Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan - #124: Just Ask! The 10 Rules You Need to Ask With Confidence with Heather!

Episode Date: June 23, 2021

Why is asking for what you want so hard sometimes!? We can be so afraid of asking that we are depriving ourselves and others of amazing opportunities. So here is the truth: It is our JOB to ask and let the other person make the decision. Don’t decide for them! And this week I share the 10 basic rules of asking from my book, Confidence Creator. I also cover tips for speaking, the evolution of working for yourself, and how to know when you are in a toxic environment.  Rate, Review, and Subscribe to the podcast here! To inquire about my coaching program opportunity visit https://mentorship.heathermonahan.com/    Review this podcast on Apple Podcast using this LINK and when you DM me the screen shot, I buy you my $299 video course as a thank you!    My book Confidence Creator is available now! get it right HERE   If you are looking for more tips you can download my free E-book at my website and thank you! https://heathermonahan.com    *If you'd like to ask a question and be featured during the wrap up segment of Creating Confidence, contact Heather Monahan directly through her website and don’t forget to subscribe to the mailing list so you don’t skip a beat to all things Confidence Creating!     See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Come on this journey with me. Each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals. We'll overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow. And welcome back. I'm so excited. You're back here with me again this week. This week I wanted to get into the concept of asking. Here's why. So funny thing happened. I was at the chiropractor and I was complaining that, during coronavirus times, when we couldn't be indoors to work out, we were working out outside. And it was so beautiful. And I was so grateful and loved it. However, now Soul Cycle has changed that. And they've put us in this really small, dark room inside of a hotel. And I miss being outside. And I was just talking to my chiropractor about, where else could I work out that I could possibly be outside or in bigger space or I need to mix it up somehow? I can't just stay in this

routine if I'm not really excited about it anymore. It doesn't make sense. And I was in a rut. And he said to me, okay, you've got to go boxing. I am not a boxer. Clearly, we know that I am not a boxer. And I said, oh my gosh, that sounds like a guy thing. That sounds dirty. That sounds like tattoos and not my scene. And he said, sounds like you don't want to go. You should go. Which totally reminded me of when a friend of mine told me I should take a stand-up comedy class. I didn't want to do it. He made me do it. I did it. And I'm so grateful I, I did. That's where I realized that my ability to stand on a stage and speak wasn't something everyone had. It was a unique difference about me, and I really started to lean into it after that class.

So I thought, okay, if I feel uncomfortable and I feel scared, I need to do it. Here's another reason why I need to do it, because I'm speaking for Harvard this week for the first time. Now, you know I've been teaching there, but being hired as a keynote speaker for Harvard is different than teaching there. It's a different audience. You're paid through a different division. You work with a different division of people on the technical side to set up. And again, I'm going to get ratings and reviews, right? So at least this time going in, I know that. So this is a big step for me. This is, you know, holy grail of speaking. You want to speak at Harvard. You want to be a paid speaker for Harvard. And after this week, I will be. So of course, I'm a little bit nervous. You know,

anytime I go to that next level and start taking on bigger goals and bigger opportunities, you get a little nervous, completely normal. So if there's something I can do to help build more confidence of myself, knowing that I can step into unknowns and survive them and thrive, it will give me that proof and that momentum to go into this weekend and nail this speech for Harvard. So I did it. So I went to the dirty boxing place. Well, actually, yeah, okay, I'll tell you that this part. So I went to the dirty boxing place. Yes, there was lots of guys. There are lots of tattoos, not my scene. However, it was a woman that only establishment. She was so nice. She spent time with me. She helped me. She wrapped me. She wrapped my hands for me because I didn't

know how to do it. There was another woman that was there. She was explaining to me how to do things. You know, I ended up having a great response to this very out of my comfort zone workout and place where I didn't know anyone. And it worked out great. People were so kind, so supportive. So I'm speaking to the owner after class. And I told her, oh, my chiropractor suggested I come. And she said, oh, really? We talked a little bit more. come to find out her best friend is my photographer. And she says, I wonder why you're just, if you've known your photographer for three years, why are you just learning about my boxing establishment now? And I said, well, your best friend never told me. It was one of those yet again epiphany moments where my photographer is very sweet and kind and she never wants to bother anyone. And she probably thought

she'd be bothering me if she told me, oh, hey, I want to let you know. I know you live, you know in Miami Beach and there's a boxing place there. My friend owns it. I'd love it if you'd check it out. She probably thought she'd be bothering me. However, her not telling me about it was a disservice, right? Because here I was looking for new places to work out. Her friend wants new customers. And my photographer never thought to mention that maybe I'd like to check it out and take a class. So don't make decisions for other people when someone says, hey, will you ask, you know, so and so for this or that? don't say, oh, that'll be a bother for them. Let them decide if it's for them. Let them decide if they need that information or not. They'll let you know. Hey, thanks so much for asking, not interested,

or, wow, thank you for telling me that. I had no idea. I'm going to jump on the opportunity. But don't make decisions for other people. Let them decide. It's our job to ask. And to that end, I think I mentioned this to you last week. I'm in this process with my new book, Overcome Your Villains, where they want the book endorsed by different. people. What a difference three years makes because three years ago was having my friends endorsed my book, because I didn't know any better and I had no idea. And now I've got unbelievable names like Chris Boss. I'm so excited endorsing my book. Amy Moore's amazing authors. And then to the point of asking, I mentioned, I called my good friend Scott and I said, listen, I'm going through this process. And we were

brainstorming. I said, here's the people I'm thinking of asking. Of course, when you ask people, not everyone's going to say, yes, some people are going to be too busy out of town, whatever. I said, so if you have any other ideas, I'd love it if you'd share with me or if you could ask anyone in your circle, I'd love that too. I just asked. And he said, sure, he said, why don't I ask Brandy Chastain, freaking gold Olympic medal winner, World Cup champion, you know, completely different circle than the authors I'd already been getting to endorse my book. I said, oh my gosh, that would be amazing. But I really didn't think much of it because oftentimes, especially if you don't have a personal connection, why would someone go out of their way for you? Well, wouldn't you know

I woke up yesterday to an email forwarded from Brandy Chastain endorsing my book. And not only was I, oh my gosh, I could cry. I was so grateful, so unexpected, so kind, but it was really personal and which is thoughtful, right? It took her a lot of time to sit down and write out what she did. I can't wait for you to see it on the book. It's freaking so badass and amazing. But none of that would have happened if I didn't jump on a call with my friend to brainstorm who I should be asking and then specifically ask him, hey, could you help me? And then, of course, he had to be willing to reach out to her and ask, and she was super happy to do it. So again, you never know how someone else will respond. I wished that my photographer had told me about her best friend's boxing studio three years ago,

because I could have been incorporating that into my workout years ago instead of just starting now. But it did all work out because I stepped into my fear. I went into the dirty, scary boxing gym. It went unbelievable. I'm going back again this week. And it's giving me the momentum to step into more fear this week as I go into my first keynote speech for Harvard. So that's the moral destroy. Now, another interesting thing that's going on.

Three years ago, I did my first book, Confidence Creator. Now I'm doing my second book with HarperCollins Leadership Overcom. become your villains. What's different is I was the publisher the first time. So anytime I had to check in on something, I checked in with me. I would say, Heather, should you do the audible version of your book? Hmm, yes, you should. You're going to be great at it. Go for it. And I would just do it. Well, now it doesn't work out that way. This week I had my publisher, my point of contact is a woman named Sarah. She's amazing. And I had sent her a note saying, we have a marketing meeting coming up this week as we're, you know, within the six-month window to book launch, and we're going to go over strategies and game plan.

And I said, hey, Sarah, I want to get started on doing the audible version of the book. As we know, we're in our final round of edits now. We're getting really close within the next week or two. It'll be finalized. And she said, oh, did you audition yet? Excuse me? Did I audition? She said, you know, you need to audition.

What you need to do is you need to read a chapter or two of your book into your phone, shoot the audio over to me, and I'll send it to the head of audio for HarperCollins leadership, and he'll decide if you get to read the audible version of your book. And I immediately got so nervous, but then I had to remind myself, number one, I've done an audible version before. I am the narrator of confidence creator, and it's freaking so good and the reviews are amazing on it, right? I know I did a great job. Then I've had two years of practice doing this show, this podcast. That's got to help me get better. But then I talked to my girlfriend yesterday, and I was telling her this whole situation, and she said, well, let me just give you some feedback. I listen to a lot of audible versions of books. The voices are very much flat and they don't get really excited or really low. And, you know, it just seems more monotone. I'm just going to give you that direction, Heather. And I thought, oh, that's not me. I really don't want to do it that way. So it's going to be interesting to see, one, how I submit, because I have to pick which chapter to read.

And do I keep my voice monotone or do I animate my voice? I don't know. It just, these are all the things that you think through as a rookie author working through a publisher for the first time. And I really want to be the audible narrator. It's super important to me. So keep your fingers crossed. I'll let you know as soon as I hear back. I am submitting it this week. So hopefully I'll hear back in the next two weeks if I get it. And oh my gosh, let us pray that I do. All right. So I'm going to read you right now. one of the chapters, chapter 28 in my first book, Competence Creator, is called Just Ask. And to this theme this week of asking for what you want, I want to share some of my hacks and some of my tips. So here we go, and you're helping me to practice my narrating for Audible audition that I have this week.

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Some situations require a little bit of finesse, but it all comes down to how you ask. Recently, I was at a Dolphins game with my girlfriend who wanted to get a plastic cup for her husband, but plastic cups are apparently held hostage at certain stadiums. Clearly, this was before the coronavirus. We were at one of those stadiums because she asked nicely and was still denied the cup. She came to me and asked that I work my magic. That made me laugh. Working my magic meant that I would go up to the counter and convince someone to give me a cup.

Whenever you find yourself in a situation where it's difficult to ask for what you want, try to remember these 10 basic rules. One, have courage. You will only ever get what you have the courage to ask for. This is true in the stadium as it is in everyday life. So why not ask for what you want? If you don't, someone else will, and you'll be bummed out that they got the plastic cup that was meant for you.

Two, stay confident. Get your mind right before you act. Sometimes that's channeling Beyonce's Sasha fierce. I convince myself that nothing will knock me down. I'm on point. I've got this. Do whatever you have to do to get your mind right. Listen to music that fires you up. Think of a time you achieve something beyond your greatest dreams. Grab onto that feeling and use it as motivation that this can work to.

Three, smile. Never underestimate the power of a friendly smile. So true. When you approach a stranger with a big smile, it's hard not to smile back. You've also opened the door for a conversation. Four, consider your approach. When you walk up to someone you don't know, you have to be friendly and authentic. For me, that means being upbeat, not as optimistic. For you, it might mean cracking jokes or giving a compliment. Be yourself, put your best foot forward, and make a quick connection. Five, give off a good vibe. The vibe you put out is usually the vibe you will get back in return. When you stand tall, smile, and are open to meeting others, you are more likely to get that same attitude back in return. Make it clear that you are there to be positive and you are asking for help. Six, prepare yourself to be uncomfortable. There is that brief period after you ask for what you want when you have to wait for their response. That is when things can get uncomfortable. It's so easy to walk away or doubt yourself. Power through.

Smile and don't say anything. Let things play out before you respond. She or he who speaks first after the ask loses. 7. Be relentless. Relentlessness doesn't have to be a negative. Once someone answers with a reason why she or he can't give me what I want, I say something like this.

I know you can do this. Come on. I'm sure there's a way we can make this happen. Often, people are so surprised by this that they quickly give you what you asked for. You just want to make sure that you remain positive and friendly the entire time. Eight. Don't accept no. If you have truly tried everything and you keep getting turned down, then you need to

kick it up to the next level. I would suggest saying, I know that you can't make this happen, but is there someone who can? Is your boss able to do this? Is he or she here? Nine, be ready to pivot. Conversations can take a turn at any moment. You need to be ready to laugh or ultimately meet with a manager who might be annoyed you called them over. Be ready for anything and try to have fun with it. Ten, practice makes perfect. If you practice these steps over time, You will come and ask ninja. You will become the person your friends turn to when they need plastic cups during a football game. You have nothing to lose.

The most important thing to remember is that you didn't have the cup when you started, so it's not the end of the world if you don't get it. Now, just be careful what you ask for. Okay, that's my audition for you today. Actually, that was Confidence Creator, Chapter 28, Just Ask. I did narrate that book. I am the narrator on Audible for that one, and I am going for this audition to be the narrator for the audible version of Overcome

Your Villains. Keep your fingers crossed. I'm so excited. Okay, hold tight. We're going to be right back and I'm going to be answering your questions next. Okay, the first question I got was on a DM sent to me from LinkedIn. It says, hey, Heather, I'm looking to build my keynote speaking business in 2022. I would be grateful if you would be willing to give me some feedback and advice on demystifying this process. My TEDx talk is about technology and disrupting human trafficking. It's in August and my book is coming out. So in September, she goes on and on about what she's working on. I admire what you've accomplished and what can you share to help me. So here's the thing, great that you've got a TEDx talk coming up. That's amazing and fantastic that you have a book coming out. That's a huge deal.

But here's the thing. When it comes to speaking, and I was just working with a woman this week on the speech that she gave on Friday. So it's all about practice, right? It's about getting up and taking the swings. For me, I was a sales manager in corporate America for 20 plus years. Every day, I was speaking somewhere. I was speaking to the sales team. I was speaking in, you know, presentations, speaking at events. So practice is what gives you that confidence and competence to get up and be at ease and at your best. And to see what lands with an audience to you. That's another really important thing. I keep a document on my computer at all times. And it's essentially when I give a speech, you get notes from people after

on social media. I love blah, blah, blah, or this was great, or in the reviews that you get, people will tell, they'll point to what they liked. I always keep that file live, and it's always changing and evolving. I put in that file what landed with people, what they liked, so that I know to incorporate that in my next talk. The other thing I do is I do a bullet point outline. Use stories. Anytime you're speaking, you want to engage people with a personal story to pull them in before you get into your teachings or the lesson that you know you're covering. But definitely use story and you want to practice in front of an audience ahead of time. You want to go to the venue that you're going to be speaking at ahead of time. Immerse yourself in there and I would definitely visualize as well. When I did my TEDx talk, I actually wrote the entire thing out so that I could see it visually. The amount of work I did for that I practice every single. day. I practice to my empty living room hundreds of times. I practice to a speaker coach. I went and hired. I invested in myself. I hired a coach to give me suggestions. She had great tips like use your

hands to count out. There's five steps here and put your hand up to own big moments and be powerful not only with how you're using your voice, but also with your body. Right. So invest in yourself, hire a speaker coach, practice, go to the venue, practice in front of multiple different people. practice alone, but practice as much as you don't want to hear it, is definitely the key. Okay, so next question, looking for advice. I'm 48, 10-year Army disabled veteran, 20 years corporate, and looking to find a way to reinvent while still earning. So here's the thing.

He's suffering burnout and believes there's a better way for the next chapter of his life, but doesn't know what to do looking for options. Listen, I feel you on this one. Well, first of all, thank you for your service because that's amazing. But I feel you on that sense that you're burnt out. You don't know what's next. You need the income, but you don't know where to go. That is exactly how I felt just a little over three years ago when I was still in corporate America. And I was miserable at my job. I was over it. And I didn't know what could be next for me. What could that next business look like? Where could additional revenue streams come from? And as awful as it is to say, it was all about for me stepping into the unknown, stepping into the darkness and just hold. hoping that steps were going to appear beneath my feet. And they did. And it's hard. Here's the thing, if success was easy, everybody would have it, right? If it was easy to launch your own company and start your own business, everyone would do that. Why wouldn't you want to be your own boss, right?

It's not easy. It is hard. And anyone that tells you it isn't is full of it or they inherited a business from their parents, right? So if you're someone that's working on your own and need to make income, it's going to be scary and build up as much as you can while you still have that income in corporate America. That would be the biggest tip I could give you because you want as much runway as you can get before you launch. At the same time, I got launched out. That was completely unexpected. And I didn't know that was going to happen. However, it was a gift because as I look back, I don't know that I ever really would have jumped. But that's what made me sit on my couch and say, okay, I need to ask for help. I'm going to post. These are steps that I took. I posted. I just got

fired. I need help. That post landed me on the Elvis Duran show as I, I was on the Elvis Duran show, he said to me, well, obviously you're writing a book. I grabbed that confidence he had in me, jumped on a plane and Googled, how do you write a book? That's how I ended up becoming an author. As crazy as that is, right? Then I just leaned all into that, wrote my first book, self-published that, and then I googled, how do you sell books? And it said, speak.

I didn't know the speaking business was an actual multi-billion dollar industry. I had no idea because in media where I came from, we didn't pay speakers. It was just executives in our industry like myself. and you were expected to speak. That opened my eyes to, oh, wait, there's a speaking business that I could get paid. Then I leaned all into that and started picking up agents all around the country. And then coronavirus hit. And I had to reinvent myself again.

And I looked at, okay, consulting and coaching. So it's an evolution going to work for yourself. And it's not easy. It's not simple. It's about testing and trying. And the marketplace, just like coronavirus hitting and my speaking was blowing up. And then it disappeared overnight. And now it's coming back again.

So you have to be ready to believe in yourself, identify what your skill set is, what are the things that you're great at, what are you passionate about, and start stepping into that uncertainty and unknown, at least at night and on the weekend. That's the thing that I would do differently if I could go back in my life. I wish I had been videotaping all the speeches that I gave for 20 years in corporate America and was out promoting them and promoting myself and my brand years ago because my speaking business, I would have been getting hired as a speaker back. then, and that would have been my bridge jump, so I wouldn't have had to get fired. I would have been able to leave with income coming in. But again, I didn't know speaking business was a thing until I leaped out on my own and started figuring it out. So there isn't a clear path. It's about identifying what are you passionate about? What is your why? Rocking that and owning that. Giving yourself some deadlines and some goals to test and try different things, finding out

what's viable in the marketplace and talking to people outside of your industry, outside of your circle, to see what could be available to you and then stepping into that darkness and hoping those steps appear. Okay, I got an amazing note that I wanted to share with you on LinkedIn, of course. Hey, Heather, I was employed for 30 years, same company, my job was outsourced and I was laid off. I have a couple of friends who were at the same company. After months, I'm working again as most friends are. This was like a bad divorce, and in some ways, even worse, it took me weeks to get back up on my feet and start looking because it was such a negative situation. But the one area I'm having trouble with are my several friends. I will get a call to see the manager and this wave of fear panic comes over me.

Is it just time? I need to be patient with me. I'm so happy I tripped over a post of yours and began following you. Oh, okay, this is, I'm not, I thought I was reading you this essentially a testimonial of someone who fired. one of their villains, but I'm not because this was another question. Okay, the one area I'm having trouble with, as are several of the friends, I will get a call to see the manager and this wave of fear or panic comes over to me. Is it just time? I need to be patient with myself. So here's the thing. What are you afraid of it? And first of all, I get it. I remember I had a horrible

relationship with the GC at the company that I used to work for, and I ran into her even a year after I no longer worked at the company and immediately my body tensed. Here's the thing. That's a toxic work environment. That is not the kind of place you want to be. If you're feeling fearful and panic being around someone, you need to fire your villain. You need to get out of a situation like that. And understand the minute you make that decision that you are no longer going to be around people that want to intimidate you or belittle you, make that decision, gain that clarity, give yourself some deadlines, start taking action steps, start interviewing with different people, and get out of that toxic environment. You want to be a toxic environment. You want to

to surround yourself with people who are stretching you to grow, cheering you on, and people who want you there. The best example I can give you is I'm on the board of directors for Health Link now. Those people want me there. They cheer me on. They're so grateful to me and it's always excited for me versus the company that I was at for 14 years where I was being talked down to, being dismissed, and I would feel that same fear and panic that you're explaining in your message to me. So here's a thing. If you're feeling fear and panic, you're feeling uncomfortable, and you know it's not rational, but you don't know why. You're in a toxic environment. You need to fire your villains. You need to stand up for yourself and find a different company, a different group, a different team to be with. Fire those villains, set yourself up for success and start moving into opportunities where people are cheering you on and supporting you. They are out there. You've got to go find them. Okay, I hope that helps. And thank you so much for being here. If you haven't yet subscribe, rate and review. Please leave a review. We're up to 700 reviews right now on the show. I'm so flipping grateful for that. And thank you for every one of you that have left one.

If you haven't left one yet, please do. And when you share the show on social media, I always repost, reshare, and tag. Until next week, keep creating your confidence. I'll be doing the same.