Cox n' Crendor Show - Episode 93 - Jesse Wants To Bang Robyn Lawley

Episode Date: February 10, 2015

In this episode, the boys get real! They discover Crendor is a women's size 12, Jesse says F U to death, and praise is given to the national treasure that is Left Shark.

Hello everybody, it's time for Cox and Crendor in the morning. In the morning. Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live. In 4 hour and 40 minutes. Recording. Wake your ass up, it's Cox and Crendor in the morning. Cox and Crendor in the morning. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Cox and Grendor in the morning.

It might be the morning. It might be the afternoon. It might be too soon for the evening. Did you become a hill person? It might be the morning. It might be the afternoon. It might be whatever time it is. What the hell are you talking about?

I don't know. You have lost your mind, sir. I'm eating these Skittles. Lost it. You're eating Skittles? Yeah. You like that one commercial in the Super Bowl where the guy's like, I like the yellow Skittles.

He's like, I like the yellow. And they arm wrestle. Oh, yeah. I wouldn't do that. I mean, it was also a dumb commercial, so. I'd just go buy a bag of Skittles like I did. Yeah, don't they have Skittles in that town? Yeah, seriously. They waiting for the old Skittles truck to drive through.

Whatever drops off the back, that's what they get. I also have the dark side of the rainbow Skittles. They got pomegranate, dark berry, forbidden fruit, midnight lime, and blood orange. Whatever drops off the back, that's what they get. I also have the dark side of the rainbow Skittles. They got pomegranate, dark berry, forbidden fruit, midnight lime, and blood orange. That sounds awesome. What? I know. Where's that from? I don't know.

I think I got it at Halloween. Jesus. Wow. All right. Wow. They're really good. They're a lot better than normal Skittles. I was sent some food from Hawaii, and one of them are, it's like Hawaiian Sour Patch Kids or something.

Oh, my God. I don't even know what the flavors are, but they're so good. At first, I was worried because they look like they might be, like, laced with drugs. But I ate them anyway, and they were good. Don't judge me They were delicious Maybe it's because they were laced with drugs Yeah, maybe Or maybe not, don't do drugs kids

Yeah I mean, don't do drugs, but If they make food taste good You should probably do them Yeah, it's only logical Only logical So, the past week, a lot of crazy shit has happened I use that word

Because sharks Are making a comeback Because they dance now not even a fan The Superbowl by the way I don't even know what was going on with that That was the stupidest Superbowl Stupid plays stupid The first half nothing happened

The second half everything happened happened, but it was bad stuff. They tried to depress the shit out of us with, like, ads like I would have liked to go to the Super Bowl, but I died. I know. I was like, what the shit? It was the worst. So then Katy Perry came out, and honestly,

Katy Perry better than the rest of the Super Bowl. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it right now. Missy Elliott came out and was like, brought it back, the rest of the Super Bowl. I'm going to say it. No, no, no. I'm going to say it right now. Missy Elliott. Came out and was like. She brought it back, flipped it, and reversed it. I know. Look, I can dig Missy Elliott.

And people were being like, who is this new rap artist? I was just like, no, man. My heart broke. My heart broke. Yeah, no, it was like a classy affair that Missy showed up and was like, yeah. This is my gangsta shit. Yeah. Yeah, no, it was like a classy affair that Missy showed up and was like, yeah, now this is my gangster shit. Yeah. Yeah. Brought me back to 2002.

Probably shouldn't play this episode around your kids because we've said shit five times now. You know what? They'll hear it sometime. Little Ricky at school is probably saying it already. That's true. That's true. Their teachers are probably saying it to them. And that other kid would have said it, but now he's dead. Yep, now he's dead. Their teachers are probably saying it to them. And that other kid would have said it, but now he's dead.

Yep, now he's dead. So then sharks came out and beach balls and palm trees with weird faces. Katy Perry rode Voltron at one point. Mm-hmm. Then she blasted off on the More You Know star, and that was pretty much it. Yeah. The sharks were the best, though. Oh, obviously. Left shark is a national hero now.

He's a national treasure. I wonder how right shark feels. Well, right shark, here's hero now. He's a national treasure. I wonder how Right Shark feels. Well, Right Shark, here's the thing. Right Shark, it proves our point. It proves our point, Grendel. We've said it for years. This is the foundation of this podcast in 1984. Yeah, back in the day.

Back in the day. Don't try. Exactly. The more you try, the harder you fail. Exactly. That shark on the right, he tried so hard. He practiced all of his moves. He was great.

Left shark didn't know what the hell he was doing. National treasure. Yep. Left shark is the true hero. He's just like, he's feeling the beat. He's just like. It's true. Left shark was doing the dance moves you never remember you gotta feel it you gotta feel it they're just fresh out of water they don't know what's going on you never

remember the the person doing their job correctly because they're just doing it correctly they're boring person not doing it correctly being weird you're like whoa look at that guy yeah we should fire him but man is he interesting. And then everyone's like, you know what? Let's not fire him because everybody likes him. Yeah. You always have to have one weirdo at the workplace. Mm-hmm.

And that's Left Shark. You're a Left Shark now. A shark we can believe in. Yep. Also, this week we learned that Florida Man is taking off. Now there's going to be a show on TV, Florida Man. There's going to be a show on TV called Florida Man. There's going to be a show on TV called Florida Man? Which is about, like, why is Florida so weird? Basically, everyone's stealing our bits.

We have become so world famous, everyone's stealing our bits. But we don't care. We give it the Cox and Crandor bump. We give it the bump. But you know what? Now they're trying too hard. Yeah, now they're trying too hard. We came up with it because it was easy to do. We just looked it up on the internet. Yeah. Boom. Done. Yep. That was easy. You know what? Now they're trying too hard. Yeah, now they're trying too hard. We came up with it because it was easy to do.

We just looked it up on the internet. Yeah. Boom, done. Yep, you know what? They're doing a whole show. That's millions of dollars. Yeah, millions of our dollars. Wait, what?

No. I mean, it should be our dollars. Are you saying there should be a tax-funded TV show called Florida Man? That looks into why Florida's so crazy. I agree. I agree. Yeah, I agree too. I couldn't agree more. Also, speaking of the Cox and Crennor bump,

old Italian guy on TV. Oh yeah, that's right. He was on Rachel Ray and a bunch of other stuff. Old Italian guy. Who knew? Yeah. All because he made the goat head. All because he made the goat head. He made the goat head. All because he made the goat head. He made the goat head, which made us appreciate the goat head. We made an animated video.

Boom. I don't know if there's any other step in between. I'm not sure what he does in his channel. I don't really watch. But he's famous. We gave him the bump. We gave him the bump. Really, our channel's all about helping others.

Yeah. This podcast is helping others. This show is a launching platform for the careers of many people so many people if you want to come on this show people like missy elliott oh man if missy elliott came on the show i'd ask her what the hell that the lyrics are when it's like it's your flipping thein' Yeah, exactly. What? Yep, yep. What I've always heard is that it's

put your thing down, flip it, and reverse it. That lyric, but reverse. Oh, because you can reverse it. I get it, but it's also crazy. Only Mr. Elliot can get away with that. Only Mr. Meaner Elliot can get away with that. That's why I like it. Only Missy Mr. Meaner Elliott could get away with that. Mm-hmm.

For the kids out there. She had Ludacris in one of her songs, too. That was her thing. He was a pimp. They called her Mr. Meaner. Missy Mr. Meaner. Look, that's my girl. She's like 46 years old now.

That's my girl. Well, that's my older woman. I love her. I love her. Also this week, we learned Subway chicken. Subway chicken. If you've seen the commercials, they're like, a brand new chicken. It's like it's 100% more fresh and new and ready.

What the hell was the chicken before? That's a good point. Why does no one ask that? Why does no one ask that question? What were they serving us before? If you got chicken at a Subway, what the hell was that? That's like when you go to McDonald's and like our all new 100% fresh beef patty. What the hell serving us before? If you got chicken at a Subway, what the hell was that? That's like when you go to McDonald's and like our all new 100% fresh beef patty. What the hell was it before?

Maybe it's like 98%. That's still not good enough. That's creepy. That's creepy as shit. They just kind of slip in some extra stuff in there, you know? That's what I'm saying. It's a little weird. Like their bread at Subway.

Like what wasn't real bread? Oh yeah, they're like, we're just throwing in some yoga mat flavor to really keep it together, you know. Doesn't make any sense at all. So that's some of the big news this week. Big important news. Oh, yeah. And then the McDonald's thing where it's like you pay with love. Ah, that's weird.

Yeah, that is weird. Here's what I learned. And I'm curious if this is the result of it or the reason for it. Apparently, McDonald's average earned revenue and stock and all that stuff is just steadily declining. Less and less people are going to McDonald's. I heard that, too. And I wonder if this is their please come back, we'll give you free food campaign, or this happened before they started losing money. And then people were like, wait, what?

No. Why would I? No. I'm not going to dance for my food. Take my damn money. That's what I'd be like. They're like, you can pay with love. I'd be like, no, I just want to pay with my money.

Yeah, I'd rather just give you some money. I feel really uncomfortable right now. Because you know there's going to be someone like, why don't you call your mother and say you love her? My mom's dead. Yeah. Right? You know that's going to, like, why don't you,

like, you know, that child that's with you, why don't you hug your child? Like, oh, I kidnapped this kid. Yeah. Like, there's got to be something creepy that, like, they don't show you. They show you the heartwarming ones. Yeah.

They don't show you the ones like why don't you kiss your girlfriend that's my sister but I'll kiss her anyway yes just show the love yeah it's like that's all I'm saying I saw this one this guy kept being like no I'm not gonna pay

with love and they were like come not going to pay with love. And they're like, come on, man, just pay with love. He's like, no, I just want to pay with my money. And then she's just like, even a fist bump? Like, how about a fist bump? And he's like, I guess. And he gave her a fist bump. And he still paid with money.

So, I mean, I think it's stupid. It's a little weird. It's stupid. That's what I say. I say, McDonald's, here's what you got to do for your new campaign. Make stuff called, like, the Big Mac, but change it to, like, the Mac Big. And then, when people go there and they're like, can I get a Big Mac? Say, no, you can get a Mac Big, though.

And then, cut the price in half. I mean, you do have a valid point. Like, I don't know. I don't understand the campaign. It doesn't make sense, but that's just me. That's just me. Yeah. So that's my strategy. Flip your names around and when people go up and say

what they want and it's a flipped around name, you give them a half off because that means they're like, they're locals, you know them a half off because that means they're like, they're locals. You know? Um, sure? So if someone comes up and says they want a Mac Big, it doesn't even have to be that. Maybe it could be like a Mac Big? When someone

shows up and says they want a Mac Big. Yeah, that's what I said. Because you flip the name instead of a Big Mac, it's a Mac Big. You get half off. You're just all up on Missy. No, a Mac Big. Yeah, reverse it. Missy,y. No, Mac big. Yeah, reverse it. Missy, you know what? Shut up.

Yeah, flip it down and reverse it. Flip it something, something and reverse it. Then you got the Loyals coming in. They get discounts every time because they know the secret half off menu. That's like an In-N-Out burger, but except it's not In-N-Out. Like you don't get anything discount, but there's stuff on the menu that isn't on the menu. Exactly. All the restaurants have a secret menu. It's like do something with it. I don't mean now discount, but there's stuff on the menu that isn't on the menu. Exactly. All the restaurants have a secret menu.

It's like, do something with it. I don't mean, now I'm confused. What? That's what I'm saying. No, what? Okay. All the restaurants have a secret menu. Yes, I know that.

So, make your own secret menu, and it's for the locals, like the loyal people that go there all the time. That's the whole point of the secret menu to begin with. Are you saying make a second secret menu? Yeah, and give them half off. Then they'll come back all the time. Oh, you might have a point. It's stupid but you have a point. Yeah, that's all I want. It's stupid.

Speaking of stupid stuff, so today, while doing our weird search of Yahoo. Yes. And we learned that Yahoo looks weird now. But, you know, they're geniuses over there. They'll figure it out eventually. They'll figure it out.

I saw a thing called Robin Lolly is the real first plus size model in Sports Illustrated. In quotations. This is posted by Entertainment Tonight, it looks like. Uh-huh. And this woman's beautiful. Like, gorgeous. Gorgeous. Here's the thing, though.

Like, plus size is considered a U.S. size 12? Like, what? I don't. What is a size 12? Like, to me, that seems like nothing. Yeah, that's a. Okay. U.S. size 12. Right? Like, she's gorgeous. Like, she me, that seems like nothing. Yeah, that's a, okay. You asked size 12.

Right? Like, she's gorgeous. Like, she is legitimately beautiful. And they're like, she's a plus model. Whoa. Whoa. What? Size 12.

Is how, how, what's the waist on, like, what's a size 12 waist? Look, as women, we don't know this stuff. Or wait, as men. Shut up. You know what I meant. Yeah. Uh, yeah, I don't know. Like, what are the numbers?

Like, what's... Size 12 doesn't look like it's, like, a plus-size model. She just looks like she's a bigger woman. Size... No, she looks gorgeous. Size 12... Link me the article. Heather Wells wrote an article called Size 12 is Not Fat.

Yeah, it's definitely not fat. I'm looking at an article that says it is! I don't know. Like, the assumption is that, like, she's gonna wear clothes that, like, a fuller-figured woman would wear, right? No! She's not a size 12. Here's the thing. It's all twisted perceptions, man.

It's because people keep trying to make every woman think they're super fat for, like, no reason. Google size 12. Google U.S. size 12. U.S. size 12. And then you'll see. U.S. size 12. I'm letting you know. I'm letting you know. It's one of those things where it's like magazines are trying to make every woman think they're

super fat when they're not. Size 12. Looking at these women who are size 12 are gorgeous. Gorgeous. They just want them to buy their diet magazines and books. Oh, no shit. This woman is beautiful. This woman got to ass though.

Oh, yeah. Ass. What are they even talking about? Shut up. It's like they look like they're normal people. Oh, no. Fox News has seven celebrities with normal bodies. Let's see this. Here's the thing.

Seven celebrities with normal bodies. The picture they show at the top is Angelina Jolie Shut up Like Kelly Clarkson Kate Winslet Christina Hendricks, yeah I don't know if I'd include Kate Upton on that list Yeah Not, you know

I like how they're like, along with curvy pioneers Like Tyra Banks, shut up Who helped redefine beauty I like how they're trying to make with curvy pioneers like Tyra Banks, shut up. Who helped redefine beauty. I like how they're trying to make it like, oh, Kate Upton, she's a fat model. No, shut up. Shut up, magazines and things. You guys are disgusting. I remember a long time ago I read a blog post that was like, Kate Upton's disgusting.

Look at her fat arms. Like, what? What? And the worst part was, the worst part was the blog post was by another woman oh of course like like that's just like it's mind-boggling she's doing the whole like bring other people down below her level so she can feel good i don't understand it i just don't i don't get it i always felt weird because i'm always like the skinniest person around so like i feel weird talking about weight stuff because I'm like, well, I'm just, I eat whatever and I'm skinny.

Well, here's the thing. You're going to die of a heart attack. Oh, yeah. I mean. Your little tiny baby heart will give out one day and you'll die. But until then, you will look fabulous. That's all I want. I just want to look fabulous and eat what I want.

I'm doing it. Living the dream. Yeah, no. I mean, I'm blown. Like, I never. all i want i just want to look fabulous and eat what i want i'm doing it living the dream yeah no what i mean i'm i'm blown like i never i think guys get off a lot easier yeah like guys can be overweight and it's like yeah no he's the funny comedian guy on tv who marries the cute broad right that's a stereotype women that is funny guys like the like bigger like guys and they're like they'll lose weight they're like oh they're, like, they'll lose weight. They're, like, oh, they're not as funny anymore.

Like, they actually want them to be, like, bigger. Yeah, no, that's absolutely true. It's really weird. And then, like, for women, it's the exact opposite. Like, I, like, look, I will always say that being a woman, not an easy job. Nope. Nope. I salute you ladies listening.

You have a, life is a pain in the ass. Mm. Nope. I salute you ladies listening. You have a... Life is a pain in the ass. But I will say size 12 gorgeous. This one woman shut up. She's like she's size 14. She could use a little weight. She's beautiful. Shut up. Shut your face. You guys are gross. Internet

you're gross. Yeah. What is the... I need to look this up. Size 12 in inches. Women's sizing chart. There we go. Size 6 is 23 inches. Size 12 is 29 inches.

29 inches? Like, if you got them hips, girl, that's great. What you talking about? 29 inches. I don't even understand all the sizing stuff. It's like math. What size are you? In your pants, you'll reason. I think I'm like a 30, 32.

30 in inches, male. I like how the first thing that pops up is size 30 normal for men? Fuck you. A 30 is, oh, shut up. A 30 is a Oh, shut up. What? A 30 is a 30.

Oh. So for men, it's exactly what the number is. Shut up. Really? Wow, I didn't know that. And then if I go to the women's chart, hold on. So here's the thing, Crandor. You are a size 13.

Okay. Whoa, in women? In women's sizes. So basically, you are fat as shit. Oh my god. Did you know that, fatty? Did you know that? You're lady fat. Wow. You're lady fat, skinny boy. You're so lady fat. I'm so lady

fat. How weird is that? That is, like, you being, like, just a minute ago being like, man, I'm a skinny, I'm always the skinniest guy I know. Technically, you're a lady fat. Yeah. Wow. That's messed up.

That's twisted and messed up. That is messed up. That's some crazy shizzle. That's messed up. We're breaking through. We're breaking through the barriers on this episode. Breaking through. I'm going to eat some pomegranate skills.

Great. Great. All right. So I think since we just decided that the world of fashion is the most sexist, crazy thing I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. I think we should move on to other crazy things. Okay. Let's go.

Chop the cup. Step on the scabbard. Grand door. Grand door. How's that traffic out there? Woo! That's crazy. That's not that that crazy i'm just looking down right now how's it going uh it appears like it's a busy day of the week i think it's a friday i think i don't know i get my days mixed up sometimes but uh riz happily we're it's like they're on their way to school or work i don't know they're driving a school bus but i don't know if they're driving the school bus as their job or if they just decided

to you know take the school bus i don't know what they're doing but it looks like alexander gonzalez is in the back of the school bus either he's being kidnapped or he's on his way to school too. I'm sure we'll find out later on on the local news which of those it's going to be. Back to you. Thanks, Crandor. Now let's go to Crandor at the weather desk. How's the weather out there? Weather is insane.

Hi, weather bot, or whatever you're called. No, that's just me. Woppy isn't on yet. Hold on, Woppy.'t on yet. Hold on. Woppy, what's the weather in 9, 4, 6, 2, 1? Woppy, Oakland, California, 58 degrees, wind southeast 14 miles per hour. Humidity 72%. I just want to point out. He had a glitch.

This might be the best bit you've ever done. You being a robot? Flawless. That's not me, that's Woppy. Oh, I'm sorry, my bad. We should just get rid of you then. The Cox and Woppy Show is what this should be called. Tonight, 55 degrees, showers, and win 40% chance. Thanks, Woppy show is what this should be called. Tonight, 55 degrees showers and win 40% chance.

Thanks, Woppy. All right, and sports. Sports. What do we got kicking up in the sports land? I don't know. I mean, we talked about the Super Bowl and how jank that was. Oh, yeah. Oh, the Seahawks loss is great.

So what else? What else is there? I really just wanted both of them to lose, but I was happy with the Seahawks losing. Oh, no. Agreed. If Katy Perry's star could have fallen on both teams and just hurt them all, that would have been great. Yeah.

It was mainly just rewarding for me because the Seahawks beat the Packers with like two minutes left. And now the Seahawks lost with like two minutes left. It was just great watching it. And it was their own. It was like their own fault, too. Yeah. It was great watching it. And it was their own. The karma come around. It was like their own fault too. Yeah. It is so great. I love the conspiracy theory that was out there that basically

they just were trying to prevent Wes's face from getting the ball. My brain just died. Arshon Lynch. Yeah, they just didn't want him to get the ball. That's a conspiracy theory. They didn't want him to be the MVP. It's true. I don't know. So that's why they tried to throw it in. That's the conspiracy theory.

There's literally any normal football-minded, even non-football-minded person who gives the ball to him. Yes. It was dumb. He averages. Here's some statistics for you. The man averages four yards a carry, and you would have gotten to give it to him three times. He's going to get in from the one-yard line. It's just stupid.

Yeah. I mean, you're at like you're what is it you're maybe three five yards out maybe yeah and the man's called beast mode yeah so you're five yards out you have three downs to go the end of the game literally that is the dumbest thing you can do. Give people a survey and say, like, do you hand it off to, quote, beast mode, or do you throw it to, like, Jermaine Greshko? They threw it to Jermaine Greshko. Why would you throw it in such, like, and it was so close quarters, and such a quick toss. I know.

I think in their mind they thought, like, if I can get it off real quick, it'll be good. No, you big dummies. So, whatever. Whatever. They lost. I got to watch all the reaction videos of people being like, what happened? They're all sad.

Oh, my God. It's just like watching the Red Wedding. It is. I have reaction videos. It's so great. If you put those two together, it'd be the same thing. Like, oh, Crendor, we should do a thing called red wedding or uh seahawks pass video it's just people going like ah like freaking out oh my god there's this one it's like this big group of

seahawks people led by this like bald dude and he was like seahawks he was like freaking out he was like we got the ball at the one beast mode time give it to marty they were like all like chanting like beast mode beast mode and they're like and it's intercepted and they just like nobody said anything for like two minutes they just like stood around just like what happened i wanna great my my next job is to take i figured out how we're going to do this video. Uh-huh. Take the clips of the Seattle fans, overlay it, like, put those clips there, and then overlay the sound from the Red Wedding in Game of Thrones. And just make it fit. That would be the best video.

You know what? That's my gift to you. We don't do work on this show. We gift things to the internet. Yeah. If one of you wants to do that, go for it. I agree. That's 12 million views.

Enjoy. That's 12 million views. Not 12,000. Not 12 billion. Not 12 trillion. 12 million. 12 billion's too much. There's not even that many people on the planet.

Yeah. That's our gift. To you. All right. Well, that's sports. Sports. And what is our big news story of the day? Big news story of the day.

Hold on. Get out of here, 30 inches thing. What? I'm sorry, what? I had a tab open. It was like 30 inches. 30 inches of what now? My waist.

Oh, oh, I thought it was something entirely different. I was like, Crandor. No. What are you going for? All right. All right, Fatty. All right, Fatrandor? No. What are you going for? All right. All right, Fatty. All right, Fatty, calm down. An ice church in Romania.

A chilly spot to warm the soul. Uh-huh. High on a remote mountain in Romania. I was going to say ore, but I guess that's the story we're going with. All right. Priests have blessed a church made entirely from ice. Alright. Priests have blessed a church made entirely from ice.

Outstanding for its architectural style as well as being a place for religious tolerance. Builders have once again created the Ice Church, which is only reachable by cable car at an altitude of 2,000 meters. Water from Balea Lake... What do you mean, once again? Did it melt? I don't know. Once again, they've created it. You mean it existed before?

A church made of ice? We've reconstructed the ice church. Yeah, I mean, all you have to do is collect the water and wait until it gets cold again. That's a lot of work for a church, though. It's six meters. It took centuries to make those other big ones, so I guess an ice church is fine. Yeah. They say it's six meters tall, 14 meters long, and seven meters wide.

Wait, what? That's a tiny-ass church. It is, but it's a copy of an old church in Transylvania. Dracula's church? Yeah. Dracula's ice church. Dracula's ice church? That'd be a movie i'd watch i'd watch that in a heartbeat the church of dracula ice church the church of the dead time has frozen me inside

of this church but now i am free that's why they have to reconstruct the church to put him back in it. Oh, man. We just came up with a great movie. Oh, my God. Global warming melted the first ice church which held Dracula, and so he escaped. And now Draco Belmont, great, great, great, great, great, great grandson of the Belmont clan, has to hunt Dracula down and put him back in the ice church.

Oh, God. What? I clicked a thing and it got really loud. Oh, all right. I was a little worried. I thought that idea scared you. Like, oh, God. I'm so old.

It's so good. He sounded like in Die Hard when he finally catches Hans. And he does his American accent. He's like, oh, God. You're one of them. Oh, God. Thank you. So, yeah, Ice Church.

Yeah, that's Ice Church. You have to catch him. Oh, God. Oh, God. You have to catch him. Oh, God. Oh, God. You're one of them. The other story I was going to do was Maggie Lou wants to be first woman to give birth on Mars. How would that work? I assume she'd have to get pregnant either on the way or there.

Yeah, I think so. So what's her story? What's her story? Yeah, I think so. So what's her story? What's her story? Maggie Lou, 24, is an astrophysics PhD candidate at Birmingham University. She's also one of 600 people being considered for the Mars One Project, which helps to set up... Man, I so want to go on that.

I wish they considered me. I know. I don't, but... I'd go to Mars in a heartbeat. Oh, I wouldn't. By 2025 is when they want to set up a permanent colony. That's not that far away. Nope.

Lou will find out next month if she will join 39 other people who actually train for the one-way trip to the red planet. If Lou makes it to Mars, she plans to get busy colonizing. To start a colony, we would have to have children on Mars. Eventually it would happen. It would be challenging. Nobody has done any research on giving birth in a low gravity environment. I think it would be a funny thing

because the first child born on Mars would be the first Martian. She's right. Here's the thing. She's right. She's going to have an alien baby. It will look like us but it won't be us, Crandor. It won't be an Earth child. It will be a Martian child.

People are just going to pick on it. Once that happens, we have to nuke that planet. You're a Martian. We have to nuke that planet, keep them from breeding. New movie idea. Go on. So these people go to Mars, and they start to colonize it, but then they become so unlike us, and we start a war with them.

And they're the Martians, but you're ready for the twist? And they're the Martians, but they were humans. Are you ready for the twist? What? The entire time the movie takes place on Mars, right? Like, it takes place on Mars, so they're like, the other planets attack us, the other planets attack us, but they never say it's Mars. And that's when you realize it's Earth. And the Martians are coming to Earth.

What? And they call Earthlings aliens because they're from Mars. Wait, what? Then I'm confused. Look, my throat hurts too much to laugh at your stupidity. Are you still sick with your throat? I'm not. I lost my throat.

I lost my throat. I lost my throat. In the Great War. I lost my voice because I, like, have been recording a bunch of stuff lately. And, like, every day by the end of the day, I'm just so, my throat is done. Just done. Oh. So I just need to, like, not, I need to take a day off.

But I can't take a day off because I took days off when I was sick. Yeah, that's true. So I just need to, like, not, I need to take a day off, but I can't take a day off because I took days off when I was sick. Yeah, that's true. So I gotta get back in it. Gotta get back in it. What can I say, man? I'm leading a rough life. I'm leading a rough life.

I gotta make this stuff happen for you, the listener. Yeah, it's the grind. It's the grind. YouTube grind. Unless you become Martians, in which case we will nuke your ass. Yeah, we'll nuke you. That's what I'm saying.

It'll be like, we send the people to Mars, right? And they get all colonized. Then they start going crazy. They build up their own thing. And then we have like a nuke war. With Mars? A nuke war?

We will be long dead before Mars gets its own thing. They set up their own thing. I just want to be one of those hundred year old people Like on that commercial What I want to be is like on the third ship to Mars Right Ship one goes And they land and they do their thing on Mars

Ship two goes And they land and they you know See if the first people are okay And if they're not they'll get killed by aliens Like the first crew But group three, they get to go and everything's super cool. I'd be group three.

It's kind of like how on Earth we're like one of the most advanced humans that have lived. I mean, all the other ones, you got like the Stone Age ones, they're dumb. Then you got like the medieval ones. I don't want to live in the medieval age. People just die of colds and diseases and people are just like oh what happened to bob he was assassinated last night

by the english empire like oh man uh-huh uh-huh but now historically we got we got like laws and stuff and we got technology and you just go anywhere we want like the like even 100 years ago people were like oh boy we had to travel from new york to california and it took eight years and we died and it's like well now i just fly there yeah it's not accurate i'm just saying that's that's like the equivalent of Mars travel. I would agree. I would agree. All I have to do is live long enough to be on the third ship out.

Yeah. Is that how you'll end your life or begin your life? Oh, yeah. No. Look, I want my ashes. When I die, I want to be cremated and have my ashes shot into space. Yeah. Actually, don't cremate me.

Shoot my body into space and maybe aliens will find it and regurgitate me. Yeah. Regurgitate? You know, they'll regurgitate me. You mean revive? Whatever. An alien tongue is regurgitate. Oh.

What do people do on Mars? Like, what jobs would there be? Oh, there'd be jobs of trying to keep themselves alive. You know, like you said, it'd be like the Stone Ages again. You'd have little tiny huts, and then every time you went outside, you'd have to wear masks and crap. It'd be a pain in the ass. Oh, whoa. You got to do that?

Yeah, man. The only way we can live on Mars is terraforming. I actually had a really cool conversation with a guy who his whole job is studying Mars, like studying the tectonics of Mars and everything about Mars. And right now in the scientific community, there's a huge debate about what to do with Mars because many people are like, it's a planet. It's part of like our solar system's history. To change it would be wrong. And the other half is like, why are we not terraforming Mars?

Like, make it Earth 2. It would take time, but we could do it. Why aren't we doing that? And other people are like, no. It's the same thing with building on a national park, for example. So there are two sides, and no one knows what they're going to do with it right now.

But right now, it's just for exploration. People are going just to study it. That's so cool. But one day, I'm going to have a casino on Mars. Robot Jesse's casino. They'll be like, Welcome to the casino. I am Robot Jesse, your host. That way you can live on forever and they can take parts

of your brain and put it in the robot. Yep, that's the plan. My brain in a robot. That's the plan. Whoa. What if? That's what all this YouTube money's for. I'm going to save it and become a robot. Just think about that. I always had that thought, like, what if you died?

There's just nothing. But it would be like you just fell asleep, right? And you'd wake up and be like, oh, what if you died? And then someone, like, kept your brain and brought it back to life. And then you just woke up and was like, what? Like, nothing changed. Here's the thing. You would never know.

You're dead. Like, that's my favorite philosophical thing. Like, everyone's afraid of death, but not actually being dead. Like, no one knows. So when you die, you won't freaking know. Yeah. Like, if there's an afterlife, then you'll be great. What the hell do you care? And if there's an afterlife then you'll be great what the hell do you care and if there's nothing you're dead so what the hell do you care right yeah but

but you have the idea of like man i'll miss so much and all these cool things would happen then i wonder what oh man all my friends like that kind of crap yeah it's just you never you never see old people that way old people like are like, just kill me already. Because it's like you were before you existed. Right? Like, you know, what the hell do you care? You're dead at that point. It's not even like you're getting pain or you're bored or something.

You're just like, blah. Yeah, that's it. So what the hell do you care? At that point, what the hell do you care? Yeah. That's why I prescribed the Jesse Cox. And then you'll wake up in 50,000 years a robot. Yeah. And you're just like, finally, it is my time again.

And then I destroy the race that resurrected me. Agreed. I like the way this story goes. Then we'll start a podcast. Greetings, subjects. It is I, Coxdor and Krenbot. And Woppy. And Woppy.

We created you, Woppy. Thank you. Oh, man. I'm excited now. Yep. I like how our names became one. I assume Coxdor and Krenbot are basically two brains on one robot. Yeah.

That's the only way that you get robots to work in the future. Two brains. Oh, man. That's going to be in my will and be like, take my brain. Put it in a robot. Doesn't matter if it doesn't work. Just got to try. Put it in a robot.

That's my will too. Put it in a robot. That's my will too. We're geniuses. We are. Anyway guys, that's it. Thank you for listening. We'll be back soon with another episode and as always to be continued.