Cox n' Crendor Show - Episode 201 - Something Fishy

Episode Date: June 22, 2019

The boys are back and Jesse's gone and got himself a cold. Turns out running around a convention can do that do you. It'd be so stupid if he then went out on a boat in the rain. Luckily Crendor is here to be sensible and update us on his path of gaining weight. Oh, and I guess there's a story about a man sexing pool floaties in here as well. So you know what that means, it's time for an all new Cox n' Crendor! To get your 15% off your first pair, free shipping, and a 100% Satisfaction Guarantee, go to http://MeUndies.com/crendor Go to http://GetQuip.com/CRENDOR right now and get your first refill pack for FREE.

Today's episode is brought to you by MeUndies. Oh, I love MeUndies. I have them on right now. They are blue with like a Hawaiian print. I love them. I have ones with the peace sign on it. Whoa, man. Far out. Yeah, man. Right on. Also today we're brought to you by Quip. Quip is gonna get your teeth shining bright like the sun,

which, my man, is far out. Put Quip on your mouth. Change your life. That's all I'm going to say about that. Let's jump into the podcast. Hello, everybody. It's time for Ghost on Trend Dog. Ghost on Trend Dog in the morning.

In the morning. Broadcasting live, live, dying, Crendor. god I'm dying Crandor Oh that doesn't sound too exciting Oh I am in a bad state of affairs I whoo wee Now what happened you haven't improved since last time Well last time wasn't that long ago but also I'm So now I'm at full fledged cold status I'm at cold level 1

It's bad news Dude I'm telling you you probably got the same thing i got wait for the cough okay wait for it i have a cough but only it's like a deep it doesn't happen a lot but when it happens you're like whoa yeah that's i don't know it is but like everybody's been sick uh like in june now like if it's supposed to be like you don't get sick in the summertime it's like it's fall and winter you get sick now i'm like the shit everybody's getting sick climate change man it's gotta be the climate change it's gotta be yeah everyone was right look at me i'm so sick now they said it would kill me here i am my nose is all stuffed up

my throat's like why why, Jesse? Why? Everything about me sucks. Everything sucks. Everything is pain. It's true. I feel like that guy. You know how in Aliens 3 that guy's like, kill me. I feel like that dude.

Where I'm just like, everything hurts. Today I woke up at 5 a.m. to go on a boat with my dad at 645. Oh, my God. My dad was like, I want to go fishing out in the ocean. When are we going to go fishing out in the ocean? I'm like, all right, we'll do it for Father's Day. We get up. We go there. I take a photo on the boat.

More people keep coming on the boat., more people keep coming on the boat. And more people keep coming on the boat. And I'm like, this seems like a lot of people. Yeah. There were 91 people on this fishing boat. Oh my God. 91. There was absolutely no way that we could, my dad was like, what if we come back later?

So my whole fishing adventure didn't happen today. So instead, by the way, before I got on the boat, my mom insisted. She was like, Jesse, if you're going to take your father out, you need to take your seasickness pills. What is in a seasickness pill, Grandor? Because let me tell you, the minute I got off that boat, I ate breakfast with my parents, came home, and was like, I guess I'll try to sleep or something. I'm telling you, it was like the craziest high I've ever felt. I couldn't move. I was like, oh man, what is it? That pill I took. I would, I would have fallen overboard into the ocean. I was so messed up. I, it took me, I got home. I'm going to say 10 o'clock from breakfast with my parents. I walked into my apartment.

I sat down on the couch. I passed out, woke up at 2, 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I don't know what happened. I was gonzo. I couldn't even tell you. It's blown me away. I just, my whole body felt numb. I was like, what is happening right now? Oh, yeah.

It was certainly a place to be huh so i've been my day has just been like oh man what if i did something that i couldn't even do nothing no man um so yeah i don't know what they gave me but No I caught nothing The only thing I caught was a worse cold That'll hit you hard Yeah it sucks It's not like something can blow It's one of those colds where like I know I'm stuffed up

But every time I blow my nose it's just air Which sucks because I can breathe out of my nose But I can't Like there's stuff in me my body's like get it out jesse i'm like i'm trying body work with me here it's like i can't i don't know what to do we've never had this before like body come on this sucks i mean yeah that's uh it's those things are like when you're sick uh it just reminds you of how great not being sick is. Oh, yeah.

I literally was like, man, three days ago I wasn't sick at all and everything was – I was out and about and I was like – I was at the E3 and I was walking around and I was like having fun and being stupid. Now I can barely go up my stairs. I go up the top of my stairs. I'm like – My body why you betrayed me you Judas oh yeah it's walking up like every step is a mile it feels like it I like my like my lungs are just like what are you doing why

are we running this marathon so I went up one step he's like oh god oh yeah I get to the top of Mike what if I go sit down on the chair then I'll fall asleep I'll just fall asleep for another like 20 25 minutes that's what this I don't know what this is but i also feel like taking whatever medicine i took today was not healthy it just made it worse i pat i that could have been just like a whatever like a boat pill or something yeah so i wouldn't get nauseous it like i think i was hard i think my parents are pushing hard drugs because that got me. I was like, whoa. Yeah.

I mean, if there's anyone that's going to give you hard drugs, it's your parents. Yeah. You know, I trust them. So they always say the people you trust the most are the people who will betray that trust. So, yeah. Yeah. I trust them. They're like, here, have this.

I think my dad chickened out, which is why he didn't want to be on the boat anymore. He was like, we'll take him out to sea and push him in the water. And that'll be it. We'll be rid of him forever. Mom was like, finally, he'll be out of our hair. But now you're still here, kind of. Yeah, my dad was like, I can't go through with it, Susan. She's like, it's okay, Jack.

We'll get him next year. What are you guys talking about? Nothing, honey. You're very high. Go back to bed. All right. Well, that sounds like a fun Father's Day. It was certainly a fun...

Oh, my God. The minute it ended, the minute my dad was like, I don't want to be on this boat anymore. The reason why is because there are kids. My dad hates being around kids. There was, like, a lot of kids on this boat. And he was like, I just want to come out here and fish.

I don't know what to do with all these kids. Then it started to rain, and he was just like, ugh. So instead, we get back in the car, but dad's like, you know what I want? A Jewish bagel. I'm like, what? How very oddly specific. He's like, a Jewish bagel know what I want? A Jewish bagel. I'm like, what? How very oddly specific. He's like, a Jewish bagel is what I want. And then he, like, pauses and goes, no, a Jewish breakfast.

Which to me, I'm like, wait, what? I assume he means, like, lox and a bagel and cream. Like, I'm trying to think of what he means by this. Apparently, there's just a place in L place in LA that's like a Jewish deli breakfast place. Parents go there all the time. Apparently it's great. I was just like, what a weird thing

to specifically want. But the man wanted it and he got it. He had potato pancakes. He had the whole thing. I was like, look at you. Dang. Yeah. He got his breakfast. i wish i could be oddly specific in what i want for food every time i'm hungry i'm just like uh i don't know something hot that's what i do i'm just like what should i eat uh i don't know let's get right whatever there's

nothing there's nothing that i love enough i'm like like, and the things I do love, I don't want to have them too much or else I'll feel like I won't love them anymore. Yeah. Like, I love chicken wings, but I don't want to have chicken wings all the time because if I do, I'll be like, kind of over chicken wings. Yeah. It's a very difficult life, to be honest. Yeah, it's so hard being so privileged.

What do I want to eat today? Well, I don't want to eat too much of this thing or I'll get tired of it. This is the worst. Oh, man. Yeah. I don't want to eat too much of the food I love, so I guess I'll have something I kind of like instead. Well, speaking of food, that's all we did today. We just went out to some restaurant, had some food. That's all we did today we just went out to some restaurant

had some that's all you did today yeah we had some food what was the restaurant where'd you go it's just like a burger place my dad's like I want a burger went to a burger place and he's like I got a patty melt and he's very happy

it was patty melt and he was like hey this is great you get a beer you get a patty melt This is what it's all about I think your dad Is on I think At a certain age where your dad was like I want a burger and your dad got What your dad wanted

My dad was like I want a Jewish breakfast A little specificer But still You know what you want and you get what you want yeah i feel like we're still at that stage we're trying to like i guess i'll have anything i want to make sure everyone's happy i can't wait to like click over to the point where i'm like i've had chipotle four days in a row and i'm gonna make it five get in the car jackass i want an omelet yeah right yeah that'll be great.

Yeah, I'm really excited for that. Where I no longer care about the feelings of others. You have a peanut allergy? Well, screw you. You can stay at home. I'm going to the peanut brittle factory. Just tell them to not put any peanuts in the brittle.

What's your problem? Well, there's peanut dust in the air and I could inhale some and that's your problem. Take it up with God. I didn't make you. What are you going to do? Kill me? Make the sweet embrace of death

take me any day. Dad, you're scaring me. Man, that's going to be the good times. That'll be great times. Great times. Yeah. It's when you start taking, it's like you said, where he starts taking the jelly packets. Well, here's the thing.

I don't think he does that anymore. I think I called him out so many times, he's been shamed out of it. It's a phase. Because there were jelly packets at the place and he did not take any home. Dang. I know. I thought for sure he'd be like all about those jelly packets but nope. Yeah my dad

oh my god my dad was in the car today was like you know I was uh listening to Penn Jillette although he called him Jillette Penn which I thought was very funny because it sounded like the name of a razor. I was listening to Jillette Penn the other day, and he said the reason he lost weight, and he looks me dead in the eyes, which is this obvious like, hey, fatty, lose weight.

I'm like, oh, Jesus, here we go. He's like, you know, he lost weight by eating one meal a day. He would only eat one hour a day. Like, what? He's like, yeah, yeah. He would work and sleep, but only eat one hour a day. I'm like, did he eat the whole hour? What do you mean?

He's like, he would have chicken, broccoli, and brown rice. Like, that sounds shitty. You're telling me I can only eat one hour a day, and I have to eat the blandest shit imaginable? That sounds like what I told you to eat for, like, my Crenn diet. But that was only one meal. That's what I'm saying. He would have it.

My dad was like, he lost 100 pounds in three months. And I'm like, that doesn't seem healthy. That seems dangerous. That definitely does not seem healthy. That seems very dangerous. Like, you're right. He did not eat anything. And he's like, no, but then he could, like, go to the gym and stuff.

Your body would be like, kill me. You might feel the way I felt right now. Protein. He could eat one hour a day. I feel like one hour. How would you know what to cook for one hour a day? Does the cooking time factor into the eating time? I have a lot of questions.

Then you eat the whole hour? Or are you just saying you have one meal a day. Does the cooking time factor into the eating time? I have a lot of questions. When you eat the whole hour or are you just saying you have one meal a day? Yeah, I honestly don't know. I think that's dumb. Well, you know what? Gillette Penn doesn't and he is the spokesman for razors. Also, I saw that, uh, like one of the grocery stores, they got all those magazines. They're just like how i lost a billion pounds in 12 days and it's like you know why they keep having these in magazines because it's like it's the shock value like oh shit i can do that that's easy and then everyone tries it and you're like oh this is uh i'm literally starving my body and then you revert back so it's like the stress ball effect where you squeeze it and it's like and then you binge back in because your body's like just eat the food god damn and then it just loops over and over and then the diet

industry is just like who buy our magazines again or whatever the shit and it's just you know because the hardest thing to do is to like limit yourself and have to like strict like be strict with a diet and everything. I have to do that, but with gaining weight. I had to learn how to eat more. God, your life must be the worst. But I don't want to eat more. That's the problem.

Did you take my advice that you go and buy pastry strudels? I haven't done it yet. What? What? I haven't done it yet. Why not? You should get on that. For next week, I will do it.

Alright, everyone listening to this right now, tweet at Crandor, go buy toaster strudels. Crandor, in order to gain weight, you need to have two for breakfast every day. Two toaster strudels. Put that icing on there. You're going to love...

You can make little designs. Every day, you can post your design to the internet. Put that icing on there. You're going to love. You can make little designs. Every day you can post your design to the internet of what your icing looks like. Make it interactive. Well, what I have been eating is I'll eat oatmeal with walnuts and almonds and blueberries. Too healthy. Too healthy. I have one of those boost drinks. Dietitian lady. Too healthy.

Buy one of those. Some quick calories. Down one of those boost drinks diet too healthy was like buy one of those some quick calories down one of those then you have lunch which is like whatever you just get some lunch somewhere and then you have another boost drinks it's like more calories and then you get uh dinner and then you have like a snack so you're eating like six times it's too healthy you're going about it too healthily you You need to get in there early in the morning, start off pure sugar. Once you have that sugar in your system, you're going to crash. You're going to need some more sugar in the afternoon

to get yourself a Coke. Then when that Coke wears off, your caffeine levels go down, get yourself a venti triple mocha frappuccino. Once you got that, you're going to be riding high for a little bit, but that's okay because it's time to eat. You're going to want to put something like Mexican in your body,

so definitely Taco Bell. You want to get in there and get yourself a seven-layer burrito. Now you might say, Jesse, that's not enough calories. Smother that thing in hot sauce. You're going to want to get a drink to go down with it. Get yourself a large Baja Blast. Then here's the real thing. Don't do anything for the next four or five hours.

Just sit there. Let it all soak up inside you. And then before you go to bed, a bowl of healthy cereal. Let's say an extra large helping of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Boom. Done. You're welcome. Damn.

I've been doing it all wrong. You'll be 900 pounds by the end of the summer. Let me help you. You'll be like, I can really use some help. Losing weight. And I'll be like, I gained weight. And all I had to do was become a diabetic yeah I can't really feel

my leg anymore like it's working it's working yeah I figured you're on the path you just need to step it up yeah I gotta step up my game yeah you got calories coming from actual food you need to have calories coming from fake food.

Non-food is the word. What else did we do in the last, like, day? I don't know. Not too much, honestly. I've been streaming Dota's new thing with Sam. What is that? It's auto chess. I thought that existed already. Well, here's the thing, all right? Oh, boy. With Sam. What is that? It's auto chess.

I thought that existed already. Well, here's the thing. Oh, boy. Uh-huh. The auto chess mod, the guy making that got paid to go to Epic Games, and then Dota made their own auto chess that's more mobile friendly, and they're pushing that out. And then League is now making their auto chess.

So now the big new thing is auto chess. expect a lot of those hitting the hitting the scene wait so the guy who made it got bought by epic games it's really funny yeah so uh he's trying to make for what purpose he's probably gonna make fortnite auto chess or some shit what is auto chess how's that work so it's like uh it's pretty much like this all stems from warcraft 3 essentially so uh you buy units you place them on a little board like chess pieces and then they auto fight against other people's units so say you buy thrall and you put them on the board and then someone else buys like illidan they'll fight each other and they each have abilities and stats and whatever and you can give them items

that you gain every couple rounds to make them stronger and then if you get three Illidans, you make a tier two Illidan who becomes even stronger and then if you get three tier two Illidans, you get a tier three Illidan. But, if somebody else is buying Illidans, that lowers

the chance you're going to get those Illidans because they're buying up the Illidans. So we have a certain stock to work from everybody. Yeah, exactly. So like if you go Warrior build and someone else does, then you're like, oh, God, now other people are doing it. And then three people do it. You're like, oh, my God, three people doing the Warrior build. So you got to hope you get lucky or you got to go something else. And then there's different synergies so it's like if you have two one dead units you get plus

10 armor like whatever like lifesteal or so it all just synergizes and then uh so it's how many people play it once uh about eight or nine what yeah it's like eight or nine and then people just slowly die off and then you get to the usually the top three gets really competitive with the late game units and then bada bing bada boom i like this i've never played this before yeah it's honestly pretty fun i play we played it a lot in like warcraft 3 custom games and then they had like pokemon versions so it'd be like oh i got my charmander and they'd like make charmander in it'd be like, oh, I got my Charmander. And they'd like make Charmander in Warcraft 3,

but he'd have a Warcraft 3 character's voice. So you'd click Charmander and he'd be like, yes, my lord. As Charmander does. Yeah. Wuk wuk. So we'd always play that and I'd be like, man, I can't believe nobody's made a game like this.

Like this could be a great thing. And then a year later, people are just like, hey, here's a game like this. And I'm like, oh, damn. And then now everybody's doing it. Well, you know, you have to imagine, because Dota and League and all those things stole from Warcraft to begin with, they would gladly steal this too.

Yeah. So the fact that there's like going to be League of Legends, auto chess, or even just Dota, it's like a mod of a mod in a mod of a mod. Right. It's insane. Yeah. The next one they have like Dota Tower Defense.

Then we're done. Then we're done. Yeah. And then Warcraft 3 Reforged will come out and then everyone can make new games within that game. It's gonna be crazy. I'm excited. You sound excited.

I am. He is. It's a great time waster. You'll play a couple of those, three hours go by and you're like, wow. That was three hours. I'll never get that time back. Yeah, so Sam's been doing that non-stop. Even Dodger plays it

She doesn't even play that many games The other day I was well it turns out She probably doesn't play it very well Because I was online the other day I have no knowledge of this I'm just going to let you know what I know Okay I was online the other day and Dodger's name popped up Her playing auto chess

Eight times in a row It went up down up down up, down, up, down. And I was like, what are you doing? Do you need help logging in? What's happening? It just kept going up, down, up, down. It was pinging every time and I was like, get in your damn

game and stay there. Just stay in the game. I don't think she's won a game yet. She's come close the other day she got the top two and then she lost the same sam wins about 80 of the time uh i win 10 and then everybody else wins about 10 so we're in the winners because sam like min-maxed his life. Everything about everything he does now, he's just like, I figured out how to do exactly 80% better than the rest of the world. Yeah, he was doing that the other day. He was just like, oh, I got all the best units. And I'm like, how about you stop min-max and try something fun?

And he's like, what? So then he started doing it. He will never do that you have to remind him that games are for fun sometimes he'll be like oh you tell me that I have wasted my whole life for nothing

he'll come at you and he'll break you oh yeah great stuff though great stuff and I don't know that's literally all i've been doing yeah i i wish you could say i did more but i've literally just been out of it like i even right now i'm not gonna lie everything's a little blurry i've been rubbing i just realized i've been rubbing my hands on this mat uh on my desk for, I don't know, the 20 odd minutes we've

been talking. I've just been like, my hands have been rubbing back and forth. Yeah, I'm definitely out of it a little bit. So that's cool. It's just good night. Yeah, I'm just, it feels good. It feels good on my fingers. Don't judge me.

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happy with their Quip it's cause they're just like me it's great Quip starts at just $25 you can get it at getquip.com slash crendor right now that is getquip.com slash Crendor right now. That is G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash Crendor. Head there right now and get your first refill pack free. Anyway, Crendor, let's go to chapter seven of the sky.

Crendor has a lot of traffic out there. Whoa, Father's Day traffic is pretty hectic earlier, but now it's pretty standard. People going back to work for the Monday commute, uh, you got some people down there, uh, probably, uh, pretty hungover from having too many beers, uh, but you know what, you gotta get back in that office, you gotta be on the grind, you gotta be in punching that clock, punching it, literally, punch that clock, stupid clock, uh, probably don't do that, that's how they track stuff for getting paid.

So they'll probably delay your payment. You didn't hear from me, my lawyer. So that did not happen. Back to you. Thanks, Crandor. Now let's go record the weather. How's that weather? Weather's actually kind of chilly outside most places today.

A little bit of a cool off. But don't take my word for it. Let's pop on over to 22445. Japeri Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. Have we done this before? I don't know. Well, we're doing it

again. Alright. I don't think we have. Japeri? I feel like I know that name. Japeri? Japeri. Japeri. 22446. again all right i don't think we have jipari i feel like i know that name jipari jipari jipari six that's tijuana baja california i feel like we've done that before well you know what let's stick with jipari all right screw it we're in jipari rio de janeiro brazil 67 degrees feels like 67 degrees got a height of uh 67 degrees and a low of 62 degrees uv index zero right now there's no sun tonight 62 degrees a lot of 62 67s all over the place monday 84 degrees hitting the big heat uh well you're not hitting the 90s though 90 you're gonna start sweating but 84 you're just gonna start being like oof sad uh but here's the big hit 98 percent

humidity oh my god that's a humid um that's wow uh's like stick to your ribs weather. That's going to be like. Yeah, that's oof. But hey, Monday night, 64, 95% drops off a little bit. And then Tuesday, 84 degrees, only 68% humidity. That's where it's at. Tuesday night, 88% humidity. It's very humid in Rio de Janeiro. But I mean, it is right by the water, so that wouldn't make sense.

Also, let's see any other crazy stuff happening here. You got two mile an hour winds, so literally no winds, but the pressure is at 30.21. That's under pressure. Big pressure coming in there. And really, that's the weather. All right, Crandor. What about sports? Sports.

Well, we've hit that point where it's baseball. A lot of baseball. I think soccer is happening, though. Actually, in fact, I think isn't the Women's World Cup happening? It is, I think. Yeah, FIFA Women's World Cup happening? It is, I think. Yeah, FIFA Women's World Cup. Canada beat New Zealand yesterday. Sweden beat Thailand today. United States beat Chile today, 3-0.

And then tomorrow we got China, Spain, South Africa, Germany, and Nigeria, France. Nigeria, France. Congrats to Kazavar Asalani, player of the match, presented by Visa for Suiza. Watch the interview here, says FIFA's Twitter. Yep, there you go. We're learning so much about soccer. Yes, where is this happening at?

No, it's happening in France. What do you know? I didn't even know that. And over in baseball, you got the Dodgers beating the Cubs right now. Yankees and Tampa Bay tied in first. You got Minnesota in first. You got Houston in first. You got Atlanta.

Miliwake, game and a half up on the the Cubs and then the Dodgers over in the West, uh, 10 game lead on the diamond backs and the Rockies, uh, and, still got a hundred games to go or whatever. So, uh,

it could all change. Everything could change. Yeah. Uh, and that's, uh, that's the sports. All right.

What is our big news story of the day? Big news story of the day. Let me tell you one right now. Why did the Florida man steal all those pool floats? Is this a riddle? Apparently, he wanted to have sex with them. Well, you know what? I wasn't going to say that, but I should have.

It should have been the first thing I said because it is Florida, man. Yeah. Trust us. You don't want to envision the logistics of this one. I mean, maybe. I mean, we got to find out. Yeah. According to the Palm Bay Police department in brevard county the city

has been plagued with burglaries in which the suspect cuts the screen or otherwise enters a victim's back pool deck area and steals only pool floats court records in the palm bay melbourne titusville region of florida say there have been estimated 13 reports of this happening. According to the Afidavit, police say... Sorry, what was that? The Afidavit. I'm sorry. What was that? The Afidavit?

The Afidavit. Police say Christopher William Monin, 35... Whoa! We can't just skip over the fact that you called it Afidavit. Why? You know what? I'm going to let the internet explain it to you. Please continue.

What is it? What is it? Like Afidavit? It sounds like Afidavit sounds like the name of like a really great Dominican baseball player. Coming up next, Johnny Afidavit. Yeah, Afidavit. Oh, it's Afidavit. Afidavit.

Yeah, it's definitely how you pronounce that. Afidavit. Feliz Afidavit. It is so much better, though. I've never heard that. It's so much better. Christopher William Monin, and 35 is behind the thefts multiple victims indicated that they had been burglarized several times by this person

but only reported it on the second or third burglary of their floats the burglar that led to his arrest happened on june 5th when police say mon and cut the pool screen get on the deck of a home in palm bay uh police stopped him as a suspicious person who was riding his bicycle on a city street around 1.25 a.m. They said he had a white garbage bag full of pool floats. I'm sorry,

what time is this? 1 a.m. Yeah, no. If I saw you on the street with a white trash bag and a bicycle, it didn't matter what was in them. If it's 1 a.m., you are definitely a psychopath. Yeah, that's weird. I'm going to go for a bike ride.

Don't forget your garbage bag. You can put things in it. All right, bye. Monon took officers to a vacant house where he allegedly stored the floats. About 75 of them were found, including ones that the June 5th victim described. These were one long white float and one long blue float. The defendant stated... Wait, they weren't even like dolphins or flamingos?

They were just amorphous floaties. Yes. What? I thought for sure he'd been like, yeah, this float I like the sensual nature of this fish float. No, he's just like if it's squeezable, I'm gonna bang it. The defendant stated he sexually

gratifies himself with the pool floats. Mona was charged with burglary of an occupied dwelling, pettit theft property less than $300, and criminal mischief of $200 or less. His total bond at Bravard County Jail on the three charges is $16,000. As a condition of his release, he must be fitted with a GPS monitoring device. Yeah, no, you want to monitor this guy. He is fucking

pool toys. That's, uh, that's definitely That's definitely crazy. This guy is trouble. This guy, this guy, he took your pool toys. That'd be like if someone went around stealing kids, like, I don't know, lollipops, then banging those lollipops.

Gotta bang the lollipops. I don't understand it, but I guess I... Like, why so many, though? I don't know. You think you would find one and be like, you're it for me, beautiful. But instead he made the other floaties watch and bring new floaties home.

That's just rude. He likes variety, dude. He goes on to... I guess so to poolfloatyporn.com, and he's looking for a green one. Don't look that up. I almost believe that's going to be a real thing. Don't go look that up. I hope it isn't. Please don't go look that up.

It's going to be just a photo of him laying there on his floaties. He's like, dear diary, today I got floatie number 69. You know what that means. Rich green. Far better than smooth blue. They're all like, today I got three noodles. Those pool noodles are sexy.

I did three noodles today. They were triplets. He's living the time of his life. Yeah, I shouldn't shame him. It's just a bizarre thing to hear. But he didn't steal them. Yeah, no, he is a thief. Yeah.

Yeah. Also, Florida man asked cops for help starting motorcycle he'd stolen. You know what? He thought he could get away with it. I think that's what's beautiful about it. A Florida man asked cops for help starting a motorcycle he'd stolen. You know what? He thought he could get away with it. I think that's what's beautiful about it. Well, it gets better. If I ask them for help, they won't check to see if it's actually mine. Raymond Millwater is just 30 years old, but he'd been jailed nearly two dozen times.

His latest trip to the slammer came after someone reported seeing a possibly intoxicated man pushing a motorcycle down a road. Police responded and said they found Millwater standing unsteady near the bike. He told them he borrowed it from a man named Chad, but he couldn't get it to turn on. Well there's your problem. Never borrow from a man named Chad. He's always going to report you stolen. Yeah, that's no doubt.

Right there, officer. Chad's notorious dicks. Not deterred, Millwater asked officers if he could borrow a screwdriver to get the motor running. They declined. They did, however, contact the owner of the bike. Perhaps, not surprisingly, he was

not named Chad. Investigators told Tampa Bay Times the owner denied he even knew Millwater. He faces a grand theft motor vehicle charge. That sounds like something a Chad would do, though. I don't know him, officer. Take him to jail. I mean, really, I think

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Thank you so much. We'll be back next week with another episode. And as always Bloop I want some hot chocolate Me too