Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan - #252: How to Become the Most Powerful Person in Any Room with Heather!

Episode Date: September 14, 2022

In This Episode You Will Learn About:  Discovering your worth  Asserting yourself   How to respond with confidence   Resources: Overcome Your Villains is Available NOW! Order here: https://overcomeyourvillains.com  If you haven't yet, get my first book Confidence Creator Show Notes:  When you are successful, people WILL be threatened by you. Don’t let this bring you down! Today I’m here to remind you how you can respond in stressful situations instead of just reacting to them. I promise standing up for yourself WILL give you the control over your own life. Remember, there is a huge difference between being assertive and being aggressive. So don’t let your villains defeat you!

I'm on this journey with me. Each week when you join me, we're going to chase down our goals. We'll overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow. I'm ready for my close-up. Hi and welcome back. I'm so glad you are back here with me today. Okay, so I got a few DMs that I need to dig into with you because they really caught my attention. And I promised I would give them a response. One came from a woman, of course, no name. James here, but says, Heather, as you know, I'm a huge fan, but I need your help. I've listened to your books and your podcast. In fact, every day on my drive to work, I listen to an episode of your podcast, y'all, as I find them motivating and inspiring. Thank you. In fact, because of you, I've learned that I have worth far beyond what a company is willing to pay me. And yes, you do, by the way. And so do you, right? We all have worth beyond just what we're being paid at work. A paycheck is just, you know, money is an exchange of value in a.

any moment and valuations change, right? Our excellence, our expertise changes and grows and evolves. You know, there's so many factors that, no, we are much more than just a paycheck at any given time, people. And you are too. Okay. I've also faced my fears and I've made some big moves going to a new employer and making some leaps of faith in my life. Good for you. Growth. I love it. I love it. Living in that uncertainty is all about stepping into fear, growing, taking risks. Yes, yes and yes. Okay. However, at this new company, someone who's supposed to be my equal and supposed to be showing me the ropes has been condescending and bullying to me. So, this sadly is life, right? There are villains in our lives. We are going to encounter villains. And we have to decide how we are going to handle it and not allow it to go on.

goes on to say that, you know, she's almost at our wit's end at this point. Why is she even putting up with this? Maybe she should just quit. She said, I thought about it. And I realized I need to face my villain. Yes, yes. In fact, I think she is probably intimidated by me. Bingo, when you are a threat, you will always be the target. Okay, that's something that I learned. So 99% of the time, if someone's bullying you, it's because they're jealous of you or they are threatened by you. Fact, straight up facts. Doesn't make it okay. but it is a very true. Okay, nevertheless, could you help me figure out how to say what I need to say,

which is, I don't like the way you are speaking to me. I want to sound assertive, but I don't want to be too aggressive. Super smart. You are right. Okay, so I want to address this in the best way possible. Yes, it's important to be assertive and not aggressive, and I want everyone to know this. You don't have to yell at someone to make a point. You don't have to beat your fist on the table to be heard.

In fact, the most powerful people are typically the ones that sit in silence, own their thoughts, and then respond when they're ready. Right. The people that lose in all these situations are the ones that react, right? So my whole message on this podcast today and in this specific situation is don't react, respond. Now, this is something that's taken me 47 years to learn, right? And I'm still a work in progress. like we all are, but I'm getting a lot better. My amazing moment that I'm so proud of, I have to share it with you because I'm super

proud of it. I was almost going to say, I can't believe I did it, but no, I totally believe I did it. It's so, oh my gosh, it's so good. Okay, so here's what happened. You know that back at the end of 2017, I was fired unexpectedly when the CEO I had worked for 14 years became ill, and he elevated his daughter to replace him. My villain, my number one villain, and she fired me. So anyways, here's how it went down.

She had her assistant send me an email. That was yet again another power play that she would try to implement to make me nervous or frightened or feel fearful of her, like these tactics to be, you know, a toxic boss or whatever. Oh my gosh, it's so far in my rearview mirror now that it's just comical. But at the time it wasn't, right? Like when you're in it, it's horrible. I remember I was losing my hair. I was crying when I would get home from work. I was so stressed out all the time.

My jaw was cracked. It was bad, really bad. So for anyone who's in a situation like this, number one, there is life outside of it, and it's going to be a lot better when you're away from these negative situations, these negative people and negative environments. But I do want you to know, I'm empathetic. I get it. I struggled for so long with that woman, and it really took a toll on me physically, mentally.

But when you get that space, when you fire that villain, when you put yourself first and do what's right for you, that's when you set yourself up to take off and take on the world and find your purpose and find your right people right it just it's incredible and now that I'm on the other side of it I'm not saying it's easy right I wasn't handed a special little box that I opened the day after I got fired and all my answers were inside uh hardly no that really was not the case but you know I did learn so much about myself along the way I made so many mistakes right and then the pandemic like really wiped me out. And there's been a lot of challenges. We'll leave it at that the last couple of years. But in the end, sitting here today with you, I'm just, I'm so clear that it wasn't

easy, but it was so worth it. Right. And that's what I want everyone to know, putting yourself first, not allowing someone to bullying you, leaving a negative situation and trying to fix it, attempting to fix it and address it first before you leave, because it is the right thing to do because you do need to stand up for yourself. And you need to let someone know when they're not treating you the way that you want to be treated. Few reasons for that is that they might not know that they're treating you in a poor way. Maybe they're going through a horrible time in their life. Maybe they have health issues. Maybe they just lost a family member. We don't know what's going on with someone. And maybe they're lashing out at everyone and they just need someone to tell them, hey, I don't

appreciate the way that you're speaking to me. It doesn't feel good when you and I sit down and talk. I feel like you're upset or angry with me. Is there something that you want to tell me? Because this doesn't seem to be working the way that it had in the past or, you know, the same way that I typically work with other people. I really want to give you a chance to let me know what's going on. If I did something wrong, please inform me. Otherwise, I want to talk about how we can move forward in a better fashion. I digress. So I had tried those things with my villain before she fired me. You know, I tried a couple different sit downs saying, hey, is there something that you want to talk to me about? I just feel like you're not happy with me. You know, I went from this place of curiosity. You know, I'm a big fan of it. I'm sure you've heard me say this before. Hang on, I'm confused. Anytime I'm in a difficult conversation and a business environment, I always go to that one. I'm confused because it's not attacking. It's not aggressive. It's not argumentative, but it's going to get that other person to empty their glass, which is always my goal. I want to know what is the other person thinking? What are their challenges? What's their objective here? And is there a way for us to work together on this and find a solution, right? From a calm standpoint, I had tried all these things with this. woman, my villain. And it was a game to her. It was so obviously a game. My opinion is she was very, very threatened by me, which I don't blame her. I definitely should have been CEO, not her, but that's okay. Now I'm CEO of my own company. All right, moving on. We're going to take that rejection actually as a redirection to something better, which it was. Okay. So I believe she was threatened by me.

She would never respond in a positive way to my conversations when I tried to empathize with her, when I tried to come from a place of curiosity and find out what the problem was, she would always say, I don't know what you're talking about. Right? So when someone acts like that, there's really, there's nowhere to go from there. You have to have two parties willing to find some common ground, some form of compromise when you're in a bullying, toxic kind of a situation, right? So she was not interested in that.

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Nothing huge, but just notice. So one thing I noticed, you know, she had had her assistant call me over for a meeting, did not disclose what it was for. I did not think I was getting fired. A mic drop, I was. But, you know, I walked in. very uncertain about what I was walking into. She was standing up, which she never did. She always sat down, right? Typically, if I would walk into a meeting to see her, she would have her glasses on, her calculator out, her notes out, and she'd be working on something when I would walk in. Well, on this day, when I walked in, she was standing, huge smile, which was not her typical disposition, right? She was more of an introvert, not someone that would be standing up with our hands on her hip smiling, right? That'd be something more like I would do, typically, like I'd be running around. you know, super high energy standing, not because I'm trying to make a power play on someone, but because I just do crazy things like that. I prefer to be standing up. You know, that's more my norm and always smiling. So when I walked in and saw that, I noticed pay attention, right?

Be aware when you walk into these situations just to notice. And I thought to myself, hmm, this is weird. Why would she be standing all smiles and hands on our hips? And that's when I knew something was about to go down. And she really was owning all the power in the room, right? Because I kind of sat quietly into the chair. I was a little concerned at this point. You know, I wasn't smiling.

I knew something bad was about to happen because she looked so happy looking at me. She never looked happy when she looked at me. Right. This lady hated me. It was clear. So I knew something not great for me was about to happen. Or I thought so, right? I was just really paying attention to her power dynamics.

She was trying to, you know, bring to this meeting. And she was, right? So she's the one speaking. She's taking up all the air in the room. And she's, and I'm saying nothing. I'm just sitting there. I've been called there. And she says, well, as you know, I've been named CEO. And so therefore, I no longer need a chief revenue officer. And therefore, I don't need you. That was basically it. The whole conversation was like a minute or two minutes. You know, I'm maybe a paraphrase a word or two, but that's pretty much the gist of it. It was not, there was not a lot of small talk that day. Not there ever was with her. Okay. So, And this is after a couple years of this woman bullying me, I'm kind of noticing, I'm noticing her. I'm noticing how happy she is. And I'm thinking to myself, this lady has bullied me for far too long. This is just, this has gone on far too long. The fact that she's smiling in my face right now and getting joy out of this, no, this isn't

sitting right with me. And thankfully, I have been working on my confidence. I have been really intentionally trying to show up as the most powerful, real version of myself and really get my confidence back the way I'd had it years prior. And I'd been working on that for a little over a month before this random meeting popped out of nowhere. Popped out of nowhere. She was named the official CEO and had me brought in immediately, not nowhere. Okay. So in that minute or two minutes, I'm noticing all these power dynamics she's playing. I'm really a little confused. But then it's like one of those seconds where all of a sudden the damn breaks, right? Like there's just that

one, that last pin that drops, that puts everything over the edge, right? The whole thing comes down. I just snapped in some way. I just remember thinking, no more. No more, lady, are, am I going to sit silently and let you treat me crappy and smile in my face as you're about to fire me after I gave 14 years of my life to this company and I did an incredible job, incredible, right? The results speak for themselves. I had just won most influential women in radio. Like, I was, I was it. I was killing it at work. And she was just so happy to be firing me that that was the moment. That was my final straw. And I knew, because I've worked with myself a lot on this, don't react, respond. And here's why, when you react, you're allowing someone to puppeteer you. You're allowing someone else to control you. I don't like that idea. I don't know about you. I hope you don't like that idea. When you give yourself a moment to take a breath and think and then respond. in a very calm manner, you take all the power out of the room. You control the table. And you are in control of yourself, most importantly. So she knocks it out, says, hey, no more cheap revenue

officer, therefore no more you. I've got two memos for you to look at. She passed them both in front of me, all smiles still standing. And the first memo said Heather's been fired. That was it. After 14 years, that was the memo she was going to send out to the company. The second memo was this beautiful love letter. You know, Heather Monaghan, amazing employee, accomplished so much in 14 years, more than doubling the company's revenue, blah, blah, blah, going on and on about how amazing I am. And then in closing, it says, Heather has made the decision to go on and do something new and pursue new opportunities. We are cheering her on. Please join us and cheering her on as well. Basically, here's what this all means. And I've seen the movie before. I had been at the company

14 years. I knew. Once she said I was being fired, I knew what the game would be. She always did this. You basically bully the person to say, I'm going to send a memo to everyone saying you've been fired. And that's it. Which is, you know, many of us will feel shameful or embarrassed or just crappy, like disregarded, kind of tossed away. It's just a crappy feeling, right? Not something that you're planning or hoping for. The second option is to write the beautiful memo, which really gives you the out, right? I'm not going to be at the company anymore regardless, right? She's giving me this beautiful out to go out on top. But in order to get that memo, you have to sign this really lengthy, convoluted, non-dispairaging agreement. And what that is for anyone who hasn't had to deal with

something like this, basically it's a gag clause. And so it says, if you sign this paper, you are going to get a very big check. A parting gift, we'll call it. And you're going to get the beautiful memo, too. But you can never, ever again speak of anything that had happened in or around this company, in or around these 14 years you worked here, in or around any of executives in the company, any of the trade secrets you have, the list goes on and on. I mean, it's so one-sided. It's ridiculous. So I knew basically I'd be setting myself up for a lawsuit, right? Because if I said anything, this lady is going to come after me because she'd have this gag order. And I didn't want that. But more important that I didn't want that, of course I wanted the big check.

Hello, who wouldn't want the big check, right? You work somewhere for so long. You set yourself up to be in a place of, you know, financial stability to all of a sudden, no, I'm not going to have a job, which I always have worked my whole life. And then no, the other thing I didn't mention, I had an 18-month non-compete in order to get the CRO job. I had to sign that. So for 18 months, I would not be able to go back and work in the industry that I had expertise in. I had a massive network. And I mean, I had so many, I could get, any job I wanted in that industry. But because I had signed that non-compete, for 18 months, I could not compete against the company that was firing me. And so knowing all this, and literally, this is all happening in my head in like 30 seconds as I'm realizing it, because I hadn't planned for any of this. I didn't think she was firing me that day. As I'm thinking about it, all I could focus on was this lady standing there and smiling.

And that was it. I remember thinking, she's not going to be controlling me. No, and I'm not going to react. And you know what? My response is going to take all the power out of this room. So I sat quietly for a minute. I kept looking at the papers and looking at her. And her smile didn't fade, right?

It was this giant megawatt smile. And it was so, yuck, gross. I remember thinking, not today, Satan, not today. And I smiled. And I said, I didn't write either one of these memos. So I won't be signing either one of them. And if you have nothing else to say, I'm out of here. And I stood up and I took.

all of the air and all of the power out of that meeting, out of that room. And that woman's face turned beat red and her giant megawatts smile went into a frown. And she had no words. And it was incredible. And that whole meeting was around this concept of don't react. Don't let her control me. Respond. Of course I wanted to start crying. Are you kidding? Of course I wanted to cry. I mean, I fought back tears, but I did it. Right. I just remember, stay calm. Stay calm. Heather, breathe. just stay calm. I didn't know what I was going to do, but I'm so flipping proud. And I think that, I should say, I think that I know that the reason why I was able to do this is because that was after years of her treating me badly for so long and me turning a blind eye to that bad behavior.

P.S, so this power move that I played was incredible, so proud of it, it wasn't about banging my fist on the table, screaming at her. How dare you do this to me after I built this company? That would have been one option, right? I could have yelled at her. I could have told her. I could have told her she's a terrible person and that she's impacting me and my son in a horrible way and that this is so crappy and that she's going to fail. But all these like things you think of your bide, right, of freaking out and blowing a gasket on someone. Of course I thought all those things. But because I had worked on this personally, for myself for a while, I was able to do the right thing, which I'm so grateful for. Super grateful. I didn't cry. I kept it together. And I

really stood in my power and I will never forget how I handled it or I will never forget how I took all the power out of that situation and brought it right with me to my car. Then I cried for three hours on the ride home. Okay, keeping it real. Just got to tell you. But it doesn't matter. I'm fine with that because it was normal, right? I was really devastated in that moment. But when it counted, I didn't react. I responded. And so this is for my amazing person who sent this note in today. Okay, we got you. You're in a situation. You haven't been. treated with respect. You've been bullied. Probably passive-aggressive. This lady is probably intimidated by you. Agreed to all of it. Right. So here's the thing, and we've already talked about this thing,

is that you want to respond, not react. You want to remain calm. I'd practice at home, right? Like, you really want to be thoughtful and intentional about how you're going to handle this. And think about the outcome that you're looking for, right? I want a solution. Whatever that may be. It doesn't have to be perfect. But the fact that you're showing up for yourself, the fact that you're speaking, the fact that you're speaking your mind, the fact that you're not allowing someone to disrespect you any longer, that's going to create confidence within you. That's going to help you feel better about who you are, and that's going to start you down a better path moving forward. Whether you stay at that company or not, right, whether that lady stays there. It doesn't matter. It's about you choosing you. And I'm proud of you for doing that.

So respond. Don't react. Stay calm. Practice this at home. And I would, you know, send an email and just ask for a quick meeting. I'd say, hey, is there any chance I can get on your calendar for a 15-minute meeting this week? You don't need to say why. You know, if she says, what's it about, just some communication issues that I wanted to address with you. It can be very, you know, basic. And then I'd get really calm. I'd go into the meeting and I would explain, listen. I'm making it up.

Listen, Jen, when I came here, I was told to work with you and that you would help show me the ropes. However, I have to be open with you that I feel like there's tension between us or I don't know if it's resists. I'm not sure what it is that I'm feeling. I wanted to ask you, did I do something wrong? Did I upset you? Or is there something, do you feel this too? Or is this in my head? Right? I mean, I'd ask that question in some way that's not offensive, but coming from a place of curiosity, knowing that you don't feel good about the situation, you want to be honest about it, but you're here trying to find a solution. Again, we don't know what's going on this lady's life. She might think you're there to take her job, and she's getting fired the next day, and she's panicking. We don't know. And you can't answer those

questions until she tells you how she feels, right? So I open up the communication. That's the first step. This lady could empty her glass and be like, I'm at the worst time in my life. I'm so sorry that you feel that way. That was not intentional. We don't know how she's going to respond. She might be the same way my old villain was and say, don't know what you're talking about. I have no idea what you're talking about. When that happens, okay, that's not a red flag. That's a deal breaker, right? And that means, okay, well, I guess this discussion's over then. I do want you to know that I will be respected. here at our place of employment. I will respect you, but you will respect me as well. I guess there's nothing else for us to discuss. Thank you. Have a good day. And walk out, right? Just very calm.

Own your power. And then what I would do after that is I'd reach out to the HR director. I would reach out to your manager, whoever it is, but I'd ask for help. I'd say, hey, listen, I've been having some challenges in regards to communication with Jen. I decided to address them one-on-one. The meeting didn't go out. She didn't see any issue. However, I know in our handbook, respect in the workplace is really important. Communication is important. How can we best handle the situation as she and I working together doesn't seem to be working? What would you suggest we do from here? Right? So I'd ask for help. So those are the steps that I would initially take and see how it unfolds. Right? We can't predict. We can't project. We have to put it into motion, take action and put it into motion.

So best of luck, I'm super proud of you for sticking up for yourself. I'm super proud of you for not letting this villain to continue her bad behavior. and never turn a blind eye to bad behavior, and you are not, which means you are creating confidence in you. So I get a message from a gentleman, and it says, and this is on LinkedIn. Hey, Heather, I read your story. I know that you got fired. I just want you to know what's happening to me right now. I am struggling and trying to hold my head up, however, it's not easy. Okay, I totally get it because I felt the same way when I was in the moment when it was all happening.

But here's what I know now. Wait a minute. No, getting fired means you are in good company. Mark Cuban was fired. Oprah Winfrey fired. J.K. Rowling fired. Steve Jobs fired. Heather Montingham fired. You are rolling with the top, the best of the best. Choose to see this as your jump-off point. Did you really love? Was it your purpose and life to be there? Probably not. Peel back that onion and say, wait a minute, I didn't even really like work here. Why am I sitting here crying? Wait a minute, I'm just afraid of the uncertainty. But here's the thing about uncertainty. Guys, when everything is uncertain, anything is possible. Stepping into that uncertainty, embracing it and saying, I'm excited. I have no idea what's about to happen next. That means it's going to be different than this Groundhog day run that I've been on for a year or two years or 20 years. Who knows? This is exciting.

I'm taking my unique skills and talents somewhere new. I have no idea what that's going to look like. And that's why I'm jumping up and down to walk out the door in my house every morning, embracing this opportunity. This is like once in a lifetime rebirth. Here we go. This is my jump-off point. Right. So that's kind of how I see it versus how he's seeing it right now. And I said to him, you need to read my books. You need to listen to my podcast ASAP because it's important in those moments when you're really challenged, really down, like getting fired or breakup or whatever it is. And you're doubting and questioning yourself. It's critical who you surround yourself with.

Not only the people in your life, but the podcast, the books, you know, the content. content you consume, the media, really, you've got to curate this. I talk so much about this in my new book, Overcome Your Villains. It's the three-step process to overcome any adversity, beliefs, action, and knowledge. So I'm talking right now about this knowledge piece for him that, you know, who are you letting into your world? And this is like, I see you critical time right now, right? Intensive care. You're in it. So be that protective of you, that you're not letting anyone into your circle, into your head, unless it's someone who is cheering you. on supporting and encouraging you, someone who's light years ahead of you, that's showing you the way. Those are the people you want to surround yourself with. Fire all of the villains. And I promise you, if you were fired from that company, it's because you weren't the right fit anymore. It doesn't mean anything bad about you. It has nothing to do about you. When that woman fired me, she should have fired me. She was threatened by me. You don't want to be working side by side with someone you think is going to take your job. She should fire me. That I'm not the right fit for her.

And here I am, you know, four years later, outside of it. And I'm saying, what a gift. She was right. I shouldn't have been working there side by side. I was diminishing myself trying to make her feel comfortable. And that is the wrong answer. So stop shrinking the fit in the places you've already outgrown. The only reason you're freaking out is because you don't know what's on that other side.

But I'm here to tell you, for me there was my first book, Confidence Creator, and my speaking career and interviewing Sarah Blitz. lately live on stage at a sales conference and my TEDx talk getting promoted to TED and me launching my podcast back in 2019 and me signing with HarperCollins leadership and me taking these massive stages all around the country, right, helping so many people. There's been so many blessings that have happened and they all started with that one domino falling that day. The one domino that fell was that old life went away when I got fired. The old must fall away in order for the new. to arise. Don't see it as an end. This is just the beginning. Okay, if you love this show, I need you to tag your girl at Heather Monaghan. Share it on social media. And when you do, you get a chance to win the

audible version of Confidence Creator. And yes, I narrate it. I love it. You're going to love it. It's so good. Or you can win the, there's another audio version of my Overcome Your Villains. I give this backstory at the end of every chapter. It's not an audible. Maybe it's on Google. Maybe it's on Google play. I'm not sure which one. But post, tag me, share that you love the podcast. And when you do, you're going to hear from me or someone on my team. And you are going to get an audible or audio version of one of those two bucks. So please support the show. You sharing the show, even with just one person, helps so, so much. You have no idea. And we are turning three years old this month. I'm super excited. Would love your support. Please share. Please. Please.

encourage others to listen. Until next week, I'll be creating my confidence, and I know you will too.