at Starbucks near the office. Right. There's a guy who wears really short jean shorts and ratty T-shirts and one of those hats that if you were hunting velociraptors in the wild, you'd wear. Yeah, I know exactly that hat. Like Muldoon.

Yeah. He's like, clap my girl. Yeah, I know exactly that hat. Like Muldoon. In front of the grass park. He's like, clever girl. Yeah, that hat. And then he stands in front of the Starbucks door. Not even around the Starbucks. Just in front of the damn door. On numerous days I see him there.

I think he doesn't leave. The other day I was there, he came out of the bathroom. I think he showered up in there. So he's definitely just a crazy homeless dude. But he stands out in front of it and just mutters to himself about things and the one day i was i was he was right in front of the door and wouldn't move and he's like going on about how caffeine is alien mind control and we can't we can't go in there don't go in there it's alien mind control they're gonna get you and the only thing i could think of was like, great, let me

through so I can get some of that delicious mind control because I'm effing tired and I need some caffeine. And he's like, no, don't go in there. Don't go in there. Everyone in the Starbucks knows he's there. And they're all like, oh, he's such a distraction. And people are afraid to come in.

I was like, why don't you do something about it? They're like, we don't want to call the police. That'd be mean. What? He's clearly a crazy person. Give this guy some help. Yeah. Oh, God.

The mind control. I hate. As much as I enjoy, for people who are like, Starbucks is shit coffee. Try going to another coffee place around here. There's nowhere else to go. Yeah. I could go to, like, the Coffee Bean Cafe, but that place, the coffee tastes like tea. A lot of times, like, I've tried, like, independent coffee places.

It doesn't taste as good. Yeah. We've been raised on Starbucks. Chill the F out, internet hipster who's like, it's not even good coffee. Whatever. Screw you. I drink a lot of coffee, and I think it's pretty good coffee. And so it drives me crazy, this guy.

Everyone there knows he's a problem, but they don't want to do something like that because they don't want to be rude, and that's why I hate baristas at Starbucks. Because they're all like, I'm kind of a liberal douche, but they're like super liberal douches. It's just like, I don't want to offend him. And like, that's rude.

If you say something mean, like, I don't, maybe he's just, maybe he's got some problems at home. Like, no, he's been outside your store four days in a row talking about how aliens are coming. You gotta do something that makes it weird that I have to avoid this man every time I want to get coffee. Because then when you walk in, it gives gives this look like are you one of them I don't know man am I you get headaches when you don't drink it right that's the aliens aliens mind control all right buddy sure all right you want to move on yeah let's move on. Let's go to Chapter 7 of the Crandor. Crandor, how's that driving over?

Oh, man, I've been flying around in the Chapter chapter today. It's really taking in the view. Nice scenic view. Nice mild temperatures. You know, I'm just having a Starbucks drink. And I felt a little funny, almost like aliens were controlling my mind, but I don't think that's the case. Uh, but I do see that Tequila Guy is down there,

and he's getting some Starbucks. Uh, it looks like he's putting tequila in his coffee, though. That's, uh, you know, I wouldn't expect anything else from Tequila Guy, tell you what. Uh, that's, that's, uh, traffic's looking pretty good, though. Bang, bang, bang, bang! Alright, Quenor, let's go to the That's that's traffic look looking pretty good though

All right, let's go to the weather desk all right We are over at the weather desk right now, and let's kick WAPI in the high gear No results Hold on he's a little high strung right now All right Hold on We're gonna have to Unplug him What is going on?

Iowa Papua New Guinea Iowa Papua New Guinea Iowa Papua New Guinea 77 degrees Fahrenheit There's a place called Iowa Papua New Guinea 77 degrees Fahrenheit There's a place called Iowa, Papua New Guinea Of all the places to name your city in Papua New Guinea

I want to be reminded of home Iowa There's a place called Iowa, Papua New Guinea Uh huh, great That's the weather Population, just as many people as live in Iowa One person And a bunch of cows That's a lot of cows Population, just as many people as live in Iowa. One person and a bunch of cows.

That's a lot of cows. They took over Iowa. That's why we don't land. That's why we always fly over it and don't land. If you land, the cows come after you. It's bad. It's bad news there. This is our state.

This is our state. That's weather. All right. What's going on sports? In sports, the Cubs lost in the NLCS. So that was pretty fun. Oh, and now all the hipsters freaking out about Back to the Future. Back to the Future Day are like, oh, man. Yeah, and then even worse, the Mets beat them.

So everyone's like, hey, Mets, I didn't like them until like two weeks ago. Yeah, I was a Yankees fan, but the Mets are pretty great though, right? So that happened. And then in the football news, well, actually just football, American football, the Bengals and the Packers are undefeated, which I like. How mind-boggling is it that the Bengals are undefeated? I know. It's crazy.

I don't care about anything else except someone defeating them. I hate the Bengals so much. Here's the thing. Knowing the Bengals, they'll make the playoffs, they'll first, they'll lose in the first round. That's what's going to happen. That sounds about right. Good, good, because they deserve it. Oh, I hate them so much.

Aside from that, Peyton Manning now has a noodle arm and it's really, it's really bad. Yeah, well. Let's see, any other sports happen? Basketball and hockey started up again. And football. Turns out FIFA is so corrupt that no one wants to take a new job because it just automatically makes them a corrupt official. And most people can't take the new leadership job because they're already corrupt and don't want to get arrested for being corrupt.

So, yeah. Football. Football. That's sports. Hey hey all right what is our big news story of the day real news story of the day uh uh not much except for a real pizza work per parolee trapped in pizza vent for 11 hours parolee peril thank you he's on parolee Parole? Parole. You mean parole? A parole. That sounds like it. A parole.

I can take two parolees and a garlic bread. So maybe that's what happened. He's like, hey, give me a parole. And he's like, oh, no, we got one of the vets. He starts hitting you with a broom. Get out of the boat. Stop that. Get out of the room! Get out of the room! A man accused of attempting to rob a Michigan pizzeria didn't get away with much of the dough.

He, in fact, didn't get away at all. He instead spent 11 hours stuck in a vent of a restaurant's pizza oven. A Sunday morning incident occurred at the Cracker Barrel Pizza. What? There's a Cracker Barrel P Michigan there is authorities said unidentified man attempted to gain entry into the pizzeria Michigan's like hey we love Cracker Barrel why don't we make it's like Cracker Barrel but without the Quentin is the crack of barrel and it's the guyacker Barrel, but without the coin, it's the Cracker Barrel and it's Italian. Is this the guy like out on a porch in the rocking chair eating a pizza? I'd love to be

some Cracker Barrel pizza, I tell you. We serve it with the best biscuits and gravy you can buy. The gift shop. I always loved that Cracker Barrel had a gift shop. I know. The only restaurant that has a gift shop. You want. The only restaurant that has a gift shop. You want to buy some maple syrup and take it home with you?

No, I can't hear for that. And one of those little puzzles they keep on the tables. Do you like wood puzzles? We've got plenty of old-timey wood puzzles. Keep them kids off that internet. Not looking at that evil Satan magic they they got on there you can get pancakes and puzzles uh so the man got stuck halfway between the roof and the floor uh a few hours later oakland county's sheriff department responded after reports of a screaming man

help i'm an idiot and ignored all the previous times the people had done this and failed after reports of a screaming man. Help! I'm an idiot. I've ignored all the previous times that people have done this and failed. This is... We've done this story, or at least I've read this story, numerous times. Idiot tries to get...

Like, there was the one guy who was like... He tried to get him through the grease trap or, like, the grease vent or whatever into a McDonald's or some crap. Like, this happens all the time, and then they get stuck. It's like, well, yeah, because you're not supposed to fit in there, dumb dumb. I don't know.

The man was arrested and taken to a hospital after being treated for injuries and dehydration. Say his criminal history includes 2005 conviction for home invasion and two 2012 convictions for breaking and entering and possession of a controlled substance. I want to point out two convictions in 2012. He did it once, didn't learn his lesson, did it again because eh, F me. You know, try, try again. You know what they say, if at first you don't succeed, get stuck in a vent. And he, uh,

he's probably gonna go to jail. Good. Good. Throw him away. Throw him away. Get him out. I don't want him in society anymore. I don't either. That guy isn't smart enough to rob someplace. Get him out. Alright. Well, thank you so much for listening. We'll be back next time with another episode.

And as always, to be continued. Swag.