Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan - #41: How to Conquer Difficult Conversations with David Wood

Episode Date: February 11, 2020

How to Conquer Difficult Conversations with David Wood See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Thank you for listening to this Podcast One production. Available on Apple Podcasts and Podcast One. When you join me here, Podcast One, you're going to chase down our goals. We'll overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow. That's your journey with me. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're here. It's been a crazy week, but some interesting things going on.

For those of you who don't know, I was very successful in corporate and I had a 20-year run in corporate America, an area that I used to believe was well-lit and safe. Boy, was I wrong. You're never safe in corporate America. The reality is you are basically entrusting that things won't change. Your boss won't change and your company won't be acquired. Well, the CEO I worked for for 14 years became ill. He elevated his daughter and she fired me immediately, which is what has started me.

me down this new path two years ago. I wrote and self-published my first book Confidence Creator. I got out, hit the ground running, trying to promote that book and got picked up as a professional speaker. I then launched my online confidence course. I then launched my podcast that you're listening to right now. Thanks so much for listening. And it's been a wild ride since. I actually wrote my second book and I just finished my book proposal this morning and I'm so excited. to go back to the agent that I had been working with a few months ago, I basically had been back and forth with an agent on my initial book proposal for the second book. She came back to me, wanted a bunch of changes,

and I was transitioning into my TEDx talk at that time, beginning to prepare. And I remember just thinking, I can't handle all of these things right now. I just jumped into the speaking business. I had just jumped into the podcast world, and now I was jumping into the TED talk world, and it was overwhelming. so I had to evaluate things and let something go. And I decided to drop or to put to the side, basically put to the side my book proposal.

And I shelved it until I got a DM on social media from one of my followers saying, what's going on with a second book, Heather? And it was such a good kick that I needed. And I said, oh my gosh, I need to get this work done, get back to this agent and get this going. So I'm super excited. Somebody prodded me. If you've got someone in your life, prod them today because we need reminders and it was a

welcomed kick that I'm really excited I got because today it's done. I am shipping it off to the agent. We are praying. We get good feedback. It's been a tremendous amount of work. And I wanted to share with you. It's so interesting that, and I found this agent through cold calling, I researched the biggest person that I see in the self-help personal.

development space currently, which is Rachel Hollis. And I Googled her. I googled her agent. I found her agent. Her agent said that I wouldn't be the right fit for her, but she has a partner who leans more towards business. And that agent handed me to her partner. And her partner said I could be a good fit, but I would have to rework something. So now I've reworked these things. Now I have a little bit more time to focus on this. And the TED talk is done. And now we are moving forward. So fingers crossed on that one, I will let you know. I should hear back by next week, I hope. So hopefully I can let you know next week what's going on.

One of the crazy things that I've learned being in corporate America, or I'm sorry, not being in corporate America, being on my own, not knowing what the path is and, you know, creating my own path, is that things don't happen as quickly as I would like. In the olden days in corporate America, I knew how long, I knew what the sales cycle was. I knew how long it would take to get to someone, I knew how long it would take to get the next promotion.

It was sort of all played out and I could piece it together easily. Now that I'm on my own, I don't really know what's happening next. I'm creating it. So sometimes the timelines get a little frustrating, foggy, and they don't happen soon enough. And I want to share this with you because if you're frustrated like me, you just have to hang in there. And I share this all the time. 97% of people will give up and they're going to go to work for the 3% that didn't. And that's true in anything, whether you're on your job trying to get promoted or you know, you're focused on doing something on the side.

Don't give up on it because you never know how close you are. And I have so many instances of this recently. So when I, a couple of episodes ago, I interviewed Ed Milet, I went out to Laguna Beach to his home to interview him. We were hanging out and talking after the show, which I always recommend go face to face on anything important. it is a game changer. So I got the chance to show my TED Talk. He said to me, listen, you're a really strong speaker. You need to be speaking more and getting paid more. So we were strategizing and talking about how can we make that happen. He was super helpful. And he said, write this down. I want you to write down this platform. It's called let's engage. I'm on it.

This thing is, it's right up your alley. Heather, it's a lot of motivational, inspirational speaking opportunities. I think you need to be there. Well, I took a ton of notes that day. And then I went to meetings after that and then I went on interviews after that and I was in LA for a few days and then I flew home and then I went to New York and you know again just a million things going on last week when I was organizing all of my notes I saw that one note that I hadn't followed up on and so key that we go back and review things I miss things all the time I'm sure you do too so I'd like to take those you know a day at least once a month to go through all my old emails all my old notes and pull out anything that I could be missing and put it to the top of my to-do list.

So I jumped on that Let's Engage platform. I spoke to the founder. We had an amazing call. We just hit it off. And he happened to be going to see Ed Milet the next day. So the timing was really good because then he was going to talk to Ed about me. And you just never know what picking up the phone and jumping out there, putting yourself out there, what can happen.

So they put me up on their platform. He happened to meet with Ed. good feedback. And now he's saying, hey, I think that I want to run some ads for you, which I didn't even know people do. I didn't know my speaker bureaus haven't done that currently, but apparently some do. So again, there's so much out there that we don't know is possible. I only thought speakers promoted themselves, or ran ads for themselves. I didn't know. Companies did that. So I'm learning as I go. Cut to a year ago, I was introduced to the president of one of the largest speaking bureaus in the country. And he was not interested in picking

me up at that time because they were more into political was their niche and something else. But it wasn't really business. And he didn't feel I was the right fit at the time. Since then, we've forged a friendship over the last year. And out of the blue, he sends me a note this week saying, hey, I was in California. I met the speaker agency that really, you know, works with Bray Brown, works with a bunch of female business speakers, inspirational, motivational speakers. And I feel like Heather, you could be an ideal fit for them because Brne Brown is booked for the next year solid already. Why wouldn't, you know, you work with them. And when they get requests for her, they could hand them to you instead. Creating a new revenue stream for the agency,

creating additional revenue stream for me, he said it just really aligns well. So what's interesting and I took from that is while he might not have been the right fit for me, the fact that I constantly follow up with him, I go to meet with him, and we've become friends as a result of our initial meeting, even though we weren't the right fit, is now turning into a new opportunity for me. So, you know, sometimes we might think, oh, I don't want to go to this meeting or I don't need to go or who knows what will come out of it. I have built everything in my life off of that that idea that I will go, I will show up, I will follow through. And yes, sometimes nothing happens. You know, I've been working back and forth with Kim Gravel on a clothing line concept for HSN now for months.

And it was funny. I always feel like I'm driving that woman crazy because I'm texting her all the time. I'm shooting her emails. I'm commenting on her social media. Hint, hint, that is the best way to get a hold of somebody and get their attention. And so I'm always trying to support her, but stay top of mind with her because we've created an amazing, beautiful deck and pitch. And on social media the other day, someone commented, Heather, I wish you had a clothing line because I would buy it. And I said, oh my gosh, yes, I'm working on it. And I jumped right on Kim's text thread and said, is there any way we can talk? And she called me right back. So not giving up is critical. And you might think you're annoying someone, but trying to do it in a positive and supportive way is important.

It turns out she had her own things going on. She'd been super busy over the holidays, and she felt now was a good time to re-engage. So she gave me some constructive feedback. I'm redoing the deck. And I told her, I'll have it back to her by Monday. So that's another potential that's out there. I always believe in the octopus strategy for revenue that we have to have multiple streams going all the time so that if one stream falls down for any reason,

we're going to be fine and we have a bridge to replace it. Okay, so this week I got the opportunity to speak for a university in Miami law school, which is funny because for years I had lawyers on a pedestal. You know, they had more schooling than me. They were more academic than me. But what I've learned is most lawyers struggle with sales. Most of them don't even understand they're in sales, but a big part of most attorney's jobs is to bring new business in. Let me decode that for you. That is sales 101. So what I've discovered is sales is really my

expertise. That's my background. Everything I did with sales and sales leadership in corporate America for 20 years. And what I've learned being an entrepreneur, an author, a speaker, is in a podcast host is everyone's in sales. I had to sell my book. I have to sell people to come on my podcast as a guest. I have to sell myself for speaking engagements. Attorneys have to sell themselves and their firms to clients to bring them in and bring a new business. And so now it's when I go and speak to law students or attorneys, I feel really confident in my ability to help them, to teach them, and to share how to sell, how to overcome adversity, how to be the best version themselves, how to be the most confident attorney they can be. And it's really exciting where it used

to be really scary for me. The first time I spoke for an attorney office was a year and a half ago. And I remember being really, really nervous. Cut to this past week where I went in really excited. I didn't even have to prepare because I know the key points that they needed to take away, which really focused around sales, of course, around creating confidence as well. But I now go into a situation feeling really confident in who I am. and my abilities and the value that I can bring to them.

So it's really important that we celebrate what our strengths are and distill it down as simplistically as possible to make sure that we connect with the audience, which I did and felt really good about that talk that I gave. And actually, one of the questions that I got after the talk was, how do we get hired? These are law school students, and they're not out in the real world yet. So, you know, that was another opportunity to convey to them

that we're living in the best time ever where we can connect with people on social media. We can research everything and anything about someone online. And if we're willing to do our due diligence, do our homework, whether you're trying to land Gary Vaynerchuk as a guest on your show or you're trying to get hired by the biggest law firm in the country, you can find anything and everything out about someone who they're connected to. You can find points of connection for you and that person. You can figure out how you can add value to them, solve their problems.

and make it really turn key. So it was such a great opportunity for me to see how I could add value and learn from them on what their struggles and challenges were, which was really, really interesting. Do you remember when you started your small business? I remember it was two years ago. It was no small feet. It took a lot of late nights, early mornings, and the occasional all-nighter. Bottom line, you've been insanely busy ever since. True that. So why not make things a little easier? while our friends at FreshBooks have the solution. FreshBooks invoicing and accounting software is designed specifically for small business owners. It's simple, intuitive, and keeps you way more organized than a dusty shoebox filled with crumpled receipts.

Create and send professional-looking invoices in 30 seconds and then get them paid two times faster with automated online payments. File expenses even quicker and keep them perfectly organized for tax time. And the best part, Fresh Books grows alongside your business, so you'll, always have the tools you need when you need them without ever having to learn the ins and outs of accounting. Who wants to do that? Join the 24 million people who've used fresh books, try it for free. For 30 days, no catch and no credit card required. Go to freshbooks.com slash confidence and enter creating confidence in the how did you hear about us section. Get started now. Okay, so another pretty cool thing happened during the Super Bowl, a friend of mine from New York had got me invited to a party.

And he said, listen, I know a lot of people that are going to be there want you to go. So, of course, I went. And at this party, I met a lot of different people, went up and introduced myself to people. And some people had recognized me and came up to introduce themselves. So it was this great networking opportunity, even though the traffic was insane, complete nightmare, but whatever, it was worth it. So I brought one of my girlfriends along as a wing woman. We had a great time, met a lot of people. One of the people that I met or got reintroduced to is someone that had reached out to me on LinkedIn.

Gosh, this must have been six years ago back when I was in corporate America. He was running a number of different businesses. He was an investor and he wanted some help around sales and marketing. He had sent me a note and said, do you consult on the side? Which I didn't. I said, no, I don't. However, your office is right down the street from me. I'll come and meet with you.

Let's see if I can help you out a little bit. So I took, you know, an hour out of my day one, one random day six years ago, met with him, gave him a little bit of advice. And that was it. And moved on. Forgot about it. Well, he happened to beat this party randomly. Do good and good always comes back to you.

And he came up to me and reintroduced himself. He's still following me on LinkedIn, which if you don't, please follow me on LinkedIn. I definitely put up a lot of great content there. And he reintroduces himself to me. He's now left that company he was formerly with. He's doing something different now. And he also happens to be on the board of YPO. Now, YPO is a group that hires professional speakers in every state across the country,

nearly every month. I mean, it's a huge opportunity to break into one that I would, that's on my target list of speaking opportunities I want to break into because they pay so much for speakers. They're very highly regarded. And they're so, just breaking into that one entity would, reveal an opportunity of hundreds of speaking opportunities for me. You know, there's so many different ways to approach the speaking business. Do you go through agencies, through speaker bureaus, or do you target specific companies that just hire a lot on their own? This would be that type of an opportunity.

So you need to get one YPO speaking engagement to create a ripple effect of your reputation so that people start reviewing and recommending you within that organization. It's really smart, efficient strategy. Wouldn't you know, he comes up to me and says, hey, I'm on the board of YPO. You helped me out years ago. I've been seeing that your speaking business is taking off. I'd love to invite you to a YPO meeting so that the entire board can see you speak. I believe that once you speak once for YPO, you'll be getting speaking engagements across the country. So yes, he did follow up with me this week. I'm so glad my friend invited me to that party, which neither one of these two were connected, but it was the fact that someone got me the invite.

I chose to show up and give it a chance. And then I had done something nice for someone years ago, and it just resurfaced for me. So I'm really excited. And yes, I'm going to go to this YPO retreat where I know nobody, and I'm going to speak for them with the return on this investment being

that it could be worth literally millions of dollars if things go well. And I'm sure they will. I'm going to go in with a great attitude. I'm going to lead with taking a chance, chance on me and going all in, which I hope you are doing too. Do you own or rent your home? Sure you do, just like me. And I bet it can be hard work because it really is. You know what's easy? Bundling policies with Geico. Geico makes it easy to bundle your homeowners or renters insurance along with your

auto policy. It's a good thing too because you already have so much to do around your home. Go to Geico.com, get a quote, and see how much you could save. It's Geico easy. Visit geico.com today. That's geico.com. Okay, so enough about me. We need to get to my amazing guest. And if you have ever thought about the challenge of having a difficult conversation, my next guest is going to help you get around it.

And let's be honest, who hasn't dealt with difficult conversations or hasn't avoided difficult conversations? Now is the day and time to step into it. Hang tight. We'll be right back. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so excited for you to meet my guest, David Wood. After life as a consulting actuary to Fortune 100 companies, David built the world's largest coaching business, becoming number one on Google for life coaching. Very impressive. He believes tough conversations

we avoid are our doorways to confidence, success, and even love in both work and life. David coaches high-performing entrepreneurs, executives, and teams, and even prison inmates to amazing results and connection, one conversation at a time. Thanks for being here, David. Thanks for having me, Heather. I'm so excited. I have so many tough conversations in my life, and so I'm so interested in learning more. Can you share a little bit of background on your very interesting life with our listeners? Sure. I was very left-brained. That's how I grew up. I didn't realize that I shut down my emotions as a kid. And I wasn't very good at being relational with people,

but I got good at creating results and systems and numbers. So that was my career as a consulting actuary, which is basically advising big multinationals on their risk profiles and uncertainty and how to manage that. And then I discovered personal growth. Woohoo. And I was very cynical. I was very cynical.

Like they were all wearing name tags and they're all smiling too much. And I figured they're just, it's some, some scam to get weak-willed people out of their money. Well, sometimes I think that is the case, but okay. Maybe. But they cracked my cynicism open. I found that their heart was really in it. And they cracked me open. And I got a taste of coaching in the course.

I couldn't help myself if someone was stuck. I'd ask them a question that would help them get unstuck. And I'm like, this is really good. And then someone had a business card. This is back in 1997. Someone had a business card that said, coach. And I'm like, you can get paid for this. So at the end of 98, I finally decided to,

I'd quit my job already. I'd gone back to Australia and I was an entertainer. I was basically a one-man band. for pubs and parties, I was just doing, taking a sabbatical. And then I decided to print off my own business cards and see what happened if I started coaching and training. And that was 20 years ago. The rest is history.

So what was so special or unique about what you were doing that brought you that level of success? You mean the level of success where I was number one on Google for life coaching and 150,000 email addresses. Wow. Well, one thing I think that helped a lot was my affinity for systems. I'm a geek and I love programming. So when I see and a business is basically a bunch of systems. So when I wanted to get ranked on the search engines, I went and Googled how to how to do it and went and tried it. And this was back before anyone was doing SEO for life coaching. I was number one, four, and seven on some of the major search engines.

People were complaining. So I think it was my nerdiness that really helped me set up the systems. And another thing that was useful is I tend to go for it. I may not be sure that I'm going to be successful, but I want to know that I tried. So I stalked Jack Canfield to try and build a relationship with him for years. And I would ask people with big stages if I could come and come and speak. I mean, I just went and pitched myself to the Mind Valley podcast.

And I'm thinking there's no way I'm going to get on the Mind Valley podcast at this stage. But then someone gets back to me and says, hey, let's set it up. You just don't know. So I think being daring has really helped me to be successful. When you want more, start your business with Northwest Registered Agent. and get access to thousands of free guides, tools, and legal forms to help you launch and protect your business. All in one place. Build your complete business identity with Northwest today. Northwest registered agents has been helping small business owners and entrepreneurs launch and grow businesses for nearly 30 years.

They are the largest registered agent and LLC service in the U.S. with over 1,500 corporate guides, real people who know your local laws and can help you in your business every step of the way. Build your business identity fast with Northwest registered agent and get access to thousands of free resources, forms, and step-by-step guides without even creating an account. Sign up for a free account to begin managing your business hub with lawyer-drafted operating agreements, bylaws, resolutions, membership, certificates, bills a sale, and more, all at no cost.

Northwest is your one-stop business resource. Learn how to build a professional website, what annual filings your business needs to stay in good standing, and simple explanations of complicated business laws. With Northwest privacy is automatic. They never sell your data and all services are handled in-house. Because privacy by default is their pledge to all customers. Don't wait.

Protect your privacy. Build your brand and get your complete business identity in just 10 clicks and 10 minutes. Visit Northwestregisteredagent.com slash confidence-free and start building something amazing. Get more with Northwest Registered Agent at www. northwestregisteredagent.com slash confidence-free. If your anxiety, depression, or ADHD are more than a rough patch, you don't need just another meditation app. Takayatry makes it easy to see a psychiatrist online using your insurance in days.

Takayatry is 100% online psychiatry practice that provides comprehensive evaluations, diagnoses, and ongoing medication management for conditions. like ADHD, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, OCD, PTSD, insomnia, and more. Unlike therapy-only apps, psychiatry is psychiatry. That means you're seeing a medical provider who can diagnose mental health conditions and prescribe medication when it's appropriate. All their 600-plus clinicians are in network with major insurers so you can use your existing insurance instead of paying monthly subscriptions or out-of-network fees.

you'll meet with an experience licensed psychiatrist who takes the time to understand what's going on, build a personalized treatment plan, and can prescribe medication when it's right for you. Your care stays consistent and evidence-based. Head to tachiatry.com slash confidence and complete the short assessment to get matched with an in-network psychiatrist in just a few minutes. That's tachiatry.com slash confidence to get matched in minutes. And being daring is really being able to step out of your comfort zone. And I know that you work with people on helping them to do that. So how have you been able to do that so readily and how do you help people do that?

I wonder if I have done it so readily or if it's being hard. My mother used to say, to get me to do something, all she had to do was tell me it couldn't be done when I was a kid. And then it motivated you to go. go for. Yeah, I'd be like, really? So I think I've always been a possibility generation machine. Like, what would it take? Or how could that happen? Or what if I asked in a different way? I've always done that, but it's not, I don't want to give the impression it's being easy. Sometimes it's really scary and I push my edge. I think I'm willing to be uncomfortable. So as an example, I went to the Transformational Leadership Council retreat about a year ago in Montreal.

So this is for people who don't know, this is Jack Canfield and John Gray, Marianne Williamson used to be a member, Don Miguel Rewis, a lot of people from the secret, a part of this group. And I'm fortunate enough to be a member. And I was really starstruck. I often am. I really feel out of my element when I'm with. these people because I'm not there watching them speak. I'm there as a colleague. I'm like, like someone's got to find me out at some point. I was an imposter syndrome. And I noticed after the retreat that I made four requests that were really edgy for me. I asked Jack if he'd be

interested in writing a book together. And I'm pretty sure he gets a thousand offers a year. So that was edgy for me. I asked an Oscar winning producer who I just met what it would take to do a ride along the next time he's filming a movie. And I asked a woman I just met if she'd be interested in going to Columbia with me. So these were all edgy for me, but the insight I had at the end of it was these were all tough conversations, but my win had nothing to do with the result. If Jack says yes, that's a bonus. If she says yes to Columbia, it's a bonus.

The producer did say yes to the right. along, but I felt good about myself because I was self-expressed and I spoke up. That's the real win. Any results that come out of it are wonderful, but they're pure bonus. So you just, while you were explaining that, I was thinking of my, I just gave a TEDx talk a couple weeks ago. And right before I was going to go on, I went into pure panic mode, which has never happened to me. And the only way I could calm myself down, as I said, if you don't walk out there right now, you'll never forgive yourself. If you go out there and blow it, I'm going to be so proud of you.

And that was the push that I needed to take. It didn't matter how it went once I was in the circle. I just wanted to walk out to the circle and try. And so I totally agree with you. That's definitely how I get over my hurdles, whatever the fear could be in any moment. Yeah. I think we have this delusion that we think we're supposed to feel confident before we do something.

It's like, oh, I'll go and speak. when I'm feeling confident about it. Or look at that guy or that woman, they seem to have confidence. It's not hard for them. But for me, it's edgy to go and ask a woman out. Or for me, it's edgy to go and get up on stage. No, let's let that go.

The whole idea that you've got to have confidence first, I think it's about being willing to be uncomfortable. So don't wait until you can step into the cold shower and have that be easy and comfortable. Go and do it. it screaming and freaking out and breathing and being willing to be uncomfortable. And Dan, I always get these names confused. Dan, it's either Sullivan or Kennedy.

One of those Dan's talks about you need courage first. Just courage. Be uncomfortable. Go and do it before you have the confidence. See, when you first start doing something, you probably don't have a lot of competence. So therefore you don't have the confidence, the confidence, and that's natural. That's normal. All you need is the courage. Go and do it a bunch of times and you will develop the competence from that. Same with tough conversations. You develop your competence and then once you

have the competence, now you have the confidence and you won't need as much courage. But don't go around thinking, I'll wait until I have the competence or the confidence to do it. Now, you've got to be uncomfortable. It can feel terrible doing some of this stuff. I could not agree with you more. And for two decades, when I was in corporate America, I lived the very safe life where I didn't put myself out of my comfort zone. I didn't challenge myself to have a difficult conversation, a tough conversation, or to step into fear, to step into a TEDx circle or a big stage. And for the past two years, I discipline myself every single day to step into that fear. And it truly, does become easier over time because it becomes your new norm.

Again, the TEDx was my recent, real scary moment. So you can have those spikes of, oh, my gosh, here's fear. It's back again. Even though I've been getting better at this, you know, I kind of fell off the horse today. So I'm learning that it isn't just like a, you know, a natural climb. Yeah. I feel a little sad. I think it's such a shame that like when I get up on stage,

I don't look scared. I look like this often. But I can be so terrified once when I went on national television in Australia. I told you I was an entertainer. So I was playing guitar in pubs and parties. And I applied to go on our national gong show in Australia. I thought it would be good press for me. Bizarre, but okay.

Yeah, well, I was an entertainer, and I wanted to go on TV playing guitar. and singing so people could see what I was doing. And I wasn't a very good singer at all. So I'm backstage in the green room about to go on national television. And at the time, we only had five channels, five stations. So this was a big deal. And I'm wearing a kilt.

And I'm about to go and sing 500 miles by the proclaimers with a really bad Scottish accent. And I'm so scared that I'm going to get the notes wrong. I won't find the key. I'll forget the words. And I'm going to be seen by everybody I know. And I started to, I started to lose a little bladder control. Just a touch.

I think I lost three drops. Do you think that helped me relax or get even more terrified? More terrified. That now I'm going to pee myself a national television wearing a kilt. So don't look at people who are successful and just assume they don't have fear and they don't have to dig into their courage. I was so terrified. In fact, I had my overnight bag with me. I went and put on two extra pairs of underpants just in case.

And then I went on and I did the National Gong show. And if you search for Mr. Woody on YouTube, you'll probably find it. But there's an example of being willing to move through terror. Now, don't go too far. I don't want everyone to go out there and just overdo things and go into trauma because that's another thing. You've got to know when to say, am I pushing myself into the sweet spot where there's growth or am I pushing myself too far where I'm going to burn out and have trauma and

overwhelm? Do you think that happens often? I don't know anyone that lives like that. In trauma and overwhelm? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Really? It happens a lot. It happened for me because I consider myself the spiritual warrior and I thought there were no limits. And so one thing that I found is I was scared of abandonment because of my early childhood history. So some of my friends were doing open relationships and dating more than one person. And I was scared of it. And I thought, I'm going to lean into this. Can I love someone and keep an open heart when I'm terrible? terrified of abandonment. But I found, and also paragliding, I'd go and jump off a mountain in the pole and go up to 10,000 feet.

I didn't have any kind of calibration or awareness of what was too much for my body. And I went into anxiety and depression from dating open relationships. I found that that's just too much for me. Someone might go up on stage and might actually be traumatized by it. They might not be ready for a big stage. they might want to start with a small stage. Some people work too many hours, and they're burning themselves out. So I've coached people, and I've actually done it myself where I've gone and confessed to a crime and risked prison.

Now, you've got to be ready for that. Don't do that unless you've done the work and you're actually willing to go to prison for something you're confessing to. So it's very important. I'm all about pushing yourself, but you're the only one who can decide, just like a parent would with a child, how much pushing is good for the child, and when to say to the child, hey, you don't have to do that. You can do that when you're ready. To me, that sounds like having self-awareness, having boundaries to protect yourself, which is

critical in life. Yeah. I learned that the hard way. Oh my gosh, you really did. That was an eye-opening story there. I broke my back in Columbia last year. It's been a year now since I broke my back, paragliding. And I learned, like, wow, I've really got to, you know, be courageous.

That's great. But choose where I'm being courageous and how to manage my risk. I'm giving up my wing. I've touched the sky. I got away with it because I'm walking again. and yeah, you've got to know when's too much. So let's get back to the importance of tough conversations, how that affects confidence,

the role that that plays with fear and why tough conversations are so important because this is a topic that I've never addressed, nor have I even had dialogue around this. Yeah. You know, tough conversations are like the elephant in the room that no one's talking about. Sometimes we don't even see the elephant

because we just sweep it under the carpet. That's going to be too awkward. Let's not even think about it. So it's natural to avoid tough conversations. I get it. I'm not making anyone wrong for that. And there are good reasons to avoid the conversations. The main two that I've discovered is a fear of discomfort.

Again, we don't want to be uncomfortable or awkward or feel sad. or angry, and we don't want someone else feeling sad or angry or distancing themselves from us, because that'll feel uncomfortable too. So fear of discomfort is one reason, and the second reason that we avoid it is fear of loss. If I have a tough, if I confess to something, my partner may break up with me, or my boss might get annoyed at me and I'm not going to be included on that project anymore. I might lose my job. I might lose my freedom and go to prison.

So there are good reasons to avoid it and I get it, but I think what the brain is missing is the potential upside. We're not walking around assessing things objectively and saying, wait, there are three or four good reasons that I might want to have that conversation if someone could show me how to have it artfully. And here are some of the upsides. One, you get to feel self-expressed. as a kid, I wasn't very self-expressed. I didn't know it, but when it came to bullies, I didn't know how to speak to them. I didn't know how to stand up for myself.

When it came to girls, I didn't know how to ask them out. I had to talk to them. It felt horrible. So I've learned that self-expression in and of itself is a win, even if we don't get the results. Now, you mentioned a great benefit as well, which is related to that, which is confidence, which is another word for self-esteem.

So whenever I have a tough conversation, let's say nine times out of ten, I like myself more. And my confidence goes up because I have agency now, the ability to influence something. I'm speaking up. My voice matters.

There's dignity there. Even before we get to a result. So we got confidence and self-esteem another benefit is usually your connection with the other person will increase. Now it's true. You might have a train wreck and it might take a second round or a third round or they may have a reaction and it might take time for them to get over it. But usually, even if you disagree and they won't give you what you want,

the fact that I'm sharing my honest world and I'm getting their honest world, we're more connected. And then the fourth one is the obvious one. You can get amazing results out of having a tough conversation. You can ask someone who has a big audience if you can be on their stage. That's a tough conversation. You can ask a prospective client for their business. You know what's funny hearing you give those examples.

To me, those do not sound like tough conversations at all. And this is opening my mind to everybody views a tough conversation. conversation differently. To me, a tough conversation is to some is with someone I have an existing long lasting relationship with and we have a disagreement or an issue or like you said, an elephant in the room that we haven't been addressing for a while. The idea to me to ask someone if I could take a stage is whatever. It's no big deal at all. I don't even know the person. Like there's no, that doesn't sound challenging to me. But the idea of an intimate relationship where we haven't been addressing an issue, this is when I, when I'm,

I was in corporate America at the end of my run working at a company for 14 years, the man I had worked for, I had a very close relationship with. He was like a second father to me. He wasn't being honest with me that his sister was taking over the company. I saw a number of, you know, clues going on and I kept trying to bring it up softly because I could tell he didn't want to have the conversation. The angst and anxiety I went through during that year, because of that tough conversation that never really occurred, it was horrible. To me, that's a really tough conversation when I know someone doesn't want to sit down and be transparent and honest with me and I know they're in pain and I know I'm in pain and I'm

afraid of what that real answer is. That sounds horrible to me. Yeah, it sounds to me like the stakes were high for that conversation. You've got a connection. The person matters to you. They may have some kind of power over you if it's a boss or a partner or a parent. You know, there's a lot of power so that can increase the stakes. And another category of tough conversation for some people, what if you're on a plane and the person's bumping your seat behind you? That's really hard and difficult for me. What? Are you kidding me? Why wouldn't you just turn around and say knock it off? I've got history from being a kid and being picked on from kids behind me, chewing gum in the hair and stuff like it's slapping me over the head so i get triggered and it's

and it's an edge for me what if someone's you're you're on a train and someone's speaking really loud on the phone right or some kids are laughing and having you know whatever and and it's a quiet carriage or something like that those these things for a lot of people including me can be really tough conversations so you don't have to have a long-term relationship with some someone and you don't have to have a current relationship with someone. Another category is cleaning up things from the past. So one of my toughest was calling a bully from school from 30 years ago because I've been holding on to resenting him for 30 years and I'd finally decided to let it go and my coach suggested that it'd be more powerful if I had a direct interaction.

I said, you're kidding me. No, I'm not going to do it. It took quite a bit of coaching because I was afraid. I was afraid. I didn't even know what I was afraid of until the coach helped me see. I was afraid that he would think I was a total idiot and would judge me for making a phone call like that. What happened? I'm dying to know. What happened is I, once I found out what I was afraid of, I had access to making the call because I realized, ah, that's what's, that's what I'm afraid of. And my coach said, why don't you lead with that? So I called him. and I said, I'm so nervous to have this call because I'm worried you're going to think I'm a complete idiot. And he said, well, I'm curious now. What is it? What's going on? And I told him, I felt like you

won up to me all through school. And I tried to do the same to you, but you were better at it. And I just, I've resented you for 30 years and I'm letting it go. Like life's too short. I wanted to let you. I wanted to let you know. And then he said the most amazing thing. This is this jerk that I went to school with said, what can I say or do now to help you or us to move forward? That was wonderful. It transformed my reality.

That's the fifth benefit of a tough conversation. Whatever you think is real can shift with a tough conversation. So it was not just now in my world, this jerk was a caring person. But my subconscious started running that through going, well, who else in the world that I thought was a jerk could be a caring person? It just totally opened my reality. Wow. That's a really profound. It sounded crazy to me.

You were making that phone call. I have to tell you. Yeah. You know, I mean, that's just wild because it's so from so long ago. It's so interesting it had that powerful, positive impact on your life. Well, I'd call this black belt moves. So if you're just starting out in tough conversations, no need to do that. No need to do what another client did, which is to go and confess to a burglary that he committed when he was 15, right?

I've confessed to a crime myself. You don't have to go that far. I called a girlfriend from high school days who'd broken up with me twice and given me the cold shoulder. twice and I'd always hated her for that. Called her, completed it. That's black belt stuff. You don't have to do that. You can start with the small things,

speaking up with your current partner, your current boss. I'd call it black belt level. It would go back and start cleaning up the past. Huge benefit to it, but you want to develop your skills on some easier things before you go for the huge ones. And everybody's easy is going to,

to look different, right, depending on what they're comfortable with. Right. Some things that might be easy for me. You might go, no, I'm not going to do that one. So again, don't traumatize yourself. Just push yourself into that sweet spot where you're growing and it's a bit uncomfortable, but it's not totally, not totally traumatic. I had a podcast interview yesterday or the day before and the host was like, there's a bully that I have hated for years, and I think I'm going to consider calling that guy. Like, what? He's like, yeah, I've held onto it for so long,

and I can imagine the freedom. If I can have that conversation, then what else could I do in my life? Starting the year with a wardrobe refresh, Quince has you covered with Lux Essentials that feel effortless and look polished, They're perfect for layering, mixing, and building a wardrobe that lasts. Their versatile styles make it easy to reach for them day after day. Quince has all the staples covered, from soft Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like designer pieces without the markup, to 100% silk tops and skirts for easy dressing up to perfectly cut denim for everyday wear.

Their wardrobe essentials are crafted to last season after season. Their Italian wool coats are real standouts. They're beautifully tailored, soft to the touch, and built to carry you through years of wear, not just one season. The quality shows in every detail, the stitching, the fit, the fabrics. Every piece is thoughtfully designed to be your new wardrobe essential. And like everything from quince, each piece is made from premium materials in ethical trusted factories that are priced far below what other luxury brands charge. I can't tell you how much I am loving my new cashmere sweater. It's a staple for sure, and I can't wait to give one to.

to my best friend for her birthday this year. It is timeless, gorgeous, and the softest thing I've ever touched. Which quince pieces are you interested in it? I mean, from the bags to the denim, to the sweaters, to the jackets, they're all incredible luxury high-end products without the high-end price. Refresh your wardrobe with quince. Don't wait. Go to quince.com slash confidence for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash confidence to get free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash confidence. Yeah. That sounds very liberating. Have you ever seen, because I want to give you the flip side of this, what if one time somebody calls the bully and the bullies mean and the person regresses? I mean, is there ever that downside of having the conversation that's something worse?

I mean, that's just what my mind's going to. What if something negative came from that call? Yeah, well, this is why it's a tough conversation. They're tough because there's some kind of fear of loss and discomfort. You can't control it. So it takes vulnerability. What I'm risking and calling him is total judgment of him saying, you're a dickhead and you're a loser.

You know, he could have said all sorts of stuff like that. one thing that helped is I gave up needing anything from him. I wanted to share my experience and that I was letting it go. I was not demanding an apology. Therefore, I was not really at his mercy. All I really wanted from him was he's listening. Now I got a bonus out of it. Had he said, you're a loser, don't call me with this kind of stuff.

And by the way, in maybe a hundred calls that I've done, I don't think that's happened once. It just hasn't happened. If you do it artfully, if you follow the four steps and we can give you listeners the blueprint that they can download, you're going to take ownership. You're not going to be dumping it on them. When you did this, I felt this. This was my experience. And then I'm letting it go. For example, I'm not blaming him.

Now, had I started with blaming him for a bunch of stuff, that's asking for a train wreck. But because I'd done it artfully, it didn't happen. I've had one conversation that I can remember, one tough conversation that was a train wreck. It was horrible. And I got coaching before I had the conversation, and I've asked four or five people after it

if I could have done it better. No one could see a better way. It was someone I'd invited a group of people to come to my party, my birthday party, because I liked almost everybody in the group. There was one person I was a bit uncomfortable with, and someone said, including her, and I was like, oh, damn, I don't want her at my party.

I had to look at my integrity. I don't want her there. She tends to grab a lot of attention, and I want her to be being my night. I'm like, what am I going to do with that? I don't want to uninvite her. That's rude. I don't want to uninvite the whole group,

because I want most of them. I'm going to have to talk with her. And so I had a conversation and I shared my issue. I said, I want this to be my night and sometimes the attention's on you. And, you know, can we have a signal? Like, I want you to come. You're invited. We have a signal.

If I feel like something's too much, you're taking all the attention, there's a signal to tone it down. And if that doesn't work for you, okay, maybe it's not a fit. But I laid it out on the line. And she thought about it and got back to me and said, that doesn't feel good to me. I'm not going to come. So it was actually a good, positive right outcome. But she didn't feel good about the call and we haven't had any conversation since,

which actually I think is also appropriate because we're not friends and I don't want to be friends. But that's like one of the worst outcomes that I felt like I had. And even that was probably what was supposed to happen. Yeah, I don't think that's a bad outcome because to me, what I hear was you didn't really like being around her. So I think it's possible. I mean, it's a much better situation probably for both of you. But again, I wanted her to be happy.

I wanted her to feel empowered and be happy. I didn't get that. But I guess I did get the outcome that I wanted in the end, which was her. She had the option to come under certain guidelines, and she chose not to. So actually, yeah, that probably was a good outcome. But my point is, if you do it responsibly and you follow the four steps in the blueprint, your chances of having a good outcome are much higher. And what are the four steps?

Four steps. Well, firstly, you do, we'll call it step zero, as you do the worksheet that comes with the download. And that'll help you prepare and understand what you're hoping will come out of it. You'll understand what you're afraid of. If there's a request to make, you'll write that down. So you get all these powerful things out of the worksheet.

And then, step one, ask permission. Don't just launch into this stuff with somebody and blindside them, give them a little bit of context. Hey, can we talk for about 10 minutes about the latest company policy? My hope is that we'll be on the same page and that I'll feel much better about the policy or that there'll be a change that's made. So you're asking permission and that's where you'll slip in your hope from the worksheet. Step two, and this is optional, share your fear or concern.

with this bully, that's what gave me the freedom to speak, to say, I'm worried about this. So you might say to your boss, I'm hesitant to bring it up because I don't want to be the squeaky wheel. In fact, you've already said no to it. And I want to have round two. So I'm, I'm hesitant that I'm going to get you offside or annoy you. And I think it's worth bringing it up again. You're kind of being, you're preemptive now. You're letting them know what you're afraid of. And you're telling them, I'm on my edge here. This is a bit edge. for me. They're going to listen from a different place. Step three, this is where you share whatever your issue is. I want to change the company policy. I'm upset about this. When you did this,

I felt hurt. Whatever it is, you share it. And then if you have a request, this is a great place to bring it. My request is we change the company policy. My request is we start a committee to do this. Or my request is you give me a chance to earn your trust back because I'm really sorry. Whatever it is, give them something they can actually do rather than just dumping a bunch of stuff. And then step four, this is where you get curious and you listen. Because we want tough conversations. We don't want tough monologues. So I'm a control freak. I want to go in, wrap it up in a bow, get what I want and get out. I don't want to feel uncomfortable. But step four is where you really, you might say something like,

thanks for listening. Now I want to hear how that lands for you. What are your ideas? Do you have a better idea than this? How is it for you to hear all that? Then you shut up and listen. And you might negotiate something that's better than what you came up with. They might have another idea. What if the person, what if you go through all these steps, which makes perfect sense to me and you handle the conversation artfully, masterfully, and then the person says, well, I'm just going to have to get back to you. And then crickets, they don't say anything. And you don't hear back from them. Someone said to me, I'm going to have to get back to you. I might say something like, thank you. Yeah, take some time to let this sit. I've had, I've had a month to dwell on this.

So think about it. And what kind of time frameworks for you? Shall we say, like, you know, we could keep it open ended, but just so we can close a loop on this, how long do you want? That's good. Yeah, I definitely like that. Yeah. Or I might just leave it with them for a few days and then get back. Do you want to close the loop on that? I'm just curious what's percolating. Touch base. They might not have anything that they want to say. And that's okay too. But what's critical is that we give them the option and they're invited. And I really do want to know how this lands for them. You don't want to create another tough conversation for them by just dumping all this stuff on them and then running. you, if there is a reaction, you want to find out what the impact is and give them a chance to move

through it. They might feel defensive. Okay, great. Tell me about it. Oh, I can get that. Yeah, I might feel defensive too if someone said that. Like the woman who I didn't want at my party, right? She didn't feel good. I said, I can get that. I don't think I'd feel good either if someone said that about me. If somebody wanted me to signal that. Yeah. Someone said, Often you're too much and you take all the attention in the room, that might be hard to hear. So how do you identify a tough conversation? Because one of the things you're opening my mind to is that there might be tough conversations I need to have out there that I'm just not even paying attention to or aware of.

I'm so glad you said that. See, this is one of the tricks with me choosing this as my specialty. Most people aren't walking around going, I've got six tough conversations to have. and I'm just not sure the best way to have them. Usually people can find one, but what they can find more easily is problems. So one way to identify your tough conversations, get a sheet of paper,

write down anybody on the left-hand column who you don't feel 100% wonderful with or who you might complain about someone else to. I just thought, okay, I've got an assistant and recently, recently, and hello, love you, if you're listening to this, recently she's been sick,

and I had a lot of complaints. And so that would be an example, like, oh, there's a tough conversation to have because I have a complaint here with this person. The reporting wasn't happening the way I wanted, so it's like, we have to have a conversation about that. So list on the left,

who are the people you don't feel 100% wonderful with or might complain about to someone else. And then on the right hand side, what's the issue? They're too arrogant. Or I don't feel respected by them. Or something they're doing bugs me. Or he needs a shower. Or I have a confession with this person.

I'm not saying you have to go and have all these conversations, but this is how you can start to identify the conversations that are waiting to happen. Then you might pick a couple, circle a couple that you're ready to go. and go and try the four-step blueprint with. And as you get more confidence with it, you might be like, I'm going to keep going through this list. And you can work your way up to the harder ones. And if some are really too hard, like you really cannot see the path.

And particularly if it's going to involve some legal consequences or your partner breaking up with you and taking the kids or losing your job, you might want to get some coaching first. Do some role playing to make a huge difference. You want to learn all your insights before the conversation, if you can. You don't want to have the conversation and then realize later, now I know how I could have avoided a train wreck. Yeah, that would be an epic fail.

Yeah, a little bit of prep in event. For example, I went and did a conversation with some business partners. I was frustrated feeling like they haven't done enough. I want more out of them. So I did it pretty well. I created a video and sent it to them like a one. one-sided beginning of a conversation. But had I had a little prep, a little coaching, I could have stepped into their shoes first and realized that they could be thinking,

well, dude, if you want more from us, you could ask for it. Instead of getting frustrated and telling us we're doing something wrong, you could just ask. If I'd just open my mind and seen that beforehand, I could have thrown that into the video. For you guys, you guys might be thinking, why is this guy frustrated? He hasn't even asked us for anything. thing, right? You could just seem like, like this seems crazy and I totally understand that. And I notice I've been feeling frustrated, so I'm asking now. I could have just preempted that because one of them did get a bit defensive and a little bit of coaching could have just taken that off the tape. I find it so interesting that you as this master coach, you yourself get illicit

coaching from somebody else. I think that that's really powerful. Yeah, because it's tough for me, partly because I can't see the whole board. I can't see the whole picture. I'm triggered. I'm worried about someone getting defensive or I'm worried about being upset at my own party or whatever. I'm kind of got tunnel vision. And someone outside me can listen to that.

So when I listen to a client, they tell me what the issue is. And I'm listening for, what are you worried about? I'm listening for what's the benefit of having this conversation? Why would we even bother? And I'm listening for, what's the other person probably thinking? And then we'll do a role play and we'll switch and I'll be the person who has the tough conversation

and they'll be their friend or their boss or whatever. And I'll speak all these things using the four steps. And they go, wow. But I'm outside them. So I was able to hear what's underneath and then make it explicit in the conversation. So sometimes, I mean, the four step blueprint can take. you maybe 80% of the way most of the time. But when it's still tricky or scary, coach can help you work out why it's scary and find the path through it. So where can everyone

get the blueprint? Where can they find you and find potential more coaching from you? Thank you. Playforreal.life is my website. Playforreal.com. And three invitations I have for you. One, download the blueprint. It's a free download. Secondly, if something's resonated for you in this conversation and you're seriously interested in up-leveling your life and your business or career, see if you qualify for a discovery session with me. And if you do, I won't charge you for it. We'll create a plan for your life and business. And you might want to go and implement that on your own or you might want to work with me on it. And the other thing is, my podcast is now live after 10 months of preparation.

So tough conversations with David Wood, you can join me and listen to me as well as Heather. Love that. Excellent. Well, thank you so much, David. I know how busy you are. I know how many tough conversations you're tackling as a ninja all around the world. So I appreciate your time and being here today. You're welcome.

Thank you, Heather. All right. And we'll be right back. Okay, so one of the things that I see others working, on or an opportunity for others to work on is to hold the pen when telling your story. And this takes me back to University of Miami Law School this week and some of the feedback that I was giving to students, which is if you're not on LinkedIn yet, if you're not being forward leaning with your LinkedIn profile, update your picture. Make sure you have a professional

image. Update your bio. Ask for reviews and recommendations of your work. This is the society that we live in today. This speaks volumes for your business. for you, for your value proposition. You've got to differentiate yourself as unique. You've got to really be able to nail the why you. And LinkedIn's such a great place to do that. And no, this is not an ad for LinkedIn. I just want to help you. This has been such an unbelievable revenue driver for me, for my business. And it's such a great growth platform right now. Instagram used to be fast growing. It is not now. It is very difficult to grow on Instagram. So, you know, again, we always want to grow our email list. We want to grow our site traffic. We want to grow our business. But some really

great organic ways to do that is through LinkedIn. So get intentional about the message that you want to share and be consistent. I remember four years ago was when I really got intentional. This is when I was still in corporate America about bringing my message to market. I look back now and see the post that I used to put up. They're so different and more stock. Like, like I would use a lot of stock images of business meetings or whatever. I don't know. But it's really evolved to now I'm just more real me. And it's been, that's an evolution that didn't happen overnight.

It didn't happen necessarily by design, but it happened by me becoming more comfortable and by taking small steps forward. So that's what I would encourage you to do is take those small steps forward today to show up a bit more as the real you. when you do that, you inevitably end up weeding out the people that you're not supposed to be with, even though in the moment that can seem like a micro challenge, and I tell you I am right there with you. But I'm constantly reminding myself, the more I'm the real me, and I ask for what I really, truly want, which I know I deserve and should be getting, the people that are not meant for me will fall away.

and the people that are meant to be with me will show up. It will happen. And you've got to have that faith. And I was speaking to a good friend who's going through a difficult contract negotiation, and this person is an absolute all-star. But I could tell it's been really trying on her that she's second-guessing herself. But she stopped and said to me, listen, I'm going to lean on my faith and I'm going to lean on me. I'm good and I'm better than good.

I deserve this. And if these people don't want me, there will be somebody else. well. And it's all about moving forward with that faith and moving forward that we don't know what tomorrow holds. And that idea that there's uncertainty, well, uncertainty means anything is possible. We haven't figured it out yet. And we might be in that window of that micro challenge today. But that means that there is that macro opportunity tomorrow as long as we're showing up as ourselves and asking for what we want. And as Sarah Hap shared on my show a few weeks ago asking for the sun, the moon, and the stars because that is exactly what we deserve,

and you deserve that too. If you love true crime podcast, podcast one is the perfect destination. We've got two awesome true crime podcasts trending right now, and you have to check them out. First up, based on the iconic series on A&E, cold case files, explore some of the most difficult to solve murders which stymied investigators and went cold, sometimes for decades. Next up, autopsy is the latest podcast from Reels and Podcast 1. Every episode takes you in-depth celebrity deaths and their true cause. Check out both cold case files and autopsy. They're going to be your next favorite true crime podcast. Be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Podcasts, Podcasts, and many of your favorite podcast listening apps. And if you haven't subscribed to my show yet, please subscribe

now and please leave a review. Reviews help so much in getting my show ranked and getting it shared with others. So if you want to share my show on social media, tag me, I will repost it and be able to thank you. And if you could please leave a review on my show, on Apple podcast, or anywhere you find podcasts, even on Spotify now, and send me a DM with the Screamshot. I will buy you my $299 confidence creator video course, which has unbelievable feedback, just as a way to say big thank you, big support. Thank you so much for your support. It means the world to me. So until next week, let's keep creating confidence.