Cox n' Crendor Show - Episode 182 - Spider Dick

Episode Date: February 4, 2019

Well you know it's that kind of week when one of the big news stories involves a man being bit in the nether regions by a spider - and it being hilarious. Also Crendor and Jesse try to figure out what a rose tastes like, visit Duncanville, and learn why Crendor may be sick all the time. All this and more on a brand new Cox n' Crendor! Robinhood is giving listeners a free stock at http://crendor.robinhood.com Buy your 23andMe Health + Ancestry Kit at http://23andme.com/cox

Today's episode is brought to you by 23andMe. We're now in a world where having access to data actually, really, is super important. And what data is not the most important than the data about who you are? Who am I? Also, today's episode is brought to you by Robinhood, the investing app that lets you buy stocks and sell stocks and do it all commission-free. We'll talk about that as well. But first, let's get into the podcast.

Hello, everybody. It's time for Ghost on Trend Dog. This is Trend Dog in the morning. In the morning. Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live. In 4-hour recording studio. Recorded. We're broadcasting live, live, live, live, live, in 4-Hour Reporting Studios. Recording. Wake your ass up, it's the Kaxi Krendor in the morning!

Kaxi Krendor in the morning! Hello everybody, welcome to another exciting episode of Kaxi Krendor in the morning! Ba-ba-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-breaking news. Oh, oh. I thought you were doing, like, anything but breaking news. I've never heard breaking news like... No, that's not even what it is. I don't think either of us have ever watched the news.

I'll be real with you. Yeah, not really. I mean... Like something like... It sounds like we're trying to do a sick beat like a sick like breaking news the new sick beat by cox and crendor it's fat yo that's a fat beat that's a fat beat that's a fat beat uh oh yeah i uh i've finally gotten over my sickness took like a week but now well i'm not like like 100% over it.

I'm like 90% over it. I'm at the point where you're just congested. You cough every once in a while. You still got some clogged up cloggage. Yeah, I get cloggage. Cloggage, I understand, because it's all backed up in there, and you got the gunk. Yeah, but I feel fine. So, I mean, that's good outside of my typical digestive issues that I go through.

So, I mean, that's good. How my typical digestive issues that I go through. So, I mean, that's good. How are you? I got questions. I got questions. I feel like you've lied to this audience for years. What? About how you had your stuff handled, and now you're falling apart. No, we went over this.

I'm saying in terms of sicknesses, I was fine for a while, and then I fell apart. Well, that's, I mean, yes, of course. But you told everyone that you were immune, and now you're sick. It's that I got older. Age. Time, the greatest sickness of all. If we could just stop it. If we could just stop time forever.

You're like the beginning of a villain in a sci-fi movie. It's about to be bio-frozen like Walt Disney. Yep. I don't ever want to see a frozen you. Although, you are in a polar vortex, so it might happen. Yeah, that's very true. What is going on right now? Where do you live?

What is it like? Well, I'm in Chicago, so I mean, I was in part of the whole thing where they're like, it's Chiberia out here, or whatever they called it. Really, here's the thing. When it gets to that level of cold, it all feels the same. Like, it doesn't, it just, I don't know, it just feels the same. It just, you get cold faster, I guess is what it is. So, like, when you normally would go outside, it would take, like, five minutes to get cold.

But now when you would go outside, it would take, like, 30 seconds to a minute to get cold. And you're like, wow, I gotta get in. So, I mean, you know, it was kind of blown out of proportion, honestly. It wasn't that bad. Like, I guess, well, the well the houses were like popping and shit It's like expanding them. So what do you mean the house were popping no like? It gets so cold I don't know how it works that somebody will explain it that like the house starts like

Expanding or you know how heat makes things expand so I guess it's like something like that where the house or the whatever starts shrinking or expanding or something. And you just hear like bang. And that's what it is. Like it almost sounds like something fell in the kitchen or something. I don't know. So you just hear like a burn. And you're just like, what the shit?

And you're like, oh, it's just the house. So is that the wood? Or I get what it is. I get houses aren't just exploding. But I'm curious what it is in the superstructure of the house that's like, is it nails coming out? I just want to know. I have no clue. Why do houses pop in the cold is what you looked up?

House pops, creaks, blamed on dry air. If your house has been making sinister noises this winter, the reason is likely that the wood parts of the home are contracting from the dryness of the air when the temperature plummets so does humidity in our homes as we crank up the heat oh okay there's also people talking about like cryo quakes or something where like the water freezes and pipes in the ground and then it like makes mini earthquakes or some shit. I don't know. There's a bunch of stuff going on. Yeah, you guys are going through the ringer right now, huh? Well, it's over now.

Now it's like warm again, which is really weird. Like it was with the wind chill. It was like negative 40 or negative 50 out. Now it's like 14 degrees outside. It's like a heat wave. It's warm again. It's 14 degrees. It's like 14 degrees outside. It's like a heat wave and some are warm again. It's 14 degrees It's so warm and tomorrow. It's gonna be 42 degrees with rain That's spring I'm gonna walk outside let go for a walk all in Chicago is 42 degrees in rain spring

You already get people like you think oh you think that's spring i go out my shorts in the 20 degrees that's spring from like we get it all right and there's the weather ego thing we talked about again everyone we understand you live in a you live in actual siberia and it's it's way worse there you win you win we're not saying you don't win, but it's always somebody. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, you know, I did a video I'm going to put up actually today where I everybody was throwing boiling water into the air and then it turns into snow or whatever. But I was like, what happens if you just take normal water out there? So you can find that one on my YouTube channel. I think I think it doesn't burst. I think it just is water.

Well, I know what happens You gotta sleep through to find out I think it just the reason why it has to be boiling Is Yeah whatever I'm gonna let the audience find out This stunning new report Let the scientists figure it out Yeah let the scientists figure it out

So that's a thing Which is kind of crazy Like the fact that it's gonna be almost 50 this weekend and like Monday, like it went, that's like 100 degrees. I guess with that, you know, with the wind chill, it's like 100 degree difference. Like that's insane. So yeah, that's what I've been doing. And then, I mean, I was sick for most of it anyway, so I just stayed inside like I would have if I was, you know. Yeah, really, you rode this of it anyway, so I just stayed inside like I would have if I was, you know. Yeah, really?

You rode this storm out very well. I did. I watched, let's see. Did I watch anything? Oh, my God. I was watching Food Network again. Guy Fieri. It's always good to put on.

Which of his many shows was it? It was Diners, Drive-Ins, Dives. Oh, that's a classic. You can't go wrong with a little Triple D. Yeah, I'm not a big fan on the grocery games, but he was, which one was it? They were actually doing a Chicago one. It was like this Korean-Mexican fusion restaurant downtown,

and I was like, oh, my God, I want to try that. Yeah, nothing like a little bulgogi inside a burrito. It sounds great. I know. I was like, hey, I'll try that. So, nothing like a little bulgogi inside a burrito. It sounds great. I know. I was just like, hey, I'll try that. So I was like, thanks, guy. And what else did I watch? I watched Pirates of Silicon Valley because I hadn't seen that in forever,

like the old school Bill Gates, Steve Jobs movie. You ever see that? No. I wish it was about pirates, but, you know, whatever. It's like, you know, Ashton Kutcher made that Steve Jobs movie yes it's like that but better because it kind of covers more of everything in the 90s and

80s and whatever like it has Bill Gates and Steve Jobs and how they competed so it's kind of more interesting than just Steve Jobs when does Jack Sparrow show up you know I may have seen him briefly why is all the RAM gone right right that's a good joke it's yeah terrible accent great joke great joke so if you you know if you

want to see a decent movie check that that one out. It's pretty neat. I played a lot of League of Legends, and that was it. So, I mean, what do you do? I'm trying to figure out what the difference was between you being sick and you normal. Because, frankly, I don't see it. Well, I didn't go to the gym. Ah, buff door neglected. Then I'll usually go for my walk. I didn't get to the gym. Ah, buff door neglected. Then I'll usually go for my walk.

I didn't get to go for my walks. And then I'll get like coffee somewhere. Didn't get to do that. On Monday this week, I had to go and take my computer all the way to a place called the City of Industry is essentially a place in LA that is just warehouses and buildings filled with crap that trucks pick up, I guess. I don't know who actually lives there. I don't think there are any actual houses, just warehouses. And over there is one of the computer manufacturers. And I had a computer in the office that just kept blue screening and kept crashing. In the office that just kept blue screening and kept crashing.

So I had to drive my ass all the way out there. Because they were like, well, you could. You could ship it to us. And it would take the shipping time, plus five to seven days. Plus shipping it back to you. Or you could drive it. I was like, well, on the map it says it will take an hour. So I guess I could go do that.

So I woke up one day and just drove out there. And it was an unpleasant drive because you forget that much of LA is surrounded by mountain and desert. And so I'm like out in the mountain and desert at this point. And it is, you'd think there'd be no traffic. Nope, it's worse. Don't ask me how. It's worse.

Here's the thing. It wasn't normal traffic. It was all trucks. What? All the trucks that were there for the picking up whatever the hell it is they pick up at the warehouses. So it was me and trucks on the 610 which is another

one of the many terrible highways in LA. And I'm just sitting there not doing a damn thing and I can't see because the trucks are all around me so I'm boxed in by trucks so I don't know where the hell I'm supposed to get off. And I can't see because the trucks are all around me. So I'm boxed in by trucks. So I don't know where the hell I'm supposed to get off. Thankfully, I had my GPS that was like, bro, in 60 feet, get off right now. I'm like, I can't.

There are trucks everywhere. It sucked. It was a bad experience. But did you fix your computer? I gave it to them and they were like, we'll get it fixed in five to seven days. I was like, cool. So honestly, I don't know what's wrong with it. I did everything there was to do with the computer to try and fix it, and it's just busted.

So, we'll figure it out, hopefully. Well, I mean, at least they'll get it fixed, probably. Unless they can't fix it, and then, you know. Maybe. I don't know. I have no clue. But I decided that I want them to ship it back to me. I was like, I don't need it that bad, and I don't want to ever drive out there again, so thanks.

Uh-oh. Hello? This is Cat. He was eating wires. Oh, you just vanished. I don't know what happened to you. Yeah, he's trying to eat my wires. Can't let him do that.

Why was he trying to eat your wires? I don't know. When he gets hungry, he tries to eat wires. But why don't you feed your cat? I do, but he's on a tuna kick and he doesn't want fish and shrimp. He wants tuna. Well, isn't tuna fish? No, it's probably not a tuna fish. He wants pure tuna from the cane. That's what tuna fish is! Yeah, but there's other types of fish and i don't know if fish and shrimp is a tuna fish i think it's probably just some other fish

why why didn't you give him tuna we do okay i'm so confused but now it's been like four hours since he had tuna so he wants more well why not give him to give it to him? Because I'm recording a podcast. You're right. How foolish of me. I'm just over here like, well, why don't you give your cat tuna, dummy? That'll fix the problem. You're like. That's the thing.

It's like the other times I'll be like, hey, I'm going to go get food. I'm going to go feed the thing. Everyone's like, what's Cranthor doing? He's not paying attention to the things he's supposed to be doing. And then if I don't do it, everyone's like, why'd you go do those things, idiot? I can't win. I can't win. No, you cannot. No, sir, you cannot.

So that's why. I'll just rub on more Vicks VapoRub. Oh, yeah. Vicks is where it's at. I love Vicks VapoRub. But the problem is that I never remember exactly where I need to rub it. Yeah. All right.

Yeah, they tell you, like, rub it on your neck and chest, but, like, you always got to pull it by your nose, right? I get it. You're supposed to, like, breathe it in, but if I put it near my neck, if I move my head down, then I got like a sticky goop in my neck. You know what I mean? Yeah. I know what you mean. I don't want it near my neck because if I look down, then it goes like, and then I got like a goop in my neck. And I don't want that.

That feels terrible. I don't want a goopy neck. Nobody wants goop in their neck. No one. Nobody. I don't want a goopy neck. And then because I have a beard that just leads to problems because then i got goop in my beard yeah you can't put it in the beard you just

yeah just put a little by my nose like not a lot i don't like slather it up or anything but just like a tiny little bit like but you have a don't you have a mustache yeah but you do it like right above oh above oh oh i thought you meant above your nose i was like well i don't think that's gonna help just above the mustache and like around well, I don't think that's going to help. Just above the mustache and around the nostrils. Oh, yeah. You're doing it hardcore. You're supposed to put it on your chest and then like, but you're just getting it right from the source.

They're like, don't put it on your nose. And I'm like, I'm not going to put a bunch on there. Let's put a little bit. It's fine. It's probably like burning my inside. Yeah, maybe this is why you're getting sick. I'm not going to listen to these doctors and their rules. Stick it in my nose.

You know what happened to me this week? What? All right. All right. I got a story. I finally remembered a story. A good one. Finally.

Thank God. I went to go get coffee this week at one of those fancy schmancy coffee places. Not a Starbucks or like a Joe's Coffee. Like a place like the bean. Oh, it was probably called like 310 Bean or something like that. Just a ridiculously pompous name. Le Bean on Ven. Yes, exactly. And the coffee they had, they had the drip coffees and they had all the coffees that when you really want just a normal coffee

it takes them 25 minutes to make. It's like every bean is individually ground. Like that kind of stuff. Well, they had a latte that I want to try that was a rose and something latte. Fern Gully? I don't know. Rose and something latte. Fern gully?

I don't know. Rose and something. Rose and other word that I don't remember that was not a flavor. Right? You never expect the flavor of roses. That's not something I – but they had it. It was like rose and – I don't want to say lavender, but it was something like that.

Rose and essence. I don't know. Rose and, but it was something like that. Rose and essence. Rose in summertime. Rose and essence of rose. Things that aren't flavors, but for some reason they said it was the flavor of this coffee. I was like, all right, I'm in. It tasted just like a normal latte.

I could taste nothing. No difference whatsoever. It was eight bucks. And I'm sitting there just like, what did I pay for here? What did I pay for? I know. I was like, what was the reason behind this? And I went up to the counter and was like, I don't taste anything.

And the guy goes, rose is a very subtle flavor. What is the flavor of rose? What is the flavor of rose? What is the flavor of rose? What is the flavor of rose? I feel like that's a deep thought. What is the flavor of rose? I think I've tasted rose stuff before. I don't know how to describe it.

That's what I'm saying. How do you describe what a rose tastes? This guy's telling me that I should be tasting it. I'm like, I taste coffee. I taste milk. I taste steamed milk. And something a little sweet. Is that the rose?

And he's like, it's a subtle essence. Something that you feel on the tip of your tongue. And you let it ruminate there for a while. And then it will really bloom. And I was just like, bro, I'm just trying to get jacked up on coffee so I can go to work. I ain't got time for you to tell me to like ruminate the coffee on my palate or whatever. It's just, this is why

I go to Starbucks and get a vanilla grande vanilla latte nonfat every day. This is my thing. It's just easier that way. It may not be the best coffee, but by God, I know what it tastes like and it tastes the same every time. That's the thing. A lot of times, like, you'll cold press it, you hard brew it, you drip it, but a lot of times it just tastes the same.

Usually I found that as long as I use, like, the fresh beans, it doesn't matter what I do after that. Like, some people will be like, oh, but you gotta do the French press beans. Like whatever. As long as I just grind my beans, it tastes good. The thing is, right? A lot of times you can get like pretty good coffee for probably like three, four dollars. Sure. Yes, absolutely.

But a lot of these places, they upcharge it. It's like the clothes. It's like when you go to a place like Nordstrom like you're paying for the same quality stuff They're made in the same places, but it's like ooh. This is a name brand So it's a 90 instead of the 30 you'd get it at it like I have to get the newest Zara though come on I have to get it But yeah, it's uh

No, I just sometimes you know you, I can go to, like, Starbucks or even, like, some random-ass place to get coffee and be like, yeah, that's good. Yeah, that's, I feel like the times I've enjoyed coffee the most have been places that's like, Mom, Paul's Diner. I'm like, keep that coffee coming, Mom, Paul, and I'm just sitting there eating eggs and whatever. That's like, for some reason, it just tastes good to me.

Yeah. Maybe it's a little nostalgic. Maybe it's just because it's like that old-timey, like, Pa cooked this up in his, you know, gazoon height. I've spread my sickness to you. Thank you, yeah. Pa cooked it up in his old-timey, like, Mr. Coffee in the back. That's what I'm saying.

You know that coffee pot has not been washed. And maybe that's why it tastes... Yeah, maybe it's like a good griddle. It sucks up all the flavor of all those coffees poured out of it. And when you get it, ew, man. It's like when people make bread and they have the mother yeast or whatever that thing is called. The mother yeast. The mother yeast.

You know, they have the moldy thing they keep putting in all the batches. They put some in every single time, and it makes it taste better. That's kind of, I think, the same thing. Yeah, I think so. I'm not saying you should do that. You probably should wash your coffee cup thing, but whatever. Yeah. Oh, yeah, people do that with mugs and stuff, too.

They use the same mug and the mug gets all the flavors in it. No, that's not true. That's not true. Or, God, what is it? It's not mugs. There's no such thing. There's no... Cast iron.

Griddles. Yeah, the cast iron skillets. That's what I was thinking of. Yeah? It's not mugs. There's no such thing. There's no... Cast iron. Griddles. Yeah, the cast iron skillets. That's what I was thinking of. Yeah. It's like that. A mug. Please wash your mugs. Please wash your mugs.

I can taste 1997 in it. Wow, that tastes like a good year. Oh, that was a 1997 Bogota original. One of my favorite coffee blends. All right. Well, I favorite coffee blends. All right. Well, I think we've wasted enough time. Yeah, I think we have. Crendor.

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All right, Crendor, let's get a job together. Send this guy to Crendor. How's that driving out there? Well, let me tell you something. Those roads are popping. Those roads are expanding. Those modes are, roads, not modes, are shrinking. They're ding-a-linginging and they're having a great time.

Now, what did I just say? I have no idea, but the roads are icy, but they are starting to melt so you gotta watch out for the water that's washing off the roads because that's gonna be pretty much like a flood opened up on the 405. So, be

wary and if you're going to the Super Bowl, you know, bring be wary. And if you're going to the Super Bowl. You know. Bring a hat. For the team you're cheering for. You know. And I don't know why I said that either. I don't even know what I'm talking about up here.

Where am I? And why are we? That's a call back to a few weeks ago. The why are we? It was a little bit of a deep thought. I tried to take the focus off of me and put it onto something else back to you. Thanks, Crendor. Well, let's put the focus onto weather.

How's that weather out there? Weather. I don't know. Let's look up some weather somewhere. 6, 5, 6, 9, 8, 7. Nothing. How about 3? I think that's too many. 5.

I think you just put it in. It might be. 3, 5, 4, 5, 6. Duncanville. Where's that at? Duncanville where? Duncanville what? Alabama.

Hey, down in the Bama. Duncanville, Alabama. 44 degrees Fahrenheit. Feels like 44 degrees Fahrenheit. High. 44 degrees. Fahrenheit. Low 40 degrees.

Next 36 hours, we got 40 degrees. Clear skies. Mostly clear, actually. 83% humidity. That's a lot of humidity coming at you. Saturday, 67 degrees. That's going to be pretty nice outside. I'd take 67 degrees.

That's a room temperature. Saturday night, 47 degrees. Sunday night, 67 degrees again. Wowee, those are some very nice temps. Then you got 65, 74, 75, 78, 59. Then it drops off a little bit. 61, 65, 64, 62, 60, 59.

That's like a countdown with some rain coming at you. And 59 degrees rain on Valentine's Day, which I think is February 14th. First off, it's always February 14th. I don't think you need to think that. It's like Thanksgiving, right?

I think Valentine's Day is February 14th. It's always the same day. It never changes. You probably should remember that for the future. I feel like that's going to help you in life. Yes. But I went to go look up Duncanville, because I was like, what is in Duncanville? Apparently, a new TV show for Fox.

It's Amy Poehler and Wiz Khalifa. What? Called Duncanville. Series ordered in October 26, 2018. Why is it in Duncanville? What's it about? It's an animated series about a single mom, I guess, called Duncanville. Is it in Duncanville, Alabama?

Great question. I do not know. I didn't look that far because I was trying to find Duncanville, Alabama, which is an unincorporated community in the Tuscaloosa County, Alabama, United States. Shit, dude. Hold on. Maybe there's some tweets from Duncanville.

Yeah, I'm looking up all I can find about Duncanville. Some real good Duncanville facts. Duncanville, Alabama, good food. Yeah. Duncanville facts. Dunkenville, Alabama, good food. Yeah. Dunkenville football. Give me the latest tweets, please. Trying to figure out what's close to Dunkenville. It looks like it's right next to a national park.

Ooh. What is this park? What is this? That's a national one. Pine Tucky? Pine Tucky. It says Pine Tucky. I can't figure out what this park is.

It is definitely in the south. There's the Talladega National Forest nearby, but that's not this place. This is Pine Tucky. It's a Mount Pilgrim Church. Mount Pilgrim Church, I don't know anything about it, but if I was going to lead a cult, that's where I'd lead it. Come on down to Pine Tucky. There's the Paul M. Grist State Park, but I don't think that's this. What is this? There's like towns in this park. Pine Tucky? Trio? I don't know this is a place,

but they do have Ninja Fireworks. They have a place called ATM John's and a place called Ninja Fireworks. And as I look around, I don't see much else. I can't. I don't see. I literally don't see anything else. I'm trying to find. It looks like they have a post office. In the scrolling I've done, I've seen five churches, and it looks like there's only six buildings. So, I mean, if you go in there, you're finding Jesus.

Well, you scroll out, and there's more churches. Duncanville, God help me. That sounds like Duncanville. They keep sending me to Tuscaloosa, just straight up Tuscaloosa. Wait, there's. Duncanville, God help me. That sounds like Duncanville. They keep sending me to Tuscaloosa, just straight up Tuscaloosa. Wait, there's a Duncanville, Texas. We're talking about Alabama. Don't get distracted. Duncanville, L.

Wow, the number one restaurant. Oh, never mind. Never mind. It only has one review, but it's on Alabama Highway 69. Oh, my God. Highway 69 goes through Duncanville? No wonder there are so many churches. They're trying to cure that place. Heathens

in there. Heathens. Oh shit, hold on. What if I zoom in? There is Papa Nick's Pizza and Things is the name of a restaurant. Pizza and Things. Pizza and Things. What are the things? Five stars, one review. What are the things? Five stars, one review.

What are the things? New restaurant opened a couple weeks ago. We held off going right away to see if they would start picking up traffic. Boy, did they. My son and I went. We ordered the Mambo. Not bad. The dough is a little thick for my taste, but that's a personal opinion.

Wow, good on this guy for being like, look, it's just my opinion. They don't make the pizza I want them to make, but like, it wasn't bad. He could have left one star and be like, dough is very thick. Yeah. But I also think, for not liking the dough, giving it five stars is a little ridiculous too, but whatever. That is a little ridiculous.

Meanwhile, there's Big John's BBQ. Big John's? It looks like it's in a shack. Oh, my God. The sign for Big John's Barbecue is Big John's Barbecue and then a ridiculously fat pig in overalls. Who's like, yeah? I would go to Big John's. Oh, I would, too.

I have no doubt in my mind. You've got to go to Big John's. It looks like an old shack made in World War II. I'm trying to think of what that material is called that they would make hangers out of. Sheet metal? Oh, yeah, sheet metal. It looks kind of like that. It definitely does not look like a place that anyone would go to in L.A., which is why I would want to go there.

That's got to be the place. Oh, my God. There's a pig dressed up. That's what Oh my God. There's a pig dressed up. That's what I'm saying. There's a man dressed up as a pig. Hold this sign. Oh, you know that's good. This place is great.

Well, look at this. Well, look at this. Is the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa? Uh, I don't know. Because Tuscaloosa is right where Duncanville is. Duncanville, there's not anyone in there, but if you go up State Route 69, wait, hold on, yeah, if you go up, what is that?

You've ticked A2 to the 6, up to the 8. Oh, yeah, it is. It's east of Tuscaloosa. Yeah, I see it, University of Alabama. Alabama. Wow. We're learning new things every day. I didn't know that. It's right by Duncanville. Wow. Duncanville. You've got everything going. Duncanville's right near Hull.

What's that? Place where no one lives. Wow. Oh my God, they got a taco mama. I love that when I scroll into Hull, I'm like, I wonder what's there. A bunch more churches. You know you're in the South and there are more churches than anything else. Oh my god. Between Hull and Duncanville, there are three more churches.

Four more churches. You scroll in, how many churches do you need? How many churches do y'all need? Just make one big one. Everyone get in there. I'm pretty sure they got those too. That's like the Joel Osteen church. Isn't that like a mega church? Yeah, get a mega.

Just make yourself a little mega church. Lord, I tell you, I'm Joel Osteen and today hold up your Bibles. That's my favorite imitation thing to do. He always does that. Just watch a Joel Osteen, and today hold up your Bibles. That's my favorite imitation thing to do. He always does that. Just watch a Joel Osteen thing. Even if you're not religious, just watch it.

He does that. He's like, you know, the other day, me and my friends, we were out having a party, and the Lord said, Joel, what are you doing? I said, that's a great thing, Jesus. We need to have a party for you, not for ourselves. So we got our Bibles out and we sat around the campfire and we just said, Jesus, thank you for this fire. Can I get an amen?

I don't like how good you are at doing that. It's all in the presentation. Yeah, but see, here's the problem. I don't like that kind of pastor. I don't like that kind of guy who's like, if y'all just donate $1, I can afford my new G6 plane. I don't like that. I like the guy who's like, Lord, Lord, you got to, got to, got to give it to me. That's the guy I like.

Zap that sin right out of me. The guy who's sweating. The guy who's wiping his brow. He's like, Jesus, say Jesus. You got to get it out of me. You got to get the sin right out of me. Get behind me, Satan. That's the guy. I would watch that nonstop. Well, yeah, sin right out of me. Get behind me, Satan. That's the guy.

I would watch that non-stop. Well, yeah, that's pretty good, too. Yeah. The Joel Osteen of the world is like, Lord, if we all hold hands and we think fondly of each other, we can cure the sickness here tonight. No, I want the guy who's like,

Lord, bring him up on stage. I'm gonna slap you across the face. I'm gonna slap you across the face! I'm gonna slap you across the face! I'm gonna get that sin out of you! You want the James Brown preacher. Yeah, that's the show I want to watch. If I'm gonna get into religion, I want the religion where

people are dancing and cheering. I don't want that religion where it's like, I don't want that. That sucks. I that religion where it's like, I don't want that. That sucks. I want the religion that's like, Lord Jesus, go the best thing around. I want rockin' baby Jesus in church.

Yeah, but sometimes you want, like, the old Tommy Monk, like, medieval thing, like, No, I do not want that. I want to go to a church and some guy will be like, and now, now everyone stand up. We'll be singing Rockin' Baby Jesus. Rockin' Baby Jesus.

I want that. And then it's like, Rockin' Baby Jesus. I want that church. And then you go to Taco Mama afterwards. Yeah, and the pastor's there. He's driving up and he'sala, and he's just like, Alonzo, give me some of the five tacos. And that's the weather.

You don't turn that off. You don't turn that 24-7. Yep, that's... I'd like to have an al pastor. I'd like to have one of the chicken. An al pastor? What's an al pastor? Al pastor, which is hilarious because a pastor would have an al pastor.

It's pork. It's like a marinated pork. I see. Yeah, that's the weather. Okay. All right. Let's talk sports and not Super bowl what else do we have sports well finally we can talk about non-football things um basketball anthony davis wants to trade and

he wants to be traded to the lakers probably uh he wants to play with lebron uh let's see in hockey news uh tyler seguin scores two goals over Minnesota. Jake Gwenzel scores twice in win over Ottawa with Pittsburgh. Patrick Kane picks up four points in win over Buffalo. And in baseball, the two big free agents, Bryce Harper and Manny Machado, have still not signed, making baseball still one of the most boring off-seasons around. Like, spring training starts in, like, two weeks, and two of the

big free agents haven't done anything. It's like, what? This is so boring. Just sign with somebody. They're just like, I want $280 million instead of $240 million. Like, I get it, but, like, come on. Just either pay the guys or, like, I don't know. Takes, like, $40 million Just either pay the guys or, like, I don't know.

It takes, like, $40 million less, all right? You can still buy all your shit. And Charlotte beat Memphis in basketball. Boston beat the Knicks, who are terrible. OKC beat Miami. Utah beat Atlanta. And Denver beat Houston. That's sports.

All right, Grendor, what is our big news story of the day? All right, so if you're a longtime listener of this podcast, you probably remember Jacoby Jones. Who doesn't? Yep, people that weren't longtime listeners, probably. I guess, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, former Ravens wide receiver Jacoby Jones credits his speed to his father being a crackhead.

receiver Jacoby Jones credits his speed to his father being a crackhead. This is fresh off the presses two days ago. I need to know where this goes. Former Ravens wide receiver Jacoby Jones is known for his speed, and people have often wondered where the retired all-pro wide receiver got it from. Jones himself offered up a seemingly innocuous explanation his speed came from his father in an interview with bleacher report jones said his theory is that his speed was inherited from his father but not in the typical sense quote my dad was a crack head so all that shit he was smoking probably in my jeans oh this is a terrible precedent to set.

Please don't smoke crack and then have kids. Please don't. That's why I don't do drugs. People say I run like a crackhead. I wonder why. Hold on. That can't be. Crackheads, are they notorious for run like a crackhead?

Is this gonna? There's a lot Crackhead runs into sign. Well, I'm gonna click on one of these. Let's see what happens. It is a dude running in the street without shoes on. But I don't know if it's a crackhead. There's no evidence of it being... Crackhead running into tree. Just because you call someone a crackhead doesn't mean they're a crackhead. Yeah, that's true. He might not be. It just could be a guy running into a tree and they're making fun of him, which is rude. Let's see if he runs into the tree or not.

You need to verify it. He did run into the tree. Ladies and gentlemen, the crackhead has run into the tree. He tried to run away from the guy charging at him and he ran into a tree. I don't... Is the term run like a crackhead something that I should be aware of? I never thought that... Now, I will say he does look like he's doing crack. I never thought doing crack gave you extra speed running.

I don't know. This is entirely new to me. I didn't know that either, but I guess he knows more than we do. It clearly has firsthand experience. I can't question it. Jones' father left when the Pro Bowler was just 18 months old. He's seen him one time in his life four years ago, but not again since. The 34-year-old now coaches at his alma mater, Lane College.

He was taken by the Texans in the third round of 2007 NFL Draft, spending three seasons in Baltimore. After that, he won a Super Bowl in 2012 with the Ravens and was a key part of their postseason run. Wait, so he's just retired at 34? Yeah. Man, that's a life. Well, he also did a lot of damage to his body playing professional football. Yeah, I guess you're right, but the crack kept him going,

so he was in his genes. It was in his DNA. He didn't have to smoke it. Here's 23andMe who just said crack it. Maybe very fast. That's so dumb. That's so dumb. Also, people linked us to this article

About local man arrested after cosplaying Mr. Freeze And yelling cold weather puns at people But it's from like a fake news site It's from the satirical Sioux Falls News Also, I mean, we do that without dressing up So, I mean, you know Yeah Chill out, nice mean, you know. Yeah.

Chill out. Nice to see you. It happens. This one is a real news thing, though. Spider bites Australian man on penis again. That's the ticket. That's the key. Again.

All right, let's hear it. A 21-year-old Australian tradesman has been bitten by a venomous spider on the penis for the second time. The man was using a portable toilet on a Sydney building site Tuesday when he suffered a repeat of the incident five months ago. Jordan, who preferred not to reveal his surname, said he was bitten on pretty much the same spot. I'm the most unlucky guy in the country at the moment, he said. He's not wrong. He's not wrong he's not wrong I was sitting on the toilet doing my business and it just felt a sting and then I felt uh that I felt the first time I was like I can't believe it happened again and I looked down and I've seen a few little legs come around the rim uh he said that being bitten the first time had made him

wary of using portable toilets and for the first time it happened i didn't really want to use one again toilets got clean that day and i thought it was my opportunity to go use one had a look under both seats and then i sat down did my business next thing you know i'm bent over in pain the tradesman said he was not sure what type of spider bit him this time. One of his colleagues took him from the work site to the hospital, although many of his workmates were quick to see the lighter side of the situation. They got worried the first time, he said. This time they were making jokes before I even got in the car. Hospital declined to discuss the matter, citing privacy.

It's released from the hospital. You'll be back at work soon soon but probably not going to use the toilet i think i'll be holding on for dear life to be honest he said uh the redback spider closely related to the black widow spider is distinguished by a long red stripe on its abdomen its bite causes severe pain sweating and nausea although there are recorded cases of deaths from redback bites, none have occurred since the development of anti-venom in 1956. So it's just comical. He's not gonna die. It's just comical

a spider keeps biting him on the dick. Yeah, and it's Australian. I wanna know why his dick and not other dicks. Because there are clearly other penises in that toilet. It's like how mosquitoes keep biting people. Yeah, but I mean, like, what about his dick is so special? Oh, no, man. It's like how mosquitoes keep biting people. Yeah, but I mean, like, what about his dick is so special? Oh, no,

man. It's like a spider magnet. That's what I'm saying. What about his spider magnet dick is so special? They're just like, I gotta take a bite of that. I gotta taste me some of that dong. Might have been

the same one. Yeah, maybe it is the same spider. It's like, ah. Because, you know, spiders, they talk like that. Like, ah, I can't wait. That sounds like SpongeBob. SpongeBob the spider. Ah, Patrick.

It sounds like SpongeBob or a sheep. Ah, I can't wait to taste his dick again. That made me one of the dumbest things you ever said on this show. We've done almost 200 of these. You know it's dumb when you say it's dumb. When you're like, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said, you know it's dumb.

That's pretty dumb. You know it's real stupid. Oh, God, Dave. Yeah. That's that. Alright, well, that's it. Thank you so much for listening or watching or whatever you're doing right now.

Crandor, hit up the socials. Hey, everybody. Why not go to our social websites? There's youtube.com slash coxandcrendorpodcast. If you'd like to listen to this on youtube.com. If you'd like to see the animations, just cut off the podcast part. youtube.com slash coxandcrendor. There's a fresh one up there right now.

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So there you go. Anyway, that's it. We'll be back with another episode soon. And as always. Oh, God, I was cleaning and I don't know where the bell is. I'm coffee. I'm like, ow. To be continued