Cox n' Crendor Show - Episode 89 - We Write A Book (Again)

Episode Date: January 15, 2015

The boys are back, Crendor is sick, Jesse is full of chili, and a book gets written. Also Jesse learns if he can only live to be 65 he'll make a fortune!

Hello everybody, it's time for Cox and Crendor in the morning. In the morning. Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live. In 4 hour recording studio. Recorded. Wake your ass up, it's Cox and Crendor in the morning. Cox and Crendor in the morning. Hello everybody, welcome to Cox and Crandor in the morning.

Welcome, I'm almost better. I was about to say, it's taken you a year to get over this cold of yours. Really, like, it's been about a little over a week now, and it's down to the point. Bull patootie. Last podcast, you were sick. You were sick before that podcast. Oh, you're right. You have been sick for like three weeks, bro. Well, I... As a friend, I worry about you because the tampering...

I finally get to put blame on you for there not being a podcast, and it makes me feel bad. I know. I know, right? I'm usually the one that's all like, Jesse. Jesse, where are you? Jesse, you're not here. Jesse, you're not doing it. Jesse, you're not showing up.

You're there. You're just not there. That's the problem. That's what's happening now. I'm there, but I'm not there. I'm like, I'm showing up, but I'm not here. Uh-huh. That's, I mean, that's, yeah.

I would agree. I would say that's your normal behavior, but to the extreme. Yeah, it's to the extreme. Yeah, let's do extreme. Normally, I'm just going to go out, eat some coffee, breakfast, check out the Ikea. Yeah, so my point exactly. Maybe a Target stop or something, you know? Come back home. Speaking of eating, I just want to say something.

Today, I was on the other side of the city, which is basically like three miles away, but an hour drive. Yeah. Something ridiculous like that. Like you can walk there in like 10 minutes, but you'll die. Yes. You'll be run over by everyone else who's driving like a crazy person. Yeah. So while I was over on the other side of the city, I was like, you know what?

I haven't had in forever like a really good hot dog. Like a really good hot dog. A really good hot dog. I looked up this place and it was called Hot Joe's or Joey Joe Joe Shabadoo's. It was some kind of crazy place. The food they served there was literally

what it was like back in Ohio where your options of food were hot dog, chili, chili on spaghetti spaghetti, chili on like in a bowl, and various types of chili. And someone called up and was like, yeah, so I want to get an order. And I'm listening to them talk. And they're like, yeah, I want the chili. I want this.

And he's like, can I get a small salad? And the woman laughed at him and was like, we don't have salad here, dear. I was like, yay. And so it was really, really good, by the way. It was delicious. The problem that I have is I think when I said I wanted the hot chili and she's like, oh, that's going to sit in you like a brick. I'm like, I don't care. Hot chili sounds delicious.

It's been a few hours now. And my innards are doing things that they have never done before. It is a mess down there. It's like... Not since the McCox and Crendor have they been this crazy. Well, here's the thing. McCox and Crendor, I didn't like the taste of it, so I sort of just like only ate a few bites. This was delicious.

So I was like... Oh, my God. It's a dark, dark territory down below, let me tell you. I don't know. So then I had the brilliant idea when I got home that I was like, man, I want juice. I don't have any effing juice. I looked at my fridge. There's nothing in there.

All I have is water. I was like, I don't want water. I want juice. Yeah, like the big juice. I wanted some juice. It doesn't matter what juice i want to juice so i looked and i had pomegranates and i figured if people can make pomegranates into juice i can do the same nope i can't i can't do the same pomegranates are hard work i thought pomegranates are delicious i should get one of those nope don't bother don't bother getting a pomegranates are delicious. I should get one of those. Nope. Don't bother. Don't bother getting a

pomegranate. You gotta cut the thing open and dig out little kernel things. And those kernel things have seeds inside every single damn one. Not worth it. Not worth it. Yeah, it's true. It's not worth it. It's like a crazy like, jigsaw puzzle fruit. Not worth it. Not even

I, and here's the thing, so then rather than try to juice the little kernels, I just started eating the kernels. It's all seeds! Every once in a while you get like a squirt of juice, you're like, oh, that's so good. And then it's seed. You have to munch on seeds. So eventually what I was doing is I would chew,

I'd be like, oh, that was delicious, and then spit out the seeds and go back in for more. I just wanted the juice, Crandor. I just wanted that juice. So now I have in my gut a layer of chili with a weird layer of seed and pomegranate juice on top of it. That is going to make for an excellent 2 a.m. crap, I'm sure.

Oh, my God. I'm not looking forward to waking up in the middle of the night like, oh, why did I do that? I had that whenever I get the spicy Chipotle. I got a normal Chipotle today, but, I mean, I ate the whole thing. It was delicious. I should have got Chipotle instead. I was like, oh, that meat chili looks delicious.

And she's like, it's extra hot. I'm like, I want that. I should have made that choice. Pomegranate reminds me of, like, it's extra hot. I'm like, I want that. Should have made that choice. Pomegranate reminds me of crab legs. What? Oh, it's delicious, but a ton of work. Mm-hmm. I don't want to do that.

I don't want to crack the crab leg, dig it out, and just get the little bit of meat. No, just give me a lobster. The best experience I ever had with a shellfish was a lobster. And I think I've said this before. When I was 2005, my parents and I were in Mexico. Amazing time, by the way. But it was over New Year's. And we sat on the beach.

And they brought us crab tail. No, I'm sorry. Lobster tail. Crab tail. I don't know what the hell that was. Crab tail. Crab tail. They brought us lobster tail and champagne.

And shots of tequila on the beach. I must have eaten like 1,200 lobster tails. I was like, keep them coming. It was great. I've never experienced that before. Consistently, I'm like, one day I want to go back and just live like a king on a beach in Mexico. That's my goal.

My life goal is just to get enough money and get the hell out and end up on a beach. You've always said that. Where like models, model women are fanning you. Yeah, man. It doesn't have to be models. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's the difference.

Not models. Local native girls. Yeah. Yeah. That's where it's at. There you go. Because they don't know that I'm a scumbag. Yeah. They don't speak the language. That's true. Like that's where it's at. There you go. Because they don't know that I'm a scumbag. Yeah.

They don't speak the language. That's true. Like, that's right. See, Mr. Coxie. And you're like, yeah, bring me the grapes. And the lobster tail. And the crab tail. And the crab tail.

No crab tail. Bring me the crab tail. No crab tail. Bring me the crab tail. No crab tail. Bring me the crab tail. No crab tail. Bring me the crab tail. Uh-huh. See, you sound better already. The problem is that it's down to like a cough.

Like it was a bad cough last few days, but like it's down to like a decent cough. It's down to a cough and? And like my throat got sore again today, but I think it's just because I've been coughing so much. Oh, I thought that was making a good song. It's down to a cough and a prayer. Where do we go from here? Really shitty song.

I don't know, but Crandor will be there. It's a great song. That's a great song. Screw you. That sounds like it doesn't make any sense. What do you mean? We're down to a cough and a prayer. That's the great song. That's a great song. Screw you. That sounds like it doesn't make any sense. What do you mean? We're down to a cough and a prayer. I forgot what the lyrics were.

What does that mean? Cough and a prayer? That's all they have left in their life. They're sick and they got prayers. Oh. It's religious. You wouldn't understand it. I thought they meant like that's their only object they have. We got this coffin and jar.

This coffin and jar. Put it next to my crab tail. That's what I thought. I was like, I don't want that. Uh-huh. That's sad. That's real sad. I'm trying to.

Here's the thing. I watch all of Harry Potter's. You did say that, yes. Yeah, I told you that. I didn't tell everybody else that. Maybe you did. I don that yes yeah i told you that i didn't tell everybody else that but maybe you did i don't remember no i only told you because we were playing heroes of the storm no that's true all right and then uh i never saw or read harry potter before and i i keep like seeing all these things that i've never seen before like read before or whatever and i feel

like i'm like i'm here's what I've watched the past year and a half. I never saw Back to the Future. I never saw, what was that movie, The Rock? Yes, I made Crender watch The Rock. Yeah, I never saw The Rock. Never saw Harry Potter. Never saw Terminator. What?

Not even Terminator 2? No. So, I mean, I finally saw that. What? I'm catching up on all the things I never saw. I need to make you watch Twin Peaks. That's my life goal. Oh, yeah, the Twin Peaks.

You need to come out here just so we can do a Twin Peaks marathon, and that's it. That sounds good to me. Just come out here, watch it, be like, I don't understand this, and then be like, I get it now at the end. And by get it, you mean you've just accepted it makes no sense. Well, it's David Lynch. Automatically, it won't make any any sense but i'll try to get it a man cracks his head on a mirror and laughs like a crazy person for like five minutes he's like yeah crack

it's like what is going on right now laughing at society's views that reflect upon vanity. He shattered the glass mirror of vanity. What was the... Oh yeah, I started trying to write a novel. That's fun. How's that working out for you? It's going pretty good. I'm writing a lot of backstory. Turns out, here's the thing. In school, they always told me

you tell too much and don't show. And that's like the big writer thing. Too many people tell and don't show and that's like the big writer thing is too many people tell and don't show like it's boring writing if they're just like jim went to the store he felt weird he got an apple he ate it he left like you're just telling you're not showing it you're not like jim wandered into the store browsing around and seeing many different fruits and vegetables available. That's exactly the same thing, though, except with more words.

Yeah, but you're showing more. No, you're not. You're just using more flippant, like, flamboyant words. Well, that's what the writers do. No, it's not. No, they do like, they're like, As he picked up the apple, in his hand he squished. For it was not ripe, it was soggy. A soggy apple like the morning dew after the first rain of autumn.

When the stars align and the ripe apples fall to the ground to be eaten by the small wood chips of chipmundo. Tiny rodents that only show up every 300 years that live underground most of the time but like john who lives in his house and never comes out but to feast on unripe apples see that's how people write that's what people write garbage you're gonna write garbage let me write it for you we should get together and write our book yeah for tweens you don't even have to be good to write i'm just gonna write my book by people. For tweens. You don't even have to be good to write. I'm just going to write my book. But people, check it out.

I wrote it. Check it out. I wrote it. Everyone, I wrote this book. Like, that's all you need. I already got my, like, we got our followings. Yeah, let's just write a book. We'll call it Crab Tales.

And we'll, it'll be great. Yeah. And then, you know, it might get, like, three stars. But you know what? It's going to get, like. I don't think books get stars. On Amazon, they do. be great yeah and then you know it might get like three stars but you know what it's gonna get like i don't think books get stars on amazon they do so they get a couple hundred stars you know people being like this book was really mediocre but you know what we did better than that guy who wrote his really good fantasy book that got like two reviews on it i feel like you assume

there's a lot of money in books no i just want to write one. I want to write a book before you write a book. No, I'm going to write it first. Nope, I want to write a book before you write a book. I'm going to get a ghostwriter to write it. It's going to be a good book. My book's going to be called Tips for Dudes. Tips for Dudes.

It's going to be like an old man's life lesson for dudes. I wouldn't want a ghostwriter to write my book. I'd rather write it myself and people be like, this is really shitty. You expect it to be like an old man's life lesson for dudes. I wouldn't want a ghost writer to write my book. I'd rather write it myself and people be like, this is really shitty. You expect it to be shitty. You should write a book with the purpose of it being good. Well, if I do that. Uh-huh.

Then, I know your fear. Then if people say it sucks, then you'll spend all that time on it. Crandor, don't worry. Don't worry. You're like every other writer out there. Do you think J.Kk rowling didn't think that her first book sucked she probably was like no one's gonna like this that's true my first harry potter book she's like everyone's probably gonna hate harry i love harry i made him up in my mind

fish tank you know that dumbledore is gay yeah i was listening to her thing she's just like dumbledore is gay she's like some people got really offended. I'm like, I wrote the character. I know what he is. I was like, yeah. Who cares? He's Dumbledore. I'm more, I believe, look, I believe Snape is Harry's father. I'm fully aboard on that. I don't care what anyone says. Snape banged Mama Potter and Harry is his son.

Don't care what anyone says. I think that'd be a really cool twist in the story. That's what I would want. Fact. That's what I would want. Fact. That's what I say. And that's from a guy who's only read three of the books. Yeah. I read three of the books and saw the movies.

That's what I'm saying. I clearly know more than you fans out there. People think you got to be good at stuff. You don't. That's the key. That's the key. Don't got to be good at it at all oh we're aware at all but we're very aware we are so i go like i was reading like a lot of like writer forums and

like the writer reddit and stuff like that people are really getting into it like these tropes are overused and these things are overdone and these things i'm like no no no. Nobody cares. Nobody cares about that. It's all about... Except for you, nerds. Yeah. So, like, they're like, I try to read some of the things they write. I just get bored. This is part of just my, like, simple-minded ADD mind. Like, I have to read... That's because we have a lot of friends who are writers, and when you read the things they write, they're like...

The voluptuous Nelson walked centrally down the street towards the new found factory of tomorrow's discovery. Henceforth, they shall now be knoweth as the slaves to man's endeavors. What the shit are you talking about? Exactly. I don't want to read that. I'm like, what the shit is this talking about? I just want to read like, Bill down the street smelled pretty good kind of like pizza you know a magical pizza that he had found earlier that day yeah turn to page 58 for more

exactly you just skip 50 something then call it like skip book and some guy in the new york time like this shit is revolutionary bam i'm not I'm not going to lie to you. I'll send you a, today, in my post office box, I got an amazing gift. And it doesn't, it's from Amazon. It doesn't have, like, who sent it. So I'm going to say it on the podcast because, you know, someone may have sent that who listens right now. But it's a book and it has the Eiffel Tower on it.

And it says how to hide your boner. And when you open the book, each page is like, don't hide your boner here, don't hide your boner here, until you get to the middle of the book, it's like, ooh, this is a good place to hide your boner. And then if you get towards the end, it's like, nope, too far, you've gone too far. That's literally it. One sentence per page. Maybe like 150 pages. You know what?

That book has sold more copies than some of these people. That's all I'm saying. Some of these people have spent their whole life writing their manuscript, and this person has sold one more book than they'll ever sell. Yep. Hide your boner. I now have a book about boners. How to hide my boner. Let's hire us for writing advice.

We should write a book on writing advice. Look, we should write an advice. Shit, we should write an advice book. Cox and Cranmer's write an advice. Shit, we should write an advice book. Cox and Crandall's Advice Guide. Oh, we should write an advice book. Oh, my God, we should. That's a brilliant idea. That's a brilliant idea.

We give advice on all sorts of shit. Yeah, it doesn't even have to make sense. Oh, people can write in and we'll just answer it. Yeah. And that'll be our book. That'll be our book. Oh, my God, that's a genius idea. That is a genius idea. Oh, man.. That's a genius idea. That is a genius idea.

Oh, man. We're about to make a jillion dollars. We are. Oh, my God. That's a genius idea. Just hire someone to write it. Pay him like 20 bucks, then we'll make all the money. We need a ghostwriter so then we can just talk to him.

Yeah. So he'll do all the writing, and we'll just show up one day and be like, all right, so this letter says, Dear Carson Crandor, how do I pick up a girl? And then we just talk for 25 minutes and he writes it down. Yeah. Just be like, well, first off, get down on your squat a bit and you just pick her up. And there you go.

Don't throw out your back. Next question. Best book ever. Legitimately the best book I've ever read. It's going to be on the New York Times bestseller. What the hell is this shit? And they're going to read it and be like, wow. These guys are geniuses.

These guys are comedic geniuses. We should give them their own show on Fox. And we'll be like, screw you, Fox. We're going to ABC. Go to ABC. We're going to HBO. We're going to be like Mr. Show was back in the day. A reverent comedy that no one really got. But then 20 Oh, no, we're going to HBO. We're going to be like Mr. Show was back in the day. Oh, yeah.

A reverent comedy that no one really got. But then 20 years from now, we'll all be famous. And people will appreciate us. Yeah. They'll be like, those are the guys that made like four podcasts a month. Yep. Oh. We have a panel.

Oh, we do have a panel. Yeah. So a reminder again, we'll be at PAX South at the end of the month, so come to our panel. It'll be great. And if that goes well, we've already been pre-approved for a panel at PAX East. I'm not even joking. We haven't even had our

panel at South. They want us for East. And Crandor's like, well, I don't know if I want to go to East. I'm going to let you know now if it's good at South, if a million people show up, he'll probably go to East. Yeah, if it's good, I'll go there. If it's not, I'd rather just stay home and go to east i'm gonna let you know now if it's good at south if a million people show up he'll probably go to east yeah if it's good i'll go there if it's not i'd rather just stay home and go to ikea that's what i'm saying we gotta make it we gotta convince him it's texas though oh crendor it's texas gonna be barbecue there's so much cool stuff i know plus i'm plus i'm not usually when i go to pax's i like make appointments to go like talk to developers and stuff this time

no yeah this time it's all this time it's all about just walking around meeting and greeting Usually when I go to PAX's, I make appointments to go talk to developers and stuff. This time, no. Yeah, none of that. This time, it's all about just walking around, meeting and greeting, shaking and spanking. Like, just going and saying hi to everyone, doing the panels, and then making Crenory barbecue. Getting delicious effing BBQ. I'm excited for that. I'm excited for the barbecue and the warm Uh huh I'm excited for all that

That's gonna be fun That'll be a real Texas treat And then If I can convince him Then I'll go to Boston And I can make him eat clam chowder And I can make him go to like crazy restaurants In Boston I like clam chowder though Cox and make them go to like crazy restaurants in Boston.

I like clam chowder though. Cox and cracks and Crandor in Boston. We can go to the historical places and film it. Oh my God. It needs to happen. Cox and Crandor 1776. It'll be our newest video slash podcast slash book. What?

Wait, hold on. Wait, Paul Revere rode through there right god damn someone rode through there it's not it's probably one of the most important cities in the founding of our country but whatever i think paul revere was a drunk too i heard that paul revere was like one of like three guys who ran that night. But Paul Revere was just easier to rhyme

and so they put him in the poem. Just make my name like Crendor Schmendor. So I can get a poem written about me. T'was the night of the 14th, and Crendor Schmendor woke. He

climbed down the banister and put on his cloak. For the British were coming, but little did they know that they would meet Crando. Or that's how your poem starts. Buy my book.

No, buy our advice book. Buy that too. All proceeds go to getting a mansion. Yeah. Oh, man. I can't wait until I can have a mansion so I can put nothing in it. Yeah, I keep thinking, like, why would I ever need a house? Everyone's like, you should buy a house.

I'm like, why would I need a house? Like, well, you know, Jesse, you're not getting any younger, and the best investment you can do in your life is own a house, own property. And I'm like, yeah, but what would I put in it? I would just fix it up like the HGTV shows. And then I'd be like, I don't know what to do with it anymore. I'm going to sell it. Unless it had some cool stuff like a buried treasure.

Yeah, like a buried treasure. Or a room that was fully dedicated to like some random thing like making hard boiled eggs a stripper pole what I was gonna say hard boiled egg room oh I was gonna say stripper pole room

my favorite thing about watching as people know I've been watching playstation the live playstation broadcast on my PlayStation. And one of the things that I like watching is people late at night. And I've noticed many people have stripper poles in their houses. And I've wondered, why is that? I mean, I get it.

I understand what it's for. But I don't know why you would have that in your home. Just like walk into the living room like, there's my pole. There's the stripper pole. Yeah, there's the stripper pole. Like, oh, okay. Why though? Like, what purpose? Unless you have like, hidden doors where suddenly

it's one of those like, fireman poles, then that's cool. In fact, I've always said I want a three-story like, house with a fire pole in the middle I can go from the top to the bottom and slide down. That'd be awesome. That would be pretty sweet I would love to have a thing where it's just a big-ass slide, you know slide right into the kitchen in the house Yeah, yeah Slide right

Yep That's what I'm saying. That's I agree. I agree look we have so many good ideas our advice book would sell millions of copies guys if you want the advice book I'm telling you in the comments let us know we'll do it we'll legit do it we'll make that happen

you have to write us in handwritten letters though yeah like that one lady yeah you have to write in handwritten letters then we'll include them in the book oh and then it's our to write in handwritten letters, then we'll include them in the book? Oh! And then it's our advice about your handwritten letters, and then we comment on your letters and stuff. Like, first word of

advice, learn cursive, because I don't know what the hell you're writing. I learned cursive, but I'm bad at it. I learned cursive and forgot 90% of it. I can do my signature, but that's like sloppy man cursive. It used to be a thing that's like sloppy man cursive. Cursive,

it used to be a thing that people did. Now people type. You can type a letter to us if you want, but it needs to, oh, Crandor. Crandor, you know why that's such a good idea? Because I got a book sent to me from the, what's the name

of that card game? Cards Against Humanity? They sent out a little booklet that was everyone's, it was all these really bad emails, and then their replies to them. And that was the book. Wait, what? People who sent bad emails to Cards Against Humanity complaining or asking for special cards.

There's one where, hold on, let me get this one. It's actually hilarious. Hold on, Crandall, I'm getting it. Oh, man, now it's becoming like my show. Here we go. This is a actual thing from Your Emails Are Bad and You Should Feel Bad by Cards Against Humanity. Okay.

This is my favorite one. The best part is they include their emails in here. It's just really mean. Please cancel my holiday bullshit order number 22570. I do not wish to receive any further deliveries by mail or in person of any of the items associated with this promotion. Please remove me from the

distribution list. I do not need a refund. I just want you to seize all of the items that are going to be sent to my address. In all honesty, I'm frightened about what you guys have planned, especially in light of what I may have written for my order I seem to remember having jokingly asked for something along the lines of World peace and an end to famine and porn

Lots and lots of porn Well, I do not want porn I am a married father of three I am quite honestly frightened about the embarrassment That anything like that could cause my family I'm worried that it could truly cause a rift in my relationship with my wife And I won't say his name for being nice reasons. And they reply, And I won't say his name for being nice reasons.

And they reply, I promise you are not getting any porn. Everyone's getting the same gifts which have already been shipped out. And then he replies again, I'm fine with receiving some relatively innocuous gifts that you may have sent out to everyone. As long as that is all your company plans on sending me, then I'm fine. No problem. Please excuse the paranoia. What? exercise all due force and all legal options necessary to protect myself, my family, and my property from unwanted intrusion. And they reply, I don't know what else to tell you.

We're not sending you porn. Have a nice day, weirdo. I would just send them a note that just says porn on it. That is legitimately what our book means to be. People giving us advice and us being like, wow, you are just dumb. I mean, it's true.

Most people are very dumb. I think our book would sell jillions. I think it would sell jillions. Not even like a fake number, like actual jillions. Yeah, we'd be the first ever best-selling jillion-dollar book. They'd make a movie. They'd make a movie about us. I'd be Brad Pitt. You'd be the first ever best-selling jillion-dollar book. They'd make a movie. They'd make a movie about us. I'd be Brad Pitt.

You'd be Angelina Jolie. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not fake. I don't got, like, jaw bones or cheek bones that can, like, slice bread. But your ass is fantastic. I'd probably be more like a, like a... Oh, we'd have a reunion. Tom Hanks.

Nope, nope. You ready for this? You ready for this? Nope, nope. You ready for this? Uh-huh. I'm played by Danny DeVito. You're played by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

All right, I can deal with that. Yep, that's our movie. I like... Oh, man. Who knows what crazy adventures they'd go on. He's like, I'm so drunk right now, Krendor. Krendor's like, what are you doing?

You're so drunk. You've got too much to drink. I know. I'm older. And he's like, you don't need to stop that right now. You've taken all the beers. We have nothing for the party. That party's in my pants. You need to stop that right now. You've taken all the beers. We have nothing for the party. That's the party.

It's in my pants. No. The party is in this house in which we're in right now, but we have no alcohol. Jenny, the girl I love, is going to be here in two minutes. If you don't bring us alcohol, we're going to have no party. And then me just pukes up the alcohol on the ground and goes, there it is. He's like, oh, no. That's our skit slash book slash movie.

My new goal, screw YouTube. I'm going for, like, number one author of all time. I mean, you have to know how to write. I do. Everybody can know how to write. You just mean I have to know how to write well. No, no, no, no, no. We're getting a ghost written.

We have to have one book first, right? We have to have a number one Cox and Crandor bestseller. This is happening. This is happening, guys. All right. We need to find a famous ghostwriter is what we need. Yeah. And we need one who will work for the possibility of royalties should the book do well.

Yeah. But mostly for free. Yeah, mostly for free. Mostly for free. Shh. Yeah. We don't want to actually have to pay you up front. Someone will do well. Yeah. But mostly for free. Yeah, mostly for free. Mostly for free. Yeah. We don't want to actually have to pay you up front. Someone will do it. Not us, though.

Yeah, not us. I like it. I'll write once I've established myself as an author. That's when I'll write. Yeah. And by establish yourself, you mean the guy we get to ghostwrite. Yeah. Because, I mean, once that happens, you'd be like, I'm Night Shyamalan.

People still see your shitty movies, but now you're like, oh, yeah, come see my shitty movies. They're like, man, this is going to be shit, but maybe it won't be. Maybe. Maybe the twist is that this time it's not shit. Mm-hmm. Oh, my God. If I was M. Night Shyamalan, my twist to my new movie would be that there is no twist. That's what he did, though. He did that several times. Oh, did he? And movie would be that there is no twist. That's what he did, though.

He did that several times. Oh, did he? And people got mad because there was no twist. He was known as the guy with the twist, and then he had no twist, and people were like, well, that's stupid. Well, you only do that once. He did it several times. He's, no.

No, no, no. Well, he's dumb. He's dumb. The twist is that trees are killing you. Stupid. You're dumb. I think, this is what I think. We should go to Topic Opera 7 in the sky

with Crendor. Crendor, how's that traffic out there? Oh, God. I'm coughing up here. Oh, man, I think I've gone too high in the sky. I can't even see anything. Except for Jake Jansen and Wilson Chan. They're flying by me in their own planes.

And they're a lot cooler in the Trap, and, uh, they're a lot cooler than the Traptocopter, which is getting kind of, you know, rusted out, they're actually doing circles around me, it's kind of rude, but, you know, oh god, I shouldn't be flying this high, it's just making me cough harder, uh, speaking of that, I don't really know what else to say except it's like the I-45 is clearing up. So take that to work. Back to you. Thanks, Grendor. Now let's go to the weather desk.

Grendor, how's that weather out there? Let me tell you something about the weather. Uh-huh. I'm not there yet. Now I am. I figured. All right. Today, let's type it in to our new weather bot.

Boop-be-boop. Woppy the weather bot. How you doing, Woppy? Woppy the weather bot. Okay. I am Woppy. Thanks, Woppy. All right.

So we're going to give him the code. Let's type in 48731. Detected. Thanks, Woppy. So it looks like we're going to Elkton, Michigan. Elkton, Michigan. It's negative 10 right now. Jesus.

So don't go outside if you live in Elkton. Don't go outside. But for the next 10 days, 17 degrees, 26, 19, 37. They're going to come back. Oh, my goodness. Oh, man. The snow will melt. The snow will melt, Elkton.

Elkton. Elkton. Like elk. Elkton. Elkton? Yeah, like a ton of elk. You know they don't say Elkton. They say Elkton. Elkton. That's from the Midwest, son. They say Elkton? Yeah, like a ton of elk. You know they don't say Elkton, they say Elkton. Elkton.

That's from the Midwest, son. They say Elkton. Well, I mean, it's Michigan. Eh, it's still Midwest. Depends. If they're up in the UP. Then what are they? They're Canadian at that point? Then they're Yoopers. Whatever. They're Canadian. I know

people from Upper Peninsula, Michigan, they're just like, up there in the UP. It's like it's their own thing. They're right by Pigeon, Michigan. Is the Upper Peninsula away from, is that the end of the mitt, or is that the part that's not attached to the mitt? Well, the Upper Peninsula is like the end of the mitt. But this part of the mitt is like the thumb.

Oh, all right. Well, that's a little further south. Yeah. All right. All right. Yeah. It's pretty much Canada. You're pretty much in Canada at that point.

Well, everyone knows that Michigan people love football. So let's go to sports. What's going on? Sports. There's a lot of things going on in sports. Yeah, there is. Most of it football. Sorry, non-football fans. American football. So let's go to sports. What's going on? Sports. There's a lot of things going on. Yeah, there is. Most of it football. Sorry, non-football fans. American football. Yeah. So,

Packers fan. I watch Packers. They won. They'll be playing the Seahawks in the championship game to see who goes to the Super Bowl. They had a big controversy over whether or not Cowboys guy caught the ball or not and uh i mean technically he didn't catch it but it kind of looked like he caught it but i didn't care

because packers won uh and then tom brady beat the ravens and peyton manning and his like pool noodle arm and papa john's lost by the way yeah yeah you know what peyton manning and his pool noodle arm and Papa John's lost. By the way, yeah. Yeah. You know what Peyton Manning's like now? Rocky at the beginning of Rocky III. Mm-hmm. He is.

Watch Rocky III. Watch the first 25 minutes of Rocky III. He's the exact same way. He's gotten soft. Yep. He's gotten soft. All that damn car money and pizza money, he's a mess. Yep. He lost the eye of the tiger. That's the whole point. Oh, car money and pizza money, he's like, he's a mess. Yep.

He does. He lost the eye of the tiger. That's the whole point. Oh, my God. Peyton Manning's Rocky. He's Rocky. He lost his way. But now he's got to make Rocky IV.

No, no. He's got to come back before. He has to win Rocky III before he can make Rocky IV. Oh, yeah, he's got to win Rocky III. All right. But if we know anything, this time next year, Peyton will be in Russia taking on Putin in the Russia Bowl. The first ever American-Russian Super Bowl. He'll just be like, Papa John's.

I love me some Papa John's. And then he'll sing that little insurance commercial he keeps being on. What is it? National insurance or whatever. He's just like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah, nationwide. Yeah, nationwide. That's the one. He'll just be like, Papa, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm. Yeah, nationwide. Yeah, nationwide. That's the one.

He'll just be like, Papa John's is really good. See, then you combine it. Double promotion. I don't know what that has to do with the Russia Bowl. The Russia Bowl. We'll play in the Russia Bowl. We'll be like college. The Russia Bowl.

All right. Well, what's that? Wait. Well, I forgot. Oh, yeah. The big, the big, the big bowl game for the. I keep forgetting college has now a national final, which I think is silly. But whatever.

That's pretty dumb. But Ohio State beat Oregon. But guys, what? Yeah. So a lot of people thought Oregon would win. They didn't. Ohio State won. But the Buckeyes won because Ohio State is the best.

Yeah. End of story. End of story. End of story. Yep. That's sports. All right. What's going on? What is our big news story of the day?

You may have had some New Year's resolutions, right? You wanted to eat better. You wanted to lose some weight. You wanted to eat less McDonald's. You wanted to lose some weight. You wanted to, you know, eat less McDonald's. You wanted to exercise. You know, whatever you wanted to do. You might be straying off the path a bit next. We're a couple weeks into this.

But Michelle Promo. That's her name. Yeah. It's canon now. That's her name. You got to do the coughs with it. She's got a four drop a size secrets for you. Ooh, four

drop one size secrets. Drop a size. Yeah. Okay. So you can go from a 33 to a 32. Yeah. Actually probably a 32 to a 30. Whatever. I don't think they have that weird, like, they're not, there aren't odds, are there? In sizes? Um, I don't know. know i don't think maybe in women's sizes there are i don't know

but as a man like your waist is either going to be like a 32 or a 34 right yeah all right okay anyway let's so let's go she says no one really intends to overeat but whether we mean to or not it happens and the reasons why i'd be pretty sneaky. However, one thing is clear. Your post-holiday slim-down goals will elude you unless you figure out what causes you to consume way too many calories. I'm here to help. In my new book, 20 Pounds

Younger. Look at this. She's even writing books. Yeah, even she's writing books. Now I don't even know who the hell this woman is. Yeah. I track down the surprising food triggers that tempt you to overindulge below the top four. Yeah, let's figure out what these are. Number one, commercials for yummy looking food.

So, I don't watch TV or see commercials, so that doesn't affect me at all. Yet still, I overindulge. Well, a 2011 study in the Journal of Consumer Policy found that female emotional eaters tend to be highly influenced by ads for indulgent foods, so much that a single commercial is capable of sending them into a cycle of repetitive thoughts about the food. But I'm neither female nor a TV watcher nor emotional. Well, man, you already skipped one of her steps then. Don't be a female? I mean, you got that one down.

Maybe. All right. So clearly, don't be enticed by stuff. Gotcha. Don't be enticed by... If someone's like, hey, eat this pizza, don't be like, okay. Just be like, no. I'm not going to eat your pizza.

But what if you're really... if it's now i'm a big fat loser yeah i just eat whatever i want i'm gonna die i'm gonna by the way i found out you want to hear this some crazy stuff speaking of i need actually i should go on like a super diet no no joke super i was looking at my retirement stuff because i've been saving money for as long as i've been a working adult and if I keep saving at the rate I'm saving, do you know that if I live to be 65 I'll be making like $14,000 a month? What?

If I continue to save at the rate I'm saving. I put all my money away. Like most of the money I make I put in retirement. I just have to live long enough. That's amazing. That's a ton of money. I make I put into retirement I just have to live long enough that's amazing that's a ton of money I'll be living on easy street although that probably won't be worth that much in the future it's gonna be like all those

TV shows like the cop where you hit 65 oh then I'm dead I'm very aware I gotta make it to 65 I gotta I need to get right eat right I need to change my eat right i need to change my life i got because until then all this shit i'm doing ain't worth nothing yeah but that's

a lot of money that's a ton of money yeah he's gotta get there that's like i gotta get there i gotta that is like next level life changing a month that's super good i saw this drug commercial right and it was like is it gonna help me live to be 65 Maybe but I don't think so cuz it was all like hey are you suffering from a shitty cough? Well take by a lodge It's gonna lodge Or D lodge that off from your lungs and then after that What is that so it shows this lady she's like walking in the park all happy and stuff right they always show people are just

like overly happy doing random shit like playing golf or like croquet or like walking through a forest or like playing with their kids just stupid stupid things, right? Yeah. All of a sudden, they start listing off all the stuff while she's doing those things like, warning, biolodge may cause stroke, may cause cancer, may cause cough, may cause this. And I'm just like, wait, it may cause a cough, but I thought it's getting rid of your cough. And then you're also getting like cancer. See, here's the thing. Coughing happens because it's getting all the bad crap out of your lungs. Yeah.

Like, that's your body expelling, like, coughing is good. Coughing too much can hurt you. It can hurt your esophagus. Oh, yeah. But coughing, like, saves you. Yeah. It keeps you, like, that's what keeps, it gets the crap out of you. That's your body rejecting it. So stopping the cough is stupid. That's what keeps, it gets the crap out of you. That's your body. That's like.

Rejecting it. So stopping the cough is stupid. That's like when people take Pepto-Bismol to like stop with the diarrheas. But, then you're keeping it all inside you

and your body's like, oh shit, I got a bunch of shit in me. Yep. And you're not getting it. You know what I need? You know what I need? I need like super poop

or something like that. Yeah. Just get it all out. I'm going to let everyone know. I need it all know what I need? I need like super poop or something like that. Yeah. I'm going to let everyone know. I need it all out. I want it out. My dad said when he was in the Navy, he met this old Chinese man, and he was like, when you have the flu, you get the poisons out. And that's how he said, you're like throwing it up, and you're shitting it out. I mean, who am I to question an old Chinese man?

Exactly. Exactly. True words. True words are never spoken. All right, we need to get back to this story. What's number three? No, we're on number two. There's food left on your plate.

If you're a lifetime member of the Clean Plate Club, you probably over... Oh, God. Getting stuff out. Your bodies... Overwhelmed your bodies. I'm full signals. A long time ago by consistently scraping up every crumb because, as your dad told you, children are starving in Africa.

Yeah, don't blame us. Blame our parents. Yeah. You no longer do other things that mom and dad demanded, so why do this one? Break the cycle and get into the habit of leaving something on your plate. Oh, I'm good at doing that. Here's my thing. The problem is, like, if you cook or you make, like, that's wasted money, though.

Let's eat it for leftovers. Yeah, but then I know you. You don't eat leftovers. That's true, which is why I just leave it on my plate. You know what? All I'm going to say is, so far, I've noticed that I'm a giant fat ass according to this. Keep going. I always just eat until I'm content.

And I'm like, if I eat more, I'm going to feel sick. So I don't eat more. People are like, why don't you finish your plate? I'm like, because I don't want to feel sick. You know what I'm saying? No. You know what I'm saying? I don't.

Number three. What's three? You drive by a favorite restaurant. Leslie Lutz. PhD. An associate professor of psychology at East Carolina University recalls a woman in one of her weight loss studies who vowed to eat a healthy breakfast at home, yet couldn't seem to

break her morning date with Krispy Kreme. One morning, she was driving to work, and all of a sudden, the hot donut sign for Krispy Kreme came on. Even though the woman had already eaten a healthy breakfast, the car practically pulled itself into a drive-thru. The hot donut sign was such a strong external cue. It was

overriding her already having had breakfast. Dude, that sounds crazy. That's like me with Starbucks, man. Yep. Starbucks, every morning, I'm at starbucks and i get a vanilla grande vanilla latte that thing i don't even know how many i don't want to know how many calories i think it's like 400 damn calories in that damn thing maybe 200 i don't it doesn't matter it doesn't matter i still get one every day i need to stop i need to stop doing

that i can't not stop because i'm like i gotta have to have it. I got to have it in me. I mean, I need coffee. But like sometimes I'm like, you know what? I'll make my coffee at home. I save money that way. I know. I should do that. But I don't do that. You should.

Oh, God. I'm not going to live to 65. That's not good for you. You're not Leslie Lutz. No. Oh, yeah. It's like when you. Well, she keeps driving by Krispy Kreme.

Stop doing that. Take a different way. Loop around it. There's your advice. There's my advice. There's your advice, dummy. It's like if you're hungry, are you going to look at, like, pictures of food? No, because you can't eat it yet.

Look at pictures of food when you've got food in front of you. What? Like, if you're. You know what I do? I love to look at food when I'm eating food. Well, it's like, if you're starving or something, you're not gonna look at pictures of food. That's like how they say, don't go to the grocery store when you're hungry.

You know? Cause then you're gonna buy everything. Man's got a point. Yeah. Man's got a point. I heard that somewhere. I don't remember where. Alright, what's our last tip? What's our last big tip? Your must-watch TV show. Not to vilify TV

again, but a Harvard study examining more than 50,000 women's lifestyle habits found that obesity rates increased by 23% for every two hours of watching TV and incidences of type 2 diabetes shot up 14%. It wasn't all due to the sedentary nature of their lifestyles either.

Increased mindless munching while watching added to calorie boosts. So, good news internet, that doesn't affect you because it's on TV. Yeah, but you're fine. If you want to watch YouTube. Watch and snack away, that's what I say. Yeah.

It's a lot better than TV. Because then I get to get's what I say. Yeah. It's a lot better than TV because then I get to get views. I agree. Also, buy our book. Also, which is coming out soon. Buy our snacks. Cox and Crenn chips.

Cox and Crenn chips. Yum. You know what the best kind of chip is what friendship I knew you were going to say that

alright everybody that's it for this episode thank you for listening we'll be back shortly with another one and as always to be continued.