Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan - #276: The Best Two Reframes To Get You Out Of Your Rut Today! With Heather!

Episode Date: December 7, 2022

In This Episode You Will Learn About:  The importance of positive self talk  Avoiding regression   Giving yourself the grace to make mistakes  Resources: Overcome Your Villains is Available NOW! Order here: https://overcomeyourvillains.com  If you haven't yet, get my first book Confidence Creator Show Notes:  This week I was VERY taken aback. I had to remind myself, things get messy right before they get really GOOD! I want you to FIRE the negative voice inside your head, and start believing in yourself instead. Notice your behavior, and give yourself the grace to recognize it and change it WITHOUT being hard on yourself. We will all make mistakes sometimes, but that’s OKAY!

I'm on this journey with me. Each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals. We'll overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow. I'm ready for my close-up. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me this week. Okay, so I wanted to share a quick story about a woman that I do some coaching for. She's incredibly successful.

She is in corporate America. She's a senior vice president of one of the largest companies in the U.S. And rock star, complete and total rock star. But like most of us, you know, she has our moments where she needs someone to give her a hand and help pick her up. And she wants to run ideas against somebody else who's been in similar situations, which is super smart? I completely get it. Well, this week, I was very taken aback by a meeting that I had with her. She sent me a text message and said, hey, is there any chance we can meet this week?

We weren't supposed to meet this week. And I said, yeah, of course, you know, we'll find time. We got on the calendar. Found the time. And as soon as I got on the call with her, she says, this is so dumb. And she kept saying that, I know this is so dumb. But listen, hey, listen, this is really dumb. This, I don't know what's going on. I'm being so dumb. And before she could get anything else out of her mouth, I just stopped her and said, first of all, whatever it is, it's not dumb. You're not dumb. You're one of the most successful, smartest people I know. So let's fire that, right? the point that I want to make for you right now is sometimes we don't even notice how we're speaking

to ourselves or how we are labeling ourselves. And doing that puts us beneath others. Doing that is a major holdback. So this week, today, notice how are you speaking about yourself? What are the words that you're using about you to you and to others? And I talk about this a lot. We teach other people how to treat us. If you're running around through the world telling people you're dumb, they're going to believe it eventually, right? Maybe not right off the bat, but at some point in time, if you sell someone something long enough, they're probably going to buy it. So don't call yourself dumb. Call yourself things that you would like other people to emulate. Meaning, once I heard what her predicament was, it wasn't that she was being dumb. It was she was regressing to past behavior in her

life, right? So we all grow and change and evolve. We're not the same people we were when we're one year old as we are today. It's normal. It's evolution in our lives and growth in our life. And that's totally normal and expected. If you're not having growth in your life, you get a problem. So when you notice, hmm, I'm noticing that I'm behaving in a way that I used to behave when I was younger that didn't serve me. That's amazing. It's incredible self-awareness, being reflective, which is so mature and insightful, right? And it's noticing a regression to a past behavior that you had fired, terminated, and you no longer signed up for. And now you're saying, hey, I'm doing this again. This is temporary. I want to pause and I want to dig deep into this so that I can get it

out of my life again. So to me, though, there was nothing dumb about this situation. It was The opposite. It was incredibly intuitive and smart and reflective and I was so proud of her. Right. So I want you to feel that same kind of pride. If you have a moment today or this week where you notice a behavior that comes up that's something that you no longer subscribe to, give yourself the grace for a moment and say, hey, I recognize that isn't my best, but that's in my past. That's in my rear view. And I noticed it. I hit the brakes. I took a moment. I reset and I move forward in a better direction. That's growth. Right. So give yourself the praise. Give yourself the recognition instead of turning it into a beat up session, which will not help you. I will never forget

this. I was in therapy for so long in my, I think all of my 20s and 30s. And my therapist said to me, anytime that I'd beat myself up for making a bad decision or a bad choice, she'd always say to me, how's that panning out for you? How's that working out for you? Beating yourself up all the time. Does that help you? No. It never did. I felt worse the next day. I felt more upset the more I'd beat myself up. So I learned whether you need to take a picture of yourself when you're a small little baby or an adorable child and pull that out of your wallet and look at it and say,

do I want to beat this person up? Whatever you need to do to get yourself to hit the breaks and say, beating myself up is not helpful. It's not successful. I make mistakes all the time. I actually today, I was putting pressure on my son. I wanted to order some presents for him for Christmas. So I have something under the tree because he hasn't given me a list yet. And there's just not a lot of stuff in stores right now.

So you have to order things online. And so I don't feel comfortable waiting to the last minute. So he put some things in some carts and I just pulled the trigger and bought it. And later on today, he said, hey, you didn't pull the trigger on that stuff, right? I hadn't decided what I really wanted and I don't really want that stuff. And I thought, oh, my gosh, you've got to be kidding me. And I said, well, you know what, here's the thing. I'm doing the best I can.

In fact, I'm trying to accelerate things so I can have gifts here for you at the house. I did pull the trigger. And he was upset. He said, well, I don't think those are the things I want. And now you're wasting money. And right, he was trying to be helpful. I was getting a little frustrated. But then I just said, I gave us both grace. And I said, listen, we're not going to do everything perfectly all the time. That's okay. However, I'm coming from the right place in my heart that I want to have gifts for you under a Christmas tree, right? For Christmas. You're coming from the right place that you don't want to waste money. But, you know what we're both doing the best we can. So yes, I did pull the trigger. Yes, the stuff is on its way here now. And you know what, in the end, if you don't like it, we can always return it or exchange it or we can give it away as a gift to somebody else. So let's make the best of it. And let's recognize we're not always going to do everything perfectly. And that's perfectly okay. So I hope that message resonates with you today. I hope you can land it and use it in your life if you need it today or this week. Because I definitely have my moments where I need to. use it for me. And I love that idea of having that picture of little me and looking at that

picture and saying, I don't want to beat that little girl up. In fact, I want to take care of that little girl. Protect her. I want to elevate her. I want to cheer her on. So I'm going to speak to me that way today to make sure I'm doing those things for her. And I hope you're doing the same. Starting the year with a wardrobe refresh, Quince has you covered with luxe essentials that feel effortless and look polished. They're perfect for layering, mixing, and building a wardrobe that last. Their versatile styles make it easy to reach for them day after day. Quince has all the staples covered from soft Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like designer pieces without the markup to 100% silk tops and skirts for easy dressing up to perfectly cut denim for everyday wear.

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It was so sweet. And I also find it when people send me notes like this that maybe it will resonate with other people. So I just got a short DM on LinkedIn and it said, hey, Heather, it's amazing what you've overcome and where you are now. The reminder that it's not the end when it feels like it is is really helpful for me. So that whole idea, and I want to talk to you about this, about your life, and I know what she's talking about, is that in a moment, so for me, in the moment of I was getting fired, it totally felt like the end. I don't want to fool you and pretend it didn't. I was having panic attacks. I thought it was over. I had a non-compete, non-solicit. I could not go back to the industry I had expertise in for 18 months. I didn't know how I was going to make money. I'm a single

mom. I have mortgage. I have bills coming out my ears, right? I have a big life. And I was shocked. I had been fired. I truly thought for a window of time that it was over. It was the end. And probably for about 24 hours, I felt that way. I was under a weighted blanket. I was freaking out, bawling my eyes out. And when I eventually came to, that's when I posted, hey, I've just been fired. If I've ever done anything to help you, I need to hear from you now. And that post went viral.

Landed me in the Elvis Durant show, which is where I discovered I was writing a book, which is what led me to Confidence Creator, my first book, which killed it on Amazon, number one on Amazon the first week it came out. And very recently named to the top business books for women by Ford, right there. It's done so incredibly well. And that initiative, writing that book is what opened the door for me to become top 50 keynote speaker in 2022, give my first TEDx talk, land my board seat, launch my consulting business, launch my podcast, which right now is number 25 on the top business podcast in the U.S. on the Apple podcast chart. So all these things were unknown

to me. I had no idea. I had to move from, this is the the end of my story. My story is over. I feel like everything's over. I feel like everything's been taken away from me. I had to move from that to this is a redirection. This is the middle of my story. I have no idea where I'm going, but I'm going to accept that, no, it is not over. It is far from over. In fact, I just don't know where I'm going next, but I'm turning the page on the middle of the story, and I'm about to see what's going to happen next. So I start. I started stepping forward in faith, like this whole idea of I can't see what's next. I don't know where to go.

It's not well lit. There was no linear path. But having this faith that there's something larger out there guiding me, that there's something larger out there, that something bigger is meant for me, and I just don't know what that means exactly yet. And stepping out into the unknown at first can be incredibly scary because you think you're going to fall and you think you're going to fail and you think it could be all over and what if it is the end? But what if it's not? What if it's just the middle? You know,

and look back in your life, there are moments of time. Like for me, when getting divorced was another big moment, right? Oh my gosh, is this it? Is it over? Am I never going to find love again? Am I never going to be married again? Right. What does this mean? Is it all done for me? And it turns out, no, it wasn't, right? These are moments in time. They are not the end. they are the middle, the messy middle. And the messy middle can seem so uncomfortable, but can give you the greatest gifts that you never even knew were out there for you. Maybe the reason why you haven't been getting the things you wanted is you deserved so much better. But you had to let go of that mediocre. You had to let go of that average so that you could grab the grate. And in order to

grab that grate, you have to let go. And so for me, whether it was my, marriage or it was getting fired and being unhappy in a job, the key was letting go of what wasn't working so you could start stepping into that unknown, that messy middle to figure out what you're really meant for. And I know it's not always easy. I'm living it. I'm living proof, right? I promise you it's not always easy, but it is worth it.

And I just believe that God has you here for a reason and it's something big and meaningful and so important. And it's our job and right to find out what that is. And in order to do that, no one's handing us that gift or handing us that answer. It's up to us to step into the darkness, to step into the unknown to start figuring it out. And it truly does start taking shape. But you will only know these things when you look back. You can't know them looking forward, right? I can't tell you how many different partnerships and business plans and business proposals I've worked on for different product lines. It's ridiculous. Many of them, most of them have not worked out. But my first two

books worked out amazing. This podcast, the one you're listening to right now, has worked out amazing. My board seat has worked out amazing. There's been so many things that have worked out incredibly that I didn't know we're going to happen. And that's what gives me further faith to keep moving forward in the unknown, keep stepping into the uncertainty. So start leveraging your past, those moments from your past where you say, oh yeah, I got divorced too. And it turned out it was the greatest thing ever happened for me because I met my new husband or, you know, I started to really love myself or whatever it is for you. Write those things down and use those as the bedrock and foundation for you to step forward and have more faith that there is greater ahead for you,

whether you're struggling right now or things are going well, right? You've got to find a way to start building that momentum to keep propelling you forward. And when times are tough and things are uncertain, it can be trickier. It can be more challenging. And those are the moments that you need to look back and say, wait a minute, this is familiar to me. It's so familiar. For me, you know, I look at getting divorced.

I look at getting fired. I look at when the pandemic hit, right? because my speaking business had blown up and I was killing it, and overnight it disappeared. But I said to myself, wait a minute, I've seen this movie before. It's like these other times. I've got to start stepping into the uncertainty. Done is going to be better than perfect. I've got to take messy action and see where this leads me. I've got to have faith that there's something meant for me out there. I just don't know what it is yet. So today, tomorrow, this week, I'm asking you to give that same sentiment to your life, whatever it is.

And I don't know if you just lost a job. I don't know if you're afraid to take the risk to start your own thing. Whatever it may be, start taking messy action. Don't expect to have all the answers. You will never be perfectly ready and the climate will never be perfect. But I know that when I look back on my life, at the end of my life, when I'm 999 years old, no, whatever age I'm going to be. But at the end of my life, I can always look back and say, I'm the one that took messy action.

I'm the one that has the books out there. I'm the one that took that leap of faith, not knowing what was going to happen, whether I would sell one book or one million. I had no idea, but I knew if it could serve and help one person, then I had done my job. So take that pressure off of you, take the risk on you, and listen to the one voice that matters so, so much, and that's your own. And you have these answers inside of you. I promise you that you do. When I stopped asking everybody else what they thought I should do, that's the same. that's when I started figuring out what I was meant to do. And that's a really powerful moment.

Okay, so you're in the middle of your story. And yes, I get what it seems like it. And I liken this to when I was in corporate America when I had quote unquote made it, right? I'd made it to the C-suite. I was making a ton of money. I had multiple assistants. I had teams, multiple teams I was responsible for. But my main department was sales and I had over a thousand people in that department. So I had so much support. so much around resources, and I had so much expertise and my network was so big because I had been in the industry for almost 25 years at that time. I wasn't, it didn't feel like I was in the middle anymore. It felt like I was at the top, right? And here's what's interesting about that versus right now, because I'm so in the middle right now. I don't have, you know, 25 years expertise,

podcast host or author or any of these things, right? I'm still a rookie. I'm only a few years in. And it's so interesting because now when I look back, I remember when I felt like I had made it to the top, there was a certain level of, yes, there's a certain level of you know how much money's coming in every month. Like you know what's it. Like there's benefits, right? I'm not going to lie about that. But there's much less excitement, right? Because there's very little unknown. I could forecast everything. I knew what trends were taking place quarters before they started to have. I could see things happening because I had so much experience. doing it. Now, as a rookie, I don't have that expertise. So it is exciting because incredible things happen all the time and they're unexpected because I just don't have the knowledge that I had, I used to have. So start seeing being in the middle of your story as a blessing and a gift and it truly will become one. And that's why I am so excited to get up every day. I am living my life's purpose. I'm doing my life's work. I am helping to make the world a better place. And I hope in some small way I can do that for you. I hope to show up every day and try to bring positivity and

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And it's a lot more fun to be excited and joyful every day than to be in the grind and feel like, huh, so this is it. And I remember I had that feeling. So if you're having that feeling right now, why not turn the page and get to the middle of your story, the messy middle? So you can start taking chances. You can start figuring out that you are meant for more. and you'll start seeing where that leads you and what that actually looks like.

Another way that I can frame this up is when I first got into sales and I was, I don't know, 21 or whatever, my first sales job at the Gallo winery, I remember I would tell people when I first started, I'm going to be the number one salesperson here this year. It was like 99 men and two women. I was one of the two women. I'm not kidding. That's fact. And I would tell people, and I was 21 at most people, like,

in their 40s, probably my age right now, had so much more experience than I did. But one thing I saw about them was they were set in their ways and they were complacent, not all of them, but most of them. They saw things through one lens, one way to do it. And I remember coming in there and saying, I'm going to see this so differently. Number one, I remember saying, I will outwork everybody here. I had this conversation in my head. I can work harder than anyone here. Number two, I'm a woman, which makes me different. I'm going to see things differently from the word go just because I was born different from these people. I have different strengths than they do. I'm going to find a different and better way to do it. And I didn't know what that was yet. And yet is the operative word here.

And this is what I want to think about. I want you to think about maybe you're in the medical business. And when you first started off, you didn't know all the answers yet, but you had faith that you would figure it out along the way. And now you have. And apply that same reasoning and rationale to whatever that messy middle of your story is now. Right? So for me, when I first wrote Confidence Creator, I remember thinking, I have no idea what I'm doing. I am a total rookie novice author. Can I even call myself an author?

Is that even legal? And I had to dial it down a little bit and say, wait a minute, I don't know what I'm doing yet. This is my first book. But there's a really good chance there could be more. And as I step forward in the unknown, I'll start to figure it out, just like I did. when I was a first-time sales rep at the gala winery, and I would make these claims that I was going to be the number one salesperson of the year. And guess what? I was. And I'll tell you, I didn't know yet what I didn't know, but stepping into that messy unknown, turning that page,

not knowing what was going to happen, being willing to double down and take chances on me and doing things differently is what allowed me to find success so quickly in that organization. And now I'm retraining myself to say, I don't know what it's like to be a New York Times bestselling author yet, but I will. And I have all the faith in the world that I will. I haven't figured out what that looks like yet, but I figured out these other things, which leads me to believe I'll figure these out too. And that's the reasoning that I'm hoping you use today and this week and this month and through the end of this year and launching into 2023 is, you don't have to have all the expertise in the world. You don't have to be the one with all the

degrees. You can be the one in said, says, I haven't figured it out yet, but I have faith that I will because I figured out all these other things too. So use that past information as knowledge to propel you forward and gain momentum and build more momentum for you to take off. Yet is such a powerful word. So whether it was launching my podcast, my speaking career, my TED, whatever, I was a rookie at all these things, but I don't let being a rookie stop me, even though it felt incredibly uncomfortable, and I don't want to minimize that, right? Because listen, it still does. I still don't know millions of things that I'm sure I'm doing incorrectly because I just don't have the knowledge yet. There's that word again. I don't have it yet.

But I keep taking messy action. I keep showing up. I keep asking for help. I keep doing the research. I keep reading the books. I keep accessing other people's content and researching things. to try to find out what is that missing piece that I haven't discovered yet that's going to completely explode my business. And yes, I know on the outside looking in, people will often say, your podcast is top 25 on the business podcast on Apple Podcasts. That's incredible. You're killing it. Your books are bestsellers. You were named Top 50 keynote speaker of the year. You know, there's a lot of good on the outside, but living it on the inside, I still haven't made it yet. Right? So I know what it actually feels like to make it because I did that back in corporate

America and I haven't made it here yet. And it was funny. I was watching an interview on the news the other day. It was Alicia Keys and people were showing her pictures of her earlier in her career. And one of the pictures, she said, oh my gosh, I love that photo. And they said, why? And she said, I didn't know if I had quite made it yet. She said, and I can see that look in my eye. I was still so uncertain, but I was so hopeful. And I feel like that's where I am. right now, and maybe you're right there too. And if you are, that is incredibly exciting and powerful. And I remember other times in my life when I felt that way, and I know how that movie played out. And you know what? I'm starting to really embrace the moment of living in the yet, the moment of

living in the middle of the story. And for a long time, I didn't like that part. I remember Gary Vee saying to me when I was a guest on his show, the Gary V. Audio Exchange, that he said, you know, the journey is the whole thing, Heather, this is what's meant to be celebrated. And yeah, listen, I can, I get it, but I'm also not going to lie in corporate America when I was on the journey. It was hard, right? Being a salesperson and in the grind is really difficult when you don't have the network yet. You don't have the expertise yet. But once I did, it got a lot easier. So I had a hard time as an entrepreneur or an author or podcast or whatever, because I hadn't made it yet.

And listening to someone who had made it, tell me, this is the journey, this is what it's all about. It can be frustrating to hear that. So if you're in that moment, I totally feel you. I get you and I empathize with you. But the more we can realize we're just not there yet, we're in the middle currently, but we're going to keep turning those pages, we're going to keep taking the messy action, and we're going to keep having faith that we will get to exactly where we're meant to be.

And that much I do know, I do have all the faith in the world that we will find out what that is supposed to look like and that that best is yet to come. I'm for sure it's out there for you and it's out there for me. Keep taking messy action towards it. Keep the faith. Until next week, if you like this episode, share it, tag me, leave me a review. All of this stuff helps so much. And you can share the show with one friend. It would mean the world to me. No one succeeds alone. And that includes your girl. Until next week, keep creating your confidence. You know I will be.