Cox n' Crendor Show - Episode 192 - Karate Witch!

Episode Date: April 15, 2019

It's time for more nonsense, fresh from the non-content mines! This week the boys talk about aging, wine, and fine dining... wait what?! Also Crendor let's know know about his water habits and Jesse refuses to believe him. There's also way too many good stories coming out of Florida! All this and more an this exciting episode of Cox n' Crendor! Get any premium Indochino suit for $359 at http://indochino.com with promo code: COX Order your 23andMe Health + Ancestry Service kit at http://23andme.com/cox

Today's episode is brought to you by Indogino. You're gonna look good, and you're gonna put some sweet clothes on your body, and everyone else is gonna say, you look good. That's really what it's all about. Because, you don't want to look bad, because then you might as well just be Crandor and I. Also, today brought to you by 23andMe. You know, deep down in your DNA, there is a world of information waiting to be explored and looked at. We'll talk about that as well, but let's jump into this podcast. Beep.

Hello, everybody. It's time for Ghost on Trend Dog. Ghost on Trend Dog in the morning. In the morning. Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour reporting studio. Recording! Wake your ass up! It's Cox and Crendor in the morning! Cox and Crendor in the morning!

Hello everybody, welcome to an exciting episode of Cox and Crandor in the morning. Hey, what's going on? Cox and Crandor in the morning. What? Are you like smooth jazzing this? Are we an NPR station now? The last couple times I've been like, this time I thought I'd bring it down a notch. Yeah, right? You gotta do that sometimes. Although, I feel like

the more you hype it up, for some reason, I can't, this story has been in my mind lately and I don't know why, but when I used to live in New York,

there was a guy who did car commercials and every time he did commercials, he would be like, my lot is huge! And eventually, he kept doing it to the point where it would get even crazier and he would be like, my lot is huge! And eventually, he kept doing it to the point where

it would get even crazier. And eventually, one commercial came along where he was like, it's pretty big. And I was like, did he set us all up for this? Did he play us? I feel like he just got tired.

People probably made him shout that all the time, and he was like, I have a very big, everyone, it's a very big lot. There's a lot of cars here, okay? It's very big. It's fine. It'll just throw you off. It gets your attention. Yeah.

You're so used to the other thing. Right. I think he was very smart. He was a pre-Crendor Crendor. Yeah. Damn. That guy knew me before I knew me. Probably. Probablyor. Yeah. Damn. That guy knew me before I knew me. Probably.

Probably true. Yeah. That was like in 2001. So I don't even think you were born then. 2001? Yeah. Definitely not born then. Yeah.

You weren't even alive in 2001. You didn't exist. Crazy stuff, dude. I can't wait to turn 18. Yeah. I don't know if you're aware. Crendor is actually 14 years old. Yeah, it's kind of insane.

It's the weird friendship between a man in his 30s and a 14. Don't call the police. I'll have you know I'm still 29. All right, for another few months. And then a big 3-0. What's going to happen to you? You're going to hit 30? I'm terrified for you. I already know what's going gonna happen to you you're gonna hit 30 i'm terrified for you

i already know what's gonna happen i'm gonna hit 30 and then everyone's be like what's different i'm gonna be like nothing and then yeah no that's exactly what happened to me too i hit 30 was like oh all right if anything i've already started experiencing the 30s in my late 20s. In fact, I've started experiencing my 70s and my late 20s. So now, it's only backwards from here. Can I tell you, speaking of which, the other day I was like,

man, I really want some Indian food. So I went to this Indian place and it was right before it closed. And I got a chicken vindaloo as spicy as they could make it and some garlic naan and I was like oh my god this is gonna be so good so I'm sitting there watching tv dipping the naan living my life everything I thought was gonna be fine I thought for sure I can I thought I can still do this I can eat hot food everything's fine apparently I've hit the point in my life where that's not possible anymore.

I literally woke up the next day and I'm going to say my spleen, I don't know where, like the lower part of my body, like my torso hurt in a way I've never, like I was like, oh. Welcome to my life. It hurt in a way

I've never felt before. And it was I think all just like vindaloo farts i don't know it was all like stored up in there and it was like it hurts it hurts so bad i was like why does this hurt so bad oh yeah that's when you already got like no gallbladder like me and then you tie it in with like ibs gastritis, and whatever else is in there, I can't do it anymore. I used to be able to eat spicy, hot Mamma Mia's every day. And now, I'm just like, well, I could eat a little bit, but can't go overboard. Otherwise, woohoo.

So I just, you know, I don't even. That's never happened to me before. I have a stomach like a steel drum in that it plays delightful Jamaican music. But I don't know. I don't know what's going on. I woke up and it was like, oh, why? I couldn't even stretch a certain way. It just hurt so bad.

And I was like, what is happening? Mind you, I'm not going to let you know how this story ends, but everything came out all right. Well, the problem for me, right? I have that. But the problem is then I kind of avoid all those things that are, like, triggering foods. And I start feeling better. And I'm like, hey, you know, I think we're on the right path. And I'm like, I can eat, you know i think uh i think we're on the right path and i'm like i can eat you know flaming hot doritos and then you know the next day i'm like all right well i can't

eat flaming hot doritos and then you heal yourself up and you're like hey i can do this thing and then you're like nope i can't and it's just a process of like learning and unlearning and learning and unlearning and i've been doing that for about three years at this point you're like open to the possibilities not me i'd be like you know what i'd rather have a good chicken wing than not a good the thing is sometimes here's the weird part about all this it's like my gal all my gastro doctors by the way i have multiple gastro doctors they're just like yeah keep a food diary right i've mentioned this before the thing is like sometimes i'm like all right this thing irritated me and

then i'm like oh i ate it again and i felt fine and then i ate something else that made me feel fine that irritated me and they're like yeah it's kind of wonky i'm like what all right by the way yeah speaking of these things starbucks ice water i am I don't get it there are so many places you can just get water, but you're like Starbucks it's not even you're not buying the bottled version they have here's asking for water from their tail Alright, so it's just tap water. It's not. Okay. So, all right. I have, first off, I started, I'm starting a non-content review series. And the first thing I've reviewed is Starbucks ice water. It's going up today on my YouTube channel.

Now, two years ago, 2017, I tweeted to Dodger, Sam, Gmart, Benjix. None of them believe me about the ice water from Starbucks. How good it looked, how good it tastes, right? Then I learned that nobody believes me, which all of them, very dumb, very dumb. Then you obviously think I'm crazy, but you already think I'm crazy already. So that's not even saying anything. But if you search Starbucksbucks ice water i'm doing it right now this is happening there are people many people reviewing starbucks ice water including

including the report of the week the guy i talked about last week about why he always drinks starbucks ice water this is a real thing all right first off i may have mentioned this like a long time ago they filter the water three times all right so this is heavily filtered water okay that's number one number two it's free all right you're getting heavily filtered water for free people would pay for this stuff and you can get like a a trenta of it let's drink it all day. And third, it looks very good. So there's a placebo effect to that as well. At some point, when you get your coffee, get an ice water.

It's free. All right? You don't have to pay for it. Say, can I also get like a tall ice water? All right? That's all you got to do. They'll give it to you and then just try it. All right?

I watched that shitty ass movie, so you got to drink this ice water. I mean, I guess they're of equal equivalence. I would much rather have... I'd rather watch this ice water for two hours than watch that again. Oh, my God. 13 things Starbucks employees won't tell you. Oh, man. Okay, I'm in on this.

This is important. This is important stuff. First off, everybody, tweet at Jesse every day this week to get the ice water until he does it. Are you kidding me? After we're done here, on the way home to watch Game of Thrones tonight, I am going to go get coffee and an ice water. I'm not even going to wait.

I'm going to tweet the water, and I'll let you know if it's good or not. Because I have, in my life, I got not even going to wait. I'm going to tweet the water and I'll let you know if it's good or not. Because I have in my life I got Fiji water at home. I have the water that we get here at the office. I usually during the course of the day will get water at a restaurant. I

have a lot of experience with water. I love water. I'm the person who got you in the Fiji water because I bought it. And you're like, why are you buying that water? And I'm like, because I am also a water connoisseur. All right. I love I love I drink a lot of water in the day.

I love. So I I love water. And I'm letting you know, like, I was like, I love water. I love the process of living. I love it more. We're just trying to flex on water. By the way, I'm going to let you know that it's because of you that most of the stupid things I do happen. I learned it from you.

It really is true. All right. So first off, let's see what we got here. Okay. Number one. Oh, by the way, this is from Reader's Digest. So your grandmother probably has a copy of this if you're listening right now. Did you see those 13 things about Starbucks?

Oh, they're definitely Reader's Digest things. Number one, befriend your barista. I actually have. At the supermarket Starbucks that's near me, they all know me. I see them with a frequency that's pretty gross. They're like, Jesse, what's going on? Yeah. Whenever I go in, the one guy, he looks like the guy what's his name from uh

that one show the seinfeld creator guy yes i know exactly wait he works there he looks like him and he just like works there and every time uh from uh what was that show he was on call that he made on HBO oh my god Larry David Larry David this guy looks exactly like Larry David every time I come in he's like hey man how's he going I love that Larry David just is your coffee guy I think I've heard to God it looks like him if I coffee people are the same three people it's this young woman who is like Such a sweetheart and she's the nicest Person in the world she asks me how work's going everyday

Uh this other Young girl who I may or may Not have a secret crush on Uh but she definitely is like Maybe 18 Um And then this woman who I think hates me But tolerates me

And she's like Do you want your coffee? Okay And like it gives me a death glare I'm like whoa Alright So yeah they all they love me there Next on this list

Order two cake pops to get a secret discount What's the discount? One of the first things that they discovered Is that if you order two cake pops at once You get a discount somewhere between 40 and 60 cents First off, cake pops suck I hate cake pops I've never even had a cake pop, to be honest

Cake pops are like 90% icing And then like cake mixed with icing in a ball form It's gross It's also very much a like Reader's Digest old person thing Like 40 cents I gotta order those cake pops Right? It's like if you just don't order the cake pops

Then you just save the money You know you didn't Oh my god This is This is for old people. Listen to this next one. Okay. Oh, my God.

Save money on hot chocolate. Instead of ordering an actual cup of hot chocolate... Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Order a steamed milk with chocolate syrup. You'll save some calories. Can I get one steamed milk with chocolate syrup. You'll save some calories. Can I get one steamed milk with chocolate syrup in it? You sound like a crazy person.

Instead of a hot chocolate, get a steamed milk with a cup of some chocolate syrup. That is incredible. The hot chocolate's an extra quarter. I saved that from ordering the cake pops. Now give me my steamed milk. The next one is called the Trenta Secret. Okay. This person says, when I used to get one to two Frappuccinos every day,

my marista would make me a Trenta-sized Frappuccino. It's not even on the menu. That's true for coffee drinks. Although it is on the menu for fruit-flavored Starbucks refreshers, the Trenta is a 31-ounces drink, and it's an unofficial upgrade for only 50 cents. I'm going to say maybe you have a problem if you're like, big isn't big enough.

Yeah, I feel like it's more than the human body can even handle like here's the thing if you get like a trenta ice water you can save it for the next day and stuff all right that's the secret that's my secret to you oh this is silly um the next tip is don't waste a drop of that single good stuff. Basically, it's saying that when they make you something like, um, if you get a grande frappuccino, for example. Right. There's always a little bit left over in the, uh, mixer. So you should always get a grande in a venti cup. So basically get a medium in a large cup so that you get every drop of everything. This is

100% the old people magazine version of this. I was expecting to get some secret background information and they're literally like, you want to get every penny of your money? You're gonna get all ripped off by these damn kids. Here's the thing. I always get a tall and a grande cup for coffee

but that's so it doesn't spill. I don't care if they put an extra drop in, I just don't want it to spill. Because every time they give me a tall coffee and a tall, they fill it all the way to the top and it starts spilling out onto my hand. And I'm like, I don't want to get burns. So I just get it in a grande cup. And sometimes they overfill it a little bit, sometimes they underfill it. I really don't care, as long as it doesn't spill. I want

tips and this is just giving me life advice. This one's like, hey. The next one says, go for short. There are short size coffee cups. You don't have to get a grande every day. Smaller sizes might save you from these things happening to your body when you drink coffee every day. And then there's a link to another article about

like, probably all coffee kills you. There's a thing called the baby Chino, which is a cappuccino minus actual espresso. What the shit? So it's just steamed milk. What? That's not steamed milk. That's a baby Chino.

There is a puppuccino, which is basically a cup of whipped cream for your furry friend. And then free water. If you liked water with your coffee, you can get free filtered water from Starbucks. That's the best tip right there. You can bring your own cup. They'll fill up your cup for a dollar. Don't do that. Just get their free ice water. Make your own cup. They'll fill up your cup for a dollar. Don't do that.

Just get their free ice water. Make your own discounted chai latte. All right, here we go. How do we do this? All right. You don't need to pay for a chai latte. You can order a simple cup of tea and request a shot of steamed milk. Plus, this hacked version has far less sugar.

What? Of course, you might not be able to get your favorite drink at all if you're in this state that has the fewest Starbucks locations. Cool, awesome. Another ad for another article. Yeah, that's how they always pull you in. Like, and then this article will tell you

this thing. Then you read that one and like, and this state has the worst Starbucks location. I gotta read this one. Order light ice in your iced coffees. state has the worst Starbucks location. I gotta read this one. Order light ice in your iced coffees. Yeah, sure. Okay. And take advantage of the awards program. I'm not even gonna lie. I do that. I've gotten more coffee than I

can count. I do that as well. It's actually pretty good. Why are we sitting here promoting Starbucks? They aren't paying us for any of this. What are we doing? We're over here like go get free. You know what? We're not promoting them. We're promoting taking their water. Everyone go get their free water and don't buy anything else. Let me bash them for a minute.

All right. Let me mix it up. So their rewards program used to be like every 10 drinks you get your 11th drink free. So I'd always get coffee. So I'd get like free coffee all the time. Then they made it. So you have to like hit a tier but through spending money so since like my coffee is really cheap i have to buy even more coffees to get my free coffee so

they made it harder for me to get free coffee very dumb i like the old system better i uh cheat the system too when i know that i have a free coffee i'll go get the biggest most elaborate coffee drink I can. I will really make sure I get my money's worth. I'll order something that ends up being like an $8 coffee. Free coffee, please! And they're like, oh!

I take it you don't drink all of it, though. My $8 coffee? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I will't drink all of it though My $8 coffee? Yeah Oh yeah, I will purposely drink all that Wowee, that's a mega drink Yeah, my like ultra mega I've earned it I had to go slog through a bunch of other like

Low fat, non fat Latte Shimolas Latte Shimolas Latte Shimolas non-fat latte shmolas with half and half. Latte shmolas? I don't know what that is. One latte shmola, please. They'd probably know it.

They'd be like, of course. That's three steamed milks and a hot chocolate mixed together. No, no, no. It's three steamed milks and chocolate syrup. You don't want to pay for that hot chocolate that's true yeah and then you then you buy two cake pops and put them in yeah you save 60 cents what is this tastes awful that's a latte schmola Oh, interesting. Yep.

That's a solid drink. You do anything else this week? Nothing particularly exciting happened to me, but we did upload a new Cox and Crandor animated. How about we head on over to that video and click the subscribe button and watch with our friends? Can I get an amen?

Amen. Speaking of which, something fun did happen to me. It's not really, it's only fun in the context of this show. The other day I was, early in the morning, there's this one radio station that every morning plays a, like, I think recorded sermon from that kind of preacher that I love. It was like, all right, ladies and gentlemen. Right.

And so every once in a while, I'll just tune in to hear how crazy it gets. And this dude was like, his sermon was about how when you're in church, you shouldn't just repeat back. You shouldn't just say things and do things and sing the hymns without thinking about it. Right. And he was like, you have to have the contemplation to avoid damnation.

Right. He's just like rhyming everything. He's like, when your meditation has no contemplation, you'll lose out on your salvation, and there will be no celebration. He's doing the whole thing. And his whole point is that you shouldn't just do things in church because you're supposed to. You should think about why you're saying this stuff, and think about why you're, right? And then the way he ends everything he says he goes you gotta think about the contemplation amen and everything child goes amen he's like all right now let me hear say amen amen

I was like wait hold on you're just asking for like a shot back you literally just got done saying don't just repeat things because you repeat them. But you're literally just going, amen. They're just going, amen. I was like, wait a minute. You should have stopped and been like, I know you just repeated what I repeated. That's what I was hoping he'd do. He did not do that. It went to a commercial break.

I thought he was going to be like, I gotcha. I gotcha, sit-ups. I never last one of you. Because it was just like, he kept saying, he kept doing it. He'd be like, you have to think about what you're doing. Can I get an amen? They're like, amen. And I was like, wait a minute.

And then he started doing it faster where he was like, there'll be a celebration of the Lord. Amen. And they go, amen. And I was like, wait, no. No. You can't do this. And I was waiting for him to just be like, gotcha, fools! And he never did.

It went to a commercial break, and I just was like, alright, and I turned to a music station. But I was waiting for him to be like, gotcha! Gotcha! The devil's inside of all of you! Nope, never happened. I was so disappointed

uh wow man there's like there's so many different varieties of like speakers and preachers and stuff which i guess is just like you know everybody's like personality uh so it's like anytime i mean i guess it'd be like a self-help thing at the same time A lot of it is just self help Yeah I mean I think a lot of Religion is self help Just like a lot of self help Sort of relies on that buy in That religion does right

You have to buy into religion in order to be like Alright I believe this Because at the end of the day A lot of religion is like and then A spaceman came down And saved us all Through the end of the day a lot of religion is like and then a spaceman came down and saved us all through the power of light force you're like wait what all right sure whatever i'm in spaceman light force star wars sign me up um i don't know what did i do uh i don't know. What did I do? I don't think I did. It snowed today, and then it's going to be 70 degrees on Tuesday.

Oh, my God. We're having a wonky spring fest. That's usually what happens in April. You get a day of snow, and then it's 80, and then it's snow, and then it's 90. Very fun. What's the weather like in August? August is usually pretty hot. Yeah. It's like eighties or low nineties. So if I was in Chicago in August, I, what should I wear?

Probably whatever you're wearing right now in LA. Oh, okay. And like, what if I were to do, what if, what if I was to do, like, a show or something in Chicago? That'd be pretty crazy. Should I wear something nice? I mean, no. Just wear whatever you're wearing. All right, no, I'm just, like, putting it out there. What if there was a Cox and Crandor live in Chicago in August?

That'd be crazy. That would be pretty crazy. And then you'd come visit and I can give you the Chicago tour. That'd be so crazy if it was at a theater in Chicago in August. That'd be insane. Yeah, that'd be so weird. Insane enough to be real. Almost so insane to be real.

I guess maybe if everyone at home right now believes strongly enough, it might happen. If you clap your hands and if you say amen with me, it may happen. Let's just bow our heads and

just please bring Cox and Crandor over here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it may happen. Who knows? Oh, I know what I did. Oh, what did you do? We went to a wine tasting thing.

Oh. Because I was like, I've never been to a wine tasting. This place had a wine tasting. So we went there. And it's just like these people like, well, here's our wine tasting list. We'll give you some tasting things. And we got this old guy who's like, not like old, old, but he's like, you know, in his 60s. So like, he's like getting up there.

But he was like, yeah, I love wine. And I used to work in fast food marketing. And I was like, well, what did you learn about? Like, how'd you get into that? And he's like, oh, it's a long story. But I'll tell you one thing. Sub subway sues their chains more than anyone and i was like what and he's like yeah and he's like you know wendy's and he's like they have more health violations than anyone i was like oh and he's like yeah they're fresh beef it's not fresh they bring it in off the truck it's a giant like thing and then it's

frozen and then they defreeze it and uh then they say it's fresh because they like cook it after it's been the like defrosted or whatever i believe that too yeah and he is like uh there's a lot of like rat hairs and shit gets into it i was like oh my god all right that's why that's why you get the the spicy chicken yeah i don't get hamburgers at Wendy's. Spicy chicken, that's the way to go. And he's like, then I was on the creative marketing team. And I'm like, what's that mean? And he's like, well, that means I helped invent things like the McRib.

And I was like, what the shit? Shut up. No, he didn't. He's like, I helped. So he's like, we ran a, when I was with McDonald's, we ran a thing in like a city. And we noticed that people would buy it for three weeks and then they'd stop. And then we did another run in Nashville and they did it for three weeks and stop. And he's like, all right, well, we can't make this like an all time like menu thing.

Nobody will buy it. So we'll just do limited time runs because all the heavy users coming in three to four times a week would buy it all the time. So we just did that. And I was like dude that shit's crazy and he's like yeah my boss is a coat he's like yeah my boss didn't think so it's like well he's like that guy had less imagination than my thumb he's like all i cared about was the money he'd be like that's a dumb idea then the money'd come in and he'd be like, that's a dumb idea. Then the money would come in and he'd be like, I love this idea.

Hate that jackass. I was like, oh. You got the inside scoop. You got the fast food inside scoop. I love this guy now as the wine tasting guy at your table. And he's like, yeah, I got a little, you know, I used all my stock options, bought a little house. You know, I opened some wine every once in a couple times a week there. You know,'s just what i do and i'm like is that why he started doing this and he's like no i did this to get away from my wife and i was like okay he's like i love her but you know i can't be around

her all the time we're like oh okay and then he just like go walk off and other people would come in and he'd be like, hey, this guy again. And he'd be like, hey. Or then just people would come in and he'd talk to them. He's a cool guy. And I tasted wine. How did you find out? How did you find out about this? What made this happen? I was looking on Yelp for wine stuff.

And you just found it? Yeah. I guess. I've become a wine douche. I drink wine more than any other alcohol. Other strong alcohols are too strong for me. And then beer can give you allergies and stuff. Wine's the only thing that's like, eh, all right.

And then you can get douchey with it. Like, no, I taste the wine. You are no wine douche. You don't know wine douche. Wine douchery. Our dear friend Alex, whenever we go out to this place called Hayden, he always is like, what kind of natural wines do you have today? And he is all up on this weird guy who lives out in Australia who makes this wine

that they only get like three of them every few months. And he's like, I'll have one. Oh, you don't even know. You have not gone down wine douchebaggery. You have no clue. We need to have a show called Wine Douche Battle. Me and Alex go against each other. I would film the two of you trying to out douche each other with the wine selections.

That wine's not good enough for me. We'll get like 10 wines, pour them out, and we'll see who can tell the wines better. Oh, I don't know. I think you probably got him on that because he'd be like, it tastes briny. And I'm like, what? That's not the flavor. He's like, it is.

I'm like, okay. I'll do it. I'll battle him. And a wine off. Let's go. I don't have that. I wish I had the desire to be like, oh, yes, I know everything about wine. However, I'd be lying if I said I haven't wanted to like,

I saw a thing where they were doing a Game of Thrones whiskey. I actually got a Game of Thrones wine from their Game of Thrones wine website. One of my Twitch subs, he's really into wine, so he'll give me money and be like, yo, dude, dude Get this wine and he told me to get the Game of Thrones Wine so I did it and now I'm gonna Drink it tonight There was a There was a

Like a whiskey tasting Thing That was Let me see if I have this Is this what it is So there's this place in LA Called I think it's the Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy

It's like a Star Wars bar And tonight Or last night, one of these nights I just didn't go because it was too much damn money They were having a Game of Thrones themed Whiskey drinking thing And every single whiskey Was named after

one, inspired by one of the different houses. And I was like, man, that would be kind of fun. That would be kind of fun. But I don't, you know, I don't know that I wanted to spend, it was something like $120 to get in the door. And I was like, I don't know

if I care that much. That's a lot for that. Tell you what, if you were to randomly appear here out of a miraculous showing of faith in August, I'll take you to a wine tasting. Yo, I would love to go to a wine tasting. And I would be like, tell me more about these wines. You can ask about fast food, if he's even there. He might have just, like, retired.

Oh, man, I would love to know his life. I would love to know everything this guy has done, everything that's in it. I see these wines, I think. I see these Game of Thrones wines. I'm looking at them right now. Yeah, I got the red wine, the Pinot Noir. And then there's, oh, yeah, see, this is One of the things they have that I'm looking at is A

Dalwini's Winter Frost House Stark Commemorate the 8th season Okay yeah So it's a 12 year old Something I don't know what the hell it is But it's $139 and I'm like

I don't care i'm not gonna drink that much that's too much money for me i don't care that much of wine i ever had was at napa rose at disneyland uh i went with my friend nick and where he was like yo want to get like a really expensive wine we'll split it i was like sure so we got like 150 spanish red wine and uh it was very good but i believe that but i also think like i've never it looks like one of those things where it's like that was good but like i'm not gonna buy it every day like you know right every once in a while a couple years or something yeah every once in a while you can splurge but i don't think that that's something you know it's i always feel like every time i buy something expensive i don't ever want to use it because i'm like oh that's so expensive i want to keep that around

for a while but like oh my whole point is to enjoy it remember fun story remember when we went to that like douchey Twitch dinner? I do, yes. And then somebody ordered the port wine that was like $50 a glass. They spilled it. Yes, yes. I do remember that. They spilled it onto you or something. I will never forget.

Who was that? I'll never forget that. Yeah, he ordered an $85 shot of port wine and spilled it on me. And I was like, okay. It okay like squeezing out the napkin like oh yeah i was like here you go enjoy i i'll know what was that where were we when what i think it was a fogo to chow but yeah they just they kept ordering the expensive wine back then i didn't have my true wine palette so i was like look at these dumb twitch people and now I'm a dumb twitch person. Yeah now you're the dumb twitch person.

Which one did you get? I'm looking at them now. There's a Pinot Noir there's a red wine, there's a Chardonnay The Pinot Noir is a red wine? Yeah well I'm looking at them now and it says Pinot Noir and then the next thing down says red wine. I'm just letting you know what it says on here.

Oh so it's like a red blend. I see. I got the Pinot Noir, and then the next thing down says red wine. I'm just letting you know what it says on here. Oh, so it's like a red blend. Mm-hmm. I see. And then there's the Chardonnay. Yeah, the Pinot Noir. And there's that. There's the Chardonnay, which I'm not as big of a white wine fan. I'll drink it, but I don't really prefer it.

And then there's another one that's not on here. Is it the special one? Whoa, that one. It looks special. Oh, my goodness? Whoa, that one. It looks special. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. What is that? It doesn't look like the others.

It looks like a special version. Wowee, that probably is a special version. Game of Thrones wines. That's so funny. Game of Thrones red blend at Total Wine & More. There it is. I love how in California you can just, like, buy wine on the internet. Yeah.

That seems dangerous. I'm not going to. Oh, the Game of Thrones Cabernet. Oh, that's the one that's out of stock. Yeah, the Cabernet. Cabernet is probably one. Honestly, here's the thing. I like Cabernet.

It's probably my favorite wine, but I like Pin like pinot noir as well it's moving up there it's some it's more of a berry-ish wine it's like more you taste more berries in a pinot noir cabernet is a little more oaky i love that when i got on here i got like bombarded by 15 messages like excuse me you ain do you need help finding a wine? I'm like, no, bro. I'm not just looking for a stupid podcast. I should message him back like, sorry, dude, looking on a stupid podcast. Pinot Noir is elegant, well-built, and bursting with brilliant, ripe, rich fruit flavors and aromas. I don't think anyone listening cares. It's got to be at least one. They're like, what are these two idiots talking about?

Last time we brought up wine, half the comments were filled with people being like, try this wine. All right. All the people that used to listen to us like 10 years ago are now old drinkers like us. We have been doing this for too long. Literally too long. Literally a third of my life. That's messed up. That's messed up. That's messed up.

Oof. All right. Well, speaking of your life, you can find out how much more is in it, maybe. Probably not, actually. You probably can't do that. Let's not say that. But we're talking about 23 and me their health and ancestry service kits can help you explore over 125 personalized genetic reports that may reveal

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One in three adults are like one bad weekend away from having diabetes. But 90% of people with pre-diabetes don't even know they have it. With type 2 diabetes, influenced by genetics and all sorts of other things, not just lifestyle and weight, it is something

that you really, really should be should be careful about. And it's caused by a ton of different things like, you know, besides not exercising or weight gain or, you know, diet factors, it's also, it can be in your genes. It's something you can check out right now with 23andMe. So get your 23andMe Health and Ancestry Service Kit at 23andMe.com slash Cox. That's the number 23andMe.com slash Cox. That's 23andMe.com slash Cox. Also today we're brought to you by Indochino. Indochino. That's right. Indochochino That's how you say it They're gonna get you a suit Everybody needs a suit, right? You're gonna go to a wedding

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Once you go custom, you don't go back. Indochino, put it on your back. Technically, you kind of do. I mean, yeah. All right. Okay. Well, let's go to traffic. Traffic.

Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic.

Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic.

Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic.

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Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic.

Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic.

Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic.

Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic.

Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic.

Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic.

Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. traffic.. I don't know today we're just soaring over the skies. I don't know today we're flying over america maybe a little bit of europe uh next time but i don't know today we're just soaring over the skies it's snowing in some places it's getting cold in some places getting hot in some places getting windy in some places but most of all it's still warming up and we're getting to mid-april and this is usually when things start to warm up just everywhere so uh everybody looking forward to that people starting to wear their shorts their short sleeves their uh sandals their whatever i just bought some new flip-flops uh because i always like wearing flip-flops i learned that ever since i had to get my toenails removed last year and i pretty much had to only wear flip-flops because actual shoes hurt my toes so that was a fun experience for me and uh

i don't know that's all i got i pretty much just talked about my feet more than the actual traffic traffic's great uh and back to you thanks grand or there are numerous times your helicopter shut down during that i don't know why uh you're fine it's it still flies. Let's talk weather. Right, right, right. Weather. What's up, everybody? How's it going? Let's put in a random code to the WAPI.

You got the WAPI activated. Four, six, four, two, five. Error. deactivated four six four two five error two six four four three troy troy west virginia oh 75 degrees part boy the ancient city of troy Yes. Burnt to the ground. No longer existed. West Virginia, 75 degrees Fahrenheit. Partly cloudy.

Wind, high, 75 degrees. Low, 42 degrees Fahrenheit. Thunderstorms. This evening, followed by occasional showers. Overnight, few storms may be severe. Low 42. Winds west-southwest at 15 to 25 miles per hour. Chance of rain 100%.

Monday. He's so threatening. 52 degrees. 100%. Chance of rain 40%. Monday night, 38 degrees. Chance of rain 10%. Tuesday, 73 degrees. Chance of rain, 40%. Monday night, 38 degrees. Chance of rain, 10%. Tuesday, 73 degrees.

Chance of rain, 10%. That was some crazy stuff. Yeah, Troy, West Virginia. Having some thunderstorms over there. Watch out. Well, what's going on in sports? Sports. Welcome to sports desk.

I don't think we can do that legally. Yeah, I think that works. In sports. Crazy stuff. Are we in 2005? Because Tiger Woods just won the Masters. Right? What is happening?

Game of Thrones didn't exist the last time he won a Masters, by the way. It actually did exist, but they were just books, which are far superior than the television series. You're actually right. Screw it. You're right. You're totally right. Screw me. I'm such a dummy. You're right. So, yeah, but still, 2005, like, think about that. It was over 14 years ago, Tiger Woods' last one. People were like, he's done. He's old. He's retired. Washed up.

And boom, he comes out and he wins it. Crazy stuff. Good for him. And it's crazy to think that. You go all the way back. 2005, I was still in high school. So, I don't even know, man. I don't even know.

Really? You are a child. What the hell? Yeah, I was in high school. I was in college in 2005. Were you a senior at least? I was a sophomore. Oh my god, you're a baby. Oh! You're an old man. Oh! I'm robbing the cradle. Oh!

You're an old man, old man. Um, some of the people listening right now are probably like in third grade. I wasn't even born then. They're the real people. You know what? You have to be. I don't think we have anyone listening.

You know what? I'm going to take that back. I got a fun. My God, I'm so old. I was like email, text, Twitter. I got a fun tweet from a fan who was like, my 10-year-old sister saw me watching one of your videos and then started watching Cox and Crandor.

And today, Drew Cox and Crandor animated stuff. And it's very, very cute. So there's a 10-year-old audience for which I say, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I'm very sorry. Yeah, I'm so sorry. I don't think any person younger than the age of like 30 uh would want to listen to us but here we are but these are great animations there's like

very fun animations of us they're very cute so let's see let's see. Oh, I see it. It's very cute. It's great. That's way better than I could draw it. Right? It actually looks like Dan's work. It does. I used to try and draw stuff.

Which says a lot about Dan, I think. It says more about Dan than us. It does. That's the thing. Whenever people are like, oh, I can't draw, and then they show stuff, and it's like art, like real art. I'm like, I don't think you know what can't draw. It's just like, look at my drawings, all right?

They're like glorified stick figures. Yeah, so yeah, Tiger Woods won the Masters. And hockey playoffs have started. Some crazy stuff actually happening in the hockey playoffs. The number one seeded Tampa Bay Lightning are down 2-0 to the Columbus Blue Jackets of all people. Get them, Columbus! Columbus going ham. The Penguins are losing to the Islanders 3-0 in that series.

My heart. Not sure how that's happening. The Maple Leafs tied at 1 with the Bruins. Avalanche Flames tied at 1. Predators Stars tied at 1. Washington up 2-0 on the Hurricane. And the Blues up 2-0 on the Jets. And the Golden Knights tied at 1 in their series.

So some crazy stuff happening over in hockey and basketball. Basketball. The Warriors beat the Clippers. The Spurs beat the Nuggets in their first game. Celtics beat the Pacers. Trailblazers beat the Thunder. The Bucks are currently beating the Pistons, which I imagine will keep happening. And a funny thing, the Magic beat the Raptors, which nobody saw coming.

And the 76ers lost to the Nets, which in that game, the 76ers were down like 20 points, and some dude was like checking his phone during the game. That became a big thing. They were like, look, he's texting during the game. On the court? Yeah, like on the bench. He was like just looking at his phone. Oh, I thought you meant like as he's playing. He's like, hold up, hold up.

And he starts texting out like whoa um so some crazy playoff action happening so far in all sports uh baseball still getting going a lot of games get canceled because it's cold outside and snowing and raining or whatever and then uh nfl draft coming up week Week and a half. Very pumped for that. And that's sports. All right, Crandall. What is our big news story of the day? All right. This has been a crazy week for news. We have multiple stories.

All right. With Florida man calling himself the saint threatened to unleash his army of turtles to destroy town this is exactly the kind of story i need yes this is only number one this has been a crazy florida man thomas devaney lane referred to himself as the saint as he threatened to release his turtle army to destroy the people in the town of Indialantic, according to police. They're coming slowly! Slowly! The 61-year-old is accused of yelling obscenities and causing disturbances in businesses along North Miramar Avenue on Sunday,

including Starbucks coffee, Surfinista Cafe, and Sassy Granny smoothies. Not Sassy Grannies. As well as the Turtle Army threat, Lane allegedly warned people they would all see what would happen in an hour. Lane reportedly made his way to the police department lobby and banged on the glass, but quickly left before an officer could meet him. Officers who had received seven calls about Lane

subsequently found him in his vehicle at a 7-Eleven. He allegedly refused to get out of the vehicle when instructed by police and told a 9-11 operator needed to leave now or you will be sorry you effed with the saint. According to Broward County Sheriff Office Booking Roster, Lane is charged with three

misdemeanors, breach of peace, misuse of 911, and resisting an officer without violence. He's awaiting trial. Elsewhere in Florida, Leon County... Wait, hold on. Did he have turtles though? Where were the turtles? does he secretly have an army of turtles somewhere? I don't know if he's got turtles

I need answers, what happened to the turtles? I don't know that's pretty much it for that story of course it is are you telling me there's a potential army of uncommanded turtles? There must always be a saint. Without a saint, the turtles will roam

free and we're all doomed. Doomed. Now here's our next story. Buckle up. Woman does karate. Son gets nude. Dog steals cornbread mix from Walmart. Wait, what do any of those have to do with each other? I don't know, but we're going to find out. A mother and her son are in custody after causing a ruckus at a Walmart Wednesday night.

Their dog chipped in too. after causing a ruckus at a Walmart Wednesday night. Their dog chipped in too. The Eau Claire Police Department identified 46-year-old Lisa Smith and her 25-year-old son, Benny Vann, as the suspect's investigators said the dog is named Bo. Responding officers said they found Smith yelling in the doorway trying to summon Bo. Smith allegedly brought Bo into the store without a leash, so he easily ditched his owner and started running up to unsuspecting customers. Oh, what? the store to perform karate moves in the parking lot. Bo on the other hand had not been brought to heel.

By the time anyone found him, he was on his way out of the store with a box of Jiffy Cornbread Muffin Mix in his mouth. Police arrested Smith, but it wasn't without a fight. She allegedly kicked out a patrol car window, then finally got her in

custody. Damn, she really does know karate. Meanwhile, police vane was running amok inside the store uh he allegedly took off all his clothes in the rear of the walmart and exposed himself to everyone around them fortunately for them he tried to cover himself by putting on the clothes walmart had on the racks even so police said he didn't try to purchase them so that is also a crime officer approached and commanded him to end his madness but he refused authorities said van even used a scooter in an attempt to run from an officer but law enforcement physically stopped the scooter and took him into custody yeah how do you

like it's just a scooter it's not going like 20 miles an hour how is he? Band faces charges for lewd and lascivious behavior, disorderly conduct, and retail theft. Smith is charged with disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, and misdemeanor bail jumping. Bo, however, was not charged. Police issued him a warning for the theft. He is still a good boy. Bo, still a good boy. He just wanted his cornbread I don't

Why did they do this? Why did she Like she goes in there to take down the signs and stuff And like break up stands And then he goes to get naked But like why? I'll tell you why In what world does the

I mean That's what they look like Oh boy She looks like an actual witch from a Disney movie Because that's what they look like. Oh, boy. She looks like an actual witch from a Disney movie. Can I? But that witch knows karate. Can I tell you something? By the way, that witch knows karate might be my favorite thing ever uttered by anybody.

That witch knows karate. Can you imagine if there was an old witch that was just like, I'll get you, my pretty. And then she broke out like Kung Fu. That'd be amazing. Also, there's no way you can tell me this woman's 45. Oh, yeah. No way.

She looks at least 70. There's no... She is... She's unmet. I have met people in their 70s who don't look like this. This is a hard 45. Oh my god. The son looks like he needs a hug.

The son looks a mess. He looks like that was his mom growing up. His eyes say everything. Yeah. But this mom, oh boy. Also, why is his name Benny van and her name is Lisa Smith that's a great question there's a missing factor uh there's so much missing from this story that I I just have infinite questions I take it okay the dad was that last name van and then she

probably divorced him either he was crazy uh or he divorced her and she was crazy, or they were both crazy. And I'm going to have to go with the both crazy on this one. Yeah, I'm going to have to say, if your son's getting naked in a Walmart, both parents are to blame for this one. Yeah, like, she was tearing down shit. They told her to go outside,

and she's like, all right, just practice karate. Like, I don't... They're just like, ugh. Well, that's a rough 45. That is a rough 45. That's. Wowee. And our final story.

All right. A drunk, shirtless Florida man arrested after shoveling spaghetti in his mouth at Olive Garden. Well, I thought that was the whole point! Well, a drunk and shirtless Naples man was arrested at Olive Garden Sunday after shoveling spaghetti into his mouth. But that's the, I thought that was the point of Olive Garden! Uh, well, police were called to the Olive Garden in South, State South, because a 32-year- old Ben Padgett was causing a disturbance. Police found Padgett sitting on a bench near the front door shirtless and shoving spaghetti into his mouth with his hand. A strong smell of alcohol came from him as well.

Oh, I've been this drunk. I've been hand spaghetti drunk before. It's fine, Ben. It's fine. You just did it in public. You probably shouldn't do that. But I've been this drunk where you're like, I gotta get it in my

mouth. And you just keep trying. You take your shirt off because you don't want to get it on your shirt because you're so drunk it's falling everywhere. I get this. It reminds me of all these Twitch cons. Everyone's taking pictures of David Hasselhoff. All I know about David Hasselhoff I remember is he was eating that cheeseburger drunk on the floor on YouTube.

On the floor, yeah. So that's all I think of when I see David Hasselhoff. They're just like, are you going to stop drinking? He's like, where's my cheeseburger? I'm like, yeah. I've been that. Dave and I, we get along very well. Like, Dave, remember that time you had a cheeseburger on the floor?

I've done that, bro. David Hasselhoff feels like, you know the people where it's like high school or the best days, like the high school quarterback? I feel like that's him with Baywatch. Like, he was the Baywatch quarterback. And ever since that went away. He was also Knight Rider, too. But Baywatch is his big thing.

I mean, Knight Rider is pretty big all right um oh yeah this story according to police paget was asking people for money as they walked up to the door he then threatened a restaurant employee who asked him to stop saying i could beat your ass when the employee went back inside to call the police, Padgett followed him in and asked the employee loudly what kind of genitals he has. When he was placed in handcuffs, Padgett began twisting his body and kicking his legs. After police arrested Padgett and helped him get into the back of the police car, Padgett started smashing his forehead onto the metal cage of the car's partition. Oh my god. Paget was charged with disorderly intoxication and resisting an officer without violence.

He was later transported to the Naples Jail Center. There was a moment I was on this guy's side until he started harassing people and then like hurting himself. No, I look at him now and I'm no longer on his side. He looks kind of like his hair is spaghetti and he's lost. Definitely, if you're banging your head in the back of a police car, you're definitely lost. Lost is the right word for you. Yes.

Accurate. Those were some solid news stories for the day. Those were some solid news stories. It's been a great week for Crazy. All well that's it for us thank you so much for listening and watching whatever you're doing grendor hit up the socials we got so many socials we've got youtube.com slash cox and grendor where you can see all the animations including the new one that just went up the other day you can also go to youtube.com slash coxandcrendorpodcast. You just throw a podcast on the end of there.

You can listen to all these on YouTube. We also have soundcloud.com slash coxandcrendor, iTunes coxandcrendor, and coxandcrendor on Spotify. If you search us on there, we're on all your favorite audio platforms, unless you like some weird one. We're probably not in there. Unless we are. I don't know. Also, twitch.tv.com. Twitter.com.

And probably some other stuff for you to search for us. Also, please show these to everybody. Show them to your drunk uncle that goes to Olive Garden. Shovel spaghetti into his mouth. Show it to your mom, your dad to Olive Garden, shovel spaghetti into his mouth. Show it to your mom, your dad, your brother, your sister, your dog that runs in and gets cornbread mix out of a Walmart. Show it to your crazy karate witch aunt that does karate in your backyard at family gatherings. And everyone's like, what the shit? That witch knows karate.

She'll probably love to listen to this. That's all I got. All right. Make sure to leave us some nice reviews, five stars and all that stuff on all the different platforms we're on. But that's it for us. We'll see you next time. And as always, to be continued. Karate.

Oh.