Cox n' Crendor Show - Episode 95 - The Darkest Timeline

Episode Date: February 18, 2015

So Jesse took the day off to lounge about a drink, then Crendor wanted to do a podcast. This is the result. Also Owls rise up against their human masters, and Crendor and Jesse reveal what they'd do with 80 million dollars.

Hello everybody, it's time for Cox and Crendor in the morning. In the morning. Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live. In 4 hour recording studio. Recording. Wake your ass up, it's Cox and Crendor in the morning. Cox and Crendor in the morning. Hello everybody, welcome back to Cox and Crendor in the morning. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Cox and Crandor in the morning.

Boxing. Wow. Did we just punch them awake with love? I assume with love. With violence, that's not how we roll. Violence is never the answer unless someone makes you mad. Yeah, and then you have the right to hit them. Violently.

Yeah, you said it, not me. So I am excited because this episode I've had way too much to drink. Yeah. Guys, I'm going to let you know a secret. I discovered that combining limeade with vodka is not a smart decision. Not smart. It does not taste like anything except limeade. Limeade's so is not a smart decision. Not smart. It does not taste like anything except limeade. Limeade's so sour, it covers up anything.

If you ever wanted to poison someone, put it in limeade. I'm just saying. If you ever wanted to get, like, let's say when you were younger, a bully picked on you in school. Now that you're older, he doesn't recognize you. Yeah. Invite him out. Pee in his limeade. He won't know.

I'm just saying, you can put anything in limeade. I thought you were going to poison him. No, don't poison him. Just pee in his limeade. Don't kill someone. Yeah, don't do that. Yeah, killing people is stupid when you can pee in their limeade. Yeah.

He'll be alive, and you'll know that he drank your pee. That's way better. Yeah. Oh, man, then every time you see him, he'll be like, hey, asshole, you drank my pee. Yeah, you don't have to say anything. Just be like, hey, man, keep inviting him out for Lime-Aids. Mm-hmm.

Yep, keep peeing in his Lime-Aid. Oh, man. That'll be in our advice book. Yep, that's in our advice book. Get back, revenge. Lime-Aid. I'm going to make a chapter called Lime-Aid. What can't you put in it? It is.

I'm just saying, it's very good. It's very, very good. And I've been drinking it all day. It's a lazy day right now. Lazy day. It's been a lazy day. I'm just sort of like relaxing and maxing. Usually I spend the day working, trying to get stuff done.

But I think I've given up trying to do stuff today. I just can't handle it. I can't handle it. Welcome to my weekdays. I can't handle it. If it's recording is either messed up or rendering is messed up or uploading. Just today has been a giant perfect storm of a bad day. So I said, screw it. I'm going to mix me a drink. And I went up to my closet and realized I don't really have much to drink.

Yeah. But I do have a vodka that's been in there for two years. I'm not a big drinker, Crandor. Yeah, I know. So I have vodka that's been in there for two years i'm not a big drinker crendor yeah vodka that's been in there for two years and limeade that i bought and i said well shoot i'll try it was that damn good is that the vodka that like clint bought no no vodka clint bot's like three years old and that's how i i may have trashed that it was like whipped cream vodka or something. It was awful.

It was awful. And so I just, after it got down to about a half a bottle, but sat there for three years, I eventually threw it away. Yeah. I'm not going to lie. I'm not a big, like, big time drinker. I'm a social drinker. I'll drink when, like, I'm out partying with friends or having a good time. But other than that, because I don't like getting – I don't like hangovers.

And I don't like – usually I lose my voice because I talk really loud when I drink. Yeah, you do. So I just – yeah. You usually talk loud anyway though. Yeah, but I can control myself. I know when to shut up. That's true. When I'm out at parties, it's so loud.

So I have to talk louder than the loud and I lose my voice. And I don't like it because the next day I can't work. Yeah, when your life is your voice, that's why people are like, Jesse, do you smoke? Jesse, do you do this and that? I'm like, nope. Sorry. I live in L.A.

You like being in control. Yeah. In L.A., literally everyone and their brother is on some type of pot. Not me. I won't do it. Not because I don't – I'm not like that guy that's like, man, I don't want to get high. Look, I'd love to be high all the time, but I can't because smoke ruins your vocal cords, and I'm not even

going to do that. No cigarettes, no nothing. That's me. That's me. I know myself now. I've never even injected any marijuanas either. Look, I'm just saying you don't need to, kids. You don't need to. Yeah, look at that. Neither of us do, and look where we are. Yeah, learn

about yourself. Learn what you can handle and what you can't handle, and then don't do it. Unless you're rich. Oh, in that case, do blow all the time. Get crack. No, I'm sorry, cocaine. Crack is... Crack's for the poor people. Yeah, of course. That's why they go to jail disproportionately more. Crack charges

throw you in jail for years. Cocaine? Pat on the wrist. Yeah, that's what rich people do. It's because you're rich. It's because you're rich. Yeah, no, we know. One day that's my dream. That's my dream. To have cocaine money and have the police be like, Jesse, are you on the drugs again?

What? No, officer. No, everything's good. What the hell are we talking about? I don't know. I don't know how we got here. This podcast took a real weird turn at the start it's it's been taking weird turns for a long time what happened to us we did one podcast where the end of it was just like let's talk about death like what did we

yes yes what happened to us we did we're so topical but, like, philosophical at the same time. That's why, that's the hallmark of a good show. Yeah, it is. That's the hallmark of a good show. And anybody can listen to it and relate, kind of. Yeah, because, look, you're all going to die. Yeah. Exactly.

It's so dark. It's just so dark. So you might as well laugh and have a good time. Yeah, you might as well have a good time. Get yourself some limeade, pee in it, give it to an old friend. Yeah. What the hell? You'll both be dead anyway.

Like, it matters. Have fun now. Yeah. All right. This is the darkest timeline of this podcast. I'm sure we could find some other point in our two year history where we found darker. Maybe. I don't know. It's very

very funny that this episode turned out this way. We were at how many episodes now? We're at 94? We're getting close to 100. We're getting close to 100. Our 100th episode? I don't know what we'll do for that. I don't either. What do you think we should do? 100th episode what do you think we should do? I feel like

okay. We gotta okay. I'm waiting. We gotta decide on something cool, but I don't know. I'm not cool. I can't think of cool things. Uh-huh. Maybe the fans should tell us stuff that we should

do. Uh-huh. Like what? Oh, that's a good idea, actually. Yeah. It could be, like, relating to the episodes. Maybe it'll be, like, we'll read off a chapter of the elf story book. Mm-hmm. And then we'll talk about Guy Hero. And then, I don't know.

So, basically, it's just a fan suggestion episode? Yeah. Whatever you want, we'll do it. Oh, that's a good idea. Whatever you want, we'll do it. Are there any crazy challenges you want us to do? We'll do it. Unless we're going to die from them, in which case.

Yeah, unless it's drinking pee out of Limeade, because that's insane. I would never do that. Drinking the pee out of the Limeade. You gotta milk it. You gotta milk it out. That's how Limeade's made, didn't you do that. Drinking the pee out of the limeade. You gotta milk it. You gotta milk it out. That's how limeades are made. Didn't you know that? Mm-mm.

You milk the limes? No, it's not limes. Oh. Yeah. Where do you milk it from, then? Where do you milk it from? Where do you milk pee from? No, limeade.

That's what I'm asking. I don't look. Limes, I would assume. That's what I said. Limes. Yep. Yep. I said limes, and you were like, no.

I was like, no, it comes out of limes. You milk the limes. You don't even milk the limes. I thought you were talking about pee. In which case, it was very funny and inappropriate. Okay. Alright, so yeah, let's for our 100th episode, you guys can write in,

leave us comments, and be like, this is what you should cover. Yeah. This is what you should do. Do something crazy for your 100th episode. Perfect. Yeah. I like it. Alright, well, I guess that means we should go to Choppy Goblins of the Gath! Crandor! Crandor, how's that traffic out there? Through the baggins.

How's it going? I just felt like doing that. No one knows what that was, buddy. Thank you, calling in. From the ground to the Chopped Coppicep. We got some people down on the ground. Looks like they're having a birthday party. Looks like it's a birthday for Etienne Hornbacher. Happy birthday, Etienne. It appears like you have a lot of good friends down there, like Andrew Hirsch.

We got Houyu Huang. We got Jennifer Watts. We got Nadje. We got Ben Bowering. Man. It's a big birthday party there, but... Oh, my... Oh, no, they're drinking Limeade. Somebody spiked the Limeade. This is... This is not good, and it looks like by the highway,

traffic's all fine and dandy like Limeade candy back to you. Thanks, Crendor. Now let's go to Crendor at the weather desk. Crendor, how's that weather looking? Weather today, man, I don't feel like doing it. Woppy. Woppy is chalculating 45876 Attoville, Ohio. Did you just say he's chalculating?

He's chalculating. He's chalculating. What a fresh weather. Woppy. Attoville, Ohio. 45876 weather. Woppy. Attoville, Ohio. 4, 5, 8, 7, 6. Weather. 4 degrees.

Feels like negative 11. Wind north-northeast 10 miles per hour. 47% humidity. Negative 1 degree tonight. Monday, 17 degrees. Monday night, 6 degrees. Thanks, Woppy. Yeah, he did it.

I need to program tweets in there. You it. I need to program tweets in there. You should. You should definitely program tweets in there. Yeah. Put it in his chalculations. I'll put it in the old chalculations. His old chalculator. They used to put them on the Weather Channel.

And now... Then they realized how dumb it was. Yeah. All right, Woppy, is there any tweets? Hold on, I tweaked some. Chalkulating. Autoville, Ohio. We're going to get chalkulating. Dylan DK Lima 13 says,

come to Autoville, Ohio. Wait, what? That's it? Yeah, that's about it. Wow. They've convinced me. Yeah, you should go to Autoville. Come to Autoville, Ohio.

Not even like auto, like a car, like O-T-T-O, like auto. Yeah, it's probably a guy named Otto. And he found Autoville. He was an old German man. And he was like, come to Autoville. Like he named the whole city after himself? That's what most cities are named after. I want to tell him, like... Oh, it's probably named after

Audubon Bismarck! Uh, it's probably named after Audubon Bismarck! What? Who's that? Audubon Bismarck! The Kaiser? Like a Kaiser roll? I mean, essentially, yeah, yes. Oh, did he make bread? No! What? God damn it! He has a Kaiser bread? No. What? God damn it.

He has a Kaiser roll. You know what? Learn your history. Learn your history. I just want a town called, like, Crendor Town. No, no. You'd be Crendorberg. Crendorberg.

Crendorberg. Yeah, Crendorberg is what you'd be. I'd be Coxson. New Coxson. Yeah. Yeah. See, it's easy. Pick a Patreon person's name.

Okay. Well, let's see. Who do we got here? Anyone's name. Quick, go. Jason. Last name? His name's just Jason.

Damn it. Help us at all. All right. How about... Last name? His name's just Jason. Damn, that doesn't help us at all. All right. How about... Ali Pekka Toivonen. God damn it, that doesn't help us either. Pekka Toivonen? Pekka Toivonen.

I think it's Ali Pekka is his first name, and then Toivonen's his last name. Toivonen. Oh, well, Toivonen could be... Toivonenston. Toivonenston. Toivonenston. Toivonenston. That's the name of the town. All right.

Jeff Long. Oh, Longville, Longtown, Longburg. Oh, Long Forest. Mm-hmm. Long River. His name is easy. Yeah. How about Kevin Fung? Oh, that's Fungtown.

Fungtown. No one escapes Fungtown. Nobody escapes Fungtown. Fungtown's easy. That's easy. I'll do a couple more here. We got Nathan Latimer. Latimer Lane. I like that. Latimer Lane. I'd live on Latimer Lane. I'd live on Latimer Lane.

I'd live on Latimer Lane. It's like a nice suburban community. Yeah, yeah. All the houses look the same. Yeah. Everyone has 2.5 children. Yeah. Yeah.

Mike Brockenhoff. Oh, Brockenhoffville. No, Brockenhoffburg. Brockenhoffburg. Yeah, Bro and Hoffberg. Brock and Hoffberg. Let's see. Matt Schaefer. No, Ryan Schaefer.

I combined two names. Ryan, oh, Schaefer. Schaefer. Help me out here, man. Schaefer. Schaeferton. Great. Yep, you got it. Nailed it. Down to. Schaeferton. Great. Yep. You got it.

Nailed it. Nailed it. And old Schaeferton. That works. All right. That works. That's not as good as I thought it was. Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Yeah. Uh, how'd we even get here? Let's do one more. The weather. It's the weather. Yeah, do one more. It's, uh, Quinn Hickey.

Oh, uh, Hickeyville. One more. It's Quinn Hickey. Oh. Hickeyville. All right. Come on down to Hickeyville. We've got progressively worse as things have went along. Look, we had a good run. Now that's dead. Let us never go back to it. All right.

Sports. Oh, yeah, sports. I've got this list of crazy sports stories still uh-huh and where do we stand head over to wait okay that's a boring one former wait what former nba player busted for being a heroin and wait a heroin addict with a grenade launcher. Please tell me it's someone we know. Michael Jordan, giant heroin addict, and he has a grenade launcher. Robert Swift with the Seattle Supersonics. Uh-huh.

So no one we know. No one has ever known someone on the Seattle Supersonics. Uh-huh. So no one we know. No one has ever known someone on the Seattle Supersonics. No. No one. So he lived in Portland. His home was raided. Of course he did. And they found meth, heroin, prostitutes, and weapons.

Whoa. This guy was living like a boss. Wait, is he still a player or is he a former player? Swift played with the Sonics in Oklahoma City Thunder from 2004 to 2009. Wait, so he must have made enough money that in 2015, he can have a house full of prostitutes, drugs, and money. Yeah, he managed that money well. That's what you expect Justin Bieber to have.

If Justin Bieber doesn't have prostitutes, guns, and drugs, I don't know who will. This guy beat Bieber. This guy's better than Bieber. This guy beat Bieber. He beat Bieber. He beat the Biebs. His roomie, Trigiv Bjorkstrom, corroborated his version. Someone has never watched any S-like Law and Order series

his version of events and even defended Swift to police insisting Swift was a good guy he only helped him collect a drug debt good guy or not cops searched Swift's bedroom and found a 12 gauge shotgun propped up

behind the door, 7 more firearms on or under the bed, and a military grade 40mm grenade launcher locked in a safe. Why does he need... Why does anyone need that stuff? I don't know. What was he preparing for?

The day when the prostitutes rise up against me. Or when they bring in the Apache. Yeah, what was he like? I gotta have this grenade Here's the thing I bet it wasn't a grenade launcher But a t-shirt cannon he stole from his old job Yeah, I bet it was too

Yeah Those look like grenade launchers But they fire delicious t-shirts I mean, not t-shirts You know what I mean Delicious t-shirts I'm sorry I got confused with the hot dog launcher

Have you seen the hot dog launcher? Oh yeah, the hot dog launcher It launches delicious hot dogs Not not wonderful t-shirts. There, see? Solved it. Fixed it. Boom. He apparently made $20 million over his career.

Oh, all right. Well, there you go. I want $20 million. Holy crap. Look, if I had $20 million, I wouldn't spend it on drugs and hookers, that's for sure. Let's just spend it on, like, my own island. I've always said, if I get a crazy amount of money, I know exactly what I'm going to do with it. All right.

You ready for this? I'm ready. Give me a crazy amount of money. Go. It doesn't matter. I can break it down. $80 million. All right.

I get $80 million. Yeah. Immediately, I know the government's going to take half of that. Yeah. So I put $40 million away for the government to take. Boom. I know it's going to happen. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So I put $40 million away for the government to take. Boom. I know it's going to happen. Yeah. Then I am going to take the remainder of that $40 that's left. I'm going to take $10 million of that, put it away, use it as like the Jesse Cox retirement fund, invest it in things, do that kind of stuff, right?

Don't touch it. $30 million's left. Of that 30 million half of that goes to buying like a nice cushy house for myself my parents, right? Getting a cool car, like you know being a badass that's like living money. Yeah. And then the 15 million that's left 5 million of that goes to giving

it away to friends and people like that so they never have to bug me for money ever again. And I'll be like this is all you get never come to me for more money all right then that final 10 million one crazy ass weekend all my friends in like bangkok or or some like shanghai some crazy ass asian city where no rules exist the only rule is to have fun. Yeah, $10 million, and the only rule is you cannot come home with any money. We have to leave with nothing.

You could have bought stuff with it and come back with it, but you must not return with a single bill in your hand. Oh, man. That's what I would do. That's what I would do. A $10 million crazy weekend. Now you just got to win the lottery. Right? Now I just gotta win the lottery That'd be like everyone

We're going somewhere nuts Bring one suit And one let's say bathing suit And that's all you're bringing I win the lottery And if you don't have either of those We'll buy them for you when we get there Bring a t-shirt and some pants

Don't bring anything else Don't bring a suitcase Don't bring nothing And if you don't have either of those, we'll buy them for you when we get there. Bring a t-shirt and some pants. Let's go. Don't bring anything else. Don't bring a suitcase. Don't bring nothing. Nothing. We're going nuts. All right. That's what I would do.

So I'm going to let you know what I would do. Okay, you have $80 million. Go. All right, I got $80 million. So obviously you take the $40, put it away. You got $40 million. Okay. So with $40 million, I take $5 million and I buy a Tesla and I buy a house and I make sure I can pay for the property tax and all that for just the rest of my life. So that's all set.

Then with $35 million, how much does a sports team cost? Way more than that. How much does a sports team cost? What kind of sports team are you looking for? You could probably buy the Chicago roller derby team. No, I don't want to buy a professional sports team. Those are billions of dollars. You could probably buy a roller derby team. How much does a hockey team cost?

A lacrosse team all right uh the average hockey team is now worth 240 million damn yeah good luck with that all right what's an even what's a sport nobody cares about um you could buy a oh you could buy like a hockey rink oh that's right. I could buy... I could build my own stadium. No, you couldn't. Okay. Not... No. No. Wrong.

All right. All right. Scratch all that. So far, my plan is way better than yours. All right. So far, you just have your money sitting in a bank, and you're doing nothing with it. Oh, my God. Okay.

So, I take... They have 35 left. I take 10. I invest it in IKEA. Why don't you just open your own IKEA? But I like IKEA. Yeah, why don't you open your own? I don't want to challenge them.

No, you open your own chain of IKEAs. But would they let me? Yeah. You say, I want to build an IKEA here, and they'll say, all right, sure. Oh, all right. You can own an IKEA, and it'll be your IKEA, and you can make the best IKEA in the world. That's a good point. All right, sure. Oh, all right. You can own an Ikea, and it'll be your Ikea, and you can make the best Ikea in the world. That's a good point. All right.

Five-story Ikea with a fountain in the middle that goes up five stories. I like that. And the fountain is a chocolate fountain. And on each floor, you have people that hand out little marshmallows or little strawberries, and you can dip it in the chocolate fountain. Yeah. You're welcome for making the best Ikea. Five-story chocolate fountain? Shut up!

And if you want to cover your furniture in chocolate, you can do it. Yeah. For $400. Yeah. Chocolate-coated furniture. Alright, so that's $10 million. Done. And then, so I got, how much I got left? 35, 25, 20. Yeah, 20 million left.

And with 20 million, I'm going to... Oh, what's something? I could create a game. I'll create my own game. Uh-huh. And I could finally make it how I want it. I don't know what game I'd make, but I'd make a game. We could finally make our hentai game.

Yeah. Oh, that's right. We could make all the games we talk wanted to talk and we talked about but what don't have any funding Here's the thing. I do that too. I'm making games. I would I would like indie games I would be like if you're an indie games developer come to me. Yeah, we'll publish your games. Oh, oh, that's a good idea All right, only five million to go on our crazy spree around the world. All right, five goes to making video games All right, only five million to go on our crazy spree around the world. The other five goes to making video games. All right, I changed mine. Yeah, and then I would want to, like, I'd become one of the shark people,

where, like, people would pitch me their ideas. Become a shark person? Oh, all right, I was a little worried. I was like, then I would have a fin surgically attached to my back. I'd have them under the water with the fish. The Crandor? I mean, I could, I could dress in a shark outfit and be like,

I'd be left shark. Just be like, your idea's good, I'm investing in it. Who is this asshole? Then I can make all my money back, and even if I fail in a lot of the investments, you still get your money for some of them. You just need one good one that's gonna take off.

And then, with five million, I would be like, all right, everybody, we're going to go nuts somewhere. And then I'd take you to the forest and there'd be like an old tour guide of the forest. And he'd be like, these nuts are walnuts. And these nuts are acorns. Everybody would be like, what the shit did I sign up for and I'd be like I pulled you all that's real copper yep that way stuck in the force like that son of a bitch the forest guy it'll be like he paid me a hundred thousand dollars to keep you all here, so you're not leaving.

Now all these forest people with guns show up. We can take them back to the house, can't we, Paul? That's the plan. That's what I would do. Great. All right, well, that's sports. That's sports. What is our big news story of the day uh oh yeah okay so oh yes some intense stories right now we got a man used fake twin to get out of tickets. Wait, what? A man used his...

Wait, a man used fake twin to get out of tickets. I assume that he just created a twin. A New Jersey man posed as his fictitious blind twin brother in a bid to delay court hearings on several motor vehicle summons. Alawale Agoro of Hackensack now faces charges of hindering apprehension, false swearing, and resisting arrest. Agoro received five summons during July 31st traffic stop, and during a September court appearance,

authorities said 58-year-old Agoro claimed to be his brother. 58 years old? Yep. This guy's great. This guy's great. This guy's great. I love it when, like, you know, middle-aged people just don't give shits anymore. And he's like, I can trick them. He said that he was his twin brother, Tony.

Suspicious of the claims, the officer who issued the tickets saw Aguero driving later that day and issued him three more tickets. driving later that day and issued him three more tickets. Ogoro then allegedly twice got adjournments after Tony sought them from court clerks claiming that Ogoro was in Nigeria mourning the death of their father. But a warrant was issued for his arrest this week after he failed to appear at a court hearing. He came to court the next day and once again claimed he was Tony. Court clerks became suspicious and contacted authorities who determined that Tony really was Agoro. Tony was unable to produce any identification and police matched a birthmark under his lip to the photo of Agoro's driver's license.

But they're twins! They're twins! They both have a birthmark. Yeah, they're twins. They're twins! This is like one of those... This is a Mrs. Doubtfire. This is a Mrs. Doubtfire thing.

They're standing on the roof. He's like, which one's the one I gotta kill? He's like, oh, it's me. Except there's only one person there. He's like, I don't know who to shoot. He's like, it's me. He's like, I can't tell between you two. There's just one guy.

Yeah. So, yeah. it's the story of tony it's gotta be something better there's gotta be one one thing here better uh hat stealing attack owl in oregon named official al capone all right have you have you seen this story what there's's an owl in Oregon in a park that if you run by it, it attacks you. And it's literally one of the biggest stories in the area. Oh, really? It's just an owl. It's just an owl. If you run by it, it attacks you.

Of course it is because you're in its territory. People are like, I'm just running through and this owl attacked me. I thought I was dead. This owl attacked me. It's like, well, no shit. Stop running by its nest, dummy! It's like where people are all like, ugh, this animal like was trying to get- It's like, yeah, we're building on their land. Like they were here- This owl came after me!

He's taking up residence in our park! Not your park, technically. We should file a lawsuit against the owl. We're gonna name him Owl Capone Get it? Get it? My children are going to be very upset That they cannot walk through the park anymore

If you go at night You're gonna get attacked If that's the worst thing you have to worry about In a park at night Then you're doing pretty good Oregon, you're doing pretty good Is that it? Is that our story? It's our story You're doing pretty good, Oregon. You're doing pretty good. Is that it?

Is that our story? It's our story. All right. Well, that's it for this episode. Thank you guys for watching. We'll be back next time with another. And as always, I want some hot chocolate..