Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan - #510 One Thing That Separates Top Performers + How to Say No Without Offending People, A Solo Episode Mashup with Heather!

Episode Date: April 8, 2025

How do you know when to lean into uncertainty and take risks for the opportunities on the other side? In this special solo episode mashup, I’m bringing back parts of two top solo episodes about how to visualize your full potential, navigate (and find opportunities in) uncertain times, and how to say no to “good” when you know it isn’t in alignment with the “great” you’re working towards. In This Episode You Will Learn About: How you can bounce back with positive thoughts after a setback. Ways to EMBRACE uncertainty to overcome challenges. How to embrace UNCERTAINTY to open the door for OPPORTUNITIES. What happens if you stop WORRYING and focus on what you can CONTROL. How prioritizing YOURSELF helps you step into your BEST SELF. Why you should choose GRATITUDE over CHAOS to protect your peace. Resources + Links Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at shopify.com/monahan Download the CFO’s Guide to AI and Machine Learning at NetSuite.com/MONAHAN. Want to do more and spend less like Uber, 8x8, and Databricks Mosaic? Take a free test drive of OCI at oracle.com/MONAHAN. Get 10% off your first Mitopure order at timeline.com/CONFIDENCE. Get 15% off your first order when you use code CONFIDENCE15 at checkout at jennikayne.com. Call my digital clone at 201-897-2553!  Visit heathermonahan.com Sign up for my mailing list: heathermonahan.com/mailing-list/  Overcome Your Villains is Available NOW! Order here: https://overcomeyourvillains.com  If you haven't yet, get my first book Confidence Creator Follow Heather on Instagram & LinkedIn

The skill sets are the same, the talents are very similar, the coaching is very similar, the situations are very similar. There's no big smoking gun you can point at. What made these top three the top three and why consistently were they winning? Well, guess what they found. This is so cool. So interesting. Come on this journey with me. Each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity, and set you up for a better tomorrow. That's in your seat of governance. I'm ready for my closeup. Hi, and welcome back.

I'm so glad you're back here with me this week. Okay, so a couple of things that came up that I thought might add value to you or might be helpful in some way in wherever you are today, right? We all have good days, we all have challenging days. We're all faced with different situations. But I'll tell you this, one thing I know for sure,

if you're on the hamster wheel and just reliving Groundhog Day over and over, you are in trouble. Please pump the brakes, do something different. That is a death trap. That's called circling the proverbial bottom of the sink. Like you're going nowhere but down, right? No, we are not meant for that.

We are meant for so much more. So I'm gonna challenge you, whatever it may be, sign up for a new class, join a new program, commit to an accountability partner, do something to get you, like one small thing can jumpstart everything and start you down a completely different path of change growth personal growth and potential within you and that's what we're all here for is to live that potential within

us and far too many cemeteries are full of potential that was never realized don't let that be you don't let that be me no we got to push each other to go for more to make this world a better place and anything can change in an instant. It's up to you. Okay, I'm hopefully going to give you some good solutions on how you can make some change and you can do that today. So two different things that came up that I wanted to share with you. One, I was watching a video, really successful guy actually local in South Florida. He was talking about some research that he had accessed from a professional tennis coach and the professional tennis coach

was looking at the top absolute top top top three of the best world champions in tennis and then looking at the difference between them and the top 25 right so if you're the top 25 in the world in tennis, I wouldn't think there's probably all that much difference, but he had found some very specific things, something very specific actually, that made these individuals perform better, differently and above the top 25. Right? So, you know, most people would think like, oh, it's obviously one person's more skilled than the other, you know, obviously one person had a better coach, better parents, started younger, they practice more,

they've had more in-person tournaments, I'm sure there's a million reasons. But what is interesting to me is none of those were the determining factor. In fact, he said, it didn't matter what age they started at, didn't matter necessarily who they started at, didn't matter necessarily, you know, who had the most prestigious coach or went to this school or had the wealthiest parents. All of the people, all the tennis players that he was looking at in the top 25,

pretty much were similar around skill set and talent and the amount of time they worked and had comparable in regards to all had really good coaches, right? Like there wasn't any big differentiators That they could point to so they continued to research like why is it these top three keep winning? What is different? So again, look, it's a pretty fair level playing field, right? It's the skill sets the same the talents are very similar. The coaching is very similar. The situations are very similar. There's no big smoking gun you can point at. What made these top three the top three and why consistently were they winning?

Well, guess what they found. This is so cool, so interesting. Meet a different guest each week. I don't know how to change. Competence created. Competence created. I asked you to try to find your passion. When you think about businesses growing their sales beyond forecasts like Feastables by Mr. Beast or even a legacy business like Mattel, sure, you think about a product with demand,

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Make sure to use our URL so they know we sent you. Joinbilt.com slash confidence to sign up for Bilt today. What they found is in some of the top 25 when they would have a bad serve or the ball would go out or they couldn't volley and return something back they would start getting very negative about themselves like I suck why did I miss that I can't believe I missed that shoot like getting really down on themselves now maybe they didn't completely unravel but they were definitely vocally and you could see very negative and very down. What the top three had shown or expressed or

was witnessed when they were being evaluated was completely different. The differentiator was within a couple of seconds of making the bad shot, missing the shot, hitting the ball out, doing something that obviously they were not happy or excited about, the difference was they grasped onto a positive thought. So I found this so interesting. It's all about a mental game, right? It's not so much a physical game. Of course I'm not gonna go be a professional tennis champion because I've never put the work in. I don't have the skill set.

I don't have the coach, right? Like, I don't have those baseline things those other people had, but the one game changer for the top three was how they spoke to themselves and how they spoke out loud and how they changed their thoughts. Even though they did something wrong,

even though they did something they weren't hyped about, they came right back to a positive thought, like this next one's gonna be better. And it just reminded me, you know, Kobe Bryant talked all the time about how he saw every shot was gonna go in. He just saw it, he knew it ahead of time, it didn't matter. Whether you're LeBron James in basketball,

that confidence that he has, so he knows he's gonna win. If Steph Curry, same thing, meditating and visualizing before every game, him winning. Same thing with Tom Brady, you know, in the NFL as a quarterback before every single game, seeing himself completing all the passes, winning the games, winning the Super Bowl.

It goes back to the thoughts that we hold in our mind, what we believe to be possible, if we're choosing to beat ourselves up possible, if we're choosing to beat ourselves up or if we're choosing to cheer ourselves on. And you know, I've told this story so many times. My son is huge into this ever since he was a little kid. He's had me right on the bottom of his shoes. I can, I will, I can do all things. And the reason he has me do that is so if he's halfway through a game and getting low and feeling a little discouraged, he can remind himself that it's the positive thoughts and the belief that will turn everything around for him in the game.

So I encourage you today, don't let yourself play that cop out game that somebody had a better coach or somebody had a better skill set or somebody's prettier or smarter or moves faster. Instead, start equipping yourself with the fact. The sooner you can move to a positive thought, the sooner you can visualize the positive outcome. You don't need to know how you're gonna get there, but the outcome that it will be there,

the sooner you can own and feel that belief and start getting excited about it, bringing that energy forward that this is gonna happen, the sooner it actually will. If you wanna improve your performance and no matter what in your race at work in building your business, visualize it, feel what that's going to feel like, shift to the positive. It's okay to notice a negative. Everyone's going to notice a negative once in a while and none of us are nailing it every

day. Oh my gosh, I have plenty days that I'm frustrated with myself, but it's about feeling that frustration and letting it go. My old shrink used to always say, "'How's that working out for you?' Beating yourself up. Not real well, doesn't work out real well. That's why there are people at the bottom of the list and the ones at the top are forgiving themselves,

encouraging themselves and seeing the outcome and visualizing the outcome that they know to be true for them. So I know this to be true for you. Start speaking to yourself with kindness. Start giving yourself grace. Start encouraging yourself. If success was easy, everyone would have it.

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and it became one of those game time decisions. And it was interesting. We were watching the news, my son and I, and it legitimately, you know, we had tropical storm winds in our house and flooding and rain, you know, we had tropical storm winds in our house and flooding and rain. You know, it was not great week. And so the weather was deteriorating quickly and we're watching the storm on the news.

And I'm supposed to be on a flight first thing in the morning heading to L.A. My son's school had been canceled by this point. I think they went to school two days last week. So he said to me, what are you going to do, Bob? I said, I don't know. I really want to go, but I just have a feeling school two days last week. So he said to me, what are you gonna do, Bob? I said, I don't know, I really wanna go, but I just have a feeling it's not looking great. And I would keep checking the app, which is the only thing you could do.

And it's still, flight is on, flight is on. And this is where I just go back to, worrying is just a waste. Like to sit and worry, what if it does get canceled? You have no control over it. Like wait to worry, hope for the best, put the best out there, foresee things going amazing, whatever they're meant to be, like however it's meant to be to play out, it's going to be amazing,

it's going to be great, and it'll be for the best for all. That's kind of the attitude I try to employ in those situations because worrying is just going to rob you of your peace and any joy you could have in that moment, right? So here I am, I'm trying to think, I'm home with my son, watching a movie with him on the couch, he has no school, if I'm not doing that, I'm just sitting around worrying if I'm taking off,

okay, let's focus on this moment and be grateful for having this time with my child. So that was the option we took. We watched the hurricane right before bed, still not sure if it's a go or no go, and I said, I'm just gonna go to bed tonight as if I'm going. So I said to my son, I said, there's no way you're going to be up in time. Cause he had no reason to get up. I said, so just anticipate,

you're not going to see me in the morning. I'm going to be on a flight. I will message you and whenever you wake up, just let me know how you're doing. So I wake up in the morning, I look right away at my phone and it looks to me like maybe the hurricane moved a little more north. And so I said, in the morning, I look right away at my phone, and it looks to me like maybe the hurricane moved a little more north. And so I said, you know what, I'm just gonna go to the airport. And so I got dressed, ran to the airport,

and when I tell you I got to the airport and there wasn't a soul in there, it was the wildest thing ever. There was a handful of people there. No lines at the Miami airport, what? Said no one ever. Usually it's pure chaos. No lines, no people got right to my gate, said my flight was on time, boarded my flight. I think there was a total of five people on the airplane. It was completely

empty. It was the most surreal situation. And a few people said to me, well, aren't you scared to fly? I was not because I knew, listen, this is what these people do for a living. If it was that bad and they couldn't fly around it, they're going to cancel the flight, right? And I just know that I know for boarding the plane, we're going to be fine. And so boarded the flight, it was literally the easiest trip to the airport, easiest flight of my entire career. And we got in 45 minutes early because there was no air traffic issues. You know, there was no problems at all

because there's no planes leaving Miami. And I guess everybody else had, you know, decided that flights weren't gonna be going. So anyhow, point is this, I get in so early, I can't get into my hotel room. So there was like this whole backlog of other domino effect problems that occurred because I never thought I was even actually gonna to be there. And then I was,

and then I couldn't get into the hotel and then I had to get ready for the event and blah, blah, blah. First world problem after first world problem. However, like you're in it, let's make it work. And we did. And it ended up being a great trip. And I'm so grateful I got to be there. In any moment that you get the chance to show up for people that show up for you You got to do it, right? Like whenever you can you really want to because it means so much, you know, just a special thing It doesn't happen every time right? There's plenty of times that we can't make it to somebody's event

I was so grateful to be able to be there for her to show up for somebody who shows up for me all the time Okay so During this time before I was heading out, a number of people reaching out to me saying, I think you should cancel on both of your events for your friend and for your partner because it's too dangerous, it doesn't look good, right?

Like worrying, worrying, worrying. And again, listen, I get it, right? But I was trying not to do that. I wanna expect the best and put that out there and then just handle it as it comes. I wanted to walk you through a couple of different ways you can handle something if you do want to decline, because there are going to be times you can't be...

Listen, the reality is if the hurricane hit, I was not leaving my kid here. It wasn't even if I could get out, right? If he was not going to be safe, I was not leaving, and I'm not going to apologize for that. That was like the one thing I was clear on. Yes, if I can get out, I'll go, but if I can get out and it's still questionable

if Miami's gonna be okay, I'm not going. So I'd already made that decision. I had that clarity. I was not gonna be, you know, no one was gonna talk me into anything other than that. So I started thinking, how would people handle this situation if they felt like a lot of pressure

that they should be somewhere and they did not wanna go any longer because of a situation that had arisen that was unexpected. So I wanted to give you three different ways that you can handle declining an event when it just isn't ideal for you anymore, right? I did not do that.

I went, it all worked out. My son was fine. He had a couple of days off. He was psyched, actually. He was so happy. Got to sleep in every day. Got to work out, had a blast. I was able to make my event, right?

Like everything worked out so much better than expected. Again, reminder, had a blast. I was able to make my vet right. Like everything worked out so much better than expected. Again, reminder, do not worry. Wait to worry because everything worked out. And actually got into LA 45 minutes earlier than I've ever gotten in. It was wild how easy things actually came to be. However, if you had been here in my home that week leading up to it, you would have never thought that would have been the outcome. I certainly did not anticipate it to be that easy. Okay, so here are three different ways you can decline going to an event when it's just not feasible, possible, or just not what you want, right?

Again, that was not my situation, but I'm going to give you some ways to handle it. All right, somebody asks you to go to something like this and you have a horrible situation with weather and you're in your mind that this, and you have a horrible situation with weather, and in your mind, that's not something you want to deal with. A great way to handle something like that is instead of apologizing, which puts you at fault. You're not at fault when you just

are deciding you don't want to attend something for your own reasons. That's your privilege. That's your choice. That's up to you. It's your decision. So instead of apologizing, which puts you beneath somebody else or to blame, instead you say to them, I really appreciate you understanding.

And it was funny, I have another best friend happens to be two hours north of me right now. I just got back from LA and she had asked if I wanted to come up and see her and a bunch of her friends for dinner tonight. And of course I wanted to see them. I love these people, they're incredible. But the idea after just getting back off this flight and I haven't even unpacked yet and my son has school tomorrow and I have work tomorrow and I haven't gone to the grocery store

and I haven't done my, it just didn't seem feasible for me. Yes, of course I wanted to go, but it didn't seem feasible. Instead of saying, I'm so sorry that I can't do this, I just got back from LA, I said to her, I said, listen, I would so appreciate it if you could understand that I am exhausted, completely not prepared, and while I would love to see you, I just, I can't make it work right now.

And she said, no problem. I completely understand. And then I was able to thank her and say, thank you. Thank you so much for understanding. I so love you. I so appreciate and love you. Thank you. But don't blame yourself.

You don't need to apologize. You can thank that other person. You can show gratitude. And you're taking the presumptive close. That's the other thing that's super smart. You're setting them up to say, I so appreciate your understanding with this. I so appreciate your help with this.

Thank you for understanding. It's hard to unravel that on the other side and say, no, I refuse to be understanding. Right? So you're taking the assumption of close, which is really, really smart. Okay. Another thing you could say is, you know what? Unfortunately, this isn't going to work for me. Again, you're not blaming yourself. You're not blaming them, but you're just saying, unfortunately, this isn't going to work. So just really simple to the point. The third one is, while this is not going to work. So just really simple to the point. The third one is while this is not going to work, how about you and I find a compromise on something that could work for both of us?

Meaning to my friend who's two hours away right now who I would love to see, I'm not going to be able to do this, but I will come see you in November for Thanksgiving. Right? Like coming up with an alternative solution that is different than the one that's on the table, but is mutually beneficial for both of you. So you don't need to blame yourself. You don't need to apologize. You don't need to get all upset and worked up. You can either say, I appreciate your understanding. You can say, unfortunately, this won't work for me. Or you can say, let's find a compromise that works for both of us and remove the emotion from it. You know, saying no to one thing is saying yes

to something else. And for me saying no to going to that dinner tonight meant I could say yes to making my son dinner. I could say yes to getting the groceries for the week. I could say yes to doing laundry, getting my house organized so that I feel really good about my son situation tomorrow, my week tomorrow. Like it's going to set me up for a big win versus if I went to a dinner late tonight, two hours away, I think we all know what's going to happen. I'm going to get home really late. I'm going to be exhausted. Yeah, I'm going to have had a blast, which I love having fun with my friends.

However, this wasn't the day for it. So you don't need to give anyone excuses. You don't need to apologize to anybody. You don't need to over explain. You can keep it short. I appreciate your understanding. Unfortunately, this won't work for me. Let's find a compromise that works for both of us. Love it. Love it. Love it. Okay. So choose you. And you know what? Good friends are going to appreciate that. They're going to understand it and they're going to support you in it. And everyone's going to keep it moving.