Cox n' Crendor Show - Episode 124 - Vaguely Remembering The Olympics

Episode Date: September 1, 2016

Jesse and Crendor return after a bout with that bastard bronchitis and decide conventions need cold firewalls. Jesse brings Crendor some amazing news stories and Crendor seems to recall that time we watched the Olympics.

Hello everybody, it's time for Cox and Crendon! Cox and Crendon in the morning! In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour recording studio! Recording! Wake your ass up! It's Cox and Crendon in the morning! Cox and Crendo time.

I feel like you were about to say like it's Tuesday or it's Friday or it's some day and then you just kind of switched it over to Cox Day. It doesn't matter what day it is, it's Cox Day. Cox Day sounds horrible. It does. It sounds like the purge. It sounds like everyone's going to fear that day, like, Cox Day's coming. That's right. Not Cox Day.

Not Cox Day. I thought it wasn't real. We're back, and we have gotten over conflues and traveling and all sorts of gibberish, but we actually now can podcast again. The reason why I didn't podcast, I'll be honest with you. If you want to know, go back and watch that animated episode that is me dying while Crandor says a joke, and I can't breathe, and I'm actually choking to death. That was when I had a cold and I also had another basic basically this I had the same

thing I had last year which is I had bronchitis so for those of you who are like what the hell is that I don't even know apparently it's it's a like chest cold neck gibberish thing that let me tell you whatberish thing that you can

basically get. Here's the thing. Doctors are just like just gotta outlast it, that's all. Which is bull patootie because it sucks. And apparently there's a thing where if you get it one year chances are you're gonna get it

the following year. Oh shit, I didn't know that. Which is so dumb. But here's the thing. Then they're like, but then after that, you should be good. Which is like, wait, so you get it, and then you get it again. I was like, wait, does this mean I'm going to get this every year? And they're like, no, no, it's not going to be a problem.

It's like a new holiday. I'm not a fan. Bronchial week. I'm not a fan. They're like, well, it could be you might have an allergen to something. Like, what do you mean? I might have an allergy to conventions. Or cats. I'm going to hope it's cats, because that's

easy to deal with. Bronchitis apparently is the inflammation of the lining of your bronchial tubes. Yes, and what it does is it literally just makes you all mucousy and nasty, and that's it. You don't have a runny nose. You don't have anything. You just start coughing, and you can't stop coughing.

And when your job is to talk, that becomes a problem. Exactly. That does become a problem, just like this guy, if you search acute bronchitis. I don't want to see a weird picture. There it is. What? It didn't do a thing. It just linked a bunch of text. I don't want to see a gross picture, What? It didn't do a thing. It just linked a bunch of text.

I don't want to see a gross picture, Crendor. It's a cartoon man. Is it a gross cartoon man? Search bronchitis in Google. Oh my god. What you sent me is basically the internet code. In the Matrix movies, that's what Crendor sent me. In order to log me in, jack me me in jack me in he sent me makes

his code all right bronchitis what that's it and then look at the little thing that pops up on the side bronc ha ha that guy was me you can die coughing he was just like look at me now I now I fake coughed and I started coughing for real that's how it starts you You fake it until you make it. It's very common. Easily spreads. Self-treatable. Self-diagnosable.

Lab tests. Rarely required. Short-term resolves within days to weeks. Days to weeks is the problem for me. Yeah, that's a problem. I got it when I was a kid, but I didn't do anything when I was a kid, so it didn't matter. Days to weeks is BS. Airborne, spreads airborne, touching contaminated surfaces, skin to skin, saliva.

I feel like in the future, Coxconn will just be like, you waved to me across a bubble. There's a bubble, there's a barrier between us, and I wave back at you and that's it. Oh my god yeah we might have to get rid of all the hugging and handshakes and being near human beings coxconn 2017 is literally just gonna be me on a webcam broadcasting to a convention center filled with people i think that would improve it a lot actually it probably would be great probably better it's just like the screen comes down it's like greetings it is uh you're over I think that would improve it a lot actually. It probably would be great. It probably would be better. It's just like the screen comes down.

It's like, greetings. It is I, your overlord. And then that's it. And you can take a picture with the screen. Shit, dude. Shit, dude. Yeah, apparently, I don't know. There's such a thing as chronic bronchitis. But that's if you're like a smoker and stuff.

Yeah. I'm not that. I shouldn't have this every year. Yeah. That shouldn't be a thing that happens to me in my life. What is this, like a bronchiosaurus land? Acute bronchitis is very common, they say. Generally caused by lung infections, 90% of which are viral in origin. Here's my, here's my question.

If it's a virus, why won't the doctor give me medicine to cure it? The doctor gave me a bunch of medicine. I literally was like, look, doc, I need to get back to work. I will take anything. Give me anything and everything to get this over with. I'm like, all right, we'll give you all these different packs. We'll get you all good so you can go back to work immediately. It helped me.

It helped me out. That's true. But clearly, as you can tell, I'm still coughing a little bit. It didn't get rid of everything. They give you Z-Pack. He did. I got a Z-Pack and I got, I'm trying to think what else I got. I got a bunch of stuff. And then I got nasal stuff to help with any inflammation. It doesn't even matter what I got. But if you took antibiotics, it doesn't help anything because it's a virus.

Right. I didn't get antibiotics. I'm trying to think of what the hell I got. I got something. Whatever the case, it doesn't matter. Okay. If it's viral, though, isn't there something that can kill the virus? Not really. And exactly. The doctors are like, really? You should just wait

it out. Yeah. That's how this works. It's a coughing thing. It's like having a cold. Get it. Which is sucky. Yeah. Which is super sucky because for three or four days, you are like in hell. It is. Sleeping was hard. It was tough.

And this is industrial pollution is another culprit. LA might be behind this shit. That's true. And then here's chronic bronchitis is found... Well, I don't have chronic, but it's saying coal miners, grain handlers, metal molders, and people who are continuously exposed to dust and fumes. Well... I didn't know I was any of those.

You are, like you said, you're in L.A., and that alone probably causes bronchitis to like most L.A. But I never get it when I'm here. I only get it when like last time I got it. I got it at a convention. I think was PAX East. Exactly. No, it's it's overseas. I got it.

I got it last year. I got it when I went to Poland for, uh, the Witcher event that was there and I had it and it just kept getting worse and worse through that like period leading up to E3. Oh yeah, that's right. Yeah. And I was really sick at E3. That's cause I got like bronchitis and then caught like a cold too. So it was a mess. Right? I got this in England. It's traveling overseas. All right.

Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Europe. You're all filled with disease. You're all disease ridden. And I want you to know when Trump takes over and cleanses the world, it'll all be good. Yeah. It'll all be it all be more bronchitis no more I just plague it's all gone yeah football wall keep it out that's our firewall fireball fires what an actual wall of fuck Trump Trump Trump 2020 will build an actual wall of fire. I'd vote for that.

Just think about it. You could probably see it from space. You probably, as it slowly engulfed the world. Yeah. What could go wrong? We'll just build a giant fire. You're right. Nobody would.

Nobody would mess with that. Damn. Anyway, so I mentioned, we might as well bring this up now. Okay. I mentioned the animated show. We are going to make some changes in our lives over the next couple weeks, I guess. Yes. The Cox and Cretendor Patreon that exists now, the one that many of you help us out with,

and the one that many of you complain to us about all the time. Yes. We're shutting it down. It'll be shut down permanently. Gonzo. Gonzo. Done. We don't want any more of your money for Cox and Crandor.

We have agreed, the two of us, that we do these for fun and we do them whenever the hell we feel like it, so it's stupid to attach money to it. But, because we do love money, and we completely lack it, because we love money and we have none of it, our dear sweet child Dan,

our dear baby child Dan, is finally ready to work for us full-time. And so that means we can actually bring him on to create Cox and Crennor animations all the time. To work for us on a full-time basis, we actually can pay him to come on. Yeah.

The problem is a full-time animated salary is quite expensive. And so we are going to create a Patreon basically just so we can afford to bring him on. And then he will do, I think I talked to Dan and it would take about an average of 40 to 50 days per episode. So you're going to get an episode every, I don't know, a bi-monthly episode, right? And so that'll happen. Plus then he can do more stuff for us Like silly thumbnails

And end slates And all that other stuff And we can bring you guys more Crazy stuff with Dan involved as well So It's kind of like the Co-optional podcast animations And everything

Absolutely But we started that We started all those things I mean we're basically The minds behind the internet We really are We're the pioneers But something to keep in mind

If you look at animators One of the big things that was a big story Was about how YouTubers were like Scamming animators to do animation work for them Right? The going rate for animation work is quite high It's one of those things where You just have to pay guys

To do the work because it's skilled's it's one of those things where you just have to pay guys to do the work because it's skilled it's skilled label yeah label skilled labor it's skilled label uh it's skilled labor it's something that very few people can do well and it's something that uh for us is a commodity that we would gladly pay dan to do yeah and it's something we're hoping that you guys will join us in helping him out with because functionally, the two of us, even though I would love it to be the case that we could just be like, we have all the, we're making that PewDie money. Yeah, sadly. We can just.

We don't play Minecraft. So. Sadly, we did not. Yeah, we failed in that aspect. So, yeah. But this is going to make sure that we can bring him on full time and actually have this content for you. So that's where we'd like to direct You and that'll be in the future

And I'm going to Make sure that we get that all set up And there's another announcement Associated with that kickstarter Or I'm sorry With that patreon There's another Announcement included with that patreon

That I'm going to be quiet on Because it involves another life announcement That is super dope And I'm just going to Zip it until then And we'll talk about it on a later podcast I'm sure people will have questions then Yo, enough of that, enough of that gibberish

How you doing buddy? How are things going with you? How has your life been going since we got back from England? Um, it's been alright. Uh, so, uh, let's see. What have I been doing lately? That's a great question. That's why I asked it. I've been, uh, watching sports. I watched the Olympics. Can we take a, before we get into the Olympics, have you seen the new Madden commercial? No, but I've played the new Madden.

The new Madden commercial is a minute and a half spoof of the Justin Bieber song. That Sorry song, I'm Sorry, whatever that song is. It's a spoof of that, nfl player style and it's so silly and wonderful i tweeted it out and i love it i love it it's on tv and it's amazing that this is what they went with to promote matted they literally show oh my god maybe five seconds of actual game von miller yeah he's. How amazing is that? He just dances. Yeah, he dances and sings a song. And he basically says, like, put me on your team when you play this game.

Start me. Like, that's the spoof. Start me. It's genius. It is the first time I've ever been, like, Madden in the past has done wacky commercials that are, like, you know, very stupid silly. Yeah. Like, oh, yeah. and then Madden season, then chicks explode out of rockets or whatever. Yeah.

This was super clever, and I was like, they nailed this one. It's really entertaining. It's one of my favorites. Yeah. Good job, EA. I don't know how that's like for the rest of the world, but here in the States, the Madden commercials, every time they release a new one, it's kind of like a big deal now because they go all out and make like really weird commercials yeah i don't know i thought it was cool so i know that i tweeted it

out i'm sure crendor will say something about it at some point on his on his tweets or yeah i'll probably put it on the tweeter i haven't fully watched it but it does seem pretty great it's von miller good guy goodacker. Solid at 6.8 wingspan. Fresh out of college. He has a 99 rating according to the song. Yeah, 99 rating. One of the four players in the game with a 99 rating, including fellows like J.J. Watt,

Luke Kukli. You know, you got some solid guys in there. Luke Kukli. Kukli. He's so Kukli. I've been playing it, great game If you like NFL, check it out One of the best Maddens of our generation I was at the grocery store today

And they have one of those red boxes And there was a guy Getting it from the red box But he was looking around like he was ashamed Why? He was like, I don't know It was like a 7 foot tall college kid. Cause there's a college nearby and he was just like looking around.

And then he was like punching in the buttons and then it popped up. I walked by it. It's all pop up. And he was like, give it like, I hope no one sees that I'm playing Madden. It's like of all the video games, sir. Yeah. That is the one that is probably the most socially acceptable to be playing. Yeah.

They're like, like if if you ask any normal person, they're just like, you play FIFA, COD, Madden? That's pretty much, if you say I play video games, the vast majority of people think that's what you're referring to. Either FIFA, Call of Duty, or Madden, like the trifecta. Which is silly, because that's not the case for me at all, but I'll take it, as long as they're like, that makes you a normal person now, not a giant nerd.

Like, alright, cool, whatever. But yeah, he looked around like he was getting that one game where you have to jerk off the controller in order to play it. Like he was just looking around. He's like, I hope no one notices I'm about to get this extremely popular video game. It's the most popular in the country. Yeah, God, I hope no one judges me for this. It was so weird. Maybe it's just a shy guy Maybe

He did have a mask on and he was wearing red So, it's possible Yeah Yeah, no, what, I mean, Olympics Hold on, hold on You were going to the Olympics Now you're changing it? So I went to the Olympics

You went to the Olympics? Yeah I robbed Ryan Lochte We're going to the Olympics and now you're changing it? So I went to the Olympics. You went to the Olympics? Yeah. And I robbed Ryan Lochte when I was there. I got Zika. Not fun. No, I didn't go to the Olympics. But I went downtown Chicago because I was like, I'm going to go downtown Chicago. So we took the train.

And everything was normal. And we got to this one like stoplight there's this homeless man and this homeless man was just smoking a cigarette yeah and his sign was like yo i need food everything helps which is kind of like ironic because he's smoking a cigarette so he obviously spent money on cigarettes instead. But then it was like we stopped there, and then these two other girls stopped, and he's like, hey, hey, spare some money. And everybody ignored him like whatever, okay.

And then he's like, hey, I know you hear me. I know you can hear me. Oh, God. And he's like, hey, you two girls. Yeah. How about you give some money? How about you respect your elders? And then it turned. And then it's rain. That sounds like something you would do.

Rather than stick around, you're like, I can't. This is so awkward. I can't be here. I can't be here. You never know. So, all right. Tell me about the Olympics. You were going to say something about the Olympics.

Oh, yeah, the Olympics. What were you going to say something about the Olympics. Oh, yeah, the Olympics. What were you going to say? I watched them. I'm so glad I waited for that. Yeah, but. Was there anything you saw in the Olympics that you were like, that's cool? Let's see. So, obviously, there's, like, the introduction, right?

The big, like, opening night. Which, by the way I don't remember anything about the opening night Except for the fact that the NBC Programming was terrible Yeah and they delayed it by like an hour Yeah no they delayed it They delayed it I can't even talk today

Yeah they delayed it by an hour And I complained on Twitter about it and some guy was All up my butt about how I was Racist against Brazil I'm like what are you talking about I'm referring to the NBC pre-programming That is terrible I was talking about how the intro was bad

And I didn't give a Crap about the bios they were showing When they Interviewed people there were kids in the background like tapping and stuff and just it was so silly i remember that i was like and i was like get to the actual opening ceremony to see oh it was so bad i couldn't handle it yeah i i had to walk away yeah because i was like oh man you guys seeing these like people in the background like dabbing and they're like, what do you mean?

They're doing the parade. And I'm like, what? What? Yeah, everyone else was, NBC for some reason, was broadcasting garbage. Yeah. An hour of garbage. And then we fought. I like the opening ceremonies.

I think they're pretty cool. I'm a little worried that the internet lost its mind over a man with no shirt on who was oiled up. I mean, that's cool. The one guy, was he from Fiji? Oh, yeah, that guy. Guam? Whatever. Yeah, and then he's all over the news.

Yeah, for days. Yeah. For days. All right, that's cool. That's great and all. We got these world-class athletes. All right, cool. This guy looks like a model, and he Yeah. For days. And it was, all right, that's cool. That's great and all. We got these world-class athletes. All right, cool. This guy looks like a model, and he was oiled up.

Look at this guy. Right? Like, it's such a weird, I guess it's one of those things where men have probably done that forever. Like, yeah, so I saw Kate Upton jiggle her boobies, yeah, and the internet loses its mind. I guess that's, we got a taste of our own medicine as men. But still was a bit excessive i was like oh god i can't i just can't handle this anymore um and then uh and then there was a i can't remember what i watched like it was two weeks of just a blur of me kind of being interested in paying attention and mostly not i watched uh swimming i like the swimming uh and then i watched uh the watch some volleyball volleyball is good

i like i don't like the volleyball where it's like six of them there's too many things going on they're like faking spikes and shit. You like beach volleyball with two people. Great stuff there. Uh-huh. And then there was like the one volleyball thing. It was like China versus Sweden. And the Chinese girls were like, hey, she touched the net. And they were like, we didn't touch the net.

And they're just like, whatever. That was a very quick fight. They gave up on that. Let see swimming volleyball and then I think I watched some gymnastics but I don't really care that much about gymnastics but I was like shit dude they're pretty good at gymnastics I'm trying to I watched I was swimming I watched

archery oh I watched archery too oh shit I watched the finals of archery I don't know if it was a specific type of archery, but I watched the finals, and it was a French dude. Was he French? It was a French dude versus a Korean guy. I can't remember what it was. But it was, God, this sounds so douchey. It was a European dude versus an Asian dude at the end. Yeah. It was a European dude versus an Asian dude at the end And It was so crazy because they were like

Their bows had 15 sights And like They were balancing for wind And then they Still they kept getting 9s and 10s It was incredible It was incredible to watch and it was so close the entire time Yeah like I thought archery was really cool

And then I think that's about it I don't think I watched any other things I watched a lot of the swimming I saw the I tuned in, I think it was on USA Because it was on multiple channels Here in the states

So it was all over the place NBC, NBC Sports, NBC Sportsnet USA Every single possible thing. Even MSNBC had the Olympics on. And so it was on one of the side channels, but it was Water Ballet? Is that what it's called? Whatever it was.

Water Ballet. I don't know what it was, but it was – there's probably a video of it because it was a laugh riot. The performance starts before you even get in the water. Okay. There are literally people dancing on the side of the pool, and then they, like, synchronize swim, jump into the water, and, like, dance together. It was too much. It was too much for me to handle.

I was dying. It was so funny. Yeah, it was water polo. I didn dying. It was so funny. Yeah, this water polo. I didn't see any water polo. I saw a bunch of running events. I don't remember what it was.

It might have been 400, whatever it was. I saw the one where the dude from Canada raced Bolt. Oh yeah, I watched, too. The track. The track. Yeah, and he started running. He started to catch up to him, and he was almost about to beat him.

Then he said, Bolt looks over and smiles and just starts running faster. They both had a moment where they looked at each other, and one realized there's no way out. He looked at him and was like, you're not beating me. It was so funny. Yeah. I can't remember any of it. Like, it's all a weird, this was when I was six, so it's like a weird fever dream of,

I don't remember what was happening, but I remember watching it. Yeah. Yeah, like, I remember some of those things. And then I was like, are the Olympics still going on? Like, no, that ended, like, three days ago. And I'm like, oh, well. The way I knew the Olympics ended was because Overwatch told me. Oh, yeah, that ended like three days ago. And I'm like, oh, well. The way I knew the Olympics ended was because Overwatch told me. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Overwatch was like, we're ending our Olympic event. I was like, oh, all right, Olympics is over. Like, that's always like the Olympics. You get kind of hyped for it. You're like, woo, here we go. Then you watch some things. Then you're like, all right, whatever. Here's the thing.

I'm hyped for Tokyo. Now that I saw the closing ceremony and Mario shows up, I'm like, I'm in. I'm in Tokyo. I guess they're pushing for video games to be in the 2020 Olympics. Yeah, and they're like, we're going all out, like modern. I'm in. I'm in. I want to go to Tokyo to see it.

I would love to do that. It would be so weird. I imagine it will be so weird. That is going to be really cool. And, I'm in. I want to go. You know they're going to have crazy shit like robots. That's what I'm saying! You know the opening ceremony

is literally going to be like, robots are going to come out and dance to the song, and Mario is going to have... It is four years from now. Technology in four years? They're going to have sex bots riding dinosaurs, flying magic carpets. It's going to be crazy. In virtual reality.

In virtual reality. It's going to be crazy. I can't wait. I can't wait. I was looking, and I realized that the next three Olympics are all in Asia. So the next one is in Pyeongchang, which I believe. Pyongyang? Pyeongchang.

Pyeongchang? Which I believe is Korea. Yeah, South Korea. So South Korea. So that's where the Winter Olympics are happening. I was about to say Pyongyang is North Korea, so that'd be a problem. South Korea for the Winter Olympics in two years, then Japan for Tokyo, and then China for the one after that. Here's the thing.

I think there's a reason for this. I believe, if I'm not mistaken, most Western nations are just like, we don't want it. Yeah, that's true. I know Boston was trying to get it, and the people of Boston literally were like, no, we do not want the Olympics here. Yeah, I think it was Chicago and Brazil that tried to get it, and then Brazil got it. And we were like, thank God, I don't have to pay tax money. Right? I think everyone has realized that having the Olympics in your city is a giant pain.

Like, it's not worth it at all. Yeah. And I guess most of the Asian cities involved are like, we want that, please. So all right. I mean, that's cool. Again, I'd go to the Tokyo one. I imagine. I'd go. I would save up a ton of money to fly. Like, if I ever go to Tokyo, I want it to be an all out. I mean, like, fly first class. first class Cause you know that's a flight that's like Even from LA to Tokyo that's a long ass flight

So you gotta fly you're on first class Then best hotel In the city whatever that is I don't know what that is A tour guide a single person Just for you Who's gonna hook you up with all the crazy shit I want a tour guide who's like I know Akihabara I can take you to the place

where the maids rub gel all over your body. And I can take you to the cafe where Pikachu smacks your butt. I want all of it. I want the full experience. And then I want to go to the games and be like, this ain't even as cool as the full experience

and go back. Go on crazy sake tours. Just go nuts. Spend two weeks there and lose it. And then blow a bunch of money and come back and be ridiculously broke. That's how you do it. That is how you do it. That's how you do it. Yeah, you don't go to Vegas.

No, no, no. You go to Akihara. Yeah, and you go get all the weird things. It's like when you're watching Carl Pilkington with the chip eater thing. And he's like, he has little fingers that eat chips for him. That's what I want. I want that experience. I want that too.

I feel like that's the last thing I have for world traveling. That's really the last thing I'd want to see. Japan would be the place, man. Japan. Everywhere else, it's all Americanized. It's all Americanized. Japan is the last bastion of crazy in the world. And I want to go.

Once I saw that, I'd be like, all right, I'm done traveling the world. I've seen it all. I'm with you. I'm with you 100%. All right. You know what else I'm with? What? Jump, jump, jump, jump, the sky, the crendor.

The crendor, how's that traveling out there? Well, you said what else I'm with? What? Jeff, you got myself in the sky with Crendo! Crendo, how's that traffic out there? Uh, well, you said you were with me. You're not actually with me. You're still back in the studio. I'm in the helicopter with you! I'm with you now! Oh, whoa, you are? Okay.

I'm right next to you! Oh, wait, hold on. I'm right next to you, Crendo. I didn't even see you there. It shows you, you know. Oh, that's okay. That's okay. I snuck on board.

I'm not really supposed to be here. Yeah, you know, when you do this for so you just you get used to someone not being there and you look over and it's like whoa you know you're turns out turns out i was there for you the entire time over it's just like that uh that movie uh you know the one with the guy that's there for the other guy uh the bible yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah the bible um anyway looking down at the traffic today we got some crazy stuff going on down there uh nothing traffic's great traffic's flowing and there's nothing crazy i just said that for no reason also john skinner he's down there his car john keep at it keep driving that car all right proud? Proud of you. Back to you. Oh,

wait, you're up here. Hi. Back to you. Yeah, no, I got back here already. Oh, okay, good. Shout out to John Skinner, probably the last person who will get a shout out on this show. Damn, dude, John Skinner. John Skinner lucked out.'s the last one wow that is standing that is i'm gonna give you i'm gonna give you a salute you can't see it but you've been saluted i'm gonna salute you and then we'll go over to the weather desk with crendor how's the weather looking uh weather uh let me tell you something a lot of people were concerned about woppy because they saw the uh the coxconn panel and they were like, was Woppy okay? He got sent back by TSA

for the knife thing. He's fine. I have no proof of life. I have not heard Woppy in forever. This is like when someone kidnaps someone, they're like, let me talk to him. You have not let me... I don't know where Woppy's at. You say Woppy's

fine. I have not heard Woppy at all recently he's right here he's wearing overwatch shades you know those ones from PAX I'm waiting to hear Woppy I do know I do yeah he's wearing those he's got a couple of those on uh he has a couple yeah okay he has two of them on uh-huh you. You know, it is. He's so wild. Yeah, of course. Woppy activated. Hi, Woppy. Hello, Woppy. Five, four, eight, seven, six.

Woppy sounds a little lower than usual. Stone Lake, Wisconsin. This is like that movie where she's like, it's not my son. It's not my son. Dude, this is Woppy. I mean, he did get tweaked a bit. He did get thrown back by the TSA. He's been through a lot.

And, you know, things change a man or a robot. Especially with a robot. Hold on. Stone Lake, Wisconsin. 62 degrees Fahrenheit. Feels like 62 degrees Fahrenheit. High. Low.

53 degrees Fahrenheit. UV index. Zero out of 10. Tonight, partly cloudy. 53 degrees Fahrenheit. 20% chance humidity. Saturday, high. 70 degrees Fahrenheit. 20% chance.

That doesn't sound like WAPI at all. It sounds like an intergalactic warlord and a sci-fi movie. I do not understand humans. They might have messed with them at the airport. They might have. They might have to send them back to WAPO factory. WAPO factory? Yeah, that's where they make the WAPIs.

Of course. That's in South Dakota. Wow. The cost of having a's in South Dakota. Wow. Costs of having a factory in South Dakota, extremely cheap. $6. Yeah. $6 a month. Exactly $6. You sell Wappie units for $45,000. Yeah. I got one

for free. Wow. Why? They just like the show. Oh! So I sent them an email. I was like, hey, guys. Oh, man. And they were like, hey, you know, we'll give you a WAPI unit for free. And I was like, thanks, dude. I wish more people would do that.

Yeah. I know, right? Send us stuff for free. I like free things. That'd be great. If you are a company out there who owns $45,000 equipment and you want to send us one, we'll take it. Yeah. We'll gladly take it, especially if you only pay $6 a month.

Yeah, really? That's no loss to you. You're making a fortune. You're making Trump money. Then you're going to build a firewall, a wall of fire around South Dakota. A literal wall of fire. Sadly, nobody wants to go to South Dakota, so it doesn't matter. Speaking of no one wants to go to South Dakota, let's talk sports.

I don't know what the transition was, but sure. Welcome. Welcome to the sports desk. We did talk about sports a bunch today, though. Did we? That's the Olympics. Jesus. Yeah, Olympics.

Main thing, football started again. You know, real football. American football. Wow. My apologies to the rest of the world. Great stuff's happening. We got preseason games are going on. I've been watching the hard knocks about the Los Angeles Rams.

I have too. Shit, dude. It's a good show. I thought that the Rams would thoroughly suck. No, they're not bad. They're not sucky. They're not great, but they're not sucky. I was convinced they'd be terrible. No, no, no, no, no, no.

They almost made the playoffs a few times. Their thing is, okay, here's being an NFL super analyst. That's what you are. That's me. The Rams are like an 8-8 team, and if they don't get injured,

they can be like 9-7, 10-6, but if they do't get injured they can be like 9-7 10-6 but if they do get injured they can be like 7-9 6-10 it's just it depends and then they have Jeff Fisher coaching him who's like the like known across all football aficionados

right he is the 8-8 coach he is the guy who will get your team to 8-8 I think that says less about the Rams and more about their division. Yeah, but San Francisco is really bad now. They also got Chip Kelly, which is just the worst. I don't know why they did that. And then Seattle is still good, so it's kind of like, ugh.

But then who's the other team in their division? Hold on. It's Seattle, San Francisco, and Arizona. Arizona is also good, so that kind of sucks for them. Well, we'll see what happens. But preseason's going well. It's a lot of fun. And I like football.

American football. And now L.A. is a football town, so everything about this place is a mess now. At least for a few years until people lose interest. They won't. It's LA. They'll keep going. And if people lose interest, they'll buy another team and bring them in. That's true, too.

They'll get the Raiders. I think the Raiders are, I guess, LA. LA. Las Vegas bought the naming rights for Las Vegas Raiders. Yeah, they really want to go to Las Vegas. I mean, if you thought the Raiders were a crazy crowd before, Vegas Raiders? Yeah, they really want to go to Las Vegas. I mean, if you thought the Raiders were a crazy crowd before, Vegas Raiders? Oh, my God.

The field will be covered in blood. It'll be like real Coliseum. Literal Raiders. Yes. It'll be like literal Coliseum battles. Teams will go there, expect them to play football, and end up fighting tigers. The tigers they play will not be from Detroit.

They'll be from Africa and they will eat people. Yeah. Well, the Detroit Tigers are baseball. Oh, Lions. Lions, whatever. No, it will not be. The Detroit Tigers will show up to face off with a football team. That's exactly what happened.

We brought our bats with us. They're going to start swinging bats at football players. I'd pay to watch that. I'd pay to watch that too. The battle of the sports. Like archers versus water polo guys.

That'd be great. We're out of water. We're useless. Dodge these arrows, assholes. That'd be amazing. All right. Crendor, I know usually this is the part where I'm like, what's our big news story of the week? Yeah. But I found three stories this week, actually, that were sent to us.

Oh, shit, dude. By listeners. And I'm going to send you them one after the other. I've seen these. I know what these are. I want you to read these and lose your mind okay all right here we go the first story is thusly a woman drops kick drop kicks kroger cake saying it was ruined what okay

so i've already pictured this in my mind it's amazing all right let's see bloomfield township michigan bloomfield township police are investigating whether a local kroger customer unhappy with her custom birthday cake drop kicked the cake in frustration then stomped on it in front of employees before storming out of the store. The incident happened at about 2pm Saturday when the woman arrived to pick up a Batman vs. Superman birthday cake.

It was already a problem. I'm going for the exact same joke. Everyone gets that that's already a problem. Everybody gets it. So she went to get that yet the woman not named by police was not satisfied with the decoration on the cake so she went behind the bakery counter in an attempt to fix it herself employees who couldn't uh who could not have known what to what was to follow

told the woman she could not be behind the counter and had to step away this only seemed to make her angrier she carried the cake back around to the front of the counter, then drop-kicked it, the Kroger manager told police. The action caused pieces of cake and frosting to be stoned about the bakery section of the store, the news release added. The woman also reportedly stepped on the cake several times and shouted an expletive while yelling,

They bleepin' ruined my seven-year-old's birthday cake. She then left the store quickly, kicking over a wet floor sign on her way out. When police later interviewed the woman, she acknowledged she was upset about the lackluster decoration, which was not as she expected. But she rejected the notion that she drop-kicked the cake and told police it accidentally slipped out of her hand. Investigators are looking into the incident and did not announce any arrests. Kroger says

it does not have any video surveillance. Come on. Police may never know the birthday cake, what it looked like. I just want to take a moment to focus in on the behavior of this woman. If she, I feel like

this is one of those cyclical things in that her kid is probably a giant asshole who would freak out about the cake because the mom is a giant asshole who freaks out about a cake. Exactly.

It's like the loop. They learn it from the parents and they become the parent and the parent is like the loop. It's hilarious to me that they got a Batman versus Superman cake. So already, what I would expect if you go to Kroger to get a cake, you're going to get a Batman logo and a Superman logo on a cake. I don't know what else she expected, let alone why she thought she could then go behind the counter to fix it herself. Here's a perfect example. One time I went to a Kroger years ago when I lived in Ohio, got a cake. I wanted to change something.

On the counter, they were like well here you can use this icing thing and write on it yeah they were like here let me be of help to you sir yeah I don't know why she was like I got this I'm gonna go behind and I start fixing it that's crazy then when they were like ma'am you can't do this her immediate response was to drop kick a cake yeah like you I don't there's so many, like, And then on her way out, she kicks over a, like,

wet floor sign, like, F your wet floor. So she obviously has some anger issues. Obviously. I read that and was like, this is a crazy person. Like, no kid's gonna look

at that and be like, oh, man. And this is what I was saying when I first read this article. The first thing I thought of was, no kid, no kid, doesn't matter who you are, remembers what their 7-year-old birthday cake looked like.

No one. No one remembers when you were 7 what your birthday cake looked like. No one does. Because to you, it's cake that you then eat. You get a crazy sugar high. You're more concerned about the cool presents you got. I don't even remember what cool presents I got for my 7th birthday party, because it doesn't

matter. At all. I get themed cakes, like Spider-Man or something. I was never like, Spider-Man doesn't look right. I was like, oh, cool, Spider-Man. The worst thing that can happen is the kids gather around the cake and are like, ah, that looks weird.

And then they immediately cut into it and eat it and mangle the cake anyway so why are you freaking out lady yeah that's she's probably more concerned about her image of course like other parents or something yeah yeah it's all right well then let's move on to our next story okay she's amazing Okay. Which is amazing. Are you ready for this? Man tries to rob store with sword. Finds clerk also has sword. What the shit? For a few tense, surreal moments Friday night, a Pittsburgh corner store was transformed into something out of Game of Thrones.

That's because a would-be robber tried to hold up the store with a sword, only to discover the clerk also had a sword of his own. It happened this past Friday night at the Perry Market in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Two unknown juveniles ran into the store, one of whom was brandishing a sword or a very large knife. The unknown man holding the sword ran behind the counter to demand cash. That's when the store clerk reached for a blade of his own a full-length scimitar and just of all the sorts just like that battle was joined in the aisles of a pittsburgh corner store for a few seconds anyway

the clerk had a sword so he just removed the sword and attacked him, M.C. Hyder, the brother of the store clerk, told Pittsburgh News. Then when he hit the sword that the dude had in his hand, my brother hit the sword. He ran away. Both would-be robbers booked a hasty retreat in the face of the scimitar-wielding clerk. One of the unidentified robbers tried to grab a handful of shirts, which he promptly dropped upon running into his partner in crime on the way out the door.

I just want to give him a message. Don't try this. You can have money in a better way, not this, said Hyder. Please stay away. Go and find work somewhere. I love that these guys ran in with like a big knife, I assume. Like a big, I don't know, machete or something.

And this dude's like, that's not a knife. This is a knife. He just pulls out a scimitar. It is perfect on every level. It is such an amazing story that they then saw it and ran. They were like, we picked the wrong place to rob. It's just like, I watched the video thing too. The dude's like, he just grabs his scimitar.

And then the guy sees that he has the scimitar. And then he's like, oh, shit. It's perfect. It's absolutely a perfect story. It really is. But there's an even better one. I present to you our final story, my favorite story of the week. Enjoy.

All right. Okay, here it is. Couple claims sexual assault by toy at hibachi restaurant. All right. Hold on. Okay. Go on. This is in uh tennessee it seems a woman's husband said she was sexually assaulted when she was squirted with water from a toy at hibachi restaurant the woman isabel lassiter and her husband jassiter, called the police but refused to file charges when they arrived.

It was a sexual assault on my wife, says James Lassiter on Tuesday. The toy used during the cook show at Wasabi Japanese Steakhouse was made to look like a little boy, and it shoots water when its plastic pants are pulled down. Isabelle Lassiter said she thinks the cooks here showed a little too much of the little guy in the cook's hand it peed on me basically she said wasabi admitted one of the chefs shot some of the water in the face of one of its customers you you hold it aside and water comes out, Johnny Huang, general manager of Wasabi, said.

Isabel and James Lasseter were in town on a job from Texas. They said they were mortified when the chef essentially made the toy urinate water on Isabel. It happened in front of our minor children and grandchildren, James Lasseter said. It really didn't have a wiener, but you get the point grandchildren, James Lasseter said. It really didn't have a wiener, but you get the point. It's about Lasseter said. Just think about what

is happening right now. Like an Asian chef, dude, just cooking at a hibachi grill where they do showmanship and shit has a little tiny guy that squirts water, and when he pulled out his pants, it's a little joke, and he squirted on her, and she lost her shit

yeah like that's what this is about and she's like it scarred our grandchildren no it didn't like they're they're probably laughing they probably thought it was the funny probably this is what I peed on the wall at school please please keep going it could seem better police noted the doll wasn't anatomically correct, but the Lasseters said that didn't matter. Just because somebody cut off a piece of plastic, okay, it's not there anymore, doesn't change the fact that you're getting pee on, James Lasseter said.

Huang said he apologizes to the family and that he's never had any complaints about the toy before. He said chefs will at least ask permission before showing more of the toy boy again. The kids like it, Huang said. They think it's a water gun, kind of like a water gun. That's because it is. It's a stupid joke. Yeah. Oh, my God.

That's got to be some, like, they got to have something that happened to them in their life That makes them freak out about this I think they're just like Everything about this story to me screams like When you think My apologies to Texas But when you think of the more rural parts of Texas And you think of like These people are definitely the ones that think

Trump isn't going far enough And then they go to Tennessee. They probably assume Tennessee is like, that's where the sinners are. So they're going there, and they go to this Japanese restaurant, which to me is probably like, they probably didn't know what they were getting into to begin with. I imagine they were just like, I don't know. I don't take kindly to those ferners, but we'll check it out

because the kids wanted to go. They get there, and then they get peed on by this thing And it's This is an outrage I'm furious This is a complete outrage and I cannot believe This would happen to me in a public Private

There is zero outrage there It is a squirt gun If you go to a hibachi grill Or any steakhouse that does cooking During a If you go to a hibachi grill Or any Steakhouse Like that does Cooking in front of you It's a show The cook is

Like when they flip the shrimp Like When I was a kid They were like Hold out your pocket And you held out Like you have a pocket In your shirt

And they flip the shrimp Into your shirt pocket Yeah It's a greasy piece of shrimp No one give a fuck You put it in your pocket And you eat it Yeah

Yeah it's all about The like The showmanship Of what they're doing. Oh, that's so... Then... I read that story and just was like, furious. I scrolled down to the comments section,

because I always love to see the comments. Most of them are just like, it's a joke, like, chill out. Then there's two people. Marie at the Lake says, Have we lost all knowledge of what is and isn't decent behavior? What would your mother or grandmother think if this happened to her? This was an older woman who did not want to be squirted when she went to a restaurant, especially if it came from under a doll's pants.

It is wholly inappropriate and Americans have lost all sense of dignity. It's... What are you talking about? It's a... Alright, they have an image of this little boy, right? That thing is maybe, like, it's not even that big. It's like, it's a little, there's a little, it's a little figure. Listen, all I'm saying is, Marie at the Lake, screw you. She's the person that watches, like, Dr. Oz and is like,

did you hear Dr. Oz said that if you get peed on by a toy, it lowers your life expectancy by five years? I have to get my raspberry ketones or whatever the hell. I'm telling you, like. I got to get my vitamin Z45 from the store. I don't. I just don't understand why it's, like, it's a little tiny plastic toy. It's not like they dumped water on it.

They squirted her with a little bit of water, and it was part of a show. Yeah. And I guarantee if it had been anybody else, if they squirted anybody else at that table, she would have loved it. But they squirted her, it became like a huge deal of an outrage and of course the the husband was like oh i'm even more outraged for her which is like what are you talking about i can't you're going to a place like that first show like that it's like what do they expect then there's gail oh god right God. Right? Already Gale. And they say, I'm not understanding the reason of the restaurant using this for cooking purposes.

Am I missing something here? Yeah, it's a joke. You idiot. It's a guy entertaining while cooking. It's a person like someone tells a joke. Like, that's not funny. It could offend someone. But that's, you know what you signed.

Like, you're going to an entertainment It's like if you go to medieval times And the horse farts in your direction And you're like oh god that's gross You're going to go see man on horseback Like duel while you eat food So if a horse Like shits in front of you while you eat food

You paid for that experience Yeah If they throw a rose into the audience And it hits you in the face shits in front of you while you eat food, you paid for that experience. Yeah. If they throw a rose into the audience and it hits you in the face, that's what they do. Get better at catching. I just don't. Then there's Dan McDermott. He says the doll's cutoff

anatomy is probably bigger than her husband's so she got upset. Holy shit. There's the internet. I was about to say, where's the internet in this conversation? Dan McDermott brought it back. He showed up and was like, let me bring this back to the internet.

Your husband has a tiny penis. That doesn't have a penis. F you, love the internet. Thanks, Dan, for representing the internet. Thanks, Dan. All right, well, that's it for this episode. We'll be back with another one in the ASAP. And as always...

I got my bell here. Shit, dude. Ding. To be continued..