Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan - #190: STOP Blocking Your Own Success With Heather!

Episode Date: February 9, 2022

In This Episode You Will Learn About:  Refocusing your energy for success   Embracing acceptance  How to reflect on our responses to stress  Resources: Overcome Your Villains is Available NOW! Order here: https://overcomeyourvillains.com  If you haven't yet, get my first book Confidence Creator Buy your SINGLE, TAKEN, BUILDING MY EMPIRE Candle Show Notes:  Negativity brings nothing but MORE negativity. Repeating the same thing over and over again is not a strategy for success, so remember to take time to reflect before reacting. Don’t give someone else power over you; take control of your own emotions! The more we can become self aware, the better we can understand ourselves and who we are. When we know who we are, we feel motivated and inspired to accomplish our goals!   See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

I'm on this journey with me. Each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals. We'll overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow. I'm ready for my close-up. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back with me this week. Okay, so I want to start with a story, something that happened to me a couple of days ago that I think you might get some value out of. I know that this woman got some value out of it. Okay, as you know, I do some executive one-on-one coaching, and I've been coaching a woman who's an attorney for a little while,

and I got a 911 message from her that she needed an emergency meeting, and I jumped on a call with her right away. I had the time I was actually driving in the car, just dropped my son off at school. I literally think I'm an Uber driver, by the way. No one has any idea how much I drive. It's ridiculous. But anyhow, okay, that's about to get better in other news.

But, okay, so I call her immediately and I say, what is going on? And I was in a good mood. You know, I just dropped my son off and had a good morning. She was not in a good mood. She was spiraling out of control. And she started telling me about another attorney who's more senior than she is in her firm had sent her a nasty email. Now, here's the thing. We've all gotten nasty emails from coworkers and people at work and customers and family members and friends.

Right. It's happened to us. And it stinks. It's not fun. It's not pleasant. But I could hear in this woman's voice this was other level. She had taken it other level. She was really emotional, very angry.

So she starts telling me the whole story how, you know, I am not letting this person gaslight me. And, you know, it's a male-dominated industry. And it's so wrong that women. have to put up with this, which she's so flipping right. She's totally right. She was not wrong in anything that she said. And I'm letting her empty her glass and tell me the whole story. And so I said, so then what happened? She said, well, so I fired back an email to him. So, you know, he sent her a nasty email. She sent a nasty email back. And I said, then what happened? And then another nasty email came back. And then someone else got involved. You know, it started spiraling out of control going nowhere.

Good. So in situations like this, you know, I call it circling the drain, right? Picture a sink in the drain and you're just like swimming around at the bottom. You just keep circling and circling. You're not going anywhere. There is no resolution in sight. You're in this gross place circling a drain, right? There's nothing beautiful or beneficial about it. And you just keep going round and round and round. Now listen, in full transparency, I have circled the drain many times in my life. This is why I'm an expert at it. No, but truly, you know, when I worked with that woman that hated me and treated me terribly, I was circling the drain with her all the time. I wasn't taking any new approach or changing course. I just was, you know, she would treat me badly. I'd be upset. I'd go hide in my little cave. I'd be

angry. You know, I'd come back and pretend nothing happened. That was circling the drain for us, right? It looked different, but it's still the same thing. It's the same concept. you're dealing with a negative person, a negative situation, a negative context, culture, whatever, environment, behavior, whatever it is, and you're repeating the same bad behaviors again and again and again. The outcome doesn't change and you're exhausted. You're putting more and more energy out there. Nothing good is coming from it. Circling the drain is not a strategy for success. So think about in your life, is there anywhere that you are currently circling the drain, right? I mean, I might have to say that me just going to soul cycle for months on end is sort of a

form of circling the drain, right? Like, I need to mix it up. I have to put weightlifting in. I just love soul cycle outside so much. So I'm just giving them like different types of examples, but just think in your life where you've been circling the drain, you know, because we've all done it. Hopefully you're not doing it right now. If you are, it's time to change course. So she empties her glass, tells me the whole story. And I said, listen, number one, you're not going to like my response. Number two, here it is. So you are way too emotional right now to be doing anything. If you're this emotional now and all this just transpired, oh my gosh, I can't believe how you must have felt when you actually fired this email off. There is no place in business for emotion. When you're that

angry, don't take action. That's when you take a breath, pause, call a friend, call a mentor, call your coach, you know, go for a run, do whatever you need to do to get your head right and breathe for a minute, because when you react to what someone else does, like this, in this visceral way, you are allowing them to control you. You're giving them power over you. Let me say that again. When you react to what someone else says or does, you're giving them power over you and you are allowing them to control you. I am not for that. The converse of that is when that woman tried to fire me, you know, she passed those two memos to me. She had this huge smile on her face, thinking she was going to control me, that I was going to react, start crying, panic, and beg

for the money and sign the deal that she wanted me to sign. I didn't. I didn't react. I stayed calm. I took a deep breath. I gave myself a few seconds. And I thought, I didn't write either one of these memos. Why would I sign them? I don't need to react. I'm out of here. And I left. And I took all of the power out of that room. So he who stays the most calm wins every time in a situation like this. So I explained to her, here's how I would have handled it differently. And I suggest that she tried in the future is if someone, you know, sends you this crazy email, which is totally inappropriate and attacking and gaslighting and awful, take a moment, catch your breath. Remember, he who stays the most calm wins and respond back. Wow, it sounds like

you're really upset right now. I know that email can be difficult to always understand in the intent that it's sent, so why don't I give you a call so I can hear what's happening with you? Right? You're showing yourself as the leader. You're showing up as the leadership individual in this exchange. Someone's attacking you, acting inappropriate, unprofessional, and you respond back in a really powerful, strong, clear, calm manner, right? That's a leader. Hello, I don't care what your title is. You are the leader when you pull that card. So she said, well, I'm mad or am I? That's not what I want to do. I said, okay, let me walk you through. Why? though, I'm showing that I'm in control of me. I'm not going to react to you. I'm not going to

allow you to control me, which is what that person wanted. That person wants you to circle the drain with them. They're going nowhere. I'm not going to circle the drain with them. And picture yourself literally circling the drain. You'll think, why am I doing this? So I asked her to picture that. And then I said, okay, you get on the phone with the guy. You're very calm. He's not calm. Obviously, we know that. But you are. And we say, okay, explain to me what happened. I'm confused. Now, this, I write about this in my book, Overcome Your Villains. I have a chapter on this. You teeing up a difficult situation with, I'm confused, is really powerful. It's not attacking, you're not yelling at the other person, you're not accusing them of anything. You're not

begging for help, but you're basically saying, hmm, I must be missing something because this doesn't add up to me. I'm confused. So you're forcing the other person to empty their glass more, tell you more and get to the bottom of what's really going on. You know, when that individual, if that individual had been approached that way, I guarantee this. I will bet everything on this, that that individual would have gone circling the drain like crazy, you know, saying the most awful things. And if she kept asking open-ended, calm, probing questions, he probably would have gotten to a place where he said, you know what, my family's sick right now with COVID, or I'm under a lot of

financial stress right now with what's going on in the markets or I just lost a big client and I'm sorry I'm taking this out on you. Because one thing I know for sure, people are more tense now in a global pandemic than ever, truly than ever. It's so, it's creepy and sad and painful and true, right? So you never know the short fuse why it's there and what's really lying beneath the surface with someone. But I know that that person wasn't that mad at this woman. for the small thing that happened at work, there were so much more there. And the goal with I'm confused is to really to get that person to empty that glass so that you can get all of the information and you probably won't have to say much. The person would probably apologize.

So don't circle the drain. Moral of the story, don't circle the drain and don't react to what someone says to you. Be calm and then respond. So I hope that helps. I promise. I promise. you, that is the right strategy. Don't circle the drain. Don't react. Don't give somebody else power over you. Okay. Now, this is kind of crazy. Over, gosh, well, truly since the pandemic hit, for me, things had been really, really hard. And one of the things I've been realizing, and this is also why it was so hard for me getting fired, is that I love control. And that's not something that I've really been self-aware of my whole life. But as I look back, you know, my childhood was totally out of control. So it's not shocking that as I became an adult, I wanted to put everything in its place and

have total control. You know, I wanted to be in charge. I always had to be the leader. I always had to be the and it turns out I'm good at it, but it became, I don't want to say an obsession, but a way that things had to be. Well, that's not real. And we all know that in theory, right? No one's ever always in control. I can't control the weather. I can't control what happens in the marketplace. I can't control technology. I can't control other people. But for whatever reason, for me, I always, wanted control. And I thought when I was in corporate America, I was in control. When I got fired, I felt completely out of control. And that sent me into this fear spiral, which was really bad, right? Not helpful. That did not help propel me forward to where we are today. But I've been trying

to self-reflect. And the more we can become self-aware, the more we can understand ourselves. And I'll tell you this podcast and the people that I've interviewed in the last couple of years on the show have really opened my eyes to who I am and where I can go and where I should go and where I actually am going now. It's been like a self-awareness journey. I hope it has been for you, too, and I hope you take this episode to really reflect on yourself over the past couple of years and why you respond the way you do, why you've made some of the decisions you've made. So I understand that when I first got fired, I felt completely out of control. That sent me into a fear spiral, which did not help. That did not help me. It did not help my business. Over a little bit of

time, you know, by 2019, I was able to start turning things around and my speaking business was blowing up and I was finally feeling like I had a little tiny bit of certainty, which made me feel really happy. Because remember, I was, you know, wanting to be in control and have certainty. And so then the pandemic can. And for me, it was all over again, you know, oh my gosh, no certainty. There's, how am I going to be safe? How am I going to take care of bills? How are How am I going to pay for things? How will I take care of my son? It was really bad for me.

And so the funny thing is that actually now, for the first time, here we are two years in and I'm understanding, it's a blessing for me. And that's so crazy because people used to say that to me, try to find the blessing. And I'd be like, screw you. There's no freaking blessing. My money's out the window. No speaking engagements. And my kids on virtual school, I want to jump out of window.

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and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash confidence. So I get now today, it took me two years to realize this, that it was a blessing for me because I still was trying to re-assimilate that same individual I was in corporate America. I was just trying to do it working for myself. I was trying to be in control, find the certainty, command that things had to be a certain way. That's not real. And this pandemic has taught me this. But the funny thing is, it was never real. None of us are in control of everything. And we can delude ourselves and pretend we are, but it's going to hurt us in the end. It definitely hurt me. and I want you to know this. You're not in control. I'm not in control. And that's okay. And so it's

taking me a really long time to get to this place. And I'm a work in progress. Believe you me, I wake up some days and I still think, oh my gosh, panic. I'm not in control. And I have to talk to myself and say, I never was in control. And I've always been okay. And things have always worked out. And they still will always work out. The more calm and centered and positive I can get and get myself back to the sooner I can find solutions, become creative, and build momentum, and find success. So, and joy, of course, which is the ultimate success. But when I get into that trying to control, I get negative, fearful, and angry, and that

blocks my success. So anyways, I've had this big epiphany, and it all started really with the pandemic happening and some of the things that I've seen happen that I'm actually, I'm mapping it out. So I already know this. Every time I come up with a book idea, I start building a map. And so I started mapping out this week what I'm talking to you about right now. So I know this is going to be my third book. I'm just sure of it. Why else would I be mapping it out the same way I did my first two books? So kind of cool. But I'm writing down all of these different things that happened, what I learned where these paths led me from going to dinner one night during the pandemic with a girlfriend and her giving this talk about forgiveness and how important it was. And I had never. thought about bringing forgiveness into my life as an intention and something as a practice to start working on to forgive myself, forgive the woman that fired me, forgive my mother, forgive all these people that I had anger towards in my life. And as I started working through those things, amazing people started showing up in my life. David Nurse, John Gordon, Jordan Montgomery,

these three guys who are all amazing, incredible human beings simultaneously showed up in my life out of nowhere, didn't know any of them, and have each been a blessing and a gift to me and done so many things for me. You can't believe it behind the scenes who these people are. Incredible. People, incredible. David and John have both been on the show. Clearly, I have to have Jordan on the show. You guys have to follow them. They're so amazing. I worship them. Then, you know, dealing with all my book launch issues and all the supply chain issues and things not going the way that I wanted to mandate that they would because I was never in control. but I had been fooling myself, planning for things to go exactly the way that I thought they should go. Right. So as we moved into the end of 2021, I made this big intention that I was going to change things in my life.

I was going to make things easier, not struggle so much because the struggle's been real in my life for a really long time. You know, people see the positive wins, and there's a lot of them. There's a lot to be proud of and excited about, but it's always been really hard. and I want to start making things easier and start being in the flow of life. This thing I've heard about, but never have really mastered, right? At 47 years old, I really want to start mastering this. And so it's just been incredible of things and the awareness that has started showing up as I started clearing out old stuff out of my house, literally and figuratively. I'm like, Dylan, we're getting rid of everything in this house that we're not using on a day-to-day basis. And we just clean this house like crazy in December and got rid of so much stuff.

And I put this intention out there that God, universe, I am going to go with the flow of the universe. I am open to receiving blessings. I am open to wonderful things happening for me. I am open to miracles occurring every day. I am worthy and I am abundant and I am receiving. And so this was a big thing for me because I've never had a mantra like that ever, nor has that ever been my intent for a year. This year for me is all about receiving and this openness and flow. And allowing, allowing, and this release, releasing the struggle, right?

And letting go that I am in control of everything and letting go of that I even could be, which I can't be, but even just the thought of it that no one has control and it's still okay, that we're supported by something so much bigger and greater than all of us. Whoever that is for you, the universe, God, it doesn't matter what words you use, but we all know there's something much bigger at work here than us. And so for me, it's about surrendering to that, which is so crazy because the word surrender has not been in my vocabulary. You know, I'm more about command control. And now I'm dropping those words and embracing surrender, receive acceptance, right?

It's just make things easier. We have that power. And it feels really weird because I'm learning this new thing and trying to master this new thing, which is the polar opposite of how I've always thought. And I'm telling you, this podcast has played a critical role in this journey. And I know I'm only begetting the journey. So it's kind of crazy. I can't wait. And I'm so grateful I have this documented to be able to go back and reflect on, you know,

three months from now, six months from now, nine months and a year from now to see how and where this takes me. Okay. So one of the things that I became aware of is I worked so hard. So when you're a speaker, you're flying all over, you're on or virtual. You're doing zooms all over and you're writing and rewriting speeches. you're there every day doing the work, right? And then as an author, you're the one holding the pen, writing the book. And then as a consultant and as a one-on-one executive coach, you're on the Zoom in the meeting doing the work, right? When you're on a board of directors, you're the one in there advising

everybody what to do. The things that I do, I have to be there and actually do the work. And that's not easy, right? That's a lot of work. So as I've grown older, I know this. I want to do things that I don't have to be there for every day to make me money. And I want that for you, too. Whether, you know, a lot of people invest in properties and own multiple properties and they don't have to be there and they're growing income because of decisions they made, I want to have something similar. And as I put this intent out there, as I've written down my goals, you know, as I read them daily, as I visualize my life being easier and money coming in, even more than I've ever made before and abundance and gratitude and all these positive things happening, all of a sudden,

the other day, I think it was two weeks ago, I'm sitting at a table in my house and I'm looking in front of me and there's this beautiful candle, which I received as a gift in 2019 from a very dear friend of mine who had started her own candle company. And it's engraved. And it's engraved with the quotes from my first book, Confidence Creator. And inside the candle is personally engraved to me from her, my friend Annabel. And I'm sitting here and I'm worried. And I'm looking at it, and this has been in my house. It's a huge gorgeous candle. I mean, the thing is unbelievable. It's been in my house since 2019, and somehow I just forgot about it until this moment. But again, don't forget, I've been putting all this work out there about this intent and all,

you know, I'm every day waking up and saying, God, please close the doors that are no longer meant for me and please open the ones that are universe. I know you have my back. I trust that things will work out. I trust I will be in the flow and the answers will come to me. I am in receiving mode. I am grateful. And I see this candle. And suddenly, I remember that morning I had received a DM from someone saying, Heather, I love your post on LinkedIn. How do I keep them with me everywhere I go? I print them out very often, but it doesn't look nice in my office. Is there a nicer way I could do it? And I thought, oh my gosh, that's such a good idea. I don't know. And I'm sitting there looking at this candle. And immediately I 9-1-1, my friend Annabel. I said, I need to speak to you immediately.

she calls me, she's like, what's going on? I said, you and I need to create a collab together around all of my posts, all of my quotes, all of my powerful moments from my books, and, you know, around my hashtag boss in heels, hashtag confidence creator to help support people when they need that messaging in their home, not just on the podcast, not just in the book, or not just on social. And she's like, done and done, Heather, I love it. I'd love to do this with you. mind you, that candle's been sitting in my house since 2019, and I never had that idea. And suddenly it just popped into my head and the candle stuck out at me. It was crazy. This is literally like the movie The Secret. So within a couple of days, she comes back to me and she's like,

okay, candles are coming to your house. The candles arrive. They're gorgeous. They're actually better now than when she launched a company a few years ago. The packaging is five-star. The smell of the candle is unbelievable. She has so many different sense. Everything can be personalized on it. They're so beautiful. And in a world of automation, right, in a world of these cookie cutter responses, to send someone something that has a personal note from you is amazing and different and unique and special. So anyways, I partnered with her on this. We have the site up and I wanted to go to market for Valentine's Day. And here's why there's so many people that have normalized that if you're not in a relationship on Valentine's Day, that's bad, you know. And I'm not saying it's great,

right, because I'm single and it's definitely, it can be challenging. But I want people to remember that you are not bad or good if you're in a relationship or not, right? I've been married. I've been engaged twice. I've been divorced. I've been single. I am single. I've been all the things. And it doesn't mean me a better or worse person depending on what box you check, right at that time. So I wanted people to know, you are enough, no matter what box. you do check. So we launched a candle, which you can get right now. It will link will be in the show notes that has the box to check single, the box to check taken, and the box to check building your empire. And that's the one we checked on this one. But I want you to know, it doesn't matter who you are.

It doesn't matter what box you check. If you check all, none or any, it doesn't matter. You are enough already with who you are inside. Just be you. And so I wanted this candle to be available for people. I'm sure there's a woman in your life that you know that is single, that might be bummed out, that might not see her potential, that might not know her greatness that you see. Please, I would love it if you would personalize one of these candles for her and give her a note inside that you have her back, that you see her potential, and that you know she's enough. So any personalization, any note you want can go inside. Check it out right now. Link is in the show notes. I'm super proud. I'm so proud of my girl, Annabelle. I love the collab. Wait until you see

these products. They're flipping amazing. It's literally all the quotes from my post. We picked all the ones that have gone viral. So data doesn't lie. We're leaning into the data. But really, this is about you personalizing and have the opportunity to affect and impact somebody's life on what could be a difficult day. You can turn that around for them. So I hope that you love it. I hope you love this episode. Let me know if you do. Share with your friends. Please leave a review. Please. And tag me in the post when you share it. I will respond. I will repost. and that will tell me that you like this episode and that you want more of this. And I will create the content that you want more of.

I'm doing this for you. I'm so grateful for you. Please check out the candles and let me know what you think. I can't wait to hear. And by the way, when I create these ideas and go after these things, I have no idea if we'll sell any candles or millions of candles, right? I just know, move fast, break things, test and try. The marketplace will let you know what works. You don't need to figure that out.

Let the universe show us the way. All right, we're moving in the flow and we're doing it with confidence. Until next week, keep creating your confidence.