Cox n' Crendor Show - Episode 96 - 50 Shades Of Letdown

Episode Date: March 6, 2015

Jesse and Crendor return to talk about what they've been doing since they were last in your ear holes.... it quickly devolves into 30 minutes of 50 Shades of Grey.

Hello everybody, it's time for Gax and Grendor in the morning! In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4 hour and 40 minutes! Recorded! Wake your ass up! It's Gax and Grendor in the morning! Welcome to Gax and Grendor in the morning! Poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo!

Gax and Grendor in the morning! Hello there, everybody. Welcome back to Gax and Grendor in the morning. Hey! I just want to point out that we have been very busy, and we have missed a lot of stuff. We have missed a lot of stuff. We missed a lot. We missed too much. February is also a short month. We got all caught up on our high horse of being internet famous at PAX

thinking we were so cool that we didn't deliver what the people want. Wait, what did they want? I assume more of us. More of our fame. Just want to hear us talk about things that's look sometimes that's all i want sometimes i look at my podcast list and i'm like all right there ain't nothing here i know all right nothing i get depressed so i understand

the need for podcasts that's why we're doing it that's's why it's happening. And I want to start off by letting you all know. Coca-Cola life. What? Now you might say, what the hell is that, Jesse? What the hell is that? Thank you. Jesse. Thank you.

So I was at the grocery store and I saw Coke in a green bottle. Uh-huh. And it says Coca-Cola life is the name of this drink coca-cola life coca-cola life is basically mexican coke but not only does it have cane sugar it also has stevia in it what stevia is just extra sweetener so basically they made mexican coke through an even more sweetener and called it coca-cola life what the but like isn't stevia like a weird sweetener and called it Coca-Cola Life. What the? But like, isn't Stevia like a weird sweetener? It's not even like... Yes, yes. So I have yet to taste this. I got it

just for this show. Oh, man. And I'm gonna let you know how I just opened it up before we started. I'm gonna let you know how it tastes. Okay. So it's in a bottle. It looks like it would be a Mexican Coke, but again, it's green. Yeah, I see. It's green. Just Google Coca-Colaola life you'll see it

okay okay first things first i'm the real it is it is very very like artificially sweet yeah like you know how if you take fake sweeteners and put them in your coffee or in your teas or whatever. Yeah. You can taste sort of the chemical-iness of it. Yeah. That's what this tastes like. Mexican Coke just has sugar cane in it, and this has that too, but then I guess they added more sweetener?

Yeah, why do they need more? It says it's a reduced calorie soda. Or cola, sorry. 35% fewer calories than regular Coke. i would not i would rather just have regular mexican coke than this like did they use the sweetener to make it seem like there's less calories in it i feel like that's why they did it i imagine so i just oh it's not very good yeah like i got five more of these upstairs I don't I wouldn't get it

because I hate those fake sweeteners I'd rather just have real sugar I don't care It's not very good What is Stevia? Exactly, what is that? That's a good question What is Stevia?

What is it really? I'm sure if we click Stevia, we'll get a website for it. Stevia is a... Live science. Is a sweetener and sugar substitute extracted from leaves of the plant stevia ribodiniana. So it has up to 150 times the sweetness of sugar. Oh, no wonder that's what it tastes like. No wonder that's what it tastes like. No wonder that's what it tastes like.

Holy crap. Sweet baby. It has like a super sweet aftertaste. Like an unnecessarily super sweet aftertaste. Does it taste like Diet Coke? No, it doesn't taste like Diet Coke. It tastes like someone took Coke and then added a weird sweetener to it. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hmm. Not a big fan sorry coke there are some health concerns surrounding the stevia plant stevia may cause low blood pressure which could be a concern to some taking blood pressure medications great may also interact with antifungals anti-inflammatories anti-micro i'm on all of those antivirirals, antisuppressants, calcium blockers, cholesterol-lowering drugs, drugs that increase urination, fertility agents, and other medications. Talk with your doctor before taking Stevia.

Stevia's taste has slower onset and longer duration than that of sugar. That explains why I taste it way after. Like, I still taste it. Yeah. That's so weird. Yeah, that's interesting. I'm not sure that it's good, but I like how they just call it Coca-Cola Life and made it green, so you think it's

healthy. One of my favorite, favorite tricks was taking classes about, um, like, I'm not sure what you would call that, about, like, marketing. Yeah, marketing. And how if you just make it green, people automatically assume it's healthy. Well, yeah, they do a lot of that. They either if you just make it green, people automatically assume it's healthy? Well, yeah, they do a lot of that.

They either do, they make it green, they make it all natural, quote. Pretty much that means nothing. Like, all natural just means. But I mean, like, just the color green is associated with health. Yeah. Like, if someone has a picture and you give it a green background, people will assume it's healthier, whatever it is. It's like the earth or plants. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah and red is

like a desire color which is why the background of most mcdonald's things were red for a while yeah and black is like rich that's what i thought yeah like very powerful and rich that's why it's like uh a lot of like like business suits and like black cars or like rich people driving around that's what i've always true from that and yeah like and so there's all yeah all the different colors mean like marketing means something and you can manipulate people that way yeah like a red it's like stop signs that's why they're red because it like alerts you but like you can use that marketing wise too like put it on a sign like a red sign so people stop and look at it yeah that's why's why Coca-Cola was read for. Now I have a green Coca-Cola bottle in front of me.

Coca-Cola Life. And it is taking mine because it is awful. There's a Coca-Cola Life commercial from Argentina. Of course there is. What? Bueno, Coca-Cola Life-o. My apologies, Argentina. They're just drinking Coca-Cola Life while their kid is born and while they're doing it.

What? Yeah. And then some guy, he's drinking the Coca-Cola Life and they're pregnant again. And he's like, oh my God, Coca-Cola Life. Is Coca-Cola Life, is it giving me the power to just impregnate people? Am I? If a woman comes near me, is she automatically pregnant when I drink this? Because I don't want that. Spoiler.

Not out to have kids. Coca-Cola life. Am I more fertile now that I have Coca-Cola life in me? I'm going to have to just say yes. I think they have some sort of fertility drug. Oh, Stevia. I'm feeling it. I feel it.

I feel it right now. Ladies, watch out. Well, speaking of watching out and life. Hold on. I'm trying to put this together. I'm trying to get this together. Speaking of Coke, it goes good on ice, right? Yeah. And someone almost got thrown in jail for life because his name had ice in it.

We missed Vanilla Ice getting charged with burglary in South Florida, Crandor. Oh my god. Vanilla Ice was arrested on February 18th and we didn't even talk. We didn't get a chance to talk about it. God. We missed everything. He was arrested and I didn't even know that his real name was Robert Van Winkle. Oh yeah,

I knew that. Vanilla Ice's name is Robert Van Winkle. That is, he's basically a Grimm's fairy tale. Yeah, I knew that. He's Rob Van Winkle. He's basically a Grimm's fairy tale. Yeah, I knew that. He's Rob Van Winkle. I didn't even know that. He's 47 years old, too. Vanilla Ice is 47? Well, I didn't know that.

My God. He's an old man. He's like middle-aged. That is crazy. I didn't know. I didn't know Vanilla Ice was almost 50. He looks pretty good for a 50-year-old. Oh, my God.

So the story was that he stole a pool heater, bicycles, and other equipment. Oh. Because I guess he has a moving company, or he works for a moving company. I don't know. But then he said, like, it was all a mistake. I don't know how the story ended, but I'd just like to imagine Vanilla Ice was thrown in jail. That's what I'm going to say the story ended. Why does everybody always say it was a mistake? I didn't know how the story ended, but I'd just like to imagine Vanilla Ice was thrown in jail. That's how I'm going to say the story ended. Why did everybody always say it was a mistake?

I didn't steal those things. I'm going to look this up. Vanilla Ice. What happened to Vanilla Ice on the internet? Vanilla Ice. Not ice cream. Not Ice Jojo. What the hell is Vanilla Ice Jojo?

Vanilla Ice Jojo? Who the hell is that? I think they're a traitor. This is like, who is this? This is like a Jojo's Bizarre Adventure. Is this an anime? Oh, the Jojo anime thing? I've heard of that.

Vanilla Ice is the last vampire created by Dio, the deadliest of his minions. What? I don't even. You know what? You know, I'm done. I'm done with you, anime. You just, you're stupid. You're stupid, anime.

Vanilla Ice Jail. Vanilla Ice on the 19th was released from custody. Vanilla Ice released from Florida Jail. Vanilla Ice released from Florida Jail. What about, what? Vanilla Ice released from Florida Jail after arrest on battery charges, 2008. Vanilla Ice, why are you in jail all the time? God, Vanilla Ice released from Florida jail after arrest on battery charges, 2008. Vanilla Ice, why are you in jail all the time? God, Vanilla Ice, maybe you need to go over Stevia Ice now.

Stevia on ice. It was a misunderstanding and totally blown out of proportion. That's what he said. Sure. All right, yeah. Whatever. Super blown out of proportion. Good to know that that's how far that story went.

No one is covering it now, so really we've covered everything else everyone else has. Great. Wow. We're just keeping up with the news at this point. Yeah, we're just keeping up. We left. Nothing changed. Yeah. Really? I don't know what you expect from us at this point. Nothing changed. Crandor, what'd you do? What'd you do

since the last podcast? Anything? Because I didn't do Jack. Last one, I went to the grocery store. I got coffee at places like Starbucks. I went to Ikea once.

I made some videos. I played some video games. I looked at the internet and I made some videos. I played some video games. Uh-huh. I looked at the internet. Wow. And did I do anything else? I don't think I did anything. I don't think I did anything at all.

I feel like there's something I'm missing. I'm trying to think of crazy fun things that happened. Wacky adventures. I saw the Fifty Shades of Grey. What? Why didn't you say anything? I forgot. We could have been talking about that.

What? Okay. i have not seen it tell me you have to tell me okay so as a person who has not read the book or and knew nothing about it i was like all right did it did it turn you on were you aroused by this movie i was not aroused however i mean it's like the scenes, like, they're actually, it's actually for the most part. Oh, okay, okay, okay. From the beginning. From the beginning.

Tell us about this movie. From the beginning. Don't try to give me the scene. Just from the beginning. From the beginning. There's the girl. I don't know. Do you know anything about it?

Like, have you read? I read, I, for, I think a fan Friday a while ago, I read the first few pages of Fifty Shades of Grey. I, for I think a fan Friday a while ago, I read the first few pages of Fifty Shades of Grey. So I know it literally starts out with her being like, my friend is so beautiful. And she just gets to lay in bed all day and be sick. And I've got to go drive to this job interview in my brand new car. And then it's two pages describing the car, which I'm pretty sure is an advertisement. And then it's like, man, that girl, she's so lucky.

She gets to stay at home. And I've got to go to this interview.. And I've got to go to this interview. And now I've got to go meet this guy. And my life is horrible. I'm going to go interview him. And then we'll see what happens. Right? That's that.

Well, in that case, the movie's a lot better. Because it got super Hollywooded up. First, it starts off where she's just, like, with that friend. And she's just like, you've got to take this interview for me. And she's like, oh, my God. I don't want to. And she's like, please. And she's just like you gotta take this interview for me and she's like oh my god i don't wanna and she's like please and she's like fine and she goes to gray enterprises i don't know by the way if that was ever if that was ever the name of a company it would not be the name of a company the company would have gone bankrupt no one invests in gray enterprise that just said like you know some gray enterprises are struggling again. Very gray.

Yeah, like, I imagine this in the news. Tonight, another person jumped off the gray enterprise building. The most depressing workplace in the world. And, like, so she walks in there, right? But, like, you still don't know what they do there. And then all these people work for them they do it there that's it's a super sexy place man but i don't know like but even the people working for them they're just like great things you are here to see mr gray and

she's like oh yeah i am like she's the stereotypical like plain girl that's like not super model hot but not like ugly she's just you know normal normal. And so she goes there, and she gets really intimidated by Mr. Gray, who's just like, I'm 27 years old, and I'm a millionaire, billionaire. And then he's like, yo, what? He's 27 in this? He's 27 in this. Is he supposed to be 27? What is he in the books?

I don't know. I would hope in the books he was, like, 50. He might be. Like, it might just be the Hollywood thing again, where, like would hope in the books he was like 50 he might be like it might just be the hollywood thing again where like she's 22 and he's 27 just to like not offend people yeah i like if he was just like a 50 year old man like i have fetishes okay so so uh she's like all right she gets really intimidated and she's, she's like, all right. She gets really intimidated. She's just like, answer my questions, please.

And he's like, I'd like to ask more about you and not me. And then she's like, oh. And. That's all it takes. Kristen Gray tells us a lot of things about talking to women. All it takes is not talking about yourself. I have a hard problem doing that. I can't do that. Yeah.

All you have to do is shut up and be like, tell me more about yourself. I can't do that. I have a problem. Not the Jesse way. Nope. I'm like, you know what I did today? What'd you do today? So many things. Let me tell you. I had Coca-Cola life.

I had Coca-Cola life. Have you ever had Coca-Cola life I had Coca-Cola life have you ever had Coca-Cola life no Jesse I haven't had Coca-Cola life it's so good in that it is the worst fucking drink I've ever had can I just tell you about it so yeah that happens and then they go

she goes back to her friend and she's like I didn't get all the interview questions but she's like oh my god he emailed me the answers to all the friend and she's like, I didn't get all the interview questions, but she's like, oh my god, he emailed me the answers to all the questions. And she's like, wow. And he's like, man, what a great guy. He's so amazing. And then she ends up going on like a second date with him because he's like, I enjoyed you. I'd like to meet up with you and ask you more questions about yourself.

Why did you pick her? I don't, like. No? I'm curious about this whole plot in this movie. Because I imagine Christian Grey has a lot of that girls. Yeah. Does that make sense to you? Like, he probably has four or five of that girl.

Yeah. And he's like, I want to show you my dungeon. She's like, is it only me you're going to spend time with? And he's like, yeah, sure. Yeah. Well, they talk more about that. At least. Okay. Anyway, then he they talk more about that. At least. Okay.

Anyway, then he keeps calling her and stuff. And he's like, I'd like to hang out with you. And she's like, I don't know. And then her friends just like, do it. Do it. And then. God, what does she do? She works at a hard.

How long are we into this movie right now, by the way? Probably like 15 minutes. Oh, my God. No one's done it yet. That's boring. No one's done it yet. okay uh she works at a hardware store of course she does and she's oh my god i saw a scene from the movie where it's her literally just like balling yarn for like five minutes yeah or no it's a scene online that was just like her like balling yarn i was like this is the stupidest. It's probably rope.

Cause she like, he's like, he goes to the, he shows up at the hardware store. Right. And she has like three guys that are hitting on her that she doesn't realize. And one of them is the hardware store guy. And he's just like, yo, like, is he going to bother you? And she's like, she's like, no, he just wants to buy things. And he buys like a cable ties and rope and whatever and she's like are you gonna murder someone and he's like no that is not my taste what yeah he's just like no i do not

do that and she's like whoa it's just it's the dialogue is here's the thing i don't care i don't care if he says he doesn't do that if you go buy cable ties and rope and shit at an armor store, you are a murderer. I don't care what anyone says. Definite murderer. You are going to murder someone tonight. Like, it would just be like, oh my god, he's so dreamy. He's buying all these cable ties and rope. I would call

the cops on that man the moment he left the store. I'd get his license plate number and be like, you should check his trunk. There's gonna be a shovel and some bags back there because he's going to find a body. Yep. Yeah, so that happens. And then she has this friend, Jose, and she's like, I'm about to graduate from college. And he's like, yo, I'll help you out with your homework and stuff.

And she's like, Jose, you're a great friend. And he's just like, yeah, maybe we can get dinner and stuff. And she's like, no, that's fine. You know Jose. She's like, yeah, maybe we can get dinner and stuff. And she's like, no, that's fine. You know, Jose. She's like, come on. Oh, Jose. He's the Keebler elf from our elf story. Yeah, he's the Keebler elf.

Exactly. He's the Keebler elf. I like how we can relate every one of these books slash movies to our elf story. He's the Keebler elf. And Christian Grey is the dark elf. Oh, no, he's the high elf. He's the high elf. He's the dark elf.

The dark elf is the guy who would be in the next book, who's worse than Christian Grey. Oh, he's the high elf. He's the dark elf. The dark elf is the guy who would be in the next book, who's like worse than Christian Crane. Oh, he's the shitty boss. He's like, my autoerotic asphyxiation problem. I want you to help strangle me. That's the dark elf character. He's in the next book. He's like, I swear to God, I just want to choke you while we do it.

Yep. Yep. So, yeah, that happens. I just want to choke you while we do it Yep So yeah That happens and then She goes to a bar and she gets really drunk right And she starts texting him and like calling him And be like you know what I like you But I don't know about you And then he's like where are you I will come pick you up

And then Jose starts being Wait whoa whoa whoa Christian Grave Drives out of his way to go pick up a drunk girl No he takes a chopper And Jose starts being... Does he go, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Christian Grave. Yeah. Drives out of his way to go pick up a drunk girl. No, he takes a chopper. Shut up. Yeah, he takes a chopper.

Be still my heart. He's already won me over. Yeah, he's like... Or no, he was in the hotel. He took the chopper to the hotel, and then he took one of his cars from the hotel. Did they show all of it? Yeah, they showed all of it. Do slow-mo walk out of the hotel,

or the helicopter into the hotel kind of thing. No, but after he picks her up, he takes her back to his hotel in the chopper. They show all that. So. Of course. Then Jose tries to hit on her. He's just like, yo, come on, just one kiss. And she's like, Jose, I don't see you that way.

And he's just like, come on, come on, please. And then she's like, no, wow. And then Christian Grey comes in. He's like, yo, she said no. And he, like, shoves him off. And that's when he takes her back to the hotel. And then Christian Grey comes in. He's like, yo, she said no. And he like shoves him off. And that's when he takes her back to the hotel. And then they do it then? No.

He takes off her clothes, puts her in bed, feeds her toast. And she wakes up. Is she naked though? Is she naked at this point? She wakes up in new clothes. And she's like, wait, did we do it? And he's like, no, I do not sleep with women. And then she's like, whoa, what? Yeah, that's what I was like, what he's like, no, I do not sleep with women. And then she's like, whoa, what?

Yeah, that's what I was like. What? And he's like, I do not sleep with women. I have different tastes. And then he like goes up to her and like bites a piece of her toast. What? Yeah. And then he's like, keep eating.

You will need to get over your hangover. And then she's like, oh, OK. Oh my God, he's basically a horrifying robot. He is. He talks like a, he's basically a horrifying robot. He is. He talks like a robot. I am a robot. Like, I was like. I'm trying to determine love.

I was trying to figure out if she wrote him like a robot in the book, because he's legit like a robot in this movie. Okay, anyway, so continue. You're doing us a service, because many of us will never see this film. Yeah. Ever. So, okay. Then, she's like, so you saw me naked? And he's like, of course.

You threw up on your clothes and I had to take you out of them and put you in new clothes. And then she's like, oh. And then he's like, my driver has went out and bought you some more clothes for things. And she's like, oh, wow. So, all right. So, another tip. Buy things for women. They will fall in love with you.

Yeah. Great. Okay. So, then after that, she goes back to her apartment or whatever. And then turns out Christian Grey's, like, douchey brother guy who's just like, yeah, party, man. He gets it on with her, like, roommate. Of course. They walk in, taking her home, and it's the roommate and his brother doing it.

And they're just like, oh my god. Oh, do we get to see anything? You do get to see some things. Like what? Was there some nip? Some bush? What are we talking about, Crandor? Well, for that scene, it was just her in lingerie thing.

So far, this is the most un-erotic movie. How far are we into this movie? Are we an hour in? I'd say half an hour. Wow, all this stuff happened in half an hour? Yeah. Holy shit, okay. Yeah, there's no character buildup.

It's just like, boom, you're in. This is half an hour of movie, and we have already established a strong relationship. I would also say a solid ten minutes of it is just, like, driving scenes and, like, phone calls and text messages. Gotta pad out that tension. Are they? Will they? Won't they do it? Yeah.

And so then she's like, why don't you come back to. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay. Have we seen any wiener yet? I think you may have seen the brother's wiener, but I'm not positive. Okay, okay, that's look, that's something. There's gotta be some kind of something happening at this point.

But it's getting close. We're 30 minutes in to an adult erotica. If there's not any genitals, I'm disappointed. Yeah, so, then, she's like, uh, what? She's like, I don't know if I want to keep seeing him. But then he's like, I'm going to fly you back to like my place in Seattle, like his mansion or whatever.

And her roommates like, do it, do it. And she's like, OK, I guess I'll do it. And so they like he picks her up in the chopper. Right. And then he flies her back to the mansion. And he's just like, I told you my taste or not of your style. And then she's like,

I don't know about that. And so that's when he shows her like the room. Right. He like takes her to the room and he's like, you, anytime you feel uncomfortable, you are free to go. And she's just like, I don't know what you're talking about. And then they go to the room and she's just like what is this stuff and he's

just like it is my playroom it is where i play i told you i do not like to sleep with women i like to do things that are not sleeping with women but other things like that's just how he talks i'm like all right crazy person yeah and so i like to murder women all right yeah continue and so just walks around the playroom when are they gonna start actually doing it uh i mean the only thing leading up to the playroom thing where they do something is they make out in the elevator oh my god like that was it up until the playroom so then she's like oh i don't know and then after the play how much making out we talking like make oh, no. And then after the playroom... How much making out are we talking? Like, make out, make out, or like, doing it, make it out?

Like, just make out, make out for like two floors, and then the door opens and people walk in, and they're like, oh my god, we got caught. So, then he shows her the playroom thing after he takes her there in the chopper, and he's like, you can move in here, you can do whatever, it'd be awesome. And she's

just like, I don't know. And he's like, well, how experienced are you? And she's like, I'm not experienced. And then he's just like, wait, what? You are a virgin? And she's like, yeah. Great. And then he's like, well, I will have to rectify this situation. That's also creepy.

Yeah. And then that's when they do it so then he like takes her to the bedroom is it a very sensual first time of course it is gross all right so they even have like the drama oh my god it was the greatest camera shot so like he puts her do they do the butt the butt shot yeah they do the butt shot like his weird thrusting butt but it's even better than that he puts her on the bed and he like takes off her clothes right and then you can see some of her pubic hair and they they show the boobs full-on dude i love you describing this to me i'm not gonna lie this may be the best continue please okay so there's this full-on boob, and then there's butts, and she's just on the bed, and they're playing this music, right?

And he puts his hand on her chest, and he just slides it down, and when he gets to the groin region, the music is like... It's like a drop in the bass, really. And she's just like, ugh. And she just thrusts up like, ugh. And then he's all robotic-like. And he just takes off his clothes. And then they do the butt shot.

And they show him going in. I'm sorry, what? I'm sorry, what? They show him going in. I'm sorry. But I'm sorry, what? I'm sorry, what? They show him going in. I'm sorry. But I don't mean like... Like they show it? No, not like close-up porno or something.

Oh, I was about to say, like, that is full-on triple X right there. Yeah, they don't show... They show, like, him going in from back, like the butt shot. Oh, okay, the butt shot. Uh-huh. Yeah, and then they do... Now we're getting good. What timestamp is this, by the way?

It's probably an hour. My God, all right. Maybe 45 minutes. Now, are we at, like, soft core levels? It's probably an hour. My God. All right. Maybe 45 minutes. Now, are we at, like, soft core levels? Yeah, we're at soft core now. Nice. Okay. So then it shows.

So basically this young version is being banged by an old robot. Gotcha. Keep going. No, like a young robot. Old robot. He's 50 years old. I don't care what they say. Not my Christian Grey.

Hashtag not my Christian Grey. He is 50 years old i don't care what they say not my christian gray hashtag not my christian gray he is 50 years old okay so they do the whole they do like a skyward back shot of him right and they're doing it but like then they pan like forward and so it sees like the paintings on the wall and then it pans up to like a mirror on the ceiling of them doing it. Oh, do you see his like full butt thing? Yeah, you see the butt. You see the butt and the boobs. That is like the the, like that's a shot for the ladies. That is like

the butt thrust shot. That is a shot, like the director was like, let's give one for the ladies. This is for the ladies. Yeah, and so then You're very descriptive with this scene. I would have shied away from the description. You are digging in.

No, you gotta go full deets. That's what this movie's all about. Because, I mean, aside from this, there's no other deets in the movie. I guess that's true. Look, they made people wait an hour for this. Yeah. Everybody in the theater's just like, when are they gonna do it? And they're like, yeah, they did it. Yeah. Everybody in the theater is just like, when are they going to do it? And they're like,

yeah, they did it. Were you in a crowded theater? It's funny because we sat up front because it's like the super awesome seats where nobody sits and they got the reclining chairs

and everybody else was sitting in the back and I feel like there was like eight couples in the back and you could tell they were hoping nobody else would be there probably.

But there were there's a bunch of people in the back like baby we're gonna fool around in the movie theater if you wanna okay sugar plum and like i'm okay with they all get there and then everyone sits down around the back row is completely filled there's no one else there legit was like completely filled in the back like whatever i don't know why you would want to, like, fool around to this movie because it's, like, the dumbest thing I think I've seen in a while. Uh-huh. Okay, so after they do it... After they do it... What happens? And she's like,

I'm in the bed. Like, we did it. And then he's gone. And she's like, where'd he go? And he's just playing the piano. In his, like, mansion. He's just like... And he's just playing the piano. And she walks up to him. Yeah! And it's, like, dark. Like, it's nighttime. It's, like, two in the morning. He's just playing the piano, and she walks up to him. What? Yeah, and it's, like, dark. Like, it's nighttime.

It's, like, two in the morning. He's just playing the piano. Uh-huh. And so she goes up to him, and she just, like, de-robes again and just gets on him, and they do it again. Wait, at the piano? Well, he, like, picks her up and then takes her back to the bedroom. They don't show it this time. They're just like, oh, yeah, they went and did it.

Wait, so, do you see? Hold on, hold on. Is it so good that she passes out, and then she wakes up later to find him on the piano? Yeah. Okay, and so do we know how much time has passed? No, I'd probably say an hour or two. All right, I'm just saying. It's a little, all of it's very weird, but okay.

So that happens, and then they go back and do it, and then she wakes up in the morning, and he's asleep next to her, and he was like, I never sleep with women. And she's wakes up in the morning and he's like asleep next to her. And he was like, I never sleep with women. And she's like, oh, my God, he slept with me. He must love me. And so she goes and she's all happy and like dancing. She makes breakfast. And then his mother shows up.

What? Yeah, his mother shows up and she's just like. Whoa, pause. Hold on. He lives in the same house as his mom and he has a playroom? No, she knows. He lives in the same house as his mom and he has a, like, playroom? No, no, she knows where he lives, but she doesn't, like, live there. She just visits randomly and she's like, I came over without calling because I knew you wouldn't answer. And then she's like, oh, you have a woman here.

She's like, you've never had a woman when I've seen you. And then he's like, my mother has never seen me with a woman before. And so she's like, mother has never seen me with a woman before and so she's like wow the robot and she's like you can join us for dinner one day or one night this week and she's like that'd be great and he's just like yes it would be and so uh she's like your mother seems very nice and so he's like so about the agreement you will be my submissive. And she's just like, but we slept together, did stuff. And he's like, I told you I do not sleep with women. And she's just like, but we slept together. And he's like, I know, but I do not sleep with women.

And it's just like, what's going on? What? Yeah. He just keeps denying it. And then. What is even happening? Okay. Anyway.

Yeah. Okay. So moving past that uh then she goes and graduates college or whatever and then the newspaper like gets a picture of them together and they're like oh my god they're a couple like christian gray's found his like woman the rich kid and finds the girl or whatever and then he's like yeah you here's a contract for you and she's like a contract and he's like yes the contract of you belonging to me is my submissive and then she's like oh my god and she's like i'll have to look it over and he's like if you do it you'll move to seattle and

all these things she's in portland and so uh she keeps thinking about it and they do the big montage of her thinking about it. And he's at work. And then she's exercising and being like, I don't know if I want to do this. And she looks up pictures online like, oh my god, that's a submissive. And then he's just sitting in his office like, have you looked over the contract? And all those things happen. And then she's like, all right, I'll move to Seattle.

What else is she going to do? She's got nothing else going on. Just do it. Yeah, she just works at a hardware store. I have a feeling if I watch this movie, I'd be frustrated the entire time. I'm like, just do it. You have nothing else going on in your life. You probably would be.

I mean. She's yelling at the screen like, oh, my God. Why don't you just sign the contract? Yeah. So then she ends up going to Seattle, and then, he's like, so what do you think of the contract? And she moves there, and she's like, lol

don't like it, bye, nice meeting you, or something. Like, she just tries to get rid of him, like, from her life? But then, cause she's, cause she's afraid! Oh, she's the one, she's the one who's afraid of emotional attachments, not him. But then.

And then they have to play, like, a sad song. Then he shows up at her house, and he's like, you forgot about me. And she's like, Christian, what are you doing here? And then they do it again. But this time, he, like, ties her up with a tie. And he, like, ties her hands up with a tie. Oh, wait. That's right.

He tied her hands up with a tie oh wait that's right he tied her hands up with a tie before before the mother came over but they had to stop because the mother came and he was like don't move or say anything and then she moved he's like i told you not to move and she's like yeah but he was like super serious like crazy person and uh so then this time he's like this is the tie i used and i will use it again and she's like okay and then they do it again and uh then she's like so look over the contract she's like okay but then this time she like starts really getting into the contract and she's like i want to have a business meeting to discuss the contract and he's like fine so she goes back to gray headquarters and they have this business meeting

and she tries to be all sarcastic. He's like, what are you going to wear to the business meeting? And she's like, I'll wear a potato sack or some shit. And he's just like, ha ha, very funny. And then she ends up wearing a dress that's like a beige, like a potato sack.

And he's just like, nice potato sack. And she's like, ha ha. And I was like, this is the dumbest thing. I swear to God, thank you for watching this for all of us because I could not sit through this movie. Yeah, so then they have this business meeting. Is it almost over? It's almost over.

Are they going to start doing it? Jesus. So then they talk about the things they'll do and won't do, right? And she's like, I don't want this thing. I don't want that thing. And he's like, but I like that thing. And she's like, too bad. And then he's like, I like this business meeting.. I don't want that thing. And he's like, but I like that thing. And she's like, too bad. And then he's like, I like this business meeting.

I will even give you one date a week. And she's like, wow, a date like a movie and dinner. And he's like, yes, I shall grant you this. And it's just dumb. And then she doesn't sign the contract still. And then they end up going to dinner with his parents. And then she says something to the parents he doesn't like and then he spanks her and she's like christian oh my god and then

he's like this is what it would be like to be my submissive and then he like takes her back to the playroom the one time and i'm just fast forwarding now because it's just please do please do and uh he like takes her to the playroom he's just just like, yeah, now we're going to do stuff. And then they do stuff. And then he tells her that his mom was a prostitute and that his mom's friend that, like, took him in or something to raise him, like, made him a submissive and, like, was abusive to him. And that's why he is the way he is and he can't form emotional attachments. And then she's like, but why are you this way? I'm like, he just told you why he's this way because he got abused and shit.

And then she just keeps asking him that. And I'm like, are you serious? It's seriously like she's like, but why are you this way? And he's like, because I'm abused. And she's like, but why are you this way? I'm like, because he got abused. So how does this shit end? So it ends with her being like, do you really want to hurt me?

Do you really want to hurt someone you love? And he's like, uh, that is what I said I would do to you. And then she's like, do the worst thing you can imagine to me. And so he takes her to the playroom thing. And he like. Kills her. And he like. The end.

Thank God. He whips her with a cane thingy, like one of those stick things, and he's like, count as I hit you. And she's like, one, two, and she starts crying. And he does it six times, and then she just storms out of the room crying. I was like, that's it?

That's the worst thing he could have done? Just hit her with a, spank her with a stick six times? Okay, so then what happens? So then she's like, I'm done seeing you and he's like, no, wait. And then she gets into the elevator and he goes up, he runs up to the elevator and she's like, stop! And then he's like what? And she's like, goodbye

Christian. And he's like, goodbye. And then she, the elevator closes and that's how it ends. This whole thing is a giant waste of time! It was whole thing is a giant waste of time. It was. It was a giant waste of time. Wait, so they don't end up together in the end? She doesn't end up getting into it?

Well, apparently, in the next book, I went and looked up the Cliff Notes, because I don't give a shit, and I just want to see how it ends. In the next book, they get back together. Of course they do. Of course they do. And then an abusive boss guy tries to, like, get with her, and then his company gets bought by

Christian Grey's company and it's just like he rescues her. She ends up getting on with the boss? No. And then the boss tries to like kidnap them and then the boss tries to kill them and she gets pregnant with Christian's baby but then she has a gun and she kills the boss. It's the

stupidest storyline. It's dumb. Spoilers. You don't even need spoilers. Don't see this. Don't read it. Don't do anything. It's dumb.

We just spent so much time talking about this. I know. Well, I mean, I think that's a whole episode. I don't even know that we can get to actual news stuff. Yeah, I don't. We'll have to do that tomorrow. We'll have to do it tomorrow, because I don't, I mean, I think that's the whole episode. I don't even know that we can get to actual news stuff. Yeah, I don't. We'll have to do that tomorrow. We'll have to do it tomorrow because I don't, I mean, we have ruined ourselves with Christian Gray. That's the movie book.

I mean, I guarantee the movie's probably better than the book, which is really sad because the movie's awful. Oh, you know people are going to be like, the book is so good. The passion, the sexiness between the two of them, it can only be written in word. It was just, we were like at points we would just like laugh during, because it was like such cheesy, bad dialogue. And I guarantee there's like people in the back like, oh my God, who are those people up front laughing? This is a serious film. Baby, this is the sexiest thing I've ever seen. Like legit. Not as sexy as you, Ronaldo. Right, baby. Baby, this is the sexiest thing I've ever seen. Like, legit. Not as sexy as you, Ronaldo.

Right, baby. Yeah. So, yeah. Terrible movie. I wouldn't see it. I like, look, I might have to see this now. It sounds awful enough to be good. I feel like it has that, what's that movie?

What's that terrible movie we saw? Divergent? It's like a sexual divergent. Did you hear? Oh my god, did you hear that the new Tomb Raider series of movies is being written by the Divergent guy? Oh yeah, I did hear that. Oh my god. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. You have no clue. But it's like that same style. It's like it's so bad, yet it's bad enough where you're just like, well, now I want to know what happens. But, like, I don't. Yeah, I feel like having looked at it and seen the trailers and things, it is like the soft, like, somewhere there are real people into Bondage who are like, that is not at all what we do.

Yeah. But apparently in the book, too, they, like, don't use safe words and he's abusive. But in the movie, he, like, keeps referencing, like, there's safe words and you'll be okay and you can stop whenever. So, like, they obviously added that in. I feel like if this was a movie where he was like an old balding fat man, this wouldn't be nearly as sexy. Yeah. The only reason why it's sexy is because it's like some young hot stud. But like, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that's not the case for most people.

Yeah. I would have to. He's a rich, he's a billionaire playboy. He's a rich, he's a billionaire playboy. He's Batman, basically. It's like if Batman came up to you and was like, I'm into some crazy shit, let's do it. You'd be like, all right, sure thing, Batman, because you're Batman. Yeah, he's Batman. You're Bruce Wayne, man, of course.

Yeah, that's what he's got going for him. Christian Grey was like Christian White, and he was an old, droopy-faced, balding 80-year-old. Christian Maroon. Christian Maroon 5. I like to spank the girls. That'd be creepy. That'd be creepy. Yeah, that's like, oh, God, please stop.

Yeah, I'd be like, please, sir, you're creeping me out. I have a room for playing around. You're going to have to help me into the harness. I'm hungry. Will you feed me baby food? I don't have my glasses. What happened in the stock market? We should write a book about where an 80-year-old guy goes after a college girl,

and she's just like, no, leave me alone. And she ends up with the guy who works at the same place as her, because that's normal and not at all weird that she would end up like, I'm going to go hang out with this older man who is a billionaire. We have so many great book ideas. That would be a great book Fifty Fifty Shades of Pale

And it's just like I'm old Oh my god That's the quote on the front Fifty Shades of Pale At the end of the movie After she's like crying or whatever He's like looking out the window And he legit he's just like

I guess I'm Fifty Shades of F'd Up And I was like looking out the window and he legit, he's just like I guess I'm 50 shades of effed up. And I was like that is the stupidest line I think I've ever heard. So yeah. I just can't even. I give it a I give it 14 shades out of 50. There you go.

That's the movie review. That's the Crandor review. Alright, well that's it for this podcast. We'll be. That's the movie review. That's the Crendor review. Alright, well, that's it for this podcast. We'll be back tomorrow with another real one. And, as always, to be continued.