Cox n' Crendor Show - Episode 186 - Life In Googly Woogly

Episode Date: March 4, 2019

The boys are back and this time Crendor has issue with some of Australia's city names. But when Jesse throws it back in his face with some of the cities near Chicago, the great googly debate begins! Also a man dips his balls in salsa. All this and more an an exciting new Cox n' Crendor! Robinhood is giving listners a free stock at http://crendor.robinhood.com

Today's episode is brought to you by Robinhood. Robinhood is an investing app that's going to help you buy stocks, sell stocks, all the stocks, all the time. Who knows what else it can do? We'll find out. Hello, everybody. It's time for Ghost on Trend Dog. This is Trend Dog in the morning.

In the morning. Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live. In 4-hour recording studios. Recording. Hello everybody, it's time for an exciting episode of Cacks and Crandor! What? There's no in the morning. In the morning in the morning yeah there it is that threw me off that's like you know how like people get in routines right so it's like every day you know maybe you get in your uh get in your car you drive and you see what kind of car like your uh your humvee sure okay getting your humvee you drive down okay. Yeah, you get in your humvee. You drive down the street. You see like a Starbucks. You see an old man walking.

And then you get to your work. And then that happens every day. And one day, you don't see the old man. And you're just like, whoop. And it just throws you off. That's kind of like what just happened. And you're like, what happened? That's like a really sad story, though.

Yeah, but he might just be taking a different way. What happened to that old man? He might just be walking a different way. Or maybe he got sick, he got the flu What happened to his routine? Why did he decide to There's a lot of layers to this story Why could it have been like

You like ice cream And you go to the same ice cream place But one day they don't have the ice cream you like Like that's at least nicer Yours involved the possible death of an old man Because that's not the same scenario It's the same scenario. The death of a human being is on par with me saying in the morning.

You're assuming that he's dead. He's not dead. That's because he's not doing his routine anymore, Crandor. He's not doing his routine. He might have just got bored. He mixed it up a little bit. Spiced it up. But he did it every day for 48 years.

Oh, no. Did his wife die? Oh, no. Did his wife die? Oh, no. What a sad story. Well, she died because she kept going to the ice cream place and eating ice cream. That's the moral. That's the lesson here. That's why you should always say Coxie Crandor in the morning.

Right. Okay. Hi. Hi, everyone. Welcome to the show. Hello. Oh, my God god i wrote down a tweet this is kind of like a deep thought because i wrote it late last night and i was gonna tweet it but then i didn't i thought i'd just save it um so here it is okay some things make you become you other things take you further away from you, but once you are fully you, what else is there to do?

I like how it rhymes kind of a little bit. Well only to do rhymes with the other you. Can you say that again like you're a Dr. Seuss character? Some things make you become you, other things take you further away from you, but once you are fully you, what else is there to do yeah that's very good that's very good yeah and it's a little wayne rap he just rhymes you with you with you with like woo yeah i don't know what the hell it means but i like it so all right here's let me break it down for you all right so there's things that make you become you right like things to

build up your character like maybe you have something after you it make you become you, right? Like things that build up your character. Like maybe you have something happening to you. It makes you more you. But then there's other things that take you further away from you. It could be like, you know, like depression or alcohol or like just things to try to bring you down. Those take you further away from you. But once you achieve who you fully are, what else is there to do? Or do you never fully achieve who you are? It's almost like that universe thing.

There's like so many different things that happen. Or like the multiverse. I don't know what it's called. Listen, I'm not a scientist. All right, this is getting crazier than I thought it was going to get. We are officially at multiverse theory when talking about a weird thing you were thinking of.

But yeah, okay. Yeah, but it's like, you know, you're in one universe, maybe you become the best you possible. Like, what if the best possible Krendor is, like, a physicist Krendor? Like, I don't know. And I'm, oh my god, and I figured out the multiverse theory, but I haven't figured it out yet in my current universe. But I still have that seed planted in my brain from another universe. Well, my thought is that everyone is striving for their perfect form, but you never get there. That's like the whole goal.

It's much like the United States of America, a more perfect union. We'll never be perfect but it's the goal of trying to be you never give up trying to be better and I think that is the crenderism there is no perfect

you out there but there are other perfect you's trying to become the perfect you know what this is crazy one thing about this is crazy yous trying to become the perfect. You know what? This is crazy. One thing about this is crazy. We are trying to justify crazy talk. I won't have it. Not on this podcast. Act like we haven't been crazy for years.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. People remind me all the time. And I'm like, man, I'm going crazy. And they're like, going? Listen, I don't know. Oh, yeah. I started. Well, I still go to the gym, obviously.

But obviously there's a sauna. And so I've started either before my workout or after my workout going in the sauna for like five to ten minutes. And it's crazy. Do you do the full naked sauna? Do you get in there naked with like other old men no i just got a towel on yeah all right it's kind of like that but i also keep my boxers on because i'm like what you don't want any of those old men to like see your junk and get jealous i get it exactly but then there's like the old men usually it's like i feel like

there's the younger guys who wear the towel, probably got their boxes on. There's like the middle-aged guys who got the towel on. There's like the old guys who are just like, yeah, just hang out. That's... I... I would be so blessed to live that old. I want that so badly. If I can get to the point where I don't give a shit,

man, that is the life. Just be like, I don't even care if they see everything hey there fellas you like these old balls they're long and huge yeah uh so yeah just go in there and i noticed that like after you just chill in there for a while especially if it's cold out you just like you just feel happy or you just feel like energized i don't know what it is i guess it's the heat i guess that's why people like go into you know california and florida and being in

the heat but like it really does it's like a heat therapy type of thing like it either like loosens up your muscles to work out or just kind of like boost your mood so i don't know i like it yeah i feel like that's kind of the whole... It's the same reason why people... I think it's like an extreme temperature thing. I don't know what the rules are. It's like hot yoga. I know people do that. Yeah, like either you go very, very hot or very, very cold

depending on what you're looking for, and it does something to your body and metabolism and all sorts of stuff. Yeah, like those cryo people. They do cryo-free, where they get in the tube and it's like negative, like, well, what do you call it? Uh, nitrogen.

It's like what they use for that ice cream to freeze it and it smokes and stuff. You're supposed to, you're supposed to be in there for like a minute, anything more and your body starts to freeze off. And so you go in and then you just like suffer for a minute. Then you come out and you're like, I can lift a truck. Yeah. That shit a truck. Yeah. That shit's crazy. Yeah.

That's terrifying. I love it. I'm going down that path. Because you're just in there. You're sweating out. You're getting the impurities out of your system. It's probably great for being hungover, right? But hot yoga.

I don't know that I want to get extra, extra sweaty around people that are like sticking their butt in my face. I don't know that that's what I want. I don't know if I want to move around in it. That's what I'm saying. I don't want to get like... You know how there's sweaty and then there's that I've been moving around sweaty where it's like everything's just like... It's just not...

I just don't want that. You know what? I actively avoid that. I'm also very skinny, so it almost feels like the heat's just penetrating my bones at that point, my joints and stuff. So I like that. It feels good.

And there was this other old guy in there, and he's just like... He's just heavy breathing, and I was like, all right. Yeah, he was having a moment. He was like... Yeah, I feel it. I feel it. Yeah, so that's my new thing. I've been doing that, and I like it. Well, you mentioned, I think, Twitter earlier.

I don't remember where the hell this conversation started, but you mentioned Twitter, I think. I deleted Twitter from my phone. Actually, I deleted almost every, except for, let me show you what's on my phone. Actually, I deleted almost every except for... Let me show you what's on my phone right now. I have Instagram. All right. Yelp. Lyft and Uber.

The Calm app. The Nike sneakers app. Venmo. Twitch. YouTube. And Discord. sneakers app venmo twitch youtube and discord and then banking apps that's all i have i removed everything i it's been a week and a half i feel great i love not having to give a shit it's so good i'll come home or when i'm at work Be like I wonder what's going on on Twitter Look at it for a little bit and then be like

Alright done for a while And it's great I don't even care what happens in the world It's all going to hell I'll look at it tomorrow It's so good All I really do is go through people who contact me Or people who like at me

I'm like that was really cute You're great and that's it like sorry to my friends out there who are posting hilarious hot takes on shit i haven't seen it i haven't seen anything on my feed in days unless i've added i haven't looked so if there's like a hilarious hot take about something that i should be like oh you got them i wouldn't know and it's it's i'm okay with that i feel like twitter's become just this source of stress for most people it's not even fun but it's like it brings people back it's like a toxic relationship it just keeps people coming back and it doesn't matter what you believe both whatever side or beliefs or politics or religions or

video games or whatever the shit. It's like toxic. Like that shit wears you down. I think it starts with boredom, right? Because the only time I would ever look is I'd be like, I'm on the toilet or I'm like in bed or I'm watching a show but the show's kind of meh

so I look at my phone, right? It's all boredom based stuff so I'm like alright, if I'm bored, I gotta do something better than what I'm watching a show, but the show's kind of meh, so I look at my phone. Right? Yeah. It's all boredom-based stuff, so I'm like, all right, if I'm bored, I got to do something better than what I'm doing right now. Yeah. Like, you know, I shouldn't go to the bathroom and spend 25 minutes on the toilet looking at Twitter. I got to get those poops out and go. I got to get the poops out and go.

Right? And that's, I don't know, I think I've just learned valuable life lessons from Twitter that I'm just like, yeah, I can't do this shit anymore. So I'm over it. I'm over it. Yeah, yeah. I went to the grocery store and saw a woman who I'm convinced is the quintessential cat lady tweeted about it. The internet not pleased with me. Not pleased. They were like, so I don't know if you saw this, but I was at a grocery store. Woman bought, I'm gonna say

a hundred cans of Fancy Feast and six of those cat roller lint things and like five or six bags of kitty litter and then corn flakes. What the shit? And I was like, who the hell? This is the quintessential cat lady

I was like I'm sorry to all my friends I found the real cat lady All the comments were like Jessie she could just be buying that food for a shelter Alright First off thanks for ruining my joke Second off If you are still buying

100 cans of fancy feast For a shelter? Now, I don't know if things have changed since I was a kid, but if you were feeding your cat Fancy Feast? I don't think Fancy Feast is very good anymore. Well, I don't know. Look, Fancy Feast. Come on. Come on.

Let me just. Let me just. If you're going to the cat shelter, right? Right. And you come in with stuff called seafood classic pate or poultry and beef feast variety or grilled seafood or what is this one? The white meat chicken appetizer canned food. Appetizer? White meat chicken appetizer canned food. Appetizer?

It literally, it says A-P-P-E-R-T-I-Z-E-R. Appetizer. That's what it says. All right. All of these, I'm just saying, there's cheaper canned food than this. And if this is what you're rolling into, for 30 cans of Fancy Feast, 10 each. This one says it's $18.44.

So really, it's not expensive at all. Oh my god, maybe I am wrong. I thought Fancy Feast was like, but hold on. Try cat food. Try cat food is more expensive than fancy feast what is happening

here's the thing alright it's called fancy feast to make you think it's high quality like ooh this is the fancy feast it's like calling a new mcdonald's hamburger like the royal burger it's the same shit yeah but it's for cats

actually screw this I'm not wrong it's the kids who are wrong. $18.44. $18.44 for 30 cans of cat food. Why are you spending that much money on a damn cat? Why are you doing it? You know what? By default, for spending that much money, even if you own the cats or not, you're a cat lady.

I don't care what anyone says. If you're buying all that stuff, even if you take it to a shelter, because you care for cats that much, even ones that aren't your own, cat lady. I'm not even, argument's over. I don't even know who I'm fighting with. Argument over. You're all wrong, internet. Every last one of you is wrong. Well, I don't know.

I know a lot of shitty cat foods Are just like really bad like roadkill food That's why they're not good This one's called Fancy Feast Gravy Lovers It's probably just roadkill and gravy Gravy lovers Fancy Feast it smells terrible Fancy Feast is the grossest smelling

Well hold on Purina has stuff Purina Cat Chow Come on 10 pounds of Purina cat chow. Come on. 10 pounds of Purina cat chow, $49.99. Why not just send a 10 pound bag instead of 100 little tiny mini cans? You should probably just go to Costco. Buy some bulk, save money. That's what I'm saying. I feel like this lady, I don't know. I don't know. I feel like she just has cats and likes her cats

and people need to stop giving me a hard time because she's the problem, not me. Maybe she likes her cats, so she just wants to spend a little more money to get them happy. Is that bad? Is that a bad thing? Yeah. Oh, I hate cats. They're the worst. Well, then it sounds like you're just biased

against cats. Oh, I am I very much There we go. We figure it out. You'd be off my jury and the cat lawsuit Yeah, I Like cats I like dogs and cats though. I like both So dogs and then I got cats now me dog set. I like both. I like dogs. Because I grew up with dogs, and then I got cats, and now I'm a dog cat. I just don't want to own a dog. I just don't want to own a pet. Can't I, like, appreciate the fact that, like, I don't...

This is even one of those things where, like, man, I don't want to own pets because, like, you can't control nature. No, I just don't want to be responsible for anything. Yeah. You're just an irresponsible person. I just like being able to just get up and leave and not have to worry about other people. Is that so wrong? Does that make me a bad human being that I don't want to care about someone else?

Now, does that, let's see, is that going to bring you closer to the true you or further away from the true you? That's a very good question. What is the true me? I guess we'll find out in the future. Yeah, there's a lot of potential in me to go the supervillain route, and I'm not sure that's okay. I don't know that I want to find out the true me is like, yes, Batman, you'll never stop me.

Like, I don't want that. I don't want that. Dude, what if? All right, I'm rewinding it a bit. What if people in, like like the medieval ages had twitter you ever think about that like lol just got invaded by the mongols hashtag city destroyed can i tell you something i feel like it wouldn't be any different at all probably wouldn't there be a guy who'd be like evidence the earth is flat and be like LOL, no it's not renaissance

nerd. And he's like, uh-uh LOL, sun is center of universe. So has anyone else drank the water from the stream nearby? I think I did and I think I got the death plague. Don't get vaccinated against the death plague.

You're gonna have a bad time, everyone. What's a vaccination? Your kids are gonna time, everyone. What's a vaccination? Your kids are going to get other diseases. What's a vaccination, me lord? You're actually right. Don't let them put leeches on you. You're going to get diseases. My grandpappy lived all the way to 44.

It's like only people born in the 1490s would get this joke. Yeah. Yeah. I'd actually like to see that if it was like medieval people on Twitter for a week and they just scroll through. That'd be great. Can we do a thing? So I was talking with people who went to a Renaissance fair

and they went as like goofy stuff instead of like, I'm a sexy pirate. Right. Right. Right. What if we went as traveling salesmen with a big thing of bluebirds and we're like, sign up for Twitter, sign up for Twitter.

We walked around and we're like, would you like a tweet, my lord? We like hand him like a little note and it says something like really stupid. It has like a, like a drawing of a frog sipping tea or something. I like that. I think that'd be fun. That'd be a really fun bit to do at a renaissance fair.

That would be. Signing off for Twitter. Well, we got to get bluebirds. They can be fake. They can just be like fake birds. Yeah, that's true. And we put them in like a big thing and I wear it on my back. Oh, yeah.

And we're just like, it's a big cage on my back. And we're just like, sign up for Twitter. My lords. My lords and ladies. I like that. Yeah. The newest fashion from Milan. Right?

Because nothing's different. Still works. What else did you do this week? Top five plagues you may receive in your lifetime. Number three will surprise you. It's polio. What else did I do? Man.

Oh my god. Last night. You know what? Oh my god, last night I invited people over, we were like Let's watch a movie, let's order some food Watch a movie We got this hankering, we were like What kind of movie should we watch? What weird ass movie should we watch? We watched the film Jupiter Ascending

I've heard of that I need you To just go watch this. Everyone, stop what you're doing. Go watch this movie. Oh, yeah, that's the one with Mila Kunis. Yeah, it's with Mila Kunis. That's right. Is a young Russian woman who cleans toilets for a living. Who cleans toilets for a living.

But is actually Space Queen. Meanwhile, Channing Tatum plays a lycan tent which is a space werewolf? And

he is basically a super soldier who had wings at one point but lost his wings due to circumstances in the movie but what he does have are shoes that are hover roller skates and in this film there is literally a scene where through the skyline of chicago because that's where it takes place through the skyline of chicago literal that's where it takes place. Through the skyline of Chicago, literal jet fighters, like alien spacecraft, are chasing him as he skates through the skyline of Chicago. They are destroying the city. He's just like, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. It's crazy.

I've never seen anything like this movie in my life. It is insane. At one point, there are three villains, right? But one of the villains is Eddie Redmayne, and he is literally playing Voldemort, but like the kind of weird version of him. Like it's Voldemort who's like, You must bring me the girl.

I must have her. No! Like that. That's every line where he's like, he's really quiet. And then he says one thing like, yeah! And you're like, whoa, okay. All right. This was a character choice.

And the plot, the plot is insane. For a movie being about Mila Kunis' character, she does nothing. She literally does nothing. She gets taken around the galaxy from place to place to place just witnessing stuff. Meanwhile, the same rescue attempt happens literally three times. At three points in this movie, the Lycenton dude rescues her the exact same way. It is insane. The whole movie is like watching someone

compress a trilogy of films into one two-hour movie. It's insane. There's one point where it's very clear that she has a thing for him. By the way, P.S., he's straight up just wearing elf ears. Channing Tatum has a thing for him. By the way, P.S., he's straight up just wearing elf ears. Channing Tatum

has a discolored beard and elf ears on. It's crazy. And at one point, they're having a conversation. You can tell she's kind of into him, because he's like, Your Majesty. She's like, Oh, say that again. Right? And then she says a line

that's like, I like dogs. And we were like, Whoa! Is she going to bang this dude because she likes dogs? Oh my god, it is a truly crazy movie. There's a scene in the middle of it where they're like, oh, we have to process you as a queen. So they take her to a bureaucratic planet and like a little kind of wacky scene starts happening where they go through bureaucracy and they get sent from one

building to another and one window to another. You know, it's the DMV. And then she's even like, I'll never complain about the DMV again. It's like a six minute scene in the middle of the movie where literal lives are at stake. This scene happens. It's crazy. I've never, admittedly, I was kind of drunk, so maybe half of this I just made up.

But I've never laughed so hard in my life. The whole movie was out of control. I enjoyed it, but not because it was good, but because it was a riot. The things happening in that film, I've never seen anything like that. Genuinely insane. The hero literally just roller skates everywhere. He roller skates through the sky. He roller skates through space.

He roller skates through the battlefield. He has at least three battles where he roller skates off of walls. It's crazy. Here's the crazy thing. It was made in 2015. It feels like it is a movie that was made in the late 90s or early 2000s. When they were just like, F it, sci-fi. This is, it's like a Wachowski.

Someone said, well, The Matrix, I guess they can't do any wrong. And just let them make this. Because this is out of control. I don't even know what to say. Go watch it. Go watch it. Report back. Everyone, report back because that is insane.

It's an insane movie. I'm going to watch this movie. I need to do it. Go watch it. It is crazy. It starts out like, okay, this could be fun and progressively gets more and more insane. And I don't

I don't even know what to say. It's wild. I'm going to do it. This week I'm going to watch that movie and I'll report back. You should. Jupiter's, I'm going to remind you. I need to hear your thoughts because I know once you see it you will be like

That actually happened I'm going to write it down I'm going to write it down right now Jupiter ascending Jupiter Ascending Alright I mean that's it, that's really all I did

I uh I went and played On. I went and played on Thursday, I went and played some games, but I can't really talk about it, but one of the games is the most Crandor game I've ever played. Hands down. I'll have to tell you off the air, but it was

so funny. It is. Yeah, it's like a Japanese fever dream. It's crazy. And I went to Tumblr on Tuesday That was interesting I did Monster Prom promotions But like it wasn't real Tumblr It was just you know LA Tumblr So everyone there was very nice

Everyone was very nice everything was great But I realized just like with this podcast When I talk I just start There is no stop She's like okay yeah just read through these comments And we'll make a video out of what you say I went for a solid 15 minutes straight Rambling and they were like that was great

I was like I don't know what I said I have no idea what I said but thank you It's the life of the YouTube streamer YouTuber slash streamer You just keep rolling and then you just go into a fever dream That's really what it is I just Warp away from my body

And then I come back and I'm like Oh okay well we did it I'm like alright Cool Shit dude that's all I got Alright well You know Crendor It doesn't have to be all you got.

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All you have to do is sign up at Crandor.Robinhood.com That's Crandor.Robinhood.com That's Crandor.Robinhood.com Alright, Crandor, what is... I guess we're going to chop... I was going to say what's the big news story, but I guess we gotta go through the wholeood.com. All right, Crenthood. What is... I guess we're going to chop this guy. I was going to say, what's the big news story? But I guess we got to go through the whole thing.

Yes. All right, chop this guy. How's that traffic out there? Hey, well, traffic copter's looking bad. And the traffic's actually not too bad today. See a couple of cars, see a couple of buses, see a couple of planes, see a couple of other chopper copters. I didn't know this technology was actually invented to the point where other people could use it.

So we're going to have to file some patent pending lawsuits. Does that sound like multiple helicopters? That does sound like multiple helicopters a little bit. It just sounds like they're up there. Yeah, that's it. It hurts to go this fast. Sometimes you got to play through the pains, like what I always say. Either way, pretty nice traffic out there.

We're getting close to a lot of things. St. Patrick Day is coming up. It hurts. And, you know, really, I'm just dragging this out. Why? Keep doing it. But I think we're going to have to wrap it up. So back to you.

Oh, hi. Okay. My hands, my chest, everything about me hurts. Ow. It's your workout. doing it but I think we're gonna have to wrap it up so back to you oh hi okay my hands my chest everything about me hurts out your workout oh what's going on with the weather weather weather hey welcome to weather today we're gonna type in uh let's see if there's a funny place like Goomba there's no city named Goomba how about uh potato potato lake uh that's not as bad what about like uh uh goom goom goombi? Goombungie?

These are all Australian, by the way. Yeah, it sounds it. Goombie, Goombungie, and Goombura, or Goomburian. Which one do you want? I'm going to let you choose. Goomburian sounds nice. Goomburian sounds too nice to me. I'm going to you choose Goomburian sounds nice Goomburian sounds too nice to me I'm gonna go with Goombungy okay

okay in Goombungy Australia it's 79 degrees feels like 80 high 81 low 63 UV index extreme extreme UV index I don't think I've ever seen that in six years get your suntan

slip slap slop everyone slip slap or is it slop slip slap whatever uh sun and clouds mixed 81 degrees fahrenheit got winds 10 20 miles per hour winds could occasionally gust over 40 miles an hour so put your coat on and watch out for those gusts. But I mean, it's 80 degrees. You don't need a coat, so I don't know. Listen, I don't know how to deal with Australian weather. Tonight, 63. Tomorrow, 83. Tuesday night, 65. Wednesday, 87. This will be a nice

hot week down there. And by Goombungi is to Woomba. How are these... You know? Don't question this. Don't question Australia. I don't need them coming at you being like,

you live in Chicago. What kind of name is that? It's better than Toowoomba and Kabungie. That's all perspective, I'm afraid. That's all perspective. That's not perspective. Like Brisbane. Alright, that's... Okay, I could deal with Brisbane. Or like Bundabergisbane all right that's okay i could deal brisbane or uh like bundaberg even bundaberg's okay uh but then you got chinchilla the city of

chinchilla named after the animal probably or is the animal named after chinchilla the world might never know unless somebody googles it uh warwick hey that's a league of legends champion uh grafton coughs harbor tamworth armadale waris creek maroon sound normal to me yeah a lot of these sound normal i think it's just that small area uh let's see small just that one little specific area i hate oh nope there's, there's Wagga Wagga That's great, I would love to live in Wagga Wagga Are you sure? We have Wagga Wagga Washington, yes

You really want to live in Wagga Wagga Where's Wagga Wagga? It's like South Australia Alright, let's look up Wagga Wagga Wagga Wagga Things to do in Wagga Wagga Wagga Wagga Botanic Gardens. National Art Glass Gallery.

Victory Memorial Gardens. Here we go. Visit Wagga Wagga. Wagga Wagga is right near Canberra and it's right near Melbourne. And it's like, Wagga Wagga looks great. But it's called Wagga Wagga. Yeah, I would love to live in Wagga Wagga. great But it's called Wagga Wagga Yeah why would you I would love to live in Wagga Wagga I don't know

I don't know What about Tumba Rumba That looks great too Tumba Rumba is right near Paddy's River Come on now Why did they name things like this

Crikey Dikey I don't know Probably because It was like a native tongue or some sort. I guess that makes sense. I mean, these are the same people who are like, give me old Ristie. What the hell?

Give him the Ristie name, Wagga Wagga. Blimey. Yaringo Billy. There's a little thing called Yaringo Billy. Buckendera. Yaringo Billy. Krakenera. Yaringo Billy. Krakenback is the name of a place. Come on. These are all great.

Let's see. There's got to be an amazing one. Bib and Luke. Tonto Wongolo is the name of a place. Come on. This is great. These all just sound like tongue twisters. One Boing.

Yambula. Nungata yambula come on there's no next year yeah this is this is where they filmed the civilization five theme song it's gotta be uh cooktown port doug like i feel like some of these places got settled by the British. You see that. And then others are just bred from the Australians themselves. Like Walla Walla. I love... Melbourne was lovely. I would go back there in a heartbeat.

I think that's what's weird about it. It's like you see Walla Walla and Goomberry. And then you got Gladstone, Rockhampton, St. Lawrence. Well, that's no different. Hold on. Hold on. Illinois. Why don't you go to your crazy-ass state?

Let's see how you like this. Let's see how you like it. All right. There's Chicago. When you go outside of Chicago, you have Stavanger. The South has a lot of crazier names, probably. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You have Stavanger, and you have Varna.

You have Anawan, Keweeney. These are all just like native names, probably. Yeah, those do sound very native names. of driving to Decatur. You have Assumption, Mowica, and Macone, unless it's Macon. And then, like, next to that you have

Nokomis. Those still don't sound like googly-woogly. Those are much more fun. Yours sound like depressing places to live. I want to live in their places You probably are depressed there Those places sound terribly depressing I want to live in their places

But what happens if you go to Googly Woogly Expecting a Googly Woogly time and then they're not happy I guarantee you they're having a Googly Woogly time That's probably where that shit came from Like you can have an old Googly Woogly You can get your sephiristy Yeah man You guys are the one person who hates living in Googly Woogly where that shit came from like you can have it out googly will go get your sephiristy yeah man i will hate living in googly woogly nope nobody everyone loves living in googly woogly

it is a fact every last one of them all right there's got to be at least one person here that lives in one of those wacky named places tell me about it no tell us about it no one's gonna you know what they're gonna tell you they're gonna tell you shove off mate get yourself a wristy that's what they're gonna tell you uh let's see no i don't think they're gonna do that um all right that's what uh that's that's the weather all right let's do sports sports uh hey welcome to sports today we're gonna talk about some sports uh first off we had big news over in the basketballs where lebron james continues to lose with the lakers uh showing that he might be getting old or the team's just bad.

Oh, LeBron. Sad times for LeBron and the Lakers. We also had baseball starting up. Bryce Harper has signed with the Philadelphia Phillies for $330 million over 13 years. What? Actually, you know what? Wait, no, there's no you know. I was about to be like, 13 years. What? Actually, you know what? Wait, no, there's no you know what. I was probably like, 13 years is a long time.

No, that's still a lot of money. There's no you know what. There's no like, you know what, it's actually spread out over a while. That's still a lot of money per year. It is a lot of money per year. What is that, like $330 million? Where's my calculator? $330 divided by 13.

That's like 25 million a year. Yeah, too much. Yeah, that is a lot. I don't even think he's that good. Like, he's good. He hits a lot of home runs. He's pretty, but like, you know, probably find someone better for less.

Or at least, you know, pretty much the same. It's just too much money. Just in general. Like, it's just, the sport is the same. It's just too much money. Just in general. It's too much money, dude. The sport is too expensive. Yeah, that's probably the problem with baseball. It's like all these teams have so much money and there's like barely a cap room.

That's what I'm saying. It's crazy. It's like, let's spend money to make another great team. And it's like, okay, cool. That's why every time it's like, we're the best teams again. It's like Chicago, New York, LA. You know, all these like big cities, Philadelphia.

But what are you going to do? One year the Diamondbacks are coming to take back their title. Get them, Diamondbacks. Go, Diamies. Diamies. Cry. I don't know. I don't know anything about the Diamondbacks at all.

I just figured the Arizona fans call them Dymies because they're old. I don't know. I love my Dymies, Mike. And the NFL news and free agency, the Jacksonville Jaguars expected to land Nick Foles, the Philadelphia guy that's really good, won the Super Bowl. So now the Jaguars might be on the rise again with Nick Foles as quarterback. Nope, not happening. I'm rooting for the Jaguars.

No, no, no one's rooting for the Jaguars. Even Jaguars fans aren't rooting for the Jaguars. There's some other free agent stuff going on. A lot of combine action. They're like doing the combine, testing out the rookies. And that's pretty much sports. All right, Gregor, what is our big news story of the day?

Big news story of the day. We had one that kept getting sent to us. Actually, there's a couple I've seen. The first one was man accused of dipping testicles in salsa over 89 cent tip. I saw this. What is this story? A Tennessee man was jailed on felony charges after appearing to dip his testicles into a container of salsa that a customer had ordered online. The delivery driver allegedly recorded it and posted a video online saying,

this is what you get when you give an 89 cents tip for an almost 30 minute drive. News outlets report that the passenger, 31-year-old Howard Matthews Webb, was arrested last week and charged with adulteration of food. Dinner delivered. What? Wait, what? The adulteration of food? Yeah, alright. I mean, I guess that's a crime. I was unaware

of it, but yeah, alright. Were you touching that food? I was trying to. Have a seat over here. Hi. What were you going to do with that salsa? I don't know. I just thought I'd put my

testicles in it. Hi. I respect your honesty. You realize this salsa is not that old? I did not. I just looked, and I'm just going to leave. Fuck them, boys. Ah, he's tasering me.

Dinner delivery said the food service. You just had a whole bit there. You just had a whole bit. I want people to realize, by yourself, you had a whole bit, and it was great. That was a great bit. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, that was very good.

I'll be here all night. By all night, I mean another five minutes. Yeah, yeah. Dinner delivered said the food service has fired the driver and forwarded information about her to authorities as well. Webb remains behind bars pending a March 12th hearing. His arrest warrant says they picked up the food for delivery from a local Mexican restaurant. The company issued a refund for the tainted food.

Can I be real with you? Okay. I would not want to know some dude dipped his balls in my salsa. No. I would rather be oblivious to the fact than get revenge on the guy who did. then get revenge on the guy who did. If I had a choice of getting, like, I don't know, something from my company because a dude stuck his balls in my salsa, or I didn't have to know a dude stuck his balls in my salsa

and I just ate the salsa and was okay, I'd rather be okay with it. I'd rather have ball salsa and not be aware than know forever that I ate ball salsa. I mean, I'd rather just not get ball salsa. Well, no, you don't have that choice. This isn't like a more wishes genie scenario where you can just like weasel your way out of it. No, you either get balls and you know it or get balls and you don't know it.

I'm not going to get any balls because I tip well. Well, maybe some guy wants more and he's still, maybe you give, all right, you give a $20 tip. Do sixes nuts in your balls. Wait. I don't know about that one, chief. Oh, boy. Sixes nuts, sixes balls in your salsa.

Do you want to know that he did it or do you not want to know? Why isn't he doing it if he's getting a $20 tip? Because he's still a dick! He's still an asshole! What? Doesn't make any sense. It doesn't matter! The scenario is the scenario! Do you want to know or not?

Wait, so what was it? Either you don't know he did it, or you know he did it? Yes, either you eat the salsa, and you don't know he did it, or eat the salsa, you find out he did it? Yes. Either you eat the salsa and you don't know he did it or eat the salsa you find out he did it and then you like can arrest the dude. Well I guess either way you're like gonna eat

the salsa so I'd rather just not know. That's what I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. I'd rather just eat the salsa and not know than have to go through the whole thing and be like yes your honor that's the guy who stuck his nuts in my salsa. Right? Like, I don't want to deal with that.

That's a hassle. I'd rather just have that salsa extra balls. Salsa extra balls than deal with that other crap. That sounds like a hassle. The other story we had was two arrested in buffet brawl over crab legs. Yo, sometimes you got to have crab legs. All right, I'm in. Huntsville, Alabama.

Alabama police say dispute over crab legs at a dinner buffet ended in a brawl that left two people facing misdemeanor charges. Huntsville police officer Gerald Johnson said he was eating at the Meteor Buffet restaurant when a fight broke out. The Meteor Buffet? That's a great name for a buffet. Johnson tells TV the diners were using service tongs like fencing swords.

Of course they were. And plates were shattering and a woman was beating a man. Johnson says diners had been waiting in line for crab legs for more than 10 minutes and they lost their tempers once the food came out the station reports shakita jenkins is charged with assaulting john chapman who suffered a cut on his head chapman is charged with disorderly conduct court records aren't available to show Oh, they don't have lawyers. I love just this scenario of them waiting for these crab legs. The crab legs come out, and they're like, uh?

And then one goes to block the other one with the tongs. And then it's like a little tiny mini sword fight going on. And then they just back off and square up and go at it. I dream of having witnessed this. This sounds amazing. This does sound amazing. I wish I could have witnessed this. This sounds like something would happen at breakfast. Yeah, if they were just fighting

this would have been a brawl and boring. But they tongue fenced. That is incredible. That's incredible. Let's see. When they spoke with Gerald Johnson johnson was apparently enjoying a meal at said buffet he says he looked up from his plate when he heard plates shattering and metal tongs clashing and he said quote it's not something you typically hear if you can imagine a fencing

match then he said they've been waiting for they've been waiting there for the crab legs for a good 10 20 minutes when they finally came out. It's very heated, especially if someone is taking more than their fair share. It's like they're mad because they're taking more crab legs than they should have been taking. If there's really anyone at fault, it's the buffet. Because if you are taking 20 minutes to make new crab legs for the buffet,

shouldn't you just have crab legs on the, you know, it's a buffet. Let's be real. No one's going to buffet expecting the highest quality food. They just want the most medium quality they can get. I'm going to look up the Meteor Buffet. I got to know. Let's see.

It's got three and a half stars. It's a Chinese buffet. Right. Chinese buffets are usually buffets that are like, we serve General Tso's chicken, but also tater tots. And grease. Lots of grease. Yeah. Let's see.

Johnny D says one word. Oh my God. What? The photo of the two people who fought. Oh, yeah. He is an old man. He is an old man. He is an old man. He's an old man, and she's like a woman that looks like she just got hit by a blast wave that shot her hair back.

Yeah, you're right. You're right. Oh, my God. And they, wow. Here's my problem. The media buffet right next to Taco Bell. If I had a choice, I'd be real. Taco Bell.

At least they have some food standards. Yeah. Someone said one word. Bugs. Plates and on the bar. Service is good and food, but like I said, roaches. No, you can't say service is good and food, but roaches. You just can't.

You just can't say that and be like, it's good food, but roaches. Would you have roaches in your salsa or balls in your salsa? I'd rather have balls, truthfully. Bugs gross me out. I don't know. If I had to be real, hold on,

do I know about either of these? What do I know? Because a a bug you can kind of like Would it be in the salsa that I got Or would they have just been around the salsa Because then I'll take the bugs Because bugs are in everything you eat But if I had to like discover That there was just a roach in my salsa

I'd rather have the balls That I didn't see be put in it than the roach that I did see. Because then I'd be scarred for life and never eat salsa again. Here's the thing. When they say... I know that's always a big thing. Like, there's roaches here. Like, shut it down.

But, like, why? Like, are roach... Do they, like... When you eat a roach, do you get, like, food poisoning? Like, is it bad? There's, like, roach eggs and stuff. I don't know, man. That's what I'm saying.

No one wants roaches. I just want to know. I need to look this up. Why are roaches bad? There's like roach eggs. I don't know man. That's what I'm saying. I just want to know I Need to look this up. Why are roaches? bad While they do not bite or sting they do feed and live in areas that harbor dangerous bacteria such as bathrooms Drains and dumpsters the American cockroach carries the bacteria on their body that can contaminate food as well as areas where food is prepared See? You don't want that. Oh, Jesus.

Yeah. They can carry diseases. What's so bad about cockroaches? They're going to kill your ass. They can carry salmonella, staphylococcus, and streptococcus. They can also harbor viruses such as the polio virus. Holy Jesus. I didn't know they were that bad.

There you go. Now you know. you know dear god no wonder all right uh i don't think i'll be eating at the meteor buffet uh can i all right so i went oh my god all right i went down this rabbit hole so i went and looked at reviews right and this one person wrote a review that was like, this place was really, really good. The food was good, but it wasn't very clean. It stank a lot. And I was like, okay, what reviews has this person written? Mm-hmm. Red Lobster, almost the exact same review.

Orders incorrect, just not worth the money. Taco Bell, staff was friendly, but very little meat, cheese, et cetera on your food. Very disappointed. Then he comes down to the Lifeway Christian store This might be my favorite review ever Very good A friendly staff I only gave it 4 out of 5 stars

Because the selection of KJV Bibles wasn't good I didn't know there was a wide variety of KJV Bibles. I thought there was only one King James version of the Bible. I didn't know there were multiple ones that they wanted more of. This one's green. I wanted blue. Their selection wasn't good, so I gave them four out of five stars. That's crazy.

That's like how many types of Bibles are there? I love this one. Food, Crack-O-Barrel, right? You're like, all right, Crack-O-Barrel. This is going to be good. Food and service was great. No complaints. It wasn't overcrowded at all.

It was great. It's the one off the parkway. Four out of five stars. This guy's ruthless. This guy's ruthless. Best place I've ever eaten. Loved it. Four out of five stars.

This guy's really best place I've ever eaten. Loved it. Four out of five stars. This guy literally went through and ranked every single part of Disney, Disney world. It looks like Disney's animal kingdom. Five out of five. Amazing rides.

Disney Springs. Four out of five. Good, but lots of walking Disney's boardwalk villas. Good service was poor. Disney's boardwalk resort. Two stars. I want poor. Disney's Boardwalk Resort, two stars. I want to complain. There were no benefits to this hotel.

Epcot Center, five stars. Great place. Good food. Very fun. Don't come during food or wine season, though, for crowds. Magic Kingdom, five stars. Exhausting, but it's for the kids. Disney, Hollywood Studios.

It's Disney. Most everything is great, but the crowds are large. Five stars. Went through every single thing. These are all literally, I don't know, eight word reviews. I thought you actually had to leave feedback and stuff. I didn't know you just get away with this. I leave way more reviews.

I was like, I ain't here. It was okay. 3 out of 5 yeah stopped by for some food while I was driving man I was tired 5 out of 5 like what why 5 out of 5 I don't know Yelp is great

but also the worst it is indeed. All right. Speaking of leaving reviews, leave us some. Go to iTunes or wherever you're listening to this and leave us reviews. It can be like that if you want. Like, it was on. Five out of five.

All right. Cut ahead with the socials. Dude, my water bottle makes a weird bubbly noise. I don't know what it is. I heard it. I heard that weird bubbly noise. Socials. We got twitch.tv slash Crandor, twitch.tv slash jessicox, youtube.com slash jessicox, youtube.com slash Crandor.

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Dot clom. Dot clom. And that's it. Alright, well that's it. All right. Well, that's it for us. Thank you so much for listening, watching, whatever you're doing. We'll be back with another episode soon. So, as always, beep.

To be continued.