Cox n' Crendor Show - Episode 132 - Someone To Talk To

Episode Date: April 11, 2017

The boys are back and Crendor has a beef with retail shopping. Meanwhile Jesse discovers that deep down inside he's just very lonely. Also the boys become obsessed with a strange town in the middle of nowhere with a great name. All this and more on this episode of Cox n' Crendor.

Hello everybody, it's time for Cox and Crendor in the morning. In the morning. Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live. In 4 hour recording studio. Recording. Wake your ass up, it's Cox and Crendor in the morning. Cox and Crendor in the morning. Hello everybody, welcome back to Cox and Crandor in the morning. How are you doing, everyone out there?

Are you having a good day? We're just going to wait for them to respond. I was going to answer it, and then I realized you didn't ask me. Yeah, no, out there, not you. I know you always have a good day, though. You never have, like, a bad day. Yeah. I don't think I've ever had a bad day.

You never have a bad day. I've never had a bad day except for those couple of bad days. I strive not to have bad days, and they are thrust upon me. I'm like, I'm going to be good, and I'm going to do it. Today's the day, and then it's just like, get shit on, Jesse. That happens to me. That's my life, where I'm like, today's going to be good and I'm going to do it. Today's the day. And then it's just like, get shit on, Jesse. That happens to me. That's my life where I'm like, today's going to be great. I wake up every day like, today's going to be a good day.

Can't wait to see what happens. And the world's like, get effed, bro. And then I go to sleep and I wake up the next day and I'm like, ready to go. You have to go the route of neutrality. I can't go the route of neutrality. I can't go the route of neutrality. I am a passionate person. You are a passionate person. Unlike you, you control it all inside.

You're the guy who 10 years from now I'm going to have to be on the news and be like, he was so quiet. He kept everything to himself. He was so quiet. And I can't believe he killed that entire senior living center i just don't know why he did that i'm gonna have to go on the news for you in a few years i'm very aware of this all right when you're a neutral person all right i don't really get bothered by many things i never really get angry i just i get i get frustrated and if i get frustrated

i then try to get rid of those frustration-causing things to get back to a neutral state. That's it. Oh. Well, I am Irish, so... I just rage, and then I'm good. Like, it's a weird thing where I can be like, and then I'm like, cool, alright, so what's up?

Like, it's like salt. Where for the brief moment in a game, I'm like, FUCK! And then it's over. I'm like, fuck, and then it's over. I'm like, all right, well, I'm fine now. People are like, oh, you're so mad. I'm like, I'm not mad. I just have to exert the rage. I have to vent.

I'm like a cooling system. And then I vent, and I'm cool. Well, I'm part, I'm like half German, and I'm like Polish and Yugoslavian. So, like, I just just i don't know i have farms i have farms that drink beer and uh you're just you're just a cooler dude you're just a cooler dude you're more chill than everyone else i know you're just like yeah whatever bro start a couple world wars i don't know again again this goes back to what I previously said There's something deep in there

I don't know what it is There's something deep in your soul, man That I'm gonna have to be on the news in a few years Just like, yeah, no, he was so quiet He kept to himself And he liked to play video games I don't know what happened to him And then one day he just broke into that TJ Maxx

And killed everyone Dude, TJ Maxx sucks I know, see, there it is That's the impetus Oh god, don't go to TJ Maxx and killed everyone. Dude, TJ Maxx sucks. I know. See, there it is. That's the impetus. Oh, God, don't go to TJ Maxx, guys. Crendor is going there. I got a story, all right?

Okay. So for Christmas, we got stuff from TJ Maxx, and I didn't want it, so I returned it. So I had like $20 for TJ Maxx or something, right? Go there. It's just like a weird, like shit's thrown around everywhere. And they're like, we got great brands here. You just got to find them.

It's like, I don't want to find anything. I guess it's not like a treasure hunt. I guess some people probably find it like that. I'm trying to remember the name of the other. There's another, Marshall's, is that it? Yeah, there's TJ Maxx, Marshall's, and like HomeGoods. Oh, Big Lots is another one. All those stores where it's like, we got random shit.

It's super cheap. So if you want to get it, you can buy it. It's like Forever 21 is like that. Sometimes I feel like people buy things for the sake of just buying them rather than needing things. Like if you were like, I got to dig through things to find stuff, find the deals. You're just buying the pie like that's a problem there's like that's a great deal i need it you don't like do you think think very clearly do you need that i'm just putting it out there we need to

start a stop spending your damn money on stupid shit i don't know club or some type of promotion or like hey gang you don't need to just buy useless garbage because you can that's a marketing gimmick they do too or a marketing like strategy where like they purposely like raise the price a bit and then they put it on sale so it's like a normal price kohl's does i will never understand it i'll never understand it i don't get it either it's just maybe we're just maybe we're jaded here the thing. That very well could be the case. We could be those jaded assholes who think everyone else should think like us, but I'm letting you know you should think like us. Yeah, exactly.

I'm just saying there's no reason – if you need some stuff, all right, it's cool to go and buy things on the cheap. Like that's fine. Yeah. But 99% of the time when people are out buying stuff on the cheap, it's because they're just looking to buy stuff on the cheap. It's the concept. Yeah. I got this.

I got a deal on this. Yeah, but how many cardigans do you need? Right? Yeah. Like, how many penny loafers can you fit in your closet? I have, like, some sweatpants, some Some shirts And I'm good That's all I need I just don't I will never understand

I will never understand All I know is I love stores but I don't like stores I don't like for like buying purposes I don't like the store I like it because of the atmosphere Which is why I started going to Ikea so many years ago So like

I will say right in acknowledging that you do that. But not in that I understand. I will affirm that. But not that I understand it. A lot of it is just like. It could be anything. It could be like the smell. I love store smells.

Container store. Top tier. That's a top tier smell in there. You walk in. You smell the container store. You already feel productive at that point. That's just. That's a top tier smell in there you walk in you smell the container store you already feel productive at that point That's just that's just I

That's just the smell of plastic fumes which are probably cancerous which like what you're smelling is not production But you're smelling is the slow decay of your body. Well. You know what it smells good uh Then Ikea Ikea you walk in it smells like cinnamon rolls, right? And then you walk around. I wouldn't know. I've never been in Ikea. Not once. That's right.

I've never been inside one. It smells like cinnamon rolls because they're baking cinnamon rolls. Then you go up, and then you get this experience of going to just a giant hotel almost, but you can't stay in any of the rooms. You only stay in them for like 10 minutes tops then you gotta keep moving so you go into a room the room becomes yours nobody can go into that room unless they're rude and then you sit there and you're like wow this is nice there's rooms that you can make sure other people don't go in well like here's the thing right all right

so it's like a it's like a display area of rooms you know how if you go in a furniture store, they have different little areas set up? Right. It's like that, but they section them off. And if you go into it and you just sit down and chill there, usually nobody goes in there when you're in there. Because they're like, somebody else is there. They're looking at that room. But some people just barge in and they're just like, eh. Oh, so it's an unwritten rule.

Yeah, it's an unwritten rule. Yeah, it's an unwritten rule. I thought there was like, if someone's in the room, don't go in the room. There's like a little hanger you stick on a room. No, no, no. Privacy, please. No, no, no. But that's the other good thing is they don't bother you.

If you go into any other furniture store, they're just like, Hey, I'm going to help you because I got to make a commission. There's none of that because you do it all yourself. I love it. Great stuff. Office Max is another all yourself. I love it. Great stuff. Office Max is another good store. Great smells there. Office Max?

Here's the thing. I've went into some Office Maxes. They smell great. Other Office Maxes, not the same. Never went back to those. You know what? I'm not going to give you any crap. I've been reflecting on what you've been saying.

Because I think I understand that level of comfort that you have there Yeah I have that but I have it with Like tech support people Or Maybe I'm just very lonely Maybe that's the problem Maybe I'm just so very lonely

Because You just go to your internet tech support and like start talking to them. I swear to God, like people will call me and be like, sir, hi, we're interested in if you would like to purchase this magazine or whatever. And I'll sit there and I'll be like, oh, go on, do tell. And just listen to them talk. And then at the end, of I'll be like no thank you I'm not interested this time and I'll hang up But like I'll let them do their whole spiel

Because I kind of feel like They bothered to call me I should let them do it And I'll just sit there very politely And listen and be like You have a nice voice And then like I will go to Department stores or whatever And someone will try to help me

and i will love it when they do because then they'll just be talking to me about random garbage and i'll just be like huh yeah what else do you have what else is going on and it's i think this dates back to the fact that when i was in high school i had tutors because i sucked at math and science i was terrible so i i had tutors and I would literally go to their houses and just listen to them, but not actually listen to them. I think they were my first ASMR. Probably. I would listen to them talk, and I would just zone out and be like, mm-hmm. Yeah.

One of them was a very old lady. Didn't matter. I was just like, she's like, okay. Like everything smelled like cigar smoke in her house. It was awful. But it doesn't matter. Was she smoking cigars? I think it was her husband.

Oh, okay. She just like comes in and then she like lights up a cigar like, yeah, I'm going to teach you that math today. And so she would come in and she would like talk to me about math. I can't even describe what happened because I never paid attention. My parents I know are listening right now

and they're like, well that explains the waste of money, Jesse. I had a tutor for math and science as well. And I remember she was like, your handwriting's terrible.

And so she would like try to teach me how to do better handwriting. But I could never do it. Because she'd be like, alright, there you go. You did it like that and i'm like that's dumb and then i would just like revert back to my other way and she's like well you just do it that way and i'm like it's harder so i didn't do it it was so weird yeah i would just sit there and listen to her and then this other lady uh actually all my tutors were women that's pretty much it might have set

me down the path of just like, talk to me. Look, that might, that might be, can voices be a fetish? Is that a thing? Yeah. There's plenty of them on the ASMR thing. I just like people talking, but like, you know, I think it's, I think it's like real calming and stuff. I guess fetish is the wrong word to use.

Oh yeah. Keep talking. Yeah. Keep talking. But you know, like, uh, like coffee use. Yeah, keep talking. Yeah, keep talking. But, you know, like... It's like coffee shop noise almost. Yes! Yeah, like that background noise where it's like people are doing things, but they're not focused on you.

Well, in your case, they were kind of focused on you. I think maybe that's the fetish part then. I need them to be focused on me. I want them to talk to... You know what it sounds like? Again, I am the loneliest person on the planet is what it sounds like. That's exactly what it sounds like because I'm just like – I go to people to talk to me. I'm like, please talk to me.

I don't know. I just – I find it weird. I cannot judge your weirdness with Ikea because my weirdness just is weird. That's true. This just happened recently. My credit card got hacked or whatever. And someone tried to buy $300

worth of stuff at a hardware store. And I was like, I know that's not me. By the way, hardware stores, great smells. Continue. I called up the credit card company. It was like, that's not me. I don't know what's going on. They're like, don't worry, sir. We'll fix that that for you right away and i sat there and just listened to this

person talk he's like uh while we're have you on the line could we interest you in some other services i was like what other services do you have and i just sat there listening to this guy as i zoned out from the world he's just talking to me and i was like no not really and he's like okay thank you so much for your time, sir Click, and I was like That was nice, that was a nice conversation It might be some like It might be some weird control thing too Where you're like, I can make them talk to me

It very well could be I don't know I never have conversations anymore Because everyone just wants to text No one ever wants to talk with me And I love talking to people And I'm just like, man, would it be nice if someone talked to me again? Single tier is what I'm saying.

That's probably why we're doing so many of these recently. You start calling up your internet company. You're just like, I got an issue. And they're just like, what's your issue? And it's like, the internet's slow. And they're just like, well, we'll run some tests. And you're like, yeah, run those tests. Thank you for that. How long will it take it take it's like uh maybe 15 minutes can it

take 20 yeah that's that's i feel like we learned something today um not sure we did oh yeah yeah i went to the mall so i love the mall the The mall is like the best people-watching you can do. It is. We've had our fair share of people-watch stories at the mall. That's where we saw the goober guy. We saw the goober guy. We saw the meatball sub. Oh, the goober guys.

We saw the, like, meatball sub is pretty close, though. Yeah, but the goober guys, they made up a word. They made up a word. There's that one girl who was like almost it's like her and her mom crying about something there were the two the two uh asian ladies who we couldn't tell who the mom and the daughter was like 50 but she was like 13 the other one looked 13 but she was like 50 it was we were like i don't know who's who it was crazy yeah man the mall's great mall's great So I was at the mall today.

I was like, it's Sunday. I want to people watch. So I go to people watch. I was not disappointed at all. So there's this one girl, probably like 19. She had like four kids already. And she was like letting them parent themselves. Like the kid, she's just walking like on her phone.

And the four kids were like in a world of their own. The one was like pushing a stroller with the other kid in it. The other one was pushing the other kid around, and then the kid drove the stroller into the wall. And then she's like, hey, stop doing that. And then he's like, oh. He drove the stroller into another wall, and then the kid started crying. I have so many. Four kids?

That would have to be four kids at 19. That would have to be a back-to-back. Like, that's too young. That's a doubleheader. That's too young. I couldn't. Like, I'm not going to. Someone get me up in your schools to talk about sex ed.

Let's, like, wrap it up. Wrap it up, gang. Maybe she was 20. Put a condom on your willy. Wrap it up. Maybe she was 20, but, like, I don't think she could drink yet. Even at 20, wrap it up. You got your whole life ahead of you.

Wrap it up. I don't even want kids, and I'm almost 30. Put a rubber on your lubber. Rubber the lubber. Rubber that lubber, y'all. That's a tombstone quote. That was one person. Another one just like this little kid he was like six or something he was just like break dancing in the middle of the floor it's by the microsoft

store and they have like this big thing where like you can play dance dance revolution or some shit and he wasn't even playing he was just break dancing and then right next to him were these like three guys that were trying to play it and they looked like the type of guys that would either go clubbing or go to a club to dj or both and like that's all they did with their lives or come to the mall to play dance dance revolution was the kid dancing or was he just like what was he doing i think he was dancing to the music but he wasn't like playing the game years old you said yeah he was six years old man i said? Yeah, he's six years old. Man, first off, in my mind, I'm picturing him being amazing. Second off, the music that's playing is the it was like Shakira. That's even better. This ham's not live.

What the hell? And then, oh my god. So I walked past that store. It was like Claire's or some shit. One of those types of stores. And there was this guy wearing a Cubs jersey. And he was there with like these three girls. And his Cubs jersey has like the there with like these three girls and his Cubs jersey

was, where it has like the name part, it said sexy and he was number 69 and he was getting his ear pierced. And I was like... Yeah, that guy has never once seen a vagina. Not once. He doesn't

know, he doesn't know what that is. He doesn't know how it works he just he just assumes one day all this work's gonna pay off he's just like once i get that he appeared i put on my jersey ladies will come running so many things ran through my head and i was like most people probably see that and be like that's well funny or that's dumb. And I was like, this guy had to custom order this thing. And in his mind, he thought, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to get a jersey that says sexy on it for the name because that's me. And then what's a sexy number?

69. It's also funny. I'm going to get a lot of laughs out of this one. So I'm going to just wear this around. But I'm also a Cubs fan. So it's got to be a Cubs jersey. All those thoughts had to go through his head before he ordered this. And then spent like a hundred hours.

I don't think any thoughts. I don't think a single thought went through his head. Subconsciously something added to him. I feel like most of his thoughts are breathe in, breathe out. That's how he gets through the day. That is a dumb man right there. Speaking of dumb people, yesterday, no, maybe it was two days

ago, Friday, Friday night, well, two things happened to me this week that both involve in crashes. I'm so, I hate this city. I hate this city so much. So, earlier in the week, my mom was visiting, and so I was driving around with her, and I went out

to go do something, I can't remember what, and I was coming back to go pick her up to take her to the airport. While I was out, and so I was driving around with her. Right. And I went out to go do something. I can't remember what. I was coming back to go pick her up to take her to the airport. Mm-hmm. While I was out, I got stuck in traffic because this city. And I'm on the 405, and next to me in the carpool lane is a giant black bus. This huge black bus. And then on my right side is this really really long stretch limo and i'm stuck right in the middle and because traffic is terrible everything's stuck we are not moving and behind

me motorcycles keep trying to get like weave through traffic while everyone's standing still and so this guy in this little tiny like moped thing zooms by. And this guy in this sort of Kawasaki thing, he tries to get in with myself and the bus. So he's trying to get between us. And he sees he can't do it because there's not enough room. This bus is huge. So he backs up a little bit and goes around the bus on the inside whatever that is. You know, the inside curb.

It's not a curb. It's on the highway. Whatever that's called. Embankment or whatever. Yeah. And so eventually, and I'm looking at all these people because I'm like, if one of you hits me, I swear to God. I swear to God.

Because there's just not enough room. Yeah. Eventually, this old lady, I'm talking like, imagine she is dead. She's lived 100 years. But also, all those 100 years has been in a biker gang. And she looks ragged. So she is just coming

down. She's going on this giant-ass Harley. Shaking the ground as she moves. And she pulls up behind me and looks around. And I know what's going to happen. I know it. And I look back at her, and she's like,

I'm going to get between this guy and this bus. And so she starts to go through and doesn't make it because it gets too narrow. So she looks at me, right at my driver's side, looks at me, and pushes back on her bike to try and go back. She turns her bike, grinds her tire right along the side of my car. What? And then looks at me again, drives off behind the bus.

I was like, what? I started honking my horn furious. I was so mad. And, like, everyone around me thought I was honking about the traffic. I don't know if anyone noticed, but I was so pissed at this woman. She looked at me as she did it and drove

off and I was like, you bitch. I was so mad. Thankfully it was just her tires so it was only like a little scratch. But like, it shook my car. Like a little scratch But like it shook my car Like it went boom boom and like shook my car She did it I couldn't believe

Someone would do that on purpose like she's like I don't have enough room to get my thing through So I'm just gonna have to hit your car Like you are so dumb Did it mark the car? Yeah there's like on the rear bumper There's like a Not a sideways scratch but like a

Vertical scratch down of where she turned her wheel into it. And like some of her, the actual like metal part of her wheel hit my car. Yeah. I was so pissed. I was furious. So then I was, uh, it was Friday night, really, really late night. I had just gotten back from a WonderCon party. So like, you know, WonderCon is a thing.

Yeah. Uh, I do not go to WonderCon, but I'll go to those parties They're fun Wait, what is WonderCon? WonderCon is like an anime thing, question mark? It happens in Anaheim And it's going on right now As we record this But it's, yeah, it's just a convention

Like you can go there and see Jessica Nigri If that's your thing, I don't know And, I mean, it's my thing And, yeah, it's just a convention. Like, you can go there and see Jessica Nigri, if that's your thing. I don't know. And, I mean, it's my thing. And, yeah, I don't, it's just, like, comics and anime, I think. I don't know. But I think it's also a lot of cosplay. There's a lot of cosplayers there. And so I went to a party.

After I was done with that, I came home very, very late. And I ended up, like, chilling out upstairs. And I was having a conversation on Skype, I think, at the time, and I was like, it was so funny, as I was typing, like, oh, man, I'm a wreck. As I was typing it, as I was typing it, suddenly I hear crash, and, like, and, like, I swear to God,

I thought it was the end of the world. The whole building shook. Everything was crazy. I run to the window to go look. Tear open the blind. Some dude has driven into my building. What? A dude drove right into my building.

He went up over the curb, through trees, into the side of the building. And the crazy thing was, into the side of the building. And the crazy thing was, is I thought I heard water, and I thought a dude fell into the, like, crashed into the pool. And if you remember, the very first time I went to England, I think we might have talked about this on the podcast, my parents decided to

stay at my place. Oh yeah, I remember that. And while they were there, some famous basketballer's cousin or some shit drove his car into the pool of my apartment complex. Yeah. So that was like four years ago. And ever since then, I've been like, man, I'm so mad I missed that. That would have been freaking amazing to see.

I got to see it happen, but it wasn't. He didn't go in the pool. He was very, very close, though. He didn't go in the pool, but I guess the water noise I heard was maybe his cool interest. I don't know. Something popped, and it sounded like he fell straight into water. So I'm sitting there watching this go down, and this guy is like, some dude runs over. He's like, dude, are you okay?

Are you okay? And people have stopped doing what they're doing. It is, I don't even know what time it was. It was late. There are people out still out and about just like Walking around and everyone runs over to help this guy and the guy's like I'm fine. I'm fine I'm fine. He keeps trying to get the car like don't get out of the car dude. Stay still We're calling the police and the ambulance. He's like I'm fine. Don't get out of the cops. I'm fine

He gets out and some guys like dude you need to sit down He tries to fight the dude who's trying to help him. What? The guy's like swinging at this dude and he's like, bro, bro, you gotta calm down. He's like, I don't want to get a jab. Fuck you. He keeps trying to fight him. And I was like, whoa. And eventually people hold

this dude down to the ground. And the cops show up finally. I was like, oh my god. All night there were tow trucks and an ambulance. I couldn't sleep then. I just laid in bed looking out the window watching this all go down. It was so crazy. Better than TV.

It was. I can't even tell you how incredible it was to type, man, I'm a wreck, and press enter as a guy crashes into the house. I couldn't even begin to tell you how insane it was. It was so weird. That's like a once in a lifetime thing. But you've had it happen to you twice. You just weren't there the one time.

I know. More importantly, it's also very similar to the previous thing we discussed about, which is almost dying in a plane crash where I was like, oh yeah. My friend was like, well, if Jesse's on this plane, there's no way it can crash. Immediately get on the plane and it's like, we may crash. Like, that is too funny to me. This is the second time I've, I think I'm a prophet.

Coxter Domus. I think I see the future, but I just don't know in weird ways. Well, wait, did you like see this in a dream or something? No, but I know that I can, when I write my own story, I can make that up. What? Like I had a dream. I'm going to rewrite it that I had a dream. Oh, yeah, there you go. And you can write a book. Yeah, I'm going to write a book and be like, Coxtradamus, the secrets of Coxtradamus.

book and be like, Coxtradamus, the secrets of Coxtradamus. And he'll be like, Quatrain 23. On the night of the wreck, water and brimstone shall fill the land, and only the sounds of drunks will be heard. Right? And that'll be

He'll be like, an ending thing, like, yarrow. And he's like, can I get the yarrow? Yar yo quiero taco bear now that's something i'd read that i realize i realize i just need to make up my history i need to make a book and just fake it all my life's my life's not nearly interesting enough to make a real book out of i gotta fake it all yeah that's what i do it's gotta be like today i saved a cat from a firing squad people be like whoa that's a crazy story like it is let me think it up first that's how

that's how i'll tell my story quacks are 45 3 quacks are all right well hold on yes i have to talk about april fools real quick oh no because i got fooled twice by what by who by emails i got one email from ikea and it was like welcome to ikea big land and i was like what and they're like ikea big land it's like uh they're like now just like how we have like the kids play place we have the adult play place they're like ikea big lane it's like uh they're like now just like how we have like the kids play place we have the adult play place they're like we got a bar and we got like a nap area and they got like something else i was like this sounds awesome and they were like haha april fools and i was like what that's rude that was rude so i yeah that's one of those april fool

things where it's like but but everyone wanted that. Yeah. Like, here it was. They have the Skoll Bar. They have the Swedish Massage Center. What? They have the Arbitration Station. I love all this. I know. It should exist.

It should. And I was like, all right, whatever. And then later on, I was browsing stuff, and they were like, the Hot Topic dating app. You know what? That is too much. If that was real, I would be so sad. I know. So I was like, oh, man.

This is like perfect podcast material. So I like wrote it down, and then I realized this is probably April Fool's. And then I looked it up, and there's everybody being like, it's a funny April Fool. And I was like, it wouldn't have surprised me, though. There's so many dating apps. It's crazy. It's like, everybody has a dating app. They have the Coast to Coast AM thing has a dating app.

Would you ever actually date someone on that Coast to Coast AM dating app? No, but I feel like some of the people that listen would. There is no way. You know what Maybe there is Maybe that's where I should put all my eggs Put them in that basket You can find a Bigfoot hunter

My name's Bubba And I like to hunt Bigfoot My name's Carlene And I too love to hunt Bigfoot Oh we can hook them up We should become matchmakers for crazy people. We should. And then we can start our own dating app called Cox and Crenn Date.

Oh, my God. Can we just make a Cox and Crenn Date and it's for fans of Cox and Crenndor? We got to do it. Why are we not doing this? Guys, for only $49.99 a month, you can sign up to our amazing Cox and Crenn dating app. We promise only to create three or four fake accounts that hit on you in order to get you to keep subscribing. That is our guarantee to you. Tito Watts.

Only three or four. Florida Man. Florida Man will be on there. We'll just take names of Florida men and make them our account. Three things I love in life. Crocodiles in bathtubs. Golden tickets to heaven. And being a Florida native.

Yes, that made me realize, you know what? I don't like April Fool's Day. April Fool's Day sucks. Yeah, it does suck. It's dumb. People just get fooled. People get their hopes up it does suck. It's dumb. People just get fooled. People get their hopes up for no reason. It's stupid. I agree. I agree completely.

I'm with you 100. April Fool's Day is dumb. It continues to be dumb. And the longer we're like, eh, we're making jokes is stupid. It is stupid. I agree. That's all I wanted to say. I'm glad we can all agree on that. Okay, so let's go to chapter 5 with Crendor. Crendor, how's that? But I agree. That's all I wanted to say. I'm glad we can all agree on that. Okay.

So let's go to the traffic. I'm sitting with Crendor. Crendor, how's that? I just burped a little bit. How's that traffic out there? Hey, good burp down there. I appreciate it. It means you had something to, you know, some good food, something to drink. It is delicious.

How's the traffic, you ask? It's doing all right. You take a look down there at the 408 everything's pretty smooth right now comparatively to rush hour when it hits rush hour you just can't move down there but luckily uh you know we're pretty late at night here it's a sunday uh into monday people going back to work going back to school going back to Ja Rule. Remember Ja Rule, the rapper? I remember him. April Fools, I don't remember him. Oh, wait. I do remember him, though, so that's not right. Back to you. Thanks, Crendor. Now let's go over to the weather desk with Crendor. How's that weather?

Weather time. Woppy. Woppy activated. 9, 8, 4, 5, 6. Waiting. 9, 8, 4, 5, 6. 9, 8, 4, 5, 6. Is that a place? No. 3, 1, 5, 7, 8. No.

You okay? You okay, Woppy? 6, 1, 5, 4, 8. Metamora. Metamora. Metamora? Metamora? That sounds like a place the X-Men go to battle with, like, monster people. Hold on.

Metamora? Metamora, Illinois. This really is a place? Yeah, it is. Hold on. You tell the weather.'m gonna i'm sorry woppy you tell the weather i'm going to look up metamora x-men see if that's a real thing metamora illinois 55 degrees fahrenheit cloudy feels like 53 degrees high low 48 degrees degrees Fahrenheit UV index zero of 10 next 36 hours rain rain rain cloudy rain I just want to

point out yes that the Metamora apparently the Metamora team is the Cardinals what and I'm trying to look at like I'm so there's a beautiful wedding photo of this couple getting married in metamora very lovely there's metamora like this is they have a population of 3 700 people jesus this is a small ass town i think my high school had more people this is crazy i'm i'm still scrolling because I'm telling you. I'm telling you right now. Metamora has to be a thing. Oh, Metamora is a kick-started comic book.

There we go. See? I'm telling you. Metamora sounds way too sci-fi to be the name of a town in the middle of nowhere. It's got to have some crazy shit. Right? Like, Metamora. That is another one crazy shit. Right? Like Metamora. That is another one of the alien movies.

Alien Metamora. You know that's happening. Fire destroys rural Metamora home. Metamora to hold tax meeting. What if I look up Metamora monster? Metamora. It's such a good name. I'm so disappointed.

Please go look up Metamora monster and tell me you see the third picture that I see. Metamora Monster. Let's see images. I'm pretty sure I do. Go away, you big yellow monster. That is the cover of this episode, for sure. That's from the Metamora Community Preschool. Metamora Gibson.

I love Metamora. You know what? Nice, Metamora. You've got some talent. Yeah, Metamora, we dig you a lot. Yeah, you've got talent. You've got creativity. You're better than that other place we talked about last time from Indiana.

I don't even remember that place. Yeah, I don't even remember them anymore. It wasn't even that good a place to begin with. Burlesque or something. Ooh, we do got to go do that, though. Yeah, we do have to see the Burlesque. We do got to go do that. No doubt. All right, well, let's go over to the sports desk.

Crandor House, sports looking. Sports. Sports is looking pretty good. We've got baseball starting up tonight's opening night. And the, let's see, who who won today two other teams played today we got uh the diamondbacks beat the giants we got the tampa bay rays beat the yankees and right now the cardinals are up one nothing on the cubs in the top of the sixth inning wow so yeah baseball it's happening baseball is happening. Spring is here. 161 games to go after this one.

Also. I'm not saying the season's too long, but. Let's see. In basketball news, we're getting pretty close to the playoffs. It looks like the Celtics overtook the Cavaliers in the East. Shit, dude. Shit. Now the Celtics are the top team to beat.

And the Bulls have somehow won four in a row and managed to possibly make the playoffs now. Go Bulls. Also, it looks like Golden State and San Antonio are going to win again somehow. And then over in hockey land, we've got some intense stuff going on. Playoffs looking like they're right around the corner as well. Predators failed to clinch playoff berth,

losing regulation to Blues, who move two points ahead of Nashville for third place. Pastela Pizza, man. Pastela Pizza. That sounds like a restaurant you'd expect to find in Metamora. Pastela Pizza. Pastela Pizza. It's the only pizza place in town.

The only reason I say that is because that's what Bulk and Skull said in a Power Rangers thing. They were like, pasta la pizza baby. Fuck me. I'm doing it all the time. Pasta la pizza baby. That's happening. That's what I'm going to say all the

time now. That's perfect. Pasta la pizza. Pasta la pizza. I love it. I love it. It's great. I love it. I love it. It's great. I love it. I've been saying it all the time.

And that's sports. All right. What is our big news story of the day? Big news story of the day. I haven't found one, but I'm going to find one right now. Didn't you want to mention Overwatch VR I feel like I've already embarrassed myself enough today

Alright we'll do that next time I've already put myself out there way too much today We'll wait till next time that's fine Uh let's see Shocking video shows badass badger Burying entire cow by itself Woman licks world record For stopping fan blades with tongue Okay. These aren't stories.

These are literally just someone's tweets. Yeah, seriously. This is like Facebook. Are you just on Facebook right now? I may as well be. Which, you know what? There's so many Facebook-esque articles because it's like the internet and it's now just loaded with articles in general like that.

Like Snapchat has that too. Ever see that? The Snapchat stories is enough. That's too much. That's too much. Yeah, it's like Snapchat news. Have you seen that? No, why would I go to that? If you scroll to the right once, there's like you go, well, it's like Snapchat News. Have you seen that? No, why would I go to that?

Right, if you scroll to the right once, there's stories. Then you scroll to the right again, there's Discover. Oh, I've seen that stuff, and that's terrible. That stuff is like garbage. Yeah, it's the exact same stuff. NASA astronaut explains why he knows aliens haven't visited Earth. I would, actually, you know what? That's not weird or strange.

I would just love to know that. Yeah. I would love to know the truth about why he thinks that, because here's the thing, I agree with him. I think aliens don't give a shit about Earth, because we're like, if they exist, which I truly believe they do, because they have to, mathematically have to, they fly by us, because we're like,

they're the same reason people in the United States fly over the middle of it. There's just nothing there. They're like, why would I go there? I would love to know. I'd love to know his theory. All right, I'll click that then. Because, I mean, nothing else is looking too good.

This will work. Yeah, no, screw fun. We're going to learn something today. I forgot to mention in the sports, the Oakland Raiders moved to Las Vegas. They did. I'm so excited. I might actually go to a Vegas Raiders game. That is going to be something. Those would be the

craziest. Yes. I want to go to those. Those would be wild. At least you know you won't get shot like Oakland. I mean, you very well. It is Vegas. We would get shot of alcohol. Vegas.

Alright, let's see what he's got to say. If ETs found us, they would offer to help solve cancer and birth defects, he says. I don't know that that's the direction I would have gone. Okay, all right, let's go down this rabbit hole. Only 12 individuals from Earth have been fortunate enough to actually walk on the surface of another world, specifically our moon. The historic main lunar landing in the 19th century. Somewhere Pluto is not happy that we just called the moon another world.

Pluto's like, you mother. Whatever happened to Pluto? They got rid of it. They were like, Pluto ain't even a planet anymore. They got rid of it. You know what? If science can get rid of stuff, that sucks. Yeah.

How is that possible? Science just gets rid of stuff. I don't know. Science, they just decided it wasn't. They recategorized it. Now it's a dwarf planet or some nonsense. Because I guess what happened was they found a bunch of other small dwarf planets at the end of our solar system.

And rather than, because Pluto was smaller smaller than some of those they were like oh well pluto falls into the category of them rather than planets now i don't know that's dumb just make i think that's what happened just make a planet dude yeah it was always a planet before nine planets is how it worked eight Eight planets? What are we? Some sort of lesser solar system? Yeah, get out of here, eight planets. Yeah. I mean, people probably go to Dunkin' Donuts. It's true.

It's true. You know who's to blame? Neil deGrasse Tyson. F that guy. Thinks he's so cool. He's pretty cool, though. He is very cool. Actually, right. He's very cool. Where was I? actually right yeah he's very cool where was i oh yeah uh something about apollo 11 neil armstrong buzz aldrin some other stuff pete conrads just names lunar module pilot bean what pilot bean lunar module pilot bean that sounds again that sounds like an anime character i guess guess that's his name, just Bean.

Lunar Module Pilot Bean reporting. Oh, his name's Alan Bean. That's a good name. Alan Bean is a fine name. Yeah, that's a solid name. Now 85, became the fourth man to set foot on the moon, and he continued with the space program as the spacecraft commander on the 59-day Skylab Mission 2 in 1973.

He was later named backup commander for 1975 joint American-ussian apollo soyouz this flight when being retired from nasa in 81 he became an excellent artist who paints the experiences of fellow astronaut moonwalkers being space faring experiences have given him plenty of time to think about the question of whether earthlings are alone in the universe and whether aliens have discovered us i do not believe that anyone from outer space has ever visited earth being told the australian news site news.com.au one of the reasons i don't believe they have been here is that civilizations that are more advanced are more altruistic and friendly like earth which is better than it used to be so they would have landed and said we come in peace and we know from Our studies that you have cancer that kills people we solved that problem 50 years ago

Here's the gadget we put on a person's chest that will cure it. We will show you how to make it well first off pause I feel like 50 we solve that 50 years ago Interstellar traveling and it took it only 50 years ago. They solve cancer boyar traveling, and only 50 years ago they solved cancer? Boy, are we all screwed. Boy, are we all screwed. No doubt. Yeah, 50 years.

It's like nothing. We got that 50 years ago. They show up at, like, an old space jalopy. 50. Yeah, yeah, we fixed that. I would love it if the first aliens that came to Earth weren't like the sci-fi races we all imagine, but just like ugly mole people driving in space jalopies. Like lawnmowers.

Yeah. Like starts giving out. He's like. I would love that. You have no clue. That's what I want. They're like, hey, like 50 years back, we saw that cancer thing. We got you.

Yeah, we got it. Hold on. Oh, God, I lost it. He gives it to you, and he's like, yeah, you smoke this. It gets rid of cancer. They're like, what? Yeah, yeah, we call it a cigarette. You smoke it.

It gets rid of cancer. This is, we tested it. It's full of methamphetamines. Oh, yeah. Wait, what else? Man, that'd be great. For some reason, they can travel through space, but they're just space idiots. Dude, what if instead of eating nutritious

food, their planet, they live off of meth? Oh my god, Tina watts was right there is a crack planet the crack planet it all makes sense now it's all coming together now you think he wasn't lying yeah he was telling the truth this scientist if anything proves it yeah wait just like someday say a thousand years from now when we can go to another star and see a planet that's what we could that's what we would do because we will know how to cure cancer cure birth defects so we would teach them bean doesn't think that we're alone in the vast

expanse of the planets there's so many billions of stars and their stars have planets around them so there must be statistically many planets around many stars that have formed life. But that raises the question of how Bean could assume that if aliens have landed here, they would automatically offer to help with our problems. We can't simply expect an extraterrestrial

species to think the way we do or understand our thoughts and motivations. And why would he presume that we are eventually able to travel to other planets we would go out of our way to help aliens we may find with their problems? So yeah, that's like we could very well pull a Christopher Columbus or some shit.

Or they could. Like in Christopher Columbus, I mean, in reality he pretty much killed and enslaved the first people he found. So, I mean, really? To him him they were aliens Yeah to us if aliens ever came here I for one welcome our new overlords

And would happy to be their pet But we would all be killed Oh yeah no doubt We are like ants in the cosmic I think we might have talked about this before The coolest things ever Michio Kaku Cool science nerd Has this thing where he's like, there are galactic civilization numbers.

And so at zero, you are a planetary race or species, right? So you are stuck on your planet. And at one, you are a solar system-based group, right? So you can travel between your solar system. And so clearly we are at between zero and one, right? Then there's one to two, which is you can travel between solar systems. And then there is three, which I believe is, this could all be wrong number-wise, but I believe three is you can travel between galaxies,

and four is you're like energy people, and you can just do whatever, like you can travel between realities. What the shit? And so every intergalactic culture or civilization, as they move from one to the next they have a crisis point and they either destroy themselves or they move on and so in his mind there are probably many worlds out there that are just shells of civilizations that no longer exist because at some point you either need to tip in the direction of change or you tip back and then you just kill yourselves and wipe yourselves out and so the process of going from like a 0 to a 1

Is An example would be like Well we've effed up earth enough so we have to go to other planets Like we have to Or it's We decide that you know We scientifically need to go to other planets Or we need resources from other planets

Something will make us want to go And either we go Or that something will make us want to go and either we go or that something that makes us want to go becomes such a big problem. It kills us all off. And then, you know, for example, like you're a solar system civilization, you're at a one, and now you want to go to another solar system, right? Well, okay, you can do that, but there's a chance that, you know, something could go wrong in the process or maybe a sun explodes or you meet another civilization and they're assholes And kill like there's all these levels of things

That can mess you up and you just Can die your species can die At any point along the line it's pretty interesting And cool I think it's I think it's like super Intelligent to think of it that way Like we're pretty low on the totem pole When it comes to the universe So yeah we're like

The ants and people Like shit on ants all the time When it comes to the universe. So yeah. We're like the ants. And people like shit on ants all the time. Oh we would definitely die. No doubt about it. Like I said. I welcome our alien overlords. And hope that they need morning podcasts. Also you doing all that talking just there.

I just went back to the start of the show. Where you were like I love when people talk to me. And I just zone out. And that's what I just did. I the start of this show where you were like, I love when people talk to me and I just zone out. And that's what I just did. I zoned out so hard. I was like, this is great. I'm just like, I don't even know what's happening anymore, man. All right. Well, that's it for us.

Thank you guys so much for listening. We'll be back with another episode soon. And as always always to be continued