Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan - #222: Now Is The Time To Focus On YOU & Forget Your Villains With Heather!

Episode Date: June 1, 2022

In This Episode You Will Learn About:  Surrounding yourself with positive people   Finding peace with your villains   Putting yourself first Resources: Overcome Your Villains is Available NOW! Order here: https://overcomeyourvillains.com  If you haven't yet, get my first book Confidence Creator Show Notes:  How do you react when you face your villains? You need to stand up for yourself, because people will treat you how YOU teach them to! Focus on YOU, and release your villains from your life. Let them go! Choose to surround yourself with people who ADD to your life, not bring you down. I’m going to read you a chapter from Confidence Creator so you can learn how to solve problems with confidence and find NEW solutions. Remember to take the time you deserve to prioritize your peace. It’s time to listen to your intuition and focus on you! 

I'm on this journey with me. Each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals. We'll overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow. I'm ready for my close-up. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me this week. I hope everyone had a fantastic Memorial Day weekend. And hopefully you got a chance to take a break from work, take a break from the phone.

Oh my gosh, I certainly did. while I'm recording this, I'm just thinking about yesterday and I spent the day with friends and I wasn't on my phone at all. And it was such an amazing feeling. And so often it's hard to do that, right? But after you do it, you feel like a million bucks. So challenging you this week or this weekend at some point, pick out a few hours, whatever it is, five hours, seven hours, I don't know. And detach from that phone, you will feel so much better. Go outside for a walk. Go to the beach. Whatever it is for you, I'm a beach person. We were definitely at the beach. And it was so worth it, so fun.

And I actually want to get into one of the conversations that one of my friends brought up. But first, I don't want to forget to answer your question. So I'm going to answer a question that I received DM on Instagram. Okay, hey, Heather, listen to Overcome Your Villains on Audible and then Conference Creator. You are an inspiration. Now I'm listening to your podcast and recommending it to others. So helpful. Oh, my gosh, you guys, when you share the show or your feedback on the books or the show with

anyone. It helps me so much. You have no idea. And so often I get notes from people saying, I'm sure you don't need the help, but let's just put it out there. Yeah, I need the help. Right. It's a super competitive industry, whether you're an author, a speaker, or a podcast host, there are thousands of other people that do the same thing I do. So I'm always fighting for, how can I get heard? How can I get shared? How can people recommend? Right. We live in a review and recommendation world, and it is really helpful when someone says, hey, I listen to this show, I love it, and I think you'll love it too. So whenever you can do that, it means the world to me. Yes, I need your help. Nobody succeeds alone, including this girl right here. Okay. So, Heather,

a few of my villains were in the church. This is interesting because I have not received a note like this before. Really, I found this very interesting. Not that I'm shocked, by the way, by this, because villains can be everywhere. Right. They are everywhere, by the way. Okay. So a few of my villains are in church. There was a transition during this time. It goes into some detail, which I don't want to get into. But talking about, you know, different people within the church and how from one situation or another, people were getting angry. You know, and it's interested, the church is like the one place you think this kind of stuff wouldn't happen. People wouldn't be villains. They wouldn't be saying nasty things. They wouldn't be getting angry. Yet it happens everywhere. I feel like I had to take

their nonsense because I loved my job and I love the church, which I get that too. I need to flexibility for my family and my kids, and I thought I had such a good situation. I didn't want to ruin everything for my family. And my family was involved, right? Because it's church. People, I get it. After all this craziness, I ended up leaving. So that was, I'm sure, a very hard decision. However, absolutely the right decision. Because when you're surrounded by villains, you're never going to reach your potential. You're never going to attract your right people. And you're never going to find peace for yourself, right? And this whole life is about finding peace and joy. And I'm proud of you for making that very difficult decision. I see how complex it is when when things get

involved with the church. I really do understand, have a lot of empathy for that. Okay. So she goes on to say none of these people that, you know, her villains really realized the extent of, you know, basically the abuse they were causing this woman, which that happens very often, right? Most people, it's easy to see situations in others. It's very hard often to see it in yourself. I find this all the time with people. I'll sit down and talk with my friends and they'll explain a situation to me. And I'm like, oh my gosh, it's so clear. Here's the answer. However, certainly isn't that easy for myself when I'm saying, how do I grow my show? Why is why am I not selling millions of books yet? You know, I can't point to it real quick and figure out the answer, but it's very easy for

others to do that sometimes. So I'm not shocked that they didn't realize the extent of how horrible they were being to this woman. I'm sure, P.S., you know, I relate this back to my own life and my story, I'm sure the woman that harassed me at work, you know, I'm sure she knew that it wasn't ideal or, you know, she wasn't being really nice, but I bet she didn't think it was the worst thing in the world to the extent of which I knew it was, right? It's just, it's so much more obvious on the outside looking in, and sometimes it's really hard to identify in when it is you, right? So, okay, I get that. I believe that. That makes sense. What do you do when you encounter your villain now? Okay, I'm going to pause right there. So number one, and I get asked this question a lot,

I have never run into that woman again. Isn't that funny? Because she lives in Naples. She is the CEO of a company in Naples, Florida. And what's funny, I live in Miami. However, I'm on the board of directors of a company headquartered in Naples, Florida, right? So I have to go over to Naples pretty often, right? At least once a quarter. So multiple times a year, I'm in Naples. Naples is a very small city. And the hotel that I typically stay at over there, which is funny, it was the same hotel that I would stay at when I I worked for her company. You know, one day it was so random. I was leaving the hotel after a board meeting and packed up my car. And I saw there was a lot of people in the hotel and I wondered, oh, maybe there's a conference or something. I don't know. Whatever.

You know, I got in my car and took off. I end up getting a text from a good friend of mine from Miami who happened to be in Naples on vacation with his family, staying at the same hotel I had just checked out of. The irony is crazy. And he texts me to say, oh, my gosh, take a look at this. and he took a picture. It was the annual conference for the company I used to work for, and it was happening at the same hotel.

I was staying at for my board meeting, and I just didn't hang, you know, I didn't go into eat breakfast or whatever before I left or lunch or whatever it was. I just grabbed my stuff and left once the meeting was done. So I was in the same hotel with that woman, my villain, and I did not see her. So sort of interesting.

So I haven't run into my villain to answer her question and answer the question. I'm asked very often. I haven't. So I don't know necessarily how I would respond. I think I know, but you don't know until you're in it, right? There's nothing that matches being in it. But I can tell you is that woman who fired me, she had a right hand, our general counsel at the time back when I worked at the company.

And they were a fricking frack. They did everything together. They hated on me together, right? They were just not very nice. And I ran into the GC on a flight right before COVID hit. I was leaving L.A. and flying back to Fort Lauderdale. and she was on the same flight that I was. And I'll tell you, my heart started racing.

It was the craziest thing. And what I want to explain to everyone about this is your body will naturally be triggered by certain people or situations, smells, locations, whatever it is, because your brain is just hardwired that way, right? So for me, I worked side by side with this G.C. for 14 years, she always treated me terribly. in the end, her and her buddy fired me, right? It was a very negative experience. I didn't stand up for myself very often, so I didn't feel good about it. Seeing her face triggered that feeling and emotion inside me of, oh, my gosh, they treat me horrible.

I hate seeing them at work. I can't stay. I felt so emotional. It took me back to that time when I had worked with them and I didn't like it. I actually text my friend from the plane who still worked at that old company. And I said, oh, my gosh, I just ran into the GC. I'm sweating bullets. I can't believe that she's here.

And he writes back, whoa, slow down. You don't even have to work with her anymore. What do you care? You should be jumping up and down saying, hey, I'm living my best life. I don't have to work with this jerk anymore. You know, it was so obvious to him. It wasn't to me emotionally charged in the moment. But I felt so grateful to say, he's right.

I should be jumping up and down. I don't have to work with that nasty lady. And I'm seeing her and I'm remembering how bad it felt to be around her. And I don't have to feel like that anymore. And I'm so grateful. So, you know, that actually reminds me of there's a scientific experiment called Pavla's Law, which is all about scientists, training dogs that whenever they hear a bell, they're going to be fed. It ended up happening as the minute they'd hear the bell, their body would start reacting as if they had already eaten.

Their mouth would salivate. And then they'd remove the food, and it would take a while for them to be unconditioned from that bell. Well, this woman, this general counsel, she was the bell to my body to signify. I upset, fear, anger, resentment, whatever these emotions were I was holding. And it worked. I was triggered immediately. I didn't do anything. I went and sat in my seat. But luckily, I reached out to this friend who still worked with her and said, oh, she's still nastiest ever, horrible as ever. Jump up and down. You don't have to work with her and be grateful. And it really helped me flip that perspective. So here we go. So, you know, she wanted to know how I reacted when I saw my villain. I didn't.

I saw one of my villains and I really, you know, kept it together. I did not, I didn't say anything to her, by the way, I just walked right by. I kept my head held high and wasn't about to smile or say hello to her. Okay, she says, all right, well, my villain acts as if we're on great terms, like basically as nothing bad ever happened. She left quietly, you know, trying to take the high road, which I totally, I get it. She said, I'm grateful because leaving me has led me to a better career, but still just yuck, right? Like, it's almost as if, and I get this, you feel like this lady's getting away with something. She treated you terribly. And now she's acting like you're. buddies, total BS, right? So to me, I would probably say something in a calm manner,

but you know, you need to stand up for yourself. And here's the thing. People will treat you the way you teach them to. Now, another thing I know is you want to forgive people, you want to let go of anger and move on. And that's a process. It took a long time for me to do that. But it benefited me in the end. The more I used to focus on how nasty that lady was, the more I would focus on how upset she made me, the more upset and angry I stayed. and the less I put my time and energy onto building my business and my life that I was creating, right? So once I finally forgave her, let go of her, released her from my life, I was no longer tethered to her in any way. I didn't have to spend my time thinking about her, seeing how the company performance was going.

I let it go. And once I let it go, my business started building more because I put my attention to my energy there. So that's number one I would say is, you know, find forgiveness in your heart, not for them but for you. Undo those tethered. They're no longer tethered to you. You've taken the high roll. You've moved on. You made the right decision for you. You put yourself first. Cheering you on. So freaking amazing that you did that. And start putting your time, energy, and effort towards the things that you want to create in your life and let go of that past. Okay. That's number one. Promise you it works. I'm not saying it's easy, but it is simple. Okay. Now she goes on to say, hey, can I clarify a little? I sometimes meet up with people back from the church because we're still friends. Of course. Occasionally we're at an event. and people, you know, a lot of people from the church are there and everyone's kind of showing up to support one another and they're happy to see that woman. And then I'm in an awkward situation, you know, because some people are still in relationships with her and it just doesn't seem right for me to treat her coldly and then raise questions. I just don't feel like answering. And yet,

it doesn't feel right to sit and act like things are fine. So, okay, first of all, you got to check in with the one voice and opinion that matters and that's your own. And it always will be your own. Like, forget about everybody else for a minute. Tune out the noise around you. I get that there's people there and you don't want them to be taken aback by something you say, but you have to focus on you first, right? It's not about them. It's about you.

And you can't control how other people feel or what they're going to say anyways. Frankly, it's none of your business, right? That's about them. Move on. But when you think about you, what in your mind, if there's no consequence, there's no fear, you're the most confident personal world, you're scared of nothing. What is it that would be right for you to do? And if that answer is that you would want to walk up to that woman and say, hey, I'm making it up, hey, Jen, good to see you. Can I speak to you in private for a quick moment and go into a separate area and say, listen, I've thought long and hard about this. When I left, I didn't really get into why I left. However, I just want to say this, things did not end well with you and I. I've forgiven you and released you from what's happened. However, when you come up to me and want to engage in small talk as if we're friends, I don't feel.

the same way. We aren't friends. Things didn't, you know, end well. And while I don't want to go back and rehash us up, I certainly don't want to fight with you. I wish you well. Like I said, I forgive you and I move on, but I also don't want to pretend we're friends when we're not. I hope you understand that. And I wish you the best. And I would walk away, right? That's, to me, that's like taking the high road yet owning what really happened and not playing this game of, oh, let's pretend. Everything's amazing. And we had no problems, right? Because I do get it. It's Like, that person's getting away with it. Now, you don't need to raise a red flag and start shouting from the rooftops for everyone to hear that that person is a complete jerk and bad person. People will find that out in time.

And I promise that. And I go back to my villain. I remember when I first got fired, so many people would say, are you going to call everybody and tell them what she did and how she stabbed you in the back? And I thought, no, why would I do that? That's wasting my time. I mean, the truth is what it is. And listen, the truth will come out in the end. But at that time, it's kind of like this David and Goliath story in my situation, or I felt it was that there was this huge company, hundreds of millions of dollars annually billing a year.

She was just appointed CEO, stepping into, you know, taking total charge of this huge job and huge opportunity. And I was this one person that got cast out. You know, hey, you don't get any money. Don't get any severance. You get nothing. Go. And you have a non-compete. You can't stay in the industry.

Best of luck, get out. And so it felt like that David and Goliath moment. What would happen? cut to, you know, here we are almost five years later, and her company is not doing well. Stock's trading at like a dollar, I think. And my business is growing and building. Things play out on their own. You don't have to sabotage someone. You don't have to be as nasty as they were. You speak your truth. You own your truth. You know, you share your story with and how and whoever you want to, but you don't have to sabotage them to get even. In fact, I recommend not doing that. I certainly did not go make phone

calls to people to say, hey, I want you to know how she did me wrong. You know, I just thought, people are going to find out who this lady is in the end. And if they want to be friends with her, that speaks to who they are. I'm not that kind of person. I'm not going to, you know, cheer someone on when they're stab people in the back and are nasty and backhanded. But at the same time, I'm not going to go waste my time making phone calls, trying to make sure everybody hears my side of the story. And I also feel like that's when you become more confident when you realize I don't need to be concerned with how everybody else is going to respond, what they're going to think what they're going to do, I need to be listening to the one voice and opinion that matters.

That's my own. And I need to do what's right by me. And I'm going to learn along the way, right? Like, I'm going to make mistakes. I'm not going to do everything right. But I'm going to learn along the way and grow, own the mistakes and the flaws that I have and continue to move forward the best way that I can. And as you do that, those right people will show up for you. Those good people, they're out there. And when you fire those villains, you start attracting those right people to your life. So to this woman that had wrote that really nice message about the church and the challenge she was having, I truly believe for you, it's about forgiving that woman in your mind. You don't need to tell her that if you don't want to, whatever, how it works for you, but so that you take your energy

back and your attention back and start putting it on the things that you want to focus on and you want to grow it, your new business and with your family. And the next time you do see her, I would recommend taking her to side for a minute and just letting her know that you're not friends and you're not enemies, but that you need to call it out because there's some reason that she's missing something. Maybe she doesn't realize that you felt really badly about the way she treated you, but you just need to let it be known that you forgive her, that you're moving on from it, but that you're also not looking to be friends and that you wish her the best luck. So that's how I would handle it.

I don't know. I'm interested to hear how you would handle it or what you think about that. But yeah, I agree. Saying nothing and turning a blind eye to bad behavior is never the right answer for sure. If your anxiety, depression, or ADHD are more than a rough patch, you don't need just another meditation app. Takayatry makes it easy to see a psychiatrist online using your insurance in days. Takayatry is 100% online psychiatry practice that provides comprehensive evaluations, diagnoses, and ongoing medication management for conditions like ADHD, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, OCD, PTSD, insomnia, and more.

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That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash confidence to get free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash confidence. So I wanted to mention something. I had this great day with a bunch of girlfriends this past weekend Memorial Day weekend. And one of my good friends said she worked really hard on her mindset before COVID. And then when COVID came, you know, she really moved into kind of survival mode, which I get it. I'm right there with her. And that what she's noticing now that it's 2022 is that she never really got back to that commitment

and discipline of working on personal development all the time and that she's noticed her confidence is dipping a little, which is totally normal. Like anything, if you stop going to the gym for a while, you're not going to be as strong. If you take your attention and focus off of pushing yourself to that next level, stepping into your confidence, growing your confidence, you're going to build it and grow it. If you forget about it and ditch it for a while, it's going to start to a road. That's very normal. So I thought it was such a big deal that she acknowledged that, you know, she got really clear on what her goals were. And she started talking about, I'm going to have to start doing things differently. I'm going to have to start focusing on my personal development again. I'm going to have to start focusing on building my confidence again. And when I get to that point, here's what I want to do.

Here's what that's going to look like. So I was so happy for her to hear we all hit bumps in the road. Jeez, COVID's beyond a bump, obviously. COVID was a nightmare for many people, including myself, first world problems. But, you know, I just, I was so proud to hear, yeah, okay, we took a step back. We, you know, maybe didn't make the right decisions for a moment, but we can get back up. We know what success looks like and we can rebuild it again. And so it was such a big moment for her. She declared that goal that she wants to go after. She knows what she needs to look like in order to achieve that goal. And she's taking the steps starting today to work on her personal development, to work on her confidence, to start pushing herself, to start reading the books that she was reading before, start listening to a podcast like this one, you know, that are going to encourage her to make that leap, to talk to the friends and allies and mentors in our life that are cheering her on and helping her grow, not the ones that want her to fail. So you have those same choices every single day. You know, one of the best pieces of advice that same woman gave me was I drive a ton because my son goes to school very far away and we're in the car a lot. And she said,

why don't you start listening to Audible books and podcasts when you're driving? For some reason, I just had never done that. I always listen to music, right? And so now I look forward to being in the car oftentimes because I'm like, oh, great, I get to pick up on this personal development book or this great podcast I'm learning from. And, you know, now being in the car is an opportunity to learn and grow. So see where you can fit in personal growth. See if you can do it while you're driving in the car a lot if that's something that maybe traffic is bad where you live like Miami. Oh my gosh. It's insane. So now it's actually something, it's a great time for me. It's my personal development time when I'm in the car and I actually get excited. And here's the thing.

Frequency sells, right? The more you hear messaging over and over again, the more it is ingrained in your subconscious. That means the more you just defer to. it immediately. McDonald's does not run one advertisement a day. They run hundreds, if not thousands of ads a day. They want to be ingrained in your subconscious that when you're hungry, oh, McDonald's, they have, you know, whatever their little jinglas. So it's using that same methodology that advertisers use to affect and impact you so that you're thinking about their products when you don't even know you're thinking about them. Use that information, use that research and methodology, but use it based on your strategy. So for me, if I'm getting into thoughts are things

and my thoughts are powerful, I'm constantly listening to audible books in my car that are reminding me what you focus on is going to determine where you go. What are you focusing on right now? Right. So I'm in this window of time right now. That's something I'm working on and really making sure I'm not focusing on a negative situation in the past that I worked with because that's just going to draw me backwards. I want to focus on where I'm going, what I'm creating, where I'm moving to, what my new product is next, right? Like all these exciting things. And I want to put my energy and efforts towards that. And I want that for you too. So be really clear on the information that you're accessing daily frequency cells. If you're around negative people all the time, it will impact

you negatively. Fire your villains. Okay. Now, I want to read a quick chapter to you from my first book, Confidence Creator, because it is brought up to me very often. And I'm super excited to tell you. I can't give you the whole thing now, but I'm creating a new product that will be coming out this year. Hopefully very soon, the thing is, with creating products, there can be random delays. But let's hope it's going to be very soon. Let's hope in the next couple of weeks I'm going to be announcing it and you can get it and see it and I can't wait. It's so amazing. I'm so proud. And P.S., I have no idea how well it's going to do. People always say to me, How did you know Confidence Creator would do really well?

I didn't know. I had no idea if I would sell one book or one million. I didn't know if it would do well in a week or in 10 years. I don't know. But I'm willing to stand behind things that align with who I am, resonate with me, and I have a good feeling about. They all don't do well. There are plenty of things that I created. I launched a skincare line with a company.

Failed. Epic fail. I launched my partnership for a clothing line with Perry Ellis International. fail, right? So there's lots of things that have failed along this way over the past four years that, you know, I've test and try things, but I know this. And I know this from working in an industry that didn't change and evolve. Doing nothing is death, right? Staying with the old and what has worked in the past will not deliver you to a bigger, better, bolder future. I do believe, test, try, try. I've been working with one of my clients on how to acquire new clients. And he's only ever done it

the way through his sales team. And so I start talking to him about that's an old way of doing business. We need to look at partnerships. We need to look at getting you on virtual stages where you can affect and potentially reach thousands of potential customers at one time. The conversations go on and on, but it's a very different way of looking at acquiring business versus being someone who just relies on the way that you've always done it. So stop relying on the way that you've always done it. Start thinking about how else can you solve a problem. What new way can you invent and how can you innovate? And you will start to do that. Okay, chapter one confidence creator, remind yourself.

Mom, can you write on my shoes? That's what my nine-year-old son, Dylan, asked me at 6.30 in the morning before school. It was rushing around the kitchen, trying to make breakfast, and get his backpack before we had to fly out the door, and he's asking me to write on his shoes. What? Hurry up. We're going to be late. I saw that he was holding out one of his basketball sneakers and a Sharpie. I knew he had a game that night, but still had no idea what he was talking about. What am I writing? I want you to write you can do all things on the bottom of my shoe. I think he saw

the blank look on my face, so he explained, Mom, no matter how good you are and no matter how talented you are, every once in a while, you need to remind yourself. When you're in a tough spot, you have to remember who you are. You can't feel confident every minute of every day. True story. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How brilliant was this? I wrote out the phrase for him and marker on the bottom of his shoe, and I handed it back to him. He ran off and finished packing his bag while I watched him in stunned silence. I couldn't get over what had just happened. My son taught me the importance of reminders. I literally cried. I was 41 and still struggling with my confidence. It took me years to learn how to believe in myself. He was nine, but he was already capable of creating

a confidence safety net that he could turn to for support when he needed it. At the time, I was a CRO for a radio company. Because of my job and my role in various charities, I was often required to speak in front of large groups of people at functions. But it wasn't always easy for me. I would feel nervous before I would take the podium. I'd look out to a sea of faces who were all staring at me, and I would feel doubt creeping. I would question myself, that's not a comfortable position to be in. Deep down, I knew that I was capable. But there were times when I found it difficult to call on that confidence. Dylan was right. We need to support ourselves during challenging moments. So after that talk with my son, I took a page from his playbook. I started to write little reminders

on my shoes whenever I found myself nervous about making a speech or attending a big meeting. One month later, I was asked to speak at a charity luncheon for an organization called City Year Miami. They mentor inner city youth to give them the direction they need to get through school without dropping out. Many of those kids didn't have a support system. Many were impoverished and living in dark places. They were just trying to get by. It wasn't easy to have confidence and trust in yourself when growing up in that environment. So one thing I wanted to stress in my speech was that those kids could learn confidence.

Confidence is a skill that can be learned and not one that they had to be born with. What better way to prove that than by using myself as an example? At the end of my speech, I told that story about my son and the message he wanted me to write on his basketball shoe. I brought the actual shoe up with me to the podium. I even showed everyone the message that I wrote on the bottom of my heels that morning. The very next day, I was sitting at my desk at work when I opened up my email and saw that my mailbox was filled with messages from my friends and coworkers who attended the luncheon. They had all sent me pictures of the notes they wrote on their shoes. I love me. I deserve better.

I can do this. I am not alone. The messages went on and on. The ladies really got into it. Today, I write reminders to myself on my computer. I have reminders that pop up on my iPhone. I hide some inside my clothes around my house. I even have a picture frame that says,

Hello, gorgeous. I sometimes forget where I put them, so when I come across one, it will always bring a smile to my face. More importantly, those reminders have a lasting impact. We all need people who pick us up when we're down, but sometimes it's a job that we can do ourselves. Playing a role in our own rescue is the ultimate key.

Sometimes it's as simple as having access to reminders. If you ever see me at an event, you can bet that I'll have a supportive message on the bottom of my heels. Okay, that was Chapter 1 from Confidence Creator. If you love that book, go to Audible and get it. It's an Audible bestseller, confidence creator, and yes, your girl narrates it. Okay, until next week, keep creating your confidence, keep pushing yourself to that next level, and keep reminding yourself of what you are capable for. If you can share the show, it will mean the world to me.

Tag me in it. I will always repost and reshare. Keep creating your confidence.