Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan - #292: The Key To Disagreeing Without Being Disagreeable, With Heather!

Episode Date: February 1, 2023

In This Episode You Will Learn About:  The secret hack to diffusing any disagreement  Why using “I” statements takes the focus off of the other person How to avoid being dismissive of the other person’s perspective and feelings  The power of common ground and curiosity  Resources: Overcome Your Villains is Available NOW! Order here: https://overcomeyourvillains.com  If you haven't yet, get my first book Confidence Creator Show Notes:  How do the people around you make you feel? When we don’t have supportive people around us cheering us on, it can bring us down or take us off of the path we’re meant to be on! So, don’t let other people have power over you or your dreams, and start going after what you want. When nobody else believes in you, you gotta be your own #1 fan and remind yourself of all you’ve already accomplished! Start focusing on how far you’ve come! 

Come on this journey with me. Each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals. We'll overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow. I'm ready for my close-up. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me this week. Okay, so I have a couple questions I wanted to answer first, and then I want to get into the topic, which actually this came to me from a listener of the podcast and someone who had listened to a

recent podcast of mine, and they asked me a question around how can you disagree with people and not upset them? You know, how can you have a disagreement and still allow things to remain peaceful and calm and non-confrontational? And so I promise, I'd love that question. I thought that was a good concept for this episode to kind of get into. I have a couple of specific examples that I want to go through with you to share how I've done it successfully. I mean, There's plenty of times I have not, right? But when you allow someone else to upset you, you give them power over you. And so it's all about, you know, really remaining in your power, staying calm, confident, poised, you know, being your best you. All right. So we're going to get

into that in a minute. But first, I wanted to answer two questions that came in. Hello, Heather. Oh, this came in through LinkedIn DM. I'm an admirer. Thank you. And inspired from far away. I have a question. How do you push through? You know at the beginning stage. is everyone is delighted for you and pushing you on. Pause for a minute. That was not my case, by the way. So that's good that that's your case. Okay, I'm going to keep reading. Then you get to this midstage where those same people can see and hear things are different and beginning to change for you. Now they're no longer your supporter. They're the ones who want to trip you up before you get too big for your boots. I don't understand it really. It disappoints me because I believe

I support everyone to my fullest. Now, we are all humans and sometimes I throw the mud too. And I also find ways to excuse and support my behavior. And then I have these times where my self-awareness kicks in and asks, do you have a superiority complex? Honestly, I really believe in me. I know I'm absolutely on the cusp of brilliance. I don't want to dim my light, but I'm finding it extremely hard to trust people and not isolate myself. I would love your opinion and how you've navigated tough times like these. Okay, so first of all, as I just mentioned, when I first started out on my own, I did not have a lot of people cheering me on, right? I had just left an industry that I had been in for 25 plus years. Everyone was telling me I was crazy to be getting out of it and that I should

just sit out my non-compete and get right back into what I'd always done. So I didn't have a lot of champions at the beginning, right? And then the other thing is when I was writing my first book confidence creator, which I did right after I got fired, I didn't tell a lot of people about it, because I didn't want to hear the naysayers. I knew mentally I was so fragile, right? I was second guessing myself, like, I'm not an author. Who am I kidding? P.S. I am a two-time best-selling author sitting in front of you today. What? So hopefully that just reassures you that anything is possible, right? We are the only ones that can give ourselves the permission to do it and go for it, or pull the rug out from under ourselves and hold ourselves back from our potential.

So I'm so grateful I leaned into the uncertainty. I'm so grateful I leaned into the fear and took that chance and wrote that first book. So I guess first and foremost, until things are really solid, you don't want to tell that many people. This is just my opinion. I mean, you do you and do what works for you. Obviously take from the show what works for you and resonates with you. But if it doesn't resonate with you, you know, and you feel really. good about your inner circle and telling them that, I mean, you got to do what works for you.

I just knew so many people were going to tell me I was crazy because I was even thinking I was crazy, right? So that's, first and foremost. The other thing is, you know, we never know what's going on in someone else's life. Like, we can't put too much weight on other people's opinions or responses or how they're changing or, you know, supporting us differently than they used to. Here's the thing, and this is a real life example. I hadn't talked to a really good friend of mine. I mean, we had talked on text, but not on the phone, and over a month, and it was kind of freaking me out because we've never were closer than that.

So I started developing a story in my head about what could have been going on with him and why maybe he was mad at me and maybe he didn't want to be as good of friends anymore. And I finally just sent him a very direct text message and said, hey, we need to speak. I haven't spoken to you. And when we got on the phone, I heard about all of the challenges. in his life, had nothing to do with me. And I felt so badly that I had been not there to support him because I just wasn't aware. I didn't know. So so often, you know, we think that silence means people are against us or someone being really short and not supportive in a text message

means they're, you know, after us and they want us to fail. But so often that's not the case. So often it's that they've got stuff going on in their own life and they don't have time. or they're consumed with the negativity and in the window of time that they're operating in, right? We just don't know. So it's impossible to give other people a power over you. You just can't do it, right? And I understand that's easier said than done because we wish it wasn't like that.

But we can't sit around and give all our power away. We can't sit around and make things contingent upon others supporting us. You need to be your number one cheerleader. This is exactly why I created my product, my soul sayings products, which if you haven't seen it yet, it's so cool. It's reminders that go on your shoes so that in those low moments you look down and remind yourself, oh yeah, I can't and I will. Oh yeah, I am capable of this.

Oh yeah, I'm doing this regardless of what anyone else thinks, right? We need those reminders. So here's a few things. And if you haven't read my book, Overcome Your Villains yet, it's all about sometimes there's sneaky villains in your life. Maybe they never really were your supporter, right? but you didn't see it until now. So those are the people you need to fire, right?

If they legitimately are not your supporter. But then there's situations like the one I just described with my friend. I thought he was mad at me or, you know, not supporting me. The reality is he's in a horrible situation and I should have been there supporting him. But I didn't know he needed me. And I created a fake story in my mind because I hadn't heard from him. That is an epic fail, right? So don't do that.

It's about, you know, figuring out what's really going on in these situations. oftentimes you're going to find out, yeah, there are people out there that aren't your biggest supporters, and it's time to cut them. Sometimes you're going to find out it's family members. I write in my first book, Confidence Creator, a whole chapter about this of going through the situation with my mother where she did not support my divorce at all. And I did. I had total clarity. I needed to get a divorce, and I was right. But every time I would talk to her and she would try to talk me back into staying married, I would feel badly about myself.

And I finally, I mean, read the whole chapter and confidence creator to hear the whole story about creating boundaries. But at the end of the day, I ultimately told her I wasn't going to be able to speak to her for a little while if she was going to consistently bring this up. It didn't leave me feeling good or supported. And I would have to take a step away from our conversations for a while. And I did just that, right? I had to protect myself during that time until I felt stronger and didn't need the support, which eventually, you know, things changed. I got divorced. I felt fine.

I was happy, and then it was fine. I didn't mind if she wanted to bring something up because it was comical to me at that point. Like, hey, this ship has sailed and it is in Guam. It's over. We're not going to talk about anymore. It's a wrap. So then it was easy for me not to have her support on that, right? Things change over time.

The reality is, though, you can't control other people. You can't make people excited for you or want to support you. And you can't, you know, make your decisions in business and your life based upon what other people think. You will always regret that, and you will always blame them if you do, and it doesn't go well, right? So the most important thing is listen to the one voice and opinion that counts. That's yours. Journal. So you can get some alone time with your thoughts and figure out what you're thinking.

Remind yourself of other times you've overcome adversity and accomplish things to pump yourself back up. Give yourself a pep talk. Step out of your body. I do this all the time and say, Heather, whoa, you got this. You are not going to let self-doubt come into your life. Exhale, self-doubt, inhale confidence. Let's go, girlfriend. You got this. Let's think about three other times that you went and crushed it, right? And I start, I talk myself into things. And you can do that too. I have a pump myself a playlist I listen to anytime I need encouragement. I unfollow people on social media that are not positive impacts on me, right? That's about me. It's not about them. But I just say, ooh, I don't feel good when I look at your stuff. Unfollow, you know, see you later. These are. These are you. are really simple steps you can take to support yourself because ultimately you won't let you down and you can control the way that you think, right? And the way that you think dictates the way that you

feel and the way that you feel dictates the actions that you take or don't take, right? So set yourself up for success by relying on you. Now, is it great to have connection and people who are on your team? Absolutely. I mean, you're not always going to have it when I started out. My business, I really didn't have, you know, really anyone. I don't even remember. I don't know that I had any major champions at that point in time. I was my major champion. And that determination came through loud and clear to me back then. And it can for you too. But over time, you know, I developed an arsenal of support. Part of it was for asking, you know, letting people know, hey, this is really hard. I'm going through a really hard time. I need your help. Asking for help from people who I know love me and

telling them what I need. Listen, I need you to support. support me on this. I need to hear your encouragement. I'm going through a tough time. And it's funny, actually, my guy friend that I was just sharing, you know, who is going through a tough time, he supported me so many times during a difficult time. So you'll start to identify who are those people, your go-to people that you need to keep on speed dial. And I'm so blessed to have a number of people like that in my life now. But I let them know, hey, I really need you right now. I need your support. Here's what's going on. Right. So be really intentional about the people that you are letting into your inner circle, get rid of the people who really aren't on your team and never

really were, unfollow the people that don't, you know, leave you feeling good about yourself, create boundaries for the people who just really aren't in the right headspace right now to cheer you on and be your number one cheerleader and give yourself reminders everywhere, like my soul saying is, right? There's so many different ways to do this. So that's really the way that lower your expectations of others, right? Nobody's going to be you and know everything that you know and know how you want to be spoken to. and then you've got to communicate better too.

If they are great people that, you know, are on your team, explain to them what you need and ask for their help. And if they don't do that, they're probably not really on your team or they're not capable at this point in time and you might need to take a step back. So that's my best advice there. If your anxiety, depression, or ADHD are more than a rough patch, you don't need just another meditation app.

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slash confidence-free and start building something amazing. Get more with Northwest Registered Agent at www. northwest registered agent.com slash confidence-free. So next question, this is so funny. Every once in a while, actually for the past couple weeks

I've been getting messages from people who I have not seen in so long and it's so cool and it makes me super happy. So just so everyone knows, I love hearing your messages. I love your encouragement. It means the world to me. Never think. And today, at some point, reach out to someone that lifts you up that encourages you and just thank them. Right. It's like allow that domino effect to occur that they paid it forward to you and supported you at some point in time. Give it right back. Give that love right back to them because then they're going to pour it right back into the world. It just takes a minute, but it makes people feel really special. Okay. I got a message.

actually today from someone I haven't seen since high school. It's so crazy. Okay, hey Heather, I just want to say hi and inquire about your success. I'm not surprised by your success at all. You definitely seem like a celebrity even at a young age. That's hilarious and so cute. Me and my family need some help. We both have good jobs, but everything is stale and we want more. I know you're really busy and I doubt you'll have a chance to get back to me. I'm interested to hear about your journey. I hope all as well. It's so good to see old friends who are doing well. Okay, thank you for this nice note. This makes me so happy. All right. So really at the crux of this, it says, me and my family need help, which is awesome. You're asking for help, right?

Which I totally applaud. I'm here for and I want to help anyone that needs help. We both have good jobs, but everything is stale and we want more. And I get that. Okay, the first thing that I'm to say when I hear from someone, things are stale or like flat or boring. You got to take some risk, boy, you've got to start stepping into the unknown. And I know that's uncomfortable. But that's how you create change, right? You need to start developing yourself and growing, investing in yourself. And I know people are going to say, well, right now is not the time to spend money. Listen, don't give me the excuses. You can either come up with excuses or you can come up with solutions on how you want to get there. I'm going to share with you some ways to get

there. It's up to you if you want to find the solutions. But I promise you this. If you really want to get there, if you really want to get out of stuck, you want to get out of stale, there's ways to do it. It's going to be scary. it's not going to be comfortable, but it's going to be worth it. Right? So I would really, and say you're doing this with your spouse, right? And I'm just creating this like fake story, but like say that you're doing this with your spouse. Sit down and plot out.

Like what does success look like to us? What is it? What's stale about things right now? Is that we don't like our jobs, that we haven't gotten promoted, that we want to start our own, like ask yourself these questions. What is it that you really want? What does success look like to you and map that out? write down in specifics, what does that mean? You know, that we have $100,000 more dollars a year,

or that we have the freedom to do things with our kids. Whatever it is for you, everyone, it's different. Write that down, map it out. Get clear. Clarity is so important. Clarity helps you on the road to becoming confident, right? You need clarity first. So write those specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely goals down on paper. You're like 90% more likely to achieve something if you write it down. Give yourself an accountability partner like your spouse or a friend or whoever, someone that's going to check in with you weekly on this project and say, hey, where are you on this? Then you're going to have to do some scary things. You're going to have to take some action. So I'm making it up. Let's decide that while you like your job, you realize it's really not for you

and you want to make a move, but you don't know how. And everyone else is telling you, now's not the time, blah, blah, blah, BS, right? Now might not be the time for them, but if you're feeling stale flat and unhappy, now is the only time for you. Right. Fast forward. Say, if I don't do anything right now and one year from now my life is like this, how am I going to feel? Am I going to wish that I had done something today? Yes, you are. Rachel, give yourself that mindset and that perspective and take action now. The biggest risk in the world you'll ever take is not taking one. And that is fact. And when I interviewed Sarah Blakely live on stage at the Drift Conference, she gave me a bag full of product so nice from Spanx. And when I got back to my hotel room with the bag, I opened everything up and looked, and

she had this card at the bottom. And it just said, Heather, the only risk in life you're ever going to really take is by not taking one. And I just, I love that. And I know it's a famous quote. I don't even know who said it. But I kept that card and I always think about that. Listen, Sarah Blakely wouldn't be a billionaire if she hadn't taken massive risk. I'm right behind her. Like, let's go. I'm all in for the risk. If you really believe, you know, if you really believe what you're doing and you believe in yourself, you've got to go all in. And yes, it's going to be scary. So I would completely encourage anyone who's stuck to go read my first book, Confidence Creator, read, Overcome Your Villains if you're in a challenging situation at work. These things are

all tools that are going to help you. This podcast is going to help you. Go back and consume more episodes, right? We're constantly addressing challenges and how to get to the next level and how to support yourself and empower yourself and develop yourself into the best version of you, which is always changing. Figure out how you're spending your time, right? Like, are you sitting on the couch watching Netflix all the time? Not the best use of your time. You should be watching TED Talks if you are going to be on the couch at your home. Maybe you have to be at home, right? You should be mapping out, you know, what does the next year of your life look like and how can you improve it? You should be reading books. Like, there's a million things you can do to better yourself. Take an online course.

There are so many things that you can do, but it really comes down to, number one, I love that my friend sent me that message and took that risk and put himself out there. Number one, you got to do that. Number two, you got to ask for help, right? Say, hey, I need some direction. I see someone ahead of me. I want to know how to get there. And number three, understand, it's going to take some work. It's going to be scary. Probably going to take some time. But it's all possible. It's all within you. And it's all up to you. So get clear on what it is specifically you want to do. What does success look like in your life? Write it down. Bring that accountability partner in. Get ready to invest in you. When I first got fired, I hired an editor. I was scared to death to spend that money. But I knew I needed to invest in myself. I invested in myself again when I wrote my book proposal. I, you know, I hired someone who was a pro at writing book proposals and it costs a fortune. But I wasn't going to get it done if I didn't make that investment. Sometimes you have to make that leap, not knowing how it's going to pan out. I'm going through something so similar right now and I can't give you the whole thing yet. I'm going to tell you very soon. It's so exciting. And yet again, I'm having to invest in me and make that leap.

But I just, my senses, I know it's going to be worth it. Like, I know I have that clarity. I know. And I also know for me, taking the wrist is always going to be worth it. I believe in myself. I believe in what I do. And I know if I put myself out there and go for it, maybe things won't go exactly the way that I think they will. But I know the right doors are going to open.

The wrong ones are going to close. And it's all going to work out in the end. And it will all work out for you too if you get moving now. Start taking action now. Okay. So I was asked about how I am able to disagree with people, and I'll give you the two examples they cited, which are funny and true, and both are on video so you can watch both of them. Starting the year with a wardrobe refresh, Quince has you covered with lux essentials that feel effortless and look polished. They're perfect for layering, mixing, and building a wardrobe that lasts.

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How am I able to disagree with people and not have an end in an argument or in a negative situation, but to be more positive and neutral, neutral or positive, right? So the first thing I would say is always don't react, respond, right? And I talk about this a lot. I talk about this, like the day that I got fired, I responded. I didn't react, which was so incredible. I'm so proud of myself this day for doing it because that was one of those moments. You literally want to light the room on fire like you're so pissed off, but I didn't.

I sat so cool and so calm. And I got up with all the dignity in the world and so much poise and self-confidence. And I just handled myself so well. And I'm so proud of that, right? So just in those moments, remember, oh, wait a minute. This is my chance right now to respond with all the class and dignity in the world instead of reacting like a child who's pissed. And it's not easy, but you'll be so proud of you.

And then once you do it and you get that sense of, ooh, that was hard to do, but I did it. And it feels so great. Well, you're going to keep doing it more and more because you're going to understand, wait a minute, this pays great dividends and I feel so good about myself after. Why would I do it any differently next time? Okay, so always respond, don't react. That's the first piece of advice I would give. Next is just determine your goal ahead of time, right?

And I talked to my son a lot about this. When he's dealing with someone difficult at school or in his life, I always say, okay, take a motion out of it for a moment. Remove emotion. What is your ultimate goal? And so when you do that, you know, it's my ultimate goal is I'm trying to get these people to understand my way of thinking or to come around to my way of thinking or whatever it is. I don't know. But get clear on what your ultimate goal is. Remove the emotion. You know, stop trying to win, quote unquote, win a fight. It's not about that, right? We're adults. here, what is it that you're trying to do? You want to be heard? You want to be understood? I don't know. You figure that out. Get clear on it. Pull the emotion out of it. There is no place for crying in baseball. There's no place for emotion in business, right? Like, you've got to pull that to the side. That's when people lose quickly is when they get really emotional at work or they buy something they shouldn't buy, right? Because emotion dictates these things. So if you can be in charge of your

emotion, you've already won before you ever walked in and sat at the table. All right. So, So here's the two examples that this person gave me why he was asking me this. He said that he saw my interview with Steve Harvey, which if you haven't seen it, it's on YouTube. You can go to my YouTube channel. It's on there. And I completely disagreed with the group of women and Steve. You know, so it was me against three other people.

I had a very, very different opinion and perspective on a topic that everyone was talking about. And no one was giving me the chance to talk. So I had to interject, which was interesting. But I knew going into that situation that, I guess what people didn't know is when you go on shows like that ahead of time, the producers call you in advance and they tell you what the topic is going to be for the show. They ask you how you would respond to certain questions. And then they're going to give you some color in regards to, you know, what they're looking for. So the Steve Harvey show in particular, they had called me a few weeks, if not a month ahead of time and said, hey, we want to have you on the show. We're going to talk about revenge hookups. I think that's what it was. I don't remember exactly like hooking up with someone out of revenge because somebody else cheated on you or something crazy like that. And they said, what's your gut reaction when we say that? And I said, just what I told you that that's crazy. Why would someone go have sex with somebody else? else because someone cheated on.

Like, that sounds so wrong to me. And so you're trashing yourself. You're giving away one of the most beautiful and special things. So personal and intimate in your life to get revenge on someone else. The math doesn't work for me, right? I think that's ridiculous. That's not, not correct. In my world, right, for me.

That's not right for me. However, obviously there's people that is right for. So the producer started laughing on the phone because I was very animated about how strongly I felt about this because I do think it's ridiculous. I honestly can't believe adults would behave like that, but they do. Okay. So I had strong beliefs. Producers dying laughing and she says, listen, the women that you're sitting with completely disagree with you. I'm just letting you know.

And I said, okay, well, thank you for the heads up, right? So I knew going into an environment that I would have like this polarizing and different opinion. And I thought to myself, what is my ultimate goal? My ultimate goal in that instance was just to be heard. I just wanted the audience. I understood I was with two very powerful, successful women on this panel. And they would be heard, I'm sure, because they had been on the show multiple times. I had never been on the show before.

So I was kind of like the odd kid out. So I knew I was going to have to probably fight to get my voice heard. But my goal was just to share my different perspective because I wanted the audience to know there's choices. It doesn't have to just be one way. And I for sure wanted anyone out there in the world who didn't know that to hear. There are options. And here's another option and here's another way to see it. And just share my perspective.

So I was clear on what my goal was. I had removed emotion, right? I wasn't going to cry if no one was listening to me or, you know, I trained myself, really disciplined myself. to learn how to speak up at various events. Really, this is through business. So is how I learned this from being in so many board meetings, so many business meetings where people weren't giving me the floor, and I had to interject and grab the floor,

and not getting upset by it, right? But staying calm, staying even keeled, and sharing my opinion and perspective. So I went into that environment in that regard. When I got there, I didn't know Steve Harvey. I'd never met him before. I didn't know the other two women who were incredibly successful, powerful women.

And so I walked up to everybody, shook hands, smiled, made eye contact, gave honest compliments, right? Like, I think it's really important to do that. Establish some connection with people and know things about them going into it. So you can offer feedback or find mutual points of connection ahead of time. So I had done that for a few minutes before we went on air, but then we were on air. And it was so clear, everybody was on the same page but me. And they were having this incredible conversation with the three of them and not, you know, turning it over to say,

Hey, Heather, what do you think? Because I was the odd guy out that nobody knew. So this was going on for a couple of minutes. And that's when I just said, okay, enough enough. And so I physically, number one, there are so many different ways that you can interject yourself. But one way is physically, right? When you lean in and extend your hand or raise your hand, that's a very obvious way. And I did that. Like I leaned in to, hey, and then I said, I believe I said something like, guys, I can't sit here in silence anymore. I've got to interject here. Basically, I wasn't arguing with anybody. I was just stating a need and I didn't stop talking.

I kept talking. I wasn't asking permission. I stated a need and then I continued right into what I wanted to say. I think that's a really good strategy when people aren't giving you the space or the floor is to make it known that. you need some help, you need something, and then take what you need right in that moment. And so that's what I did. And again, not, I'm not singling anyone out. I'm not starting an argument. I'm just saying, hey, guys, listen, I've got to jump in here. I've got to share this.

And then I just kept talking. I completely disagree. And here's why. And I wanted to be known that I didn't agree with them. But then I wanted to explain that why I saw it differently and how I can understand their perspective or their position. But I just, I just didn't agree. I didn't see it that way. And it was so funny, you know, I was not argumentative, but I was speaking, you know, check it out on YouTube. I was speaking from a very strong place because I feel very strongly about this. And it was interesting. One of the women said, I mean, well, there you go. Heather's more mature than us. And it was just kind of funny. You know, it was funny and everyone was laughing. And anyways, it went over great. And it wasn't argumentative. And it was clear that

while we all had differing opinions, no one was attacking one another over it, which that was my goal, right? I wanted to be heard, but I didn't want to fight with anybody. I wanted to respond, not react, with class and dignity. And so that went really well. But I also will tell you, I never know what's going to happen when I put myself in new environments like, you don't know. Right. So you have to take on the risk. You have to be willing to go out in these situations, not knowing and going for it, trusting in yourself. You know, so practice, think, you know, be thoughtful and intentional about these things ahead of time. The other example this person used was I recently interviewed the psychologist from Google who just wrote a book about perfectionism. And if you haven't heard it yet, I believe it was two episodes ago. You'll see it's the perfectionism episode. I knew, I always read the books of my guest because I feel like you have to to really, you know, give a good interview. And right away in this woman's book, which first of all, I applaud anyone that can write a book. It's a lot of work.

Having done it twice, let me tell you, it's not easy. Takes a lot of time. Okay. So I'm already a champion of anyone when I'm reading their book and I was reading her book, but I didn't agree with what she was writing. Again, I'm not a psychologist, right? I did study psychology in school, but I'm not a psychologist. But I just didn't agree.

A lot of her book seemed to be based on this foundational, you know, position that everyone is a perfectionist. And she even had a quiz to say, like, which kind of perfectionist are you? And I'm reading this and I'm like, oh, I am not a perfectionist at all, never have been. And as I was reading, I was like, this lady's way off. Like, this is way off. I'm not a perfectionist. So how can she be telling me what kind of perfectionist I am when I'm not one?

And actually, it would be good for me if I could have some perfectionist. type qualities. Like, I'd be more organized. I would get things done faster, right? So in my mind, it was kind of funny that she would say everyone is a perfectionist because I know I'm not. All right. So before I ever get on the actual interview with her, I've already completely disagreed with her. And this does not happen all the time, right? Oftentimes, a lot of things I talk about on my show, I agree a lot with the people because we're coming from the same school of thought, but not on this day. So I thought to myself, what is my ultimate goal? My ultimate goal was, I wanted to approach this interview from a place of curiosity. I want to approach really every

episode from that standpoint, right? Like, how can I learn and how can you guys learn? Like, what can all of us learn from this, myself included? But this one, I really felt so curious because I just didn't agree with her. So I just thought, huh, I wonder what I'm going to learn from that. Like, I'm so curious as to how she feels so strongly she would write a book about this. And I feel so strongly knowing myself. So I approached the entire episode from that position of curiosity. What can I learn from this that I don't yet know? Instead of approaching it from, I want her to know what I know, right? So I think that's like a small tweak in how you approach it. Again, it's all about getting the other person to empty their glass and share as much information as

possible with you so you can figure out, oh, now I get what she was trying to say, or here's what I didn't understand because oftentimes that's just what it is, right, from a communication standpoint. And so the funny thing is, before we started recording, I was talking to her off air. And this was one of her first big interviews for her new book. And she shared that with me. So she was sharing with me basically, you know, that she was kind of new to this thing right now. Not that she had done podcasts before, but for the book and promoting the book. And, you know, she was probably, like this was probably a lot more intense for her than it was

for me was kind of what I was understanding in that moment because she hadn't done a lot of shows yet for the new book. And so she's a little more nervous. That's kind of how I was seeing it. So when I see someone, I was the one going on the Steve Harvey show that was way more nervous than everybody else around me, right? So do you see how the dynamics different there? And that affects how you behave and show up, whether you're the one who's more nervous or the one who's not, the one in a position of power, the one who's not. All of that plays into the conversation. So the minute I knew that she was a little bit more nervous, right? This is my show.

I'm not nervous. Then I have a lot more empathy, right? So just the fact that she teed that up for me ahead of time, soften me. So I'm still approaching it from curiosity. But now I'm kind of like, I'm on her team. I want her to do well, right? I want her first big interview to go really well for her new book because I know how hard it is and how important it is. So I share with her off air, hey, I just want to be up front with you.

I really don't agree with you. that everyone's a perfectionist. And I'm so curious as to why you feel that way. And I can't wait to really get into this on the air. And she started, like, it actually made her feel good because I was letting her know how things were going to go on air. And we were off air. So it was a safe space for her, right?

So it was kind of giving her a heads up. And so we started talking a little bit of dialogue about that. And she was excited to explain that. And she said, thank you for, you know, I'm appreciative that you bring that up because she said, I bet if you feel that way, other people might feel that way too. and I kind of want to get into that topic. So anyways, it ended up being, like, I established trust with her, was kind of the way that I saw it.

So when you are approaching situations from a place of curiosity, when you're being open-minded, again, about your physical appearance, how you're handling your hand gestures, your face, inform your face, right, smiling at somebody else, making eye contact, being empathetic, all those things are going to create some bonds, some trust, and hopefully lower any tension that could potentially be there. And then genuinely ask questions trying to learn. Right? I wanted to learn and understand.

I didn't want to accuse her or challenge her. I wanted to learn from her. And it ends up being a great interview. If you know anyone that's ever struggle with perfectionism, you have to go back and check it out. Okay. I just want to brainstorm a couple other ideas. So polite ways to disagree, right?

So basically what you're trying to do when you want to disagree with someone is you're sharing that you have a different view point and you want to be respectful and you want to have tact, of course. You're not, and again, get clear on your goal. You're not trying to be confrontational. You're also not trying to be dismissive of the other person's perspective, right? Because that can sting. And we all know that people have triggers. You never know what someone's trigger is, right? So dismissing how someone feels or what they see can be a trigger for people. So it's important to try not to do that, but instead be respectful

of an understanding and curious of what their thoughts are. Okay, so when you understand where they're coming from, then you can explain your own viewpoint in a calm, rational manner. So another tactic is try not to use absolutes. Like it has to be this way. It can only be this way because that can be really confrontational and kind of back someone into a corner. So it's more helpful to be.

say something like, I understand how you feel that way. I see things a little bit differently. Right. So you want to acknowledge how somebody else, like, why they, people have different life experiences. They went to different schools, had different jobs, had different families. People are going to see things differently. And it's good to acknowledge that and say, I understand, given where you're coming from, how you could see it that way. However, I see it a little bit differently. I wanted to share with you my perspective on that and why and get into that. Okay, here are some other just hacks for going into difficult situations or potentially difficult situations when you want to set yourself up for success and remaining calm, use I statements. So instead of saying,

you're wrong, that would be a trigger moment. You could say, I don't agree with you and here's why. So shifting from the you comments, which is attacking to them, and making it about I, right, I'm owning this. So again, instead of saying you or your make it I, that little, just that little word choice is going to help you not seem attacking and just seem in charge of yourself, but not attacking to them. Okay, so use I statements when going into difficult situations. Listen. I mean, listening is so important. Listen from a place of curiosity. And also be an active listener, right? So you're going to want to parrot things back to people. Make sure you're understanding what they're saying. So often we don't actually understand what the other party is communicating. It happens all the time.

Acknowledge that this other person is seen by you, right? Oh, I see how that would, I see now why you felt that way, right? Acknowledge them. Everybody has a different experience. Everyone's different. So acknowledge that. See them. Find common ground. We talked about this earlier that I was doing that on the Steve Harvey show. The more you can find some level of commonality. Oh, you're a mother. Oh, my gosh. How old is your child? Right. Find some, oh, you used to be in the media business. So did I. Oh, you used to live in Boston. So did I. Whatever it is. Find some common ground. People like people like them. Right. And anyone can do this in any moment. And it always works. This is definitely sales 101 tactics. It works so well. Use humor. Humor can get a stressful situation

back on track so fast. And if you are someone that leans into human, humor. I know that you feel as. I remember I was, my gosh, I was walking out on stage for the Sarah Blakely interview and I almost tripped and fell and I made a joke about it and the whole place went wild laughing. And it just broke the ice, right? Like it takes all the pressure off when people laugh for a moment. So lean into humor. Don't be afraid of it. It's going to break the ice. It's going to get people off of whatever tense feeling that they currently have and get them to lower their shoulders for a minute. And that's when you're going to make your breakthroughs. don't attack the other person and don't make things personal.

Like with this woman, it was about her book. It wasn't about her. Right? There's a separation there. So we're talking about our book. I'm not attacking her. I was saying I didn't agree with some of the things in her book. It didn't mean I did not like her.

That's a big gap right there. And you want to be clear about that. And suggest alternatives, right? So you can say, you know, you can offer up a different solution or, listen, Maybe we're not going to completely agree on the book today, but I do want to say, I think you're incredible. Or, you know, like, it doesn't have to just be one way. It doesn't have to be that absolute.

There's plenty of shades of gray. And it's about looking for resolution, looking for being productive, and looking for acknowledging and seeing other people and coming from a place of curiosity. Those are some of my tips on how to disagree with people with class and without upset. But just remember, there's no place for crying in baseball, no place for anger or upset in discussions. Leave that stuff at home. Go in with a good attitude. Keep your smile on.

Be ready to crack a joke and be you and be curious. All right. So that's it from me today. If you have questions, I'd love to hear from you. Shoot me a DM anywhere on social media. If you want to go to my website, it's heathermonahan.com. I would love to hear from you, and I will answer them each week on the show. If you like this episode, please share it.

Tag me. No one succeeds alone. And that includes your girl. It would mean the world to me. Please share the show with someone that you think it could help. Until next week, keep creating your confidence. You know I will be. I'm on this journey with me.