Cox n' Crendor Show - Episode 86 - YouTube Rewind

Episode Date: December 13, 2014

The boys sit down to watch the new year end, Youtube Rewind. Their opinions differ, in that one thinks it's horrible, and the other thinks it's just bad. David Lynch analyzes the entire affair.

Hello everybody, it's time for Cox and Crendor in the morning. In the morning. Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live. In 4 hour recording studio. Recording. Wake your ass up, it's Cox and Crendor in the morning. Cox and Crendor in the morning. Hello everybody, welcome back to Cox and Grendor in the morning! Hello there everybody, welcome back to Cogs of Grendor in the morning.

Welcome back to Cogs of Grendor in the morning. Yep, you are still at the top of your game, buddy. That was the most energy I've had all day. You've been bottled up, you just get ready to unleash it. I just gotta let it out sometimes, you know. Oh my goodness. So, have you seen the YouTube Rewind for 2014, Crendor? I have. Uh. I just wanna, I mean, I just wanna know what, what they were thinking.

Uh-huh. Because it is, I don't wanna say awful. I'm not to say awful. I'm not going to say awful. I'm just going to start with the premise that the video is called YouTube Rewind Turn Down for 2014. The title, of course, referring to the Lil Jon song with DJ Snake called Turn Down for What? A song released in December of 2013.

So what that has to do with 2014, I don't know. I'm sure there are many other songs they could have chose. But whatever. Whatever. I didn't even know that. I didn't know that was in 2013. I did know that, which is why immediately I was like, that doesn't make it.

They had a whole year of songs to pick from. None were good enough for this video they had to go back a year whatever and so the way this for those of you haven't seen it let me see if i can describe it i'm gonna press play now i'm gonna do a play-by-play of what's happening okay okay so it flies over a big city i'm gonna assume new york maybe and pewdie, who looks like a man who's just done, like he's trying to escape YouTube, puts an awesome remix tape stolen from Guardians of the Galaxy into a tape cassette player, which, let's be clear, PewDiePie has never seen one of those before.

He's too young to ever have used any sort of tape recorder. Presses play, Little John starts playing, and then PewDiePie, what i assume is an act of defiance against youtube itself yes body slams a building he did body slam the building he body slams a building falls through the roof of the building as far as i can tell the first 25 seconds this video is a anti-youtube message it's like i I'm done. Like, if you watch PewDiePie, he's sort of just, like, shaking and jittery. Either he's furious with rage, or he spent all of his money on dope. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't know what's happening. Hold on. Yeah? What's happened is, he crashes into a YouTube building, right? There's a bunch of YouTubers, like, in school learning about YouTube, right? No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't skip that far ahead. Don't skip that far ahead.

We're not there yet. But if your point is valid before that, you can make it. But don't skip ahead. Alright, I'll save my analyzations for the end. Okay, so PewDiePie explodes through the building and lands in a sunny school setting featuring, I would say,

a dozen or so YouTubers that I don't know who the hell they are. I am far too old To know any of these people I am looking at it right now I don't know any of them I don't know a single one of them All of them seem like something your kids would love If you had kids

There's also IGGY Like at GGY I don't know who any of these people are Meanwhile their teacher The one educating them is a dude in a football uniform giving them a speech so my whole i don't know what goes on at youtube you but apparently it is it is a party school because there's dudes crashing through ceilings and there's football players giving lessons in full football gear where shouldn't

he be out on the field why Why is he dressed like that? What kind of school is this? Plus, you notice in the background, they have on the chalkboard, they have the Diet Coke plus Mentos bag. Oh, yeah, I see that. So here's the thing. That is definitely not 2014. They can only use that so much.

Look, YouTube. You can only go back to that well so much. That was popular maybe four years ago. You can't keep going back to the Mentos. You just can't. You can't keep doing that. So then, people keep, like, what do they pass? They're passing around something. They're passing around, like, a pacifier?

And everyone's like, oh! A pacifier! I don't like, oh, a pacifier. I don't know what the hell's going on. Then the kids start dancing in the classroom, which just goes to show you don't put a guy who's playing football in charge because he went off to go play the game, and all the kids in the classroom started dancing. It makes no sense. So far, we are 34 seconds into this, and it makes no sense. Then after you see these kids dancing and having a good time, I assume there are a bunch of people that, oh, then they show the guy who made those claws. Yeah, the Wolverine claws.

Wolverine claws. And he's like, I was popular for a hot minute, and then no one cared anymore. And then they switch up to now they're like in a mirror, selfie-ing. I don't know what's going on. It's like the let me take a selfie thing, right? That video, let me take a selfie. And then they switch to like an Asian dude who I don't know who he is either. And the Asian dude's in somewhere in Asia doing a dance that is from the –

oh, wait, hold on. What was Happies? Happies? Happies? Oh, Pharrell? No, no, hold on. What was Happies? Happy? Happies? Oh, girl. Yeah. No, no, I know. I'm trying to.

Happy release date. I just want to know the release. It says. Hold on. Recorded in 2013 at the Circle House Studios. Released November 21st, 2013. Nothing in this video is from 2014. I could have sworn it was from 2014 too.

No. In fact, that is not the case. All right. So then a bunch of YouTubers who I haven't – like some of these YouTubers I know. Yeah. But they haven't been popular YouTubers in years. They're YouTubers who left YouTube to go do other things besides YouTube, but they're in this video now. Like the dude with, like, the beard, like the red-headed dude with the beard and the long hair who was like, I'm the dude who dresses up like ladies and pretends I'm a fashion model. That guy, like, left. the dude who dresses up like ladies and pretends I'm a fashion model. That guy like left.

He doesn't even barely does YouTube anymore. Yeah. And then they got like all these guys dancing and then weird robot Asian men and then people dancing to this song and in Asia. Yeah. And then all of a sudden a thing pulls up and then a bunch of like very attractive Asians appear, which is great. Still don't know any of these people. I'm liking this Asian part.

Yeah. No, they're gorgeous. Still don't know any of these people. I'm liking this Asian part. Yeah, no, they're gorgeous. They just need ASMR stuff in there. And then the Smosh guys show up and they're like, hey, we're Smosh. We don't know what we're doing. No, they're like kissing. They're about to kiss. And then cut to the water stuff. Again, the Smosh part, I guess

that's like a thing. Yeah, I think there's like the people kissing, but then it cuts to water being poured on everyone. Yeah, and then like all the like duos, the famous duos of YouTube, then it cuts to like random guys on YouTube, and then more people just pouring water on each other. Water is like the ice bucket challenge.

Yeah, and it keeps going and going and going and going, and it's just like, alright, great. YouTube, you did it. You brought ice bucket back. Yeah, they brought the ice bucket back, and then it's Nicki Minaj next, I think. It keeps going and doesn't stop. And people are still pouring ice on each other. And then this one girl's like, ha, you didn't get me.

I have a thing. I have a thing. And then we end up in the freaking jungle. Nicki Minaj. And I'm not sure what's going on. It's referencing the anaconda. I get it. I just don't.

Whatever. And then after that, we get about three and a half minutes. After we're in the jungle, we get about three and a half minutes of what's-his-face. That guy every girl that I know on planet Earth loves. Who? White-haired gay dude. What's his name? Tyler Oakley.

Yeah, Tyler Oakley. Everyone loves him. And so we get three and a half minutes of him. And then we switched to like a bunch of singers. And then the prank guys are like, Hey, we got it. Like spider dog.

And then, and then, and then suddenly we get the, uh, carrying the flag thing, which I, if I'm not mistaken, the carrying the flag bit is from

Hold on now I gotta look this up Google.com will go to Oh my god What is that damn guy's name Flag Carrying Yes the music video for I have no idea

God damn it he's a rapper Macklemore And what was that one fucking song he sang? Not Thrift Shop. Macklemore. Macklemore. Can't Hold Us? Yeah.

Can't Hold. Yeah. Macklemore Can't Hold Us Release. Can't Hold Us. Now, I just want to be clear about this. Macklemore Can't Hold Us Release. Remember, they're carrying the flag. That's what that's a spoof of.

That song was from 2011. So there you go. So now they're running through all these different YouTube spoof things carrying this flag. Yeah. And some dude kicks a guy in the effing head. And then they get a bunch of people to play what appears to be, I don't even know what. Minecraft? Yeah, Minecraft.

And then they get Kid President, who's great, but I haven't seen any of his videos in forever. And then they go through like Colbert and all them, which is, I mean, they're not even on YouTube, but whatever. They just kind of got him. Yeah. And then. Freddie Wong. Yeah.

Then they go to Flappy Bird, whatever. And it's one of our good friends, Ro, who I believe this is the first time she's left the house in weeks. And I'm pretty sure her sister is, like, right after her. Like, that looks like her sister. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I don't know that her sister does YouTube, but I'm just going to say whatever. Then there's, like, we're going to run to another door. And then they run into a YouTube rewind door, and now they're outside, and they're going to do a Frozen parody.

And then it rewinds to, like, every single person in the video. And if you've made it four minutes and 24 seconds so far into this thing, congratulations. You have more patience than me. I fast-forwarded through. We were doing a review of it, and I fast-forwarded through it. It is awful. It is legitimately awful. I, again,

the amount of time and money that goes into these kinds of things blows my mind, but that, the fact that we just spent 11 minutes talking about something that's 4 minutes long, if you made it through this, God bless you. Here's the thing. I didn't mind it. What? Shut up. I didn't mind it. It's awful. It's awful. You can't even, shut up. You can't mind it. It's awful. It's awful. You can't even. Shut up.

Shut up. You can't kiss YouTube ass. They already pay you. You can't kiss. I didn't mind it. You just want to be in one. No. I don't even want to be in one.

That means I have to leave my house. I don't want to leave. I'm not even going to. It was horrible. Here's the thing. There's no way you can be like, it was all right. I thought it was all right. I didn't think it was the best thing I ever saw.

I didn't think it was terrible, though. I thought it was average. Which means it's awful for a company that makes several billion dollars a year. For a company that makes several billion dollars, yes. But if you and I sat down to make a video like that Oh, we'd make a far better video No, but that's what we produced If you and I made that and that's what we produced

People would be like, damn, that's amazing You guys really put in a lot of time and effort This is a company that makes jillions of dollars And that's what they produced It's garbage, Crendor That's true It's garbage Alright, when you put it like that

I can understand now. Because, like, this does look like something we'd produce. Right? It's incoherent. We made a really high-quality production. It's incoherent. It's just they got someone. It references things that aren't even supposed to be referenced.

Yeah, it's like, welcome to 2014. Let's reference things that are seven years old. That's something I would do. It is like the insane ramblings of David Lynch put on film. Watch it. Oh yeah, I need your Lynchian reviews. Here's my David Lynch analyzation.

Alright, so we start from the beginning. PewDiePie stands upon a building, opening a cassette player. He places the cassette into the cassette player, saying that he's going to reference the old times. But notice one thing. He is standing upon the YouTube building, for he's at the top. He is at the top of this YouTube building, and by putting in his old cassette tape,

he now has the power to crash down to normal levels. And as he crashes into the normal levels, people are shocked, amazed, they're laughing, and he has now referenced all these old YouTube videos. They have come crashing into the building in a cyclone that is

absorbing all these old YouTube things, and people are shocked. They're taking these baby rattles out and looking at them. They're busting into old dance moves of old songs. And all these people are very excited because they're now relevant again. And as we speed through this, we get to the selfie video, which is referencing YouTubers' selfishness and their desire to be popular and famous, even if they've gone out of date. Then we get transferred to Asia, the kingdom of technology, if you will. And people start dancing in Asia because they are now in this kingdom,

feeling that they are yet again relevant in the kingdom. But as we progress further, we get to Smosh, who are, if you notice, are in a black and white clip. Do you know what that means? I do. It means that what we're seeing is true and that they are, in fact, in love with each other.

Yes, it's very black and white. It's very black and white. There is no gray there. There is no gray. There is no gray. They love each other super sexually. And then they have the ice bucket water poured onto them. Yes, because cool off, guys.

Cool off. Because that love is so hot. It's red hot. When you think of the ice bucket challenge, people announce they're in the ice bucket challenge and then pour the ice water onto themselves. Nobody in this video announces that they're in the ice bucket challenge. Or pours water onto themselves. Nobody in this video announces that they're in the ice bucket challenge. Or pours water on themselves.

It's always cruelly onto someone else. Which shows us that YouTube is dumping the ice water of reality onto these illusion-minded

people who think they are now relevant again, but YouTube is mocking them in this video saying, rewind, rewind, because it's all just a metaphor. And then we get forwarded into Nicki Minaj and her anaconda clips and everybody dancing and that. That's just people wishing

that they had Nicki Minaj's butt. And lust for wieners. Yes. And really, the rest of the video is just irrelevant in any other way, and that is what this video means. I agree. It is an awful video. Thank you for pointing that out, Crandall Orson.

My favorite part about this is On Twitter I noticed One of our friends Will Who used to be a really really big Influential YouTuber guy A few years ago Was talking about how he watched the video And he barely recognizes anyone

And he's like The YouTube I was involved with was Three years ago He knew all the big players, everyone. Flash forward three years, he recognizes no one. That's how crazy the YouTube turnover rate is. Like, three years from now, everyone you love on YouTube, you will not know who the hell they are. You will have aged out of knowing who the big YouTubers are.

But, however, from this video, I discovered Chika Yoshida. Is that that really cute Asian girl? Yeah, she gives English lessons to Japanese people on YouTube. Let me tell you, these videos are fun to watch. Because she starts talking, and she's like, all right, so she's going to teach you about your welcome. She starts talking in English. She's like, hey, guys, how's it going?

Then all of a sudden, she's like, chichate. English. She's like, hey, guys, how's it going? Then all of a sudden she's like, chichate anone. And then you're like, whoa, what? And she keeps talking and she transfers. I'm sorry. For anyone out there who might be Japanese, is chichate anone Japanese? Chichate anone. It sounds like when an old sci-fi show needed alien dialogue, and they were like, just make up some shit.

Chinchache, adonay. But she keeps talking. And she's like, akomomai. I thought, you're welcome. And it's just like she flows back and forth between Japanese and English. It's very addicting. So it's like Spanglish. It's like people who speak in both Spanish and English.

Yeah. Except it's Japanese. The only reason why you care is because she's a cute girl. Here's the problem, internet. Half the shit people do on the internet, no one gives a damn

unless you're like a really cute girl. Cute girls on YouTube can do anything. You, literally, anything. Oh, I've discovered. Those ASMR people, they're like,

hi, I'm gonna bake a cookie. It's a, I'm going to bake a cookie. It's a fucking cookie. She's baking a cookie. But because she's cute, people are like, 74,000 views in like a minute. Here's the thing. You can be not attractive and do it too. You just can't show yourself. It's true.

I mean, you can do it. Just don't put yourself on video. You get grossed out. I'm not saying there's ugly people. I'm just saying, if you are an ugly person, just don't show yourself in a YouTube video. Yeah, I mean, if you're ugly, just don't put yourself in a YouTube video. Yeah, I mean, if you're ugly, just don't put your fucking face on camera. Gross. Well, because

people are rude. They're gonna be like, oh, look at this ugly person. I'm not watching them talk about popcorn, you know? Hi, guys. Today I'm gonna eat popcorn. Oh, my God.

Can we just do a whole podcast in our ASMR voices? I think so. Hey, guys. Today we're going to talk about Cox and Crandor. But I don't want to talk about it yet. That's okay because I'm in your bedroom now. See, that's the one thing I hate. The voices that they use for those ASMR videos,

I'm always worried that they're, like, if I let my guard down, if I turn one on, it's going to be like, Hey, guys, today we're going to make pancakes. And then I'm going to kill you. Right? Because you know that's like, because you're like letting your guard down. And you're just like, oh, that's a nice voice. And it's like, I am inside your house, and I will eat your soul.

But at the same time, I'm sure a lot of people out there would be like. I mean, you know, she's a very cute girl. I mean, if she was more cute than me. They would. They would. They'd be like, you know, she's pretty hot. I guess she could eat my soul. I'm not going to have no problem with that.

That's fine with me. That's all I'm saying. That's how the internet works. It is. It is. Crendor, I've said this for years. If I ever quit YouTube, I'd make a second channel. I'd make another channel called, it doesn't matter what it's called,

and I'd pay an actress, a very attractive actress, to be the host, and I'd make a million dollars. Yep. I'm convinced of it. There's some stuff that blows... Look, all I'm saying is, yes, all the comments would be like, I wanna do you, but

we'd still make a million dollars. Here's the thing. We know the formulas. People are gonna be offended like, well, ugly people are able to do this too. It's like, I'm not saying... I'm sure they're able to do it, but there's going to be, there's always this segment of just guys and those types of people that are just looking around. And they just find videos like, they're the hot person, I'm going to watch this video. Why do you think 90% of the thumbnails on YouTube are boobs? Or like hot girls?

All those video collections, I swear to God, all those video collections that are like the 10 best vines this week, all of them, the image they use is always a hot girl. Why? Because dudes are simple-minded creatures. And you can click that video and one out of those 10 would probably be a hot girl. Everything else is just like really stupid shit.

But the guys are clicking it for that one moment. Because dudes are insane people. Ladies, I don't want to spoil the game, but men are like, are there boobs involved? If that's the case, then we're there. You know, I mean, like there is no, there's nothing. Every time, every time I have a discussion with a woman, it ends up being the fact that I believe many of you think that we are deeper than we are. And any guy who tries to convince you that he's deeper than he is is doing it because he wants to get in your pants.

Men are not at all thoughtful. We are dummies. We're all dummies. Well, like, even on, like, there could be a very intelligent, kind guy who's, like, you know, really good, and he would, like, be going through YouTube and just see, like, Asian, cute Asian girl eating pizza. And he'd be like, oh, I'm going to click that. Yeah. Thoughtful, intelligent guy, the guy who's like, I write poetry. In between writing poetry, he's checking out boobs online.

Spoiler. I wouldn't even limit to that. I feel like there'd be women, too, that'd be like, oh, whoa, attractive woman eating pizza. I'll watch that. I wouldn't even limit to that. I feel like there'd be women too that'd be like, oh, whoa, attractive woman eating pizza. I'll watch that. I feel like everybody'd watch that. God, you're right. You're absolutely right. I agree with you. Everyone can appreciate an attractive woman.

I think Crandor brings up valid points here today. God, you're on point, man. Listen, I've been on point for six years. That's how I've been doing it this long. You gotta find out what the people want. You know, Crendor's absolutely right. There's a reason why I don't make any videos. I'm not in all my videos. You don't see my face in all my videos. Yeah. I want you to watch them.

I'm one of the first times. That's why I'm not in videos. People would be like, I bet Crendor thinks he's so attractive. First time I put my thing up, they were like, he looks like a goblin. And I was like, I don't care. As long as you watch the video, I'll look like a goblin rock laying in a mud field. Yeah, people are like, I probably listen to this podcast being like, oh, you guys are just, you're making fun of people. No, no, the truth is, there's a reason why I don't put myself on YouTube.

I'm no dummy. I do one Q&A, and that's all you get, and that's just me at a desk. Anything else is too much. That's when you're like, oh, God, I'm going to go back and look at this attractive girl eating a footlong hot dog. I didn't show myself on YouTube for like three years. See? I had to build it up, And then I could reveal myself like,

hey, I'm just four out of ten here. Can I just tell you something? I just realized we should do a cosplay where I play one of the Hobgoblins and you play a goblin from WoW. We just go around BlizzCon like, hey, what are you doing?

Oh, man. That would be great. So you gotta use what God gave doing? Oh, man. It'd be great. That would be great. I'm all for it. See, you got to use what God gave you. Or other deity. I'm not going to hold you down to one. What I'm saying is, Zeus is an asshole. He could have made me chiseled like Thor.

But instead, he made me like Bacchus. A lot of people say, you know, just follow your dreams, man. That's not true. What if I had a dream to go play for the Chicago Bulls, right? I could go follow that dream. You've said this before, and it still

makes no sense. It makes sense. I could go follow that dream, play for Chicago Bulls. It's probably not going to happen. And it's like, you know what? I may end up just wasting my life. You should still follow it. No, I shouldn't. It's not a waste of your life. You should do whatever your heart wants you to do. Waste of my life.

And you should follow your dream. And if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out, but at least you tried. Yeah, but you wasted like 15 years trying to make the Chicago Bulls when you just played in Europe on the bench. Yeah, but here's the thing. You'll be the best basketball player you know. But you know what I could have been doing? You'll kick their ass and horse all the time. You know what I could have been doing? Playing video games on the thing. You'll be the best basketball player you know. But you know what I could have been doing? You'll kick their ass and horse all the time.

You know what I could have been doing? Playing video games on the internet. Well, maybe that's not their dream. Maybe they don't enjoy that. Wait. Whoa. Whoa. You just said don't follow your dreams to become a basketball player.

Instead, play video games on the internet and get on YouTube. Well, that wasn't my dream. That's twice as hard as being a basketball player. Is it? Yes. It's twice as hard as being a basketball player. Is it? Yes. It's literally the exact same thing. I mean, I don't know. Just do it every once in a while.

It's literally the exact same. I gave you credit. I gave you credit where none was due. I told you you were on point. The only points you got were fouls from fouls. Because you are out, mister. That is your fourth. You're done.

You're done. It's actually six fouls and you're out. Is it? I thought it was four. No, it's six. Who made it six? Wait, is it five? Those assholes in the NBA probably because everyone's just slap happy in that damn league.

Yeah, it's five or six. I forget which one. It's not four though. I hate the NBA. All right. I don't know where to even go from here we were all over the place what we learned today is that crendor thinks that if you're ugly stay off youtube i'm just saving people from the mean comments that's all i'm saying yeah we get enough if you want to see mean comments go watch our

videos i only have like four mental breakdowns a year From the bad comments Yeah I only go into hiding once or twice a year Yeah Although I guess here's the question I would ask This is to you and I'm going to put you on the spot Alright I'm on the spot

Would you rather be A beautiful woman Who does whatever It doesn't matter what video but all the comments are like I just want to do you Would you rather be Would you rather be a beautiful Woman who Does whatever it doesn't matter what video but all the comments Are like I just want to do you Or yourself I'd rather be me No doubt

It's a weird thing Here's the thing when I say Don't like the really Attractive people they're like oh look at me I'm gonna put me in the thumbnail I'm gonna be in the video Blah blah they do that cause that's like That's their main, they're like, Oh, look at me. I'm going to put me in the thumbnail. I'm going to be in the video, blah, blah. They do that because that's their main thing they're using. Yeah, themselves.

They're using themselves because they're gorgeous. Yes, agreed. I can't do that. You can't do that either. We have to fall back onto things like our stupid voices. Things like talent and humor. Stupid voices and humor and witty banter. And that's what we get by on.

We don't have any of that shit. But at the same time, if we're good at that, we're locked and loaded. Yeah, yeah, of course. Oh, I agree with you. I agree with where you're going with this. I'm almost back in your team now. Almost. All right, good.

I just got to offer like a signing bonus and a no trade clause. Here's my thing, though. This is, I think, this is, I think, I think this is how us uggos luck out in the end. Beauty fades. Yeah. And so beautiful people only have a certain time before they're done. That's right. But funny lasts forever.

We can be old farts and like, I can be with like half my face from stroke gone and still be hilarious. So look at me, everybody. Right stroke gone and still be hilarious. So look at me, everybody. Right? I can still be funny. I was trying to think of like what my old age, I imagine my old age situation is that. People stop caring about appearance really as much.

Yeah. When you're old, no one gives a shit what you look like. And that's my point. One day. That's it. If I can make it to old age, man, that's my prime zone. If I can make it to old age, man, that's my prime zone. If I can make it to 60, I'm going to get lots of young tail.

That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. Young robot tail. Then it will pay off. Then it will all pay off. The YouTube girls. Oh, God. Well, I guess that's it for this episode.

I think we've done it. I think we've achieved greatness here. That's all we're going to talk about this episode. It is just us being weirdos. Yeah. Yeah. We did good. I think we did good.

Yeah. Damn it. All right, guys. That's it. Thank you for listening, and we will be back soon to be continued.