Cox n' Crendor Show - Episode 165 - Bear Mace Bullies

Episode Date: September 24, 2018

The boys are back and this time Jesse discovers his Hendrix shirt may not be the best thing to wear around Venice Beach, CA, Crendor has a dream home, and dude protects his store with a bong! All this and more, on this brand new episode of Cox n' Crendor! Try Hims for $5 at http://forhims.com/coxED Get 15% off your first pair at http://meundies.com/crendor

Today's episode is brought to you by MeUndies. MeUndies. Have Star Wars prints now. That's all you need to know. That's all you need to know. That's all you need to know. It's going to blow your damn mind. We're going to talk about it later.

Also, today's episode is brought to you by 4Hims.com. Your one-stop shop for wellness for your male business. We'll talk about that later as well. All right, let's jump into this show. Hello, everybody. It's time for Ghost on Trending. Ghost on Trending in the morning. In the morning. Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live.

In four-hour recording studios. Recording. Wake your ass up. It's the next Crendor in the morning! Hello everybody and welcome back to another exciting episode of Cox and Crendor in the morning! Hey. Hi. Hello? Hello? Hello? Crendor? Hi. Hello? Hello? Hello? Paging. 1, 2, 3. Paging. One, two, three.

Was that your telegraph noise? Yeah. I thought you were doing some sort of like Cowboy Bebop thing. I didn't know. Oh, God. Somebody outside just revved their engine. What the hell was that? It sounded like you farted. What? Somebody outside just revved their engine. What the hell was that? Sounded like you farted. What?

Somebody outside just revved their supercar. That's like Prime Sunday. Every Sunday, everybody that owns a loud car or a motorcycle comes out to drive it. Man, that's not the case with me. There's just one guy on my block who has the loudest motorcycle that ever existed and at like midnight Decides to drive it up and down the street My theory is that

It's a person who can't actually ride a motorcycle So they take it out at night So they can practice And they're like I'm like holy shit I think I might be broken dude I'm Like oh lord Speaking of which

Today I went to go leave To come to the office to record stuff And the parking garage Gate Was broken There was about 30 cars all lined up Waiting to get out but then no one could back up because no one was willing to back up.

Everyone was just stuck there. People went to the front office. They're like, the thing won't open. We can't get out. And they're like, okay, we'll be there shortly. I was there like 20 minutes waiting. But I was fine. I was like, listen to music and just sitting there. Took a little nap in the car and just waited.

And everyone else, this is why I know that I've become too chill for L.A. Everyone else is like out of their car, walking around, looking all pissed, like talking to each other, like, this is unbelievable. Oh, I know, this is terrible. And I was just like, shit happens, y'all. Like, get over it. There's nothing you or I can do right now. So relaxed.

And they're like, I'm so mad right now. I was like, what do you want to happen? Do you think you're angry? Are you going to hulk out and open the gate? If that's going to happen, awesome. I'd love for that to happen. But until then, you're not going to do anything. So eventually, one of the apartment complex managers and one of the random worker guys comes out.

And they fix it and they open it. Best part was is the, the, um, like janitorial guy starts lifting up the gate and one of the guys in the cars behind me gets out, runs all the way down and arrives just in time to help him with the last, like two seconds of lifting. And he's like,

he's walking back looking all tough. I'm like, you did it, dude. You really did it. It was because of you And uh Everyone started like zooming out of there all angry

And I like rolled up to the lady From the reception area and the janitorial guy Was like hey thank you And then I drove off And they were so happy That someone like thanked them for you know Saving us from that hell Ugh people in this town are dickholes.

The other day, my mom was down in her parking garage. And some, like, I don't know, some L.A. hipster with a little tiny dog. The dog was, like, barking at my mom. And the parking garage is huge. And I guess the person, person like yelled at my mom For not getting out of the way of her little dog And my mom was like She messaged me pissed off

She's like you better tell people in LA That one day little old ladies might get really mad And I was like oh shit I think it's LA people are just dicks sometimes Wow I think so Well it's cause everyone in just dicks sometimes. Wow. I think so. Well, it's because everyone in LA thinks they're better than everyone.

That's definitely true. Everyone here thinks they're hot shit. And I'm just like, oof, I guess. I mean, sure. Whatever. Do you know who I am? I have John Johnson as my agent. I've starred in such films as Star Spangled War.

Star Spangled War and Dick Bangers 2. Dick Bangers 2 is great. It's not what you think, though. It's not what you think. It's about two men named Richard. It's that. It's people who are either up their own butts or it's crazy, crazy homeless dudes.

I have a shirt that I love to wear. It's like a Jimi Hendrix shirt, but every time I wear it, I told you last week about the guy in Costco, right? This time I was at, uh, Ralph's, which is like a grocery store and I was getting coffee and going to do some shopping because they have a Starbucks in the grocery store Because why the hell not And so I was going around And I was gonna do shopping

And this guy who definitely was from the east coast Because he had like that Hey, okay He had that voice But was like He had the dirty features of like a hippie homeless dude Who lives on Venice Beach Yeah

He was going he was standing outside As I'm walking up going on And on about all sorts of crazy Shit I remember the first thing I heard him say Was something along the lines of like That's why women shouldn't be allowed to have the vote Because they're crazy And they talk too much I think because he was

Like yelling at a woman the woman woman told him to piss off. He was yelling back at her. And then he started talking about he couldn't handle California. Because back east, people would treat you with respect. And I was like, that's not true. I don't know where the hell you're from, pal. That's not true. And he started going off.

And then as I walk up past him, he looks at me and goes, Hendrix? Oh, I love Hendrix. And he follows me in and starts talking to me while I'm getting coffee. And I'm like, oh, my God. Again, Crandor, why do people, especially the homeless, think that I'm like their guy? They love talking to me. Homeless dudes love talking to me. And I can't figure out out do I look like I

do I dress like I am just like yeah I just came up the street to wait why did he say Hendrix are you wearing like a I was I was wearing the same Jimi Hendrix shirt that I had on last week and I he was like Hendrix oh yeah man let me tell you one time I hung out with Hendrix dad and I was like what are you doing man and he's like except except I'm doing a Hendrix's dad and I was like, what are you doing, man? And he's like, except I'm doing a voice that's not his voice. Really, I should be doing, oh, see, I was like, okay, Hendrix

did. Let me tell you something, man. And I was like, it was incredible. And he did this whole story about him and Hendrix's dad. He's like, it's goober over here. He was getting high on shrooms and I was like, what are you doing? Don't you know that high on shrooms. And I was like, what are you doing? Don't you know that shit killed your son?

And I was like, I don't know anything about Hendrix's dad. Was his dad alive? It hit me later. Like, maybe all this was insane. Hold on. Hendrix's dad. Yeah, we need to know. Is Jimmy's dad?

I don't know. Jimmy Hendrix's Tied in 2002. So I guess it's possible? I guess it is possible. I guess it's possible this guy could have had shrooms with Jimi Hendrix dead. Needless to say, he was just like, oh, I'm going to tell you something else, kid. You got to learn this. Don't take anything in life for credit. Can I have a cup of coffee? And I'm like to tell you something else, kid. You got to learn this. Don't take anything in life for credit.

Can I have a cup of coffee? And I'm like, what? No, you can't have a cup of coffee. And the woman at the counter is like, I got him. I got him. She gives him a cup of coffee, but it's like one of those little sample cups. Oh, yeah. And he looks at it.

He goes, what the fuck is this? And she's like, it's coffee. And he's like, you're going to give me this and tell me that this is a cup of coffee? And I was just like, dude, it's free. And he got so mad. He's like, I don't want free coffee. I want you to buy me coffee. And we're in the middle of a store.

The Asian dude's making sushi because it's in the morning. All the employees there are looking. No one's doing anything about it. They're just all watching this guy freak out. The barista's just like, sir, he doesn't want to buy you a cup of coffee. I didn't want to give you this cup of coffee. He looks at me and he

goes, women, this is why they stay at home and don't get jobs. And I was like, dude, I think you need to go outside and chill. I was like, it's been fun talking to you. We need to leave. And he's like, oh, it's been fun talking to me? No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not a clown. I was like, get the fuck. In my mind, I'm like, get out of here. You're Joe Pesci. Get out of here. I'm being punked right now. I was like, this isn't real. I'm being punked.

I'm not a clown. And he walked out and went outside and huffed and puffed and sat on one of the column stoops and was so mad. And I looked at the barista and she looks at me and she goes, he's here four days a week. I was like, holy shit. I was like, holy shit. You're a saint for dealing with this. Just another day.

Yeah. When I went out there as I left, he was gone. But I couldn't, I can't even imagine dealing with him four times a week. Holy crap. That is. It was dealing with him four times a week. Holy crap. That is... It was a lot. It was a lot. And I again, I don't know why I have the look of like someone who's chill

to talk to, but I'm not gonna like put up with you if you're a crazy person. If you're insane, I'm not gonna put up with you. I'm gonna be like, I got shit to do, crazy. Well, the thing is, I think he probably would have ignored you if you didn't have the Jimi Hendrix shirt on. That's what I'm thinking. Oh, I guarantee he would have said something because he was shouting at everyone going in.

But it wouldn't have been like talking to me. Yeah. Right? He would have been like, get in there, big butt or something. I don't know. I don't know what he would have said. Get in there, big butt. Big butt.

Aye, aye, Captain. That would have been like oh thank you sir uh yeah i don't know i don't know what he would have said but he saw my shirt and just followed me in i was like dude no i don't have time for this oh my god yeah so that happened Well I haven't had any crazy people Talk to me So I've been lucky in that scenario I mean you have But you look like

When crazy people look at you they think Maybe he's the crazy one Yeah They see you and they say Maybe I shouldn't go up to him He looks like a crazy one Hopefully Cause then I'll never have people Crazy people talk to me They see you and they say, maybe I shouldn't go up to him. He looks like a crazy one. Hopefully.

Because then I'll never have people, crazy people talk to me. That's great. I don't have that issue. People are never afraid to talk to me. Never. I always said you're like a lighthouse of social activity. You just, like, the boats get drawn into you. That's not how that works.

You're supposed to avoid the lighthouse Because that's where the rocks are Listen they never make it to the lighthouse I'm like a black hole of social activity I suck you in And then when you get pulled in by me You're done you're finished You're trapped in time Time slows down

However it works Yeah and then you dissolve into particles She's trapped in time. Yeah, time slows down. However it works. Yeah, and then you dissolve into particles. You're like, Mr. Jesse, I don't feel so good. That's it. Then you're done. That's a lot of LA. Yeah, that's a... I had...

This past week flew by. I don't... I did so much nonsense, and I just don't even remember half of it. I went and saw Crazy Rich Asians last night. That was fun. Oh, yeah. How was that? Everyone in that movie was great.

Everyone in the movie was great. The star was the friend played by the delightful Awkwafina. That's her name. She's a rapper. Yeah. Fucking hilarious. She was great. She was so funny.

And so, yeah yeah I really enjoyed it I was like this is a delightful movie Aquafina like the water Like the water But spelled totally differently She has a real She has a real name but it's like Like Aquafina but if you're trying to spell awkward

As well Oh I get it well she should get a sponsorship With Aquafina I agree Probably she has one but uh She was great and the main character You could immediately get why Why this dude was in love with her cause like

She has the best personality ever And then um The sister Gemma Chan who's like Gorgeous but like Too gorgeous but when you look at her you're like You're too beautiful You're just like There's attractive and then there's

Too like you're too attractive I'm scared to talk to you Yeah like I feel like You're not a real person like this is some Uncanny valley shit Yeah yeah you don't seem Real uh and then The grandmother was just like A cutie pie and uh The uncanny valley shade Yeah you don't seem real And then The grandmother was just like a cutie pie

And all the Characters were great The weird creepy brother who like Was basically like an otaku hentai guy It's It's so good I loved it So I had a good time That was a fun flick

A fun flick I would recommend it It's no Mandy which we need to see So, I had a good time. That was a fun flick. A fun flick. Yeah, I would recommend it. It's no Mandy, which we need to see. Uh, wait, no Manwich. Mandy! Mandy! No Mandy, it's like what Mandy? Nick Cage, Mandy. No, it's no Manwich. It's no meaty sandwich.

Why is it called a flick? Because it flickers. What? I didn't know that. Because back in the day, the screen would like, because the light and the projector. Whoa. I never knew that. Now you know something.

Now you learn. That's all I'm going to say. I want to let you know that I just made that up. And if it's true i'm a genius and if it's not true then you know what he learned something fake today why is a movie called if it's right if it's right i'm a goddamn genius you might think early movies got called flickers and then flicks because they flick through a series of images it's not that early films are damaged, though sometimes they are. It's that they are never shown on their original equipment.

Wait, what? Uh-huh. The earliest movies had rather low frame rate. Yeah, so you can see the flicker. Yeah, so you can see the flicker. I was right. Yeah, you're right. I didn't even know that. I didn't even know that was true.

Well, you got it right. There's going to be somebody like, well, actually, I knew the man who invented the word flick, and he says you're wrong. If that person is listening right now, we have a wide-ranging audience. We have our pulse on the nation, if that's the case. If that person, if we have that person we have transcended podcasting we should have a radio show let's see

the light in early projectors is a very early arc lamp this is a form of lighting that goes back to the 1800s it is in its most primitive form involves running two different levels of voltage through two carbon rods touch them together and the current between them vaporizes the tips of the carbon rods.

This is too much science for me. It sounds like too much science. This is why we got a movie through the projectors needed tending, and even the best attendants found their lamps sputtering and shimmering and the images on the screen flickering in front of their faces. And that seems like very 50s culture-esque, right? Yeah. You have that like, hey, hey, girl.

That guy you hung out with, Jimi Hendrix's dad probably called it a flick. He probably invented the word. No, that's a flick. No, that's a flick. The Hendrix dad watched the oldest movie around. We made the first movie. It's true. We were both high off shrooms.

Damn, that was a good flick. Yeah, that's why, you know, like, all the names for movies, right? Movie is because it was a mover. Because it moved. Film is because that's what was on. Motion picture is because it was a picture that moved. Then they call it pictures because that's like, go see the pictures.

Yeah. And then features, go see a feature because it's a feature film because it's the important film. Like, it all makes sense. I just think that, you know, the English language is very cute like that. Yeah. And hard to learn because of that. Yeah. Stupid English language. very cute like that yeah and hard to learn because of that yeah stupid english language uh so i didn't really do anything this week but i did come up with a question i wanted to ask you

oh boy here we go yeah i'm ready i'm ready for this so we've talked about what we do and we won the lottery so we already know that but i know that somebody when i was streaming was like crendor if you had a mansion like what would you do with it and i was like there'd be too many rooms to like do stuff with like i don't need that many rooms but then i started thinking and i was like what kind of crazy rooms could i actually come up with and so i know for a fact i'd make an asmr room and what does that mean time out what ASMR room. What does that mean? What does that mean exactly? So you know how some people like the sound

of rain, right? I love the sound of rain. What I'd do is I'd put so much money into crafting a room that had a realistic rain sound. I'd have a water sprayer thing that replicated the sound of rain with some... It'd be like a

room within a room but the outer room would be dedicated to making the rain sound so it would like spray the rain onto like a skylight in the room or something no i get this i get this this is oh my god crazy rich asians did it again so in that movie the big wedding moment that takes place uh minor spoilers if you are into scenes uh it doesn't spoil the movie, the big wedding moment that takes place. Minor spoilers if you are into scenes. It doesn't spoil the movie, but the wedding, when they all arrive at the wedding, everyone's making jokes about how it's in a church. It's in this beautiful church. Right.

But the church looks like, when they go inside of it, it's all reeds and leaves and stalks. The seats are covered in stalks of grass and it there's like the aisle is littered with petals and like little tiny flowers and it looks like they made it a field and one of the moms is talking shit on it she's like it looks like a like a rice field or something like that and so uh what happens is they lower the lights, and they have all these lanterns around, so it looks like suddenly you're outside, and they stream water down through the walkway. So the bride comes down on the water, and it's, like, gorgeous looking. And I was like, that is an amazing looking room right now. Because it's indoors inside a church, but it looks like it's outside at night, and there's running water and stuff.

That's kind of what you're talking about that is kind of what i'm talking about yo i'd love that and then like some super high quality like surround sound speakers play what i wanted uh just like it's i would go all out with crazy rooms like that like i wouldn't be like this room is just uh my library although i would have a cool library i think so every what would be in your library hold on what would be in your library what Although I would have a cool library, I think. What would be in your library? Hold on. What would be in your library? What books would you have there?

Oh, big ass fireplace, right? Obviously, one chair. Just one. It's a library for you, so there's one chair. A pipe. An old school pipe. Oh, one of those globes that when you open it up,

that's where you store your pipe and your tobacco. Yeah. Of course. But for you, it up that's where you store your pipe And your tobacco But for you it's not tobacco it's bubbles Yeah it's obviously Bubbles And then Whiskey glass with like the Ice cube

The fake ice cube in it Right right the metal ice cube And then just walls And walls of books that aren't real. What would be behind those books? Oh, you would open it up and it leads to, like, just video games. That would be, that's, oh my god, that's what I actually want. I think that's what I actually want.

Is when you walk into my, see, I would never get a mansion. I feel like I don't have a need for that much room. I don't have a need for that much room. If you had mansion money, let's say, I don't know, what do you think a mansion would cost in Chicago? What does a Chicago mansion cost? I think Oprah bought a mansion here for like $8 million. Sure, all right. Let's say you have $8 million to buy something.

I just buy like a really nice sky--rise, high-rise condo somewhere. Yeah. And one floor is all I need. I don't need all that much. I don't need all that much space of anything. Then I would go in, and I would take one room. I'd be like, you walk in, there's a nice foyer. It's a very lovely house

There's a little guest area where you can hang out And then there's the dining room And the bedroom, and then there's this book room And it's this gorgeous Covered wall to wall of books And many of them are real But there's one It's all books that I'll never read

But books that I picked up for like $1.50 And then you pull the lever And it opens Like, it's all books that I'll never read. Right. But books that I picked up for like $1.50. And then you pull the lever and it opens up and it's all like video games and shit. So I can pretend to be an adult but not really be one. Yeah. That'd be great. Yeah, that'd be great. That's my ideal library. And then I'd probably still have a basketball court just to have one.

You have a basketball court? Yeah, I still have a basketball court just to have one. You have a basketball court? Yeah, I'd have a basketball court. I want, like, one of those sex grottos. If I'm going to have a mansion, I would have a sex grotto. You know, like, it's a pool, but it's also not a pool. It's got the cave thing. Yeah, it's got, like, a cave. You know, a sex grotto.

You know. And what else? I would definitely have like a candy room i think notch in his mansion has a candy room a candy room where it's a room and all the walls are like containers of candy and you open up you can like get candy oh shit that'd be like a place where i'd have parties that's well you can choose the grotto, the candy room, the library. There's something for everyone. There's a room for everyone. If I have to have a candy room, I have to have an air quotes candy room where it's all drugs.

And acetaminophen. Yeah, yeah. It's basically all Tylenol, but it's just names that we've come up for. To deal with the pains you'll get from all the candy and the candy. Yeah, each one's something different, but it's all just Tylenol. It's like acetesimofan.

Pepto-based small water fountain. Yeah, aptamosimofan. It's all the different names, but it's just Tylenol. Yeah. That's pretty much just like the Playboy Mansion. That's all we're describing. Yeah, but, you know, without the stains. Yeah.

You know, without the stains. Modernized. Clean. Modernized Clean Modernized Fresh Fresh Clean Fresh It's so dirty

Clean Fresh Modern So what I'm saying is I don't really need a mansion But if I did I'd have an ASMR room Yeah

I've definitely concluded in my life i don't need a mansion it's just too much because then you have to deal with all the stuff that comes with having a mansion i don't want that i don't want to do with any of that yeah you gotta clean it you gotta take care of it you gotta hope you know there's not like a crazy man living in one of the rooms yeah because you can't be in every room yeah you don't. There could be a guy who just lives in the attic. Who's like, oh, you can never find me up here. He's like, wow, I never even checked up here. He's like, I've been living here for 42 years.

All right, well, keep on living, pal. Give him a little fist bump. Like, all right. No harm, no foul. All right, see you later, pal. Okay, cool. That could be a movie, actually. Call it, like, The Man in the Attic.

I was just thinking of that. Which makes me feel like that's the name of a movie already. It's got to be. Let's see. Hold on. The Man in the Attic. It is. There's many movies. But they're not, like, good.

I don't know. There's a man in the attic Oh nevermind that's a 5.8 But it starred Neil Patrick Harris What 1995 a married woman and archer Highs her teen lover Neil Patrick Harris In 1910 Milwaukee and keeps him as a secret tenant

For 20 years That's a true story Whoa Neil Patrick Harris. Damn. You dirty birdie. That is... That is something.

Man in the Attic. Jack Palance. Man in the Attic. Constance Smith and Byron Palmer. That's like 1953. Man in the Attic. Classic horror. Oh, it's a horror movie?

It's like living in the attic, probably just killing people or something. Oh, I guess that's true. Yeah, he watches them. Yeah. Is a sweat-stained remake, what? Of the off-filmed Mary Bellick Lounge suspense story, The Lodger. Jack Plants plays a mild, secretive pathologist. Yep.

Who rents an attic apartment in the heart of London. Palance falls in love with dancer Constance Smith, daughter of the landlady, but she doesn't seem interested. Meanwhile, several unsolved murders of women have been committed on the fog-bound London streets, and all the victims are showgirls. Unlike Hitchcock's twenty- Hitch- fuck me, I can't... Hitchcock's 26... 19... It's too early for me.

1926 version of The Lodger. Most likely suspect it's Jack the Ripper character, Hunter the Police. The only surprise in Man in the Attic is that London boobies... Oh, bobbies. This is not... This doesn't even tell you anything. I just want to know what the movie's about.

Yeah. London boobies. London boobies. The only surprise in this movie, I just love that this is how I read it. The only surprise in The Man in the Attic is that the London boobies didn't arrest Jack Allen. Those boobies will get anyone. London boobies will get you.

Remind me never to read again. Oh, my God. Listen, you got to get real books in your library. Oh, oof, oof. I don't know what was going on there. I think I had a mild stroke. I don't know. Landlord, there. I think I had a mild stroke. I don't know. The boobie.

Next I'll start selling you Jell-O. The boobies. Rudy. This is reverting back to your childhood brain. Rudy, cut the boobies In the jungle Pooing pops What voice is that

It sounds like that guy at Ralph's I guess what's happening You got like bit by him And now you're becoming him Oh my god I'm a were New Yorker No What are you doing? Stick away the sun don't shine.

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I don't know. It's a bra with a little lead on it. Exactly. It's a bra with a little bit of lettuce. It's 100% satisfaction guarantee. If you don't love them, just send them back for a full refund. Me undies is great for first-time purchasers. When you purchase me undies, you're going to get 15% off and free shipping

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That's MeUndies.com slash Crendor Me, Crendor, C-R-E-N-D-O-R MeUndies.com slash Crendor Alright Well Crendor. Me, Crandor. C-R-E-N-D-O-R meundies.com slash Crandor. All right. Well, Crandor, let's go to chapter seven of the Sky of the Crandor. Crandor, how's it going? Well, hey, we're recording this on a Sunday, so you look outside,

it's just a lot of old people out there driving around being like, where's my post-church brunch? Or where's my glasses? Or I should have my glasses if I'm driving the car. Oh, no, now I fell into a ditch. So watch out for that old man in a ditch on the 45. He's going to be there for a while. And help him find his glasses if he can. Back to you.

Thanks, Crennor. Now let's go over to Crennor at the weather desk. How's that weather? Hey, weather. Let's check out the weather for Woppy Activated. Bagwell, Texas. 71 degrees. Fahrenheit feels like 71 degrees. Fahrenheit.

Feels like 66 degrees. Fahrenheit. UV index 1 of 10. Tonight. Cloudy. Low. 66 degrees. Fahrenheit.

20% chance. Rain. Monday. 83 degrees. Fahrenheit. 20% chance. Rain. Monday night.

66 degrees. Fahrenheit. 10% chance. Rain. All right. Thanks, Woppy. rain monday night 66 degrees fahrenheit 10 chance rain all right thanks woppy he's doing it okay and let's go over to sports sports welcome to the sports desk uh it's football day by the way and a lot of football happening uh some crazy stuff actually so first thing the 49ers fear torn acl for jimmy garoppolo it's not good for them uh what is an acl that would be your uh ligament exactly okay yeah all right sure and where is that located uh it's behind your knee

uh of course yes that's a tender spot all right please yeah well you got your it's like a Exactly. Okay, yeah, alright, sure. And where is that located? It's behind your knee. Of course, yes. That's a tender spot. Alright, please continue. It's like a common injury. If you tear your ACL, you're out for like a year. Minimum. What happens when you pull your groin? You miss like a few weeks. I've had no problem and I've been pulling my groin for years.

I've been pulling my groin for years I've been pulling my groin my whole life Those football players, they're just wimps I've been pulling my groin for years Alright, please, that joke was a terrible setup to a joke Alright, continue So, let's see The Saints beat the Falcons Saints keep scoring like 80 points a game

Baltimore beat Denver Carolina beat Cincinnati Saints beat the Falcons. Saints keep scoring like 80 points a game. Baltimore beat Denver. Carolina beat Cincinnati. Houston lost to the Giants. Tennessee beat Jacksonville 9-6. What a thrilling game. Let's see. We got Kansas City beat San Francisco.

Miami beat Oakland. Buffalo beat Minnesota. How? How? I don't know. 27-6 at that. This is like the Browns. Yeah. What is going on this year?

What is happening? Yeah, that's the big thing. Cleveland also won a game. I know. How is it? The record right now is actually a good record. Yeah, they're like 1-1-1. They have the same record as the Packers.

And the Vikings. It's crazy to me. It's crazy. How? It is insane. And the Vikings. It's crazy. It is insane. And now they got Baker Mayfield. He knows how to throw the football. This is amazing. Truly, truly amazing.

If I want one team to win, it's going to be the Browns. If it's not the Packers, I want the Browns now. Yeah, and let me just say, for the record, as a Steelers fan, being a fan of the Steelers right now is a dark place because this is what you need to know. The Steelers are in the AFC North. In the AFC North are the Browns, the Bengals, and the Ravens. Three teams which are just ludicrously shit. Yeah.

And the Steelers almost always dominate the AFC North. Almost always. Ladies and gentlemen, current standings, the Bengals are 2-1, the Ravens are 2-1, the Browns are 1-1-1, the Steelers are 0-1-1. How is this possible? That's it. The Browns are not in

last place. This is incredible. The Browns are not the worst team This is incredible The Browns are not the worst team I think maybe the Raiders are the worst team right now The Raiders and the Texans Are both the worst team You know what I will say this Being a Browns fan is bad

But being a Raiders fan I think is worse because it means you have to dress up as well If you're going to be on that Losing train you got to dress up as well. Yeah. If you're going to be on that losing train, you've got to dress up and face paint and shit and get crazy. Well, they also – I think they're moving to Vegas next year. You know what? Good for them.

I would go to a Vegas Raiders game. Yeah. That would be crazy. If it's anything like the Vegas hockey, man, I want to see a Vegas – like a knight come out, but he's like dressed – but he's like a Raider, like a Viking Raider. Oh my God. Imagine the halftime show for that game.

Yeah. Oh my God. The halftime show would be amazing. I would do it for that. Yeah. You know what? I think, I think they got to move to Vegas at this point. Oakland's just wearing them down.

Yeah. So that's, I mean, Vegas will have some major teams. LA is going to have way too many teams. It's going to be great. And that's, I mean, Vegas will have some major teams. LA is going to have way too many teams. It's going to be great. And that's sports. Yeah, all right. Well, what is our big news story of the day? Big news story.

Big news story today, let me tell you. Uh-huh, I'm waiting. Huge, it's a huge news story. Biggest news story Airline passengers ears and noses bleed After pilots forgot to pressurize Cannon what the Oh my god that's terrifying That is terrifying

That's not funny at all That's terrifying People's eyes and noses bled Or no ears ears and nose Can I tell you I have Not this past year But in 2017 Or no, ears. Ears and nose. Yeah. Can I tell you? I have, not this past year, but in 2017, I flew a lot. And I remember one time I flew up and down like four weeks in a row,

just like flying constantly. And by the time I landed, My nose bled like crazy And it Had to do with the Going up and the pressurization Yeah oh yeah For like a week afterwards if I sneezed It was like bloody gross So it definitely happens

Your body can't adjust to all that stuff It was crazy Yeah That's some crazy shit I've experienced that, it's terrifying I was like, am I dying? No, it just happens when you fly a lot And I was like, okay

Well, alright, here's the better story Virginia man accused of rubbing produce On buttocks and putting it back on shelves I've often wondered accused of rubbing produce on buttocks and putting it back on shelves. I've often wondered if people do weird shit with the fruits and vegetables and stuff that's there, but okay. Michael Dwayne Johnson was arrested Saturday afternoon. The Rock?

I guess so. Michael Dwayne Johnson. From now on, address this man as The Rock, please. The Rock was arrested Saturday afternoon at the Giant Food Store after an employee called 911 about destruction of property. The Rock was arrested. Let's see. The employee told officers that Johnson allegedly seen picking up produce,

pulling down his pants, rubbing the produce on his buttocks, and replacing the produce back onto the shelf. I have a lot of questions. Mostly why, but also, smart people just wash their produce anyway, right? Like, no one just goes, because you would assume it's covered in their wax or in some sort of pesticide or whatever weird,

like, I just assume it's gross anyway, and I wash it, so. You're an idiot, butt wiper, but let's please go on um he's charged and arrested inside the supermarket with two misdemeanors indecent exposure destruction of property uh let's see they don't have a motive and they said that it was apparently fruit. And that's all they know. The motive was fruit? Well, he was doing it to fruit, but there was no motive behind it.

Oh. And that's all they know. They didn't get any other information. Interesting. Yeah, there's no information. That's it. Again, terrible reporting. That's it Again terrible reporting That's what's wrong with this country

But here's another story And I can't find the article but I found the headline And I'm obsessed with this now This is in Texas Which isn't Florida but very close Very close Great grandmother and local mayor Baits 12 foot 580 pound alligator

With a seasoned raccoon to avenge death of mini horse. That can't be real. This is a real story. Can't be real. This is a real-ass story. I can't. The best part is Florida Man has it on his website.

And the best part is he has the image where it's the picture of the article, and then he does a search for Florida, and there's no matches. He's like, how is this possible? Yeah, I have a lot of questions about that too. What's it say? Nothing. I can't find the article. I guess a woman's horse got killed by a gator,

and so she and the mayor of the town they're in baited the alligator with a raccoon and then, like, captured and killed it. That's pretty badass. That is pretty badass. Pot shop employee fights off attackers with trusty glass bong. Okay, I'm ready. Let's do this.

A Canadian pot shop employee may have just experienced the ultimate bong hit. He used the marijuana smoking apparatus to fight off three robbers who were brandishing canisters of bear spray. The attempted robbery occurred last Thursday afternoon. Pause, pause, pause.

They tried to rob a guy with bear spray? Oh, yeah. It's Canada. You're right. I shouldn't have questioned that part. Okay. We're robbing you, eh?

When three men entered the store with their faces covered at the recreational cannabis farmer's market, the robbers sprayed bear mace on two store employees, a man and a woman, but the mail clerk didn't let that stop him from protecting his merchandise. Surveillance video shows the clerk grabbing a bong and using it as a weapon. It seems like something out of a Cheech and Chong movie, but it worked. The robbers left the store without any merchandise and fled in a white SUV. Officials are still looking for the would-be thieves. Anybody with information is asked to contact the police.

Complete video can be seen here. Hold on. We need to see this. We need the complete video. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there we go. Oh, they come in. They spray him. The dude ducks. Yeah.

The dude ducks down to avoid the spray. He covers his eyes. Only one guy sprays. What the hell? Wow. This is the most Canadian shit I've ever seen. Whoa, bang it up, eh? Bang it up, eh?

They just throw a box at him. Yeah. They just throw a box at him. And then he's like, yo, get out of here. What the? All right. I'm going to have to rewind this tape. I'm going to rewind this tape.

So three masked men. It's a normal day. Normal day. They're sitting there. First off, no customers. I feel bad for them. Yeah. Normal day.

And then three masked individuals, all, I'm going to say this, disturbingly thin. All very skinny-jean. Three skinny-jean individuals burst in. And then they start yelling. And one guy is, here's the problem. Only one person's spraying bear mace. Yeah. You got one guy trying to go behind the counter.

But he takes the long, he doesn't jump it. He goes the long way around because he's very polite. And then there's another person The guy of course in the white skinny jeans In the back, not doing anything Just sort of like involved, jumping around Like oh jeez, oh jeez Then

As they Come around to get the money This dude with the bong who looks like I'm going to say this Aaron Hansen, Egoraptor This guy who looks like Egor'm going to say this, Aaron Hansen, Egoraptor. Yeah. This guy who looks like Egoraptor comes out with his giant glass bong and starts swinging. No one has been hit. Everyone backs away.

No one even remotely tries to get in a fight with this guy. I don't know why. There's three of them and one of him. And then he threatens. He threatens them. And then this guy comes out. He wants to go spray him more with some bear spray, but he doesn't pull the trigger. He doesn't do anything. He points it at his face like, I'm going to get you with this.

He doesn't do anything. This dude holds this bong like a baseball bat and starts swinging. And then these guys just run out. And then I guess they try to throw a box at him like a crate, but it's a plastic crate. And the guy's like, get out of here. And then he swings it, breaks the bong. Now he has no bong.

But he's still talking shit, and the guys run away. That is an incredible... That's incredible! That is so crazy. Those three guys, those three guys punked out. They went in there so hard, and one dude stood up. That's...

You know what? That's like standing up to a bully. Yeah. That's like standing up to the bullies. Those guys came in there like, oh, we got bear spray. And he was like, bitch, I got a bong. And they were like, oh, that's what we wanted. The bear mace bullies defeated by the bong. Yep.

That's the headline. That's what I would call the story. The bear mace bullies. That's the headline. There's the headline. Defeated by bong. Bear mace bully is beaten by bong. That's a better. There's the headline. Beaten by bong. Bear Mace Bully is beaten by bong. That's a better headline.

Yeah. I could write headlines all day. That's all we should do is just write headlines. We should. All right. Well, I guess that's it for us, eh? So we'll see you all later next time, maybe. But first, Crendor, hit them with the socials.

Later, eh? He got socials everywhere. You got twitch.tv slash Crendor, twitch.tv slash Jesse Cox. You got soundcloud.com slash Cox and Crendor, youtube.com slash Cox and Crendor. Make sure to pick up some Timbits, eh? Oh, no doubt. YouTube.com slash Cox and Crendor podcast. That's where the podcasts go.

Cox and Crendor is where the animations go, you know. And then over there, you got YouTube.com slash Crandor, YouTube.com slash Jesse Cox. And then there's probably some other stuff. Just search one of us or Cox and Crandor. Just search it all. Use our advertiser links, please. And, yeah, that's all I got.

All right. Well, that's it for us, everybody. Thank you for listening or watching or whatever you're doing right now. But, as always, we'll be back with another episode. So, beep. To be continued.