Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan - #50: Lauren Handel Zander of Handel Group: How Falling In Love With Yourself Is The Key To Living Your Dreams

Episode Date: April 14, 2020

How do we begin to flip the switch from the tendency to thinking negatively and focus on what is standing in our way to thinking as vehemently about reaching our full potential? Lauren Handel Zander shares her process in how she developed a language for dreaming big: what she calls “an archetype of engaging yourself to find your higher self”.  About the Guest: Lauren Handel Zander is the Co-Founder and Chairwoman of Handel Group®, an executive life coaching company. Her coaching methodology, The Handel Method®, is taught in over 50 universities and institutes of learning around the world, including MIT, Stanford Graduate School of Business, NYU, and the New York City Public School System. Lauren is also the creator of Inner.U: Learn to Human BetterⓇ the online coaching course that teaches the entirety of The Handel Method, which has been used by dozens of celebrities, CEOs, and entrepreneurs since 2004, and she is the author of Maybe It’s You (Published by Hachette Book Group, April 2017), a no-nonsense, practical manual that helps readers figure out not just what they want out of life, but how to actually get there. She has spent over 20 years coaching thousands of private and corporate clients, including executives at Live Nation, Ticketmaster, Vogue, Warner Bros Records, BASF, and Sequoia. Lauren has been a featured expert in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, Women’s Health, Dr. Oz, and Marie Claire and she is a regular contributor to Businessweek and the Huffington Post. More From Lauren Handel Zander: website: https://www.inneru.coach Get Inner.U Life for just $325 use code Creatingconfidence75 Finding Lauren Handel Zander: Instagram: @laurenzander_coach Review this podcast on Apple Podcast using this LINK and when you DM me the screen shot, I buy you my $299 video course as a thank you!  My book Confidence Creator is available now! get it right HERE If you are looking for more tips you can download my free E-book at my website and thank you! https://heathermonahan.com *If you'd like to ask a question and be featured during the wrap up segment of Creating Confidence, contact Heather Monahan directly through her website and don’t forget to subscribe to the mailing list so you don’t skip a beat to all things Confidence Creating! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

I'm on this journey with me. Each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals. We'll overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow. I'm ready for my close-up. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're here with me again today in quarantine, which is so unbelievably crazy. I hope that you are hanging in there. One of the things that I figured out this week is I'm so lucky to have.

a beautiful view. I can see the ocean from my window and it's really beautiful and I actually heard some science that looking at a beautiful image, beautiful landscape and or beautiful view is very helpful to healing the body, keeping yourself calm. So if you do not have a beautiful view, I suggest looking at a picture of one and putting a picture somewhere that you can see it readily that can help you to stay calm and centered and focused on positive things because the world around us is spinning so crazy with so much negativity that it's easy to get caught up in it. And I actually, I had a phone call with a friend this morning who was saying, oh, I just, I don't know why I'm feeling so anxious.

I was so stressed out yesterday. It's so obvious that we all are having these highs and lows as we're in quarantine, not knowing what's happening, 16 plus million people losing their job, businesses closing, people dying, people sick, people wondering if they're going to get sick. And there's so much fear and unknown out there. It's triggering a lot of us when we lease us expected. And I actually, I have my own example for you of that this week. I, as you know, if you've been listening to the show, I got fired a little over two years ago.

and wrote and self-published my first book and then started my speaking career and then launched my podcast. And my speaking business really started taking off in the past six months. And I had some major wins literally five weeks ago right before coronavirus hit. And I just saw this trajectory about to explode. I was booked for a huge event in New York in September, which has since been canceled and had a lot of momentum going. into 2020 and first quarter of 2020. So it was really exciting. I had a lot to learn in regards to who I was supposed to be working with, getting my reviews and recommending, you know, doing all the legwork that you have to do in a new business to make a name for yourself, become reputable,

become credible, all this crap I had already done in corporate America for 20 plus years when I was in media. I was starting over as a rookie. Well, basically, what's happened with the speaking business, as with many businesses is it's been leveled. It's basically game over for this year. So my number one revenue driver has disappeared. And to say that that's heartbreaking and upsetting is an understatement, but I know it's one that a lot of us are all in together right now. Anyone in the events business is feeling the same pain that I am. Anyone in the speaking business is feeling the same pain I am. And then so many other industries, restaurants, bars all closed down. Businesses closing their door.

So again, I know I'm not alone. You are not alone if you're struggling right now, financially, mentally on how do we wrap our heads around this and pivot. And the other day, this week, actually, I just had a moment, a major little mental breakdown pity party for myself, which is fine. I think it's fine for all of us to feel that way once in a while. But just don't beat yourself up when you do. And you don't need to feel confused about it either because I certainly didn't.

I knew why I was upset. I know that this stinks and it's frustrating. However, what I wanted to share is this. I was having a little pity party for myself because two and a half years ago I got fired and I felt so similar to how I feel right now, right? Standing on the cusp of something that we don't have figured out, that I don't know how it's going to go. I don't have the answers.

I'm moving into unknown uncharted waters and I'm yet again a rookie trying to build something new that I don't have credibility and that I don't have experience in. And it stinks and it's scary and it's hard. And I know the past, you know, two years have been really hard. While they've been great and exciting and I'm grateful for them, they've been really hard, like seven days a week working hard and not always having things go the way I'd hoped or, you know, trying to build businesses that have failed, my clothing, a lot. You know, there's so many different things, partnerships I've worked on that have fallen apart. And, you know, just realizing this week that I'm back at square one again in many regards, I really built my business up in the speaking end to something

that was substantial, sustainable, positive. And I felt really confident in it four weeks ago, five weeks ago when coronavirus hit. And now to know, I've spoken to so many people, so many of my agents that I work with, and so many of my peers in the speaking business. And everyone has, is agreed, basically 2020 is done and essentially everything is canceled. So knowing that, listen, things could change again tomorrow, as we've all seen with coronavirus, things can change so quickly that I don't want to say it's a definite, but it certainly looks as though most events are getting rescheduled for 2021. So revenue for 2020 will be postponed until next year. Now that I know that, okay, I'm back at square one and I have to say, how can I pivot my business?

So one of the things I've been noticing, and I want you to notice too, are these little micro trends that we're starting to see. And for me, those micro trends could become macro trends. We don't know where things will go yet. And I'm being told a lot of different things. So some people are using the example of the roaring 20s. You know, after the Spanish flu, the roaring 20s happened. And people came back with a bang, celebrating bucket list items and vacations and partying. And, you know, the world was on fire.

others are anticipating the next great depression and people out of work and negativity and ultimately depression, anxiety, et cetera. So these are very two completely different potentials, right? Both have the potential to happen. We don't know what the future holds. But how do we survive and thrive within either one of these complex situations? So I've been thinking a lot about that. And one of the micro trends I'm noticing in my small world, which I don't want to stay too stuck in. I don't want you to be too stuck in your small world either. It's important we pick our heads up and see what's going on outside of our businesses. As I'm noticing, I am being asked virtually every day to play a role to be a speaker in a virtual conference in these virtual events. So at first I was thinking that's a complete waste

of time. I want nothing to do with it and I will just hold out for my live events. Well, I've since over the past couple weeks changed my mind. I'm actually doing a virtual event today on a platform called Loom, which I've never used before. And I'm immersing myself in this new virtual event world that I know nothing about, have never hosted one and am now only being a speaker at different Zoom events, LinkedIn, live events, Instagram, live, Facebook Live, but now going the next level to get into some of these bigger platforms, bigger virtual event platforms. Well, the reason why I was being asked by many people to do these small things, I was ignoring it. Then I did a LinkedIn Live the other day with someone who's in Italy, who's working with the venture capitalist who is working with $20 million

to really blow up the virtual platform business and reinvent how it's being done. I also have been contacted by a couple of people simultaneously on LinkedIn talking to me about how I as a speaker can create some unique value by doing these virtual events differently and making it more like a real event where you're walking around, you know, videographer, etc. So I start imagining what could this look like and thinking about different and better ways to do it as we're all trying to imagine different and better ways to do things online. So I realize, okay, I've got to really immerse myself in this if I want to understand it, which means I need to learn a new business. I don't know anyone in the virtual event space. I don't have any experience with virtual events and or the platforms. And suddenly I need to find out, should I be the one hosting these events so that I can charge and direct it and be in charge of it and then invite people to my events? Or is my time better spent just being paid to show up? and what do I charge to show up? And should I be an affiliate partner? An affiliate partnerships

on virtual events and or selling products is a very viable revenue stream. If you're not, you know, jumping into that portion of the business yet, I suggest you look at it. I mean, you can sell different products and be paid commissions. This way you can, for me as a speaker, promote events to sell tickets for events and I can get a commission on that and or you can be paid, you know, to show up, attend and be showcased as a speaker at these. different things. So a lot to learn to understand. And I was sitting on my couch the other day, actually getting ready for the event that I'm doing today on Lume, and I'm downloading yet again a new app, a new event platform app. And I'm doing a tutorial on how to utilize Lume.

And I start realizing, oh, my gosh, I'm a rookie again. I'm a beginner again. And I just started crying and thinking I worked so hard the past two years to develop my credibility, perfect my speeches and really start killing it in that business and I was taking off like a rocket ship and it crashed. So here I am at the beginning again, just like you. We're reinventing ourselves. We've got to take a step back and learn first, immerse ourselves in the education and find out what is that right strategy for me? Should I be the one hosting? Which platform should I use? Which opportunity is the most viable for a revenue stream? How can I differentiate myself, offer more value and be better than the next guy or girl, and how do I pivot my speeches for what used to work when I was on a stage

in real life? How can I make it more vibrant, more compelling, more engaging now that I'm not in real life and I'm doing it virtually? There's got to be something different and better I can do for this venue through the computer. So I'm trying to figure that out now. I've been reading, doing tutorials, and it's frustrating. It just reminded me so much of being fired and how frustrated I was trying to learn the speaking business and find out who hires speakers and then find out, you know, what is the right length of the keynote and what are the key talking point. You know, all this work that I did over the past couple years to know now there's got to be a different and better way to do it to connect through on the virtual platform. So I'm right there with you. If you're pivoting,

if you're starting over, if you're frustrated, if you're feeling anxious, if you're feeling down, I am so there with you. You are not alone. And you don't need to wonder why some days you get anxious or can't fall asleep or start feeling scared, frustrated, and angry because I'm feeling that same way in moments too. And today I'm feeling better because I'm actually doing my first loom. So that's progress. Don't know how good it will be.

But I'm doing it for someone else this time. So I'm learning. I'm a first time virtual event keynote speaker today. which, okay, we're going to add that one to the resume, along with worked from home during a pandemic, which I never thought I'd see. So don't get too frustrated with yourself, have some compassion and empathy, and realize we are all struggling with this stuff. Starting over can be tough, but it also means that when you are in uncertain times, anything is possible, anything challenging, and anything great. So who knows? Maybe I'm going to find out I'm way better on

my virtual events because of some amazing pivot and idea I come up with that can change the way that events happen and connect with people. And that's the optimism that I'm looking for, that I'm moving forward with and I'm open to. And I'm just putting it out to the universe that I'm going to come up with something unique and different that nobody's ever seen that is going to be mind-blowing. And then I actually, someone reached out to me last week and said, hey, this is someone who had hired me to speak at a live event in Philadelphia. And now this person was reaching out to me to say, hey, obviously our event is canceled. However, we would like to do an online event. What do you charge for virtual events, Heather? Now, listen, we all know that a virtual

event where you don't have to get on a plane, right? You don't have to have the upheaval of your personal life. You don't have to spend a night away in a hotel. It's going to be less money, but I don't know how much less because I'm new to this business, right? I'm a rookie and I reached out to a few people and no one could advise me because they hadn't done virtual events yet either. So I don't have that pay structure, that rate card yet. And so I essentially just said to my client, listen, I don't know what to tell you to pay me. Why don't you pay me what you think is fair? I will say this. It is less than what I was charging you to be face to face with you because I don't have to travel. I don't have to spend a night away from my son. And I want you to take that

into consideration. But whatever you feel is fair, I'm happy to do it for. Now, this again is my learning curve. Fast forward to yesterday I was on the phone with a friend in the speaking business. And he actually told me to set a rate, which was a reduced rate from my in-person speaker fee, and instead guarantee a money-back guarantee on results that they will love my speaking virtually. And I like that idea because I feel 100% confident in my ability to speak. So I know I'll do a great job for anyone. I just need to determine what that dollar amount is and then offer a money-back guarantee. Why wouldn't people say yes? So think about that with your business as you pivot and move things online and are changing and trying things for the first time.

If you give a money back guarantee, it's pretty hard to say no. So hoping that you are feeling good, pivoting your business and taking those first steps forward into that unknown with me because we are all in this together. And I am so excited for you to meet my guest today and gain some insights into how to position yourself the best way you can for. success. I was really touched by this conversation and I hope you will too. So hold tight. We're going to be right back. Hi and welcome back. I'm so excited for you to meet my guest today. Lauren Zander is the co-founder and chairwoman of Handel Group, an executive life coaching company. Her coaching methodology, the Handel Method, is taught in over 50 universities and institutes of learning around the world, including MIT, Stanford Graduate School of Business, NYU, and the New York City Public School

System, Holy cow. Lauren is also the creator of Inner You, Learn to Human Better, that's an interesting concept, the online coaching course that teaches the entirety of the Handel method, which has been used by dozens of celebrities, CEOs, and entrepreneurs since 2004. And she's the author of Maybe It's You, a no-nonsense practical manual that helps readers figure out not just what they want out of life, but how to actually get there. She spent over 20 years coaching thousands of private and corporate clients, including executives at Live Nation, Ticketmaster, Vogue, Warner Brothers. Oh my gosh, Lauren's been featured as an expert in the New York Times,

BBC, Forbes, Women's Health, Dr. Oz, the list goes on and on. Lauren, thank you so much for being here today. Oh my God, I love it. I'm very happy to be here. I really have. Well, thank you. All right, So there's so much to get into right now. But where I really wanted to start, and as I mentioned to you, a lot of my people are entrepreneurs and or in corporate America and looking for like what is that next move. How do they get ahead? Can you give us your story? You know, you've achieved massive success. But as you said, it's 20 years in the making.

How did this all come to be? So once upon time I was an environmental studies major. Like I knew global warming was coming in the 90s. Right. Like I knew. And I studied and got a BS in environmental studies and went to work at the United Nations Global Environment Facility. Like so ambitious and like in love with making change has been very me since I'm a wee little girl. Right. And got that job. Hated the job. I mean, I can't describe how uncomfortable and unhappy I was when I like achieved success and found out I was an idiot. So imagine. that happened at around 22. And then I needed to figure out, well, what do I really care about? And it was ridiculous. It like light bulb goes off.

And I was like, oh, I used to be saved the trees, kill the people. Right? The people are not saving my trees. Makes sense, right? And then the insight at 22 was like, oh, it's not the trees that need to change. it's the people that don't see the trees. It's like humanity. Like, oh my God, I'm working in the wrong sphere, like entirely.

And if you actually watch my whole life, it wasn't like I didn't goddamn love people or have my best friend. Like, it wasn't like I wasn't loving humans. I was just mad at the world. And then when I made that big shift, my life took off from there. Right? So everything changed when I figured out that my true calling was to change something that mattered to me to my core. So you're like, how did you figure that out?

Because that's one of the questions people ask me a lot. I got fired, which truly was the catalyst for me to figure out to do something differently. What was that one pivotal moment for you? When I really figured out, it's what do I want to do? In that time in my life, I was chasing like, I'll do the hard work. Right? Like, who even cares if I like the subject, really, or if I'm even good at it, or if it even turns me on that I'm reading the magazines at night, like, studying the ship, right? Like, I didn't quite get that the thing to follow most is what you love the most and what you want to do,

like, every minute of the day. And so everyone inside themselves right now, if I said, I'm sorry, you're going to have to work 10 hour days. It's true. But make me a list of the only shit you want to do, like your favorite. People don't look for that. They look for, well, if I do this, I'll get to there, I'll get to there, I'll get to there, I'll get to there, I'll get to there, I'll get to there. So in order to, and then they separate out, it's about money, I need to make money, I want to have kids, I want to, like, so the logic that's deploying a human to figure out first, second, third, fourth, doesn't come from the heart first. It comes from the head. And the head is like the computer that gets you everything. It's the bank. It's the resume.

It's the like, okay. But the heart is like, what do you love? What do you love to do? Right? So if you go, Lauren, do you love to talk to people, find out their story, find out how to make them make changes. Like, it's like your love? Yeah. Like, Lauren, can someone call you at three in the morning and you still want to hear the damn story? I'm like, eh, what happens? People have a head, they have a heart. and they have a hoo-ha, okay? Head is resume, bank, money, what matters. And I love a head, right? I didn't say don't have a head.

Heart is meaningful, love it. It's a pleasure. It never gets old, right? It means something to you. Hoo-ha is your, when it's not sex, it's you're cool, right? This is so cool, right? It's more like where your ego ends up and it's clapping for you. It's not that important.

But head gets 100%. heart gets 100%, hoo-ha gets 100%. And most people don't know their head fully, heartfully, hoo-ha-fully. And they fight. And then the world really thinks it's 100% for your head, your heart, and your hoo-ha. Not 300%. Does that make sense? It does.

Starting the year with a wardrobe refresh, Quince has you covered with lux essentials that feel effortless and look polished. They're perfect for layering, mixing, and building a wardrobe that lasts. Their versatile styles make it easy to reach for them day after day. Quince has all the staples covered. From soft Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like designer pieces without the markup, to 100% silk tops and skirts for easy dressing up to perfectly cut denim for everyday wear. Their wardrobe essentials are crafted to last season after season.

Their Italian wool coats are real standouts. They're beautifully tailored, soft to the touch and built to carry you through years of wear, not just one season. The quality shows in every detail, the stitching, the fit, the fabrics. Every piece is thoughtfully designed to be your new wardrobe essential. And like everything from Quince, each piece is made from premium materials and ethical trusted factories that are priced far below what other luxury brands charge. I can't tell you how much I am loving my new cashmere sweater. It's a staple for sure and I can't wait to give one to my best friend for her birthday this year. It is timeless, gorgeous. and the softest thing I've ever touched. Which quince pieces are you interested in that? I mean, from the bags to the denim, to the sweaters, to the jackets, they're all incredible luxury high-end products without the high-end price. Refresh your wardrobe with quince.

Don't wait. Go to quince.com slash confidence for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash confidence. to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash confidence. When you want more, start your business with Northwest Registered Agent and get access to thousands of free guides, tools, and legal forms to help you launch and protect your business. All in one place. Build your complete business identity with Northwest today.

Northwest Registered Agents has been helping small business owners and entrepreneurs launch and grow businesses for nearly 30 years. They are the largest registered agent in LLC service in the U.S. with over 1,500 corporate guides, real people who know your local laws and can help you in your business every step of the way. Build your business identity fast with Northwest Registered agent and get access to thousands of free resources, forms, and step-by-step guides without even creating an account. Sign up for a free account to begin managing your business hub with lawyer drafted operating agreements, bylaws, resolutions, membership, certificates, bills a sale and more all at no cost. Northwest is your one-stop business resource. Learn how to build a

professional website, what annual filings your business needs to stay in good standing, and simple explanations of complicated business laws. With Northwest privacy is automatic. They never sell your data, and all services are handled in-house because privacy by default is their pledge to all customers. Don't wait. Protect your privacy. Build your brand and get your complete business identity in just 10 clicks and 10 minutes. Visit northwest registered agent.com slash confidence-free and start building something amazing.

Get more with Northwest Registered Agent at www. northwestredisteredagent.com slash confidence-free. Yeah, and you've talked a lot about people just not even being awake to even thinking about this. They never stopped to sit down and fall in love with themselves and really go, I have the answers versus let me see how to fix this. Let me see what to do next. We're brilliant

strategists. See heads win most awards, right? So when a person goes into their job right now, if you ask yourself, head, is it happy, heart is it happy, hoo-ha is it happy? You'll find out it's two out of three. It's a little lame. It really is out of 100% from all three. Like, no one's really happy. And so the real answer. is to like, can we take a time now? And can you just stop learning that? And can you tell me your head's greatest dream, your heart's greatest dream, and what would make your hoo-ha, the happy ass?

And separate it out. Don't worry about hypocrisy. Don't worry that you don't think you can get there. Don't worry that your head says, shut up, heart, right? Like, don't go into the fight. Really just start to see what matters most. This also works in people's love lives. 100%. I actually invented it for love life and figured out it was the damn same thing for all areas of

life. What you reminded me of for my life is back when I was in corporate America, I was at, I was either the VP of Sales or Chief Revenue Officer at the time. You know, on the external, I had succeeded, making a lot of money. You know, I had smashed the glass ceiling. I was really in my mind killing it. And I'll never forget, I sat down with a mentor of mine, an older gentleman. and who's a vendor of mine. I was going to see him for work. We were in New York and he said, hey, I need you to do something for me. I said, sure, what is it? And he said, I need you to pick your head up. And I want you to look around beyond where you're looking, look outside of this industry, look beyond this year and today and your goals. And I want you to tell me where do you

really want to go with your life because you're not living up to your potential. And I'll never forget, no one has ever spoken to me like that before. And I didn't even understand. So I know some people are listening right now. They still maybe don't even get this yet. because you're so in the grind. You're freaking out about the virus. You're freaking out about paying your bills. So you're not even thinking about it. And I was completely not awake.

And when he challenged me to do that, I defended myself. I got angry with him. I said, you don't understand. I'm a single mother. And I have bills to me. And I don't know what you're talking about, why you would say this to me. I was angry at him.

However, it took me years. And I didn't have your plan and your method then, which is unfortunate because it took me a long time from that conversation, it wasn't like he handed me a playbook, but what he did do was he opened my mind to what if there is more. And that took me down a road where ultimately I did pick my head up. And then I decided, okay, if there's something that I want to pursue, but I don't know what it is, what's the next step? And I started talking to people in my life slowly that I trusted. And I'll never forget one day, I had a friend that said to me,

you need to do something that makes you incredibly uncomfortable. That's going to set you down a new path. And I said, okay, well, what makes me uncomfortable? He said, go take a stand-up comedy class. I said, I'm not going to do that. That's ridiculous. But he said, look at your visceral reaction. You're angry about it.

I said, yeah, because it's stupid. He said, then that's your answer. Go take the class. So I took the stupid stand-up comedy class that I didn't want to take. And it was so funny because that led me down this path of noticing that I had a really, it was really easy for me to stand on stage and speak. From there, I started getting involved in charity. From there, I started speaking at charity events. From there I started emceeing charity events. Then I started seeing, wow, the speaking thing comes really easy to me.

Helping other people is really important to me. Wow, this is something I want to spend more time outside of work because my work doesn't cater to any of this stuff. And then suddenly, you know, I was leading these two different lives, filling purpose and passionate night and on the weekends with the cheo-ex work I was involved in, getting the paycheck during the day and thinking never the two could meet until ultimately I got fired. So I know there's so many people out there right now saying, what is that blueprint? You know, how can we accelerate from the moment of, hang on, okay, I get it.

There's more to this. I need to pursue my heart and my passion and get these things all to come together, but they don't know how to make that happen. How do they do that? Where I developed my method was actually on graduate students, for five years at MIT, okay? Because I didn't want to be some weirdo unicorn that was just special, and I could rock one person like I had it versus there was a it, a method,

something, right? So I went crazy on learning to transfer it into something that I didn't need to be there for. And so all I care about is process, right? I'm a process junkie. And so imagine that. So I have been developing a step-by-step process, which is I break life out into 12 different areas. Like my basics are this. I make people dream in all 12 because most people hide in two areas or overachieve in two areas

and don't even remember like what? 12 areas of life, right? Fuck that. Life is expansive and we're here to dream even though there's no language for dreaming. right there's no structure for doing your own damn homework to connect to your own heart and soul right that's not what they're teaching they're teaching christopher columbus don't blame them right but for goddam's sake let me develop a language that calls me out and calls you out and let me practice it on all the little human guinea page that i've been at Stanford like and get to the smartest humans who will fight me if it is an epic right so that's what i did and so really what i did do and my process is like an archetype of engaging yourself to find your higher self. So first I make you dream, then I make you rate your dream against your current life. If you go through my program, you'll find out most people suck at dreaming. I mean like don't even, if I say, please tell me why you

can't have your dream, prolific. Why can't you have the love of your life? The sex you always wanted, the money you always wanted. And you're like, I'll tell you why. Right. So people are prolific about what's in their way. And they never figure out they are not prolific about what they want, right? Like, we don't even dream, not because we can't, but because, and then see science, 80% of our thoughts, over 80% of our thoughts are negative. Wow. It gets worse. Wait, wait till this one comes through, okay, ready? And repeating from the day before. Now, everyone goes, what do you mean, repeating from the day before? I'm like, you know how you have road rage? I'm joking, everyone, but road rage, like, you're yelling at idiots every day. And you're like, as if you're yelling at new

idiots every day versus you yell at people on the road every day. Does that make you feel good? Is that fun for you? Right. Like, and maybe it's you. There comes my one liner, right? Like, so it's like literally going through my process. And the process has one next after the out. I teach you a concept. And then I tell you what the process is. I give you damn examples and I make you do it. right and you're like who have you done this to and I'm like every damn CEO I sit with and trust me you know who they are right actors and then 13 year olds can do this there's just no language for it does that make sense it does but these are the things like you said that aren't being taught in school well you know now to the schools that you're actually working with but we wish that they were being

taught to my 12 year old I want him to have access this to begin thinking a different way it shouldn't have taken me to be 40 years old, to even start having these thoughts or conversation. And I'm around my friends who are incredibly successful on paper and always asking me, hey, how did you, you know, how did you start doing something that you really love? Wasn't it so scary? How do you break through that fear? And for me, fear has been one of my biggest holdbacks. Is that what you see with a lot of the people that you work with, why they aren't dreaming? So fear. So first of all, if you go, what do you really make people figure out, I really make people figure out their inner dialogue. Like I, I really get you to hear

yourself. And then by the time you really hear yourself and understand one of the main things I find after you, like, I make people do their whole homework. Imagine that you write your dream for love and you haven't gotten laid in six months because you just got divorced, like, and you're hating, like, whatever it is. Or your business is tanking or you want to leave your business, right? what happens is you have this dream, but you've never really, really, really written it out, like, cleanly. And then I ask you to rate your life against that dream and you give yourself a four. Because that's fair, right?

And then I go, tell me, now write what you think is between you and a 9-10 in that area. And tell me what you think is stopping you, what you think about the world, what you think about everything that explains why you can't have that dream. And what happens is the individual really writes their fears deeply explains because it's the inner dialogue. And another piece of language I have is we're all a bunch of double agents fighting between what we wish was true and what we think we can never have, except if you go, I'm going to have this like you have, right? So if you go, I want to run a marathon, you have a real problem. Because guess who has to get out of bed early and go for a run.

So then there's this double issue, which is we're a little lazy and believe in fear. So we don't have to get up at 6 a.m. Right? And you're like, really? Humans don't want to do the dream? Yeah. No, we don't. Like if we name the dream, you have to do it.

For real. Right. So then you have to go online dating. You have to go talk to your boss about that rate. Like the minute you start to dream, literally you're kicking fear's ass from that moment forward. Like, there's nothing. nothing else but fear, negative thinking. You go, what's that 80% negative thoughts?

It's fear-based. Not maybe. So when you bring up the idea of running a marathon, the first thing that comes to mind for me, because you're really discussing the concept of doing the work, right? Now if we have the dream, we're going to do the work. So how do you encourage or hold your clients accountable in those challenging?

It is a challenge to get out of bed at 6 a.m. to go for the run. So the first thing I teach, Really. So once I get you to get who you are, what your inner dialogue is doing, the next thing I teach is a concept that in 2006 I was able to copyright and own, ready for what I own. I own personal integrity. That is impressive. Because nobody wanted it or even thought of it. Right. So personal integrity is not about being able to keep promises to other people. It's about can you keep a promise to yourself. And what I think, and then I make a joke, I teach people, where the real promise land is, your ability to keep promises to yourself. And that's the muscle I teach.

That's really powerful. I mean, keeping a promise to yourself is at the core of confidence. Would you agree with that? It is where self-confidence comes from. It's the only place. If you don't have self-confidence, you would go, where am I breaking promises that I don't believe in myself because I break those promises? Self-confidence is a verb, not a noun. It's not something. you have, right? It's not. It's something you cause daily. And the only way to have it is because you keep promises to yourself, because you respect yourself. I am and then fill in the blank. I am the best mother. I am building a company. But if you don't back that up with promises that you keep yourself, but you're pleasing everybody else. We are epic at being martyrs. We are not epic at being true to ourselves.

And the only way to have confidence where it really touches your heart, your head, and your hoo-ha is by being true to yourself. But we lie. I make people do the biggest lie lists ever because, oh, I didn't send that email. I'm sure you know, right? Like everyone's lying to keep up appearances to keep everybody else happy, right? from orgasms to where you were, to don't tell them what you're really thinking, to like the way we lie is literally one of the greatest crimes against our self-respect in business, in life, in deals,

everywhere. I mean, everywhere. So obviously you can start to get this method, isn't for the faint of heart, because most people don't want to face the way they lie. Again, science says the reason we need so much Prozac, the reason we're so upset. Like, they literally go, humans do minimum 11 lies a day. Unconscious that they're even doing it, or you're saying they recognize that they're doing it? Oh, they think it's part of social Greece.

It's actually being good to my wife. It's like they literally, the dark side makes you think it's noble to lie. Bah, ha, ha. Where's the lying section in the bookstore, exactly? Where's the whole world of, like, it's literally the funniest thing to me, because the biggest issue, why a divorce is happening? Why do deals fall apart? Because people don't tell the truth about where they are, what they can do, how much they can afford, what that. Like, everyone's a bunch of liars. And then there's no lying section for us to even face we are because we're all thinking it's fucking noble to lie. Like, I made my wife feel better. I didn't tell her how upset I was with her. Oh, my husband came home laying and blah. Like, everyone thinks keeping up appearances is like, being. being a good person. So how do you get them to break that pattern when what you're saying is it's beyond just, you know, one individual. It's a matter of culture. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a 10? I don't do the lying section in the method until like module seven, right? Don't worry. It's the

most powerful breakthroughs you'll ever have is when you actually understand how to never lie again. It's actually profound because it's being true to yourself. And you're walking around like you have to lie versus ask for what you want. It's like it's so bizarre, but it's a step-by-step process. Really, really, really, really. And coming clean on yourself is literally the act of self-love. If you're hiding everything that you ever did that you're ashamed of or embarrassed about, and then you're covering it up.

And then that's your inner dialogue. Like your true self inside that you're keeping a secret is literally what you're protecting. It's why you need two drinks. It could be over-exercise. It's just you're hiding. That's fear. Telling the truth.

Coming clean. Finding your real friends. Finding your real job. It comes from inside out. I've been doing this for 20 years. It works on 12-year-olds. And just so you know, 12-year-olds get it, like 16 times faster. Right, because they don't have all the years in that we do in creating these bad habits.

It's because 12-year-olds are starting to lie. to everyone. And they don't know how to tell the truth instead of lie. And so that's really right at the precipice of like, oh, how am I going to talk to my dad about that? How am I going to deal with my grades? How am I going to deal with that I'm a little bulimic? How am I going to deal with that I feel a little gay?

How am I going to, like, they don't, like everyone starts lying early to keep every appearance up for people who are pressuring. them to be good and get in the bell curve just right. That's why. And if I, teacher, come in and get you to learn how to face your truth, find out how you lie, like, and start to figure out what to do about all of it. I'm at the heart of a soul. These little puppies, you can kill this puppies you ever saw. They don't want to turn into lying, Steppford, fake it till you make it, but it never makes it. So it's so much easier. if I can run the conversation, right, and teach people how actually special they are and just never been educated proper, like, and not educated, like, learn this, but experience and learn this.

It's like a GPS. Once you know how to plug it in, you don't need me every day. You need to understand the GPS. So once you're identifying some of these big goals and big dreams you have, and I've heard you talk about this and I really like how you explain it, in order to hold hold yourself accountable, you have some strategies that you implement, whether it be the running a marathon or whatever your goal may be. Can you walk us through how you do that differently? Okay. I believe, so that joke I made about the promise land, like promises and promises you make that you're not likely to keep, everything that you want is in the other, is in the promise land, okay? And the promise land is where you literally be true to yourself in ways that you wouldn't

naturally. Like, it could be as dumb as a bedtime. You're staying up watching Netflix, still two in the morning, and then you wonder why you feel like shit in the morning. Right? Like, it could be, like, I don't know what yours is, but they're cute and they're probably closer to a 15-year-old's issues, like eating cookies at night, having three drinks. Like, we all have vices. And so here's how I will. Please hear, I have vices. Everyone, can you? We all do. Yay! Okay, so I convert using your vices. for good. For example, I wanted to see what would happen for six weeks straight if I meditated twice a day. Like, what would happen? Ready for how I did it, people? I don't get my coffee in the morning until I've

meditated. I don't get any Netflix at night until I've meditated. Tell my children, I have three of them, guess who would call, and if they catch, like, I don't lie to my kids, I would personally never not, like, I could literally screw up that promise in two seconds because I'm a jerk. I don't meditate twice a day unless I make myself. I'm so proud of myself. So you put in a promise that's out of reach that you wish you would do and then you put in a funny consequence. Will I die if I don't get my coffee? No. Now would my brat me, my like give me my coffee, die if I don't get my coffee? Debatable. Trust me, she's going to, this is what I did. I would run downstairs, put the pot on, run back upstairs and sit and meditate. fun and right and it's easy fun sit on my bed meditate so then I have integrity when I start watching

Netflix it makes the Netflix better folks so if you want to be writing if you want to be sending out resumes if you want to be having conversations you want to be networking you want to be dating take a vice and screw it hard by making you keep a promise so if I don't do stand up I don't get any sugar want to bet you'll get your butt to stand up everything can be done if your vice is on the line because we want our vices. You guys, we live for our vices, right? We live for sleep and extra lay. Like whatever your vices are. You love them. Now use them for something good. If your anxiety, depression, or ADHD are more than a rough patch, you don't need just another meditation app. Tachiatry makes it easy to see a psychiatrist online

using your insurance in days. Tachiatry is 100% online psychiatry practice that provides comprehensive evaluations, diagnoses, and ongoing medication management for conditions like ADHD, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, OCD, PTSD, insomnia, and more. Unlike therapy-only apps, tachiatry is psychiatry. That means you're seeing a medical provider who can diagnose mental health conditions and prescribe medication when it's appropriate. All their 600-plus clinicians are in network with major insurers so you can use your existing insurance instead of paying monthly subscriptions or out of network fees. You'll meet with an experienced licensed psychiatrist who takes the time to understand what's going on, build a personalized treatment plan,

and can prescribe medication when it's right for you. Your care stays consistent and evidence-based. Head to tachiatry.com slash confidence and complete the short assessment to get matched with an in-network psychiatrist in just a few minutes. That's tachiatry.com slash confidence to get matched in minutes. It's so smart yet I've never thought about it, but I love that idea. So what did happen to you after six weeks of meditating twice a day? What type of impact did this have on you? And the fact that you kept that promise to yourself.

I want to hear how you felt differently. So meditation is, for me, a zone. And the zone is like a place like it's where you go after death. it's where you were before you were alive. It's anything you can dream of people. I don't need you to go, do you know that, Lauren? I'm like, that's what I'm making up, right? Like, that's my dream of where, like, meditation.

And I do believe in channeling. Like, I channel. If I wanted to sit and talk to Steve Jobs, I can literally conjure him to come sit with me in meditation. I'm not kidding. I didn't learn that for myself. I got that as a note from, from Napoleon Hill.

He talked about the sixth dimension. So I make up stuff because life is so filled with your power to imagine. So meditation is the training of getting out of like physical reality and going into a spiritual reality. Wow. So what do I get out of meditation? It's the bomb, you know. And then I do a shit ton of art. Like I'm very artistic and I literally coach and do art.

So I love the creative zone, not to try to make money in it, but like to really channel how sacred it is to be human and alive. And rather than thinking of ourselves as like Stepford and following the, you know, good human, I literally go, who, what can we be? What are we here for? right, a whole different way to be amazing. And meditation unlocks that creativity for you. Like, you know, so there's like two meditation teachers I quote and love. One is named Viet and she's extra shamani and awesome and makes like got to go check out

Viet or if you're more buttoned up in corporate, which I kind of invoke, right? It's Emily Fletcher and they are the most stunning. leading epic teachers of this, right, that I sent my people to. And then I am, I teach manifesting. I teach real dreaming. So all my work is very practical, but dreamy. And then there's so much language in it that I teach you that you, that will give you the GPS in your own version, that that's, that's it. So there you go. And I walk my talk. Which is so important. I love that you hold yourself accountable and share how you put your vices to work for you. All right, can you share with us in parts of your method, the chicken, the brat, and the weather

report? Because I thought this was so interesting. So after you write your dream in any area, whether it's your body, your money, right? You then rate your current life against that dream and then explain why you gave yourself that rating. Okay. So now imagine you wrote all your inner dialogue out about why money doesn't work for you. You're bad at it. You're this. da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ha. So you puke out all your inner dialogue, right? In that paragraph, you will find very few facts. What you will find are three voices that just pooped on the page.

Okay? I like to call it a purge. And the first one is the voice of the chicken. Like you literally, after you write that paragraph, you can literally go lift out the voice of the chicken. I can't do that because my husband. I wasn't able to do that because I didn't go to college. Everything you use against yourself that says, I can't, or it's hard, or it's fear-based,

like I don't have the power, or you're a martyr, right? So that you find the sentences that are chicken sentences. You literally can go, blah, blah, listen to that thing. Squawk. Next voice. And you can bet this one's more. issue everyone. The voice of the brat. I'll do it tomorrow. Leave me alone. I like tobacco. I'd rather starve than exercise. Do I have to call my mother? Right. Like, she's annoying. Right. So I was a

bratty bitch who like could get away with it. So most of my sentences are braddy. Okay. So the voice of the brat is your moodiness folks where you go, I'm exhausted. I just couldn't talk about. All. moodiness we put under the brat tantruming to try and get its way, and mostly it's still just dark and fear base. Like, leave me alone. I don't want to feel that. I don't want to say that. I don't want to deal with it, but it's braddy, not chicken. And then the real kicker is what I call weather reports. This is where we have blanket generalizations. You know there's a glass ceiling for women, right? We have these generalizations. We go, oh, I wish it wasn't true. But you know how men are you know how business is you know how it is you know sex life in a marriage after 50

really sweeping generalizations and then watch how you fuck a sweeping generalization okay and this is why I call it a weather report so it really is true it's 72 degrees and sunny in LA today what a shocker I'm joking I have no idea what it is but if I said can you make it 40 degrees no it's weather Lauren I don't have power over the weather I'm like Yes, that is so true. You can't change that. But then we go, I'm not a morning person. I'm not good with money.

Okay? Just like it's 72 degrees in sunny, I'm not good with money. I'm not a morning person. I don't like the exercise. I'm not good at discipline. And I go, here's the deal. $20,000 a day. You follow your schedule.

You're up at 6. You're in bed by 11 and you design your day every day. Up to 20,000. And you're disciplined and you have integrity. And you fucking. love it. You even have to love it. 20 grand every day and a day if you actually get 99% of what you created and I can't think you were lame or didn't push yourself like a crazy person. Everyone would be like this. This is the most fun I ever heard. Like, oh my God.

So can you hear how dark that is? Like if I can bait you with money to be epic in a day like bullshit, all your weather reports are very likely. bullshit. But you talk about yourself like you're the weather. Like you're a weather reporter and there's a weather like, oh, you've always had bad weather. It's cold in Canada. I've never been a morning person. I'm an introvert. Really? I'll give you a hundred grand for every time you go do stand up for 10 minutes and you actually get four laughs. Done. Like every introvert would be signing up for that was bullshit. You know, it's so interesting that we're talking about this because yesterday I had a

student-led conversation with my son at his school where he was taking us through his progress thus far in the semester. And when we left, I said, you know, there's so much volatility between when you put effort in versus when you don't. Do you see that? He said, yeah, I really do. I said, okay, so you know you have the potential within you. You're just choosing not to do the work occasionally.

It's not on a consistent, you know, it's inconsistency. And he said, I know. He said, but you know what really got my attention is when they said, if I remain inconsistent, I lose basketball. Whoa. And I mean, it's exactly what you're saying right now, using, you know, the thing that we love to get us to withhold that, to get us to give the effort that we need to in the moment and keep it top of mind.

And it applies to children, it applies to adults. It's just we've lost track of that as adults. We think, because we think we have integrity, like a noun, because we think we are good people, no matter how many promises we break, no matter how shitty we actually are, no matter how many cookies or drinks we have, then we pity party and we still keep doing it. And then we think, what's wrong with us? Not, I'm an asshole who doesn't keep promises that I really should keep to be profound, right? How do I fix that?

Very simple. No drink until you did your thing. right? Like I didn't tell you don't drink. Just don't have one until you get the shit down. Like reverse the fortune. Stop thinking you're good and you don't know why you're dark and start getting maybe we're dark so we don't ever get to be really good. What are some of biggest breakthroughs that you've had with a client that you're most proud of? I helped make a billionaire from broke. Like broke in debt, shitty marriage. We take some marriage. It's been maybe I think we were trying to figure it out. It's been. like seven years from broke to worth a billion on paper. I'm not kidding. We would like have

our first billionaire. That's pretty amazing. And then just so everybody knows, when people get their all 12 areas of your life to be above an eight, according to your higher self, then you make your eight a one and you dream again. You're like, Lauren, do you get we're here to fulfill on so much magic not on suffering. We need to come to suffer. Now, we have to get we're assholes who choose suffering because it's kind of, you know, see seven deadly sins. Like, what do you?

Like, but we won't tell the truth about our dark side and face it. And the more we do, the more light we bring in, right? You have to bring light to dark. And we pretend we're light and we don't know what's going on with the dark. See lying, see hiding shit. See not telling the truth. Seeing scared, seeing moody. Like, it's wherever you're plagued.

that's the dark side and your higher self hasn't had a minute to kick any ass with real presence. So when everyone that's listening right now says, okay, I'm ready to do that. I'm ready to get to this next level to break through. How do they find you? Where do they go? And what do you want them to do? Is it to sign up for your online course? So first of all, I'm like, I think I'm a Robin Hood. Okay. Which means I think I went to Stanford, MIT. I worked for. Sequoia Capital with their best CEOs. Like I went and went to the top so that I could build something at the highest level so I could give it away from nothing.

Like what it costs to have me for an hour is what it costs for people to get all my content less like a third of my rate for everything I teach. And I created a Zoom world where everyone's on interview. They can meet each other. You can network. You can date. You can, like, I literally am building a world where people like-minded who want to kick their own asses can come together and literally we'll do a, you'll give them a coupon.

And there's inner you career that is all my content that I teach in corporations. I'm not kidding. There is inner you life. If your life's a mess, you'll hit your career later, but you'll get to it in inner you life. It's my whole content on life. That's also the book. Maybe it's you if you really want the cheap version. Then there's inner you love.

I've been dealing with helping people find soulmates or whatever they're into without being liars and happy and free. Love. And then there's inner you student because I goddamn need to get to the kids. And once you're in, you get master classes that are free for the rest of your life taught by, hi, me, all my coaches. please trust me, I'm giving it away because I already got it from the rip.

And which website do they go to? Whatever link you give, it's inner you.com. You'll have the link. I'm going to put the link in the show note so that everyone can check it out because I know after this, Lauren, people are ready to get real and to end the weather report.

I know I am and I can't wait to dig into this. Thank you so much. As you can tell, I'm a passionate, crazy person. And I wish for everyone to be as, in love with their career, their lovers, their body. Like, every area should be as on fire as I am. That's all I'm teaching. Like your version of what you're into, not what I'm into, what you're into.

And there's a language missing. Please let me give it to you. Well, I can't wait to check it out. And I'm going to have all the info for you in the show notes. Thank you again, Lauren. And we're going to be right back. I hope you enjoyed meeting. I hope you enjoyed meeting Lauren as much as I enjoyed having her on and sharing her wisdom,

Inner You Life, amazing online coaching course. It gives you the tools to get yourself unstuck, wildly, happy, and thriving where it matters most to you. Your relationship, self, career, love, body, money, time, and more. So I want you to go to the show notes if you want to check it out. If you want more information on it, we're offering great deal today. Get Inner You Life for just $325. The regular price is $6.5. 150. You receive lifetime access with your subscription, which includes 12 audio coaching sessions

from Lauren. One free private coaching session with an HG coach, access to inner university, and the six-week coaching boot camp with an HG coach. 14 homework assignments, the interactive promise tracker. I mean, so much here. So you get started with your creating Competence 75 coupon at, and I'm not going to read this, but the link is going to be in the show notes. Go check it out. and you can talk to a human there too if you have questions. But I definitely think if you're willing to take some of this time right now to invest in you and to take this time to better yourself, you might have some pretty amazing realizations. Okay, so two questions that I've been getting lately, I've been getting a lot of,

how are you staying positive? How do you keep yourself sane during this time? Well, as you probably know, I'm quarantined with my 12-year-old. And while we do get along really well, he's such a great kid. makes me laugh all the time, which is super important and fun. We have been doing our best at night to have a routine where we sit together and watch a funny movie, watch something positive and uplifting. He's been steering me away from more dramatic stuff, which I'm super grateful for, because that can be a slippery slope. But the other thing that we're doing together that has been

really helpful is one, have a routine. I have a plan of action every morning. I wake up with intention. When my feet hit the ground, I am leading by example. I am going to be taking action. I've got goals. I'm crossing my to-do list off. I jump out of bed in the morning. I make coffee. I get the dishes done. I do the laundry. I'm keeping the house cleaned up. I'm asking for his help and contribution to continuing to help me clean during the week. We each have goals every single day. And we are each moving our body. I'm obsessed with the Peloton, as I've mentioned to you before. And if you You don't have one. We found so many great classes online on YouTube.

We took a boxing class, which was amazing. There's so many trainers, either on Facebook, Instagram, or YouTube that you can do for free, which has been really great. And you can try different people, which for me, I was in a rut before I was just going to fly wheel and just taking the same classes. And now I'm trying a lot of different things. So that's been super positive where I feel like I'm learning and exposed to different people, which has been really cool.

And then yesterday, our crazy idea is we decided. to run the stairs. We don't leave my condo building. We haven't left now in two weeks because now it's mandatory to wear masks in Miami and you're not supposed to go to the grocery store with children. And if you only go to the grocery, if you have to, so we've just decided to stay inside. It seems much safer this way. And I've been sleeping better knowing that we're not going to be exposed to anything. But we did decide to run the stairs. And while I used to run the stairs occasionally, my son had never done it. So we did that together. yesterday. We're going to do it again today. I'm super excited for it. It's just something new and

random that we're incorporating. But think about what fun things could you incorporate that keep you moving, keep you healthy, trying different things in this weird time. You know, it's kind of on us to get creative. And the more creative we can challenge ourselves, the more it's going to challenge us mentally to think of how can we apply that creativity to our business, our relationships, our friendships, who are we checking in with to see if they're okay, helping others? write this positive momentum that we can totally create for ourselves. Who are we listening to? What shows, podcasts, are you immersing yourself in?

Make sure they're good for you and helpful, not hurtful, and keep those people around you. They're uplifting you and not pulling you down. Because as you know, we need to fire those villains and there is no time like the present. If you are in a relationship and in quarantine, make sure that you are asking for what you need and want. Don't let things fester right now,

especially when we don't have a way to escape and go for a drive or get away from someone. It's really important to share our opinions and share what we need. Routine is critical right now. I mean, going to bed at the same time every day, waking up at the same time, and having that plan and to-do list

has been super helpful for me. And again, I'm going easy on myself because some days I'm having great days. where positive things are happening and I'm excited. For example, one of my guests that I just landed that you're probably going to hear next week, I'm super excited for. And some great business opportunities that have arisen out of nowhere that I didn't expect, but came because I set up calls with people to see how they were doing and check in with them.

So just make sure that you're taking action, reaching out to others, helping others, and helping yourself and going easy on yourself because we all deserve that. Right now, stay in this moment. don't start jetting too far ahead. It's a lot safer to live in the present where we can deal with what we've got on our plate today. So breathing through it with you, I'm here with you. I'm cheering you on and I can't wait to see you next week.

As always, if you could please share the show, if you haven't left me a review yet, leave me a review and shoot me a screenshot of the review and I buy you my $299 confidence video course as a big thank you means the world to me. and I can't wait to see you next week. Keep creating your confidence till then.