Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan - #364: How You Can Transform HATE To HEALING With Heather!

Episode Date: October 11, 2023

To check out OneSkin click here! https://shareasale.com/u.cfm?d=1054216&m=102446&u=3821794&afftrack= To get your 15% one time use discount use code: Confidence Remember if you opt in for the subscription you can cancel any time but you can only use the discount code once. In This Episode You Will Learn About: How to keep yourself from reacting emotionally  The best ways to deliver criticism with class Why it is so important to have a dialogue to really understand someone Having grace & empathy for yourself & others Resources: Visit heathermonahan.com Overcome Your Villains is Available NOW! Order here: https://overcomeyourvillains.com  If you haven't yet, get my first book Confidence Creator Get 55% off at Babbel.com/MONAHAN  Visit Indeed.com/monahan to start hiring now. Go to 4Patriots.com and use code CONFIDENCE to get 10% off. Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at shopify.com/monahan, all lowercase Show Notes:  Have you ever received a comment or a message that just TRIGGERS you? I get messages from haters all the time but this instance was different. This message made me angry at first but on a second look was honest feedback. I am so glad I took the time to process this comment, start a dialogue, and actually CONNECT with the person who wrote it. What could have just been blown off as a hater message became such a meaningful conversation. I encourage you to find the space for others, don’t let anger fester, and reach out with grace and empathy! You will be so happy you did! I know I was.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Each week when you join me, you're going to chase down our goals. Overcome adversity and set you up for better tomorrow. I'm ready for my close time. Hi and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me this week. Okay, so I want to share a quick story with you that I hope gives you some perspective that I'm grateful I have today. As you know, I create a lot of content, right?

Especially on LinkedIn. And I love the LinkedIn platform. It's where business gets done. And I love owning my voice. And I know that anytime that you're not being vanilla, I am not vanilla. My friend, you are not vanilla, either. I hope that you're going to get haters, right?

You're going to get people coming at you. And I've become very accustomed to it now. I've been doing it now for over five years. So when I receive nasty notes, my typical response is nothing. I ignore it. I don't even block the people in my name and care. I just, you know, I feel bad for them, I think,

oh gosh, these poor people that are this negative and have the time and their data attack somebody else, whatever, keep it moving. You know, and I just forget about it, that's my norm. However, something happened this week that I wanted to share with you, which is different.

I handled it differently. And I'm actually really grateful for the experience. It taught me a lesson. And people aren't just always blanket haters because they send us a note that we don't like. Okay, so come with me on this journey. I put a post up, which now in hindsight, I can see why it aggravated some people.

When I did it, I didn't think of it that way at all, by the way. Okay, and I'll give you that context in a minute too. Okay, it's just a quote, tweet card. It looks like a tweet image on Twitter. It says, there will always be another deal, another job, or another opportunity. Desperate is so unattractive. I love, love, love that quote.

That came to me from one of my favorite mentors in business. I love it. Don't come from a place of, if I don't get this, I'm screwed. Because then you're not gonna get it, right? You're not, you're not going to feel confident in yourself. When you come from a place of, if I don't get this deal, it wasn't meant for me.

This isn't the right partnership. This isn't the right person. There's something better on the other side. You approach things from such a different energy and such a different confidence level that it becomes a gift not to get something. You're in a better mood. It shifts everything. It's super powerful.

It's served me so well. The only time it doesn't serve me is when I forget it, and I get desperate, and I get, I can't believe he didn't like me, or I can't believe it didn't work out. That's when I go down the rabbit hole to No Man's Land and have to pull myself out, and it always inevitably takes longer and you lose time, right? And again, it happens. However, the only time that

mantra doesn't serve me is when I don't use it. Okay, so that's why I felt it was important to share with people. I've shared it before, but I just I want to share it again, especially because anytime I've seen myself get into a rut, I need to remind everybody else about it, right? So to me, it's just powerful. Okay, I hope you understand why I posted it. Now, I'm going to share with you some feedback that I received. That at first, I was calling a hate message, and I was going to ignore, but I chose not to ignore.

And again, this is not my typical, right? And I have received a number of responses that were negative. Okay, so I'm not going to say the person's name, I'm not going to say where they're from, obviously, but it was from a woman on LinkedIn. And the headline on the note on the in-mail just said on a feedback. And it was said, hello, how are there, exclamation? So it seems, you know, it's usually people are attacking you right out of the gate. I'm choosing to spend an in-mail token because I want to share something with you privately rather than a post. So first of all, right there, that's classy.

So just attacking people publicly serves no one and makes that person look classless in my opinion. This was really classy that this person did this. It was thoughtful. It took time into approach someone with criticism privately. That's the right move. Like, I'm for this person. Immediately, this person's got me.

Right, I'm not going to walk away and say, hate or and move on. So I just, I like that approach. Okay, your message of desperate is so unattractive is really a bit cruel. Of course, that pissed me off when I read it. Cause I was like, what? No, it's not.

This person goes on to say, you are a gorgeous woman, which hold for a minute there. I understand that when people see professional images of me on social media all day long, they think that. However, I'm sitting here right now drinking coffee in sweats. My son's sick. He was up late last night, had night sweats. I'm on no sleep. My hair's in a knot. I have no makeup on glasses, eye patches. I don't feel so gorgeous, right?

But I get the person's point. However, I'm also just giving you the other side of the perspective that nobody, nobody feels gorgeous in killing it 24-7. So I kind of laughed when I read that, but there's perspective on either side. I get this person's perspective because they don't see me sitting here right now in my kitchen table on no sleep, not looking so beautiful. They see professional images on social media of me speaking in front of thousands of people with a beautiful dress on. Right?

So, I'm not saying one's right or one's wrong, but they're all true. And sometimes, I think it would be helpful for ourselves, myself included, that we see the other sides of perspective. The thing about running your own business is every single higher counts, and no hiring partner understands that, like indeed, indeed is a hiring platform where you can attract interview and hire all in one place. Don't spend hours on multiple job sites, looking for candidates with the right skills

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And then who wants to be desperate, sometimes hormone circumstances, or even last chance interviews, or the phone is turned off, or car repot, does make the one interview a potential matter of life or death. You couple that with how many rejections job seekers get along the way, and ego gets annihilated while the bank account gets lower and lower.

I know it's a simple message, but for me, it came off as a mean girl message. And you are far too successful in a leadership role to appear superficial and cruel. I hope this makes sense to you. Okay, so at first I was pissed, because I was like, oh, that is not true. Right, and if someone triggers you like that,

they've got your button, right? Because I did not want to trigger people like that. However, I realized this person approached me with class, grace, privately, which I totally respect, and obviously it really hurt this person. So I gave myself a moment to calm down and not react because when we react, we let other people control us. I wanted to be thoughtful about this

and I decided I was gonna respond. And at first I was like, this is a hater, but then as I thought about it, not really, this isn't a hater, this is somebody who felt hurt by my message. And I think there's a big difference, right? So, oh my gosh, I'm so proud of 49 year old me because let me just say this, 40 year old me would not have responded this way, right? The one beautiful thing about what I shouldn't say the one, there's many beautiful things about getting older, one beautiful thing about getting older is you can handle things in such a better way

that the younger version of you would not have had the class or grace to handle. So give yourself a shout out today when you do that, when you see yourself handling something so much better than that younger version of you. Okay, so I wrote back, let's see how long it took. Oh, she wrote that to me at four at five, 31. So I gave myself an hour and a half.

I needed it. I'm sure I just went on and did some other tasks or whatever. But I wrote back, thank you so much for sharing your perspective and writing this thoughtful note. I appreciate it. I did not intend for it to come across as cool. In fact, this lesson was a hard one lesson for me that I only learned a couple of years ago.

My mentor told me I always appeared desperate whether it was to close the big deal or to nail down the certain partnership, etc. He taught me that I was focusing more and more on the desperate and the loss and that I would be guaranteed to lose the opportunity if I kept approaching it that way. Switching to a perspective that there will always be another deal is what attracts more business and more opportunity to us. I promise this works and I share it to help others. I hope this can help you to in some small way. Have a great day. Okay. Then at 10.40 that night, this person wrote me back. Thank you for the taking the

time to write me back. Heather, I understand you. It reminds me that maybe my emotional reactions are my choice as is myself a steam. I do the work but need to walk the walk and not just theorize who I want to be, rather take the necessary action to get myself there. I absolutely came across as desperate these last few months. This person goes on to describe their own challenges, which are major challenges. I'm not going to get insect because I don't want to reveal who the person was. Okay, but really major hardships, right? I feel you, I hear you, and now I'm gonna cut to the end. When I read that desperate, so unattractive,

I reacted viscerally, I get it. It is a reflection of my own place in life to take your message personally. When an actuality, the truth hurts for a reason, it is through pain that we may grow. Then she goes on to ask if I've ever done any Tony Robbins events, this person's gonna go to one of them. The irony, I can't even get into the irony right now, that I'm in talks right now with

Tony Robbins team. And it was just, I don't know, the fact that she closed with that I thought was so cool and certain to pit us and full circle and I just, I don't know, I felt so proud of this woman. Okay, so that she's doing the work, that she's putting herself out there, that she's open to the feedback. Then she goes on to say, you're someone I've looked up to for inspiration during this crazy time in my life and trying to get on course again. So for that, and all you represent and successful women, I send my gratitude.

What a, I got cry. Oh my gosh. What a nice person, right? And I almost wrote it off as a hater. So I was so grateful that we had that exchange. And I love that it just reminded me words on a piece of paper, on a social media feeder words. Until you have dialogue with people,

you don't know where they're coming from. You don't know what they really think. She didn't know what I really meant by that post. And I didn't really know what she meant by her response to me initially either. I was labeling her a hater. and she was labeling me a mean girl. Thankfully, we had dialogue beyond that and saw that neither one of us were mean or haters, right?

But instead, good people who want the best for ourselves, want the best for others are doing the work and on the journey, and actually can be champions for one another. So I ask you today, who in your life are you in a situation with right now that maybe words on a page halted you, allowed you to label them, and maybe it was done without perspective of the other side. Have the conversation, send the private note,

have the private meeting, don't let ill, will, flourish, and grow, especially when there's no place for it. And this dialogue in exchange just reminds me either side of us could have done it. She could have just taken that anger with her all day and never sent me that in mail note. She could have just publicly said, have her money hands, a mean girl. She chose not to do that.

She chose to rise up even though she's an incredibly difficult circumstances right now Even though she's living in hardship. She's living in challenging times She chose to be thoughtful and kind and private And I'm just so grateful for that. I went on to say to her. I appreciate you. I'm proud of you I'm praying that you are gonna have an incredible event with Tony Robbins and have the breakthroughs You're looking for, have an amazing day, I believe in you. And then she wrote back the sweetest note to me. In a startling description, the UN food chief warned the world with the words knocking

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Subscribe today at publicmobile.ca, different is calling. Pfft, pfft. So, again, there's to be messages we see in life and notes we see in life that can trigger us. We can choose to react and visceral angry way to them and let them control us and dictate our behaviors and reactions or we can be thoughtful, great, so it gives ourselves a minute or two or four hours or however long you need to calm down and respond thoughtfully. I'm grateful that she and I had that dialogue and I'm grateful that it reminds me

we never know what somebody else is thinking or where they're coming from or why they respond the way they do. I think if we all tried to behave in a calm, kinder way, coming from a place of curiosity understanding, there would be so much less upset and seeing what's happening in Israel right now and the horrifying situation out there, there's no place for anger, there's no place for hatred,

there's no place for hurting others. We need a world that works to find the kindness and similarities in others, the common ground, the peace. I promise you this. I'm praying for anyone struggling right now. I'm praying for Israel. I'm praying for anyone dealing with lack, upset, hurt, and harm.

And I'm praying I can find the next right word that I can find the understanding in my own life. The change has to begin with each one of us and hopefully we can come from a place of kindness. We can come from a place of understanding. We can come from a place of grace. I'm certainly not nearly a perfectly everyday, but I promise you I'm doing a heckle lot better than I was a couple of years ago and I bet you are too. Okay, so that was the big message I wanted to talk to you about today that was on my heart

and I just felt was important to share if there is any situation in your life where you've been harboring upset or anger, reach out privately today. That's my challenge to you, with kindness and come from a place of curiosity and understanding and empathy and who knows where that conversation will take you. I'm grateful that that woman's some of that private note and I'm grateful I didn't pass it by as a hater and not even read it. So give yourself the grace, give the other person the grace, take the time. And if you haven't seen yet, oh my gosh, I don't know if you've seen this yet, I partnered with one skin which is

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Until next week, keep creating your confidence. You know I will be. This episode is brought to you by the YAP Media Podcast Network. I'm Holla Taha, CEO of the award-winning digital media empire YAP Media, and host of YAP Young & Profiting Podcast, a number one entrepreneurship and self-improvement podcast where you can listen, learn, and profit. On Young & Profiting Podcast, I interview the brightest minds in the world, and I turn their wisdom into actionable advice that you can use in your daily life

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