Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan - #260: Start Putting Yourself FIRST, With Heather!

Episode Date: October 12, 2022

Have you been wanting to work with me? My annual Elite Mastermind is open NOW! Click the link below to learn more and apply now if you are ready to go to the next level! https://bit.ly/hm-cc-mastermind  In This Episode You Will Learn About:  Giving ourselves grace  Taking care of ourselves   Putting yourself FIRST  Resources: Overcome Your Villains is Available NOW! Order here: https://overcomeyourvillains.com  If you haven't yet, get my first book Confidence Creator Show Notes:  Start prioritizing YOUR needs! When you believe in yourself, you ALLOW for blessings to come into your life. Today, I’ll read a chapter from Confidence Creator to help you get rid of your negative self-talk, and get in the right mindset! Reminder, for this week I want you all to go easy on yourself, and speak to yourself with grace. You never know how CLOSE you are to leveling UP! 

I'm on this journey with me. Each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals. We overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow. I'm ready for my close-up. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me this week. So there has been a lot going on in my life lately, which is sort of interesting. I'm operating on very little sleep.

I have, if you've been riding with me for a while, you know I recently moved and I have no blackout blinds currently. And apparently it takes weeks to get blackout lines and first world problems. I mean, whatever. I'm just up, I'm up usually really early every morning anyways, but I have friends in town this weekend and I would have loved to have been able to sleep a little bit extra. That's not happening. Not in the cards right now. But I just wanted to remind you, none of us are at our best when we have not slept. That is for sure. And so I've definitely been, feeling this lack of sleep catching up with me the last few days, partially, because there's an emotional roller coaster, I'll explain, but just want to give some perspective on, you know,

when we're tough on ourselves and frustrated, things aren't going great. A lot of times it's because of the basics, right? We're not taking time for ourselves. We're not sleeping enough. Maybe we're not doing the things that we need to do to take care of ourselves. So please give yourself some grace today and take care of yourself, do the things that are important for you. The best version of you is someone who takes care of themselves, puts themselves first, because once you do that, you feel amazing, and you can take care of everyone and anything outside of you. So often, we just try to take care of everybody else. Okay, so interesting thing. My son's going through this really different time, being 15. And

And at his age, a lot of the kids, you know, they're changing and they're becoming young adults and they want to spend time together and they want to be more independent. And right, it's so cool to watch young adults transform and grow and just reminds me of all of that change that's always available to all of us all the time. Anytime. You don't just have to be 15 to be evolving and changing. You can do it at any point in time. Some of the change is good and some of the change in the moment seems really bad, but it ends up being great lessons. And that's sort of what I've been seeing with my son over the last week. So a lot of these kids have parties. They have people over their house. And my son had been wanting to have his birthday party held until we moved so that

we had a bigger place that he could have friends over. So we did that this weekend. And of course, I was home for the whole party. Of course, my decision, you know, not judging. anybody else, but I just, I don't want alcohol for kids that are underage. And so I just let it be known. There would be water, pizzas, you know, whatever, but no alcohol, and I would be home for the whole party. But one thing I didn't take into consideration is that the kids wanted all the lights off and a strobe light on, which, so you could see people, but you can't, you can't really see crystal clear. And unfortunately, I didn't stop to think, oh, you know, make sure everybody takes their shoes off or this or that.

Anyways, the bottom line is this. Hours later, it ends up that I put all the lights on when I get everybody out, and there's dark marks all over my entire home. I mean, I was so upset. I couldn't believe that just by having the lights off and the strobe light on, I wouldn't be able to notice what was going on. Epic fail, epic mom fail. And, like I said to my son, you know, these people that are being messy and aren't

attentive to things that are important to you in your home and your space, those aren't really the closest of your friends. Your close friends are the ones that hang back and help you clean up at the end of the party, which one of them did, and that was amazing. Right. But there's all these opportunities to notice how someone values your friendship, how they value you, and to really make a mental note of that, right? That people who disregard your space and your things probably aren't the right people for you, overcome your villains, fire your villains, and get rid of them hang tight with the ones that hang back and help you clean up. Okay, so I was so upset. I was upset with myself, number one, I was upset with my son for not having noticed or paid attention or

been responsible for this. And then, of course, I was disappointed in some of these friends that had not, had been careless, right? So I went to bed very upset that night, and the next day, I woke up and it was even worse than what I remembered. And so, you know, I went to, to work out to give myself some space, do something that I love to take care of me and clear my head. But I was really upset. I mean, I just felt like, you know, I had worked so hard to get us into this new home. And it's so nice and neat and clean and new. And I just wanted to take care of it in this really nice regard. And here I was disappointed in how I had allowed this to occur. And now, how do I fix it? Right. that's the next thing. And while I was in this downward spiral and just in the worst mood, exhausted

and really frustrated, I called one of my friends. And I basically said, here's my situation. I don't know what to do. Basically what I did was ask for her help, emotional support, right? But what was interesting is, and I hope that this impacts you in a powerful way, because I keep thinking about it, it's impacted me in such a big way. She says, Heather, you need the magic eraser. And I said, well, what's that? Like the easy button? I'm always looking for the easy button. What do you mean?

And she said, no, it's a real thing. Magic Eraser. She said, go to CVS or Walgreens or Publix or whatever and go buy it. And then anywhere you see a mark, go through your home and it will come right off. I had never heard of this. I don't even know how it's possible that I had never heard of this before, but I hadn't. Right? And it just goes to show we know so little about what is available to us.

Everything is always changing. There's always new possibilities, new products, new solutions that we just might not be aware of yet. So that's why it's so important to listen to different podcasts, read different books, call on your friends, ask for help, research, you know, Google different things. Because you never know how close you are to that solution that you desperately want. And when I tell you, Saturday morning, I desperately wanted a solution and I had no idea. what that solution was going to be. And in that one phone call to one of my very good friends, she enlightened me by telling me about a product that would literally change my mental state. I went immediately to the store. I got this magic eraser, which I never even knew existed. And again, I mean, I cleaned my house the entire day and then obviously my son did it as well. But this magic eraser worked miracles. It literally was my easy button. So I just challenge you the next time you're facing some big issue or problem and you don't know how to solve it, realize, no, there is a solution there. We just haven't found it yet. And allow that to motivate you to keep seeking and searching to find it because it will reveal itself. And thankfully for me, that magic eraser was incredible. My house looks great right now. And I'm so pleased. I literally, You know, 24 hours ago was in an awful situation where I thought I didn't know how to fix a problem.

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However, albeit a tough one in the moment. But, again, lessons can be learned and we can move on, forgive ourselves, give ourselves some grace, and learn from these difficult moments. In other news, today my son is taking his first ever driver's lesson. And so we were talking about him getting ready for it, and he's actually on it right now. He has his permit. And I'm not with him. His father's not with him. He's by himself with the instructor and driving.

And so he was saying to me, Mom, you know, I don't know how I'm going to do. I don't really want to go on a highway. You know, he was like qualifying all these things. And I said to him, listen, don't you remember when you drive the jet ski because he's driven a jet ski a number of times. And when we go on a jet ski together, he and I, I always sit in the back and let him drive because he's super, super confident. And I just reminded him, I said, I want to give you this analogy that when you're driving the jet ski, you're so confident and you're not questioning things and you're not hesitating and second-guessing yourself.

Apply that same reasoning and same way of thinking to this, and it will be exactly the same. You'll be such a strong driver. You need to trust yourself. You need to believe in yourself. And you need to approach it with confidence. And again, that doesn't mean acting like you're cocky. Oh, I'm good at A, so of course I'm going to be good at B. No, it's saying, hey, I was good at this, which leads me to believe I'll be really good at this too.

Why wouldn't I? And I'm going to approach it in a really smart fashion. I'm going to pay attention. I'm not going to do the things I'm not supposed to do, touch my phone, you know, fiddle around, whatever. I'm going to focus. I'm going to listen to the direction, and I'm going to trust myself. And it all goes back to that confidence and self-belief. And I'm so excited for he's not going to be home for another hour. But I can't wait to hear how it went because I already know how it went. Because I know that giving him that story and that analogy of his own life and when he has driven a jet ski before and how well he did at it, that that will set him up for future success like driving in the car today. So fingers crossed. I'm putting it out. out there. I am really hopeful that it goes well. And I trust him driving the car. So hopefully me believing in him and me trusting in him will help him trust himself even more. That's why it's so

important that not only that we trust ourselves, not only that we continuously work on our confidence and work on picking ourselves back up with resiliency, but it's so important, the people that we allow in our circles, right? Because yes, I am my son's champion. But at the same time, my son got grounded this weekend because I was very upset about what happened at the party and the disregard for our home. So, you know, I'm not only a cheerleader for my child. I definitely, you know, have boundaries and we have discipline and it's not all roses and rainbows. Wish it was, but it's not, right? So again, people don't have to just be your cheerleader. They can be firm with you. They can have boundaries. But at the end of the day, they need to really want what's good for you and be that

champion on the inside. And sometimes that means calling you out for bad behavior, right? That's okay. But there's a big difference between someone like that that's going to hold you accountable. It's going to challenge you to grow and cheer you on versus someone who's a fake friend or someone who disregards your home and doesn't care if they have muddy feet and, you know, don't clean it up and don't apologize. It's important that you find people that are your true champions and that you overcome the villains that might be in the way. And for me, working side by side with someone, who always wanted to give me disparaging looks, put me down, stab me in the back, that took such a toll on me and my confidence. And I didn't see it on day one. I remember trying to ignore

it for a long time. And that was the wrong answer. So I just want to remind you today, if you have someone like that in your life, in your circle, at work, wherever, overcome those villains to create space for positive people to start showing up, especially yourself. Right? You're going to be the best version of yourself when you've gotten rid of those negative people that are surrounding you. So just a little reminder how important it is to overcome the villains, fire the villains, and make sure you've got people propping you up for success, challenging you to grow and be the best version of you possible. So I had shared with you last week that I had my first in-person speaking engagement for Northwestern Mutual, which it's so funny, some things in my life

come to fruition overnight or in moments and it's a miracle, truly. it's such a blessing that these things just magically happen. But then there's other things I work really hard for that never come to fruition, like my partnership with Perry Ellis and our product line we were launching, which we ended up canceling after nine months of work. And it was a lot of work. But looking at this situation with Northwestern Mutual, a year and a half ago, I believe, was the first time I did a call with this company to talk about me potentially speaking for them. And when I tell you, I've been on countless calls with a variety of different people within that company over the last year and a half. That is fact.

Right. So there was a lot of time and ever put into this. And ultimately, it came to fruition last week. It was an amazing event. And I wanted to mention the woman that put it all together. It was just an idea of hers that she felt there should be a regional women's event for the company to support women within the workplace, bring women together to encourage and champion one another. which they hadn't done before on the regional level. They had done it on a national level.

And she brought that idea, pitched her leadership team, told them why she thought it was so important, and circled back with them, and circled back with them, and circled back and didn't give up on this concept or idea. And she ended up getting it funded, and she ended up, you know,

getting a team of people to work alongside with her to bring this to life. And it was such a beautiful event. And really the sentiment that I got from the women that attended this event, they were just so excited to, number one, be together in person, you know, because for two years, so many people were just operating virtually.

But number two, this idea that we are worthy, that, you know, this companies and these people are investing us because they see our worth, they're encouraging us, and they're making it real and tangible. And that's such a beautiful, powerful thing because, of course, we want to be able to see our own worth ourselves, but it is nice when you know you're working with people that see it as well,

and are willing to make the investment in you, to take the time. And then for this woman that put the event together, it also reaffirms to her that her ideas are valuable. And it reaffirms to her that so much more possibility is out there for her. Because if this was just a thought that she just randomly had, well, what's that next thought going to be? Because she can bring that forward and create something from that as well, because she did it this first time.

So for you, just realize that a closed mouth never gets fed. You're going to have ideas, but you've got to act on them. You've got to ask for the help and the support. And you've got to know that you might not always get a yes, but you can change your pitch. You can change who you're asking. You can change your approach. Or you can change the idea. There's so much possibility out there.

But seeing this whole event come to fruition, knowing it started when I met this woman, she randomly heard me to speak engagement a year ago. And that's how she came into my life, sending me a message at my website. about my speech and my book and, you know, just being such a champion for me and telling me that she wanted me so badly to speak for her company. And not only did she make that happen, but I actually was speaking to her today. She's become a friend. And she was saying, now we're onward to the next bigger national events, Heather, and this is where we're going to go together. And it's just, it's so exciting to see what momentum does for people. And it's so exciting

to see when you have good people brought into your life that a year ago you didn't even know, right? who knows who that next amazing person is going to be that's going to show up in your life? Who knows what amazing person you can help next, you know, based off of coming up with ideas, believing in your ideas, seeing them through, taking action and going for what is possible for you. And it is always changing, constantly changing. So I'm super proud of the event that we had last week. I'm super proud of this woman for coming up with the idea, seeing it through and making it happen. and the feedback was incredible.

Now, it was funny, the night before I'm speaking at an event, I typically will go through all of my notes, you know, what my goal is, how I want to lead people feeling. I qualify all these things up front ahead of time with my clients. And then, you know, I revisit everything and prepare and prep. But this was a little different. I wanted to try something different, which if you don't test and try different ideas, you're never going to know if there's a better way to do it for you, right? So I decided the night before I was going to give this talk that, you know, I've prepped enough.

I've done so many speeches and I felt really confident going into the event and venue. But you know what? I started thinking to myself, I started thinking to really go to that next level, to guarantee that you're landing the biggest stages in the country, right? To really push yourself beyond, you need to become, this is what I was thinking, you know, challenging myself to get to that next level in the speaking business. And I started thinking, okay, to get to the highest level, I mean, first of all, I can access anyone's content on my TV, you know, through Google, through YouTube, whatever, and find out

what the number one best speakers in the world have to say. So I think to myself, Oprah Winfrey gets paid over a million dollars a keynote, right? Hello, coming for you, Oprah. Love to get there too, heading for you. So I'm thinking if I want to be at her level, I need to dive into some of her content and see what does she say, you know, so if you want to be the best, start listening. listening to the best to gain their insights and apply where it makes sense, you know, let the information go if it doesn't resonate with you. But where it does, you know, take those

tips and tricks and implement it in your life and test and try it. So that's what I decided to do the night before was I thought, okay, I'm going to access some of Oprah's content to see what is it that she says about, you know, why is she such an incredible speaker? What is it that makes her so different and so far ahead of so many female speakers? And so I googled her and YouTube came up and I was watching some of her videos. And it was incredible to me to see that the majority of the messaging that I got or I was served was all around her and her spiritual journey and the art of surrendering to God, which I don't know why. I haven't, you know, the Oprah Winfrey show hasn't been on TV in a long time.

I used to watch it years and years ago. And, you know, she's a huge icon and creates content on social media, has magazines, and whatnot. So she pops up on my TV, computer, whatever, my phone, and I see some of her stuff, but I haven't really immersed myself in it. And never do I remember seeing a lot from her around spiritual guidance, or maybe I wasn't receiving it at the time. You know, sometimes you have to be willing and ready to receive the information. So maybe I wasn't looking at her content or this type of content. But for whatever reason, the night before my speech, everything that I was looking at that she was creating on YouTube was all about the spiritual journey, all about

surrender, all about turning it over. Even so much so, one of the videos that I watched where she was talking about why she believed she's so successful, she completely attributed to that she never had the vision to be as big as she is, but that she turned it over to God and allowed for God's plan and received God's plan and guidance, not knowing what this potential vision could be, life could be for her. And I found that to be so interesting because I guess part of me thought, you know, if you reach that level of success, that somewhere along the way when you were younger, you had this drive, this ambition, this vision, you know, of massive success for your future. And she never really had that. She surrendered to God and received it, which was a very different

way of looking at it. So it opened my mind to the possibility that didn't just have to be this one way I thought it had to be, but instead I could surrender and hand it over to God and do it differently, allowing God to leave me. So that was how I approached this speech, and I'll tell you, it was definitely, you know, I speak at a lot of different events, some are very serious, some are much more business, some are much more rowdy, right? Different contexts, different environments, different groups of people. And this was a super fun, just positive uplifting one where it wasn't so much about business strategy. It was more about motivating, elevating, and allowing women to know that they're encouraged.

So I knew it was going to be fun and a little bit different. And I really wanted to turn it over and surrender to the idea that I could do it differently. And so I approached it very differently. And it was received incredibly well. So for me, this is not how I typically show up. I typically prep, prep and prep for hours and hours, especially the night before, going through exactly what I'm going to say, exactly how I'm going to do it. But instead, this time, I let it go.

I let God. I turned it over. And I thought, similar to how Oprah had that I don't have to have this vision for exactly how it's going to go. I have to trust in this process. I have to surrender to something so much bigger than me and allow for it to occur, grow, and happen. And I was super happy with the end result, right? I just, I felt, I felt so blessed. And then it was so funny.

After the talk, I was signing books that the company graciously bought my book for everyone in attendance, and I was signing the books for everyone, which is such a cool experience when you get to hear what someone, you know, thinks about or how you impacted them. It's just, it's such a blessing to know you're living a purpose-driven life that you're trying to, you know, encourage and impact people in a positive way. and in those moments, you can just feel it all come together. It's literally like magic. It's incredible.

And I was so grateful for those moments and for those women and the feedback that they gave me and just being so real and fantastic. So it was this amazing experience. And then suddenly these two women basically came out of nowhere and started telling me how God is such a big part of their life and how much they trust God and how they are being guided by angels. And when I tell, this is at a business event, right? It just came out of left field. And to me, it was just this validation that I'm on the right path and this validation that it doesn't have

to be this quote unquote way I thought it had to be. Things don't have to happen in this linear fashion, this way that I used to always live. In fact, I can lean into my faith. I can let go of this way that it has to be. I can stop struggling with that. Let go. Let God. and like Oprah said, his plan is greater than ours, allow it to unfold, receive it, be willing to receive it, and move forward in faith. So that is where I am today. And today, I actually, I was in church today, and our pastor was talking a lot about pressure and the pressures in life, whether it be financial pressure, relationship pressure, health pressures, social pressures, there's always going to be so much pressure. But the key is to move forward.

not with sight, but with faith, and to see the pressures as the opportunity to strengthen your faith. And it was such a great message. I definitely received it so well. And it's also so interesting as you open up your mind to things as you continually see these same things and themes popping up in your life. It's an incredible magical feeling that I so want for you. I hope that you're open to it. I hope. And again, you don't have to be on a spiritual journey. I'm not, you know, I'm not here to judge anyone. I'm not here to tell people what to do. I guess I'm here is to maybe share some different ideas and things that have been working for me to see if maybe some of it can benefit you. So you are the only one that knows what journey you're on. You are

the only one that knows what's going to work for you, what resonates with you, what makes sense for you. I'm just hoping you give some of it a try. Okay, so I've gotten a lot of questions lately around specifics. Heather, I need to grow my confidence. and I'm struggling in different areas. What's some of the advice you can give me? All right. So I'm opening up Confidence Creator. It's a credible book.

Incredible. I love it. Oh, did I mention I wrote it? Yes, I did. Okay. This is my favorite, no, I can't say my favorite book because I have two books. So this is one of my two favorite books. And this book actually has three errors in it,

and I am so proud of that because Dun will always be better than perfect. Okay. This is a really good chapter, chapter 30, in my first book, Confidence Creator. and it's called five phrases I fired. These are really tactical changes you can implement in your life that will 100% elevate your confidence. Okay, so here we go. Finding your voice is about learning how and when to speak up,

but it's also about learning when and what not to say. That was another lesson I learned the hard way. Here is a list of words and phrases that I have cut out of my vocabulary to empower myself, and hopefully you will too. Number one, yes. Whenever asked to do anything at work, my answer would be yes or no problem. It didn't matter if I had the time or the ability to complete the task because I feared it would leave a negative impression if I declined something. I developed a mindset where I would take on the added responsibility when nobody else would.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I was setting a dangerous precedent because people will treat you the way that you teach them to and allow them to. Once I was able to identify that behavior, I made it a point not to be a dumping ground for tasks that nobody else wanted. Today, I consider my own priorities before I accept any new tasks. I am more mindful of my time and how extra responsibility will affect me. Even if my manager acknowledges the added burden, I make sure to have a conversation with that person. I ask questions and try to identify the best solution for everyone involved. If you find yourself with free time on your hands, it's a great idea to volunteer for a project. But if you're accepting added work only out of fear, then you need to work on yourself

confidence first. This is true in our personal lives as well. If you are the one always saying yes to doing the errands, the laundry, and not having a say in plans, it will leave you feeling less than important. And that's not going to work. Number two, this isn't fair. If yes is the cause, then this isn't fair is the effect. Not speaking up and not creating boundaries at work can lead to your becoming overwhelmed with too much responsibility or being taken advantage of. This inevitably leads to massive frustration. When I used to get upset that others didn't take on the same workload and challenges that I did, I would often complain to my boss. I may have been right, but what I didn't realize at the time was that I also had the power to change things. By creating

boundaries and respecting my time and commitments, I was able to more accurately assess what I could realistically take on. This forced management to lean on others at times when they would typically turn to me. Remember that we can change how people treat us by changing how we treat ourselves. That is so true. Number three, I don't agree, but I'll make it work. Oh my gosh. When I began working for a kind person after years of working for unpleasant employers, I found myself wanting to keep him happy. That often meant doing whatever he said. Even if I had a better solution, I often kept my mouth shut and took the path of least resistance. One day, I realized that by keeping my mouth shut, not only was I hurting myself, but in some cases, I was hurting the company. Keeping others happy

at work was never in my job description. So I made the decision to respectfully make my opinion known when I disagreed. I now spend time trying to convince others why my idea will work. When I can't successfully convince management to change their decision, I make my disagreement known. So it's on record that I did everything in my power to improve the situation. This also forces the person in question to truly consider your position, and it might leave them thinking twice about moving forward their way. When you know you have the best solution, speak from a place of strength and confidence. Try saying this. I don't agree, but luckily I have another solution.

Magic Eraser. Okay, best solution ever. Number four, I feel. Beginning a statement by saying, I feel, immediately takes the power away from you by making the statement more emotional than factual. For example, would it be stronger to say, I feel that choosing to pass on this candidate is the right decision? Or passing on this candidate is the right decision. Obviously, it's the second one. If you want to be taken seriously at work and in life, have your voice heard and drop I feel from your vocabulary.

Number five, like. This one was a difficult habit to break. Do you say a word so often that you don't even realize you're saying it? That's how I was with the word like. Thankfully, I had a few friends that let me know in private, using that word like made me sound uneducated. Even they noticed how I was using the word to fill in the gaps during a conversation. Since learning this, I have nixed the word from my vocabulary, and I try to help others do the same. It's hard enough when you're perceived a certain way because of your exterior.

Couple that with using words that don't add value and you're making things tougher than they need to be. 86 the like. Okay, hopefully that helped. Hopefully you can implement some of those changes this week. and hopefully you are working on showing up as the most confident version of you possible. Until next week, keep creating your confidence. You know I will be. Come on this journey with me.