Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan - #461: The Secret to Happiness & It’s Not What You Think With Heather!

Episode Date: September 11, 2024

In This Episode You Will Learn About:  Why forgiveness is the SECRET for happiness How to fast-track deeper connections The ONE habit that can transform your SUCCESS The KEY to living in the present How taking responsibility INSTANTLY improves your life Resources: Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at shopify.com/monahan Kajabi is offering a free 30-day trial to start your business if you go to Kajabi.com/confidence Get your KPI Checklist, absolutely free, at NetSuite.com/MONAHAN.  Want to do more and spend less like Uber, 8x8, and Databricks Mosaic? Take a free test drive of OCI at oracle.com/MONAHAN. Get 15% off your first order on www.jennikayne.com when you use code CONFIDENCE15 at checkout. Go to ro.co/confidence, and pay just $99 for your first month. Call my digital clone at 201-897-2553!  Visit heathermonahan.com Reach out to me on Instagram & LinkedIn Sign up for my mailing list: heathermonahan.com/mailing-list/  Overcome Your Villains is Available NOW! Order here: https://overcomeyourvillains.com  If you haven't yet, get my first book Confidence Creator Show Notes:  What’s REALLY holding you back from the life you want? It’s not just about working harder—you need to EMBRACE empathy, forgiveness, and TRUST the journey. When you let go of grudges, you open up space for growth. Holding onto the past only blocks the good things waiting for you. In relationships, empathy and active listening build trust and deeper connections. If you trust the process, you face challenges with confidence, knowing everything works out in the end. Embrace forgiveness this week and radiate positivity to attract POSITIVITY and SUCCESS.

Come on this journey with me. Each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity, and set you up for a better tomorrow. I'm ready for my close-up. Hi and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me this week. Okay, this has been an incredible week and I want to encourage you, not every week in my life is like this for sure. I wish it was. Oh my gosh, it would be so, so exciting and fun. But it literally was like miracles, especially one day this week. Every time I picked up the phone, every time I opened an email, it was just incredible. So I want to encourage you because not every week is like this, which means this could

be your week that is going to be so amazing. And so I'm so hyped for you. So putting that out there for you. I think that we all get busy. We all struggle with not seeing things come to fruition as readily as we would like them to. I know I do, right? I get discouraged. And you start wondering, is this ever going to happen? And maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree. And maybe this concept isn't meant for me. I just want you to know that things take time, great things take a little bit longer, right? We know that. What is interesting

is two really big things happened in my life, in my business. One of them came together out of thin air and happened so fast it almost felt like it was reckless. It was wild and it's been incredible, right? That's one partnership that I just formed. Gosh, it's only been two weeks and it feels like it's been a year. We are so close already and I'm gonna get into more those details soon. However, and I'm gonna be on the West Coast a heck of a lot more now, so it's super exciting. West Coast, I'm coming back for you next week. So here's the thing, the other one, the other one that's actually in my mind had been one of these goals, like major when I got fired, like, Oh my gosh, if I could achieve this, this,

I'll know I really made it right. Kind of a thing. So for seven years I've had it in my mind that I wanted to do it. I'll say that the last two years I've been aggressively like doing the work. Well I mean really the whole time I've been working towards it but been meeting with the other side and doing different things together to see it test and try and see if we could work out something. Anyhow I'm not at liberty to announce yet but I will next month. It came to fruition this week and it's so wild to see because my iPhone reminded me that one year ago today, I was on this trip and I was actually working on this partnership,

on trying to bring this partnership together. And when I saw the pictures this week, it was just so serendipitous that it actually came together a full year after a project that we were initially working on and really a couple years after we started talking about these things. So good things take time, great things take a little bit longer, and to that point that

other partnership I just shared with you came together in two seconds flat, right? So it came out of left field. Just because we think things should go one way doesn't mean they're actually gonna go that way. Be open-minded to that intro could happen this week just like what happened for me, you know, a month ago and suddenly could be in a new partnership with a co-founder of a new company in two weeks flat. Things can change that quickly. But I also don't want you to get discouraged

if you've been working on something for a long time, like I had been on this other one, and really nothing had been happening. And it was frustrating. I really started questioning, like, is this ever going to happen? And then suddenly, everything just fell into line. So we can't predict the future. We don't know exactly how it's all gonna turn out.

We just have to have faith that we're moving towards that right goal, that we're doing good. And I'm gonna tell you, a lot of the stuff that I've been doing to bring this partnership, or at least my piece of it, into play, I was doing a lot of stuff for free. A lot of it was a risk, right?

I was investing a lot of myself, you know, spending money to do things that I thought were going to bring this partnership into existence. And listen, it all paid off. It doesn't mean it always does pay off, right? Because, and I've shared this with you a few times, like I have a failed skincare line, I have a failed clothing line three times over.

I put money, time, and resources into things that haven't panned out yet, yet. I believe they will resources into things that haven't panned out yet. Yet. I believe they will one day. They haven't panned out yet. But I also know as long as you take some type of a learning from it, as long as you're doing good work and moving towards something you believe in that you think is that next right thing, doesn't mean it's going to work out every time exactly what you think, but just stay open to it's leading you to that right place. Have faith that the best is yet to come. Have faith that you're moving in that next right direction and doing that next right good thing and have faith that it's all going to work out and it will.

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than 50,000 followers. Right now, Kajabi is offering a free 30 day trial to start your business. If you go to kajabi.com slash confidence, that's K-A-J-A-B-I dot com slash confidence kajabi.com slash confidence and join the creators and entrepreneurs who have made over $7 billion. I'm just so excited about it right now. I can't even like contain myself. It's just, I'm sure you understand this when you work so hard for something for so long

and then it actually happens and you're like, what? Oh my gosh. It's just, you gotta believe, you what oh my gosh it's just you gotta believe you have to believe that it's actually gonna happen and um know that it will have faith that it will okay so super hyped about that i can't wait to give you more details on it and i will for sure tell you the whole thing next month once it's publicly announced i will let you know but you're gonna be super excited and i already am super excited. So, and I'm excited for you. I'm excited. This is going to be your big week ahead and that there's miracles right around

the corner for you and that something great is going to come into your life and things could change so much. You know, I was just, like I mentioned that one year ago photo, my life is so different today than it was one year ago. And one year ago I'd give anything to be sitting in a seat. I'm sitting in right now. Right? So be grateful for you are be present in this moment right now. Enjoy where it is and know that it's working towards something even

better in your future. Your future you thanks you for the work you're putting in today. Okay, so a couple of things happened this week that I wanted to share with you. One was a friend of mine reached out to me going through a hard time in her relationship and I was listening, you know, I was letting her empty her glass of course and I could just hear the tension in her voice. You know when you hear someone or it's us right we're just living, we're irate and you could just hear someone's on edge. So I could hear her voice that she was

really on edge and very frustrated and super stressed out. Right? You could hear it. You know that feeling? And so I was listening to her because I could tell she really needed some empathy. Right? But I also know this. I am direct and sometimes it can be hard for other people, but this is one of my dearest friends. So she's known me her whole life. So I have to believe that when she called me she knew I would give her a truth bomb whether she wanted it or not. Now there's plenty of different ways to do that. At first we let people share what they have to say, get whatever it is off their chest because oftentimes that's going to help them feel better.

One of the closest ways to feel love is to actually feel that you're being heard and there's science to back that. There's a study at Harvard that shows that and this is actually goes back to sales and when I did teach on sales at Harvard, mind you, we use that study and it just shows that when you are actively listening to and empathizing and understanding and having compassion for another person, it allows that person truly feel loved. And that is such an important thing, right? So when someone does open up to you,

put everything else down, put the phone down, right? Be fully present and allow them to empty their glass. And that's really gonna help them to feel so much better and feel connected. Okay, so I was letting her do that and I was listening to her and I did feel bad. I could hear the tension and upset in her voice and it made me feel so bad for her.

We've all been there, right? Like we all have those days that just feel like nothing's going right and you're on very little sleep and you're under deadlines and your relationship's a mess or whatever it may be. The other thing I wanna note is that this stuff happens over time, right?

It didn't happen over a week. This has been happening over years. It wasn't a new relationship. This is something that was happening over a long period of time, frustrations start running high and then of course there's always a straw that breaks the camel's back. And so I'm listening to her and finally at the end she says, you know what, well just don't even worry about it.

Like obviously we're gonna work it out, things are gonna get better and they always do. Which she's right, they always do. And no relationship is perfect 24 seven, just that doesn't exist, right? I don't know any marriage that's like that. And so I totally agreed with her. And then I asked her, I said,

are you open to some feedback? And I love that line, like asking, right? Asking permission before you jump in, are you open to some feedback on this? And she said, yeah, sure. And so the first thing I asked is, have you gone to therapy? She had, but she said, you know,

at this point that they feel like they had exhausted that avenue, they had done it enough and things had gotten better for a while, right? But now here they were just having like a little breakdown. And so I said, well, I have another idea for you. If you don't like the situation you're in, and the situation is not new, that means you need to change your behavior, right? And this person was definitely looking at the other person, right? The fingers were pointing out, and I can understand why.

Like I get it, right? There was a lot of things going on there that just were annoying or felt like could be fixed easily. But if the other person's not fixing it, then you have to say, okay, what we're doing is not working. If we aren't happy with that, we want to keep the relationship, of course, how can we fix it? If pointing the fingers at that person is not the answer,

because it currently is not working, we need to try a different approach. And so I said, listen, maybe this might not be what you thought you were gonna hear from me today or what you wanted to hear from me today. However, I guarantee if you try it, you're gonna have a different outcome. And I know you want a different outcome, correct?

And she said, yeah, of course I want a different outcome. I don't want to, I just want him to change, right? Like I don't want to do this anymore. I want him to fix this, whatever it is. It was just so funny and I get it. Oh my gosh, I so get it. And PS, I'm not married, right? So it's like yeah, I'm probably the wrong person to be coming to for advice, but I do know one of my dearest friends who's got the most incredible marriage in the world, I'm certain on some levels something similar, she would say something similar to this. You can't just keep pointing the finger at that person

and telling them what they should be doing and how they're doing everything wrong and how upset you are with them. That is not going to change the behavior. We need to reward the behaviors that we want, right? So another example of that is like, you don't wanna say to your kid when they're leaving for school,

don't speak on the phone the whole time. Don't speed don't do this Right, that's just putting more negativity and putting that idea more and more in their head Instead you want to do the opposite right? You want to say like I hope you have a peaceful drive to school today I hope God watches over you and you're safe and have an amazing morning Remember last week. What a great job you did driving to school every day. I'm so proud of you, keep up the good work. You wanna encourage the behavior

that you see and want in others. Goes back to sales too, like when you have a sales team, reward the behavior you want. When people do the things you're asking them, praise them. But it's no different in a relationship. A lot of the stuff that we do in business at works can be applied to our personal life. And I think you should, or I encourage you to, I certainly try to.

Pointing the finger at that other person wasn't working. Okay. We know that. She tried it for a long time, has been failing, even though it seems simple to her, it's not working. So my suggestion was try this approach instead of pointing the finger at him, point the finger at you and ask yourself what you can do differently. And here's where I would start. I would own you know, where you are, like put yourself in that other person's shoes. Like I'm sure it's hard to hear all the time that you do everything wrong. I'm sure it's hard to hear

why you suck every day, right? Like I'm sure at this point, you just feel like you're being berated all the time. And that probably doesn't feel good. I don't think I would like that, right? I'm sure you're feeling over time like that. I'm better than you that you're less than me. Like that's not nice That's not positive, right? So when you can find some empathy for that person and I'm not saying it's easy right when you're upset with someone frustrated with a situation But try you know try to step away from it for a moment, give yourself some space. And that's another important thing is like,

do whatever it takes for you to find happiness. Like maybe go for a workout, go out with your friends, read a book, whatever it is, go outside for a walk. Do something that's gonna make you feel better, more calm or happier so that you can kind of separate from the anger and upset first to get a clear head. Pause, right? Don't react, we always respond with all the class and grace within us.

So kind of like pump the brakes on the whole situation. Give yourself some space. Find some happiness for yourself. Point the finger at yourself instead of at the other person and make the decision to put yourself in their shoes and imagine how hard it would be to be in their situation. And then flip the script do it differently So my suggestion to her was this once you have some happiness in your life

Once you have some empathy for him in his situation and once you've given yourself some space from the fighting and arguing Start to notice and reward the behaviors you do like in that person Maybe there's not a million right now, right? Cuz you're still you know connected to what's been going on recently, but there's a reason why you married that person. Maybe there's not a million right now, right? Cause you're still connected to what's been going on recently, but there's a reason why you married that person. There's a reason why you want to stay in that marriage. Like there's a lot of good, right? There sure is.

I know these people, they're great people and they're amazing. So start focusing on those things. Start praising the behaviors you like that are happening. Yes, I understand there's a bunch that aren't happening that you don't like, but instead of shining a light and magnifying that, let's magnify the ones you do like. And if you can only do it for 30 days, do it for 30 days. And if you can only do it for seven days, do it for seven days. But create a finite

window where you're going to try this different approach to see if it delivers a different outcome. So I asked her, I said, do you think you can do that? And she was like, oh gosh, you know, I don't know. The thing is, it's a choice, right? All starts with us. And it's really empowering because if you don't like the situation you're in, you're frustrated with it and you want it changed, putting yourself in charge of the change instead of the other person

who's not giving you the results you want, that's empowering. You're like, oh my gosh, I'm taking my power back. Instead of complaining to somebody all day long and pointing a finger at them, I'm pointing a finger at me and talking about what I can do differently. I know I trust myself to do something differently.

I know I'll deliver on it. That's like, oh my gosh, I'm hyped. Let's go. I can totally do this. So when you do that and you say for the next seven days, 30 days, whatever it is, I am only going to praise behaviors. I see that this person is exhibiting that are positive and worthy of positive feedback and gratitude and I'm gonna focus on all the

things I'm grateful about this person. I'm gonna go through my old cards and find the ones that I loved and mention it to that person. I'm going to notice these little things that this person made the bed, made dinner or like whatever it is, picked the kid up from school school things that maybe normally you would just kind of like take As normal but now you're gonna say I'm gonna praise it. So it's a complete 180 approach from I'm going to vilify and point out all the negative things and things that haven't happened that I want it to happen but instead I'm going to praise and Approach from a place of gratitude all the things that I do like that are happening.

It's a huge pivot and it's simply a choice, right? It's a choice to empower yourself. So I mean, I can tell you that if she does this for seven days, she's going to see a completely different relationship. Like it's really is that simple. The hardest part is coming to grips with your own mind about letting go of the way you have been doing it, the fighting and the pointing fingers and the blaming and choosing to shift to the gratitude.

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This is something that I've been seeing come up a lot lately is that it's so important to forgive. A great example of forgiveness for me is like the woman that fired me, right? She never asked me to forgive her. I've never spoken to her again since she fired me. But for a long time, I hung on to blame and anger against her and I wanted to see her fail and I was like watching the stock price drop and Googling her. And then I realized I'm giving this lady all my energy.

I'm wasting time, energy and effort to go to a negative place that isn't benefiting me at all. I need to change this because it's not helpful for me. So when I decided to do that, I thought maybe I'll start from a place of forgiveness. Even though she didn't ask me, I'm offering her forgiveness because I can't imagine, like I put myself in her shoes. It's probably hard to work side by side with me, right? Like I definitely take a ball out of space. I definitely like over the top loud. I'm like a super type A overachiever.

Like I'm always trying to, you know, go out, do everything. Working side by side with someone like that can be challenging when you feel like you don't get your praise or you're not getting seen enough. I'm sure for sure that had to be hard. Right. And I never thought about that. And so I decided to give her a lot of empathy and a lot of forgiveness around, it must have been hard to work next to me for all those years and feel like she didn't get her dues or whatever it may be, and that, yeah, I can forgive her for firing me. Probably was intimidating and probably didn't feel

great having me there all the time. And it probably wasn't a personal attack, it was probably a self-saving move for her so that she could put herself in a better position to feel better. And you know what, I get that. And I think that that probably was the right move. Well, gosh, for sure it was the right move for me, and I'm sure it was for her too.

So I can forgive her when I come from that place. But again, it was hard at first when all the emotions were running high, right? Like it took a little bit of time for me to calm down, find my own happiness, separate from that, give myself space, and then offer forgiveness. But once I did that, I stopped stalking her on Google. I stopped putting ill will out there and negativity. And I started feeling better and I put that energy towards positive things and towards

myself. Right? So take your power back by offering forgiveness to others. When you are blaming and attacking, your wounds will never heal. That goes for, you know, my friend and her marriage relationship or, you know, me and my working situation or with kids or with best friends. It doesn't matter. Right? The more we blame and attack, the more we're holding an inability for ourselves to heal and get better. The more we love and forgive and offer forgiveness,

the more we heal. So why wouldn't we want to get better? Why wouldn't we want to heal? Why wouldn't we want to be the best versions of ourselves? The more we let go of the past and live in the present, the easier it is. We can't change the past, but we certainly can change today and moving forward. And if you haven't liked the way some things have been going, maybe it's time to start offering forgiveness. And so, you know, that was one of the other things is that when you're struggling with someone and blaming them and just fighting it, you know, circling the drain, like just going round and round, but not going anywhere, all that energy is going towards nothing. It's just bringing negativity in your life. Be the one that offers

a forgiveness. And then once you do that, you start healing, you start feeling better. And again, this is all a you versus you game, right? You start shining your light, you start feeling happier, you start moving towards and attracting more positive things and better opportunities and more success in life because you feel better and you just will. So, you know, that was one of the things that I offered to her. And then, you know, the next thing or next step of that is once you do offer forgiveness to others, you know, that was one of the things that I offered to her. And then, you know, the next thing or next step of that is once you do offer forgiveness to others, you need to forgive the most important person, yourself. Because so often, that's what we're really struggling from is until we forgive those around us, we can't really offer ourselves forgiveness.

And once you do that, that is some major healing, that is some major self-love. Nobody's perfect. Everybody has made mistakes out here. And so Jesus died for our sins and because of Him, you are forgiven and you are perfect. And yes, you've made mistakes, but you are forgiven now. And to know that and to have that ultimate love from God, to me is just such a powerful, incredible blessing and what a gift. So I hope maybe that that can help you. And there's actually a prayer, I have to look for it. It's a Hawaiian prayer about forgiveness. You can Google Hawaiian

forgiveness prayer and I'll try to find it too. But it's all about like a mantra that you say over and over again about forgiveness. And there's nothing bad about that. Right? Like I always say, if there's trying something has a downside like taking a pill, like, oh my gosh, you could get sick and you could lose your blood pressure and all. Okay. There's downside to those things. There's no downside to reading a forgiveness prayer. Nothing bad will come out of that.

I guarantee it. Right? All you're going to do is feel better about you. All you're going to do is heal yourself more and all you're going to do is feel better about you. All you're going to do is heal yourself more. And all you're going to do is put more love and forgiveness out there for others. And isn't that what you would want if somebody was blaming and attacking you is for them to forgive you? Once you start forgiving others, you can truly forgive yourself. And that's where real peace comes from. That's where the ability to live in the present comes from. And you stop living in the past. Because when

you're holding on to blame and resentment, you are living in the past. Because when you're holding on to blame and resentment, you are living in the past. And that's what I was doing when I was Googling that lady. I was living in that old job that I had been gone from for a while, right? That's not helpful. That's not gonna help you. That's not gonna help me, right?

And if our job is to do the best that we can in this world and show up as a brightest light of ourselves, doing what we're meant to be doing and making the world a better place. We got to live in the present. We have to live in the now. So I hope that in some way that could help you wherever you are if you're struggling in any relationship. And again that can be with your kids, that can be with your friends, that can be with a co-worker, that could be with your spouse or anyone else, your family. It doesn't

matter. It's all rooted in forgiveness first for others and then forgiveness for you and stopping pointing the finger out and instead pointing the finger in and looking at how you can operate differently so that you can deliver a different outcome. I hope that empowers you today. It truly has empowered me so much in life. Why the heck did it take me so long to learn all this stuff? It's so bizarre. I hope that helped. If there's any topic you want me to get into when I do my solo episodes, shoot me a note at the website HeatherMonahan.com. I've got tons of free resources on

there for you. As always, I've got my 30-day free accountability partner program. I've got confidence tips. I've got ways to turn I'm sorry into gratitude. I mean, I've got so many things on that website for you and it's all free and it's all for you. If you want to hear a certain topic, let me know. Drop it on the site. There's a contact me form there and I will be happy to cover it for you.

Until next week, keep creating your confidence. You know I will be. I'm gonna make it over, yeah. I decided to change that dynamic into my family. creating your confidence. You know how it will be. Hey team, if you're enjoying this podcast where we delve into high achieving people with transformative lives, then I have an exciting recommendation just for you. Introducing the Tyese Gibson podcast, a show that dives into creating long lasting change by starting at the subconscious level. Did you know 95% of our conscious decisions are actually determined by our subconscious?

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I'm Hala Taha, host of YAP Young and Profiting podcast, a top 10 entrepreneurship podcast on Apple. I'm also the CEO and founder of the YAP Media Podcast Network, the number one business and self-improvement podcast network. That's why they call me the podcast princess. On Young and Profiting podcast, I interview the brightest minds in the world, offering actionable advice to level up your life. I've interviewed marketing legends

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