Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan - #242: Become Your BEST Self When You LET GO, With Heather!

Episode Date: August 10, 2022

In This Episode You Will Learn About:  The importance of role models   Gratitude practices   Mental toughness  Resources: Overcome Your Villains is Available NOW! Order here: https://overcomeyourvillains.com  If you haven't yet, get my first book Confidence Creator Watch the Mental Toughness Forum Show Notes:  What do you do when life throws you a curveball? Don’t let TEMPORARY fears hold you back! No matter how you feel, the bad things WILL change over time. Life is a rollercoaster so it’s vital to take a step back, give thanks, and KNOW you will get through whatever life throws your way! I’m sharing my speech with you from The Mental Toughness Forum, to inspire you to get through WHATEVER is standing in your way.

I'm on this journey with me. Each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals. We'll overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow. Hi and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me today. Okay, so today, as always, I'm always trying to do something different, as you know. And this week, I had the opportunity, Ben Newman put on an event called the Mental Toughness Forum. It's at Meta. Mental Toughness Forum.com. And an incredible line of speakers. I was grateful to be one of the speakers, John Gordon, Ben Newman.

There was Ed Milette, so many professional athletes. It was crazy. Really incredible group of speakers, an amazing event. And we've gotten, it's so cool when you do these events online because people tweet out certain quotes that you have and they share them. And you get to see what resonates with people. And so I'll actually read you a quote that I saw just people kept reposting and reposting. And it made me so excited.

Where's the one that I liked? No, that's not the one. Wait, I'm looking for it. Hang with me. Well, you're going to hear it in a second anyways because I'm going to play the actual speech for you. It's 18 minutes long. See what you think. But it says how we show up for our kids and the people we care about in our life is how they, in turn, will show up in theirs, Heather Monahan.

So it's funny because I don't even know what I'm saying. half the time when I'm talking because I give so many speeches that I sort of have a rhythm. It's like, you know, Nike, just do it, right? You tie your shoes. You're not thinking about it. So sometimes when I see people sharing quotes that I've said, it's such a cool, surreal feeling. Because I say, oh my gosh, I don't even remember what story I was telling or what I was trying to impart when I shared that. But, okay, I like that too. I'll keep it. Yes. So I'm going to play this talk for you. And again, it's mental toughnessform challenge.com. I'm going to going to put the link in the show notes. You can check it out if you want to check into it

and see the other speakers and whatnot, obviously. Please do. Really incredible event. I did post about it during the week so that you would be able to see it. But I know it's so hard sometimes. You might share something on one platform and somebody doesn't catch it. But hopefully you'll catch it here. Would love to hear what you think. If you like more content of my talks, happy to provide more of those for you. Always need your feedback, of course. Oh, and just P. It's your girl's birthday. August 14th, I am turning 48 years old. So if you want to give me a birthday gift, I would love it if you would share the show and leave me a review. It would mean the world to me. Seriously, it would mean so much. It helps so much as I'm kicking off a new year

and super excited about this year with my son and I moving and so many exciting things ahead, like live events. I just got back from a live. I was giving a sales kickoff keynote. in San Diego, California. And it was so fun to be back in person with people, still doing a mix of hybrid events and then, you know, some in person. But I definitely love the in person. And I'm hoping you're getting in person with people too. It is so exciting. And it was so interesting. Also, one thing I wanted to note, as you know, I live in Miami. And in Miami, people don't wear masks and haven't for a while. We have total freedom here. When I was in San Diego, it was so surprising to see so many people had masks on and they were talking about potential mask mandates. So

again, wherever you are just, you know, to reflect on how grateful we can be for what we do have, you know, our health that we're in a better situation than we were during the pandemic. Because getting a glimpse of that in San Diego was, wow, that really took me back and made me feel so grateful. So challenging you today, what can you be grateful for? And I actually just had this conversation. I got a phone call from my nephew this morning upset that he had just broken up his relationship. And he was feeling really down. And I said to him, I said, listen, here's a thing. Number one, this is temporary.

And I speak with a lot of experience, you know, now almost 48 years old. I'm telling you, I've had lots of breakups, whether they be at work or, you know, social relationships or my actual personal relationships, it's temporary. no matter how you feel it will change in time and just reminding yourself of that, right? Like in the moment it can feel, ah, this is a roller coaster and I can't take it. But that's where we have to pump the brakes. Give ourselves some grace, right, and say, you know what, I have been through hard times before. I did get through those tough times.

I didn't know what was ahead. That's a big part of it, right? You don't know what miracle could be waiting for you this afternoon. You need to start expecting miracles in your life and putting that vibe out there, right? And this is exactly what I was saying to my nephew today is, you don't know who you're going to meet this afternoon at the grocery store. How can you sit there and tell yourself that you know you're going to be depressed for the next couple of months?

That's not fact. That's a belief you're holding. There's no factual basis for that. And I just liken it to when I got fired five years ago, you know, I sat for one day on the couch feeling so bad for myself. or a weighted blanket, you know, just crying my eyes out and just feeling so victimized. And I remember after 24 hours, I said, okay, pity party is over. It's fine to feel the sadness for sure. It's good to do that. But you don't want to wallow in it, right? And if you're going to allow yourself to do that,

you'll stay there. So that's when I jumped up and I posted. I've just been fired. If I've ever helped you in any way, I need to hear from you now. Right? You got to jump up and take action and, like, put yourself out there. And that's what I was trying to convince my nephew to do today. I said, first things first, sit down and write down three things you're grateful for. Start focusing on the good things in your life, not this one, what you feel is a negative thing. But the next thing I said was, was the relationship that great? And he said, no. Okay, then you just freed yourself from something so that you're never going to grab great if you're hanging on to mediocre. So you have to go through that uncomfortable, unknown period of letting go of mediocre to give yourself that chance

to grab Great. And when you do, you might find out Great's waiting for you at the grocery store this afternoon. You don't know. But until you take that leap, you never will know. So if you are going through a tough time, start with gratitude, start with being grateful for your health, for our freedom, for the ability to listen to this podcast. Shout out. You know, whatever it is that you're grateful for today, right? Like, write those things down. Focus on the good in your life so you bring more good into it instead of getting so caught up and focusing on the negative. And believe me, I've had many a days in my life where I focused on the negative. It doesn't pay dividends. It never does. At some point, you have to pump the brakes and say, okay, enough is enough. I'm going to shift

this narrative. And for me, one of the things that I've been doing a lot lately, encourage you to do it, is instead of when I, I drive, I drive a ton in Miami, as you know, that's why I'm moving. One of the reasons why I'm moving, but, you know, being in the car, I had a friend's aid me. Stop listening to music and start listening to audiobooks. Start listening to something that's going to help elevate you. And I need to read a lot of books to prep for the show when I interview people. So I started using that time to grow, right, to start accessing new information. And anytime we do that, we're going to be better for it, right? So check into some books that people recommend, Overcome Your Villains and Confidence Creator, clearly are two hits, which I'd love for you to check

out if you haven't yet. And yes, I narrate them both. But there are so many great books out there in the world. And I just listened to John Gordon's book, The Garden, recently on Audible. It was amazing. And it was a super quick listen and really powerful and got me thinking about, right? It's a way to get to start opening your mind to different ideas, to expanding your thoughts. thought to growth. So I challenge you to do that. Even try it just for a month when you're driving in the car, just choose a couple of different audiobooks and give them a listen and see how much better you feel and what you start learning and how it helps you get in a positive mindset, because we know this. Challenges will come every day, right? They're going to be out there,

but it's about how we approach them and how quickly we can bounce back from them. And don't forget, you never know how the dots are going to connect until you look back. on this moment in time. So when you're in the thick of it, it's hard because you don't know what's to come next. Give yourself that grace and have that faith that the dots will connect. You just don't know how yet. And they're probably going to be so much better than you ever could imagine. Okay. Now we're going to go to the Mental Toughness Forum. Again, the website is Mental Toughness Forum.com. Check it out. You can check out all the speakers there, not just your girl. There's videos and audios on both. But I think you're really going to like it.

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Hi. Thank you, Ben Newman so much for having me here today. Thank you for including me. And hi to you. Welcome to the Mental Tupness Forum. I hope you are enjoying it so far. Okay, I am Heather Monaghan. Yeah, that's me right there.

We'll get to that in a minute. And I'll give you a little bit of background on me. I'm a former C-suite executive. who made it to the top, smashed the glass ceiling, and was fired literally overnight after being named one of the most influential women in radio, complete gut punch. That opportunity allowed me to reinvent myself as a best-selling author, times two, a top 50 keynote speaker in 2022, and a lot of other things. So I'm here today to share three strategies that you could implement your life that I hope will add some major value to you in your mental toughness challenge.

Okay. So Ben asked us, what role has mental toughness played in your life and your career? And it has been huge. But I definitely didn't think about it as mental toughness. I don't know if you're with me. You know, you look back at those hard times. You don't necessarily remember thinking you're tough, especially in the moment, right? So my first one that I want to share with you, I'm going to take it back old school to my first love, my first boyfriend in my 20s that I lived with that I thought I was going to marry because I learned this incredible lesson from that time that sticks with me to this day and has been really helpful in my perspective, which is really helpful when you need to be mentally tough. So I was living with my boyfriend, living my best life, or so I thought, who feels me on this one. And if you know a girl in her early 20s in love, you understand how big this is. I thought we were getting married until one day I came home and found out he had just cheated on me.

Mike drop moment. Well, I was an ad executive in radio sales and I went to work the next day looking horrible. No makeup on flip flops falling apart at the edges. Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve. My boss says to me, what happened to you? He said, well, the love of my life cheated on me. I had to move out. I can't live like this.

I don't ever want to see him again. It's devastating. I was living in Worcester, Massachusetts at this point in time. Truly not living my best life, but thinking I was. So he says to me, okay, Heather, you've been doing an amazing job here for the last year. I can tell you're ready for a move. Would you be willing to board a plane with me? and move somewhere for the biggest financial opportunity and business opportunity of your life.

I looked him straight in the eyes and I said yes. The only reason I said yes was because that man had cheated on me and I wanted to do whatever it takes to escape that painful feeling and not wanting to run into him again. I boarded that plane. He dropped me off in Sagina, Michigan. That was a tough one. Definitely not a destination. destination location. But for me, it was. We bought a $25 million company. And in under three years, I escalated revenues, I upgraded my team, and we sold that company for $55 million. And under three years, netting us a $30 million game. That put my name on the map in business and in the media business where I was working at the time. And that opened doors I would have never had opened for me

before and led me to a publicly traded company to a much bigger job, much bigger platform. Cut to a couple of years ago, I was at a wedding with a bunch of people I grew up with, and the guy that cheated on me was there. And I'm here to tell you today, it was an incredible moment to see that person was never meant for me. It was so different years later with all perspective. And I finally understood, you might not be able to connect the dots looking forward. But when you look back, those hardest moments, the moments that you think are the hardest are actually the biggest gifts. And that rejection is only redirection to something so much bigger if you allow it. And that set me on a completely different trajectory and course in my life.

And I'm so grateful for that moment. It's a comfortable circle. I'll never forget when my son was in elementary school and had a little girl that was his girlfriend. They would chat on, you know, social media together and on text. And one day he came home crying and said, Mom, she's dating my friend now. Will I ever find another girl? And I shared that story with him. And I explained to him, you can't understand what's happening in this moment because you can't see those dots connecting. But years later, you will.

And cut to you today. He sees this girl all the time. They become great friends. And I'm just asking you this to remind yourself the next time you're going through it and we all do, remember, you can't see where those dots will connect, but you will in the future have faith. That's a fact. Okay. The next one I want to share with you is a three-step process. So I'm giving you a little bit more, but this is a three-step process that I wrote about and overcome your villains.

It's my back process. It works every time, anytime, and all the time, you have a challenge in front of you. I'm going to use the example of getting fired, right? I explained that I had made it to the top. I was named one of the most influential women in radio in 2017. And unexpectedly, three weeks later, I was fired. The CEO I had worked for for 14 years who had elevated me three different times and supported me so much in that journey, he became ill.

decided to elevate his daughter to replace him. She was my arch nemesis, and she fired me immediately with a big smile on her face. Now, I'm going to break the back process down for you using this low moment, low moment, ended up being a big redirection, not a rejection. But at the time, when you take that gut punch, it sucks, right? Let's say what it really is. It feels like a rejection. and you can't see the dots connecting yet so you don't know where to go.

Well, for me, I got fired. I was a single mother at the time, providing for my son, living a lifestyle that I had created off of making a lot of money. And suddenly I didn't know where my next paycheck was going to come from. I had an 18-month non-compete and I couldn't work in the industry that I had expertise in. I was going to have to start over somewhere as a beginner. And starting over as a beginner, as you know, can be really humbling and really scary. And I was full of fear. So here's where my back

process comes from. The day that I got fired, I walked out of that woman's office and I started saying, I've lost everything. I have nothing. I've lost everything. Okay, this is the moment that we need to pump the brakes and we need to take a look at and dismantle whatever belief you're holding. right? So write this down. Belief is number one. When you're in it, when you're in that moment where you need your mental toughness, take a look at that belief and distill it down to whatever most simplistic shred of fact you can find. And I'll tell you oftentimes, there is none. So for me, I sat down and said, okay, what fact is here? Did I lose everything? Well, no, I didn't lose my network. I didn't lose my expertise.

I didn't lose my business acumen. I didn't lose my personality, my character. I didn't lose my values. I didn't lose my friends and family. I didn't lose anything. I lost a paycheck. And once I broke that belief that I had lost everything down to the most simplistic fact I could find, which was I did lose a paycheck.

It reminded me years before I had worked for other companies. I had had other paycheck. I had worked in high school. I'd worked in college. I'd worked in my 20s. I had worked for so many other companies and had found ways to drive revenue. I just didn't know where it would come from this time. I could choose to see that as an opportunity. And to be so real with you, I still wasn't seeing it as an opportunity, but I was reminding myself, this is a choice. I can't choose how I'm going to look at this. All right. So number one, beliefs distill it down to the most simplistic shred of fact possible. Big one. Number two, immediately take action. And a lot of people get hung up on this one. It's so important to know, messy action is fantastic, right? There is no such thing as perfect. It doesn't need to be perfectly planned out. It needs to be done. Done will always be better than perfect. And that is a truth you can own. So my action step was, I'm going to post on social media. And I posted, Heather Monaghan was just fired. That's me. I've done.

just been fired. And if I've ever done anything for you, I need to hear from you now. That post went viral and it landed me on the Elvis Durant show. Okay. So here's a thing. I didn't know what was going to happen. I knew people were going to think I was crazy for putting this post up, right? How many of you have haters out there? I got a lot of them. Right. So the haters are going to come for you. You're going to take action and put yourself out there. However you see fit, whatever your intuition speaks into you is what you need to do. Take that action. People called me and they said, Heather, you look crazy. You look pathetic. You got fired. No, no, no. Take that down. Delete that. And I checked in with the one voice and opinion that matters.

And that's your own. And something inside of me said, leave that post up. It's my truth. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't feel foolish. that I got fired. In fact, I'm going to flip the script on the shame. And when you start doing that, you start extinguishing the shame in your life and showing up as a more powerful and real version of you. Flip it now. So I put it to work for me. I left that post up. That post went by all right. That was number two. Take action. Take messy action. Done will be better than perfect. It landed me on the Elvis Durant show in front of someone who's light ears ahead of me, right? This man has millions of listeners tuning into him every single day and is incredibly successful. He's found his

way. He knows what he's doing. Unlike me at the time, I had no idea what to do next. I sat in front of him halfway through that interview. He says to me, well, Heather, obviously you're writing a book, but I wasn't writing a book. How many of you grew up with a sibling that was the smart one? Anyone out there? Oh yeah, you're my people, right? My sister was the smart. part one, perfect score in her SATs. I was a social one. Well, in these moments, another lesson I learned is you've got to drop the labels and drop the stories you've been hanging on to since you were a kid. And thankfully, this man spoke a conviction and a truth and a confidence into me that I decided to grab hold of and run with it. I jumped on a plane, leaving New York, heading back to Miami,

and I googled, how do you write a book? This is where knowledge comes into play. And this is number three in my back process. Remember beliefs was number one. Distill them down to the most simplistic shred of fact you can find. Number two, take messy action. Done will always be better than perfect. And number three, knowledge. Be really intentional and thoughtful about who you are surrounding yourself with for knowledge in these moments during the tough times more than ever. I couldn't turn to my family and ask them if I should write a book. They'd never written a book. Don't take direction from people who haven't been. where you are going. I chose not to take knowledge from people who hadn't been there yet. I took it from Elvis Doran, someone who was light years ahead in me in a business I thought was so exciting and so interested in. And I decided to say, this is the knowledge I want to surround myself with. I curated the knowledge. I chose who I would listen to. And I ask you to do the same. When you hit those low moments, those tough times that you need your mental toughness, one of the most critical things is who and what you're listening to. Always listen to the one voice

that counts your own and then start tuning into people who have been where you are going. When you surround yourself with those people, even if it's just social media or watching their TED talks or reading their books or just accessing their content or being here today, this is the knowledge that you want to surround yourself. But these are the people you want to surround yourself. But these are the people that are going to help you up level and leapfrog. head all the challenges in front of you. So be really intentional about it. Turn down the noise on the haters. Turn down the noise on those that are giving you bad advice, even when they love you, and start amplifying the voices of the people who have been where you want to go and you will

get there so much faster. That's my three-step process, back, least action, knowledge. Final thing I want to leave you with today. I want to leave you with this short story about what you focus on is what you will create. And this is a truth that I want you to remember. My son, like I'm sure many of you, after a year and a half of Zoom school, was not doing well and had to go for the first time ever to an academic camp. He was not excited about it. At that time, he was 13 years old. I think he was 13 or maybe, no, 13, he was 13 years old. And so he had to pack for this month-long camp in New Hampshire. We live in Miami, not his best life, right? These were not the best moments. He was really upset and he walked out with his suitcase, came out to the living room, and he was frustrated and

looked at me and said, it's not going to work. I can only bring one bag and I can't fit everything in on the list of things I need. I can't go. This isn't going to work. And he was so fixated that the bag couldn't fit one more thing. He had a pair of shoes he had to get in there. And I came out from a really different perspective and I looked and thought, there's got to be a way. And I kept saying, there's got to be away. It's just a pair of shoes. There's got to be away. And I I'm walking around the bag and I flipped the bag over. And all of a sudden, I saw there was one of those zippers that when you unzip it, the bag pops up, elevates, and creates all the space, additional space that you didn't previously see.

I popped that zipper up. I looked at him and I said, I knew there was a solution and I knew we'd find it together. He put those shoes in, he boarded that plane and he went to camp. And halfway through that camp, I got a call that no Aaron ever wants to get. sons in the emergency room. He's broken his arm. And I thought, okay, that's it. I mean, obviously I need to go get him out of this camp. He can't stay in an academic camp if he can't write. This is crazy. And so I jumped on a plane and went to New Hampshire, rented a car and drove however far it was crazy. It took a while to get there. Let's put it that way, right?

So by the time I got there, it's a couple days later. I walk into the camp to pick up my son and he walks out of camp without a bag, without the bag we packed. And I said, what's going on? And he said, I'm staying. Let's go to dinner. I'll explain. And we went to dinner and he said to me, mom, I taught myself how to write with my other hand.

I taught myself how to shower was on one arm. I taught myself how to eat with the other hand. I figured out how to do it. I focused on the solutions instead of focusing on a challenge. I didn't come this far to only come this far. I am finishing this course, getting these credits, and going back. So I'm all set for school next year. So I want to leave you with this.

I was in awe of that. But it also reminded me how we show up for our kids and the people we care about in our life is how they will in turn show up in theirs. So think to yourself when you need the motivation. How am I leading my family? How am I leading the people who are closest to me? And if I can show up on those tough days when we're arguing and they really just need a hug, or maybe they need me to be the one to say what we focus on is what we will create, let's find a solution. We know it's here. And then you'll find your zipper. I hope those three different ideas help you. You can't connect

the dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking back. My three step back process from Overcome Your Villains. Yes, it's my newest book. You can get it anywhere. And then finally, what you focus on is what you will create. Ben Newman, you're the best. Thanks so much for having me. Hope that I added some value to you. Catch up with me anywhere. Heather Monaghan would love to hear from you.

And I hope you enjoy the rest of the day.