Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan - #236: The Steps You NEED To Change Your Life with Heather!

Episode Date: July 20, 2022

In This Episode You Will Learn About:  Using challenges to grow Reflecting on your progress Finding the joy  Resources: Overcome Your Villains is Available NOW! Order here: https://overcomeyourvillains.com  If you haven't yet, get my first book Confidence Creator Show Notes:  Positive change can come from the most unexpected places! What can seem like a breakdown is actually a breakTHROUGH! When I am going through a tough time, I try to remember: find the joy and see how a challenge can be a gift. Focus on the solutions and bit by bit you will grow! Believe me. You can change everything to create the life you want. Need to know the steps how? Today I read a chapter from Confidence Creator to make it easy. 

I'm on this journey with me. Each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals. We'll overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me this week. Okay, I was thinking today as we are in the middle of July, and I was thinking about one year ago and how much life can change in one year. It's incredible. So if you don't know, if you haven't been with me for a while, a year ago, my son had come out of Zoom school and had not done very well, like most kids, you know, just wasn't very engaged on the computer all year and had to make up some classwork. So he ended up going to an academic camp for four weeks in July last year. Now it doesn't sound like that big a deal, but let me break it down for you. Again, first world problems, I know. but my son's an athlete and the only camps he'd ever been to are sports camps, right, to play basketball and do the things he loved.

But now it was basically get on a plane, fly to Boston, drive to New Hampshire, go into this really rural camp and do homework and learn all day. And you don't get any access to your phone other than 10 minutes a day and you live in a tent. Okay, not that appealing, right? So especially when you're used to living in South Beach. right in a condo in South Beach and you know can basically do whatever you want okay so this was not an exciting time for him and of course as a mother it wasn't really for me either right but I knew listen the alternative was you're going to have to repeat the grade if you don't make up the work right so he thought long and hard about it and he said okay I'm clearly not going to repeat the grade I

need to make up the work so it was his choice so you know like anything somebody has to want to put in the work, someone has to want to make the change, you know, go to the camp, whatever it may be. And he did want to do that. So that was what mattered. But as we got closer to him leaving, I could sense that he was getting a little nervous and not looking forward to it, of course. And so I'll never forget on the day that he was leaving, he had packed all of his stuff up and he had come out to see me and he said, you know what, this just isn't going to work. I can't fit everything I need in this bag. and it says you can only have one bag, right? There's all these criteria on what you're allowed to bring and what you have to bring.

And he couldn't fit it in the suitcase. So he was saying, well, basically, this is a wash. It's not going to work. And I said, let's focus on the solutions. He was so focused on the problem. And like anyone, when you're in a rut, you're not looking forward to something. It's easy to go down that path, right, and just focus on what's wrong. For me, I wasn't boarding the plane to go to Boston and then New Hampshire and live in a tent for a

so I was able to focus on the solution. And that's why it's so important who we surround ourselves with, who we tap for help when we need it. So I stood next to him. I was looking at the bag. I was looking at the other things he couldn't fit in. I was thinking, I'm looking for solutions. I'm looking for solutions. And it hits me. There was another zipper on the bag that when you unzipped, it popped up and it gave you like twice as much space. But because he was so flustered and frustrated. He'd forgotten about that in the moment, completely understandable. But for me, I had a different perspective, and I was so focused on the solution that just came to me. So we got all of his stuff in, and I just reminded him, you know, along the way, you're going to find obstacles,

you're going to find challenges, stay focused on the solutions, and they'll always present themselves. They do. They just, they inevitably will. So sadly, I said goodbye. He went to camp, and he got his phone for 10 minutes a day every evening. And so he would call me, and it was awful. You know, he's saying, this is horrible. There's bugs everywhere. And I live in a tent. And they make us, you know, clean. And it was not what he was accustomed to, putting it mildly. And so I would try to be super positive, like, oh my gosh, let's count the days down. Let's cross them off together, you know, trying to make him feel more hopeful and focus on the goal, not on the daily. grind and daily challenges. So, oh my gosh. All right. So then one night I'm out to dinner with my

girlfriend right near my house and I get a phone call and it's from the camp and they tell me, your son is in the emergency room. We think he's broken his arm. It's like at 8 o'clock at night on a random night. I'm like, you got to be kidding me. So I head home immediately. I'm panicked. I'm losing my mind, literally crying my eyes out so worried that he's alone in an emergency room in New Hampshire. You know, and what the heck is going on? I can't get to him. So eventually I get a phone call back from him that night. He was playing basketball, broke his arm, and he's back now at the camp.

Complete disaster. So upsetting, so scary. Right, but he's okay. So, again, you know, he actually calmed me down that night because I was so worried about him. Okay, cut to I get a flight out there. I'm like, okay, I got to get out there to see him. He can't be out there with a broken arm. And I'm thinking in my mind, okay, I'm going to get a flight.

get there. He's going to get in the car and we're going to come home because even though he's only halfway through camp, you know, how can he succeed in an academic camp with a broken arm? And it's the arm that he uses to write with, right? So this is, it's a wrap, it's over, stick a fork in it. So I board a plane. I fly to Boston. I had to deliver a virtual keynote from my hotel room in Boston to L.A. that night. I remember I went to bed, woke up first thing in the morning, drove the three hour ride to New Hampshire or whatever it was, pull up. to this rural academic camp in Wolfborough, New Hampshire. I can't make this stuff up. There's like no road lights out there. It's so crazy. And my son walks out without a bag. And I said, what are you

doing? And he said, Mom, let's go to the hotel and have dinner and we'll talk. And so he presented himself so differently. It was so interesting. It was one of those moments when you're shocked, but you're so proud when you see, you know, that potential within someone materializing. And it just reminded me, you know what, sometimes getting out of your routine is so important to help you grow. So whatever routine you're in right now, maybe pump the brakes for a minute and try something different. Because here, this crazy situation was for him to go to academic camp for a month. And I hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks. And just in that couple of weeks of him being on his own of him breaking his arm and finding a way to figure it out in the emergency room on his

own and doing all these things on his own, he was so much more powerful and so much more confident, even though he had a broken arm, right? It's so crazy. So we go to the hotel and I'm a nervous wreck because I'm like, oh my gosh, I think he's going to stay. And I'm so proud of him, but I'm hopefully he's okay. You know, all these mom worries that I have about my child. but he really had stepped into being such a young man and having grown so much. And just in the 24 hours I got to spend with him, I just saw version 2.0 of my kid. You know, he really had gone to the next level and just was so confident and just such a rock. And I was so proud of him.

And he was so peaceful and just, you know, when you see your people like just thriving, that was that moment. So I said, all right, talk to me about how are you doing this when you can't use your arm? He said, oh, I taught myself to write with the other hand, mic drop moment. I said, you could be kidding him. He said, no, I taught myself how to shower with one arm. I taught myself how to carry things with the wrong arm. I taught myself how to dress with one arm. I taught myself how, and the list went on and on and on.

He stayed focused on the solutions instead of focusing on the problems. And he said, Mom, I didn't come this far to only come this far. I am finishing this camp. It's only two weeks left and I can do it. And I, oh, my gosh, I had to fight back to tears. So as such a proud mother, I drove him back to the camp that next morning. And he turned around, gave me a kiss on the cheek and said, I'll see you in two weeks. And he took off.

And I went back to the rental car and I was in shock. And I got a text from him. And he said, I had to do that because I knew if I made us a big goodbye, you'd be crying the whole entire ride back to Boston. Don't worry. Mom, I'll be fine. I love you. And I just, it was such this, oh, my gosh, it was such a surprising trip. Not what I had expected.

right. I had planned in my mind. I thought I was just picking him up and bringing him home and he was going to have to repeat the greed. But no. And then a week later, craziest thing, I get an email from camp, he won the writer of the week award. And I'm thinking to myself, how do you do that when he's teaching himself how to write with the wrong yet? Like, how does someone do that? And just remind me what is possible is always changing, evolving. And it's up to us to find it, right? Like, it became up to him to find the solutions. And when he did and he stepped into it, he started building momentum and started building success and started building more confident. You know, and it really started all with him having that ability to step out of his comfort zone, that ability to step into something new, the ability to break the old routine and immerse himself in something he had no idea of what he was about to do. So it just reminds me that looking at our lives now versus one year ago, how much it's impacted him, how much he's grown and changed.

And that was really the catalyst, in my opinion. Not only did he show up as this more powerful, confident version of himself where he was able to push himself and see what was possible for him and really expand what was possible for him in his mind. But he also decided on that trip that he wanted to start eating really healthy. Now, as a parent, and for all of you parents listening, I'm sure so many of you have been like, okay, that's enough with the cake or that's enough with the cookies. let's try to have some broccoli, and that's, you know, an ongoing battle as a parent. I never got too crazy about that with my child, but obviously I wished he would eat a little bit healthier, but whatever. He's a young kid, and I kind of chalked it up as that.

But the funny thing was when he went out somewhere else and saw how unhealthy some people ate and the impact of that at this camp, and then how some people ate super healthy and the impact of that, he decided to look at that contrast and make better decisions for himself moving forward all by himself. So it wasn't about me telling him it had to be a certain way. It was about him wanting and choosing something different. And just reminded me no matter how bad we want things for other people, until they want it for themselves, it's not really going to happen. So he now has the most incredible eating habits. And it all stems from that crazy camp, that crazy what I thought was

going to be the worst situation ever, you know, four weeks, ended up being this really life-changing experience for him, not easy at all. None of this was easy. I mean, he literally had to kill bugs every night before he could go to bed because they'd be crawling on his head, and I'm not kidding. It was that bad. But it really ended up being just this incredible gift because he made it be. When you want more, start your business with Northwest Registered Agent and get access to thousands of free guides, tools, and legal forms to help you launch and protect your business. All in one place. Build your complete business identity. identity with Northwest

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No matter what situation you're in or you're looking at or what challenge you're about to face, know that it could be the gift that's going to change everything for you. So cut to a year later, we're sitting here. We're under contract. Yay! The condo selling. And we're going to be moving in the next month. And it's all going to line up with school starting and not having to drive so much. And my child not having to wake up. so flipping early in the morning. All these things are starting to come together that a year ago, oh my gosh, I prayed for them to come together, but I had no idea how they would happen.

And I just, I want you to know whatever situation you're in right now. One year can change things so drastically in ways you could never, ever imagine in ways that are so incredible, so exciting and so positive. But it all starts with you and starts with you being willing to break the routines. that maybe aren't serving you and try something different and step into the unknown and start making small changes until you can build up that momentum and start taking ownership for where you are today instead of blaming others and look within and look at what the solution could be instead of staying so focused on what that obstacle may be. So I just wanted to share that quick little

story with you. And then I was in church and our pastor was sharing a personal story from his life that really struck me that I wanted to share with you. So he's been preaching about the art of joy for the last month. And, you know, the art of joy is all about that we, it is our job and duty to find joy in every moment, right? And while that can be easy at certain times, like when things are going well, or maybe when you're on vacation or you're doing something that you love, it's really about finding the joy in the moments that aren't that amazing, like Dylan did with his camp, right? being in academic camp, he found the art of joy within that camp, which was deciding to eat healthy, teaching himself how to write with the other hand, winning these awards, putting the work in,

right, in these difficult moments, finding the joy in any of the moments. And so our pastor was sharing that he had to take a trip out to the West Coast and decided to bring his two small boys with him. I believe they're two and four. And he was by himself. He did not have his wife with him. and he flew on the red eye out there, which if you've ever done this with a child, I've done it with my son so many, I mean, I can't even count. I have no idea because I had to travel to Las Vegas all the time for work when Dylan was very little. So I would bring Dylan with me all the time. And it's crazy hard, right, when you take a red eye because you probably can't sleep and you're holding the child or the child's on your arm and you're trying to get bags. And it's just challenging, right? When you're alone and don't have any help. with you. And so it was funny to me when the pastor was telling the story because I, it took me right back to knowing exactly what that feels like. Like, seen the movie, lived it. I got you. I feel your pain. That's a hard moment to find the joy in. As I was going through my memories, I remember thinking, that's tough, right? I wasn't thinking, oh, that's so joyful. However,

as he dug into more of the story, I did start asking myself, oh, my gosh, what were those moments of joy? And in my mind, as I went back to that time, thinking how small and vulnerable and little my child was at that point in time and how grateful that I am, that I had those experiences with him, that I was there to care for him, that, you know, I did get to bring him with me so many places and we did so many things together. Even though it wasn't easy, we did it together and that strengthened our bond. And now as I look back, it's all joy, right? It's all joy.

It was not easy getting the stroller on or, you know, getting the bags down by myself or whatever it may be. but I also remember people would just show up and start helping me, right? And like you start looking back at these moments and suddenly it's all joy. It's all beautiful. And I just felt so grateful now in hindsight thinking about those moments, which in the moment were pretty challenging, but now are such a gift that I'm so, so grateful for. So our pastor starts explaining that it's not very joyful getting on a flight with a two and four year old when it's midnight and everyone's crying and there's babies crying on the plane. and he gets into his chair and it won't recline, and he's cursing out everything. And one child falls asleep on one arm, the other on the other arm. He can't move. And he's talking about how awful it was and how all of a sudden God spoke to him and said, wait a minute, you're preaching about the art of joy. It's on you right now to find the joy in this moment.

And he said it was such a great experience because it reminded him that for years he and his wife had wanted to have babies and that they couldn't. And the doctors told them they were never going to and how heartbreaking that window of time and that season that they lived through where they thought there was a chance that they might not have kids. And so for that flight, because he couldn't sleep, because the chair didn't recline, because there was a child to sleep on each arm, he sat and reminded himself of what a gift this life was that he now has a gift that he is a father, a gift that not only does he have one son, he has two sons, right? This gift that he has a baby on each side so that he can't move because this is a blessing that he never thought he was going to experience.

And he found the joy in that moment. And it was, oh my gosh, it was just so moving to me to think about how, no matter how challenging any situation is, it's always on each one of us to find that art of joy. Whether it be you're stuck in traffic in Miami, which is on the regular. By the way, all of New York City has moved here and literally the traffic is out of control. I challenge myself anytime I find myself in gridlock to say, thank you, God, for putting me in this moment. Thank you for protecting me from whatever you are. And thank you for giving me the ability to look around and feel so grateful for where I am right now. And that's what I do.

And I just assume that if there was no traffic, there would have been an accident or something could have gone wrong. But in these moments, I'm grateful for the peace that I have. I'm grateful for the situation that I'm grateful to be alive. And that gives me joy. You know, so yes, it's always easy to find the joy in the great moments. It's a little bit more challenging to find them on the red eye or in gridlock, but we can challenge ourselves to look around and find something to be grateful for, something to find joy in.

And when we do, everything around us changes. So then the pastor goes on to say, so I'm finding the joy and I'm feeling really joyful now because I have these two beautiful, healthy babies, and I'm a father, and this is all I've ever wanted. and then from the seat behind me, the seven-year-old starts kicking me. Oh, my gosh, it was so funny. And he's talking about how this kid just starts kicking the seat like crazy in the middle of the night. Kicking, kicking, kicking, and the mother does nothing.

And he's saying, okay, I've got to challenge myself to find the joy in this. Oh, he had us rolling, laughing. It was so funny because, again, first world problems, we all get it. There's always these moments that we can look around and just get pissed off at all these challenging situations or try to find the joy, find the humor, find what we can be grateful for. And again, it's a choice. So I'm hoping that you are choosing joy today. I'm hoping that you are working on that art of joy and finding the joy in any and every moment and being grateful for what you do have and looking around to see what is beautiful, what is wonderful, and what can

be celebrated, because there will always be something. And when you start choosing that joy, you start watching your life change. So I wanted to read a chapter from, it's a quick chapter, don't tune me out, please. Okay, it's chapter 19. It's from my first book Confidence Creator. If you have not read this book yet for the love, you need to get this book. It's so flipping good. It's my first book. It trump Donald Trump for number one on the business biography list, the first week it came out. It is purifier. And you know what? I read a review. Somebody left me this week. And they were just talking about how, They always thought they were confident until they read my book.

And the strategies and tips that I share in the book help them so much and elevate their confidence so much more. So if there's anybody in your life that you look to that you know has more potential within them and somehow you want to help them unleash it, get them this book, Confidence Creator. I personally love the Audible version. Yes, I am the one that narrates it. Of course. If you're listening to this podcast, you're going to love the Audible Version.

So check it out. I think you'll love it. I definitely do. Okay. So Chapter 19, Turning Tragedy and. to triumph. I thought this tied in well with what we're talking about today. A little over a month after being fired, I heard that a former coworker of mine was fired from the same company. I called him immediately, and he sounded so scared and sad. I understood how he felt, because only four weeks earlier,

I felt the exact same way. I told him what I did and how I got back on my feet. Over the past year, people have shared with me their own personal stories about getting fired and how they dealt with that adversity. I started compiling those stories and put together a list of of techniques that help me and others get through difficult times like these. When people tell me they've been fired, here is the advice that I give them. Number one, feel sad. First and foremost, it is necessary to give yourself some time to feel hurt, upset, and angry. I definitely felt those things.

I certainly felt that way. I cried for two days straight. Anytime you suffer disappointment, you will struggle. Don't skip this step. Don't pretend you aren't feeling these things. Let it out because it's the first step you need to take an order. order to bounce back stronger. The comeback is always stronger than the setback. Have a 30-day plan. I broke my plan down into weeks. Each week, I had specific goals I wanted to accomplish, and each week was a

step that helped me get to my ultimate monthly goal. Everyone's goals are different. So come up with a plan that fits you and what you want to accomplish. Write it down because seeing it in writing makes it visual and makes it real. Crossing the days off on a calendar helps. You will see yourself getting close. to your goal and feeling better. Most importantly, have faith that things can change for the better. Keep a journal. Write down what you're doing each day. Write down how you feel. List your fears. Describe what actions you want to take each day to improve. When you set a goal to lose weight, you weigh yourself each day to keep on track of your progress. It's no different when you're trying to find how to get through a difficult situation. It's the equivalent of taking your

temperature each day in that it allows you to see how you're getting better, even if you don't initially feel any better. This will become your roadmap to rebuilding your strength. At the end of this process, the insight you gleam from your notes will empower you in ways you can't imagine. Remember that you've been here before. It may sound depressing at first, but identifying another time in life when you have been hurt will help. After I was fired, I went back to look at my divorce journal to see where I was at different times and how I progressed to eventually move beyond that pain. You gain strength by reading how you previously overcame adversity. It reinforces the idea that you can and will do it again. Express gratitude. Shifting your perspective and expressing gratitude will

help you accelerate your progress and get you closer to your goal of feeling better. Every morning when you wake up, write down three things that you are grateful for. It can be something substantial, like your children, friends, health, or even something small, like a good hair day. That should be celebrated. A beautiful flower you see on your way to your car. Taking the time to stop, look, and appreciate the beautiful things in life will give you plenty to be grateful for. The art of joy. Find it.

Do what feels good. Take the time to enjoy songs, smells, walking, exercise, being outside, separating from technology, meditating and spending time with those you love. Find out what makes you feel good and do it daily. Make it a priority. Make you a priority. You are worth it. The more time you spend doing things that make you feel happy is time well spent. Open up. Sharing what happened to you with others is huge. You will be shocked to learn how many people want to help you and want to be there for you if you simply ask. If you share your own story, people will share theirs. Put yourself out there. The universe has a funny way giving you what you need. But you can't sit back and just expect it to fall on your lap. You've got to

raise your hand and go after it. Look for a silver lining. Getting fired was like a punch in the gut, but after some time, I realized how my stress levels had decreased. I was calm. I was not rushing around anymore. I was happy to wake up each day. I was able to appreciate my son and my then-fiance and see how beautiful and amazing they were. Both of them continue to blow me away with their support. Okay, this is a side note. I'm no longer engaged. Okay, moving on. Live in the present. It's so easy to get ahead of ourselves or get anxious when thinking about the uncertainty of the future. Don't fall into that trap. You want goals and you want to work towards those goals, but you want to live for today. Realize that you are living in the moment and this moment is yours. You are exactly where you need to be. Anything is possible today. Create your own future. Use words that encapsulate how you picture yourself in the future. Create visuals in your mind to make it feel more real. Write down your goals and desires so you can be reminded of them. Spend some quiet time seeing yourself where you ultimately want to be and feeling how you want to feel. Watch the universe rise to help you get there. Take a step back. Think about your former goals.

Do you have the same goals today that you did years earlier? People change. And as they do, so does what they want. It's easy to put on blinders and race toward a goal without realizing that deep down inside, you might have shifted, lanes. You might not want the same things, but continue to pursue those same goals because that's what you've always done. What are you meant to be doing? What will it take for you to get there? Take this time to reassess and modify your goals so they better fit the direction you want to take your life now. You are priority number one. You are the one going through this and you are the one who's going to improve your life as a result of it. No one else can do it for you. And no one Nobody has to give you anything.

You don't need anyone's permission. You have to work for it, and you have to be your own biggest supporter. That all begins with putting yourself first. Before every flight, the attendants go through their spiel and explain how during an emergency, you must put the oxygen mask on you before helping others. This doesn't mean that you should turn your back on others, but you have to survive first before you can help anyone else. Start your survival strategy today.

Be open to signs. Notice what is happening around you. Sometimes the answers to the most complex problems have simple solutions that were right in front of you all along. And when all else fails, remember, this is temporary. This two shall pass. When you are down, the key is to remember that things will go back up again, and nothing is ever as bad as it initially seems.

Like most of you, I've had my share of breakdowns, but looking back on all of it now, I've come to realize that my biggest breakdowns led me to my big big. biggest breakthroughs. Okay, that was chapter 19. If you haven't checked out confidence creator yet, I don't know what you're waiting for. I love this book. I'm super proud of it. And yes, there are three mistakes in it. And I'm super proud of those three mistakes too, because done will always be better than perfect. Okay, if you like this episode, please share it. Tag me. I will repost it. And that's how I know that you like the content I'm creating. When you share, leave a review, and tag me, I get you, I hear you, and I'll keep creating more content like this for you.

If you have any questions for me that you want me to answer on the show, send me a DM. Go to my website, heathermonahan.com. Leave me a note there. I'm happy to answer any of your questions, and I so appreciate your support. Keep creating your confidence. You know I will be. I'll see you next week.