Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan - #270: The Top Way To Stop Playing Small & Go For More! With Heather!

Episode Date: November 16, 2022

In This Episode You Will Learn About:  The best way to reframe constructive criticism and put it to work for you How to overcome an unexpected loss The 2 types of people you need in your life to ensure you stop playing small and go for more! Resources: Overcome Your Villains is Available NOW! Order here: https://overcomeyourvillains.com  If you haven't yet, get my first book Confidence Creator Show Notes:  You’ve got to give life your ALL! When you bring it, 100%, you can never fail. Start reflecting and asking yourself questions, and your life’s purpose will find YOU! We must LET GO of the things we cannot control! No good comes from stressing about things we have zero say over. Instead, focus on how you can continue to improve and succeed! Keep exploring and trying out new things to discover what helps you manage and eliminate the inevitable stress in your life!  

I'm on this journey with me. Each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals. We'll overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow. I'm ready for my close-up. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me this week. Okay, in an effort to keep it real for you, I am so tired right now. It's ridiculous. Okay, I think you know that I had this huge week this past week I had, I think it was 10 different speaking engagements, a number of which were virtual, but some of which were in person. And it's funny when I speak, the only way I can explain it is just to say leave it all on the field. I put everything, every last bit of energy

of my entire body. I mean, I just, I don't know, I really feel like I, I'm so grateful to get the opportunity to do what I love to do for a living. I'm so blessed. But the reason why I do it, I always say to myself, if I can impact one person, if I could change one person's life through this talk, through this, you know, moment and time, everything is so worth it, right? This is why I'm here. I truly believe that. And so if I don't bring it, you know, everything that I've got, I feel like not only am I failing the people that I'm there for, I'm failing myself, I'm failing, the greater good, right? I just, it's crazy because, as you know, if you've been with me for a while, you know, I was in corporate America for over 20 something years, I always cared about what I did.

Don't get me wrong, but I never felt like this. I mean, it's crazy. Truly finding your purpose in life is a game changer. If you have not found yours yet, start asking yourself the questions. What is it that I was really put here to do? Start asking God, your higher power, the universe, you know, what is it that people keep coming to? What do people ask me for? When am I my happiest? What am I my most excited? What am I passionate about things? And maybe you need to strip some things out of your life. Maybe you need to fire some villains from your life, right? Maybe you need to get some of that negativity, guilt, shame, whatever's holding you back. So you can start seeing clearly. Clear the deck, right? Get all this ancillary other stuff out of your way and get really clear with yourself.

and start asking those questions, start journaling. You know, find out what your purpose and passion are, because I'm telling you as someone who speaks with firsthand experience, you know, I've just figured mine out in the last couple of years, and it's game-changing. That's why I'm here. I'm definitely here to be my son's mother. I know that, too, right?

But I'm here to make the world a better place. I truly know that. And it's crazy. I also know that's why I had such a hard childhood. That's why, oh, my gosh, I'm... met so much adversity in my life. It's crazy, literally insane and like many of us have, right? So I know that those adversities were placed in my way so that I can do what I do now. I would never be able to do what I do now had I not gone through the trials and tribulations I have in

my life. That much is true. It's so annoying. I'm not going to lie, right? Because I always can't stand the moments when you're in it, right? Because you could never see the dots connecting when you're in it. You can only see it after the fact. So you go through the heartbreak, you go through the upset. You know, what's funny is this week, one day, I believe it was Wednesday this week, all of a sudden the world decided we had a hurricane coming for us. And I immediately started panicking when it was getting close because it looked like it was a straight on hit to Miami. And here I was getting so scared and upset. And the next. morning I woke up and it was just gone. It turned and completely missed us. I mean, we had

winds of 40 miles an hour, which is nothing here. And here I was worrying and staying up late the night before robbing myself of peace, robbing myself of time. I could have been doing good and creating something positive. I was just living in fear and obsessing with the media. It made no sense. And it was funny because the next day I had an in-person speech and there were people that traveled all over the world to get here to Miami for this conference. And I was sharing that same message with them. How many of us sat up last night, paranoid, wondering, should we jump on a flight and get out of here? Right. And half of the room was in the same boat I was. And it was just, it was such an interesting moment to reflect that the things we have no control on, we can't sit around

and obsess about, let it go, turn it over. It is not worth your time. There's plenty instead. We can sit around and do things about, right? There's work that can be done. There's, you know, we can raise the bar ourselves, we can go work out, we could spend time with great people, we can jump into content that elevates us, we can read a great book. There's so many things we can do that we're in charge of and in control of to become a better version of ourselves, to make the world a better place, to do whatever it is that we're looking to do. But to sit around and worry about the things we have zero control about is the most epic fail and biggest waste of time. I'm done with it. I am not doing that again. I literally wasted a night in my life.

life, I will never get back again, and the joke was on me as I woke up in the morning to the most beautiful day. It was crazy. Okay, so that was just a little life lesson I had to share with you. And all right, so back to, I'm so tired. So the funny thing is, I had this crazy week. I left it all on the field. Literally, I was broken by Friday. I just, I was a shell of myself. And I'm always super high energy person, but no. One of my girlfriends came over to my house Friday night, and she's like, oh my gosh, you don't even look like yourself right now. I didn't. I was a of myself. I was so tired. I was rubbing my eyes like a little baby. It was so weird. But I also felt super proud about it, right? Like, oh my gosh, I left it all on the field. And then I'll tell you,

it goes to the feedback you get, right? So whatever it is you currently do for a living or what you do for work or what you do in the world, get feedback. You know, we live in a review and recommendation, society and world. I'm always asking people, hey, can I get a testimony? Hey, can I get feedback on what you thought went well or what didn't go well for the event? Hey, would you be willing to give me a review of my work. I ask on the regular. I mean, it's nauseating. However, I will tell you, not only does it teach me so much about what others see in me and what lands and what doesn't land, that makes me a better speaker. That allows me to create better content. And it educates me, right? So we are never going to see ourselves the same way other people see us. That's just a fact.

We need to start seeing ourselves through the lens of others so that we can show up as that best version of ourselves. And to that end, you know, I'm always trying to find ways to get better. I don't want to just be stagnant. I did that for a decade at my last corporate job when I was a chief revenue officer. I was stagnant for 10 years. I just didn't really grow. I mean, it looks like I did on the outside. You know, you make more money or more accolades or whatever. But really, I was doing the same thing day and day out. I wasn't, that is not the case anymore, by the way. I headlined the AICP annual conference in. Miami this week, and it's an accounting conference, right? Like, who ever thought I'd be a keynote

closer for an accounting conference for people all over the world? But I was. So that's stepping out of my comfort zone, right? That was a new thing for me. That's a growth moment for me. I'm constantly stepping into moments like this and challenging myself to see how can I show up better, how can I impact more, how can I, you know, do a better job? And one of the ways I push myself to get better, and for anyone listening that is interested in public speaking and getting better in public speaking, go to church and listen to pastors. I'm just going to tell you that right now, because the pastor at my church is incredible. And one of the things I noticed today, I'm always studying while he's speaking and trying to apply it back to me. Like, how can I leverage

what I'm watching and learning and seeing here with him? And like, what part of it could I take and add in my own way to what I do. And it hit me right between the eyes today as he constantly uses props. Today he had a huge prop. He brought a humongous door out and had the door on the stage with him the whole time he was preaching and he was using it as he was explaining how God's always knocking, but there's no knob on that side of the door. The only knob is on the inside and it's up to us to decide do we want to open the door and allow God into our lives or not. It was a beautiful message. It obviously resonated with me so much because I'm sitting here sharing it with you, but it just reminded me, we aren't the end-all be-all at anything. Nobody is, right? We can all

get better by observing others, seeing what their ideas, their creativity is, what they do well. And it challenged me today to say, okay, what prop can I start? I don't use props when I speak. I just get up and talk, which I always thought is so cool and, you know, impressive. But after seeing it And today, I was like, maybe it's kind of cool, impressive to use props, too. But guess what? I need to test and try it, right? So always be testing and trying. We don't want to just create one product, one solution, and just leave it stagnant.

That's what happened in the radio business that I was in, and that industry is just, you know, falling apart because so many of those companies just created a product and left it. And then the world advanced around it, and they were left behind. Don't be left behind. Choose to innovate. Choose to test and try. choose to get up and learn from others in surprising locations and just see what could be possible and then see how you can apply it back to your life. So you got to hold me accountable on this one. I've got to find a way to bring some props into my speeches. I'm not sure what that's going to look

like yet, but we are going to test and try it for sure, and I'm super excited about it. When you want more, start your business with Northwest Registered Agent and get access to thousands of free guides, tools, and legal forms to help you launch and protect your business. All in one place. Build your complete business identity with Northwest today. Northwest registered agents has been helping small business owners and entrepreneurs launch and grow businesses for nearly 30 years. They are the largest registered agent and LLC service in the U.S. with over 1,500 corporate guides, real people who know your local laws and can help you in your business every step of the way. Build your business identity.

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school. My son was not there. It was for the young ladies at my son's school. But it was just, it was so interesting because all week I had very different audiences, you know, some just basic corporate events and then, and again, some with, you know, middle school and high schoolers, which was so different. And it was funny when I was at my son's school, we opened it up for Q&A after my talk. And while I was at his school, I was speaking to them about the power of intention and waking up in the morning and setting a strong intention every day and, and, you know, leadership by example on how do we lead and how are we showing up and you don't need, you know, the title of captain or MVP to lead on a court or at school. Create that intention

in the morning. I will show up as a leader today. I will lead the way with light and love and kindness for others. You know, whatever that mantra is going to be for you, state it, claim it, own it, speak it into existence and start showing up as it. And watch how the world changes for the better around you. I was talking about that in my talk there, and they opened up for Q&A after. And a beautiful young lady was raising her hand for me, and I called on her, and she said, and by the way, it's not very usual for high schoolers to ask a lot of questions. I've done a number of high schools, and it's the fewest questions you ever get as a speaker

because they're all so concerned with what everybody thinks around them. oh, you know, will I be judged? Well, it's just, it's so sad. It breaks my heart. But again, I've been that young girl so concerned with what everybody else will say or think of me, too, and I'm sure I didn't ask many questions for the same reason. So I am not judging them. I am so with them. It just breaks my heart that it has to be like that. So she was raising her hand, called on her, and she said, hey, Heather, for those of us who aren't always positive and motivated like you, can you teach us some hacks? How do we overcome that one? Where are the one standing in our own way? And I said, oh my gosh, I started laughing. Because P.S., and I always want to be really clear about this, I am not always positive and motivated. Heck no. And P.S., today is one of those days. I am so tired. My son got home at one in the morning last night. I went Richter. I was so mad that he was out so late. And it was funny. I ran into my next door neighbor in the elevator today. And he said,

said, how's your Sunday? And I said, not great because I'm so tired. And I'm feeling bad for myself and I'm cranky. I'm not great. I'm very little sleep, especially when, you know, my 15-year-old stayed out there. It's just the whole thing was so ridiculous and rude and not thoughtful and not kind and really upset me. And he gave me great perspective this morning. He said, Heather, my son goes to school with his son. They're a couple years apart. He said, Heather, we have amazing kids. And we should be so thankful. They don't do drugs. They're kind. They do a good job in school. They play sports. They have great friends. You know, we are so blessed and so lucky. And I'm so hopeful for their future. And he was so right. I was sitting here throwing a tantrum in the elevator about how bad my life is because I'm tired, but first world problems. And he just reminded me, these aren't real problems, right? These are, yeah, that's not great that my son stayed out that late and you should have come home when he was supposed to be home. But at the end of the day, he's a great kid, and he's doing great things, and his future is so bright.

And those are the things I need to come back to. So I was so grateful for that perspective today and that gift of the idea of hope and gratitude and hope that that can reframe whatever challenge you're facing right now, that maybe it is just a first world problem. And we can focus on the things and parts of the challenges that we are grateful for. But when this young lady asked me that question, you know, I had to laugh because this. The day that I was speaking at my son's school, I had just spoken for Verizon earlier in the day. And that talk had gone incredible, and I was getting this great feedback. However, so to anyone seeing me after my Verizon talk, you know, you'd think I was on top of the world. I was getting all these messages, and this was the best.

It was the most attended talk ever that we've ever had. You know, people were going crazy and telling me how it was the best thing ever, and I'm super grateful for the people. feedback and appreciative, always offer support and feedback to others when you can, when it's genuine. It's so appreciated. Never will fall on deaf ears. And the reality was my morning had started out, in my mind, really not great. So that morning that I was going to be giving the Verizon speech and then the speech from my son's school, I was up. I always, you know, I get up, I have a, you know, drink my coffee, whatever, and I go through my bullet points and my notes to get myself fired up and ready. I have my playlist on.

It's my go-to playlist for any day I have a speech. It gets me in the zone and the right mindset. You know, I fire up my candles that I love. I do these things that, like, make me feel happy, right? Because I want to get in the best mindset possible because I want to impart and encourage others and impart knowledge on others. And so I'm doing all my things. And I made a huge mistake, which I'm sure. make a get in my life, I opened up my email. And just as you never know, like how the hurricane,

you know, never materialized in Miami went completely, you know, north of us and was never an issue, you never know what could happen on email either, right? So sometimes it can be incredible and sometimes not so incredible. So I opened it up and it's an email from real leaders that named me top 50 keynote speaker in the world for 2022, which I was so incredibly honored, humble, I was named top 40 female keynote speaker in 2020. I didn't win anything in 2021. And then 2022, I was the top 50 in the world for men and women, which was incredible. So grateful, so thankful and was just incredible.

Well, of course, once you win something like that, you just assume you're getting it again. I mean, right? Wouldn't you? I did. I had even a couple of my friends were on the list. One of my good friends was ahead of me and I was giving him a really hard time. how I was going to knock them off the list and beat him this year. So I've been running my mouth about this.

And I was 100% certain I was getting on because I'd spoken so much more in the last 12 months than I had prior. I mean, I spoke for Amazon, Google, Harvard, right? Like, huge. I'm speaking for Ernst and Young in a couple of weeks, like, humongous, the biggest companies in the world I've spoken for now. And the feedback's been incredible and I have all the testimony. Like, I'm killing it, right? this is how I think. And I'm on top of the world. I'm so excited. And I open the email and it says top 50 keynote speaker list, 2003, and I click on it and I'm scrolling and scrolling and

scrolling and scrolling and I'm not on there. So I refresh the list and I'm scrolling and I'm scrolling and scrolling and I'm not on there. And I refresh. I'm like, what? This has got to be wrong. It has to be wrong. I'm clicking on nine million different things and I'm not on there. And my friends aren't on there either. So it was a totally different list this year. And to say that I was devastated is pretty much accurate. I was, my ego, number one, took a hit, but also not even just the ego, for sure my ego took a hit because I had run my mouth to so many people about this. So of course, there's the embarrassing factor, like, oh, why did I do that, make it so much work. But also there was the disappointed. I deserved it this year. For sure, if I won last year,

I totally deserved. It doesn't add up. This doesn't make sense. I'm very frustrated. I worked so hard and I did a really great job this year and I can't believe I didn't get it. So I messaged my friend who didn't get on either and I'm like, what that heck is going on? They are sleeping on us. I cannot believe this. And he explained to me, listen, they went a different direction this year. They only went with, you know, social media type influencers. He's like, some of these people have, I don't even think they speak, you know, but they have millions of followers.

I don't have millions of followers yet. And so, you know, he made it a little bit more. palatable to swallow, but it's still that marketing tool's gone for me, which it's an incredible marketing tool, right? I mean, it just allows you to charge more, you know, elevate your status in a new industry. It just stinks, right? So I explained to this young lady at the Q&A at my son's school, listen, this morning, I was crying in my soup, my proverbial soup, right? I was sitting there with my head down on my computer, so mad, so frustrated, angry at the world, feeling like, why me, why this happened to me? And, you know, it's one of those moments that you have no control over.

I'm not the one picking list. I did all the things I could control. I showed up on the regular daily in the last year bringing my A game for every talk, you know, doing qualifying calls ahead of time, doing follow-up after. I mean, I did the work. I did the things I could do, and I'm super proud of it, other than like my pastor, I wasn't using props. Maybe that's why I missed. I don't know. We're going to have to refine and improve and test and try that one. But for the most part, I did a really great job. I'm super proud of myself. And I delivered, right? And I thought I should have gotten it. Apparently, somebody else didn't. And that's when you just have to turn it over and say, you know what? It stinks. It wasn't what I hoped for. But I got to let it go. The longer I sit

in the negativity, the worst my day is going to get. Right? The longer you sit in the negative energy, the more negative you become. And then the more negative things around you become. I know that. Where you put your focus is, you know, what's going to grow and intensify. So for me, I had to fire up my playlist. I had to detach from that email and let it go. And then I decided, you know what, I'm kind of being a fraud if I do that today. In fact, why don't I lead both of my speeches with what happened this morning? And so I did.

I opened both of my speeches that day saying that I didn't get, you know, 2000, 3, top 50 keynote speaker and that in some ways I felt a little bit like a fraud. here I was taking these humongous stages and, you know, having these great opportunities, but I just lost the title, right, that I had been anointed. And that takes me back to this whole, you don't need anyone to give you the title. Give yourself the title. You don't need anyone to give you the permission. Give yourself the permission.

And I took the permission to shine a light on my shame and basically say, yeah, I'm really disappointed and get it. However, I know that I will deliver. I know that I am worthy. and while it was nice having someone else tell me and anoint me and grant me the title, I'm going to give it to myself. I'm going to let those people know by the end of this upcoming year. Oof, we fell asleep on that woman and we should not have.

I will bring my A game and my heat everywhere, tenfold this year. So I turn it into an opportunity to get better. Again, doesn't mean I didn't feel really low that morning. But time heals all things. You know, here we are a week later. and I feel fine about it. Like I've worked through it. I'm grateful I leverage it in my talks.

My audiences loved that I shared that, right? Because it was a painful, hurtful moment for me. I could have let it really take me down on some levels, but instead I used it as motivation to connect with my audiences, show that I felt bad about something and how I could turn it into potentially something good. So I truly believe always claim your shame, because if you don't, that shame is going to claim.

you and that's a losing battle when you let your shame claim you. Get rid of guilt. Get rid of shame. Get that stuff out of your way. Clear that deck so you can start focusing on what is good in your life. You can bring more good into your life and you can step into your power. Starting the year with a wardrobe refresh, Quince has you covered with lux essentials that feel effortless and look polished. They're perfect for layering, mixing, and building a wardrobe that lasts. Their versatile styles make it easy to reach for them day after day. Quince has all the staples covered, from soft Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like designer pieces without the markup to 100% silk tops and skirts for easy dressing up to perfectly cut denim

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And there was a great message that I received that really helped me. Here it is. So a good friend of mine who I adore, I love this guy. He's just an incredible human being, great friend, just wonderful person. I think the world of him. He has been playing too small, in my opinion. and I'm completely right on this. He's been playing too small.

He has way too much to give the world, way too much greatness inside of him, but something within him makes him dial it back down occasionally. He calls it, you know, being humble or whatever. I just call it playing small. I can't stand it. It makes me nuts because here's the thing, and I mean this for you too. You don't need permission to go bigger.

You don't need the world is a very dark place. We all know that. I mean, there's this looming recession. there's war, there's all the negativity with politics. It's not bright and beautiful. And if you are a bright and beautiful good person, amplify your light, right? Start that domino effect. Start that chain effect. And do it in a big, meaningful way. God did not put any of us on this earth to be lukewarm. Right. We are here to be original and to amplify our voices and to do good and to connect with others and to encourage. And if you have that opportunity and gift within you, amplify it. And this man has it in spades.

And so I get very frustrated with him that he's not amplifying, that he's not turning his light up, that he's not going for more. He's frankly playing too small. So we did a call with his team and him, and it was really hard on him in front of his team, which, you know, I do things like this, I've always done things like this from a leadership perspective to rattle people. Because I believe if you soft-shoe people too much, they're not going to be motivated to get better. They're not going to knock their head a little bit and say, whew, I needed that. Okay, let me wake back up from this and try something different. But if I soft-shoe it and am too, you know, gentle and nothing's going to change. So some people can handle that. Some people can. And I get it. It's very, I'm not always the

easiest person to work with because of that reason I can be tough on people I care about, especially when I care a lot about somebody. I can be really tough on them because I expect so much more and I see so much greatness within them. So think about that the next time someone's tough on you. They might be doing it because they care so deeply about you and see so much greatness within you. Okay. So again, I did this call. I was really, really tough on him. And it had been bothering me all week because he's such a kind and wonderful person. But I knew I've got to just let it sit with him. And when, you know, I can't, if I go running back and apologize or say, you know, I shouldn't have been so top on you. I basically waste all what I did,

right, that half an hour, hour, whatever it was, I waste that because I just pull the plug on it. So I say to myself, this is how I was coaching myself this week. I'm not going and apologizing to him. I'm not going and saying, how are you doing? I was really hard on you. I'm letting him sit with it. He's got to sit with it, right? He'll come to me when he's ready. And if he's upset, I'll explain to him, you know, why I did what I did and how, you know, I care about him and think so highly of him. Okay. So I was in church today and our pastor started explaining. I'm going to read just a note that I took.

Okay, he said, how about in life when we get constructive criticism for people, we respond like this. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for correcting me. And thank you for making me better. And he explained that he said, I know it's not always easy to take constructive criticism. I know it's not always easy to be understanding and to hear without anger or emotion or judgment. He said, but why don't we instead say thank you for loving me, thank you for correcting me, and thank you for making me better.

Why not try? And he went on this whole topic around, it's so easy for all of us to judge somebody else and judge their actions. when what we're judging in ourselves is our intent. We never know what the intent is in somebody else, right? So to stop judging people's actions and comparing it to our intentions because we're always going to look so much better and instead be willing to receive. And again, the key differentiator here is it's constructive criticism,

constructive feedback. It's somebody who's not only your cheerleader, but your champion. And I want to differentiate on that in that we all need cheerleaders. You know my book, Overcome Your Villains. I am all about firing the negative people in your life all day long. Don't let them take up space in your life. Bye-bye. Get them out of here.

However, it's amazing to have cheerleaders, and we all need them, and I have mine on speed dial that I mean my one girlfriend, Samantha, is without a doubt my number one cheerleader. Well, there's a couple of them, but she's definitely one of them. And when I need words of encouragement, love and support, I'm speed dialing her, and she just gives it to me tenfold. That's what she always, she's amazing at it. However, she's not going to be the one that's going to get me to leap and go do something massively big and scary, right? My champions will do that, the ones that say, I'm not letting you get out of this that easy kid. You can do bigger. You can go for more. You can push yourself. I've seen you through it. And you know what? I'm going

to hold you accountable to it, which is really what I did to my friend this week, right? I wasn't his cheerleader so much this week. I was his champion, which means I'm pushing him. to really go for more. So make sure you have both of those people in your corner, your cheerleaders for the day you need someone picking you up and your champions for pushing you into what you know you really need because you are destined for more. And now is not the time to give up on you or on the world. Okay. So that was my message. That was one of my messages from Church Day. Okay, then one of my talks that I gave this week, I got a DM from someone right after. And usually when I receive these. I think it's super important to get back to people. So I want to share with you this question

that I got and then offer some feedback. Okay, I just saw your speech. You're an amazing speaker. Thank you. I have a quick question. I work for a male supervisor and he always pings me through different chats, just pings, like instead of, you know, using email or whatever. I do a lot of volunteering tasks so the team can, you know, get everything done. I am in a certain role. I'm not in a support role. So she's saying basically, she's being treated like an assistant or an admin, but that's not her role. She's a very clearly defined role, which is something very different than this. So basically, her supervisor is leaning on her not only for her full-time job, but adding admin-type assistant duties. Listen, P.S., people will treat you the way you teach

them to. And this has happened to me before. I used to be the go-to person to dump everything on when I was in corporate America because I would allow it. I'd welcome it. I'd be like, Oh, heck yeah, I can get that done. Of course I will. Yes, yes, yes, was always my answer. Eh, wrong answer. Okay. So she goes on to say it's somewhat demeaning, but he doesn't have an admin currently. So I get it. He needs some help, but why me? You know, he doesn't ask anyone else to take on this work just me. And the minute he sees me at my desk, he just starts pinging me asking for her to do these things. How would you approach this? Okay. So number one, You are teaching people how to treat you.

Own it. Take responsibility for it. Okay? So that's number one. Number two, have a direct conversation with somebody. So often, people don't even know what they're doing because they're moving 900 miles an hour. Maybe they have a sick child at home. Maybe they're going through divorce.

I don't know what's going on in their life, right? They've got their life going on. That's what's running through their head 900 miles an hour. And they just might not even be cognizant or aware that they're leaning on you like this. So that's on you to show up in a very cool and calm way and respond and ask for what you need. So in a situation like that, if I was in this woman's situation, I would ask for a meeting, right? I wouldn't just ping. I would send an email and say, hey, be great.

If you and I could, I'd like to get 30 minutes of your time this week. I need your help with something. Can you and I schedule an in-person one-on-one meeting, right? I'd ask for what I need. I'd get the meeting. I would sit in front of that person and I would ask for feedback on, you know, the job that I do, right? I'd come from a very professional standpoint. And then I would say, you know, I appreciate your feedback.

I'm grateful to hear that this, this, or this is going well. However, I need your help with something. My role and duties are X, like whatever, you know, whatever it is. And this is essentially what I understood my role to be when I. I joined your team. Is that correct? Yes, that's correct. Okay.

All right. So, like, find that common ground that we do agree on what my role is, what my job is, and how I'm supposed to be evaluated and what I'm supposed to get done. I try to help out whenever I can. However, I am, you know, somewhat overwhelmed with all of the duties I have now that you've been asking me to do. And I itemize them, A, B, C, and D, right? Because sometimes people don't even know that they're doing it.

So I would say, you know, you've been asking me to do these tasks, which when I have free time. I'm happy to help anybody in any way I can. I'm a team player. However, I don't have the free time right now. I'm at capacity with my current role, current responsibilities. Can you and I brainstorm another person on the team that might be able to make this happen or how we can potentially, you know, hand this off to somebody else? Or do you think that it makes sense to hire for a position for someone to come on? Because it seems like a lot of us need the support, myself included, wanted to brainstorm some solutions with you today. So I would ask for their help,

either help me understand whose job this is, or can you help me figure out who we can delegate this to, just asking for guidance and help as a supervisor, as a leader. It doesn't need to be combative. Now, let's say that person comes back and says, well, you know we don't have the budget to hire right now. You know we don't have a person on team that can do it. I so appreciate you doing it.

Please just keep doing it. Then you've got to reiterate. I don't have the bandwidth or capacity to do that. And I know that I'm here to do my role. What other options can we brainstorm or come up? Like, I would just keep going back to it. No, that's not going to happen, right? You don't have to apologize for it.

You just need to keep asking for help and keep asking for, you know, solutions. And at the end of the day, if it is an issue with the supervisor, then you're going to have to, you know, potentially go to HR or something else. because you have a clearly defined role. You are hired in a certain position. If this supervisor is mandating you do things that, you know, you were not hired for, at some point, you're going to have to go over that person's head if they will not be part of the solution with you. And I'm hopeful that the person would be that they probably just didn't even know they were doing it.

That's, I would assume 90% of people would be, oh, yeah, you're right. Okay. No, that isn't fair. No, thank you for bringing this to my attention, you know. But there are going to be some villains out there that are just to say, no, you either get this stuff. done or I don't want it in my team. Well, then that's not the person you should be working for, right? You need to work for someone that is not only a cheerleader, but also a champion for you, someone who wants to stretch you to grow, but also encourage you and not treat you differently

than everybody else on the team. But it's up to you to stand up for yourself and ask for what you need in a very calm fashion. Practice before you go in if you're nervous. Channel a different person. You know, Beyonce channels her inner Sasha fierce when she takes a stage. M&M channels a different persona. When he takes a stage, people do what they need to do in stressful, scary moments to get themselves over that hump. Channel me if you need to channel somebody, right? Channel somebody, your inner H to the M. Whatever you need to do to get yourself over that hump, you've got to start showing up for you. When I have those big, difficult moments, I wear my power color, I put my favorite perfume on, I do my hair, like for me, that's something

that makes me feel confident. I write notes on the bottom of my shoe. I can and I I will. I practice things over and over again ad nauseum. I jot things down in writing because I'm 90% more likely to remember them if I write them. I do the work before I go in for a difficult conversation, so it goes much better than I anticipate. Now she went on to say, hey, I'd also like to add, with volunteering, this director always applauds a younger guy and they invest time in training him. I feel as if I'm invisible and I do the same work. How do you change this? Okay, so again, you are teaching people how to treat you. So the next time, okay, deal with one problem at a time, and they're somewhat connected, and I understand that, but take that first one on first. That's the

bigger issue. Then, once you've done that, or even at the latter part of that conversation, you could add on, I'm really interested in getting trained and growing and getting to that next level. What does training look like with you and how can we start incorporating that into our schedule moving forward? that could be that simple, or the next time you see that supervisor training that other person, jump up, raise your hand and say, hey, is there any way that I could get in on this conversation? I would love to learn to. I would so appreciate it. Ask for what you need. Ask for what you want. We just assume people know everything that we want and that we can sit silently and suffer and someone's going to come running over and tell us, oh, let me figure that out for you.

And I bet you're upset. No one's going to know unless we raise our our hand and let it be known. And even then, we might have to ask multiple times. People are busy, people are focused on themselves, and people gravitate towards people that they know like and trust, right? It's just a fact of life. It might not be this negative intent. Now, there are situations where it could be. You could be getting treated differently because you're a woman. That means you need to get out that person's team, right? That means you need to go to somebody else and find a different space for yourself. Might be at that same company. It might not. I don't know. But at least go in with the attitude first that, oh, you know what? I bet this person doesn't know they're doing it.

I haven't raised my hand and let them know. So that's what I'm going to do today. Right. That's the first best thing. Treat other people, golden rule, the way you'd want to be treated, right? Maybe you're the supervisor and someone, you know, says, gosh, that person's never helping me out and they're always dishing things off on me. But you didn't know. Wouldn't you rather have them raise the hand and say, hey, did you know this is going on? Of course you would. Right. And it was funny at one of my talks this week, we were doing live Q&A. And someone said, we were talking about my book, Overcome Your Villains. And someone said, hey, Heather, when you were in corporate America, were you ever somebody's villain? And I said, of course I was. I'm sure. You know,

I'm sure right now I'm probably the villain of that woman that fired me. I would imagine she probably thinks I'm a villain. Right. Again, I go back to villains don't have to be bad people. They just might not be helpful in your world at that point in time, right? They might not be adding big value to you. So I gave the example of this. You never know what other people are, you know, thinking or saying necessarily, because not everyone's going to raise their hand and speak up.

But the company that I used to work for did not have a maternity policy. And I am not big into when you're a leader, if you're not having, happy with policy within the company and you fight to change it and can't get it changed, at the end of the day, you still have to own it because you work for that company. You can't come to the team and say, well, this is what the company policy is. I totally disagree with it. It's BS. They are awful people.

I fought them. But you can't, you're going to lose a trust of that organization. You can't do that. Whether you agree or disagree, you have to, in a factual manner in the best way possible, lay out what the situations are. So I never blamed anyone when I would, when someone would get pregnant and they'd come to me and I'd say, well, you can take Family Leave Act, which stinks. I wouldn't say it stinks. I would just say, here's your options. And I would leave it at that, very factual. It would not get emotional and I would not defend or, you know, apologize for it. It just is what it is. It was policy. They could also go speak to HR or the GC or whoever, right? And then I would give, I'd open that door and extend that opportunity to them. Well, wouldn't you know, Okay, I had a baby, obviously. I did not get maternity leave. Ten days after I gave birth, I had a C-section.

My old CEO had me on a plane going to deliver a keynote for him. It was a disaster, but I went. So here's a thing, unbeknownst to me, a woman that had worked for me for years, who I loved, she was an amazing talent, incredible salesperson. She gets pregnant. She ends up resigning. I don't see her again. And years later, I had told the story of how I gave. a speech 10 days after getting my C-section and flying to North Carolina to give the speech for my

old boss. And I got a DM from her. And it said, oh my gosh, I just saw what you shared on social media and I'm mortified. I've hated you, Heather, for years. And it went on to say, I always assumed you created the policy that women should not get maternity leave. What? She said, because you never told us that somebody else had. So I just thought you did. And I blamed you because I didn't want to, you know, leave working for you and blah, blah, blah. And I felt really bad about it, whatever it was. So bottom line is I had been this woman's villain for years, unbeknownst to me for something that I hadn't done.

I was a messenger on. I hadn't created it. And it took her seeing, you know, what had happened with my pregnancy and birth of my son. and the challenges I went through for her to understand, I really hadn't been her villain. So it just all goes back to communication and just this understanding that the better that we can communicate, the better we can show up as a powerful version of ourselves, the more we can create boundaries, the more we can say no when things aren't the right fit and know our value and worth, that if this isn't the right place for me, if I'm not being treated correctly, there's plenty of

other places I can go and other things I can do. You know, lead with that confidence in yourself and watch things. unfold in such a better way for you. So I hope that feedback helped. I hope that there were some value in the show today that you can take into your week this week. I hope that you feel encouraged and you are taken on this week knowing you are going to go bigger. You are made for more and you got this. So until next week, keep creating your confidence. Please, if you like this episode, share, rate, review, leave me your review. I love reviews. And please share it on social media. Nobody succeeds in this world alone. And that includes me. Until next week, keep creating your confidence.