Cox n' Crendor Show - Episode 94 - An Eventful Starbucks

Episode Date: February 17, 2015

What starts as a Jesse rant about Starbucks, ends with Crendor completely missing the point. Also the boys discuss strange products to gift at Valentine's Day, that are too quirky, even for Zooey Deschanel. Relevent Pics: http://i.huffpost.com/gadgets/slideshows/369328/slide_369328_4771106_free.jpg http://i.huffpost.com/gadgets/slideshows/369328/slide_369328_4334904_free.jpg

Hello everybody, it's time for Cox and Crendor in the morning. In the morning. Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live. In 4 hour recording studio. Recording. Wake your ass up, it's Cox and Crendor in the morning. Cox and Crendor in the morning. Hello everybody, welcome back to Cox and Crandor in the morning. Hello everybody, welcome back to Cox and Crandor in the morning.

Hello everybody, how's it going? Welcome back to the show. And there's snow by the doe. Not here. Ain't no snow on the doe. Not on the flow. That's for show. Your boat down the street.

Uh-huh, no snow. It was 80 degrees today that's pretty hot it was very hot it got so hot that i almost turned on air conditioning that is pretty hot that's how hot it was i opened up all the windows and there was no wind and i was like i can't it's so hot so i just stood by a fan all day well here it's five degrees right now here's the thing. I'm not going to lie. I kind of miss that weather. Yeah. I grew up on the East Coast,

and I lived in Buffalo, New York, so I kind of miss the snow and the cold. Yeah. Not too much, mind you, but it's like a nostalgic miss. Yeah. I just don't see it. I don't see it anymore.

It's been years. I don't mind snow when you don't have to drive in it and i don't mind the cold when it's not like really cold like i mean like even if it's like 20 degrees outside or like 10 degrees if there's no wind it's not even that bad yeah i i deep in my soul i think one day i'll end up moving to new york back to new york i feel it in my i feel it in my bones i York, back to New York. I feel it in my bones. I love LA, but I feel it in my bones. Like, one day I'll just end up moving back there, because it's nice. Especially New York City.

Like, I just want to go there. It's like you're a hobbit out on a journey, and you're just trying to get back to the Shire. Yeah, man. East Coast. I miss it. I miss it a lot. But at the same time, there's no snow here. That's great.

That's great. That's great. But. No snow here. We'll be on the east coast for PAX. That's true. That's true. That's in a few. Or we have our panel.

That is in like less than a month from now. It is about. Oh, yeah. It is a month. A little less. Wow. A little less than a month. It's like March 6th or something.

Yeah. Our panel is that Saturday, 6 p.m., Bumblebee Room. The Bumblebee Room. The Bumblebee Room. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the Bumblebee Theater. I'm excited. I don't think they're going to stream this one, but it doesn't matter. Yeah, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. If you saw the one that we already did, it'll be just like that. It'll literally be just like that, except minus barbecue plus chowder and or fish. Oh, do they have like biscuits? Oh, my God. We need to find whatever the – look, if you're from Boston, what's the thing we need to eat? Yeah. Clearly clam chowder.

What else? That's the key. What else? And this time I'm going to be smart about it. I'm going to have a guy deliver it. I'm going to get one of those Eat 24 dudes to drive and deliver it. Be like, yeah, I got a deliverer here for Cox and Crandor. Yeah, instead of me going an hour early so by the time we get up on stage,

I won't eat it. What am I talking about? I'll spend the entire time talking, wishing I was eating it, and then afterwards we'll go to the same place we ordered from because I really wanted eat it. What am I talking about? Yeah. I'll spend the entire time talking, wishing I was eating it, and then afterwards we'll go to the same place we ordered from because I really wanted that food. That's what will happen. Exactly. Oh, man.

I'm glad you're so thrilled. And then we'll answer questions. Yeah, that's really like half of what we do. That's pretty much what we do. Yeah. Yeah. We'll be – we got gotta start on our book soon. We do have to start on our book.

I don't know how we start it, though. Maybe we can write a chapter. We can write a chapter and then read that live at the panel. Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. Like, chapter one. It'll be advice. Yeah. It'll be our book advice.

The chapters will be, like, sections of advice. Like, life advice. Or, like, school advice. Yeah, it'll be like, chapter one, like life advice or like school advice. Yeah, it'll be like chapter one, so you've been born. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good chapter one. That's a good chapter one. Chapter one, so you've been born.

And it'll be like, welcome to the world, asshole. Get used to being called that because that's what you are. Before you know. You're a pooping eating asshole and your parents have to love you because you came out of one of them and you came from the other yeah until you're 18 yeah and then they can kick your ass out if they want to but they love you so they won't so take them for all they're worth you little asshole unless they're assholes in which case you're born to the right family. Perfect.

Chapter one, done. Chapter one's done. Chapter one is done. We're so good at this. Our chapters are like David, what's that guy's, David Brown, something Brown. Dan Brown, yeah. It's like his novels. Where the chapters are like half a page long.

That's our book. Oh, we should write a Dan Brown novel. Oh man, we should. Starring Dr. Kren Krenderton. Yeah. And his sexy sidekick, Jessica Glasscocks. Glasscocks? Glasscocks.

Whoa. Yeah, that'd be a good. And they go around solving ancient crimes. Not new crimes. Ancient crimes. Not even like cold cases. Ancient crimes. Who killed Paul Smithington in 1842? We'll find out this week on Ancient Crime Files.

And then it's like where they interview all the people, but it's always just us in different clothes. In different outfits! And then at the end, we hire the one guy to just come on and be like, aliens. That's it. And we have the reenactment scenes with just us. Enactment scenes with just us. Like, well, Paul Smithington one time rode to the Boston Tea Party to find out whether or not there was a murder there.

The answer will surprise you. After this commercial break. After this commercial break. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. We know how TV works too well. I like how we decided to write a book that instantly became a TV show. There was a logic leap there that I don't think anyone followed except for us. We were in on it, though.

Yeah, I was in on it. We were in on it. So, speaking of being in on it, have you ever gone to Starbucks? Oh, yeah. And looked at the people in Starbucks and thought, what do they know that I don't know? Because everyone there has this weird aura of like, it feels like everyone who's at a Starbucks on their computers, always like 90% an Apple computer. Yeah. They always seem like they're important.

Mm-hmm. But if they're at a Starbucks at 1130 in the afternoon are they important if they're just sitting there on their computer drinking their latte that's a good question are they really important or are they wannabe important cause here's the thing I feel like when I walk in there oh my god

these people they're go-getters but at the same time they're wearing like terrycloth pants like sweatpants and like you know jackets from Old Navy in 1984. And it's like, wait a minute. Here's the thing. It blows my mind because I was in there the other day, and there are all these people surfing the internet on their laptops drinking giant coffees.

And I'm just like, if you can afford to drink a giant Starbucks coffee, you can afford to have your own internet. Yeah. Like, you don't need to take up every seat here. Some of us are here to drink coffee and talk, not have every seat taken by a lone person on a laptop. Yeah. It drives me crazy.

I alternate Starbucks because I got about, like, 20 around me. So there's one of them. They make really good Frappuccinos, really good Frappuccinos, like best you're going to find, but they're bad at everything else. And it's kind of small. The other one is like they got good coffee, but they don't do anything else. Well, the other one is like a mega Starbucks that's by the mall. It's like open till 1 a.m. That's where everybody goes. And that one is like crazy because it's really big, and there's all the clicks there, right? It's like there's the laptop area.

Sorry, the clicks? Yeah, like the high school type clicks. Except everybody is adults. At Starbucks. Okay, yeah. So there's like the little group of like high school people. Then there's the laptop people. Then there's always like a little lounge area with a fireplace that always has people on dates.

Like, hey, how's it going? Let's sit by the fireplace. It'll be nice and relaxing so we can talk. Then there's another little section of people in a corner working. And usually that's taken up by the Asian people. Because I always look over there and it's always Asian people. And they always look like they're 18 and I'm like, they're probably like 50. I'm not even going to stop you.

I'm going to let you keep going. You know, the Asian people, they sit in the corner, taking up the space, looking like they're 18. No. No, keep going. I wouldn't say that, unless they're like always there. I wouldn't say that, unless it was true. Those Asian people, they don't age. They're all vampires.

Asian vampires. Asian vampires. Asian vampires. Asian Starbucks corner drinking vampires. I think we got a new movie on our hands. Then, there's always this one Starbucks barista guy. He always works there at the same time. He's always just like, what up, man? I'm going to get you a drink. He's very chill like all the time no matter what's happening like

the place could be burning down he's just like i'll get you your drink then there's a guy that looks like will wheaton which is kind of weird he's always like really excited he's like yo man i'm will wheaton but i'm not and then uh what else then there's just kind of random people scattered all over those are the main groups of that Starbucks I don't know where I was going with this But that's what I was doing I thought you were going to try and reinforce what I was saying about Starbucks being taken over by people

Who have no business actually being at Starbucks But you know what? That's fine When they're on their laptops there I'll try to scan by them and see what they're looking at Here's what they're looking at Either random websites Their Facebook They're doing homework scan by them and see what they're looking at. Here's what they're looking at. Either random websites, their Facebook, like they're doing homework,

like studying or doing schoolwork or like projects or whatever. Or they're like writing their book that isn't... Oh, writing their book or their screenplay or their whatever. And that's it. It's like, can't you do this anywhere else? Yeah.

And it's not that I don't care. God bless them. I hope that they do wonderful things with their lives and whatever they're working on is great but the fact that they're always there and every seat's always taken up by the exact same like type of person just like i am here to work on my neck the next great american novel do that at home this is for paying customers just because you bought a drink four hours ago doesn't mean you get to sit here yeah holy crap oh yeah i remember the one time we went to that starbucks the douchey one and there was an old man there and he ordered something your douchey starbucks

or my douchey starbucks your douchey one okay there's an old man there his name was like frank or something and he like started talking with him he's like i sure love coming to this starbucks i come here every day you know what i like about it and they're just like what is it frank and there's like i just love talking to people and he's like kept going on and on and they're just like here's your coffee frank he's like okay they just went and sat down. I still don't know what that has to do with your Starbucks. I feel like you told a Starbucks story that made

no sense with this conversation. I'm waiting for the connection. I'm waiting for a deep connection. Okay, so I ordered my coffee, right? And Starbucks has douchey coffees. They have reserved coffees, so sometimes you can get the Colombian or like Ponte Ronde or like whatever aha and so I got mine and there's this one girl there and she knows that I like

to get those coffee and she's I'm like which one should I get she's like I'd recommend this one I'm like I don't get that one so then they call it calls it out there I here's the Colombian and I go to get it this Polish dude is just like walks in front of me and goes for it. I'm like, yo, that's my coffee. He's like, oh, my bad, my bad. And then turns out he got a Colombian coffee, dude.

Yeah! What? That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Now, the Asian table just looked over like, that dude was trying to steal the coffee. And I'm like, I know. It's my coffee.

Listen, all I'm saying is it's an eventful Starbucks. That sounds it. All right. Well, I'm trying to think of anything important that has occurred this week. I don't know that anything important has happened to me this week. This week's been pretty lame. I don't think anything important has happened to me this week. This week's been pretty lame. I don't think anything important has happened to me either.

I found out that one of my neighbors has a really fat dog and it amuses me. Oh. Like, it's a really fat dog. How fat is it? Like, it's a fat pit bull and it can't barely walk. So it just goes and it

takes like little tiny steps and every time I see her, I have to hold the elevator open for like five minutes because this dog is like it just waddles. It's so cute. I'm like, oh, you poor dog.

She's like, don't worry, she'll be along shortly. I'm like, alright. I'll hold the elevator open. She's like, oh, you poor dog. She's like, don't worry. She'll be along shortly. I'm like, all right. I'll hold the elevator open. She's like, okay. And the dog just, like, looks at you, like, unsure if it should move or not. And it's like, meh, meh, meh. It is so funny. That's the important thing that's happened to you this week.

Yeah, but it's all that dog. Like, I've never seen a dog this fat in my life. It is so fat. It's just like... Oh, yeah. Will, our friend Will, kept texting me, and he's like, me and Jesse are going to see this movie about... Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Yeah? I need to tell you see this movie. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah. I need to tell you about this movie. Okay. Grandeur. Holy shit. We should have opened with this. People are probably tuned out.

They're probably tuned out. They're like Starbucks. No one gives a shit. This. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I forgot. I think I blocked it out of my mind.

I think I blocked it. Guys, I'm going to share something with you. Something mind-blowing. I'm going to have to go on Twitter to remember everything that happened with this. One would think that this was a coming-of-age tale about a young boy who probably was a virgin, and how it was like, everyone he knows is getting laid except for him, right? Yeah. Let me change your mind here. All right. So, basically, the way it starts is this young kid who is a pizza delivery guy, who in the start of the movie, mind you, they load maybe 120 pizzas in the back of his car. And it does like an intro scene of him driving through L.A.

delivering 120 pizzas. I don't know that that's a thing that ever happened. He drives all around L.A. Like, first off, immediately you're taken out of it. Like, no, this isn't right. So it's a story about this boy who is sort of like, I'm trying to think, we thought this movie was going to be American Pie, Crandor. We thought it was going to be a 1980s American Pie.

Yeah. It said it was going to be like Porky's. It said after Porky's came out, this movie came out right after. If you haven't ever seen Porky's, go watch it. It is a raucous good time. But this movie was supposed to be in the same vein And we thought this would be great, this would be so much fun Let me explain to you some of the things that are in this movie

In the first hour of this film alone We have A bunch of guys These three friends go out to A, like, diner Pick up three girls By saying they have coke back at their house The girls only want to have that coke Then they go back to the house And the whole plan is that they're going to pick up three girls by saying they have coke back at their house. The girls only want to have that coke.

Then they go back to the house, and the whole plan is that they're going to bang these three girls. The three guys are going to get with these three girls. One dude, the sexy guy, gets with the hot girl. Okay. The, like, short, fat guy gets with the second most hot girl. And then the main character is left with the girl who no one wanted to sleep with, right? Yeah. But she's the girl who wants to do the most coke.

Of course they have no coke. So they give them, like, powdered sugar or something. And so it's them snorting powdered sugar, trying to get these girls fake high. Then, as the other two dudes go off to, like, have sex with these girls, the main guy is busy trying to get the one girl's brawl off while she's eating chips. So he's basically molesting this girl as she's eating chips, ignoring him. Then his parents come home and see this going on and freak out. The hot, sexy guy and the attractive woman jump out of the bed and they run away.

And they're half naked and everyone's screaming and laughing. And they all run into the car. And then the one girl, who was with the fat kid uh they're in the parents bedroom and she's like i'm gonna get naked but if you want to join me in the bed you can in a hundred seconds go outside and you wait so fat kid goes outside and starts stripping down and then the parents walk in the bed and see the girl she's like oh and so the girl leaves mind you fat kid's still outside counting so of course because this is the 80s the mother's like i need to lie down and so she lies down and the dad goes outside to figure out what's going on and of course fat kid comes back in jumps in bed and tries to have sex with the mom

this is maybe the first five minutes this movie it is insane following that the next day it starts out with a scene of them at school and they're in a locker room and this nerdy guy who i think might be the dude from portlandia i'm almost positive it is is like he's like i'm a nerdy guy and i drilled a hole into the girls locker room so i can see women so like you immediately get like a bunch of girls who are naked and we're thinking all all right, we get this. This is, like, a really bad, cheesy 80s, like, teenager movie. Yeah.

Nope, because then all the boys come in and see him doing that. And they're like, oh, look at him. He has to look at girls through the hole. That's probably because his dick's too small. And he's like, really? Let's measure. What? All the boys in the locker room disrobe,

and the main character and his friends measure their dicks. Everyone's penis is measured. Turns out the nerdy guy has the biggest dick in the room. Here's the thing. It's my... This is maybe 15 minutes in this movie now. Okay. Then, while delivering pizzas, they run into an old Spanish woman.

And the main character runs an old spanish woman the main the spanish woman she then is like if you ever want to do me just let me know so he doesn't do her he brings his friends back and then they proceed to run a train on an old spanish woman crendor what yes and then her like boyfriend from the navy comes home and chases them out and starts hitting them. It's crazy. And then this is maybe 35 minutes into the movie. Then they steal the nerdy kid's car, drive it into the ocean and they're like friends with him the next day.

Then they decide to go sleep with the prostitute and they all get crabs. And then this guy falls in love with this girl The entire premise of the film is that The main character has fallen in love with this girl

A creepy fascination with her And she's not at all interested in him She loves the sexy guy But here's the thing The girl that he likes, her friend Loves the main character And she's like this nerdy girl But nerdy in the way that if you removed her glasses

She'd be the hottest person in the room. Like, they did that weird, like, we gave her glasses and braces. Whatever. Take those off. She is smoking hot. Yeah. Anyway, so what happens is the best friend, like, sexy best friend, sleeps with the girl he loves, gets her pregnant. He then, the next day, breaks up with her.

He then the next day breaks up with her So the main character In what may be the craziest scene I have ever seen in a movie He's like look I'm your friend he goes up to this girl that he's loved the entire time He's like I love you I want to help you Let's get you an abortion They get an abortion

She goes to the abortion doctor He goes around trying to get money All to a U2 song And not like a sad U2 song, like an upbeat U2 song. Then immediately afterwards, they do it. Then I'm not like it just progressively gets great. Then when he thinks he finally got her, he buys her a pendant. He's going to go talk to her.

Then at the end, he goes back. Guess what? She's with the other guy again. I don don't i don't oh my god i'm not gonna spoil how it ends i just want to let you know it is insane go watch this movie literally go watch the last american virgin it might be the craziest effing film when the end credits roll you will be like what the shit did i just watch that does sound like the craziest movie i've ever heard never in my life apparently it's based off an israeli uh series of films that was very very popular but this movie only made like i don't know like three bucks or something it was insane like no one saw this movie it is the worst

literally the worst until Literally the worst. Until you see the end. Then you see the end and you'll be like, I don't know if this was good or bad. Like, Quindor, I can't. It rivals the ending of Rage. Oh, wow. I was in a room with our friend Will, Jared, Schroeder. Like, this whole group of people were in a room together.

Yeah. At the end, everyone was silent until someone was like, holy shit. It was complete silence. If you want to go back to February 6th, you can look at the tweets we tweeted. And there's maybe like 15 tweets in a row of me just losing my mind. I don't even know how to describe this to people. Like, that's just some of the things I can remember off the top of my head. Like, you just gotta experience it?

You have to experience it. You must go experience this movie. Alright. I sat there the entire, there's a, there's a tweet that's basically about how I sat there with my mouth open the entire time. Because I couldn't, I just couldn't fathom what I was watching. Well. It was crazy.

It was crazy. You have to watch it. You have to watch it. You have to watch it. Crandor, you have to watch it and then report back. I need you to let me know that it was as crazy as I said it was because it is nuts. It is the nuttiest thing I've ever seen. Like, I just, I can't even, there's so many things that happened in that movie that I can't remember off the top of my head. It's just, I don't, I don't even know, man.

I don't even know. It scarred me. It legitimately scarred me well all right i guess i'll have to i'll have to see it and then believe in the heart of the cards yep you will uh speaking of seeing and believing this is the worst segway ever it's time to go to Cox's Grand Door in the Sky and jump to a copter. Fucking shit. Whatever. It's too late. Keep going. Hey, I'm not used to getting called upon so rapidly like that. Let's go.

We're in the sky right now looking down at Sam Smeaton and eric badar it appears they're having a having a good old-fashioned uh arm wrestling match over a skittle right now so we'll come back to that sometime in the near future to see who won that because i don't think that's gonna be over anytime soon also it appears g Gregor's Masiag has left us a note which just showed up on the Chapter Copter in the Sky note festival

appearing magic screen and he says that Polish sausage is also called kielbasa. Thanks, Gregors. Back to you. Thanks, Crendor. It's still Polish sausage Yeah

Although, now that means Every time we go to When we go to PAX East Every time someone talks We have to make them say Kielbasa Yeah, Kielbasa Kielbasa

Kielbasa Kielbasa Apparently he's from Poland So he knows this Yeah, well, you know what? Send us Polish sausage then Real Polish sausage Polish sausage and Kielbasa And. Polish sausage and kielbasa.

And kielbasa. Kielbasa. All right, so what is going on in the world of weather? Kielbasa. Kielbasa. Uh, uh, oh, God. Uh, weather. Uh... Hold on. Woppy? One, two, four, five. Woppy activated. Woppy is searching. Greenfield Park, New York.

Two degrees Fahrenheit. Feels like negative 14. Mostly cloudy. Wind west, northwest. 10 miles per hour. Goes through 17 miles per hour. Wear a coat. Thanks, Woppy.

Thanks, Woppy. That's the best purchase we ever made. Yep. That's where that Patreon money goes. That's where it goes. Everybody wonders. All right. ever made. Yep. That's where that Patreon money goes. That's where it goes. Everybody wonders. All right. And sports.

Sports. Man, we got some crazy sports today. We got Denver. Peyton Manning meets with the Broncos on Thursday to discuss whether he's going to play again or retire or if they even want him back. Get out. He's gone. Just leave here, Peyton Manning. Come on.

He's gone. He's gone just leave here Peyton Manning come on he's gone he's gone uh and pretty much this is the time of the year where like no like big sports are happening besides like basketball actually hockey's happening but they're kind of in their like middle of the season points like once they get to the playoffs then it actually matters but aside from that it's kind of like I don't know are there any crazy sports we should know about? Oh yeah. Uh, crazy sports stories. Oh man. Ten crazy sports stories you missed in 2014?

Hold on. Uh-oh. Uh, the second biggest bullfight in the world was cancelled because the Bulls won. Yeah, go Bulls! Yeah, go Bulls! After Pamplona, the second biggest bullfight is the San Isidro Festival in Madrid, which kicks off the bullfighting season in Spain. This year, things didn't go exactly as planned. Traditionally, bullfights pit three matadors against six bulls,

with each matador taking on two bulls. At San Isidro, the three matadors couldn't get past the first two bulls. First up was 33-year-old Matador David Mora, who was gruesomely gored by a 560-kilogram black bull named Desleo. After Mora was taken out of the ring, Matador Antonio Nazare finished off Desleo with his sword. What? Yeah, they kill the bulls at the end of bullfights. You didn't know that?

I didn't know that. Yeah, that's why every once in a while it's kind of fun to hear about the bull getting back. Yeah. And the third Madden bull. I like to think that they're actually fighting the 1994 Chicago Bulls. Dennis Rodman didn't make it, but they couldn't take down Jordan. They couldn't take down Jordan. Apparently Scotty Pippen doesn't tip it's all the people around here like at restaurants and stuff called him. No tip in Pippen

The third batted doors Saul Jimenez Fortes then entered the ring and Fenton Gored him in the right leg and pelvis fighting through the pain. Damn, right in the balls. Yep, got him right in the balls. Fortez eventually killed Fenton, but the bullfighter had to quit in order to get treatment. What a stupid... Like, why did they even do this? I don't know, because it's like a thing.

It's like a, you know, a Spanish thing. Damn it, Spain. Damn you and your delicious paella. Paella, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, that's a really great story. Yeah, I'm going to save these. The other four bulls were just, you know, on the sidelines as usual. Like, damn it, Jordan.

He used to do everything. If I had bulls, I'd name them after the 94 bulls. Yeah, I would too. Let's be clear. If I owned a stable of bulls, I'd name them after the bulls. Oh, I thought I heard a Michael Jordan story recently. So when the bulls gore people, it could be like, Michael Jordan gored a man today.

Scottie Pippen took out a man's eye. It was awful. Apparently Michael Jordan misspelled President Obama's name on a gift. How could you misspell it? I guess he misspelled Barack. Oh, did he leave out the C? He said B-A-R-R-A-C-K. Oh, so he added one extra R.

Whatever. Whatever. Whatever, who cares? Yeah, instead of Barack, he named him Bar-Rock. Yeah, Bar-Rock. Bar-Rock. Bar-Rock. I am Bar-Rock.

Fourth Guardian of Mordor. There should have been one named Barak. Yeah, an orc leader named Barak. Yeah. Barak Obama. That does sound like an orc. Look, our president may or may not be an orc. Versus Barak.

Barak Obama. All right. That's sports. That's it. That's sports. All right. What's our big news story it. That's sports. All right. What's our big news story of the day? Since Valentine's Day is coming up, we got the weirdest Valentine's gifts you can get.

Nice. One of them, sexy surgeon's mask. Need to create mystery with your lover or simply don't want to get measles? This sexy surgeon mask is a way to say yes, yes with your eyes. Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What? Almost everyone who has the measles right now is a little kid.

I'm not sure. Do you not want to get measles while kissing your little girlfriend? Also, I'm pretty sure I've been vaccinated for that. I'm pretty sure most people have. Yeah. People, like, not born in the year 2000 plus. Yeah. All right.

Well, I mean, that's a thing. If in the year 2000 plus. Yeah. All right, well, I mean, that's a thing. But if you want to get that. Yeah, you can also get an eraser ring. It's a ring, but it's a big eraser. What? Yeah. Wait, do you have an image of this? I do.

Hold on, here you go. I want to see this. This is an eraser ring. That is the stupidest. That's like something you would give a kid in maybe first grade as like a prize for showing up to class. Yeah. Like, you made it today, Jim Jim. Thanks, teacher.

Or something you get for like five tickets at Chuck E. Cheese. Yes, that's exactly what it is. Thanks, teacher. Like, who would give this to someone on Valentine's Day? I caught you a ring. I wanted a Chuck E. Cheese. You know who would give this to someone? Someone who, like, has that, like, they're both little, like, quirky people.

Oh, yeah, you're right. Like, they're both Zooey Deschanels. Yeah. Two Zooey Deschanels are dating each other, and one gives the other one this. That's exactly what... It's great. Thanks, Zooey. I love you,... It's great. Thanks, Zoe. I love you too, Zoe.

We're so quirky together. Let's sing a song on a ukulele. I love to sing on the ukulele. I love to sing with you too. Yep. Yep. Yep. All right.

There's a mood sign. Perhaps the greatest invention ever created for a couple, the mood sign is a simple way for a woman or man to signal whether they are in the mood. Red means stop and blue means don't stop. And they're wearing big, like, containers. What? What the shit is this? Well, I need a photo of this too.

Yeah, you need a photo of this. Look at this thing. What is this? Wait, what? Yeah. It, you need a photo of this. Look at this thing. What is this? Wait, what? Yeah. It's like they're wearing Minecraft blocks. It does look like their arms were amputeed off and they were replaced. Like, this is the plot of some horror movie.

Like, yes, mankind was better with red and blue blocks. It's like air traffic control. Like, I am ready to engage in the intercourse if if you are with someone and you have to use this to tell what you're you're like the person you're having sex with wants to do you've got more problems than just having sex or you're zoe day chanel two zoe day chanels wearing these. We're so quirky. And next up, we have the black lingerie apron. It's an apron.

It's like one of those stupid T-shirts people wear where it's like, I'm a bikini model, but it's not a T-shirt. So it looks like I am, but I'm not. Yeah. Zoe's like, that's so cute! Like, all of these are just the perfect gift for Zoe Deschanel. Uh, Klingon blood wine. I mean,

okay. You think you have a problem shopping for Valentine's Day gifts? It's amplified by 1,000 when your special someone is a Klingon. Luckily, this blend of male... Yeah. Damn it, Huffington Post. Pretty sure that's not going to happen.

Yeah, if you're dating an alien, you might want to... If you're dating a fictional alien, you might want to get them blood wine. Your lover will appreciate the gift so much, he or she will shout, Yalop wassechak makach. Here's the thing. If they were, if you really were dating a Kleon and you bought them blood wine

that was made on Earth Yeah. It wouldn't necessarily they would be offended. Yeah, they'd be offended. Then they would kill you. Yep. And make their own blood wine out of your blood. Yeah, that's stupid. You're stupid. stupid yeah you're stupid um your very own personal stalker what it's a little like personal stalker toy it says sometimes it's hard to find the right way to tell someone you're seriously obsessed with them in a way that goes beyond normal boundaries of acceptable behavior for those people there is

the personal stalker your lover your lover will probably appreciate it as a little joke until it's not funny anymore. The shit. What? I'm pretty sure no normal person is going to be like, wow, this is great. None of this sounds great. No one would buy these. Who invented these? People with too much free time.

Yeah, way too much free time. Super heroine. I'm still looking at these two with the blocks on their arms. The guy is so excited. He's like, yeah, I got a block for a dime. And the woman's like, red means no, dear. He's like, yeah, block off. You can buy a superhero in photo session. What? Yeah, it's just like a photo session where you get to be like Captain America or like, you know. Oh, super. I thought you meant like heroin heroin, like the drug.

I was like, super heroin, what? No. And you're like, you get to be Captain America. I was like, ugh. I don't know what that's a case. Captain America doing heroin. You get to dress up like Captain America and do heroin. Yeah, party over here. Captain America, there heroine. He didn't dress up like Captain America and knew a heroine. Yeah, party over here.

Captain America, there's crime to fight. Not now, kid. Need my fix. Party at Captain America's house. Fast food themed underwear. Uh-huh. Yep, that's what you think it is. I choose you stuffed animal, except it's C-H-E-W-S, and it's like a zombie dude. He's got a little heart that says, I choose you. I get it's C-H-E-W-S

And it's like a zombie dude And he's got a little heart that says I choose you I get that, that's stupid A giant heart shower curtain It's just a big shower curtain with a heart on it Like a real heart Seriously, why would you buy anyone For Valentine's Day a shower curtain?

I have no idea In the history of Valentine's Day Has anyone ever bought a shower curtain for someone? Like, I love you, baby. Here's a shower curtain. Like, I really need to know this. In the history of this holiday, has anyone ever bought anything?

I feel like there's one guy. Like, maybe that guy from that cheap show. I found this on the street. I found it in the garbage. It's still good. It'll get water and this on the street. I found it in the garbage. It's still good. It'll get water and soap on it anyway. She's like, oh, he was gonna get me nothing. I

appreciate it. Alright, is there any other good ones? Dairy Queen spoon in a velvet case. I don't. I don't. Chocolate text. It's literally like a chocolate box with like texts, like pieces of chocolate with letters on them. Like, have a weird Valentine's Day.

All in chocolate. Stupid. Yeah. Leather covered heart shaped pill box. Chocolate boob hearts. Take your pills. You can put your hair on it and you dress up as Captain America. Then you'll end up looking like this dude with the blue box on his hand.

Like, yeah, yeah! I'm gonna do it tonight! No, you're not. Uh, sex position, playing cards. What? They're just playing cards, but instead of, like, the king or queen and stuff, they have, like, sex positions. Who finds that awesome? Like, hey, baby, for Valentine's Day,

I got you playing cards, doing it, playing cards. Oh my god, best gift in my life. So, in addition, I was like, for Valentine's Day, I got you playing cards, doing it, playing cards. Oh, my God. Best gift in my life. So in addition, I was like, it's so quirky. I couldn't think up any cards or positions, so now I'm glad I got some ideas on the playing cards. These are way more boring than what I usually do. Awesome. We like to ride bikes.

No. We like to ride unicycles while we do it. Listen to old time rag music. While playing the ukulele. That's the music that plays in this audition. It all does sex. And finally, Riddler boxers. Sure.

Yeah. Great. So make sure to not get those gifts for Valentine's Day. I don't know. I kind of want this box. Look at this dude. He's having so much fun with this box. I can't not look away at this photo.

He's like, yeah. He's doing the Jesse pose, but with a box. Every photo I take is, this is basically me, but it's with a box. That's true. Or your Zooey Deschanel, in which case, these are great gifts.

Yes. If Zooey Deschanel's listening right now, I love you. Marry me. You're just so quirky. That's that. Anyway, guys, that's it. Thank you for listening.

We'll be back soon with another episode and as always to be continued