Cox n' Crendor Show - Episode 126 - Crendor's Coke Dealer

Episode Date: November 23, 2016

The boys return and immediately take a deep dive into Nick Cage movies, learn about Crendor's interesting conversation with a man on a plane, and find out things NOT to do with a wedding ring. All this and more, on this episode of Cox n' Crendor.

Hello everybody, it's time for Ghost on Trend Dog! This is Trend Dog in the morning. In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour recording studios. Recorded! Wake your ass up! It's the next Trend Dog in the morning! It's the next Trendor in the morning! Cox and Crendor in the morning!

Hello everybody, welcome back to another exciting episode of Cox and Crendor in the morning. I had a thing I was going to do at the intro and then I forgot it. And now it's too late. And this is what you did for the intro instead? Yeah. Just as good, in my opinion. Yeah! And this is what you did for the intro instead? Yeah. Just as good, in my opinion. Yeah. Letting people know that you had something awesome planned is just as good as having something awesome planned.

Yeah. It's a lot like my YouTube channel. It would have been awesome, guys, I promise. But this is what you got, so deal with it. Oh, yeah. That's what I was going to say. The last podcast we did. Yeah.

I talked about how we've been doing this for like three years, right? A long time, yes. Turns out it's four years. What? Yeah, I got it wrong. Well, I mean, not in a good way. Not like a good, like, we've been doing this four years. A kid went to high school and graduated in the time we've been doing this podcast.

Damn, dude. I like to think we had influence over that child's life. I do, too. I like to think. Like we raised a young boy or girl. Into a man and a woman. Yep. We did a good job.

Ready to conquer the world. Yes. Yes. As a barbarian warlord, we've raised a young Genghis Khan, and I'm very proud of it. Now they can get over the Great Wall. Yes.

With their dragons or whatever is attacking Matt Damon. Great Wall of Life. Have you seen that movie trailer? Because it is amazing. I did see that movie trailer because it is amazing i did see that movie trailer that was one of the best i think trailers i've ever seen i need i need to go see that movie i want to go see how matt damon defeats the mongolians i assume they're the Mongolians in this movie. I thought it was Osama bin Laden. What?

Isn't it? Oh, wait, that's the other Nick Cage movie. No, what? You had me totally confused. No, no. Matt Damon's movie is... Oh, the Matt Damon movie. Yeah, where he goes...

All the demons are flying around and shit, and they're like... It's an interesting choice to make Mongolians into giant dragon creatures, Yeah, where he goes. All the demons are flying around and shit, and they're like, whoa. It's an interesting choice to make Mongolians into giant dragon creatures, but I'm not against it. I'm not against that interpretation of history. Yeah, let's just take parts of history and just swap it out for crazy stuff. No, the thing you're talking about is the trailer that I showed you for the movie Army of One. Yeah.

Where Nick Cage is a crazy man who thinks God tells him to go kill Osama bin Laden. are talking about is the trailer that i showed you for the movie army of one yeah where nick cage is a crazy man who thinks god tells him to go kill us all bin laden and he does he goes to kill us all bin laden with a samurai sword hell yeah dude and it is the funniest thing i've ever seen and i want to see that movie i I imagine it will be terrible, and I cannot wait. Hell yeah. It's like Nick Cage, but he's acting just weird. He's like, oh, golly gee! Watch out!

They are putting laser beams in your head, and I've got to go kill Osama bin Laden! Normally, he's playing like normal Nick Cage, where he's like, we've got to go find Osama bin Laden. But now he's like, we gotta go find Osama bin Laden. Yeah, he has a voice. Like, he's putting on a voice, which y'all don't even know. He's putting on a voice. He looks like Santa Claus.

It is my absolute favorite thing I've ever seen in the world. We need to make a point to watch this for the next podcast. All right. I agree. I tried to look it up. It is definitely not in theaters right now. I tried to see how much it would cost to watch it online. They want $12.99. It's not even like, yeah, it's not even like $2.99 to rent it. It's $12.

This is a movie that is $12 to rent. This is a movie that is $12 to rent. This is... What? All right, so it's got a 29 on Rotten Tomatoes. Did you take off and fly away? Yeah, I went around looking for movie theaters that are showing it, but I couldn't find any. None, because there are none. Wait, it's on...

You can rent it on Amazon for $6. Oh, okay, I saw it on amazon for six dollars oh okay i saw it on youtube for 12 yeah six dollars on amazon done that's how i'm gonna watch it yep that's how i'm gonna watch it for six dollars on amazon and it will be worth all six dollars oh it will it will it will yeah i feel like i just keep saying it it will will, in fact, be worth $6. I think my favorite part is it's, like, released in theaters November 4th on DVD, November 15th. It's 11 days later. Like, well, yeah, it's run its course. Yeah, I love that it was released in theaters.

What theaters, though? Yeah. Are these the same theaters that show porn still? What theater was this? Probably one hip movie place in L.A. No, not here. I looked it up. Trust me.

There was no place in L.A. that had it. What if Nick Cage had his own movie theater? Cage theaters. Released in theaters. It was just his house technically i live in a theater nick you gotta go home man you gotta go home he's like no i also just saw i was just saying four years but it's three days to the Day, November 19th, 2012, was our first ever podcast. Wow.

That's so long ago. It's like a magical journey. It was. This was a magical journey into the depths of despair and hopelessness. Now, Nick Cage. Speaking of hopelessness and despair. There is a movie worse than this. It has worse ratings. What?

And Nick Cage is, I gotta link this, Men of Courage. Nick Cage is like a Navy captain or admiral. Uh-huh. There's a 9%. How does any movie like this get a 9%? Nick Cage, Tom Sizemore, and Tom Jane star in the harrowing tale of real-life American heroes shipwrecked in shark-infested waters in the waning days of World War II. Yo, is this that story that all these dudes got eaten by sharks? Oh, shit. Is it?

eaten by sharks. Oh shit, is it? I think, isn't there like some infamous story about how these guys, their ship was destroyed and most of the crew escaped into the water, but because there were sharks in the water, most of them were eaten by the sharks. Isn't that like a famous story? I don't know. And it's like guys were like in the water and they saw their friends get pulled down and they were like, oh my god.

Like isn't that, I seem to recall this being a huge story. All I know is Chris Bumbray says, one can't help but be mortified for Cage. A bargain basement would-be World War II epic with hilariously poor CGI and an abysmal script. But, like, is the CGI of sharks eating people? Or is, like, that the end? Like, I don't want to, look, I'd watch this movie, but I'm afraid that I'm going to watch a movie of just sharks eating men and I'm not okay with this. Yeah. I'm not okay with things eating people.

So, that's where I draw the line. Dinosaurs can eat people because they don't exist. But, like, like sharks they could get me I could be in the water they could eat me yes now here's a review for it on Amazon this is a review right here okay do not miss viewing this one very good account this is all caps very good film I personally know sergeant Edgar Harrell USMC indie, and he confirms that this movie is accurately tells the story of the history of the USNS Indianapolis. Indianapolis.

It doesn't mean USS Indianapolis. Yeah, but he typed USNS. Okay, sure. I looked it up and I was like, this doesn't make any sense. sense. Okay, so midway between Guam and Lete Gulf, hit by two torpedoes from a Japanese submarine, the survivors of the 1,196 on board, 900 made it into the water. Shark attacks began with sunrise of the first day and continued until the men were physically removed from the water almost five days later. Damn! Shit, dude.

I do find it funny how this movie as well came out on DVD a month ago, and it just went into theaters five days ago. That would be... They put it on DVD first. That would be exactly every Nick Cage movie ever. Yes. Oh, here we go. Yeah, here's the crazy shit. All right.

So it says here, of those 900 who made it into the water, only 317 made it out alive. Oh, my God. Almost five days of constant shark attack, starvation, terrible thirst, suffering from exposure and wounds. Most of those dudes died. Damn.

Shit, dude. That's horrifying. I don't even want to imagine what that looked like. I don't either. Just like, we're just floating in the water and then people just start vanishing. Like, well, this is the worst. this floating in the water and then people just start vanishing like well this is the worst do you remember that movie with nick cage as a few there's a fugitive chinese prince and his sister enlist the aid of two war weary crusaders um do i remember it i watched it twice what you

watched it twice yes dude i never saw that didn't you watch that with me no get out of town you totally did oh we watched the one where he was like a mob or some shit oh we didn't watch the one where he and and God Hayden Christensen maybe I watched and told you about it oh we talked about it on this podcast yeah but now it says it's on Netflix. Oh, my God.

You need to watch it. You need to watch it. It is a phenomenal film. Yeah, I'm going to watch that. That's a no-doubter. That's a no-doubter. That's a no-brainer right there. That's a no-doubter right there, I tell you what.

Yeah, it's like Gwen Stefani. It's no doubt. Ain't no hollow back, girl. Oh, yeah. So, I talked about this on the Co-Optional Podcast, but I gotta talk about it here. Okay. I need to tell you about Chris and Bruce again. I don't remember this story at all.

I might have been on drugs when you were talking about this. Probably. So, the day after we went to Disneylandneyland yes we had to get our lift back so we got this one guy his name was chris and chris was from uh was it connecticut he's from connecticut he is a mortician scientist and he was studying to be a mortician? No, like he is a mortician or scientist like as his job. But what does that mean? What does that mean?

I don't know, but he's like made great money. Mortician scientist? Mortician or scientist, yeah. Mortician or Mortician or What was he exactly?

Mortuary science. The study of deceased bodies through mortuary work. So he worked at a mortuary? Yeah. So he was like a funeral director, is kind of what you're saying? Yeah. Well, why'd you say no? I was like, is that what he is?

You're like, no, he's a scientist. Well, that's what he called it. I don't know what he actually did i was just like oh cool i'm gonna lift and this guy says he did mortuary science okay uh and then he's like so i was doing that and i have my own hockey thing going so i love hockey and then uh he's like yeah yeah then my wife died and i was like okay and he's like so then i moved to la to just get away from it all you know and i was like yeah yeah he's like so now i just do hockey and drive lift and we're like oh that's cool and he's like now wait how old is this guy probably like mid to late 40s oh all right so

he's not like an old old dude no it's not like an old, old dude. No, he's not like an old guy. He also kind of sounded like Canadian. He had like a Canadian weird accent, like, hey there. All right. Well, for the rest of the story, I'm going to need you to use that accent. All right. So he's more talking like this, you know. I got a friend who plays pinball machines. friend who plays pinball machines yeah his name you know his name's not important but he he has a collection of pinball machines but you know the only type of pinball i machine i the machines i

care about is the ones where a hot broad's playing them that's what he said what yeah he said his friend collects pinball machines but the only kind of pinball machines he likes are the one where a hot broad is playing them hot rod a hot rod playing a hot rod are you sure didn't kill his wife at this point I just want to get to the airport yeah like those pinballs with the hot rods so here he is like time's your flight we were like 10 45 and he's like you know what it's gonna be tricky but we're gonna get you there in uh 20 minutes less so like okay he's like you know what i hate people that tell me that i don't know my way around this city

and i was like oh he's like yeah i got these people coming in my car and they're like hey how about you just follow the gps and i'm like hey i know where i'm going i live here all right all right buddy and he's like oh my god let me tell you about this guy named skyler he's like god i hate skyler's so much you ever meet a skyler she just fought the guy who had a beef with a guy named skylar i guess so he's like back in connecticut and the east coast everywhere i've been i've never met a skylar then i moved to this city there's skylers everywhere this guy there's a skylar the other day He brought his surfboard To my car and he's like hey bro

Can I put my surfboard on top of your car And I'm like no you can't Skyler and he was like Aw man I'll get another Lift then and I was like god I hate Skyler And then he's like I got another Skyler and he had

A pet dog he brings everywhere And I'm like oh are you liking the service Are you blind you need your dog He's like no I'm just part of this new program Where I'm just lonely so I bring my dog everywhere And I was like that's so stupid Here's the thing I'm not gonna lie

That's how I imagine Skyler's to be Like if someone said Imagine a person named Skyler. Yeah. That I would say they have a dog, a support dog. Yeah. A surfboard. Yeah. And live in LA.

Those would be the three things I would definitely include in. Oh, and most likely blonde. Yeah. Definitely blonde Blonde Like very attractive Blonde hair Like too attractive Like he definitely

Like Washes Rinses Repeats He's definitely that guy Like he is Flawlessly Like he's a very attractive

Young man But also A total douche bag That's how I imagine Skylar I don't think I've ever met a fat Skyler I don't think there's such a thing there's never been a fat Skyler never in the history of mankind

never so he went on his Skyler rant I was like oh that's cool and then he was like you know what else I hate everybody in this city is just dumb that's not wrong either this guy sounds totally right And then he was like, you know what else I hate? Everybody in this city is just dumb. That's not wrong either. This guy sounds totally right.

I'm with him. I'm with you, dude. And he was just like, they call all the street signs like the 405, the 505, the 552. He was like, how about we just say 405 to 54 to whatever. Like he had a problem with them putting the in front of the highway number. He has another big beef. And so I was like, I bet Skyler did that. And he's like, yeah, I bet he did. Fucking Skyler.

And so then he talked about his girlfriend. He's like, yeah, I met my girlfriend out here and she's a total babe. And she makes cookies, but she's one of the L.A. people. So like she's a bit dumb. He's like, she just doesn't think sometimes, you know? Like this dude was straight out of like Canadian Wayne's World. I wish I was in the car with you I would have loved to talk to this guy

He sounds like we could have been great friends And not that I would just use him for laughter But I would have I would have used him for the laughs Wherever you're at Mortuary science man Know that I love you

So That was Chris Great guy Wherever you're at, mortuary science man, know that I love you. So that was Chris. Great guy. Then we got out of the lift. We got to the airport. We're like, all right, don't have to talk to anyone anymore. Then we get on the plane. And on the plane, there's a guy sitting next to me who is, like, in his probably mid to late 50s. And a very large man he's almost like danny devito without facial hair get out why do you have the best life i would have loved to sit

next to that guy imagine danny devito no facial hair and like bald that was this guy go on we're sitting there do you think Danny DeVito has facial hair I thought he did no no oh yeah no he doesn't all right imagine Danny DeVito just bald just Danny DeVito just bald but Danny DeVito is bald no he's got like hair in the back of his head so does Danny DeVito no I'm saying Danny DeVito of his head. Like are you sure you weren't just sitting next to... So does Danny DeVito! No, I'm saying Danny DeVito does. This guy didn't. Are you sure this guy wasn't just Danny DeVito? Are you sure you weren't just sitting next to Danny DeVito? I may have been sitting next to one of his relatives.

Is there a possibility that you were just sitting next to Danny DeVito? I'm telling you, this guy could pass as Danny DeVito's brother. Okay. So, sitting next to him, and virgin america lady comes on the speaker thing she's like hello everyone and welcome to flight two more boards from la to chicago today we will be and he just turns to me and he's he said is this bitch high and i was like wait wait wait wait wait all she did was announce where you guys were going yeah but she was like kind of saying like hello everyone she was trying to be calm yeah i was like yeah she's probably trying to be calming. I was like, yeah, she's probably trying to be calming.

And he's like, she sounds like she's one of those, like, strippers, you know? And I was like, uh, yeah. And he's just like, yeah. So, uh, you know what I'm talking about. What do they call those girls? What do they name? Like, uh, like, what's his stripper name and i was like uh diamond jade and he's like diamond jade diamond jade that's her name

and i was like i just want to watch espn and not talk to anyone for four hours and be home and now this guy's talking to me and so i'm like yeah yeah and he's like my name's bruce good to meet you uh so i'm going to you know he's like i've lived in west la i've lived in all parts of la my whole life west california and you know i'm going to chicago because my mom lived there she died and uh you know i'm going to a because my mom lived there. She died. And, you know, I'm going to a funeral there. And then I'm also doing a business deal. So I was like, all right. Yeah.

Cool. And then he's like, I sell coffee trucks. What? Wait, what? He sells coffee trucks. Pause. Food trucks. Okay.

But coffee. Yeah. He sells coffee trucks. Pause. Like food trucks. What? Okay. But coffee. Yeah, but I always assumed that food trucks were sort of like a chef and some friends got together and bought a truck and then made it. Like, I didn't think that there was just a guy who goes around selling coffee. You meet the most interesting people. So. He is like, yeah, so we go to like various places in Hollywood. The actors and everyone need coffee.

They set up shop and they make money. And that's what they do. So I was like, oh, that's really cool. How'd you get into that? And he's like, long story. I'm like, well, we got four hours on a plane and you're just talking to me. So I might as well listen. And he's like so

i used to deal coke that did not go the way i thought it was gonna go so i was just like, all right, this is going to be an interesting plane ride. So he's like, yeah, I used to deal coke back when I was younger, your age. And he's like, speaking of which, I used to sell coke to a doctor that looked like you. And I was like, okay. And he's like, yeah, he had to study late at night. He had to stay up late. So he just sold him coke. And I don't think he does it anymore, but he's like, yeah, he had to study late at night. He had to stay up late, so he just sold him Coke.

And I don't think he does it anymore, but he's a doctor now. He's like, yeah, he looks just like you. So here's what he said. He used to deal Coke in West LA, and then he was one of the biggest Coke dealers in the whole city. I don't know. I imagine that's a cartel boss somewhere. I don't know that that is this guy.

So he's like, this is apparently back in the late 70s, early 80s. Uh-huh, okay. He did that. He's like, I could get any women. I could go anywhere I want. But he's like, let me tell you something. That life, it's a dangerous life. A lot of liars.

A lot of people that aren't afraid to take you out for lying. And a lot of people that are trying to find themselves that haven't found themselves yet. And that's what I was. And I was like, when did you find yourself why would you i would have just turned and looked at my screen like well that is a good story best part was i still had my earphones in and he's like you're gonna keep those earbuds in and i was like i guess not Wait, so what did he say? So he said he found himself when he met his wife. And his wife introduced him to God and helped him get clean. And he's been clean for 27 years or something.

And he's like, so funny story about my coffee business. It used to be a front for my drug business. So he had like a car detail shop and he would sell his drugs there and he had it so he like started getting actual people coming in so he hired some people to actually do detailing in cars and stuff and then after he stopped doing drugs he was like you know what i'll just turn this place into a real car detail thing and he did that and then after a while he found coffee truck or just food trucks and he's like what if i sold coffee out of them

and then he just started a giant coffee truck business i i just need to ask a question. All right. Do you think, in the back of his mind, he ever considered that you would be talking about this on a podcast? Not at all. Because I wonder if right now there isn't some federal authority listening that's like, Oh, was that big Bruce Borkowski, the leader of the West Coast blood gang? He truly was a kingpin. Yeah, there's like, we finally found him. He's in Chicago.

I mean, he's back in L.A. now, so you're fine. Oh, well, all right. So, yeah, Bruce did all that. And he's like, one thing I learned from all this stuff is you don't trust a liar and that's why I'm not voting Hillary Clinton well he should be happy then yep so he said that

and then he went on to talk about his family so he's like I got a son he's your age he loves video games he likes that one that just came out and I was like Call of Duty and he's like yeah he says it's not that good it was like okay cool he's like got a daughter she's great she took all my looks can you tell and then he elbowed me like one of those like old like great uncle

elbows where they're like you know what i'm saying just like do that yeah he did that like every 10 minutes he'd be like she took all my looks that's why i'm fat and bald i was like right uh and then they brought our drinks and he's like hey we'll get some shots and i was like what he's like i just kidding And then he elbowed me again I'd like to imagine this guy definitely still does drugs and deals drugs Oh, yeah I like to think that, too Yeah, I don't like the version of his story where he

I like the idea that out of those coffee trucks he still sells drugs Yeah And he was trying to hint at you the entire time You know what I'm saying? As he keeps elbowing you He's like, yeah, at you the entire time you know what I'm saying is he keeps elbowing you he's like yeah I found God if you know what I'm saying so then he showed us his daughter he's like it's my daughter she goes to college she's she was bulimic

but she fought through it I was like all right and then uh and then he showed us his house he has a swimming pool it was like a million dollar house in la coffee truck business paying off apparently of course he does of course he has that and then uh then he knows it's better than he just ranted about business stuff. And then he's like, do you know where this place is in Chicago? I'm like, no. And he's like, ah, I gotta Google it then. He was going to rely on you.

I know. He's like, look, if you know your way around, hop in my coffee truck. You help me do some drugs around here and then he's like where's the rental car place I'm like I don't know I live here so I don't rent a car and he's like ah damn that was also upsetting to him and follow you off the plane he's like no well he did follow us off the plane and then was like, good talking to you. And then he shook our hands and left. Oh, well, that's, I mean, I am mad that you didn't follow through on this story.

Yeah. Because in my mind, it is nothing but a fun adventure that you guys would have gone on. I agree. That would have been a fun adventure that you guys would have gone on. I agree. That would have been a fun adventure. Like a fun little Crendor's family vacation where you would have gone with this guy and you would have gotten into all sorts of fun trouble, but not like trouble trouble,

but maybe the police would get involved in trouble, but they'd be like, ah, we're just going to give you a slap on the wrist this time. And he'd be like, see, I told you. They do coke too. I know everybody does coke. Everybody does coke. Yeah.

Yeah, that was one day. All right, well, if that is enough Crendor story time, I think we should go to Chapter Copter 7, the Sky of the Crendor. Crendor, how's that traveling out there? Chapter Copter is getting a little cold because it's getting colder outside. Uh, but there's still traffic. Traffic does not stop. I tell you what, unless there's a zombie apocalypse or something, then it would probably stop.

But luckily, it is not yet. So, uh, looks like the 303 is going to be backed up to the 405 to the 505 to the 605 to the 705 the 805 looks like it'll be clear for another two minutes so if you are listening take that detour uh and then the 905 that's just always backed up uh anyway uh if you also look down there you will see a man running around on a beach with a chainsaw. And it looks like he is fighting zombies. So that is not good. The zombie apocalypse has started.

Get into your houses, board them up, and hopefully someone finds Akira back to you. I'd just like to point out that after that, the first dude you met in the car has driven off the road. You said the 405 to the 1. You said that. You said the so many times. He ran people. He ran off the road. He definitely did.

Into a farmer's market. That is in the zombie apocalypse. That is people fleeing his wrath as he drives down the Venice boardwalk. Running down the sky. Oh, God. It's horrifying. Yeah. Yeah.

He's done. He's done. He's like, mortuary science never prepared me for this weather what's happening in weather weather let's kick it over to the main man robot lappy Bobby activated seven one two four three Fort necessity Necessity, Louisiana. 64 degrees. Clear. Feels like 64 degrees. Fahrenheit.

High. 48 degrees. Low. 48 degrees. UV index. Zero of 10. What happened there? He had a hiccup.

Tonight, 48 degrees. 10% humidity. Thursday, high. 82 degrees. 0% chance precipitation. Woppy, is Fort Necessity a fort? Woppy is not Google. I'm just curious.

He's off. He's almost back to normal oh so close so very close that England trip really messed him up what happening with sports sports welcome to sports desk we have some crazy stuff so since the last time we we saw all the things. Oh, is this? Hold on. Let me go fall asleep for an hour while you talk about the Cubs. Cubs have won the World Series. Hell is frozen over. The end of the world is near.

Zombie apocalypse is happening. We can all die happy. I mean. The Cubs won the World Series. Not Cleveland fans. Well, they won basketball. It's fine. They already died happy.

The fans who were in the audience, zombies. Yeah, there you go. And so that's all happening. And now it's just it's all kicking over to hockey and basketball. We're in the hockey basketball land and Cleveland's still doing well. They're 9-1 The random Chicago Bulls are 7-4 What do you mean the random Chicago Bulls?

Well, because they got rid of like half their team And they added more people They found people on the street Like, do you want to be on the Bulls? Could I wear Jordan's jersey? Well, luckily one of them was Dwayne Wade So that helped a lot One of those random people One of the random people they found on the street one of them was Dwayne Wade, so that helped a lot for them to be good. One of those random people

One of the random people they found on the street just happened to be Dwayne Wade. Yeah, so Bulls are actually doing well and then Derrick Rose and Noah went to the Knicks and they're doing badly. Which I knew would happen because they're not good and they get injured a lot. I was like, thank God. So now the Bulls are at least

somewhat watchable. And then hockey. Yeah, some crazy stuff going on. the new york rangers in first place and the montreal canadians uh and then in the west yet the black hawks and the anaheim ducks uh all up at the top of that list looks like the kings are not doing that great they're okay ducks they fly together quack quack yeah the ducks fly together uh and that's uh that's hockey and the sports awesome all right what is our big news story of the day uh here's some aspiring weatherman started forest fire to get facebook views that sounds like something a weatherman would do.

I don't trust weathermen. I never have and I never will. Ninja caught on camera stealing katana sword. Oh, not only is he so bad of a ninja that he doesn't even have a katana, he also got caught trying to get the katana. Aw, poor ninja. Let's see. Then there's

doctors remove wedding ring from man's penis. I'm sorry, what? Yeah, removed a wedding ring from his penis. There's a lot of questions I have. Just a lot. How big is this man's fingers to begin with?

I know what's going to happen. Crendo, I know what's going to happen. It's going to be one of those stories where we read it, and by the end of it, I'm going to still have just as many questions, and none of them will be answered because no one writes the news anymore. No one does their job. No one does a good job reporting the true facts that we need to know. Yeah.

does a good job reporting the true facts that we need to know. Yeah. 28-year-old South African man endured a rare case of penile strangulation after squeezing his wedding ring around his sex organ for erotic reasons. The unnamed man... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Right.

For erotic reasons? Yeah, erotic reasons. I would like to know. I'd like to know the situation where you do it for non-erotic reasons. Yeah. Normally you do it for non-erotic reasons. Like this one. I just, I had to pee really badly

I didn't think I was going to make it So I tied it off with my wedding ring Hopefully it'll work What is the non-erotic What is the non-erotic reason For that situation God damn it I'm just saying

You feel like it would all be erotic It doesn't matter what you're doing with it. If you're sticking a wedding ring on your dick, it's automatically erotic. The scenario of you sticking a wedding ring, the symbolism of it, automatically erotic. Automatically. There is no situation where you're just like, man, my wiener itched so badly that I scratched it with my wedding ring and it got stuck. Or there's not like, I want to see how big my fingers were, so I sized it up against my dick. There's no non-erotic situation.

Well, he says he is using it as a penis ring. Of course. To heighten sexual response, but the ring caused the man's penis to swell up so much he was unable to remove it. How big are this man's fingers? These are things I need to know. Because this is either the most impressive story ever or the most

embarrassing for this guy. Either we're about to learn something incredibly embarrassing about this man or his fingers are huge and it's an incredibly impressive story. Yeah, I agree with that. That's gotta be... I don't even know. Why is no one

doing the deep dive that we need for this article? We need finger pictures. We need pictures of this man's fingers. When the patient's mother brought him into the hospital, his penis was erect and blue. Wait! Wait! Pause! The patient's mother brought him into the hospital, his penis was erect and blue. Wait, wait, pause.

Right. The patient's mother? Yeah. Where's the patient's wife? Probably like, why would you put our wedding ring on there? I imagine if he did it for erotic purposes, she might be involved. That's true. What the, what? This involved. That's true. What? This story has so many layers.

Oh, my God. Why is the mom there? Out of all the people he could have gone to, he's like, Mom, I got my wedding ring stuck on my wiener. Oh, son, not this again. Come on. We'll get you to the hospital. Oh, no. Or this could be an incredibly sad story in that he

divorced his wife, and the only way that he can get off anymore is by using the wedding ring, and he lives with his mom! Oh, no! The story just took a really sad turn. Well, it just says the patient was given antibiotics. Oh, wait. The doctors eventually made multiple puncture aspirations with a

syringe and a pink needle to reduce swelling. Patient was given antibiotics and pain killers. Oh, my God. It takes more than a few punctures to get rid of my swelling. If you know what I'm saying, elbow jab. Bruce and I would have got along. Bruce and I would have got along. It takes more than just punctures to get rid of my swelling, right, Bruce? Hey,

let's go do some coke in the back of my car. Classic Bruce, dude. Classic Bruce. That guy knows a thing or two about coke. There's no good, like, other news stories. I think that's the best story we can do. I think there's's I don't think we need to do another story. Yeah. I think that nailed it. Yeah, I think that's pretty good. I mean, I want to check Yahoo News just because that's what we did

like four years ago, but Yahoo News has gotten way too serious about their news. Oh, that's bullshit. What's the silliest thing on Yahoo News right now? It's all just dumb, that's bullshit. What's the silliest thing on Yahoo News right now? It's all just dumb, like, serious news things. Like, seven things that trigger Alzheimer's disease. Like, no. I want to see, like, seven things about the McRib.

We already did that, though. We've already been down that path. I know that, but I want to see more of those from Yahoo. That's what I expect. I just want more articles about McRibs. I feel like there are not enough news sites dedicated to the McRib, which is back now

by the way. I was driving past McDonald's and saw the McRib in the window and was like, it has begun. So that means there's only one thing you need to do. Everyone needs to go out and get a McCox and Crandor. Yeah, you gotta go get a McCox and Crandor. Yeah, you got to go get a McCox and Crandor. You got to go.

What was it again? The McRib and then the jalapeno McChicken? Yeah, no, jalapeno cheeseburger inside the McRib. Or the McRib was inside the... You can decide if it's a Cox and Crandor or a Crandor and Cox. Yeah, it's just depending on... You can decide which one of us is the McRib and which one of us is the jalapeno burger. I'll let you decide.

Yeah, Yahoo News sucks now. That's all I got. All right, well, there you go. That's it. Thank you so much for listening. We'll be back with another episode soon. And as always, to be continued.