Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan - #18: Using Adversity To Push Forward with Coach Katie Sowers

Episode Date: September 3, 2019

Heather shares her experience fleeing the hurricane (on top of everything else!) before she sits down with the offensive assistant coach for the San Francisco 49ers to talk about growing up with football before making her way to the NFL, learning how to handle your online haters and reflecting on the significance of being the first openly LGBT coach in the league's history. And thank you to today's sponsors:  Lola = For 40% off all subscriptions, visit MyLola.com and enter CONFIDENCE40 when you subscribe NetSuite = Download your free guide at NetSuite.com/Monahan  Pluto TV = Cut the cable cord and download PlutoTV on your streaming devices Review this podcast on Apple Podcast using this link and when you DM me the screenshot, I'll buy you my $299 video course as a thank you!  My book Confidence Creator is available now! If you are looking for more tips you can download my free E-book at my website and thank you! DM your questions for the show  DM your questions for the show Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

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Keep the unicorns alive. Show up every day with Coca-Cola energy. Energy you want, taste you love. Each week when you join me, podcast, we are going to chase down our goals. We'll overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow. On this journey with me. And welcome back to creating confidence.

I appreciate you joining me so much so today. So to give you some behind the scenes today in real world, is actually Friday, just a couple of days before you're actually going to hear this show. I'm recording it today because there is a category for hurricane headed towards Florida, which is where I live, and it is this really surreal time. So, so interesting with weather and challenges in different parts of the country, other people have no idea. Apparently, media is not covering this very much in different parts of the country.

As you know, I'm heading to Boston. I'm speaking at hypergrowth on Tuesday. So my flight was scheduled for Monday, Monday morning. And actually, three days ago, I started seeing the alerts of this weather system developing. And I've been through hurricanes before. I actually write about Irma in my book. And one thing I know is this. I don't like staying through hurricanes.

For me, I'm so scared. My car windows have been blown out. My balcony glass was blown out one incident. You know, there's been so much destruction with hurricanes and you just never know how severe it's going to be or sometimes it's not severe and, you know, crisis averted. But for me, I've just decided ever since I moved to Florida, no more I'm not staying. So three days ago, I reached out to my ex-husband and I said, hey, it looks like this thing's progressing, possibly coming to Florida. I'm going to go ahead and book flights now. I just want to make sure it's okay that I take Dylan and book a flight for him. And he said, no, I have Dylan because you were planning to go to Boston to speak. So, you know, don't worry. I think you're overreacting. It's going to be fine.

And in many situations, I would agree. I am definitely the one to overreact and go ahead and just. you know, buy plane tickets and take off because I would rather put myself out of harm's way and my son. And so I said, okay, you know, it is his dates that he had my son and that is his decision. And of course, I know his dad will keep him safe. Okay. So I bought myself a plane ticket for Saturday. I bought myself a plane ticket for Sunday because I didn't want to leave Dylan until the last minute possible. And I had that flight for Monday. Well, fast forward a couple of days. And yesterday, it was clear this thing was hitting Florida.

And I went to buy Dylan a plane ticket without asking just to have the ticket. And I couldn't get one for Saturday. So I bought him one for Sunday. And I figured I'll play it by ear and we'll figure out what happens. Well, overnight, this thing has gotten so much more severe. And my ex-husband called this morning and said, you know, I made a mistake. I need to get my kids out of here. He has two other kids and he's remarried.

And he said, and obviously Dylan's coming. with us. I'm either renting a car and driving to the other side of the state or, you know, there's no flights left. Every flight out to get out of Florida is gone and has been now for the past 24 hours. And he said, you know, I'm calling in favors, trying to find someone who has a private plane that I could use. So this poor guy was panicking. I'm panicking because now I don't want to leave without my son. And good news is he got a phone call and one of his clients is letting him use his private plane. and my son, thankfully, is getting out with his father first thing tomorrow morning, so I'm going to head out tomorrow at noon on a flight to Boston.

So it's crazy. You just never know what lays ahead of you and putting yourself first, taking action and moving quickly will always be that right answer. There are so many people today that want to leave and they don't know how to get out of here because driving out of here is going to be very difficult when you don't know where the hurricane is actually going to hit. So I just liken this back too. I'd rather be safe than sorry. I'd rather spend a couple hundred extra dollars on a plane ticket I might not use. I can always find a way to make more money, but just that piece of mine, I just can't wait to where my son's out of

the state and I'm out of the state and praying for everyone who's left behind. And also, it's a surreal experience when you have to pack up your house and take all your most significant belongings. And it's one of those moments that you think, oh my gosh, I complain all the time. about my condo, but I live on the water in the most beautiful place and I started crying today, just thinking, gosh, what if all the windows are blown out and everything here is ruined and, you know, what you took for granted is gone. And it's just one of those reflection moments that I want to share with everyone, no matter what it is that you struggle with, get annoyed with, also see the beauty and what you can be grateful for. Today I'm thinking about all the amazing pictures

of my son and all the memories here. And it's just, it's surreal to imagine how quickly life can be changed when destruction hits. And I was also reminded by that today when a good friend of mine, who I hadn't heard from in a while, sent me a text saying, I'm sorry, I haven't been around. One of my dear friends died unexpectedly, and I've really, you know, been in a bad spot. And it's just life can change in an instant. So being grateful for the people in your life, that you love spending time with them, doing the things that you love. You know, that's what matters. I just am really reflecting so much today about if everything is gone, you know,

after this weekend, what is it that I want to do? What would I do? I'd make sure I have my son. I would make sure I would be with my friends and the people that support me and care about me. And I would take action and figure out a plan. And I would trust my intuition. I would believe in myself.

I would ask for help if I needed. you know, all these things that I've learned in the past few years and, and I'll be okay. And I feel really solid in that sense of self and sense of who I am and the wonderful people I have in my life. Now, as you also know, so with all this going on, this is so chaotic and crazy. It's just insane. But so I'm going to Boston. Ultimately, I was going to interview Jesse Itzler and his wife Sarah Blakely and Jen Rubio from away. So all this is happening. And up until the past few days, I had been getting a little nervous. I've been on so many calls with Sarah Blakely's team. And, you know, they're very precise in how they do things. This is not their first rodeo, obviously.

And so this is different for me because usually when I interview people, they either just show up or, you know, you might get a note from their PR team. But this has been really intense in a lot of calls and meetings and back and forth. So I'm learning as I go. I'm definitely in a new space with this and really hopeful that things go amazing. I keep running through how it's going to be amazing in my mind and foreseeing it as a fantastic event. And now there's just some changes and glitches happening because of this hurricane. However, I'm grateful I'm going to be able to get there and be safe. I'm grateful my son will be safe. So as I always do, I really immerse myself in Sarah Blakely's life by watching every interview I can on YouTube,

in print, on podcasts, so that I feel comfortable like I almost know her when I meet her. And I really try to do my homework on people. I did the same with Jen Rubio. Obviously, Jesse Itzler, you've listened to the episode with him. I already know him, so I feel really comfortable around him and his story. So going into this week is going to be really exciting. but I definitely have shifted my thoughts. You know, I was consumed with, what am I going to wear?

And what will she wear? And today I'm just throwing my things in a bag to get out of here. So things changed pretty quickly. And I've got great friends. I'm going to stay with in Boston. So that part I'm really grateful for looking forward to. And one of my really great friends, Scott McGregor, who's the guy that really put this whole opportunity together for me.

He's coming with his wife and I'm going to be able to get together with them in Boston. And I haven't seen them in months. And so there's a lot of great things happening along with some, you know, challenging things. And I'm trying to focus on those things that I'm really excited about and grateful for. And in some ways, it's sort of taking the edge off the pressure that I was putting on myself that this event has to go so well. And, you know, I'm realizing that while I'm on that stage, the state of Florida is going to be going through a hurricane. And I'm just so grateful that I'm not going to be sitting in some. of a home praying my windows don't smash in. So just perspective shift is huge and really trying to

put this to work for the better and learn from from this whole situation. And I'm really excited to be going there. And if you're coming as a hypergrowth, Boston, I'm so excited to see you. It's going to be an amazing, amazing event. So really looking forward to this week, even with all the chaos going on and I'm praying for Florida and everyone in this state and what they're facing and hoping for the best and hoping things are not nearly as bad as what they're telling us it looks like it could be right now. So with that being said, I mean, that's talk about Buzzkill. Oh my gosh, I got to turn this around for you. Hoping that you have other things that you can focus on, that you can be grateful for, that you can create that vision for your future and what

you're looking forward to. I'm really trying to lock into that, trying to immerse myself in this work and this vision that I have for the week ahead. And I hope that you can do the same. Of course, I can't leave you without moving into our guests that you're really going to love. And I'm so excited for you to hear from. But first, wanted to give you a special offer because that's what I like to do. I like to give my peeps some deals. So did you know that the FDA doesn't require brands to disclose a comprehensive list of ingredients in their feminine care products? What is that all about? I can't believe it. Lola offers complete transparency around the ingredients found in their tampons, pads, liners, and wipes. Major brands use a mix of synthetic ingredients, which is kind of scary. Rayon and

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I am blown away by my next guest, and you will be too for various reasons. Katie Sowers is in her fourth season in the NFL, and first as an offensive assistant with the 49ers, after spending the 17 season with the team as a seasonal offensive assistant. She originally joined San Fran in June of 17 as part of the 49ers' 2017 Bill Walsh Minority Fellowship, where she worked with the team's wide receivers. In 2016, Sauer spent the off-season training camp in the same capacity with the Atlanta Falcons.

With the Falcons, she worked closely with Atlanta assistant head coach, wide receivers, coach Rahim Morris, in organizing, conducting, and concluding practice drills. Following her time on the field as a coach, she spent nine months as a scouting intern with the Falcons. Mike dropped the only female coach in the freaking NFL. Thank you for me. There's two, but you're the only active one.

Correct. No, no, actually that's wrong now, too. Tampa Bay. Tampa Bay just happened. Bruce Ariens. Two, two coaches. Well, yep, a strength conditioning coach and then an assistant defensive line coach.

Wow. So that was huge. This is huge. Huge. This is unbelievable. So can you please give all of us some background on who you are, where you came from, and how you reached this amazing level of success? Yeah, so I grew up in a town with two stoplights, you know, big city girl. I like to claim to be not. But grew up in the middle of Kansas and just have always loved sports. My twin sister and I would we would play football just like any other young girl growing up would want to do, go into the backyard and put pads on and just hit each other as hard as we can. You both wanted to do that? Absolutely.

My dad was a college basketball coach, so we were around sports from an early age. And my, you know, they were both in, both my parents were in the teaching profession. So I always kind of knew it was the path for me, coaching and teaching. and always knew football was the number one love of my life from day one. But never thought a girl could play. So kind of had a journey. Let me jump in and ask you a question on that because I was a tomboy as a young girl and played sports. But oftentimes when I was a kid and I had my hair real short and I was so into sports,

probably similar to you and not to that level. But people would say to me, Heather, are your dress wrong? You shouldn't wear your hair like that or they'd already critique me when I was a little kid. Oh, yeah. I mean, I was lucky to have parents that love me just the way that I was. My twin sister was the same way. And I remember when we were young, my aunt actually made purses for us. And we were like, purses are for girls. And we threw them down. We didn't want anything to do with that. And it was just, you know, we loved what we loved. And we never questioned it. My parents never questioned it. It was just who we were. That is the foundation, in my opinion, for real authentic confidence is when you're surrounded by people that elevate you and embrace you for you, no matter what that you looks like or what anyone else says, that's where you start to grow massive confidence. Absolutely. I mean, if you think about it, if you think about somebody shooting a free throw and you hand them a basketball, everyone around them is like, it's okay if you miss. They're going to feel a lot more confident to shoot that ball than if you hand them a ball and you say, if you miss this and this is going to happen, this is what's wrong, you know, with the world.

And when you think of it that way, a support system only adds confidence. And when you can have that support system that loves you unconditionally, that's what you. what it's all about. But that's the thing. So many people have a support system that isn't loving unconditionally or don't know they're aware of it, but they're putting their limiting beliefs on you and thank goodness that didn't happen for you. I mean, does McDonald's still have happy meals where you ask if it's a boy or girl? I don't know. Because, I mean, if you think about that, that one question, they think they can define your child's happiness by their gender. That's profound. I had never even thought of that. But from such a young,

no matter where you go, you're already being dropped in one bucket. Yeah. And so many people just think that that's natural. That's just the way it is. But actually, my niece, when she was three years old, I didn't know that we were raised. I say we were raising her because pretty much my twin sister and I don't have kids, but my older sister has three, so they're all kind of our kids. So we help raise them.

But all she saw growing up was my twin sister and I playing football. Never thought a thing of it. And one day we were driving by this football field and we looked over and there were these little boys playing football. And we said something to Clara about the little boys playing football. And she looked at us and she said, boys don't play football. And we had to stop. And we were like, oh, my gosh. But this is, you know, this is a girl that doesn't like football.

She loves ballet. She loves everything that would be stereotypical girl. But she believed that football was a girl's game because that's all she saw. And so we don't know the things that we are putting into our kids' heads every single day from day one. It's so true. And just being conscious of that, we can help to be a little bit more open-minded on purpose. Absolutely. And that's important.

I need to think about that myself raising a 12-year-old boy. He actually says to me one day, Kitty, you'll think this is funny. He said, Mom, why is it that you always want to champion girls but not boys? Does that mean girls are better than boys? Because that's what he's being exposed to. And then I had that mic drop moment. No, honey, not at all. We're all equal.

However, girls haven't been told they're equal for so long that we need to have that conversation. Right. And sometimes the little boys that are looking up to, you know, women in my position as a coach, we're actually changing their lives sometimes more than we even think about because they're looking up and it's normal for a girl to teach a boy. It's normal for a woman to lead men. and they're seeing that as young boys, and I think that's crucial. It's crucial in creating long-lasting change and cultural change, which is what I think we're all after.

Yes. Okay, so you're a young girl growing up thinking it's totally normal to play football and to knock your sister around. What happens next? So I still remember the day that I was out playing football with the boys. This was probably late middle school, maybe six, seventh grade, and getting hit by one of the boys. and, you know, for so long, I had dominated these games. I mean, literally, I'm not even being biased. I dominated.

I had this form of tackling where I'd grab their shirt, spin them around, throw them down. I mean, we had some boys that wanted to be refs after games just to save face. You know what I mean? So it was a hardcore game. But I still remember the day when I got hit by one of the boys and it clicked in my mind that these guys are just bigger than me, stronger than me. and I didn't really think a thing of it and I realized that I had to find another sport

because you were reaching an age they were just outweighing us out taller than us and stronger than you that you could actually get really hurt yeah and girls didn't have I mean they still don't have a platform you know within high school Utah is making some gains of having an all girls tackle football league but you know in terms of growing up at the foundation there's no opportunity to have a separate game.

It's always the only option is playing with the boys, and that wasn't an option for me. And so I found basketball. I played tons of different sports throughout high school and college, but basketball was kind of my main sport. And so during all this time, what are you thinking as a young person? Because I know we all think,

when am I going to grow up and be, and where do I see this going? What were you thinking back then? I always knew I wanted to be a coach. That was, I remember, I mean, my dad was a collegiate basketball coach, he never had an opportunity to play football. I'm sure he would have been great if he did because I'm biased. But, and I think he's a stud.

So, but yeah, I mean, I never, I never knew that that football would be for me because I just never saw anyone do it before. I never saw a woman play. I never, it was, you know, it wasn't until I saw, I found a tackle football league after college started playing. And then I saw Becky Hammond coaching in the NBA. And that is when it clicked. And this was before any females were ever interns.

And I was coaching eighth grade football at the time. And I remember posting a picture on my Instagram that said, NFL, I'm coming for you. And it was me standing on the sidelines coaching my little eighth grade football team. And but in my, like, it literally in my mind, I knew it was going to happen. And it was such a weird feeling because people that I would joke around with, like, yeah, you're going to see me in the NFL. and they'd laugh thinking I was kidding, and I was totally serious. So do you call that manifesting, or do you just call that owning your truth and putting it out to the world?

I totally believe that when you have a mindset where you can see your path and you believe that it can happen, you'll see the opportunities that open the doors. I don't think opportunities just happen by luck. I think oftentimes we just miss opportunities because we're so stuck on what we can't do. And our heads down just looking at the grind. that everyday grind instead of seeing the potential. What was that opportunity for you that you saw? You know, it was actually mistakes in scheduling. It was being turned down from a job. It was some of those things that actually catapulted me forward. And, you know, a lot of those things that

many would call failures or rejection or I see that as part of my path, part of my story. and I see that as a common theme, and people who find success is when they don't see things as obstacles or, you know, things that hurt them. They see them as part of your story, part of your path. Did you see it that way at the time, or are you just reflecting on it? You know, it was one of those things that not right away. When I was in college, I wanted to start my coaching career. I was, you know, going to see if I could be a volunteer coach. for my basketball team. I was in my victory lap as what I like to call it, my fifth year. And,

you know, it was a school where even professors at that time, they couldn't be out and gay, or they would be fired. And so, 2009, 2008. So only 10 years ago. Yeah. And it just recently, a few years ago, changed. But, you know, I wanted, I was doing a victory lap. I was done with my eligibility playing basketball and I thought I've been a captain all these years. Why would why would there be any issue with me being a volunteer? And I was brought into the office and I was told because of my sexuality, because of my lifestyle, they didn't want me around the team anymore. You know, they had prospective parents that were worried that their daughter might, I guess, catch the gay maybe or something. Right, right. That it's contagious.

Literally though, people believe that. They believe that. And so, I felt like that was kind of a point where I thought I had it figured out, but I really didn't. And that's why I'm a strong believer. And sometimes a door won't open, but it just might not be your door. But in that moment, were you devastated? You go home and lock yourself in room crying? I, you know, right after I called my mom and I kind of, she's the most loving, generous person. And she just said, it's okay, it's okay.

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psychiatrist in just a few minutes. That's talkiety.com slash confidence to get matched in minutes. It doesn't sound fair, right? This is who I'm just living my life. And you're telling me that that's not going to work for you. So just keep moving. That feels not fair.

But if it wasn't for that, I wouldn't have found women's tackle football. It was that moment that I had to find something else. And that's when I went online and found a team that was about an hour and 15 minutes away from me. So I started playing for the West Michigan mayhem and fell in love with football all over again. And, you know, maybe it's due to my rejection, I see it as that because I feel like that's what catapults me forward. You use that adversity to push you forward and motivate you instead of allowing to deter you. Yeah, I don't see any reason why I should feel sorry for myself. I have no hard feelings.

I truly believe hate and judgment will not cure ignorance. And when we try to fight ignorance with hate and judgment, we're just doing exactly what we don't want to do. I truly believe that the best way of getting the word out there is just being forgiving, trying to seek first to understand where they're coming from. And that's what's going to change people at the foundation. If you don't know your numbers, you don't know your business. And that is a straight up fact. The problem growing businesses have that keeps them from knowing their numbers are these hodgepodge business systems. They have one system for accounting, another for sales, another for inventory management, and so on and so on.

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Seven key strategies to grow your profits. It's at NetSuite.com slash Monaghan. That's M-O-N-A-H-A-N. That's NetSuite.com slash Monaghan to download your free guide. Seven key strategies to grow your profits. NetSuite.com slash Monaghan. Know your numbers. I can only imagine, given your high profile and your uniqueness and the newness of this for the world or whatever you're going to call it or label it, you've got to have haters coming for you. Oh, yeah. When I first started, I made the mistake of going online and looking when I was an intern with the Falcons. They posted a picture of me with one of the guys. And I made the mistake of reading the comments, as we all know, social media can be very,

Nasty. It's horrible. Go Taylor Swift for that new song that she just came out with, which is great. But shout out to Taylor. But, you know, I saw a bunch of things like go back to the kitchen. How do you, how can you coach when you've never played? And I was like, first of all, go back and do your research because I have played. You know, and that was the problem is that I was going and reading all these things that made this group of people that was actually not, I had. probably nine out of ten people that would support me, but it felt like the whole world was against me when I was reading those comments. And what I made the deliberate decision to do was just not listen to it at all. Because good, bad, indifferent, whatever. If you're on a high because of the good comments, you're going to be on a low because of the bad ones. And so I've stopped reading everything all together. That's a Gary Vism that he taught me when he was on the show is that if we're going to allow for the excitement from the positive, and you're just telling yourself that you're going to let in that negative and it's going to crush you. I love positive feedback.

Like, that's just who I am as a person. And so it's so hard to learn. It makes sense, though, that if you're willing to allow yourself go up here due to an outside force, you're going to be allowing yourself to go down too. And it's taking practice to try to say, I'm not going to let this affect me positively or negatively. It's tough. And I think I have probably, a little bit easier of an exit than you do. I mean, this is, everything that you do is out there. I coach on a football field, and that's what I can, you know, just bury my head in is my work there. I can't believe you see it like that, because to me, I see you're on one of these largest platforms in the, you're like out there for the entire world to see because you're on

this NFL ticket. I mean, that is the game, the show. But that's the real world. separate from what we perceive as the world on social media. Right. And I've kind of shut that part out. So when you look at your entire life and your career and you think back, when was the moment that you're, because right now from what you're telling me, I don't hear a lot of issues with your confidence because you had such a solid foundation. But there's got to be some time during this whole journey that you did feel your least

confident. When is that? Oh, I would say, so I'm a twin, I'm a twin, identical. And if anyone is a twin, they know that you spend your whole life being compared, especially identical twins. It's, oh, she has a bigger nose. Oh, she's a little taller. Oh, she's better at basketball.

So annoying. And that's siblings in general, but it's amplified. I'm sure. Amplified. And so I spent actually my whole high school career in my twin sister shadow. She, you know, when we got to high school, when we were freshmen, she was playing varsity. I wasn't. And she ended up popping up to varsity in volleyball, and I didn't. And the one thing I had was the javelin. I was better than her in the javelin. And sure enough, we both made it state somehow.

She never practiced this twin sister of mine that stole obviously all the athletic ability. And the one thing I had, you know, she decides to beat me. And in state, senior year. And it was, she, actually cried. I cried. This is like Sabrina and Nina. Yeah. Because we knew the impact that it had. And you really were feeling low in that moment. I was. But at the

same time, I think that's what also helped me in a way to build confidence as I felt the lack of confidence. Because as I went through that, it really made me search within myself to see what it is that, what is it that builds confidence?

What is it that I'm good at? that, you know, I don't need to compare myself to my twin sister to feel good about myself. And it took me a while. And it just, I guess, took time, took maturity. It took a lot of time just looking back at my life and kind of seeing what's really important. And that, in a way, even though it was my least confident time, I think it built my confidence. That's so interesting. And I totally agree with you.

Those low moments and those hits mentally when you take them, allow you. to say, okay, I'm at ground zero right now. How can I bring myself back? And what I've learned is I don't want to come back here. So how can I behave differently? I actually, I probably already shared this with everyone listening, but I used to compare myself to plenty of different women and, you know, whether it be an author or a podcast host or whatever.

And I'll never forget, I went on this woman's show, Alina Cardone. She's very high profile in South Florida. And when I got home, I was Googling her because that's my routine. I want to compare myself and how, does there? site look better than mine. And, you know, are they skinnier than me in the pictures or whatever craziness I'm going through in that minute? And I saw, this is the first time, this is very recent, and I saw this woman's charging $50,000 of speech. And instead of getting so pissed off that I'm not, I said, I'm raising my rates right now. I'm going to use this woman as inspiration

to me what's possible. And that's my new thing is that when I look at someone and I say, oh, they're making more money than me or they have that or this. And I don't, instead now I'm saying, All right, hang on a minute. I'm going to flip that to here's what the potential is for me. Absolutely. That's exciting. And you're doing that. I can't even imagine how many flipping women you're doing that for.

Well, that reminds me of I'm not a nature scientist or whatever you want to call it. So, you know, people can hate on me if this is wrong. But from what I've heard, someone told me that in the forest, trees grow taller to fight for sunlight. So the taller trees that are around them, it just makes the other ones grow taller. And that's kind of what you are alluding to. That's a great analogy. And we continue just to make each other better. If we choose to do it that way.

If we choose to and not compete against each other, which I feel like I see a lot of in terms of women trying to get. Because it's almost like, oh, well, they already have a woman on staff. There's no more room for anyone else. Because I'll tell you it's the same way in corporate America. Because I was at the C-suite level of corporate America, and there was two women on. the executive team and 10 men and it felt like someone had to get squeezed out.

I mean, this cat over here was the one that got squeezed out, but I'll tell you, it does feel like we've already got the token woman or there's. And then, honestly, most of the time, it's the other woman that doesn't want you there. Yeah. And that's why I'm a, I'll get a lot of questions. Katie, are you going to be the first head coach in the NFL that's a female? And my response is I'd love to be a head coach in the NFL. If I'm the first, okay, if I strive to be the first, then I'm saying, wait for me.

Don't hire any other woman, wait for me. And I'm competing. I'm all of a sudden competing against everyone else. If I'm not the first, I'm happy because that means that there was progress made. That's such a great perspective instead of plotting those people on and saying, instead of saying, no, hang on, I actually want that title. Listen, you're already making all the right lists that are out there. You don't need that title as far as I'm concerned. You know I'm so jealous about that.

So, all right, so along this journey, how did you actually break into the NFL for the first time? And what was that leap like? Yeah, so like I said before in terms of I see mistakes. I see things that don't typically happen as opportunities for me. So I was coaching football. I was playing football. I was also getting involved in coaching sixth grade. what I thought was going to be sixth grade girls basketball.

At the school, I just needed some extra money. And it was all set up. I was set to coach the sixth grade team, and they called me, and they said there was a mix-up and scheduling. We're so sorry, we set you up with the fifth graders by accident. Is that okay? And I said, that's fine. And what happened was a girl on my team, her father was Scott Pioli, who was a former

general manager for the Kansas City Chiefs. Then he was in between jobs, but going to be the assistant general manager for the Falcons, which is he became a good friend, a good mentor, and he has a passion for really getting diversity in the NFL, and he saw what he felt like I had to offer, and he became just that go-to person in terms of getting to know the culture of the NFL and getting me experience in the game and ultimately going to Atlanta. That's amazing because, and I talk a lot about this all just in general,

without mentors, without those people to help us guide and navigate, they know where the landmines are. We don't. We haven't been down that road yet. They see them plain as day and they can help direct us. And they can think bigger than us when we aren't necessarily thinking from their perspective yet. Yeah, absolutely. I always say you don't know what you don't know.

And I love that saying because you don't know what to look for when you don't know what to look. I mean, it sounds silly. You don't know what to look for when you don't know what to look for. Of course. And that's something that's so critical because then when you get to know the culture and you look back, you're like, that seemed so obvious. But when you don't know it, it's not obvious. And to have somebody as a mentor, especially someone who is different than you, like for me, this was a white male that was my mentor. Having someone that almost, it doesn't seem like they're affected by the issues, even though we all are affected.

but when you have that mentor that just sees things from a different perspective, it makes it even more powerful. That's why I always say men need to support women, white people need to support black people, straight people need to support gay people. It's a mix of everybody just supporting everybody and becoming passionate about things more than just what affect us. That's so true. I can't agree with you more. So he really was the vehicle that allowed you to see that opportunity to move to the NFL and helped you to connect those dots. When you start the first day in the NFL, were you freaking out so scared? No, not at all. I believe you.

That's what's so crazy. Yeah, I wasn't. And I get asked that a lot. And to be honest, to me it was just another day. I did question, how are these guys going to react to me? Of course. And what I found from my very first interaction was so much love and welcoming from these guys that at the end of the day, they're true professionals. They know at any time their job could be replaced.

And, you know, it's interesting because I always get asked, do these guys listen to you? Do they respect you? And it's become a normal question. But then one day I was in Kansas City watching ballet at the professional. Ballet Center and the director was a man in what would typically be what we consider more female dominated, even though there are a lot of men involved. And I thought to myself, how odd would it be to go up to him and ask, do the women respect you being a man in this field? We would never think to ask. We would never think to ask that. But we're so ready to ask

if the men respect me. But, you know, you answer it. every single time because it's expected. And, but it's, it just shows the culture and the mindset that still needs to change. Oh, it's huge. But to me, I have to, again, I just can relate from the business standpoint. I did have people coming up as a woman in leadership that tried to really hit me hard publicly to see, to test you, to see how you're going to respond and, and to really put you on the ropes. And it, I don't want to say it's intimidating because I knew to expect it.

I had already seen it with other women and saw why other women weren't succeeding or getting that next promotion. And I saw, or at least I was clear in my mind, I had to be really tough as nails to let people know they couldn't get close to me and that I'm not going to cry or whatever these crazy stereotypes are, even to the point where I went over the top the other way where I was ice man. There was no fun personality because I didn't want people to get close to me. I was scared of that. Did you ever have one of those moments? I've always kind of gone against what's typical, so I've never felt the need to balance anything out. But I have felt, and it's nothing that anyone has done specifically, but this whole mindset that as a woman, you have to prove that you know something. And, you know, but as a man, it's assumed that you know until you prove that you don't.

And it's not something that I think people even know that they're doing. but right when I walk in the door, if a man with my same title walked in, it would already be assumed that he knows. But for me, as a woman, it's assumed that I don't because, you know, what's considered a man's game. So that never intimidated you?

No. That is just, it's unbelievable. I completely applaud that you're able to do that. What about then you're moving forward now, you're with Atlanta, and you decide, is that the point when you decide to come out public? No, so I had been out. And when I, when that whole thing happened where it was, it kind of blew up as the first ever out coached in the NFL, I never knew it would actually come out like that. I, I was doing an article and they asked if it was okay that they mentioned that I had a girlfriend. I said that was fine. And then boom, next day, first open coach in the NFL. It was pretty crazy. But,

I almost said it was, you know, now I never have to tell anyone I'm gay anymore. That's a beautiful thing. You know, I already thought I was there. But then, you know, here I am again, coming out again. But it was interesting how that happened because that was just me being me. I've been me for, been out, I guess I should say, since college, you know. And that was just me answering a question and that's what it turned into. Completely innocently not thinking. There was no strategic motivation by the moment. What about your team and, you know, the teammates were people saying, hey, we're here with you, like we got you on this? Yeah, I had a lot of guys that actually intentionally stopped by my office after that came out and just said, hey, I read your article. I just want you to know how cool that is. I had people who said, you know, oh, my brother's gay or, oh, I have a cousin that's gay. And it was kind of cool because we had all of a sudden we had even more similarities.

They felt closer to me. They felt like they had something personal. They could share with me. And I found nothing but support with those guys. It was pretty cool. That is so amazing to me. And it makes you so relatable when you share that aspect and you're vulnerable. To you wasn't vulnerable.

It's who you are. But to the rest of the world, it shows vulnerability, which in my opinion is true powers, true strength. And then people feel like they do want to share with you. Hey, I, you know, I'm in a similar situation. that connection and relatability is so meaningful. I completely agree. That's why I truly believe a great coach, a great teacher is vulnerable,

but is also just, I guess, screams integrity. That's crucial, and I see integrity and vulnerability together. And the more that we display that, the more trust you gain from players, the better leader you can be, and the more buying you get. And so leaving Atlanta and going to San Fran, are you seeing different nuances in culture, different dynamics, and how does that affect you?

I'm with the same coaching staff for the most part. You know, I came with Kyle and a bunch of those guys that were there in Atlanta. But I love San Francisco as a city. It's so progressive. It's, you know, so the area is definitely very, very progressive. But in terms of the culture of the team, team. If you ask any of our coaches, they would all say they don't even think about the fact

that I'm a female. They just see me as one of them. And I always like to make sure people know me being female is just one of my differences, but every single coach is different. Every single coach has a different background, has something different about their story. Being female is just one of mine. Starting the year with a wardrobe refresh, Quince has you covered with Luxe Essentials that feel effortless and look polished. They're perfect for layering, mixing, and building a wardrobe that last. Their versatile styles make it easy to reach for them day after day. Quince has all the staples covered, from soft Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like designer pieces without the markup, to 100% silk tops and skirts for easy dressing up to perfectly cut denim for everyday wear. Their wardrobe

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Quince.com slash confidence. That's so well said. I love that because it's just one other check on a box. I mean, that's really all that it is. Okay, so where is it now that you're looking to grow? I see you through social media doing a lot of work to get your message out there and empower others and shine a light on equality and diversity. Is that your focus and passion now in addition to coaching?

I would say, yeah, I have a obviously football. That's my passion. My job is to make sure that these guys are the best that they can be every single Sunday, Monday or Thursday that we play. And that is my number one goal right now. But then obviously with that, the platform that I've, that I've stepped onto is so important with the role of opening doors for others. And so that, because of my passion for coaching football, has become another, just, you know,

part of my journey, part of my story. And I've completely embraced it. And it wasn't something I expected, but I've become extremely passionate about making sure that there's change in the world. Are you getting some really amazing messages, private messages, on social media? Yeah, I get a lot of vulnerable messages. Sharing their challenges?

Yeah. You know, I've had actually a former NFL coach tell me that he was no longer coaching in the NFL, but he told me that he was gay and that he knew he was gay, but he never could come out about it, and he was still struggling to come out. But he confided that within me. I mean, it was something that was, it was so. incredible and it helped me to realize the impact that I'm making because I wanted to thank him because although he couldn't feel he didn't feel like he could come out he was truly making progress

and whether you know it was the right way the wrong way we we can't tell someone when they can and can't come out but I thanked him and you know I had a fan that told me that they were in the closet, quote unquote, and that they were worried that the players wouldn't sign their autographs anymore. You know, I've had some stuff like that, and it's crazy to think that we are still so worried that other people are going to judge us. The reality is other people are always going to judge us regardless, but it's important to know that we can be who we want to be and be supported fully.

You know, when you shared that really powerful story about this prior NFL coach and not having come out and, you know, and what if, you know, he would have. Well, when you think about that now, don't you think he would have even been a stronger, better coach had he really stepped into his truth during the time if that would have been, you know, available to him? I think he would have, absolutely. I think we still have a long way to go in not just football in every aspect. in terms of this fear of, in a way, femininity. I think that, which is, you know, a lot of people say, I'm a lesbian. So I have more masculine traits in a way. I feel like everything about football is kind of, I guess, a way of how we view life, if you think about it,

in terms of, you know, oh, you hit like a girl. Oh, you throw like a girl. like a girl, everything that is associated with being feminine, being passive, being, you know, being a man is being assertive, being aggressive. All those traits, that's what you seek in football. And I think that's what we tell people that we want to seek in life. But that's what we tell are traits of men. And so it's important to recognize that's what we assume being feminine is, and that's what

we assume being masculine is. You even said it to begin with when we first started talking about everything that you were doing to try to act more like a man. Like a man. Yes. But it was everything that was powerful. It was everything that was, you know, aggressive. It was not being vulnerable. It was not.

And it shows you just the stereotype that we have being a man, being a woman, being able to lead, not being able to lead. It's quite an interesting culture that we have here. It's great, though, that these conversations are finally able to be had and that people are committed like you and passionate to having them. I mean, you're freeing up a lot of your personal time right now to get out and share this message to affect our community at large. Yeah. You know, it's something that I've always been passionate about but didn't know it and found

obviously my passion later. There was one time I was walking through a store with my ex-fiancee had a daughter and I was walking through aisles with her and told her she could pick out any toy she wanted. And we were going down what you consider the, you know, it had a lot of pink in it. So, but she couldn't find anything and we got to like the cool Lego section. She's like, oh, we can't go down there. That's the boy section. So I said, okay.

And we literally walked around the whole store. And then I said, Alia, do you want to go back to this aisle? And finally she gave in and she found the toy that she was looking for. And if you think about life in terms of those aisles, think how many opportunities we're limiting for our children because of the stereotypes that we've created when in reality they could find what they're passionate about if we just open the door to the opportunities. And one of the greatest gifts we could ever give someone is allow them to find and step into their passion. For my entire career, I didn't work anywhere near my passion. I did something because I was good at it and chasing a paycheck, which was great at the time in my limited business. vision, but when you're willing to open your mind to other opportunity, when you don't see how

it's going to get there, like you didn't know you were going to go to the NFL and be an NFL and be an NFL coach immediately. You know, it wasn't that clear. It was about those challenges along the way, but you have to be willing to take that chance and see. But the passion thing to me is so big because I never thought you could make a career out of your passion. Oh, absolutely. You know, it's, I think people often think that that's kind of the dream world. Right. I was one of those people. But it doesn't have to be. And oftentimes, it's not that everybody is going to go out and be a professional athlete or everyone's going to go out and be an actor or whatever. It's finding your passion and what you're doing.

If you go out and you mow lawns and that's what you see it as is mowing lawns, then you're probably not going to be passionate about it. But if you say that I'm going to go mow the lawn in this park because this is going to create a better quality. for the kids that play in the park, for the families that come and spend time there. That's where you create passion. It's a mindset. You're doing the same job, but you find the passion in it. And if you can't, you better get out. Do you ever see people in football that aren't passionate about the job anymore?

Absolutely. Yeah, I think you see it in every job. And I think oftentimes, again, we see these what we think of dream jobs, maybe because of money, maybe because of fame. and if that's the reason that you're seeking these jobs, you will not find happiness for long. It's so true. It's fleeting.

Yep. So Katie, people want to keep up with you. We want to see where you're going next. What's happening next? How can we find you? Instagram at Kate Sowers 5. You'll see I just got a sphinx kitten, hairless kitten, so I get a lot of hate about that.

Cats can be hairless. The Austin Power's head. Yes, I know it. It's just proving that Girls don't have to like pink, boys don't have to like blue, and cats don't have to have hair. It's a thing. I love it. Throw in some serious knowledge on us, and that is a real deal.

So well said. Thank you so much for being here, for shining your light and just showing the world that being who you are is everything. Thank you for having me. Oh, my gosh. You're the best. All right. Hang with me. I'll be right back.

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Never pay for TV again by downloading Pluto TV. You can download Pluto TV for free. on all of your favorite devices today, including your phone, Roku, Amazon Fire TV, Apple TV, smart TVs, PlayStation, and anywhere else you stream. Check it out. Okay, so speaking about football, I just read an article about Rob Grinkowski retiring from the Patriots and how, in his own words, he described he wasn't happy, he wasn't putting himself first, and he had to retire and leave in order to put himself first and take time for himself. And I started thinking, well, if Rob Grunkowski can retire from the NFL and leave the

pets to put himself first and do what's right for him, I think it's okay for me to go to the gym or me to get a sitter and go out with my girlfriend. And I think the same for you. Putting yourself first isn't taboo. It's what we need to do. So let's follow Grunks reign here and say, okay, I am taking care of me and putting me first because that's going to turn things around, improve things in my life. And I want you to do that same for yourself.

So I wanted to answer a few different questions. And surprisingly, this is so not an ad. I just have to share the story with you. But I'm speaking at hypergrowth, blah, blah, blah. Drift is the company that is putting on hypergrowth. I had no idea what Drift was before I was speaking for them. Well, I checked out the company and I ended up putting a drift bot on my website. You'll check it out if you go to Heather Monaghan.com.

And you'll see a little mini me head will come up and will say, hi, how can I help you? And what is so cool is Drift has this technology where when people go to my website, they see the little me head and they can type in, hey, Heather, I can't find the confidence tips or the free ebook or the accountability partner sign up. And I can respond to them in real time and say, oh, here's the link or how else can I help. It's so cool. And it's giving me another place where I can interact in real time with, you know, you and with everyone. And it's just, I really like it. So check it out. You can actually put it on your

website for free. If you go to the drift, drift.com and sign up, you can have one of those little bots on your site. And it's just, it allows for a lot of interaction, help in navigating the site, which is so cool. So I've been getting a lot of questions there. And surprisingly, I got three questions this week about getting fired and people that got fired and don't know what to do. First of all, my entire book Confidence Creator is based on what to do when you get fired. So get Confidence Creator. It's on Amazon. I have an audible paperback, hardcover.

I love that book. I've read so many amazing reviews from my listeners. So definitely check out my book. It will help you. However, there's a number of different things you can do. Number one, lower expectations on yourself. When you get fired or broken up with or jolted, that's not the time to say, where am I going to be in 10 years? and I need to save more money and I need to go on vacation here and have a better life.

It's time to say, you know what? I'm doing pretty good. I am living and that is pretty freaking awesome. And just lower that expectation. Ask for what you need. That was a big thing for me. I told people I'm not in a good space. I need your help.

I'm freaking out. I put it out on social media. I really allowed myself to be vulnerable. But I wanted to reach a lot of people and get help. And that was a big help for me. But you need to make your own decision. but it is important to ask for help in a time like that. I broke things down to a 30-day plan.

I felt like that was manageable. And what I realized was firing that villain from my life that thought she fired me, hello, no, flip the script on that one, I fired her. It started allowing really positive people in my life to show up because I had been blocked by someone who's so negative and trying so hard to hold me back, I was eroding my confidence when I was at that company. When I fired her from my life, I started feeling better about myself. I stopped second guessing every decision I made because I didn't have someone trying to tell me I was constantly wrong or ignoring me.

And I began to feel stronger. And right then, amazing people started showing up into my life that I guess didn't have the space to come into it before. So really, you know, create that short list of who you need to fire that's negative in your life, allow positive people to start showing up. Practice gratitude. I would write down three things I was grateful for every day. I would journal and put all my thoughts on paper so I could see how far I would come each week. I was feeling better, thinking differently. Breathing.

I would just work on my breathing and meditating, working out because that's a huge outlet for me. You know, just really basic things. I wrote a note to myself, you know, to feel better, you could drink water, you could do deep breathing, you could go to the gym, you could hug your son, you could write down things. you're grateful for, really basic things. Because when you're in an overwhelming situation, just sort of like with a hurricane right now, taking it back to the basics really allows you to gain that perspective and feel much better. Here's the thing, when you don't know what's happening, know that anything is possible. And that could be amazing and that could be not so

amazing, but we know it's not going to stay like that, whatever that may be. But for me, getting fired was horrible at first and devastating, but really over that first month, things started to change and evolve. And then I figured out I was going to write a book. And then I figured out it was going to be about my lowest moments and how I created confidence from them. And then I figured out the name of my book. And then I figured out my cover. And then I figured out how to self-publish. All these things happened and unfolded over time. I didn't know I was going to become a professional speaker. That happened as a result of trying to promote my book. And now actually, oh my gosh, I'm excited to share this with you. Tuesday, when I'm in Boston, I just signed on with APB speakers

and I got a meeting with their 20 agents and I've had the opportunity Monday, Tuesday morning before I go to hypergrowth. I'm going in to present to the agents. And these are the things I didn't know were happening right back when I got fire that are now amazing to know I'm going to have the to meet these people that are going to be out pitching me on my behalf and driving revenue for me. You know, I always talk about the importance of that face-to-face meeting. I am signed with a number of different speaker bureaus, which I'm grateful for. I'm very proud of, and I'm up on their websites, and if people see me on there, they can book me through them. However, it's really hard to get agents to want to pitch you if they don't have an emotional connection with you, right?

So this is a real breakthrough moment for me that I know once I can go face to face with people, forget it. I'm not leaving there without some of my peeps in my back pocket. I'm going to connect with them. I am going to be so fired up and bring my message and the power of my energy and myself to this meeting. And so I'm really, I'm elated. And I want you to think about that too. Who could you go face to face with in your life and your business? that could really allow you to take off.

Who knows what will happen, but I know not going, not showing up, not having that meeting, nothing's going to happen. So yeah, it's going to be a busy day and I got a lot going on, but this is a huge opportunity for me

and I'm showing up for it and I'm really excited for it. So again, none of these things did I know we're going to happen back when I got fired. It was sort of about that unfolding of the process,

taking action, listening to myself and moving forward into fear because that was the biggest thing. That was the biggest holdback, the self-doubt and fear. How am I going to pay my bills? Where, you know, if I don't go back to another company and media, how will I make it work? This is the only thing I know how to do. And I was just limiting myself so much in those dark moments by fear. And the more I would step into the fear, the more opportunity would arise.

And as, you know, I've reframed fear now as a good. green light that just means go. It means I'm growing and I'm proud of me and I'm taking that next leap and, you know, as you've heard many times, if you don't take that leap, you're never going to know what it's like to fly. You're always going to stay held back. The days of me holding myself back are over and they ended the day I got fired. So you can see getting fired as a negative. I see it as being in good company and really being that jumpstart for me that I needed years. ago. So I'm so grateful for that. Okay. Interesting question that came to me. Actually, today, I have some friends that I'm on LinkedIn all the time. I know I share this with you often.

And I made some friends there that I haven't met personally in life, but we worked together on different projects or podcasts or whatever. And so a couple of my friends reached out to me and said, hey, we're launching a book. Heather, we need to speak to you because your PR so strong, you're speaking so strong, and we want to emulate it. And it was funny. we got on the phone together today and these guys are in sales just like my background is in sales and I said guys listen here's the thing you need to hustle you need to create a target list of the shows you want to be on the influencers you want to work with the podcast you want to be on you need to figure out why you and how do you fit like what's the story with you with this podcast why would this

person why would it make sense for you to go on this podcast why you what is it that you're going to deliver and bring for the audience that makes it a must have to you know and I love giving away books, autographed books. I was expressing to them to come up with some type of a giveaway. You know, people like to work with others that want to give and bring value, not make it about me, me, me, you know, so make it about them, make it about their audience. It's release sales 101. So we walked through some of those steps and then they were like, okay, how do you get on, you know, these speaker trails? And I explained to them, you know, when I first launched my book, I did not charge anyone a speaker fee. I just wanted the audience.

and I wanted to sell books. And what that, it was hard. And, you know, I forewent a lot of money and that first year was really scary because I did that. However, it gave me great footage for my reel right away. It gave me amazing testimonials

and reviews and recommendations of my work. And we all need reviews and recommendations of our work. If you don't have any on your website right now, get them. Ask your clients. Hey, can you give me some feedback in writing of what you think of working with me? You know, so it allowed me to compile

a really strong speaker kid, a strong speaker reel. All these things that I didn't know I needed to have if I wanted to garner a fair amount of money for my keynote. And I didn't even know what that spectrum was. You know, what do people get paid? And come to find out, people get paid so much more than I even had realized. However, this is the journey continues.

I'm learning more and more. I don't beat myself up because I didn't charge people back then or I started off charging people too little. Instead, I just learn from it, and I'm really learning to be grateful for the mistakes I make and understanding and compassionate with myself that I'm doing a freaking amazing job. And I haven't always felt that way.

I used to be in an environment where I wasn't told I was doing an amazing job, and I question myself. But now I look back on those times, and I see I was killing it. but now I'm feeling like I'm killing it, which is so much better. So, you know, step into that unknown journey and keep pushing. You might not do it all right, but just keep going. And I explained to my friends today on the phone, you know, calling universities and starting to speak for them for free really opened some doors for me that I'm grateful for and eventually

led me to where I am now, you know, a year later, this is now my number one revenue driver. This is definitely my focus here for, you know, the short term and really how I spend my time is leaning into the speaking business. I love it. And I'm so excited about it. I'm so excited about this week and these meetings that I have coming. So on the outside, I believe people think there's this one magic potion. Like maybe I had this magic recipe. But when we were about to get off the call, these guys said, so Heather, basically it's all in the hustle, the pitching.

the keep getting back up, you know, make mistakes, pivot, you know, don't give up and continue to follow up with people. Basically, it's the sales 101 when it comes to pushing your book and getting press and getting on shows and getting landing speaking engagements. I said, yeah, that really is it. And what I've also learned is, you know, I wanted an agent so bad when I first was starting out in the speaking career when I started understanding it all. I said, oh, I just need someone out there pitching me all the time. And someone said to me that was in the speaking business and years ahead of me, Heather, this is so funny. Everyone wants that agent that's out pitching them everywhere and working so hard for them.

However, agents are paid off commission. So agents gravitate towards the speakers that make the most money. And what's funny is the day that agents start calling you and want to represent you will be the day that you don't want their representation because you'll be so dialed in at that point, so well known. and in such high demand that you're not going to want to have to commission anybody. You'll want to manage it internally. And it's such an interesting dynamic and phenomenon, but they were right. You know, the better you get at this, the more you understand, you've built all the pieces, all the hard work.

You've created the kit, the real, the testimonials. You've traveled all around the country. And now you have the arsenal of the brands that you've worked with. And suddenly you're saying, why would I want to pay someone? So it's sort of this. It's an interesting time for me to be understanding all of this and learning so much. And like you, you know, you just keep moving forward and figure it out on the way because done is always better than perfect, as you know. And I'm so looking forward to this week, staying focused on all of the great that's to come.

I'm hoping you focus on that too. And also praying for everyone in Florida. It's so crazy you're going to be listening to this. And literally the hurricane is going to be hitting. So I'm hopeful, hopeful everyone is safe and I'm grateful for you to be here with me. So thanks for hanging with me again. I can't wait. You're going to hear the report back from the APB meeting, from Hypergrowth meeting Sarah Blakely,

and so many other amazing things from this week. So can't wait to talk to you next week. I hope you have a fantastic week. And if you haven't, if you could please subscribe, rate and review my show. It helps so much with the race. banking on Apple, and I would appreciate it. Until next time, keep creating your confidence. See you soon.