Cox n' Crendor Show - Episode 157 - The Legend of Newport Richie

Episode Date: June 18, 2018

The boys are back! This time Crendor has a few good people watching stories, but nothing can prepare him for Jesse's airplane story. We also learn something called the "World Cup" is happening (never heard of it). The episode wraps up with a visit from Florida man and his newest arch-nemesis. Can Florida Man defeat his newest foe!? Find out the answer to this AND MORE on this newest episode of Cox n' Crendor! Thanks to Blue Apron for sponsoring this episode. Get your first 3 meals free at http://blueapron.com/cox

Today's episode is brought to you by Blue Apron. Right now, there's some delicious food ready to be made by you in your own home. I know, it sounds like a fantasy. It sounds like a dream. You making a delicious meal? Crazy. Crazy. But trust me, it can be done.

If Crendor and I can do it, you can do it too, my friend. It's very true. We'll tell you how later on in the show. For now, let's jump right into it. Hello, everybody. It's time for Ghost on Trend Dog. This is Trend Dog in the morning. In the morning.

Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live. In 4-hour recording studio. Recorded. Hello everybody and welcome to Cox and Crandor in the morning. Hello. Hello. Hey. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hey. Hi.

Uh. I don't know. I don't really know what that was. It's just along for the ride. Not gonna lie. Every time we, uh, every time we do one of these now, I always think to myself, like, have I done that before? Chances are, maybe.

Yeah. I mean, like, we're over 150. Yeah, this is all reused bits, and we haven't actually done one of these podcasts in three years. Over like a span of five years. Yeah. I don't remember what I did five years ago. We just edit clips from old podcasts together to make new stories. This isn't even a real, this isn't even a live show.

It's not even live. What you're hearing now is a re-edit of an old joke that was about the exact same thing. Yeah. This isn't even new. This is garbage. Yeah, what garbage show? Garbage. Thanks for listening, though.

Yeah, no, thank you. How was your week? What have you been up to? All right. So, let me tell you about my week. So I went to the mall and I walked around and I saw many people. It is a mall. As you know.

Yes. As you know. Father's Day coming up. Father's Day is coming up. In the States. And it's like 90 degrees. So everyone's like, let's go to the mall. So's packed jam-packed it's great because all i ever do is i walk around and i just people watch that's like really all we ever do anywhere is just people watch and try to

get material to talk about that's really it so that's all our lives are just this show yeah uh so i found some people one of them okay i got into the parking lot and i was walking in and these two girls passed me and all i heard was the one say i lost the car and each other and then the other girl said that was a fun night what and i was like what so i just that's all i heard from just passing by him the one said lost the car and each other and then the other girl laughed a bit and was like that was a fun night they probably got it was probably like a dude where's my car situation i mean probably but at the same time like how's that fun you lose your car you lose the adventure have you not seen

dude where's my car the event i have seen the adventure is the fun part i don't know about that that doesn't sound like a fun adventure to me losing things that belong to me they're very expensive and then not knowing where they are in addition to being so drunk that I don't even know where anyone I know is and I'm just lost. Yeah, but that's the adventure. And then if you make it out, it's a hilarious anecdote. If you get stuck in a city

and then you wind up dead, that's terrible. But if you make it out, hilarious anecdote for you and your friends. I guess. This is why I'm a hobbit. Then, alright, I'm a hobbit. Ben. All right. I'm walking, walking in the mall.

This one woman, she's got her like her baby, her one year old or ever like holding him up. And those heads like hanging to the side. There's this Asian woman walking and she just like walk straight into the baby. But the baby was like a rock and the baby like slam and she was like oh it looked like it was like an nfl hit it was great like the asian woman's like oh and she kind of fell but they didn't like i can visualize i visualize this but it's this little old asian lady but just with your, like, oh, oh. She looked like she was probably, like, 30, which means she's probably, like, 60.

And so she, like, stumbled and, like, got her composure back, kind of turned around and was like, what hit me? And then the other woman carrying the kid, they just kept walking. They looked unfazed. And so then they just both walked on. And I was like, what? It's like seeing, like, a car accident. And then they just move on. and i was like what it's like seeing like a car accident and then they just move on what do you think oh my god what do you think that lady that old asian lady thought when she looked back there was just a baby i'd be terrified i don't know i'd be that was it was a solid like that kid's gonna be a linebacker ier. If I turned around and saw that I just walked into a baby,

I would be mortified. Yeah. So I wrote in my notes, baby slammed woman. Oh, so you saw the reverse happen, actually. Well, the baby took it out on her purposefully. He could have. We don't know. I guess you're right. We don't know.

He was leaning out. Yeah, that baby could be up to no good. We don know that baby so then all right i keep walking right i keep walking then there's this woman all right she's walking on stilettos at the mall and they are probably like like six inch stilettos and i don't know how she's walking out. It's like the thinnest possible heel and she's like holding on to her boyfriend husband's like arm. I'm pretty sure that was just like keep her balance. Can I ask you a question? But she's

like. Was the boyfriend husband like super jacked? Was he like the most super jacked? There's only two possibilities here. Super jacked bald guy with like one size too tiny shirt or older graying hair gentleman in suit jacket. All right, you're close. He had a red suit, tuxedo, like red tuxedo suit, like all red.

But he wasn't like buff or anything. I didn't even consider pimp. I was totally. Well, yeah yeah all right he had the red suit and he's just he's just like a skinny dude but not like me skinny like uh it's like slightly below average he was just walking he's tall though he's like six three or something and then she she was like a thick woman with two Cs. She had on her dress, but then she had those stilettos.

It was like everybody was turning to look at him because they couldn't believe she was walking in them. It was one of those things where you're like, she's going to fall. I think everybody was waiting for her to fall, but she wasn't falling. Well, that's because she's got her mandolin on. That's a good man right there. He's there for her. She's got her mandolin on. Yeah.

It doesn't matter that he's a pimp. He's there. He's a pimp with a heart of gold. Yeah. Yeah. The pimp with the heart of gold coming to Disney theaters this fall. From Disney and Pixar. The pimp with the Heart of Gold.

Yeah, it'll be like the sequel to a film with Robert Gere and... Pretty Woman? Yeah, Pretty Woman. But he's not a pimp. This is like the 2018 version. Oh, okay. So it's about the pimp and the prostitute fall in love. Yeah. Oh, that is the 2018 version. Yeah, that's the 2018 version. You're right. You, okay. So it's about the pimp and the prostitute fall in love. Yeah. Oh, that is the 2018 version. Yeah, that's

the 2018 version. You're right. You know what? I'll see it in theaters. So that was another thing. I was like, this is a great mall experience. Then, my favorite there's another one after this, but my favorite person of the day. This old man. He's probably like 80. He's sitting on a bench like

in the mall reading his book but he's not reading the book he's just looking around right oh that's the creepy man i know the creepy man but he had that look like there are all these kids walking around just like like all like packs of kids people with baby. He just looked around like these goddamn millennials. Yeah, he probably, there's only two options here as well. He's either there to read that book and everyone's pissing him off because he can't read it. Or he's there just to be pissed off and the book is a cover. I think, yeah. He is open to like the middle part of the book.

I think, yeah. He was open to the middle part of the book. So I feel like he wasn't reading it, really. I think he was just getting aggravated, everyone around him. Yeah, sometimes old people, that's how they keep going. It's just pure aggravation. Sheer force of will to hate people. And they're like, I bring the book so I have something to hold on to when I get angry.

I think that's what I'm going to do when I'm old. That's definitely going to be me. When you get old? I do that sometimes already. Yeah, I was about to say, you do that now. Yeah. You're not wrong. Damn. I could appreciate that but it was just i enjoyed seeing him and his aggravation

because probably because there's a part of me that could relate and i think that's what i enjoyed so much about it yeah you were it was you you were looking at you stumbled across a time anomaly and on the other side you just saw yourself in the future yeah it might even be me yeah that's what i'm saying no it could just be you yeah um so that was cool and then i was like all right i've walked around enough i'm gonna go to starbucks uh so i go to starbucks and the line is backed up because this old woman i don't know what she's doing she's trying to use her phone phone to get Starbucks stars or credits or whatever it is. But she's also trying to pay with cash. And the guy's like, you got to scan the thing.

And she scans it. And she's like, I didn't want that. And so she has the manager lady come over. And she's like, wait, what are you trying to do? And she's like, I just want to put the stars on the thing. But I want to pay with cash. I don't know how to use this thing. Help an old woman out. I don't want to. I just want to put the stars on the thing, but I want to pay with cash. I don't know how to use this thing. Help an old woman out.

I don't want to. I just want to pay with the cash, but I want the star credits. Now, this sounds like me. I'm like, I just want the credit, but I just want to use cash. This is probably you. Yeah. Yeah. You saw yourself and me, and I became an old lady.

I'm okay with that. They're just like, call the phone number. Just call the phone number and she's like, I'll call the phone number. I'll call it. And then after about five minutes, they finally got her to calm down and then she walked over and got her drink that I think she

ordered. I didn't even know if she ordered anything at that point. She was just yelling to yell. And that was just a fun day of just seeing people live in action. I, too, had a fun day. So I went out to brunch with our dear friend Alex. This had to have been like a dating service day or something. I don't know.

But everyone else was a couple, right? It was all couples, but like awkwardly paired, not at all fitting together couples. It's like a blind date. I think so. So next to us were two couples, the two that I could hear the clearest. Everyone else was also awkwardly sitting around making small talk. also awkwardly sitting around making small talk but the two that were near us the first one was this a british woman who you know there are like many types of british people ignore all that and imagine the most stereotypical brit you can imagine oh my god that's like when i got off the plane that one time this is it was pretty much her

she even had not just like the British, like, oh, hello. She had like, hey, hey, governor. Good morning. Did she have the Nigel Thornberry chin? Like, it was the most stereotypical British person to the point where it's like Prince Charles British, right? Yeah. It's got the nose and the chin and the like prominent brow. Like, right.

She was the most British woman I've ever seen in my life anyway she's sitting there talking about swimming with sharks and going on excavations she seems very interesting like she probably comes from one of the thorn berries like it's probably true she's talking about all these adventures she's going on meanwhile the guy she's on the date with is looking at everyone else in the room Like flirting with women in other chairs Like just being a real creep And I felt so bad for her Because she clearly was into this guy And he was not at all

He was flirting with everyone else in the room but her Then the other Table that was near us Was this oh my god They were like the cutest Asian couple I've ever seen in my life It was very obvious it was the first time they ever met they were uh doing the whole small talk getting to know you kind of thing except they were both very very drunk i guess they had gone to the bar beforehand and both tried to get enough like enough liquid courage to go on this date yeah

and then they just kept drinking. And because it was all you can drink, mimosas or something called Summer Punch, which basically was tequila. It was basically tequila. Oh my God. We gotta go. They just kept drinking and drinking and drinking. And so Alex and I were sitting there watching them.

And the conversation- Were you also drinking the Mimosa Unlimiteds? I was drinking the Summertime Punch. It was bright pink and tasted like tequila and happiness. And it was great. If you want to know what food we had, I had a nice hash. And Alex had a biscuits and gravy. It was very good.

Mamma mia. I know. So they keep talking. And every time they have a conversation, it always starts out very, very deep. Like, tell me about your hopes and your dreams. Right. And then eventually devolves into them giggling and rubbing each other's hands. Yeah. Show them she could drink or something I have no idea what her But she kept drinking to the point where I was like I really wanted to tell her to stop I was like you sweetheart need to stop drinking Oh my god Speaking of drinking I have another story

That's really important to tell you Oh boy Wait does this story stop This story does stop I have another story to tell you That's even crazier about drinking Alright So this one is This girl keeps drinking and drinking and drinking. And eventually the guy, I think it's very obvious the two of them really want to bang.

They are rubbing on each other next to us at the table while we're eating breakfast. It might be 1130 a.m. this time. And so the guy's like, well, how do you feel about seeing other people and what do you think this is gonna go anywhere because i think in his mind he's like yeah i'm gonna get some and that's good enough for me and yeah and so he's like how do you feel about you know if we if we date other people what do you think about that and this is her response and I just want you to remember, the last hour and a half I've watched them grind on each other, basically. Right.

And get more and more drunk. I had to write this in a text to Alex while we were sitting there because I almost cried myself into laughter. So he says, what do you think about us seeing other people like what about other women i've you know i've dated other people before i met you and i'm not sure i feel about that like that kind of stuff very open and this girl looks at him and says i know i know there are other girls out there. But what's different between me and them is I'm a Christian. And I almost died. It was just like, I mean, yeah, I guess. I just don't know what that means.

I don't know what she's insinuating. I was just like, I, okay. What did he respond? Uh, he, he like held her hands and he's like, that's why I like you. And I,

and then she's like, well, and then her response was, well, I mean, I'm not really Christian, but my family is. And so,

you know, they, she's like, I, I have to, you know, believe, but it doesn't matter if you don't like that.

And he's, he's like, I like what that and he's he's like i like what you like and she's like oh you're so cute and i was just like that's like a like why would you even say like the difference is i'm christian but i'm not i don't follow it it's just my family wants me to be it's like what i genuinely i think she just was into him so much she was like i'll say whatever i have to say yeah in order to like kiss this dude yeah that makes sense oh my god it was bonkers um but that is not the most bonkers thing a story recently happened to me uh this would be last Thursday. No. Yeah, last Thursday night. Thursday I flew to Indie PopCon. And Indie PopCon.

The glorious state of Indiana. Oh, boy. Yes. I have fun every time I'm there. It's incredibly, it's very chill and relaxed, and everyone I meet there is very awesome. I think it's like a midwest thing it was great however the flight out there krendor i have the best story to tell you and i need to preface this by saying i'm going to leave this person's name out of it i've told this story to other people many people might be able to figure this out they did some digging but

i'm gonna leave the name of this person out there that's another drinking story that you're talking about uh yes this is the other this is the other drinking story we're making sure yeah yeah i'm not this is i don't even know how to just what this is entirely true everything i'm about to tell you is true this is like the start of a reality show everything you're about to see in here is real this is not made up i'll show you the evidence when you come visit me okay like evidence evidence what the shit okay everything you're about to hear is true this totally happened i need to pray because it gets ridiculous okay so i was on this flight it was an overnight flight from lax to indiana It was a one-way trip and I was like, cool, I'll go overnight. I'll leave at 10 p.m. LA time, arrive at 5 or 6 a.m. Indiana time.

I'll sleep on the plane. I'll get off, maybe get another couple hours of sleep at the hotel and then go to the convention. That was my plan. Get on the plane, realize I forgot my earbuds. I'm like, oh, son of a, so I can't listen to music, which is my usual go-to. I'm cutting everyone else on the plane off. Don't talk to me. I'm like, oh, son of a, so I can't listen to music, which is my usual go-to. Like I'm cutting everyone else on the plane off. Don't talk to me. I'm trying to sleep like that kind of thing. So I'm like, oh boy. Okay.

Well, uh, flight attendant, can I have a gin and tonic? And she's like, okay, sweetheart. By the way, the flight attendant was the frumpiest old Midwestern lady I've ever seen. She was from Milwaukee. I talked to her a bunch. She's like, oh, okay there. I'll try and do your best drink for you. You're almost

Minnesota, but not quite. A little Irish, yeah. So, she brings my drink. Everyone starts getting on the plane. I'm sitting there just sipping on this gin and tonic. Everyone's on the plane, or so I think. There's no one next to me. So I'm like, oh, cool. Well, looks like I get some extra room

This will be great I can like stretch out One more person comes on the plane Little tiny Blonde headed girl In what appears to be A homeless person's trappings Completely wrapped up She has like

One of those I'm trying to think of what they're called A beanie but you know like the ones Literally the to think of what they're called, a beanie, but you know, literally the ones the fishermen wear. Not like a hippie beanie, like a hipster thing, but like literal like the fisherman beanie. The one that like old seamen wear. Oh god.

Or like if you're going to go on a heist. Yes, that's what I'm saying. She has one of those on and then her hood up. She comes, she sits down next to me and she's like, oh, will you help me get my bag? I can't get it up above and it looks like I'm sitting next to you. And I was like, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. So I put the bag up above. She takes off her hoodie and hat and sits down, looks up at me and goes, oh boy, you're in for a crazy flight.

And I look down and it is a well-known celebrity. What? Like a well-known celebrity. If I mentioned the name, everyone would know it. All right. Okay. I'm not going to say who.

Just to let you know it's a well-known celebrity. All right. You have to tell me off the thing. Right. I'm not going to be that guy who just i already got in trouble years ago for sake that john boyega wouldn't let me take a photo with him i'm not going through that shit again don't burn your bridges i can't burn bridges it's so she looks up at me and she introduces herself i'm like hey i'm jesse she cool, cool. What are you having to drink? I'm like, I'm having a gin and tonic. She's like, I'll have what he's having.

And the flight attendant's like, oh, a gin and tonic? You want a gin and tonic? And she goes, no, make it a vodka soda. And she's like, okay. Flight attendant goes away. This actress looks at me and goes, I can't have gin because, you know, gin makes you sin. And I'm like, sure. Yeah.

Okay. What? I'm like, sure. Okay. So we have a drink and she goes, cheers to a wonderful flight. And we toast. We have our drinks. She starts pulling out a script and she starts looking at this script and reading the script And you know it's a night time flight so the lights go down

And she seems very much just you know By herself for the first 10-15 minutes She's not really interacting with me we're just sitting there drinking She reads this script The plane's still on the runway She turns and looks at me and says have you ever read a script before I'm like ah I mean I have I can't say I'm any good at it

And she's like would you help me read mine I'm like uh at it. She's like, would you help me read mine? I'm like, sure. And so she's like, all you have to do is read the script and I'll practice the lines. I'm like, okay. So the plane hasn't even taken off yet and we're reading a script that I swear to God here's... She's playing a mom

whose daughter is going through something. I'm not sure exactly what. But the scene is between her and the husband And her talking to the husband About the problems with the daughter But also kind of hitting on the husband And so she's rehearsing these lines with me And

She's like doing the whole I'm acting but I'm trying to be very serious About acting staring in my eyes Talking about like we'll make it through this sweetheart And when that time comes I think then We can finally make love again like that kind of thing and i'm like what is happening oh my god so the plane finally takes off our drinks we had to take our drinks the woman comes back out flight 10's like would you like another drink and this actress looks over at me and goes yeah we'll both have this and just orders a drink i don't know what it was and we both get one and she's like cheers i'm like another drink? And this actress looks over at me and goes, yeah, we'll both have this. And just orders a drink. I don't remember what it was.

And we both get one. And she's like, cheers. I'm like, oh, well, I guess this is my night. So we toast. I drink with her. And we keep reading more of the script. And then halfway through, she stops and looks at me and goes, how old are you? I'm like, what?

She's like, how old are you? And I tell her, and she goes, have you ever been in your 40s i'm like what no i haven't been in my 40s what and she's like i have i've been in my 40s i'm like what so she goes have you ever been 42 and not had a child and i'm like uh what is this in the script i'm just like i um no no i don't have kids i'm not i'm not married or anything and she's like oh okay well i was gonna get married but i had my heart broken and i'm like okay sure and then she name was nicholas Nicolas Cage. She puts her script down and goes, I've had a lot of Xanax tonight. And I'm like, what?

Jesus. And then she goes, can I get another drink? And the flight attendant brings her another drink. And I'm like, no. Oh, my God. We probably shouldn't do this. She goes, shut up. Have a Kahlua. And orders me a Kahlua drink.

What the shit? So because I'm both fascinated and a little scared, I like keep drinking with her. Mind you, on this plane of 200 odd people, we're the only light on. Every other light is out. Most of the flight is asleep. It's like just us. It is so bizarre. Just us and the flight attendant who's watching from the distance.

Just like trying to figure out how she knows this girl. So she, we take another drink together. Then she's like, can I tell you something? I haven't, I haven't told anyone. My ex-boyfriend's on this plane. And I'm like, what? But you came on alone. She's like, I know he's in, he's back.

I know where he's at. He's back there. And she literally just gets up and looks to the back of the plane. She's like, I gotta go see him. And like leaves. What? She goes,

she goes further back into the plane. Eventually the flight attendant comes over and it's like, are you traveling with her? And I look at her, I'm like, no. She goes, Oh,

you sweet, sweet boy. And she goes, if you need any help let me know and i was like i don't know what to do right now and the flight attendant's like okay well let me know if you need any help and so this girl comes back up sits down and uh reaches for her pocket. Mind you, you know how they say the camera adds 15 pounds or whatever? Mm-hmm. For this girl, it must be like the camera adds 35, 40 pounds. She was like a twig person. She was so thin.

So she could curl up entirely in her seat and still have extra space. Mama mia, that's like me. And so I asked her. I laughed because I was like, you have so much free space. You have a space for a newspaper and your phone and all this stuff. And she looks at me and she's like, yeah, everyone makes fun of me because I'm 95 pounds, but I'm actually 98 pounds. And I was like, okay cool and she's like i was like all right sure and she grabs her phone she goes i need to find my assistant and

gets up and walks away again and i'm like i what is happening right now i look at the flight tent the flight tent looks at me and she goes you want another drink i'm like i think i need one i come back this girl sees that i have at me and she goes, do you want another drink? I'm like, I think I need one. I come back. This girl sees that I have a drink and she wants another drink immediately too. So now we're on drink four, I think. Jesus. And it is maybe, maybe an hour and a half into this flight.

And this girl comes back. We're sitting there having a drink and then she goes to grab her phone again and goes, I can't find my phone. What happened to my phone? Now I haven't been paying attention at all. I couldn't tell you where her phone again and goes, I can't find my phone. I can't. What happened to my phone? Now, I haven't been paying attention at all. I couldn't tell you where her phone went. But because I am an official nice guy to the point of

to my own detriment, she's like, can I borrow your phone so I can use the light to search for my phone? I was like, sure. So I used the flashlight function on my phone to search for her phone under the seats. So she literally is like looking up under her seat for the phone, then goes to look up under my seat. Her head is literally where my crotch is.

And I'm just like, what do I do right now? So I get up. I just got up. So my balls weren't brushing against her head anymore. I got up and sat there. Well, stood there her head anymore i got up and and sat there in the well stood there and the flight attendant was like is everything okay and uh she was like i can't find my phone i don't know where my phone is i lost my phone my assistant i think might have my phone and the woman's like sweetie you're by yourself and she goes where am i going what's

happening she's like we're headed to indiana and she's like why am i going to indiana what i know i know i again don't do drugs don't mix drugs and alcohol kids don't do drugs but don't mix them this is this lady i thought i had the one of the crazier stories with my ex crackhead on the plane oh dude this gets crazier so god know. So she is on the floor looking for this phone. Can't find it. Sits back up. Flight attendant's like can I look through your bag?

Can I look through your bag? Is there anything in your bag? Maybe you left it in there. Pulls away the bag. Girl's like it's not in my bag. I looked. It's not in my bag.

Flight attendant pulls out two phones. She's like I found your phones and she looks up and goes there's my phones And then just goes back to her seat So the flight attendant gives her her bag She sits back down next to me

And at this point I'm so Tired And so buzzed that I'm just All I want to do is sleep All I want to do is sleep I've been up since like 5am I just don't want to deal with this anymore. This girl gets down off her seat in the area between the back of the seat in front of you and your seat.

She got down. She squeezed down into there and curled up like she was in a fetal position and started just mumble talking. In a fetal position. And started just mumble talking. And the problem was I couldn't understand what she said because I wanted to be there for her because it felt like she was going through some shit. Yeah. She starts mumble talking and I'm like, uh-huh, yeah, okay, yeah. Apparently I mumble talked my way into getting another drink for the two of us.

So at this point we're on drink five. And she's like, cheers, and we drink. And then she almost burst into tears and she's like i'm gonna die alone i'm gonna die alone and i was just like oh no we need to so i look at the flight attendant i give her the signal like do not give us any more alcohol just give us waters after she's done sort of sobbing a little bit gets up asks for another drink flight attendants like oh, I can only give you water now. And she's like, give me bottle water then. And the woman's like, oh, okay. She pours a giant, one of those giant airplane bottles of water into a little cup, gives it to her.

And the girl looks at me, she goes, you drink this water. I'm like, what? She's like, it's from a cup. I don't want it. I need it in a bottle. I'm like, it came from a cup i don't want it i need a bottle i'm like it came from a bottle i need a small bottle of water oh my god okay so i drank the water and i was like i think i think we're good i just want a beer can i get a beer that's not even alcohol the flight attendants like dear i'm sorry i can't let you and i get i'm like i'm gonna go to the bathroom i'll be back i get up to go to the

bathroom the flight attendants like i realized who it. I'm like, I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'll be back. I get up to go to the bathroom. The flight attendant's like, I realized who it is. I was like, uh-huh. Okay. She goes, I've never had a celebrity on my plane before. So I come back. She is now standing in her seat, looking out the window, like staring out the window. No one has said anything, by the way. No one has done anything. Everyone on the plane is okay with it i think because most people know who she is so they're just like what do we do right so i

sit down i mean even if you don't know she's just like oh she's just some lady don't do what she's doing yeah it was so i sat back down she then proceeds to sit her butt on the armrest in between the two seats. And then her legs across my lap. And she lays her head on my shoulder and starts, like, whimpering to herself about how she's never been loved. And she just wants someone to hold her. And I'm like, oh, my God, what is happening right now? I look around for the flight attendant. She is nowhere to be seen.

I don't know if she went to the bathroom. I've never seen this on a plane, ever. Never have I seen anyone do this on a plane, ever. Yeah. So she then proceeds to look over the seats in front of us, the two men in front of us. So she then proceeds to look over the seats in front of us, the two men in front of us. Two men in front of us, one I think worked for the NFL and one was an Asian businessman who spoke no English. She puts her head up over the seat and is like, can one of you get me a beer? And the NFL guy's like, I'm sorry, I don't drink, I can't.

And the Asian businessman just looks at her. Sorry, I don't drink. I can't. And the Asian businessman just looks at her. She then vaults herself up over their seats and sits on the armrest and like holds the two of the men and like flirts with them a little bit. And I was like, oh my God, what is happening right now? I was looking around. Everyone's asleep around me.

No one is looking at what's going on right now. She has, she is is sitting on the armrest What the shit I've never seen anything like this So she starts flirting with these guys And one of the guys looks back at me And I give them the like I don't know

And Finally she gets up Comes back around And right then the flight attendant shows up again As the flight attendant shows up again. As the flight attendant shows up again, she comes to sit back down, and she notices the woman across from us, in the row across from us, she apparently has been awake the entire time, question mark? And she has a drink in her hand.

And so she sees this drink, and this girl's like, can I have a sip of your drink? And the woman's like no i'm sorry sweetheart you can't and she sort of reaches over to get it and rubs her boobs like across the face of the guy who's in the aisle next to this woman and the guy wakes up from sleeping and looks and he goes what are you doing and she's like i just want a drink and the guy's like ma'am please sit down she's like i'm not gonna sit down i want that drink and he goes would you please sit the fuck down and the girl looks at him looks at me walks back over to her seat in a huff sits down next to me and i swear to you says what i only have ever heard in irony she says does he know who i am he can't talk to me that way.

And I swear to you, I was like, whoa, no, no. Do not get like this. Please don't get like this. We are not there yet. I don't want to have to ground the plane. Please don't get this. She takes her hat, her sailor beanie hat, and chucks it at this guy.

Hits him right in the head. The guy immediately pings the flight attendant. The flight attendant comes out and he starts yelling about this girl. Meanwhile, people around the plane are starting to wake up. They're starting to notice something's going on. I'm like, oh no. And this girl's losing her mind. She's freaking out ready to fight this guy.

I'm like, oh my god, why am I stuck between these two? The flight attendant comes over and tries to talk her down. And this girl's like, you tell her, you tell her, you tell her how good of a person I am. You tell her. I'm like, I hear she's a very good person. And I was just like, I don't...

I think they both overreacted and I feel like maybe we could settle this in a way that isn't Indiana. Thank you. So finally the flight attendant gets this girl to calm down. And she proceeds to curl up in sort of a fetal position in her seat. And then like start to go to sleep. And I'm like, oh my God, thank you. I can finally get some rest and just then the captain comes on

and is like alright we are preparing our landing for Indianapolis and I almost cried I was so worn out I was so worn out I almost cried so as we get up to get off the plane when it finally

lands I get up grab my stuff I'm ready to get off the plane when it finally lands, I get up, grab my stuff. I'm ready to get off, and I feel someone scratch my back behind me, and it's just this girl scratching my back. She's like, you're nice. And I'm just like, thank you. I go to get up off the plane, and the last thing I hear her say, as loud as humanly possible, oh, Jesus. I need a back rub and some Coke.

And that's the last thing I heard. I booked out of there so quickly. Yep. That, kids, is why you don't go to Hollywood. And can I tell you the best part of this story? Later that day, while telling this story to friends, because I was like, oh, well, she took my phone for a while. I wonder if anything happened.

She literally took a photo of herself searching for her phone. But more importantly, put her phone number in my phone. What? So I have this girl's phone number. What? Yeah. No, I have not called it. I'm terrified to do so but i have it that is wow yeah yep that's like that's like a once in a life they're not even a lifetime it's a once in

a something time yeah yeah well once in a something time story it uh it was crazy it was one of the craziest things i've ever experienced ever and on the way to indiana of all places on the way to india i did not expect that to happen yeah it was insane it was the longest three three and a half hours of my life i can't even it wore me out it wears me out just retelling the story that was like yeah it took almost as long to tell the story as it did to live through the story that's true it was it was an event uh yeah and here i am just going to stores and smelling deodorant yep i guess we should go to the ad but i I don't know where to go from here. Yeah, we should probably go to the ad.

Let me tell you about Blue Apron. Now, a lot of you out there probably are terrible cooks. I'm just going to say it. You're millennials. You're all terrible cooks. That's just a fact. That's a fact. I've made some fantastic dishes, all right?

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i also had the garlic and soy glazed shrimp and it was very good oh my god i love that one yeah that's the uh chrissy tegan uh recipe chrissy tegan garlic soy glazed shrimp with charred broccoli and hot green pepper sauce let me tell you that was a spicy mama mia if i've ever had one yeah it was a spicy mama mia it was very good i just ordered some blue aprons so i got some coming to me. I'm excited. Yeah, I'm actually getting the... What do I got coming up? I got the Korean-style beef with sesame bok choy marinated carrots. I got Cajun shrimp tacos with marinated vegetables and cotija cheese. And Chrissy Teigen's Chinese chicken salad.

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Even people like us can do it. It's crazy. I know you don't believe it but trust us it's possible well i think one of the best parts is you get to keep the recipes they give you so you can just like go make a pass recipe yourself just go to the store like we've done that with uh it was like black bean and onion tacos with like some other thing spicy black bean and caramelized onion tacos. We went to the store, bought the ingredients again, made it again because it was so good.

And that's an amazing thing as well. You don't have to even listen to the recipes. You don't have to follow the recipes. It gives you everything you need to just make the food you want to make too. If you're like, I don't like this recipe or this one vegetable I don't like, you can make your own thing. It's legit. It's legit. It is legit. So check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash

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All right, well, what should we do now? Should we jump to chapter 7 of The Guy with the Credit Dollar? I guess so. How's that traffic out there? Uh, hey. Well, let's see. Traffic out there. There's actually no traffic because we're recording this at like 2 a.m.

I see like three cars. One car looks like it's a school bus with nobody in it that's kind of weird that car over there is just a red sports car and then there's a black Tesla over there hey looking good I mean if you're gonna go anywhere this is the time to go just 2 a.m. hey everyone to go anywhere 2 a.m. just go out for a nice ride and just grab yourself a couple blue aprons, sit in the back of your motorized vehicle, and let it auto-drive. Although I don't know, there's been a lot of auto-drive incidents where they're like, oh, don't let your car auto-drive. So I don't know, I'm just going to always drive my car, I think.

I'll be in control, just like I am in the chopper copter back to you thanks creditor now let's over to the weather desk creditor how's that weather weather desk we've got crazy weather out there activated four seven five four four seven jasper indiana okay hey ind Indiana 75 degrees Fahrenheit Clear skies Feels like 75 degrees Fahrenheit High

Low 72 degrees Fahrenheit UV index 0 Next 36 hours 72 degrees Fahrenheit Clear skies

Warm Humid Low 72 Winds light and variable. Sunday, mostly sunny, 93 degrees, Fahrenheit sunny, along with afternoon clouds, stray showers or thunderstorm possible. I-93 winds south at 5 to 10 miles per hour. Sunrise, 6, 23 a.m. Sunset, 9 623 a.m. Sunset, 914 p.m.

That was pretty simple. He nailed it that time. Yeah, we've been doing some tweaks and really got the whoppy algorithms. Yeah, the algorithms are all rhythming. Yeah, he's rhythming those algorithms. Soon he's going to be wrapping the weather report. Oh, boy. I can't wait for that.

It's going to be great. Let me tell you. Yeah, I bet. You just got to keep filling them up with Skeddy, and before you know it. He'll have enough Skeddy. All the wires will be noodles. Yeah, his knees will be weak. Arms are heavy.

Mom Skeddy. Mom Skeddy. Yep. That's the weather. What is happening in sports sports uh not much is happening in sports honestly it's just baseball now the uh warriors won the nba is happening oh yeah that's right fifa everyone around here like the other day we went out to lunch and it was i've never seen it so packed it was like 11 in the morning and people were sitting there at the bar drinking and cheering and everyone was like yeah soccer so

that thing is like it's one of those things where i think we care slightly less because america's not in it right yeah no screw fifa america's not in it but if we ever got into the world cup oh my God. We'd be like, yeah, we're the best! Until we lost. Then we'd be like, it's all a hack. We've done that before. We'll keep doing it. But yeah, I like to turn it on.

Just like in the background sometimes. Like, hey, World Cup. Or like, I'll watch it for a little bit. But, I mean, aside i've met i'm not big i'm not a big soccer soccer football guy you know pele's not playing anymore yeah really that was that was the height of of soccer yeah there's ronaldo and there's messy but uh they're no pele's they're not pale they're pretty good but they're not Pele. Ronaldo scored six goals in a game or something, but I heard Pele scored like 20. Yeah, they're

no Beckham. Yeah, they can't bend it. They can't bend it. NBA drafts coming up next week. I'm actually pretty excited for that. And then baseball is still happening. Still going on.

It's going to be here until October. It's going to be here until October. Cubs won. That's good. I think they're in first place still. Go Cubs. And then hockey. The Capitals did end up winning.

They beat Vegas. Yep. So Washington finally got their Stanley Cup. Ovechkin finally got one. Good for him. And then the Warriors won the NBA Finals, and the Cavaliers lost four in a row. And then everyone's like, where's LeBron going?

So people think he's going to LA. You know what? If LeBron came to LA, it would be fitting. It would be fitting. It probably would. I would like it because he'd leave the Eastern Conference, and then he wouldn't have to play the Bulls anymore. And apparently LeBron, people think he's just going to go to L.A. to like get into the movie and entertainment business because he's like already produced 10 movies or something. So they think he just wants to like, you know, he's already been to like a bunch of NBA finals.

He's won the MVPs. He's won NBA finals. Lost them. At this point, he's like, yeah, let's go there. That's what I think he's going to do now. You know what? That's fine. Put him in movies.

Him and Seth Rogen can make a good comedy. Put him in movies. Put him in the Staples Center. Put him in the Lonzo Ball. Yeah. LeAngelo Ball, whatever his name is. The Lonzo Ball. The Lonzo Ball. Yeah. LiAngelo Ball, whatever his name is. The Lonzo Ball. The Lonzo Ball.

Yep. That'll be fun. It's my favorite ball of the year. The best gala. Yeah. Gala. That's right. That's right.

That's right. Gala. Are you looking up the term gala? Gala. Noun and term gala? Gala. Noun and adjective. C-oromo. What? What?

It says C-oromo. Look up G-A-L-A. What did you type in? G-A-L-L-A. No, G-A-L-A. What's a romo? God damn it. G-A-L-A.

Even you're tripping me up. What's a Romo? G-A-L-A. Even you're tripping me up. A Romo is a member of a nomadic pastoral people of Ethiopia and Kenya. Oh my God. Oh my God. All right, I got a Gala apple.

Yeah. Yes. A Gala. Also works. A social. Let's see. It's pronounced Gala. Whatever.

Oh my God. Maybe. A social occasion. Maybe because you're not a blue blood like me you pronounce it i pronounce it vase and gala i'm sorry you say tomato i say tomato uh-huh exactly you say potato i say potato let's call the whole thing off social occasion of special entertainment all right so it's a gala. So it's like a... Dude, if you get a gala apple, it's like a special entertainment apple. Yeah, it's an entertainment apple. The big apple.

Damn, I didn't know that. I guess you're welcome for educating me. Dude, why don't they call it the big gala? Maybe they do. That should be New York slang. Maybe they... The big gala. Only if you're in the know do you know it's the big gala.

Somebody like, ah, I see the big gala's doing well today. And they're like, what are you, this person on drugs? They just listened to this podcast, which is pretty much the same thing. Yeah. That's sports. Okay, then what is our big

news story of the day? Alright, big news story of the day all right big news story of the day i think i had one naked florida man storms into stranger's house attacks them with rake seen retrieving underwear from swamp before fleeing that's our story that's the story new york wait newport richie florida attacked was the guy's name. I thought you were about to tell me his name was Newport Richie. I would have been so happy. I'm Newport Richie and I'm here to tell you a story about how I got away with it.

Call me Newport Richie. That's Florida Maine's greatest nemesis now. Newport Richie. Oh no, not the gray storm. It's Newport Richie. He smokes a pack of Newports every

day. He always has a switchblade. Yeah. It's like, hey, man, how you doing? Don't touch my Newports. Then he pops his switchblade open. Like, all right, all right. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Almost choked. He just smells of that, like, super strong nicotine. Oh, yeah. He's menthol smells. Yeah. Like there's like normal cigarettes and then there's like menthol strong Newport cigarettes. That's what Newport Richie smells like.

But he folds them up in his sleeve. So he has like the pack in his sleeve. He basically looks like he's from the 1950s. He's a greaser. Yeah. Newport Richie. But with a mullet. A greaser with a mullet the front is all grease the back is like

wavy party in the back yeah yeah and then he's uh yeah it smells like that and garbage all right newport richie attacked by a naked man swinging a raccoon the victim in this case, fought back. He grabbed a hammer and went to town. What? Alright, we're off to the start. What an amazingly written article. He grabbed a hammer and went to town.

Armed with a yard rake, the accused attacker met his match when the victim grabbed a hammer. Deputy Maurice Castaneda, not wearing a stitch of clothes, barged into Bill and Crystal Colwell's home. God, if you would have said barged into Bill and Crystal Metheny's home, that would have been my best story ever.

I would have capped it off. Looked up, and here's a naked guy in my house and i instantly started screaming get out of my house and he didn't get out that's what bill colwell said so bill shoved him so bill shoved him into the side yard he said castaneta grabbed his rake. He shattered it a few times, because I think the last time might have been over my head, because I got a couple of lumps on my head, said Bill.

Crystal tossed her husband a hatchet, but he had a better weapon in his truck. A hammer. Whoa, whoa, Crystal was like, here, take this hatchet. That's incredible. It's probably Crystal Methamine. Crystalet over. Yeah, take this hatchet. That's incredible. It's probably crystal methadine. Crystal methadine. Yeah, take this hatchet.

Wouldn't you want to hatchet over a hammer? I guess he was like, don't tell me what to do, woman. And he got a hammer instead. The guy bowed up and said, what are you going to do with that? And Billy hit him. He just kept coming at Billy and Billy just kept hitting him, said Crystal. Holy shit.

What are you going to do with that? This dude could have killed me. He would have killed me. He was aggressively coming at me even with his weapons in my hand. He had no fear. Castaneda. All I can picture

is this naked man running at him, getting repeatedly hit with this hammer over and over again. He holds his rake. He just gets more mad and tries to do it again. So he's just like, he's coming at you with a rake and then he doesn't expect you to bring out the

hammer. He had countered. That's what it boils down to. You try to play your big spell and then they got a blue deck and they play cancel and they counter your spell. You're screwed. Yeah. And the games. Yeah. I've been playing a lot

of Magic the Gatherer. I can tell. I can tell. Also, blue deck? Gross. Blue deck's disgusting. I don't play that. It's for garbage humans that like to delay games to make it 20 minutes long. Blue-white deck? You're basically the devil. Yeah, basically. I'm not gonna lie.

It's probably what Billy was because he just kept hitting him. The dude could have killed me. He would have killed me. He was aggressively coming at me, even with weapons in my hand. He had no fear. Castaneda retrieved his boxers from a nearby swamp and took off. Wait, so he got hit by a hammer and then grabbed his box and ran away?

I like that he took the time to take his boxers off in the swamp as not to get them dirty. He doesn't want to get his boxers off in the swamp as not to get them dirty he doesn't want to get his boxers dirty when he assaults this couple so he leaves them in the swamp as one would yeah well i guess they must have been pretty close to the swamp then oh this definitely seems like a swamp people kind of thing this is a swamp this definitely feels like a swamp people story there needs to be a swamp people twitter. Swamp? You know there is. You know there is. There's gotta be.

A canine and a chopper found him a few streets away. Oh my god. That sounds like a game. Canine chopper have located him. Canine chopper here. That's what the

chopper is. It's canine chopper. Canine chopper. It's like a big dog helicopter. Yeah. Made out of a dog. When it locates people it starts barking. Arf. Like a big dog helicopter. Made out of a dog. When it locates people, it starts barking. The cop told us yesterday

the best thing we should do is get a gun now. Said Crystal. What? That's okay. Both victims are convinced Castaneda was on drugs. He is in jail facing burglary, battery, and assault charges. I like how the cop is the best thing you should do is get a gun.

The best thing you should do, buy a gun. Yep, that seems like it. I mean, hammer worked. Yeah, the hammer did just fine. If anything, this proves you don't need a gun. A hammer will do just fine. A hammer, this proves you don't need a gun. A hammer will do just fine. A hammer in every home and a chicken in every pot. Damn right.

If it was good enough for grandpa, it's good enough for us. Let's get back to some good old hand-to-hand combat. Back like they did in the medieval age. Crendor 2020. Let's get back to some good old hand-to-hand combat. We'll be taking your guns away and giving you all long swords or crossbows. Your choice. Ooh, I'll take a crossbow, please.

Crossbow in every pot. All right. Well, that is it for us this week. Thank you. Man, I'm still laughing about that. Newport Ritchie. Newport Richie. Newport Richie. I love Newport Richie. I love Newport Richie. I feel like

we can just make a shirt that just says Newport Richie on it and that'd be it. That's the shirt. It says a rake on it. Newport Richie. That's it. That's all it needs to say. We should just make a whole brand of clothing called Newport Richie and just sell Newport Richie brand clothing. It. That's all I need to say. We should just make a whole brand of clothing called Newport Richie and just sell Newport Richie brand clothing. It all smells like nicotine.

It all has perfect places to put your cigarettes. We could make one of those commercials that's like, now a shirt designed with 15 places to put your cigarettes. Never before has there ever been a shirt designed for the smoker in your life. And then you wouldn't have to worry about it getting, you know, smelling like smoke.

Because it already smells like smoke. Newport Ritchie. Damn right. Problem solved. Problem solved. All right. Well, that's it for us. We got to stop.

We got to stop. This episode is too jam-packed with things already. All right. Well, that's it for us. I'm dying here. Thank you so much for watching. And we will see you next time. And as always, to be continued.